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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
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Citizens of Middle Earth
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Monday, June 12, 2006
Where Are The Green Fields That We Used to Roam
Mood:  sad
Topic: "To the Hoop (2)"
Frodo, unsurprisingly, has very small hands. Great athletes have big hands and very long fingers, making them better able to palm the baskeball, or to make the baseball twist and turn, or even to grasp and hold on to an errant football pass. Frodo had to run faster, hit harder, practice more, just to keep up with the competition.

In the City of Orleans Frodo played on a basketball team comprised mostly of players from Gondor. Hobbits were rarely even participative in these leagues, but all of the players, including Frodo, worked for the same employer. Frodo made the team and played a great deal simply because he could play defense so well. The other players on the team could score a lot of points, but it was Frodo's job to shut down the big scorer on the opposing team. This task did not require big hands.

Frodo's team worked well together. So well, in fact, that they over-achieved and made the City Tournament. Frodo can still see Mike, the shooting guard, and St. Clair, the point guard, leading the charge down the court, so that Freddie and Jim could work off of Frodo's positioning to shoot at the basket. Several victories into the Tournament, and the formula continued to work amazingly well.

In the Semi-Final match-up, Frodo and his friends were clearly over-matched by a physically superior team. Trailing the entire game, it took the frantic and exceptional shooting skill of Mike and St. Clair to pull the score to even with just seconds to play. The opponents had the ball and were clearly playing for the final shot. Sensing an opportunity, one of the opponents took a shot from beyond the foul line with St. Clair at his waist. Frodo cut in front of the opponent to keep him from rebounding a potential miss. Frodo guessed correctly, and the ball bounced high off the rim. Frodo was perfectly positioned and jumped with all of his might to grab the ball in mid-air. Through the corner of his eye he saw St. Clair break away and head toward the far end of the court for a desperation pass. Frodo grabbed the ball and came down with it in his possession. He immediately leaped back into the air in order to clear himself of the taller opponents and to throw a long unobstructed pass to his teammate. Frodo, with his small hands, could not get a firm grip on the ball and he came down with the ball still in his fingertips. That was a violation, and the clock expired with the score still tied.

Frodo was as distraught as he could have ever been. Had he merely been able to maintain control, he could have gotten the ball to the best shooter on the team for the winning goal. His teammates were wonderful, they reminded Frodo that it just meant they would have to work longer, and harder, together, and if it was meant to be, then it would be so.

The score was still even in the overtime period, and there were, once again, merely seconds to play. The opponents took an ill-advised shot and the ball rebounded to the tallest of Frodo's teammates, and Frodo broke instinctively along the sideline toward the goal on the other side of the court. The ball was passed to Mike, the best ballhandler and all-around player, who advanced the ball along the opposite sideline. Mike saw Frodo, and Frodo caught the glint in his eye. Every defender was drawn to Mike, leaving Frodo running full-speed in the clear.

Mike faked to his right then lofted a leading pass to Frodo. The defenders, suddenly realizing their mistake, came after Frodo at a breakneck clip. The pass came down right in front of Frodo and bounced oh so gently into his hands as he approached the backboard. The ball rolled gently off his fingertips as he glided through the air, bounced off the backboard as time expired, and fell through the basket. Frodo's team had won, and before he knew it, Frodo was being held aloft on the shoulders of his friends. His only points of the game, and they were the margin of victory.

In the Final game, Frodo's friends had already used all their magic dust, and the inevitable finally happened. They were sad, but proud, and Frodo of the little hands would have the memory that makes a thousand dropped passes all worthwile.

All of those young men lived in an area called New Orleans East. Hurricane Katrina and the collapse of the levees brought flooding and destruction right into their homes and those of their neighbors. Only Frodo had ever left. Frodo thinks often of those young men, and he continues to worry about both their safety and their future.

Frodo learned in the City of Orleans that hard work and good friends are occasionally supplemented by a helping hand, small though it may be. As another hurricane season arrives, Frodo is looking for the mailing address of the Salvation Army, and all the others who do more than make empty promises.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:44 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, June 19, 2006 9:28 PM EDT
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Sunday, June 11, 2006
They're Out There Havin' Fun in That Warm California Sun
Mood:  energetic
Topic: "Barry Me Not (2)"
Frodo's Father was, by all accounts, a very good baseball player. Frodo was told by many of those who saw his Father play that he was very fast, with a strong arm, and was a fearsome presence at the plate. Frodo remembers a story told of the boy who practiced sliding in the barn by scattering hay over the wooden floor. Frodo also knew that his Father had to leave school to work in support of his family. Baseball was one of the things for which he would no longer have time.

Frodo's Father hated the "intentional walk." He considered the strategy to be cowardice, and he immediately lost all interest or support in a team whose manager would tolerate a pitcher intentionally walking a player in order to avoid facing him as a hitter. Frodo initially tried to argue the point, but then realized the futility. There was something never shared with Frodo that obviously had to do with a player not getting his rightful turn at bat.

Frodo heard today that Barry Bonds, the San Francisco Giant, who has now hit more home runs than any player in the history of the game, except for Hank Aaron, has made an offer to the powers that be. Bonds, whose body has increased in bulk and structure in an unfathomable manner over the past few years, is the subject of at least two investigations. One investigation, by the FBI in behalf of the Justice Department, is criminal in nature. The investigation seeks to determine the use, distibution, and source of illegal drugs in Major League Baseball.

The other investigation, by Major League Baseball itself, is chaired by former US Senator George Mitchell, and is informational in nature. It seeks the same kinds of information as the FBI criminal investigation, but nobody would do jail time.

Bonds has offered to provide testimony to the Mitchell investigation if he can be assured that he will not face charges in the FBI investigation stemming from his testimony. This lawyerly slick manuver is similar to Bonds taking an "intentional walk" from the criminal investigation. Frodo feels reasonably confident that he can hear, in his minds' ear, the content of what his father would be saying right about now.

The subject here is HGH (Human Growth Hormone) which is not detectable in the system of a ballplayer through conventional drug testing procedures. It is only identifiable by a blood test, and those are not permitted under the terms of the agreement between Major League Baseball and the Players Union. The impasse that these lunatics reached in 1994 resulted in the cancellation of a baseball season, and almost destroyed the game. Frodo is not bullish on the likelihood that greed will be overcome by wisdom this time around either.

Frodo had a dream the other evening. The dream was that Barry Bonds will get up from his slumbers some morning and, while admiring himself in the mirror, suddenly discover that a third arm has begun to grow from his breast bone. As he examines himself more closely he notes the emergence of a third ear on the tip of his cranium. Even more spectacular is the appearance of an additional anus between his knee and his ankle on his right leg.

Frodo's Father would think that results of this nature would be just penalty for someone who didn't have to give up the game.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 5:38 PM EDT
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Thursday, June 8, 2006
That Dirty Little Coward That Shot Mr. Howard
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: "Just Desserts (2)"
"Excuse me, Saint Peter?"
"Yes?"
"Sergeant Frodo here Sir, down at the Main Gate."
"What can I do for you Sergeant?"
"Well Sir, we're having a little disturbance out front here, and your presence may be required."
"What seems to be the problem?"
"Well, there's this new guy outside who says he's supposed to be here, and he wants to inspect his virgins first."
"He wants to inspect what?"
"Virgins Sir, he's says he's supposed to spend eternity with a bunch of virgins?"
"Is he on our list of new arrivals?"
"No Sir, I think there are a bunch of us down here who have some idea who he was, but he's not on any of our lists, and he is very insistent."
"Ask him to have a seat Sergeant, and I'll be there in just a flash."
"Yes Sir, thank you Sir."

"I am Saint Peter. May I ask who you were and what seems to be the problem?"
"I am Abu Musah al-Zarqawi, and I am a martyr."
"Oh yes, I've heard that name. I thought you were a Jordanian?"
"I am here to get my reward from Allah."
"Well, there seems to be a bit of a mistake. This is the correct entrance for Allah, but he's not here right now, mainly because no one expected you here."
"What do you mean, not expected?"
"Well, it seems as if there is a special section for suicide bombers, terrorists, religious zealots, and hypocrites. All of your associates are there, and, according to my records, that is where you are expected."
"Is that where Allah rewards his martyrs with virgins for eternity?"
"I'm a little fuzzy on that one, since there seems to be a lot of mistaken information in that regard. I think I'll defer to the appropriate parties at that Gate."
"I see, well, where is this Gate, and how do I get there?"
"Oh Sergeant Frodo will be glad to show you the way, you just follow the signs to Door Number Seven."
"May Allah be praised, I can find the way, I will not need assistance from the infidel."
"Have it your way. Say, Mr. Zarqawi, before you go, I was just wondering where you got your information about what to expect when you got here?"
"The Holy Quran taught us in our schools that Allah's Martyrs would be rewarded with Virgins in Heaven if we died in the act of destroying those who threaten the Word of Allah."
"I see, well, I suppose you will have plenty of time to review those guidelines where you're going."

As the newcomer departed, Sergeant Frodo turned to Saint Peter and could not help but notice a wry grin across his countenance.

"Saint Peter, you have what those below would call a 'wicked grin'."
"Sergeant Frodo, as you know Gate Seven is a crossing for the River Styx and takes the newcomer into the Seventh Circle of Hell."
"Yes Sir, I'm well aware of that, but I would think that seeing any poor soul go there would be anything but amusing?"
"Oh yes, Mr. Frodo, you are so right, but this newcomer goes in expecting to spend eternity making love to virgins, and is he ever in for a surprise."
"Surprise? What will he find when he crosses the River Styx and finds his just reward for all eternity?'

Saint Peter began to laugh, tears streaming down his cheek, and he said "Sergeant Frodo, Mr. Zarqawi will find Ann Coulter with her mouth open."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:47 PM EDT
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Monday, June 5, 2006
Take Another Shot of Courage
Mood:  smelly
Topic: "Interstate Parking (2)"
Atlanta, formerly known as Marthasville, if nothing else, is certainly the transportation hub of the Southeast. The adage "To get to Hell you first have to pass through Atlanta," speaks volumes about all the spokes coming together in one place. Interstates 20, 75, and 85 criss-cross in the heart of downtown Atlanta, after each enters passes through the circumferential Interstate 285. Frodo is relatively certain that you, dear reader, already know all of this.

Things the reader does not know are a reflection of political chicanery, ignorance, racism, and the most bizarre reasoning this side of a Pre-Emptive War. Frodo divulges these facts for consideration (after all, what else does one do when sitting in traffic, listen to "Talk Radio?").

The proposal has been made that Interstate 75, coming from Chattanooga in the Nortwestern quadrant, be widened to 23 lanes. That is correct, 12 lanes in one direction and 11 in the other, to represent the widest roadway in the entire world. This, of course, is right in the heart of what was formerly the largest county in America with absolutely no public transportation. It is the heart of suburban Republicanism, the infamous "donut" populated by conservative White people. This is the Congressional District that once belonged to Newt, and now is represented by Tom Price, an obsequious little mouse of a medical practitioner. They did not need public transportation when it was first proposed, and they don't need it now. That is, as long as you hodads in Kansas and Pennsylvania pay for the widest highway in all the world.

To alleviate the traffic on the Northside loop of Interstate 285 between 75 and 85, the proposal was made that a new "Northern Arc," some 20 miles north of Interstate 285, would be constructed between the two Interstates. The heart of suburban Republicanism would be bi-sected, and the "donut" populace might face the issue of eminent domain head on. The proposal became a political issue in the most recent gubernatorial race, and "Sonny" Perdue became the first Republican Governor in Georgia since Reconstruction. Wanna guess what side of the argument "Sonny" represented? There is no "Northern Arc."

Interstate 85, coming from South Carolina in the Northeastern quadrant, bi-sects the most Republican of Counties, Gwinnett (Remember the "Runaway Bride?," this is where she lives). Rep John Linder who, along with Neil Boortz, has championed the unbelievably bizarre "Flathead Tax," in order to reduce his own personal tax bill at your expense, dear reader, is seeking Federal money in order to construct elevated roadways over the existing highway. As long as somebody else pays for it, John is there for his people.

Frodo would never imply that the traffic in which you sit is a partisan issue. Just remember the President thought it was more important to protect the sanctity of marriage today. Tomorrow he takes up the issue of burning the flag.



Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:25 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, June 5, 2006 10:29 PM EDT
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Sunday, June 4, 2006
Mr. Big Stuff, Who Do You Think You Are?
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: "Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
One of the most heart-wrenching of all the lessons learned from Hurricane Katrina, in Frodo's opinion, has to do with the lost and abandoned house pets of the Gulf Coast. Were there enough room in the Shire, as well as liberal zoning restrictions, Frodo and Sam would've fostered all of them. About this same time, the gallant Howard and Sam's Stepmother were separated by the disease that is known as Alzheimer's. The breakup of the household meant that the aforementioned house cat, known only as "Boy," would become homeless.

Sam had determined quite some time before that the very large, and overweight, all white cat would join the residents of the Shire. Punkin', Sam's special cat, had succumbed to kidney breakdown, and Rocky was nearing the final count of 10 in his battle. Adapting the three-year-old cat to the Shire would mean that only dogs and one cockatiel would have to be ameliorated. The cat had never escaped the internal confines of the dungeon that had been his home. In the Shire, there was no way to keep him from access to the dog-door which leads to the fully-enclosed "back 40."

The biggest challenge was the lack of a valid name. Sam demanded something appropriately Southern, so "Beau" seemed almost fulfilling. Frodo added "Neau" to the moniker, to pay homage to a talented and socially-conscious musician.

Beau Neau is a chase object to Mick, the Wonder Dog. Whenever spotted in the backyard, Mick, the Wonder Dog, goes into full attack mode, and Beau Neau immediately begins evasive maneuvers. Beau Neau has also learned to hide; he hides just about as well as a very large all-white cat can amongst the English Ivy and the low-hanging bushes. He has also learned to use these hiding places in order to develop his hunting prowess.

Frodo is not fond of the fact that he is harboring a killer. At first, it was kind of neat that Beau Neau was making mincemeat, literally, of the field mice and wood rats who routinely invaded the bird feeders of the Shire. Once all of them were gone, Sam began to notice pieces of blue-tailed skink and garter snake on the floor of the laundry room. Trophies were being left for Sam's approval.

Moles were next. Since moles do harm to many plants, although they are blind and very helpless, Frodo accepted their demise.

The chipmunks ("Chipmonkeys" in our lexicon) have been something else however. These miniature rats are cute, and Frodo can't help but ruminate on memories of "Chip" and "Dale" from the Wonderful World of Disney. Now Frodo would not mind if Beau Neau would turn his attention to the squirrels who plague the Shire, and certainly Beau Neau is big enough to kick some aerial rat butt. He is however much more interested in the Chipmonkeys. He is also fond of bringing them into Sam's laundry room.

Frodo believes that the Chipmonkey Saga will come to a swift conclusion once Sam takes an active role. There is no fury like that of a Hobbit protecting a laundry room from uninvited visitors.
In the interim, Frodo notes a great similarity between the Chipmonkeys and the current controversy regarding illegal immigration. Although the Chipmonkeys are keenly aware of the danger, they know that bird seed fallen from feeders is a great source of nutrition to the offspring, and it is a risk worth taking.

Frodo knows that he is not further able to secure the borders of the Shire, and Beau Neau certainly represents a segment of the population that wants these illegal intrusions to continue. Frodo certainly hopes that no one discusses this quandary with George W. Bush. The National Guard has enough to do, and one anarchy at a time is sufficient to keep the House of Representatives from scheduling hearings at St. Andrews.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:49 PM EDT
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Saturday, June 3, 2006
One Night a Wild Young Cowboy Came In, Wild as The West Texas Wind
Mood:  down
Topic: "Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"What," Frodo asked, "goes through the mind of someone who is failing and can't seem to do anything about it?" "Look at the gallant Braves," he added, "ever since their catcher got hurt, who was leading the league in hitting at the time, the rest of the team has been playing as if they were sleep-walking." "Can you imagine what it must be like for the President of the United States?," he queried, "He gets elected twice, thinks he has a mandate to do whatever he wants, and the whole world is laughing at him. He is a dismal failure and he can't seem to do anything about it."

Gandalf and Sam merely nodded as Frodo proceeded to define his point. "The budget deficit has reached a level almost unconscionable to most Citizens of Middle Earth, and this great leader has not exercised his authority to stop the spending. Not one single veto of one single Bill. It is understandable why so many believe that this is a deceitful plan, a plan to spend so much that soon there won't be enough money to spend on anything other than re-paying the debt and defense. Everything else that government does, including Social Security, will end."

Merry, Pippin, and Legolas listened intently as Frodo talked about Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and his legacy. "It was Roosevelt, Time Magazine"s 'Man of the Century,' who said to his people that it was fear, and fear alone, which was the threat to national survival. Now, the anti-Roosevelt uses fear as the justification for the dimunition of individual liberties." Frodo kicked at the dirt, "And he acts as if it is his divine calling to proceed without the questions, the checks and balances, which more than 200 years of constitutional government guarantee."

Boromir and Galadriel, with lumps in their throats, cheered Frodo on when he came to the Pre-emptive War. "Incredibly, he takes the nation to War on the basis of information that was simply not correct. The troops do not have the gear that they need, yet they fulfill the mission assigned to them. Now, nearly 1500 days later, they are still in harm's way, policing the internecine struggles of this faux nation built by the fiat of George W. Bush." Frodo's face reddened and his heart beat faster and faster. "What galls the most is the fact that the whole effort was based on an academic theorem which had no conceptual proof in the history of mankind. Yet, he hangs on as if he alone is guided by the truth. He does not have the moral courage to even attend a single funeral for the soldiers he sent to this War of choice."

Frodo turned to Gimli, Tom Bombadil, and Treebeard with tears welling in his eyes. "He flaunts the law. He values 'loyalty' above all other characteristics, and he confines his counsel to those who extend him the greatest loyalty. He never hears a dissenting voice, and he never takes the opinions of those outside his immediate sphere of advisers into consideration. Even those who have supported him now distance themselves from many of his proposals." Frodo stared into the heavens, "It is hard to imagine whether there are any persons serving this President who will be immune from prosecution for actions taken in his behalf. They have acted 'above the law,' and time will claim its' victims."

Frodo thought about the ring and the threat that it brings to all the Citizens of Middle Earth. "There are those who defend Saruman by down-playing the harping of those whom they call 'Bush bashers.' I am afraid that Frodo stands here, feeling much as Patrick Henry must have felt when he said "Is Life so dear, or Peace so sweet, as to be purchased by the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it Almighty God, I know not what course others may take, but as for me, Give me Liberty, or Give me Death.'"

Frodo is a "Bush-basher," and damn proud of it. So say we all, the Fellowship of the Ring.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:59 PM EDT
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Friday, June 2, 2006
You Know It Don't Come Easy.
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: "Combat Kelly (2)"
Mike Wallace has been interviewing people since before Frodo was born. Mike Wallace has been interviewing people since before any of us, dear reader, was born. It is a good "mind game" to try to recall the first interview one remembers Mike Wallace conducting, for it seems that he has, indeed, interviewed everyone.

On the console model black-and-white TV, with a faulty 6GB6 vacuum tube, conveniently set aside in his bedroom, Frodo was able to occasionally catch a broadcast or two after homework and before bed. Distinctly, Frodo remembers Mike Wallace, and the spirals of cigarette smoke, as he engaged a World War II Veteran named "Combat" Kelly. Frodo was at the age where he thought War was neat, and that playing War was a frequent occurrence in his activity list. Listening to a winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor talk about killing Germans was not something Frodo would miss.

Wallace asked Kelly, as best Frodo now can recall, if he experienced any remorse for the taking of more than 100 lives. Kelly was adamant and blunt in his response. He had seen friends and fellow soldiers fall, and he had no compunction whatsoever about taking the lives of the enemy responsible. At the time that sounded perfectly reasonable to Frodo, and, in some ways, it still does. Recent events make Frodo think about a lot of things he used to blindly accept.

Frodo does not accept the fact that war crimes are only committed by bad people. There is no doubt in Frodo's mind that some good people get pushed beyond the norm. In the same vengeful state of mind as "Combat" Kelly it is very likely that a good person may act inappropriately. It is one of the many travesties of the inexplicable madness we grow up calling "War." There are young men in Camp Pendleton this evening who probably fall into both categories.

Frodo was once on the same airplane with Mike Wallace, and they stood side-by-side while being transported from plane to terminal. Wallace must have known that Frodo recognized him, for he smiled at Frodo when their eyes met. Frodo would have liked very much to talk with him, especially to ask him about that interview with "Combat" Kelly. Frodo respected Mr. Wallace's privacy however, and allowed him to go in peace. It is just as well, because answers do not come that easy.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:11 PM EDT
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Thursday, June 1, 2006
The Change Has Come, She's Under My Thumb
Mood:  not sure
Topic: "S'long Sarong (2)"
Frodo has learned that a 7-year-old boy was allowed to enroll at an elementary school in Japan's Hyogo prefecture as a girl. The young boy believes he was born the wrong sex, and he has been diagnosed as having "gender identity disorder." Frodo notes that the appropriate acronym, in English, would be "GID" which probably explains the slang term "giddy," or so Frodo supposes. "Giddy up," an expression often used to commence activity may also carry another, more confusing, aspect given the circumstances.

The young boy's name is listed with the girl students at the school, he attends a girls gym class, and he uses the girls' bathroom. He wears a girl's swimsuit at the school pool. All of these facts, to Frodo, seem so out of character for a social structure that has so little tolerance for those who don't easily conform. In fact, Katsuki Harima, a psychiatrist who specializes in "giddy," said that the decision by school officials seems appropriate, but that it would add to the complications of a young life as he gets older. Harima added that she was unfamiliar with any similar case at the elementary school level.

Frodo thinks a lot these days about people who are different. He remembers part of a song once sung by the Kingston Trio that goes sort of like this: "The whole world is festering with unhappy souls, the French hate the Germans, the Germans hate the Poles. Italians hate Yugoslavs, Yugoslavs hate the Dutch, and me, I don't like anybody very much."

Maybe Frodo is just a little too "giddy" over something so serious to a little boy on the other side of the world. It is a big and daunting world when one is only seven years old. Frodo will leave this subject with a little prayer for a little boy, and some empathy. Some burdens are just not easily understood.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:06 PM EDT
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Wednesday, May 31, 2006
When Those Cotton Bolls Get Rotten, You Can't Pick Very Much Cotton
Mood:  on fire
Topic: "Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
Frodo has long been an admirer of Michael Crichton, creator of "Jurassic Park," an accomplished author. Nothing has changed, but Frodo thinks that Crichton's most recent work, "State of Fear," stinks. Crichton's strength has always been a devotion to theme, e.g. "Nature Finds a Way," which is the principle giving credence to the fictional explanation for Jurassic Park and the story itself. In "State of Fear," Crichton tries to debunk the entire concept of Global Warming, and he does so to the detriment of his story-telling ability. Frodo, it is said, compared the argumentative dialogue to a George W. Bush Press Conference in defense of the Pre-Emptive War.

Frodo read the book as a piece of fiction, and found it to be the weakest of Crichton's stories. In all due fairness, Frodo adds, he also thinks that Crichton's scientific discourses on the mythology of global warming are bankrupt.

Frodo knows better than to compare the weather of his youth to that of his Hobbithood, especially when long-term scientific documentation is being gathered and analyzed by true scientific theoreticians. However, as a contribution to the cause, Frodo has been working out in his flower beds and pulling weeds. Should you notice, dear reader, an increased difficulty in oxygen absorption, it may be due to the three wheelbarrows full of carbon dioxide-loving plantlife which Frodo has relegated to the trash heap of history.

Crichton argues that glacial retreat and rising sea levels are merely a part of routine epochs of nature, and are not predominant reflections of Man's impact on Planet Earth. Frodo thinks that is pure hooey, and he notes that until the Citizens of Middle Earth began to pull weeds there was a balance in Nature. Now, as more and more baby-boomers reach retirement age, and turn their energies toward plants that produce food, energy, smoke, or flowers the whole environment is under siege. Millions of bald-headed, pot-bellied former Hippies are out there every evening pulling the atmospheric balance into Never-Never Land.

Just think what will happen when the baby-boomers are gone, and there aren't enough weeds being pulled? Generation X will be up their butts in sea water, and freezing in the dark.

Who says there isn't any justice anymore?




Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:25 PM EDT
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Thursday, May 25, 2006
Ya Gotta be a Football Hero to Get Along With The Beautiful Girls
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: "NFL Commissioner (2)"
Gandalf and Frodo were observed discussing the purported outreach to Florida Governor Jeb Bush to become Commissioner of the National Football League. Frodo thought it amusing that President George W. Bush would then become known as the "Commissioner's Brother." Gandalf, however, took umbrage and suggested that Frodo should consider what kind of Commissioner a Bush Brother would actually become.

"Consider, Frodo, the quality of leadership from which the Commissioner would draw his decision-making," said Gandalf. "For example, early in his Administration the Commissioner would probably launch 'a pre-emptive strike' against the Players Union."

"Ah, I see what you mean," said Frodo. "I can imagine that ticket prices, just like gasoline, will quadruple in price."

"Now you've got it, so don't you also think that individually profitable franchises will thus become deficit-ridden?"

"Well of course, and I have no doubt that the Commissioner will announce plans to initiate a new franchise on the Planet Mars," said Frodo with a giggle and a smile.

"How about starting a 'guest player program' in which soccer-style kickers are allowed to apply for citizenship if they make more than 50% of their field goal attempts?"

"Oh, I'm all for that, but we have to consider security first, therefore the Commissioner will propose using the National Guard to collect tickets."

"Well certainly, and should the bathrooms flood in in one of the domed stadiums, then the President could use the Guardsmen to help evacuate the fans in a week or so."

"Remember that the Commissioner's other brother, Neil, who honed his financial management skills in a savings and loan, could offer his services to arrange the team schedules."

"Ha, that means the Dolphins would be playing the Redskins in Oakland on a Wednesday afternoon."

"Now, now, you know that all the officials would be instructed to blow the whistle whenever a foul is committed, and to say 'Read my lips, no more holding.'"

"Before every game, rather than the National Anthemn or 'God Bless America," there would be a new song sung by some lame-o from Nashville."

Frodo paused, looking at Gandalf, "And what song would that be?"

"Send in the Clowns."

Frodo stopped and his mood turned somber. "Don't worry, they're here," he said, as they returned to the task at hand.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:47 PM EDT
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