Topic: "NFL Trade" (3)
Commissioner Rice approached the microphone, cleared her throat, and stated thusly, "The Atlanta Falcons have announced a trade with the Justice Department of the United States. Michael Vick will be the new Attorney General and Alberto Gonzales (also known as 'Da Judge') will quarterback the Falcons in their Pre-Season Game this evening against the Cincinnati Bengals." Congressmen Phillip Gingrey (R-GA) and Thomas Price (R-GA) stood behind the Commissioner holding the respective sleeves of a Falcons Jersey with the Number "7" and the name "Gonzales" prominently displayed for all to see (Gingrey, it should be noted, was standing on Price's foot as he attempted to wrest possession of the jersey from the dimunitive Price).
At the same time, Interim Acting White House Special Assistant for Legislative Affairs John McCain was announcing that Vick was selected for this critical assignment because he is the only person assured to remain in position for the next 12 to 18 months. In addition, Vick also announced today that he had "found Jesus," thereby qualifying him for executive responsibilities (It was later noted that "Jesus" coincidentally was the moniker given to a pit bull who had escaped from the "BadNewz" Kennels several months ago).
The Owner of the Falcons, Arthur Blank, chose to purchase the Atlanta Falcons when he and his partner, Bernie Marcus, sold their joint venture, Home Depot (Marcus spent his money building the world's largest mausoleum for dead and dying rare fish, known as 'The Georgia Aquarium'). Blank had provided Vick with the largest contract ever awarded to a professional football player. When questioned by reporters, Blank stated only that Gonzales would be offered a contract significantly less than that which Vick had signed. When asked his opinion, Gonzales stated that he could not recall any discussion of that nature. Blank looked wistfully at the Aquarium building, perhaps wishing that he and Bernie had reversed roles.
As might be expected, on the first play from scrimmage, Gonzales forgot what play had been called, and fumbled.
Vick announced that all US Attorneys in Virginia were being fired