Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Blue on Blue, Now That We Are Through
Mood:

flirty
Topic: "You Snake in the Grass"
One of the inhabitants of the Atlanta Zoo is having a problem which, Frodo must admit, is not exactly something he ever imagined to be a problem outside the world of Hobbithood. According to Brad Lock, the assistant curator of herpetology at Zoo Atlanta, Blu, an Eastern Indigo Snake, which is a threatened species, has a low sperm count.

"Dr. Lock, are you telling me that Blu can't get it up?," queried Frodo.
"Well Frodo, Blu was born here in Zoo Atlanta in 1988, and we have learned that he has about 650,000 sperm per milliliter with a motility of about 60 percent. A healthy count for both Hobbits and snakes is for a reading of about 1 and 3 million sperm per milliliter with 90 percent motility," replied Dr. Lock.
"Does that mean that not only is Blu a little short on ammunition, but that it doesn't do much even if it lands in the right place?," asked our inquisitve amateur herpetologist.
"Well, that's pretty much the case," said Dr. Lock. "So once we understood the problem, Dr. Mark Mitchell an LSU assistant professor of zoological medicine joined Zoo Atlanta veterinarian Mark Rivera and I in performing artificial insemination on a female Eastern Indigo currently on loan to Zoo Atlanta, using Blu's sperm."
"Is this a common procedure?," asked Frodo.
"No Frodo," said Dr. Lock, "as far as we know, it has never been tried before, that is using an endoscope."
"An endoscope?"
"Yes, we inserted a lubricated lighted tubelike device into her cloacal opening, which contains her reproductive tract after sedating her, of course." answered Dr. Lock.
"Oh, of course, but isn't there a more banal term for 'cloacal opening' in reptiles?," mused Frodo.
Without acknowledging, Dr. Lock went on to explain that he was able to check the progress of the endoscope on a television monitor and confirm the arrival of sperm in the snake's ovaducts.
"So is that it, we just witnessed an Eastern Indigo getting 'knocked up'?, said Frodo.
"Well Frodo, we won't really know for about two months, and then it will be even longer before she lays about a half dozen eggs or so," smiled Dr. Lock.
"Hmm," mouthed Frodo, "was any of this pleasurable to the participants?"
Dr. Lock stared at Frodo, and with a total dead-pan replied, "I'm not sure, but she wanted a cigarette when it was all over."

Frodo has missed his calling. He should've been a wise ass vet.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:12 PM EST

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Friday, December 16, 2005

Come Along And Be My Party Doll
Mood:

mischievious
Topic: "One For the Good Guys"
Today Frodo received a tiny fishing rod and a ticket to the new Georgia Aquarium as a gift. The presentation of the gift was ensconced with the implication that Frodo's piscine achievements would be limited to quarry who are thusly confined. "Ha, Ha," said Frodo. Frodo also noted that the free pass to the Aquarium had expired. "Ha, Ha," said Frodo's nemesis, Joe the Vagabond and funny gift-giver.

The occasion of the gift-giving was the annual soiree of the group known as the Gazebo. Discussed earlier, the Gazebo are the aging males who gather together to do "guy things." Most recently the guys had rung bells for the Salvation Army. Today they ate and exchanged gag gifts.

It should be noted that about half of the group happen to be politically conservative, and that the luncheon was held in an area that cast over 80% of its' votes to George W. Bush. Frodo will pass through the area in his motorcar from time-to-time, but is generally wise enough not to stop.

One of the attractions of the Gazebo is that the members are so different. There is no "preaching to the choir," and in these times it means that the conservatives actually receive input not programmed by Karl Rove and disseminated by Faux News.

Frodo was prepared for his special gift this day, and he had something appropriate prepared for Joe the Vagabond. Frodo offered up a gasoline can which he had dutifully covered in masking tape and properly labeled for public consumption. The front side read "Bush-O-Line, Four Times Better than Gasoline ever Cost." The rear side read "Bush-O-Line Prevents Global Cooling." On one side it read, "And It Tastes Even Better Than JIM BEAM, I Know--G.W.Bush." On the other side it read "50% of the Cost Goes to Oil Company Executive Retirement Plans." On the bottom Frodo inscribed "A Product of Ahmed Chalabi Enterprises, LLC."

"Garumph" stated Joe the Vagabond. "Titter, titter" snickered the other conservatives. "That was great Frodo," and out loud "Ha,Ha" emanated from the enlightened members of the Gazebo.

On the way home Frodo heard that George W. Bush had authorized the National Security Agency to spy on American citizens, and had not sought court orders in order to do so. Next year Frodo will give Joe the Vagabond an old tape recorder, a pair of binoculars, and a copy of the Constitution. It's just a shame that he can't give George W. Bush the boot.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:16 PM EST

Updated: Friday, December 16, 2005 9:20 PM EST

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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

These Things I Do 'Cause I'm So In Love With You
Mood:

special
Topic: "The Important Stuff"
Sam is very worried about the gallant Howard. Sam knows the signs that things are breaking down, because Sam has seen it happen many times before. Sam bodes dread whenever the telephone rings with news from afar. Sam has been a hospice volunteer for many years.

Frodo may take on great burdens in his efforts to destroy the ring, but in Sam's presence he is merely a high private.

Frodo recognizes that there are times when Sam wants to talk and there are times when Sam wishes to sit in silence. Frodo does his best to recognize each. What amazes Frodo are the roles played by Mick, the Wonder Dog, and Princess Fiona ("the most beautiful girl in the whole world", from "Shrek," in case you hadn't noticed). They recognize the difference immediately, and they react accordingly. When Sam pulls a blanket up on the couch and reads while the TV, in silence, flashes sale items from Home Shopping Network and the tea cup sits on the cluttered table, that must be their sign to cuddle with Sam. They are loving, affectionate, and their eyes seem to mirror the concerns in the soul of Sam.

When Sam stirs and starts to think of other things Mick and Fiona immediately swing into action. They debate the ownership of a stuffed animal, or they imitate the political howlings of Bill Frist and Dennis Hastert. Sam is guaranteed to laugh at the outrageousness of the play, and tails wag in delighted unison.

Frodo is usually the center of attention because he drops crumbs, or he is more likely to step outside to seek adventure. At these times however, Mick and Fiona have a greater calling, and they do not stray too far from Sam's presence. Should Frodo mindlessly turn on a news program and begin to rail at the folly of the "clown of the day," he is the victim of silent stares in the doorway. It is as if he is being asked to explain what exactly he has on his mind for such thoughtless behavior. Being silently chastized by dogs is a lesson that Frodo takes to heart.

Everybody in the Shire has a job. Some do theirs very, very well.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:50 PM EST

Updated: Monday, December 19, 2005 8:53 PM EST

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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Shouting and Shooting I Can't Let Them Catch Me
Mood:

surprised
Topic: "Never Doubt Bilbo"
Bilbo lives now in the Valley of the Sun, a long, long way from the Shire. Bilbo does not travel well these days, so personal contact is infrequent. Telephone calls are supplemented by the magic of the Internet, but much is lost in the translation of fact into fiction without the benefit of seeing what is to be believed.

Bilbo has been spreading mothballs underneath the magical motorcar. The magical motorcar is a 1989 Toyota Camry, with 38,000 gross miles. Frodo has speculated that if the motorcar's warranty did not have a timeline of five years, then this 16-year-old automobile would still be under warranty. Bilbo takes immaculate care of the motorcar, and changes the oil every 1,000 miles (which calculates out to about every six months).

Frodo queried Bilbo about the mothballs underneath the motorcar. Bilbo told Frodo that it discouraged rabbits.

"Okay. Rabbits you say?," said Frodo.
"That's correct," said Bilbo, "they get up underneath motorcars and chew the rubber off gaskets and wires."
"Why would they do that?," queried Frodo.
"They eat the rubber," said Bilbo.
"Have you ever seen this happen, or do you know anyone to whom this has happened?," Frodo asked pensively.
"It happens out here all the time, so they say," retorted Bilbo.
"I read about it happening in the paper," added Bilbo, defensively. This additional comment was offered as if it were indisputable evidence of the "Rabbit Plot to Render Motorcars Useless."

Frodo decided that he had accumulated sufficent testimony, and declined to further pursue prosecution. He helped Bilbo spread out a few more mothballs around the motorcar, and he decided not to tell Sam about Bilbo's hallucinations.

Several days ago Bilbo called Frodo and related the following tale. It seems Bilbo had taken the motorcar to the nearby, and fabulously wealthy, garage mechanic who accepted money for the lack of service required. Two days later, when next the motorcar was required, Bilbo had great difficulty in getting the motorcar started. When finally the motorcar did start, it vibrated and jerked as if it could not settle upon a proper gear. Bilbo called the fabulously wealthy garage mechanic seeking assistance. He suggested that Bilbo try and drive it to the shop immediately (Frodo is sure he was tabulating the balance due on the college tuition of his eighth child as Bilbo spoke).

When Bilbo finally arrived at the garage in the sputtering and wheezing motorcar, Bilbo was quite upset. The fabulously wealthy mechanic assured Bilbo that he would discover the problem and solve it. With Bilbo present the mechanic opened the hood and promptly screamed as if his eyes had been douched with battery fluid.

From the engine block sprang a rabbit.

Once the mechanic's heart started again, and the rabbit disappeared into the area behind the garage, both he and Bilbo peered into the engine area. Sure enough, nearly every wire, gasket, and pipe had been stripped of any protective rubber.

The fabulously wealthy mechanic received $348 for the repairs that followed to Bilbo's motorcar. The receipt is noted "Rabbit Damage."

Frodo now must accept the assertion that Bilbo's next-door neighbor does really peruse Bilbo's mail. Frodo has no grounds on which to question Bilbo's claims. What truly frightens Frodo, however, is that he now has no reason to doubt that there really are "rich people from New Jersey" who want to buy the motorcar because it was the last good car manufactured anywhere in the world.

Frodo thinks he could get the fabulously wealthy garage mechanic to submit a counter-offer in Bilbo's behalf.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:57 PM EST

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Sunday, December 11, 2005

Those Were The Days My Friend, We Thought They'd Never End
Mood:

hug me
Topic: "Dead Honkey"
Frodo had watched every single one, and that is why he would not watch this one. Every time, Frodo would get so spitting angry at him that he would say things impolitic and venomous. Time after time he would start a speech by saying "Mah fellow Amurricans, I cum before yew with a heavy hart. . .," and Frodo just couldn't stand to hear that ever again. It would be followed by the numbers. 247, 299, 206, 311. . .the number of American troops who had died that week. That is why Frodo drank beer, rather than watch the television, on the night that Lyndon Johnson announced he would not seek re-election.

Eugene McCarthy had openly challenged the President of the United States for the nomination of his own party, and he was winning the minds of America's heart. Frodo's candidate was Robert Kennedy who, not unlike everyone else, was on the sidelines and sanguine about a challenge to a sitting President of his own party. Eugene McCarthy had the intellectual courage to challenge and to fight for what was right. Lyndon Johnson withdrew rather than continue the struggle against McCarthy and his supporters. It was a challenge that Frodo knew McCarthy eventually would lose, but Frodo, for all the years that followed, always stopped to listen when Eugene McCarthy spoke. He would not say what someone wanted, he would say what he felt.

Eugene McCarthy said he could not bear to watch the second inauguration of George W. Bush because he considered him a moron.

Richard Pryor sat across from Chevy Chase and they portrayed an employment interviewer and a job applicant. The questions were bureaucratic, and the responses appropriate. That is, until the question came to race, and then the staccato epithets of "Spade," "White Trash," "Jungle Bunny," and "Honkey" were peppered back-and-forth by these premier comedic actors. Frodo was hysterical with laughter, and he started a television affair with the outrageous nuance of hilarity and social discourse. Perhaps the best way to get along together was to laugh at each other openly? Frodo promised himself that he would be like Richard Pryor and to always say to anyone what he would say to everyone else.

White people in Atlanta do not have the courage to tell their black neighbors what they call MARTA (Metropolitan Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority) when there are no black people around. Frodo would tell anyone that they say "Moving Africans Rapidly Through Atlanta." Frodo wonders what would happen if Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney asked Governor Sonny Perdue what MARTA really meant?

Eugene McCarthy and Richard Pryor died on the same day. Frodo cannot think of anyone else who symbolized the iconclastic era of the 1960's as did these last two survivors of the decade with purpose. With their passing the "sexy sixties" become history, not memory.

Frodo needs a hug.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:01 PM EST

Updated: Sunday, December 11, 2005 10:06 PM EST

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Friday, December 9, 2005

Lead Me On, Tease Me All Night Long
Mood:

down
Topic: "Queen of the Damned"
Anne Rice, the incredibly macabre author of "Interview With a Vampire," could not have imagined a more appropriate character as United States Secretary of State. Her namesake, Condaleeza Rice (no relation as far as Frodo knows), travels the world and uses the bully pulpits of diplomacy as did the character Lestat, an actor on stage. Frodo feels a chill everytime she smiles and extends her hand to a willing foreign dignitary. Frodo looks at the neck of Jacques Chirac and Tony Blair to see if there are band-aids in the jugular areas.

Secretary Rice has been trying to convince the world that the United States would never do anything evil. Lestat, of course, did his best to convince his potential victims that they were merely being entertained by coming to see him on stage. Then, on their way home, he could drop out of the shadows and have a late brunch.

The Japanese have decided to keep their 500 troops in Iraq a bit longer. Frodo notices that their Prime Minister seems a bit pale. Perhaps he has a touch of Avian Flu?

Gerhard Schroeder has not been seen in public for quite some time. Evidently a woman named Merkel is now running a "minority coalition" government in Germany. The Germans will continue to aid in the instruction of the new, improved Iraqi militias.

In France there have been a simmering series of night time disturbances to protest certain government policies. Mysteriously, nobody seems to get arrested for anything, since they disappear during the day.

Ariel Sharon has apparently reversed his life-long positions on the Gaza, and has surrendered the territory to the Palestinians. Frodo notes that Sharon no longer appears in public, and that he seems to be gaining weight. Perhaps he, too, has taken a page or two from the teachings of Lestat.

Frodo could offer additional instances for consideration dear reader, however he has a sudden urge to tie a strand of garlic about his neck and to sharpen a wooden stake or two.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:23 PM EST

Updated: Friday, December 9, 2005 8:34 PM EST

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Thursday, December 8, 2005

The Biggest Fool to Ever Hit The Big Time And All I Gotta Do is Act Naturally
Mood:

crushed out
Topic: "A Man's Army"
Two small stories converge for Frodo this coming Saturday.

From the time when he was the smallest of Hobbits Frodo has always found the Salvation Army Kettle and dropped pennies into it at Christmastime. Long after the downtown department stores with their magnificent displays followed the Great Auk into oblivion, and countless years after sitting on Santa's lap, the lonely bellringer stands in Frodo's memory. Sometimes in silence, sometimes with a boisterous "Merry Christmas," the symbol of Christmas giving is as important to Frodo today, as it was when his father had to hold him up in order to drop his coins into the kettle.

Frodo joined with some other citizens of Middle Earth a few years ago who shared but two things in common. They were all male and they found themselves contained within a world without the spirit and the dialogue of the "locker room." Getting older, they were busy in their versions of Mount Doom and with their families and respective institutions of choice. They had little opportunity to do "guy things," or to gather in simple camaraderie with no strings attached. They raft rivers, tour museums, visit a monastery, all in a brief respite from the insular world of the 21st century.

This Saturday Frodo and a fellow Hobbit, Antonio Banderas, will stand in front of the Wal-Mart on Ashford-Dunwoody in the Shire between 2 and 4 PM and they will ring the bells for the Salvation Army. They will be preceded, and succeeded, in pairs throughout the day by the other members of their clan. Frodo will wear the red apron, ring the bell, and dance a little dance if it helps to raise money for the Salvation Army and all of its' fine work.

Perhaps a small Hobbit will reach his hand to the kettle struggling to push his coins into the slot. If he wishes, Frodo will let him ring the bell. Frodo can hardly wait.

The Shire is not accessible to all who read these words, so if you are out and about this Saturday, and happen upon the bellringer, please stop by and drop a coin or two into the kettle. Tell the bellringer that it is "For Frodo."

It'll drive 'em crazy.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:08 PM EST

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Wednesday, December 7, 2005

We Gotta Get Right Back Where We Started From
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Que?"
Frodo is a long time fan of Basil Fawlty, proprietor of the English Bed & Breakfast known as "Fawlty Towers." John Cleese, the brilliant comedian and member of the heralded group known as "Monty Python," portrayed Basil Fawlty. The interplay between Basil Fawlty and the Spanish-speaking waiter, Manuel, was a highlight for Frodo. Manuel would invariably inquire of the mercurial proprietor, "Que, Mr. Fawlty?" That was always a clue for massive inability to communicate.

John Cleese has written a satirical letter to the citizens of the United States of America entitled "Fawlty America." Frodo has always believed that satire should be read not only for the humor, but for the serious aspect of constructive criticism. From his letter, Frodo quotes the following:

"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. . .Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
. . .the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:. . .
2.There is no such thing as 'US English.' We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. . .
5.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. . .
6.you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7.All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. . .
8.The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol. . .roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it. . .
11.The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. . .American brands will be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,'. . .
12.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. . .
13.You will cease playing American 'football.'. . .Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American 'football,' but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). . .
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are even aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
14.You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. . .
Thank you for your cooperation."

Funny? Frodo is prepared to defend Miller Light, the Atlanta Braves, the Internet, the Second Amendment, Ford Motor Company. He realizes then that none of them need defending. The satire is one of man's oldest weapons, just ask Dante Machiavelli. He is long remembered beyond the subject of his publication "The Prince."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:23 PM EST

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Tuesday, December 6, 2005

I Went to See The Gypsy And Had My Fortune Read
Mood:

accident prone
Topic: "Slippin' and a Slidin'"
Dominica was discovered on a Sunday by Christopher Columbus on his third voyage to the New World. In 1987 the British Colony was given its' independence. The inhabitants speak Creole, and the island is comparatively underdeveloped and poor. The primary aspects of commerce are bananas, offshore banking, and trafficking in narcotics. The island receives more than 350" of rain per annum, and is physically dominated by an extensive rain forest. The movie "Pirates of the Caribbean II" starring Johnny Depp is being filmed there now.

Frodo and Sam were excited about the treetop tram adventure to explore the Rain Forest on Dominica. Their guide explained that all passengers would be transported by van to the crest of the 4000' mountain. From the Depot at the top they would glide at treetop level for almost two hours, observing native flora, fauna, waterfalls, and anything else that might wander into view.

Frodo and Sam were in the second of five vans filled with tourists. The drive up the mountain was not unlike a typical trip into the hillsides of West Virginia. The road was narrow, steep, and it hugged the mountainside leaving no space for a downward traveler of any kind. The view was spectacular all the way up, and Frodo looked for Velociraptors for this was surely a model for "Jurassic Park."

Frodo noticed a great deal of mud in the road and attributed it to the frequent rainfall, but did not think much of it. That is, until he noticed the van in front slowing noticeably. Frodo, it should be noted, was sitting at the very rear of the van on the outside, behind the driver, over the rear wheel. Sam sat next to Frodo.

The front van accelerated as it approached a very large mudslide extending all the way across the road. The wheels slid left and right but the van motored safely to the other side. Now it was time for Frodo's van to give it a go.

The van did fine about halfway through, then all traction disappeared, and the vehicle began to slide back toward the road's edge. Frodo's body temperature spiked as he looked over the edge to the bottom of the volcanic valley far below. Amazingly, the vehicle halted before the wheel slipped over the side. Without warning the driver accelerated and started back into the slide area, trying again. For the second time the van turned even sharper toward the precipice, and the lady sitting in front of Sam began to freak out entirely. Frankly, Frodo wasn't doing so terribly well himself.

When the van came to a complete stop in the almost identical spot as before, Frodo started to make his way to the van door closest to the mountain. He was thrown back into his seat as the driver floored that sucker and headed off through the mud again. This was obviously becoming a macho thing with the driver, whom Frodo felt looked very much like a well-tanned George W. Bush. Again, the van's wheels began to spin without purpose as the van settled once again at the very edge of the cliff. At this point, Frodo was leading his fellow travelers in an insurrection to prevent the driver from trying it again.

Frodo was imagining what the newspapers back in the Shire would report. He foresaw the following on page 8 of the Metro Section, "Shire travelers killed in freak accident on Caribbean paradise."

Workers carrying shovels began arriving from the Tram Depot at the crest of the mountain. The first van had notified them of the problem and sent them down to help. Frodo helped supervise.

Finally the van was cleared to try again, but Frodo and his fellow travelers stood on the other side of the mud and waited for the driver.

The rest of the trip was uneventful. Frodo did see the largest hummingbird he'd ever imagined, but he was disappointed that none of the native flora he observed were of the "cannabis" variety. The waterfalls are worthy of Dorothy Lamour. At the end of the tram ride, and before starting downhill in the van, the travelers were treated to as much rum punch as they could drink. Frodo set new consumption records.

Frodo also sat on the other side of the van.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:50 PM EST

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Monday, December 5, 2005

It's Life's Illusions I Recall, I Really Don't Know Life at All
Mood:

not sure
Topic: "Frodo's Bad Day"
Sam's Father has not been doing very well, so Sam had to go and pay him a visit. Frodo could not tear himself away from Mount Doom. The weather is very threatening. Miss Ellyn, who normally visits the Shire to take care of Rocky, Fiona, Mick, Georgia, Sydney and Beau Neau had illness in her family and was unavailable. Miss Heather has been called off the Practice Squad and is the starting Middle Linebacker.

Frodo's day at Mount Doom started off with the loss of a nice piece of business. It was swiftly followed by another. When the day ended, it ended with someone not telling Frodo the truth and failing to do what they had promised. Frodo was made to look very foolish to a client.

Sam called and informed Frodo that the gallant Howard, the giver of great gifts to Frodo, was doing very poorly. Frodo is very sad for his friend, but he is even more sorry for himself.

The weather has gotten colder, and there is snow not far from Sam and Howard. When Frodo returned to the Shire, Rocky greeted him with the complete contents of his stomach, all over the kitchen floor.
Georgia decided that dinner was not in her sphere of interest. Fiona felt it necessary to dispose of the remnants. Now her tummy is grumbling.

Frodo has a small headache which seems to be gathering strength. Another US Marine was killed by a road side bomb near Baghdad. One of the starring members of Frodo's Gallant Braves has signed a free agent deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers. There is absolutely nothing on television, and the telephone keeps ringing with calls for contribution and subscription.

Did Frodo mention that it is getting colder outside?

Frodo stares into the mirror in his bathroom. The good news is that it isn't George W. Bush staring back at him.

Two days from today is the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:11 PM EST

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