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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Thursday, June 1, 2006
The Change Has Come, She's Under My Thumb
Mood:  not sure
Topic: "S'long Sarong (2)"
Frodo has learned that a 7-year-old boy was allowed to enroll at an elementary school in Japan's Hyogo prefecture as a girl. The young boy believes he was born the wrong sex, and he has been diagnosed as having "gender identity disorder." Frodo notes that the appropriate acronym, in English, would be "GID" which probably explains the slang term "giddy," or so Frodo supposes. "Giddy up," an expression often used to commence activity may also carry another, more confusing, aspect given the circumstances.

The young boy's name is listed with the girl students at the school, he attends a girls gym class, and he uses the girls' bathroom. He wears a girl's swimsuit at the school pool. All of these facts, to Frodo, seem so out of character for a social structure that has so little tolerance for those who don't easily conform. In fact, Katsuki Harima, a psychiatrist who specializes in "giddy," said that the decision by school officials seems appropriate, but that it would add to the complications of a young life as he gets older. Harima added that she was unfamiliar with any similar case at the elementary school level.

Frodo thinks a lot these days about people who are different. He remembers part of a song once sung by the Kingston Trio that goes sort of like this: "The whole world is festering with unhappy souls, the French hate the Germans, the Germans hate the Poles. Italians hate Yugoslavs, Yugoslavs hate the Dutch, and me, I don't like anybody very much."

Maybe Frodo is just a little too "giddy" over something so serious to a little boy on the other side of the world. It is a big and daunting world when one is only seven years old. Frodo will leave this subject with a little prayer for a little boy, and some empathy. Some burdens are just not easily understood.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:06 PM EDT
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Wednesday, May 31, 2006
When Those Cotton Bolls Get Rotten, You Can't Pick Very Much Cotton
Mood:  on fire
Topic: "Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
Frodo has long been an admirer of Michael Crichton, creator of "Jurassic Park," an accomplished author. Nothing has changed, but Frodo thinks that Crichton's most recent work, "State of Fear," stinks. Crichton's strength has always been a devotion to theme, e.g. "Nature Finds a Way," which is the principle giving credence to the fictional explanation for Jurassic Park and the story itself. In "State of Fear," Crichton tries to debunk the entire concept of Global Warming, and he does so to the detriment of his story-telling ability. Frodo, it is said, compared the argumentative dialogue to a George W. Bush Press Conference in defense of the Pre-Emptive War.

Frodo read the book as a piece of fiction, and found it to be the weakest of Crichton's stories. In all due fairness, Frodo adds, he also thinks that Crichton's scientific discourses on the mythology of global warming are bankrupt.

Frodo knows better than to compare the weather of his youth to that of his Hobbithood, especially when long-term scientific documentation is being gathered and analyzed by true scientific theoreticians. However, as a contribution to the cause, Frodo has been working out in his flower beds and pulling weeds. Should you notice, dear reader, an increased difficulty in oxygen absorption, it may be due to the three wheelbarrows full of carbon dioxide-loving plantlife which Frodo has relegated to the trash heap of history.

Crichton argues that glacial retreat and rising sea levels are merely a part of routine epochs of nature, and are not predominant reflections of Man's impact on Planet Earth. Frodo thinks that is pure hooey, and he notes that until the Citizens of Middle Earth began to pull weeds there was a balance in Nature. Now, as more and more baby-boomers reach retirement age, and turn their energies toward plants that produce food, energy, smoke, or flowers the whole environment is under siege. Millions of bald-headed, pot-bellied former Hippies are out there every evening pulling the atmospheric balance into Never-Never Land.

Just think what will happen when the baby-boomers are gone, and there aren't enough weeds being pulled? Generation X will be up their butts in sea water, and freezing in the dark.

Who says there isn't any justice anymore?




Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:25 PM EDT
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Thursday, May 25, 2006
Ya Gotta be a Football Hero to Get Along With The Beautiful Girls
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: "NFL Commissioner (2)"
Gandalf and Frodo were observed discussing the purported outreach to Florida Governor Jeb Bush to become Commissioner of the National Football League. Frodo thought it amusing that President George W. Bush would then become known as the "Commissioner's Brother." Gandalf, however, took umbrage and suggested that Frodo should consider what kind of Commissioner a Bush Brother would actually become.

"Consider, Frodo, the quality of leadership from which the Commissioner would draw his decision-making," said Gandalf. "For example, early in his Administration the Commissioner would probably launch 'a pre-emptive strike' against the Players Union."

"Ah, I see what you mean," said Frodo. "I can imagine that ticket prices, just like gasoline, will quadruple in price."

"Now you've got it, so don't you also think that individually profitable franchises will thus become deficit-ridden?"

"Well of course, and I have no doubt that the Commissioner will announce plans to initiate a new franchise on the Planet Mars," said Frodo with a giggle and a smile.

"How about starting a 'guest player program' in which soccer-style kickers are allowed to apply for citizenship if they make more than 50% of their field goal attempts?"

"Oh, I'm all for that, but we have to consider security first, therefore the Commissioner will propose using the National Guard to collect tickets."

"Well certainly, and should the bathrooms flood in in one of the domed stadiums, then the President could use the Guardsmen to help evacuate the fans in a week or so."

"Remember that the Commissioner's other brother, Neil, who honed his financial management skills in a savings and loan, could offer his services to arrange the team schedules."

"Ha, that means the Dolphins would be playing the Redskins in Oakland on a Wednesday afternoon."

"Now, now, you know that all the officials would be instructed to blow the whistle whenever a foul is committed, and to say 'Read my lips, no more holding.'"

"Before every game, rather than the National Anthemn or 'God Bless America," there would be a new song sung by some lame-o from Nashville."

Frodo paused, looking at Gandalf, "And what song would that be?"

"Send in the Clowns."

Frodo stopped and his mood turned somber. "Don't worry, they're here," he said, as they returned to the task at hand.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:47 PM EDT
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Monday, May 22, 2006
I Saw the Harbor Lights
Mood:  sharp
Topic: "Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
Frodo was very concerned for the safety of one whom he barely knew. It was no secret around the College of the Shire that being different, or unconventional, would often produce conflict. The one that Frodo knew was a Professor, of Religion and Philosophy, who often made public statements which contrasted to the prevailing opinions of those troubled times. Frodo resented some of the things said, but others moved beyond resentment to consider violence.

Frodo discussed his concerns with the Fellowship, as well as his fears. Those planning violence would not hesitate to include Frodo, and there was no doubt that by sheer force they would get their way. There was nothing but conjecture on which to base a challenge of any kind, so Frodo wrestled with a time-honored conundrum.

Eventually it was learned that one specific behemoth would wreak havoc on the Professor. It was to take place during a basketball game between faculty and students. Frodo and several members of the Fellowship were also to take part in the event, as was the behemoth. The subject of the assault would participate, as would Gandalf, the Wise, as members of the faculty.

As the teams warmed up on opposite sides of the court, Frodo and his fellow Hobbits decided to warn Gandalf, so that he could pass a warning on to the Professor. While surreptitously adjusting his shoelaces, Frodo motioned to Gandalf to come to where the Hobbits were seated.

"Lord Gandalf," he said, "please tell the Professor that he is in grave danger. The behemoth is going to make every effort to cause him pain. We do not want to see him hurt."

Gandalf glared back to Frodo, and cast his gaze upon them all. In totally uncharacteristic fashion he yelled at Frodo, "And what are YOU going to do about it? Don't you understand? This is exactly why you are losing the War." With that, he turned his back on Frodo and began to dribble away.

The Hobbits were speechless until one said, on behalf of all, "What in the Hell was that? What did he mean about us losing the War?" Frodo's predicament was greater now than when silence had been the preferred course of action. Perhaps he should notify the game officials of the plan? Perhaps he should step to center court and make an announcement of what he knew? Perhaps he should challenge the behemoth directly? In any event, Frodo now had responsibility for what was about to occur.

The behemoth was not a good basketball player, and his time on the court would be limited. Frodo and his friends knew that at least one of them would be on the court at all times. Between them, they decided that when the behemoth was on the court that one of them would maintain a position between the two so that the behemoth could not make physical contact with the Professor. It worked. The behemoth was pushed out of the way every time he came near the Professor, and the planned victim was puzzled by the fact that he was given so many open shots at the basket.

Gandalf never brought the subject up with Frodo, nor did Frodo and his friends ever discuss what happened after that night. Frodo, however, has thought about those events every single day of his life, now some 40 years later. There is no greater honor that a student can give to a Wizard than to acknowledge that he made the student think about the choices to be made every single day. Frodo admits to the fact that he still does not fully comprehend the message conveyed. Perhaps, had Gandalf given a similar message to George W. Bush, today's war would not have been blamed on faulty intelligence, and someone would take responsibility.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:37 PM EDT
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Sunday, May 21, 2006
Racing With The Moon
Mood:  blue
Topic: "Ode to an Athlete (2)"
There were two horse race tracks in or near the City of Orleans. When racing was "on" at The Fairgrounds, it was quiet at Jefferson Downs, and vice versa.

Frodo had always had a fondness for the pageantry and the excitement of horse racing. It stemmed from the days when he and the other infant Hobbits would sit in the shade of the trees that lined the parking lot overlooking the far turn of the track at Charles Town. Frodo's grandmother would sit while the adult Hobbits went to "play the daily double" in an area where infant Hobbits were not allowed. Although she would never allow herself to bet, Frodo can remember the uncanny ability that she seemed to have in selecting the winning horse.

"Never bet on a gray horse, never bet on a filly, and always look for the horse with the longest legs and the slimmest body," she summarized for Frodo. Over time, Frodo learned that things like the length of the track, the jockey, the track conditions, the history of the horse, and so on, would have a significant impact on the outcome of the race. Still, he avoids the gray, has rarely selected a filly, and those long legs have always been tempting to Frodo.

Sam was out of town, and the canines of the time, Prissy and Gumbo, were occupied with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads when Frodo left to spend a few hours at Jefferson Downs. After seven races Frodo was pretty bored, and was about to head for home. The name of a horse entered in the eighth race caught his eye. "Miss Priss" was an 15-1 shot.

"Hmph," said Frodo, "if Sam were here there would definitely be a bet placed on this horse to win." Frodo's smile turned to interest when he began to examine the facts about the horse in the racing program. It seemed that she ran well on dirt, had done very well against the leading competition paired against her in prior races, did very well on longer races, and had never been beaten when tonight's jockey had been on her back.

"She's a filly," thought Frodo, "just my luck she's an equine Hobbit with a gray complexion." When "Miss Priss" entered on the track, she was clearly the horse with the longest legs. Frodo went to the $5 window and placed a bet "For Sam," he said. For good measure, he doubled the bet for himself.

The $150 which Frodo received for betting on "Miss Priss" had to be shared. On the way home, he stopped his motorcar at the grocery store and purchased a small steak. When he arrived at home, and after allowing Prissy and Gumbo to relieve themselves, he picked up the beagle-dachshund mix and placed a kiss directly on her mouth. She probably went to her grave wondering what exactly had triggered that outburst and the subsequent bed-time treat of juicy meat and bone.

Frodo recalls this story and his fondness for horse racing while he fears for the future of gallant Barbaro, Champion of the Kentucky Derby. Yesterday, while Frodo watched on television, he saw the highly-favored athlete pull up immediately at the starting gate at the Preakness at Pimlico. His back leg was broken in three places, and only the skill of his jockey averted a major disaster for the entire field.

Normally, Barbaro would've been "put down" on the racetrack, in front of everyone, because of the severity of such an injury. The physiology of a horse is such that in the area below the "knee," and above the "ankle," there is no muscle whatsoever. As a result, the flow of blood over multiple fractures is barely negligible. It is painful, and it nearly always results in life-threatening infection and death.

It is entirely understandable that inordinate effort be extended to save the life of a horse who had finished first in each of the six races he had run. The odds are long against Barbaro and the humans who work to save the life of this gifted athlete. Barbaro, believes Frodo, would have voted to accept the challenge. Should he lose, it would not be the result of a deficiency of will or of courage.

In Frodo's Heaven there are dogs, and there are horses. The presence of a soul is found in champions, of all kinds. Barbaro will run again with the wind, and Frodo will be at the pari-mutuel window, with Prissy.






Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:23 PM EDT
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Friday, May 19, 2006
Won't You Sing Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song
Mood:  irritated
Topic: "Guest Workers (2)"
To your left, dear reader, there is an alphabetical list of topics. Refresh your memory, and look back to what Frodo called "Nkosi."

Frodo discussed a book about a very special young man, and a very special human tragedy. The young man, you may recall, was born with the AIDS virus, and he died at an incredibly young age. In his short life he did a great deal to publicize the despair that was brought upon his people because, well, for a lot of reasons.

Nkosi was born of a people with a very strong family unit as part of their society. The family units began to disassemble because the agrarian lifestyle did not offer the economic opportunity which working in the diamond mines put forth. The diamond mines were far away, so the men left their families behind while they went to work as "guest workers." Frodo assumes, at this point, that his theme is about to become apparent.

The men lived in compounds with other men for long periods of time. Prostitution was, as it has always been, increasingly commonplace. Sexually-transmitted diseases of all kinds are a corollary. When the men did return to their families, they brought the diseases with them. The result being the thousands of children born to die at an early age, including the protagonist, and his Mother.

For the President of the United States to suggest that a "guest worker" program be implemented to provide greater economic opportunity to "Latinos" is an obscenity. It reflects his total unfamiliarity with the nature of the human tragedy in Africa, and points the way to a similar conflagration in the spread of disease, and the destruction of family units in the Latino societies. His assumptions reflect the closely-held input which shapes his public policy. It is an extremely dangerous and ill-advised direction.

Illegal immigration into the United States of America has meant that two things have been happening. First, entire families have, as the Joads of Oklahoma once did, uprooted themselves from their homes and sought new lives together. Secondly, they have been accompanied by extended family-members who share quarters and send resources back. Even in this illegal environment the family has remained as the focal point, in total contrast to Nkosi's family. As long as the family units remain intact, the violence and the social evils are lessened.

There is a true clear and present danger on the horizon. Bringing in "guest workers" does not connote their families coming with them. Any public policy which fosters such an environment creates a potential for a tragedy on a Biblical scale.

Perhaps it is time to read another old book, and to think about the plagues of the Old Testament. How ironic that the evangelical President should so tempt Fate? How Frodo wishes that George W. Bush could hear people cry.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:01 PM EDT
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Thursday, May 18, 2006
Dragons Live Forever, But Not So Little Boys
Mood:  sad
Topic: "Goodbye Kids (2)"
The sponsors included Tootsie Roll Pops and Bond Bread ("Helps Build Strong Bodies 8 Ways"--later upped to 12). The characters were Flub-a-Dub, Mr. Bluster, Chief Thunderthud, Princess Summerfallwinterspring, Dilly Dally, Buffalo Bob, Howdy Doody, and of course, Clarabelle. They performed every Saturday morning live from "Doodyville," in black-and-white, right there in front of the Peanut Gallery. Frodo was a regular in front of that tube, and he laughed with everyone else his age who wanted to spray soda water into the face of an evil sibling or two.

Frodo remembers so much of the show, not out of nostalgia, but because of the relevance that the nomenclature has on Middle Earth, even today. "Peanut Gallery" is a term that, if you listen long enough, will be heard almost every day in conversation. "Howdy Doody," as a reflection of a political leader whose strings are pulled by unseen forces, is particularly appropriate. Those formative years, for Frodo, included the magic of storytelling and imagination sprinkled with a dose of comedy and a number of clowns.

Frodo was not there to say "Goodbye Clarabelle" when Mr. Lew Anderson spoke the first and only words the mute character voiced at the end of the final show in 1960. Frodo had gotten too big to ride on that dragon's tail.

Mr. Anderson, age 84, died from prostate cancer earlier this week. Although he was not the first one to play that role (Bob Keeshan, later "Captain Kangaroo" was first), he was the last. The two words reflected in our Topic this evening were the only words to accompany the bicycle horns as communication tools.

Funny, it is, thought Frodo, that he feels badly about not watching that final show. It is as if
he walked away without saying "Thank You" to someone who had offered him the gift of laughter.

"Goodbye Clarabelle."

"Thank You."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:14 PM EDT
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Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Make Your Own Kind of Music, Sing Your Own Special Song
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: "Commencement (2)"
The microphone was properly lowered and Frodo stepped up onto the stool conveniently hidden behind the lectern. He gazed about the audience and noticed the tassel swinging in front of his eyelids. He had never imagined that anything could be so distracting.

"Members of the 2006 Graduating Class of the College of the Shire, my name is Frodo Baggins. How do you do." With perfect inflection in that sentence, Frodo saw the attendees loosen to this speaker dressed in black. It was as if Johnny Cash had entered the room followed by the inmates of Folsom Prison.

"You are the generation who inherits the largest debt in the history of Middle Earth. On top of that you will be expected to support and care for the remnant of the largest population explosion in all history. It should also be noted that your college loans are now due and payable."

There was some snickering from the parents and guests. The students were not laughing.

"To the South there is a growing tide of socialist governments spawning class resentment against you, the wealthiest of all peoples. Across the sea there are those who control vast resources on which the indistries you are about to lead depend. They are uninhibited in their desire to drain your wealth and threaten your strandard of living. Scattered all about this planet are those who feel that you have disrespected their faith, and dishonored their societies. They are willing to die to cause you anguish."

The silence was deep. All attention was riveted on Frodo.

"You enter into a future that faces planetary limits on natural resources, sustenance, and space. The capacity to destroy nearly all of life rests in the hands of many, nearly all of whom are emotionally unreliable."

Frodo removed the mortar board from his head, and wiped his brow with the sleeve of his gown. He peered across the lectern just as he had seen Martin Luther King do so many times.

"Until this day, you have hidden behind your IPod and ignored the cries around you. You have yellow stickers on the trunks of the cars your daddies gave you, just to show that you 'support our troops'. Less than 1 of every thousand of you will join them. Some of you will leave this place and go to the City of Orleans to help people re-build their lives. Most of you are on you way to Cancun."

The College President and the faculty members were nervously avoiding eye contact with Frodo, and beads of sweat were on every forehead.

"You are no different in your disingenuous approach to the challenges you face than was Frodo when he walked through those doors behind you. The difference between us is that no one said that to Frodo. Somehow Frodo avoided the rice paddies, the violence in the streets, the resentment of those who wished him ill. Frodo has lived much longer than he ever figured he would, and for that he is grateful. He is happiest that it was in his time, and not in yours."

Frodo turned to the President of the College of the Shire, and smiled as he said, "And I am sure that the distinguished faculty is pleased that as I conclude my remarks," and he offered a long and pregnant pause, "I simply want you to know that despite the inventions, the discoveries, and yes, the creations of your generation, you will not offer even a dime's worth of difference as if you had merely walked out of these doors and just kept walking a la Forrest Gump."

"Sauron has the ring. For all his effort Frodo failed to keep you safe. You have no chance if you fail to destroy the evil about you. Frodo will continue to do all he can, but the task, fellow Hobbits is one you must complete."

Frodo stepped off the stool and shook the hand of Gandalf. The Fellowship was all about, and Frodo knew that the journey to Mount Doom was far from over.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:53 PM EDT
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Monday, May 15, 2006
Like a Dog Without a Bone
Mood:  hug me
Topic: "Bill and Hillary (2)"
Frodo noticed the lump while scratching the tummy of Mick, the Wonder Dog. Fatty lumps seem to occur with a great deal of frequency on good-sized male dogs, and Frodo knew that, but it didn't keep him from worrying. He held Sam's hand and guided it to the point where he had discovered the lump. Sam assured Frodo that since Mick, the Wonder Dog, was already due for "his shots," that taking him to the Vet's office would promptly put his mind at ease.

Mick and Fiona grew up together. Fiona was only six weeks old when she was adopted from a "No Kill" shelter, and she was quickly accepted by Frodo, Sam, and the marvelous Lovey. Lovey, also adopted from a shelter, had been spayed as the rules required, so Fiona was the closest thing she had ever had to a puppy, and she was a "handful" for an aging Border Collie. Mick, the Wonder Dog, is six months younger than Fiona, and he was brought into the Shire to take some of the "puppy pressure" off of Lovey, and to give Fiona a dose of her own medicine.

Mick, the Wonder Dog, was gangly and uncoordinated, but was always ready to scuffle with Fiona. The friendship grew concomitantly. Today, they are inseparable. When Fiona barks in distress, often for sheer devilment, Mick, the Wonder Dog, comes to her defense at full speed. When Mick, the Wonder Dog, barks an alarm, Fiona comes like an assault vehicle in pursuit of insurgent terrorists. They investigate together, they explore together, and they even take naps at the same time of day.

Sam told Frodo that Fiona was upset that Mick, the Wonder Dog, went into the Vet's office alone, and when he emerged back into the waiting motorcar she lit into him as if he had committed a Cardinal Sin. He is never to go into any situation without her to cover his butt. One never knows what a Vet may try to do when you are looking in another direction.

Sam reported that the Vet examined the lump and showed Sam the chart he keeps which marks any anomaly on Mick, the Wonder Dog. The lump was one of three, previously marked, that had shown little cause for concern since first they appeared.

Frodo had a bit of dust in his eye. So did Fiona.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:14 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, May 15, 2006 9:42 PM EDT
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Sunday, May 14, 2006
And There Was Thunder, Thunder
Mood:  suave
Topic: "Tullahoma Tequila (2)"
Dogwood Energy was a seller of pellets for wood stoves until gasoline prices quadrupled under the divine leadership of George W. Bush. Now they market stills to be used as private distilleries for the production of ethanol, which is, as we will all soon know, nothing more than 190 proof grain alcohol (Frodo vaguely remembers a concoction called "Purple Passion," very vaguely). It should be noted that the assembly warehouse is less than five miles from the distillery that makes JACK DANIELS whiskey, and is smack dab in the middle of what was the center of the moonshine industry for over 100 years.

Each still stands about 6 feet tall, and costs about $1400 retail. It costs about 75 cents per gallon to make a gallon of grain alcohol (er, Frodo means ethanol). Adding ethanol to a gas tank that is 80% filled will therefore save a consumer approximately 60 cents per gallon for a full tank.

Any modern-day car can run on a mixture of 15 percent grain alcohol (darn, Frodo mis-speaks again, ethanol). More than 30 models of new "flex-fuel" trucks, SUV's, and autos can use up to 85 percent ethanol. In these instances, it is known as "E85."

The National Petroleum Institute is all for adding ethanol to gasoline, however they would prefer that it be "blended" by professionals. Although no customers have, as yet, reported accidents with the stills, safety considerations are the stated concern of the representatives of the oil companies.

Frodo senses a growing conspiracy. Purchasers of the stills need a federal permit to make grain alcohol (rats, there we go again, Frodo surely means ethanol or E85). In what amounts to an "honor system," the buyers are supposed to add poison to the "ethanol," so that it will not be "consumable." Frodo notes that grain alcohol sells for more than $5 per quart. Utilizing his abacus, Frodo feels that the production of grain alcohol would produce a greater potential economic return than would E85.

By the same token, the American Petroleum Institute is not looking to lessen the income of its membership. Frodo has this mind picture of the "Oil Police" chasing Robert Mitchum, who is driving a 1957 Chevy full of E85 in plastic jugs, through the hills of East Tennessee.

Frodo is noting that a lot of land that used to lay in tobacco is now in corn, apples, or sugar cane. Frodo wonders what part of the "economic recovery" this represents?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:37 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, May 16, 2006 11:54 PM EDT
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