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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Lean On Me When You're Not Strong
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: "Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)

Baseball is a lot like life itself, or at least that is the way it seems to Frodo.  "You can be coasting along on a two-run lead and the losing team hasn't even threatened," he said "and then all of a sudden the shortstop makes an error on a routine ground ball and you give up seven runs."  Such, Frodo supposes, is the situation as he wrestles Gollum for possession of the Ring, near the very end of his long and difficult journey through Mordor and into the inner caverns of Mount Doom.  To be so close to victory over Sauron, and to find danger in every direction has kept Frodo intense, if not morose.  It is difficult to write, dear reader, when all you experience is bad.

In another week Frodo will journey to the College of the Shire, there to join with Hobbits from dispersed points throughout Middle Earth who return, perhaps for a final time, to the spot where they spawned themselves into alumni, forty years ago.  Frankly, Frodo doubted that his life would last for forty years, since there were many guns pointed in his direction in those days. 

It is an oxymoron to refer to any as the most hideous of wars, but if there were ever a true candidate for such a title, it would be that which took place in the steaming jungles of Southeast Asia.  Despite the unspeakable stupidity of a pre-emptive war, or the "Bush Doctrine" so dubbed by Charles Gibson, and the subsequent economic and diplomatic morass produced by a moronic President, Frodo can't let go of the losses he experienced in those days, so long ago.  It was not until Barack Obama wrote so eloquently about the need for our nation to step beyond the internal conflict raging in so many of our hearts that Frodo recognized his obsession.

In less than a month the enemy will be confronted on the final battlefield.  Two months later the light in Sauron's Tower will be extinguished, and then the Hobbits return to the challenges of life in the Shire.  There is no money, there is no work, and sometimes there isn't even any rain.  It will not be easy, but perhaps there will be laughter, and Frodo will feel like telling stories, once again.

In the interim, perhaps he will be confronted by an old girl friend, alone, in the corner, in the dark.  


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:36 PM EDT
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Saturday, October 4, 2008
I'll Tell You How To Become An All-American Boy
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: "Three Siblings" (4)

Bright's Disease, a certified non-killer in today's world, left a widow and six children amid the deepest economic disaster then known to mankind.  Starvation was averted only when a prospective stepfather stepped forward, who required however, that the juvenile family unit would have to make its' own way through foster care.  The widow had no choice.

Reuben died in the War.  Lemuel was killed in a trainwreck.  Dorothy died of a heart attack.

The three siblings remaining today were closer, more intimate, appreciative of their common suffering, and more likely to step forward in behalf of each other than any others ever known by Frodo.  Their common devotion to one another was molded into the body politic of all who came in contact with these human proponents of the "Incredible Journey."

When Bilbo's father passed away, her sister Blanche, and her own second husband Don, he of the irrepressible good humor, retired to the desert land in which Bilbo now lived all alone.  Blanche's first husband, Sam, had been wounded at Monte Cassino in Italy, and his wounds eventually caused his demise.  After Don died, Bilbo found herself as perhaps being not so tragic a figure as Blanche, and the synaptic circuits found ways to avert such crisis determinations.  Soon, Blanche would be cast as a thief, and one who was never grateful for all the good things that Bilbo had done in her behalf.

Turner, the youngest, lied about his age in order to join the USMC, and was struck by enemy fire on Okinawa, surviving to become the strongest, if not the penultimate most gentle, of all those present in Frodo's formative days.  Turner became the victim of the increasing enmity between the aged sisters, and found himself the crux of all their frustrations.

Eventually, every family member, no matter how remote, found themselves being recruited onto one side or the other.  Bilbo eventually divorced herself from Turner entirely, convinced that she, alone, had all wisdom, and Blanche sought refuge in the kindeness of strangers. 

Blanche has now been diagnosed with Alzheimers.  This increidbly beautiful, good-looking, party girl of generations past will soon not remember a single good time.  It is not fair.

Bilbo has double pneumonia and congestive heart failure.  She is in assisted living, and would rather die than go back into the hospital again.

Turner has had a pig's valve transplanted into his heart, and has had three additional surgeries in the past 60 days in order to achieve a state of assisted existence.

Those who began life as the closest, most interdependent, most loyal, because of the absence of any alternative, could legitimately be chronicled today on the same pages as space aliens or the offspring of cattle and monkeys.

Frodo would pay any price, suffer any burden, walk any distance in order to foster the terms that would define the legitimate end of days for those whom he does so admire.  It will not be so, he knows, and Frodo would be disingenuous to expect anything different.  Life is indeed a great gift, but it also comes at great cost; defying both logic and a true sense of empathy.  No one ever told Frodo that days such as these would be easy, but it certainly would have helped if there had been something for him to read to prepare him for something so absolutely basic.  Perhaps, dear reader, Frodo's words let you know that you are not alone, and that someone, in this case a mere Hobbit has, too, walked in your shoes.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:55 PM EDT
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Saturday, September 27, 2008
I'll Never Stop The Rain by Complainin'
Mood:  blue
Topic: "Newman's Own" (4)

The Shire lies just a few miles from the town square in Marietta, Georgia.  On several occasions, as Frodo slowed his pace in order to take note of people, flowers, buildings, or some other distraction, he would look around to see if someone looked like Joanne Woodward.  This is her hometown.  She is very much on Frodo's mind this day, as is Robert Redford, and Tom Cruise, and the countless hundreds who appeared in movies with her husband, and Frodo's hero, Paul Newman.

83 years is a long time in human terms, particularly when it encompasses depressions, and wars, and assassinations, freedom marches, impeachments, civil liberties, and, yes, salad dressing.  Great wealth and fame were not the achievements of his lifetime, at least in his mind, in appearance if not in fact.  Paul Newman stood for human dignity, and he did so in both personal appearance and with a checkbook.  Frodo is very much saddened that the results of the next Presidential Election will not include a vote entered by Paul Newman.  Frodo is sure that it would have meant something very special.

Scott Joplin, remember him?  The score for "The Sting," in which Newman and Redford, scalawags that they were, took revenge on Robert Shaw for the murder of their friend, Luther, who just happened to be black.  How about the drunken Boston lawyer, Frank, who took on the entire Catholic Church in order to right a wrongful innocent death by an incompetent surgeon.  Along the way, Frank regained his life, but he lost his heart.  Ah, but dear, dear reader, how can you forget Butch and Sundance, riding the bicycle, robbing the train, leaping the leap, all while B. J. Thomas crooned about "nothin' worryin' me?"

Frodo is more than a day older today.  In the spirit of it all, and with sympathy for Ms. Woodward, Frodo and Sam will have spaghetti tonight.  The jar of meat sauce to be used bears the smiling face of a great actor, a fine gentle man, and someone Frodo would like to have been, if for just a day.  

All of the profit on the "Newman's Own" products went to, and will go to, charity.  A class act, all the way.  Exit, stage left.

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 2:10 PM EDT
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Thursday, September 25, 2008
Heavenly Shades of Night Are Falling
Mood:  not sure
Topic: "A Thousand Campfires"(4)

There must have been an instance when a hunter stared deep into the embers, while all about him slumbered.  Perhaps he had not found prey, or even signs thereof, and the winds had already started to blow, colder and colder.  There might even have been pains in his legs and shoulder, keeping him from throwing his spear as straight or as powerfully as he had done for so many seasons.  In the darkness he can hear the coughing of a small, too small, child, or the labored breathing of she who has been his constant companion since that first night together.  Perhaps even a cave wolf approaches closer to the warmth of the fire,  to exchange the companionship shared by providers, no matter the species.  Words were not necessary then, nor are they now.

When sleep ends, without explanation, it portends fear, generally of the unknown.  Time passes so quickly when success becomes the norm, thinks Frodo this night, for he has great difficulty separating one pleasant day from another, but the storms of the morrow weigh heavily upon his brow.  Mount Doom looms, and Frodo knows that all for which he has labored is threatened by things which he cannot control.  He stares into the blueness of the electronic marvel before him, just as the hunter separated flame from ash.

The wealth of nations, as Adam Smith so eloquently composed, is in the pattern that followed from the hunter, and led, eventually, to Frodo.  What once could be gutted and dried for later consumption by the hunter and those who depended upon him, later became something which was a mere representation of that which had true consumable value.  Despite the utility, new dangers lurked about, threatening the holder, his safety, and the very existence of those who depended upon him.  He, too, found instances where a fireplace called in the dark of night.

Now there is Frodo, the proud possessor of friends and fealty, standing agape at systems which swallow resources in an instant, leaving the hunter wondering what might happen when the beans are counted in marketplaces half-a-world-away.  The worries fall upon him just as they did a thousand campfires ago.  The representation becomes as Shakespeare reminded us, noting that all which has changed is the actors themselves, while the stage itself remains as it has always been.

Frodo and friends will wander back into the darkness, in hopes that these words have expunged one small demon.  Until the morrow, dear reader.  


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 3:40 AM EDT
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Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Tell Your Mama, Tell Your Paw, I'm Gonna Send Ya Back To Arkansas
Mood:  rushed
Topic: "Pray for, Gas?" (4)

Several months ago the round mound of unreknown who serves as Governor in the State of Georgia proved beyond all doubt that he was a bombastic clod, when he announced that he would conduct a prayer meeting on the steps of the State Capitol seeking relief from the continuing drought.  It did not rain.  The drought continues.

Subsequent to the spate of hurricanes in the Gulf of Mexico, suffering has spread into new circles of disfavor by the Almighty.  More than 750,000 Americans are still without electric power, for example.  What makes this a personal problem for Frodo is that the shutdown of two oil refineries in Texas (where else?) has resulted in an insufficient supply of petrol for motorcars throughout the Southeast.  The greed of the Republican-dominated States has been reflected in the "rush" on every gas station in the Carolinas, Florida, Tennessee, and Georgia.  There is no gas in virtually any location, and as soon as a tanker arrives at a set of pumps anywhere, long lines of motorcars queue up to hoard all that is made available.  Predictions are that it may take up to three weeks to rectify the shortages.  Frodo has sufficient petrol in his motorcar to travel exactly 31 miles.

Governor Sonny Perdue has requested a variance from current Federal air quality guidelines in order to bring poor quality, polluting petrol into the pumps.  Tonight we learned that his request has been granted.

Perhaps Sonny decided that a prayer meeting on the Capitol steps might not be such a hot idea, given his track record with the Big Guy/Gal (pick one).  Frodo however, thinks differently.  The gasbag would seem adequately cast as a prayerful requestor for more gas. 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:41 PM EDT
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Monday, September 22, 2008
Searchin' Every Which A Way
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: "Candygram" (4)

Mr. Beau Neau McKitty was thrilled that, once again, Frodo and Sam had returned to the Shire.  Despite their obvious need to clear the fog which had seemed to settle on their everyday existence, Beau Neau remained convinced that he could provide the answer to every problem or care.  As soon as Frodo opened the door leading into the Gardens of the Shire, and with a burst of speed worthy of any Jamaican sprinter, Beau Neau was through the dog-door in order to commence his search for an appropriate homecoming gift.

The next morning found Frodo before the mirror, in preparation for his daily conflict at Mount Doom.  Shaving, Frodo determined many years ago, is best performed in the buff, after the shower, and before he assembles his chain mail and his armor.  It was as this ritual took place that Frodo noted a low moan from the hallway.  The moan was repeated several times, to Frodo's consternation, since Sam continued to slumber, and the sound definitely required analysis.

Frodo stepped into the hallway to observe Beau Neau in possession of one wounded, and greatly threatened, chipmunk (name unknown).  Frodo attempted to pluck the chipmunk from Beau Neau's grasp, lifting the helpless creature by his tail pinched between his thumb and forefinger.  Beau Neau batted the rescue attempt from Frodo's grasp, and Frodo assumed the worst.  Surprisingly, the stunned chipmunk still exhibited life signs, so Frodo acted with speed and surprise.  Carrying the chipmunk by his tail, Frodo took off for the basement door, two floors below, watrching carefully to ensure that the rescue attempt not be squelched by an errant nip from the would-be rescuee.

Frodo noted little movement from the hindquarters of the chipmunk, thereby causing him to fear that, despite his heroic effort, little would be accomplished.  Frodo burst through the basement door, and started to place the chipmunk in a secure hiding place when he realized that it was cooler this morning than it had been in many moons.  The coolness was exacerbated by the fact that Frodo was flashing a moon at the entire population of the Shire. 

Oh well, at least it was for a good cause, and with the noblest of intentions.

Frodo pulled the basement door closed behind him as Beau Neau came charging downstairs in hot pursuit.  The shocked feline seemed unable to absorb the reason for Frodo's attempt to subvert his gift-giving to Sam.  Frodo was in no mood to debate the subject.  Frodo returned to his shaving, and Sam spoke up from slumbertown seeking some explanation for the disruption of a nights' rest.  Sam remains fortunate that Frodo had no corpus delecti to drop into sleepwear.  Especially since Sam was overheard to say, "Oh good kitty, thank you for your present."

Frodo is beginning to believe that the cat is a Republican. 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:58 PM EDT
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Saturday, September 13, 2008
Just Me And You, With A Little Luck
Mood:  lucky
Topic: "Savin' Gas" (4)

Frodo is no fan of traffic.  On more than one occasion, while in his motorcar, he has been passed by another driver exceeding the speed limits while conducting non-driving-related activity.  He has seen a gentleman brushing his teeth, a lady applying mascara and eye-make-up, and tens of thousands talking on telephones; all of this mind you at elevated mileage per hour.  Frodo grows increasingly wary of what appears in front of him while traveling the lanes about the Shire.  Frodo, however, has nothing on Mr. Jim Litz, of Missoula, Montana, who reminds us all about keeping our eyes on the road.

Mr. Litz is a Middle School Teacher, and while pedaling away on his bicycle at near break-neck speed, the open lane in front of him was suddenly occupied by a pedestrian.  With less than 10 feet separating the two parties there was little that Litz could do except to hold on for dear life.  Describing the scene later, Litz indicated that he "T-boned" the pedestrian black bear and flipped the bicycle over the bear and landed head first.  Both parties to the accident were startled, given, perhaps, to the fact that neither one had a history of traffic misdemeanors.  Mr. Litz was the only one wearing a helmet, according to the accident report filed with the local police.

Mr. Litz stated that the accident cracked his helmet, and he received "scratches" on his back.  The other participant seemed none the worse for wear, but fled the scene before officers could arrive.  Although not verified as we go to press, it is likely that the bear will be charged with "failure to yield the right-of-way," and with "leaving the scene of an accident."

If Frodo had been the police officer-in-charge, he would've let the bear off with a warning.  Frodo also would've initiated an investigation into what exactly a Middle School Teacher at the "Target Range Middle School" teaches; or what he smokes.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 3:16 PM EDT
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Thursday, September 11, 2008
Ring, Ring, Telephone Ring
Mood:  on fire
Topic: "Spiro T. Palin" (4)

Richard Milhous Nixon was an uninspiring man.  When Nixon was nominated to become the Republican candidate for President  the second time around, his selectee for Vice-President was a virtually unknown Governor from an incredibly small State.  Politically undistinguished nationally, Spiro Ted Agnew of Maryland used his communication skills as a "surrogate" for the verbally-challenged Nixon.  It did not take long for Agnew to charge into the "liberal media" with phrases like "Nattering nabobs of negativism," seeking to change the battle from one of issues, to one of personalities.  Hubert Humphrey was the first victim, and the United States of America came next.

Agnew was challenged by a predisposition to illegal activity.  The absence of ethics by a sitting Vice President of the United States helped to create a Consitutional crisis of epic proportion.  Frodo, and the entire Brotherhood remains grateful to this day to Gerald Ford and others who acted in behalf of their country, first.

Tonight, a chill ran up Frodo's spine, as memories came rushing back to a time, again, where issues were ignored by some, in favor of personalities.  Another Vice Presidential candidate showed herself to be something less than what was advertised.  The symbolism is pretty apparent to Frodo.  Change, you say?  Hardly.

Frodo called the local "community organizer" and offered to do something more than to simply send a check, to attach a bumper sticker, or to put a sign in front of the Shire.  Frodo remembered the fervor and the devotion of the one he calls "Falzone for America," and this time, Frodo promised to do something more.  The Ring will only be destroyed if Frodo picks up the phone and calls, and calls.  Maybe it will be the Hobbit on your front porch, dear reader.  Please answer.

Because the world depends on us.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:16 PM EDT
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Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Seven Years And a Dozen Pounds Ago, One Night I Reached Out And You Were Gone
Mood:  sad
Topic: "Takes a Worried Man"(4)

The thing that amazes Frodo most of all is that, as far as he now knows, he never met a single person who had died on the 11th Day of September, 2001.  Despite his many trips into New York and Washington, and his many business contacts with people in the financial and military worlds, not one single casualty was an acquaintance of the Hobbit.  It should be added that for some strange reason, Frodo feels ashamed.  

How fitting, thinks Frodo, that his title this evening is Elvis Presley, singing about "Kentucky Rain."  When Elvis died, Frodo left his youth behind, but it was the events of the 11th Day of September that suddenly brought Frodo into a confrontation with the final third of his own existence.  He has found himself raging, as Dylan Thomas might have said, "against the light," as if he might, indeed, not go gently into that good night. 

Now, more than ever, Frodo is concerned about principle.  Reluctant to mask the truth for any reason, and unwilling to accept inequity, he finds himself increasingly torn by the fires of a generation soon to disappear forever.  Hard work, and sacrifice, cannot erase the trivialities which characterize the final breaths of those who shaped and formed he who is the Hobbit.  Frodo, every day it seems, laments the loss of civility in their lives, and promises, once again, that he shall not do the same.

How ironic it is that Frodo thinks about the 11th Day of September, and wishes that something so vile, so horrendous, could have been the vessel that served the end for those who now suffer, in heart and mind.  It would have been quicker, and less brutal.  It would have given Frodo something to cry about.

Crying is not all bad.    


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:13 PM EDT
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Saturday, September 6, 2008
As It Goes Along The Ground, Ground, Ground With a Happy Sound
Topic: "Problems?" (4)

Frodo, not unlike most of us, is very fond of certain words and phrases, for they often appear in his writings and in his words.  "Independently inventing the wheel," is a phrase he often uses to demonstrate the arrogance of those who seem to feel that they are unique in all the world.  Frodo, on the other hand, happens to believe that there is no problem confronting man or Hobbit which appears for the first time today.  Somewhere, at some time in the more than 10,000 years of upright bipedal locomotion, it has all happened before.  That, of course, gives rise to the saying, "He who does not learn from history is bound to repeat it."

In Spain, the government has submitted a plan to fight soaring unemployment (now at 6.1% in the US of A) by shutting the door on foreign workers.  The Labor Minister announced this week that the number of work visas granted abroad to workers eager to get low-skill jobs in Spain will "get close to zero."  Critics argue that the plan is "mean-spirited and futile."  Frodo kept looking to see what words of wisdom some Spanish Lou Dobbs might potentially offer to the controversy.  Amid the silence, Frodo did note that Spain borders only Portugal and France, with Morocco staring across the Pillars of Hercules into Europe.  Frodo assumes therefore that Moroccco is the source of the Spanish problem.

Frodo wonders what the Spanish word for "wetback" is, when applied to African emigres.  If, as most conservatives would note, the government simply refused to legally recognize tempoary workers, then there would have to be a prescription for the subsequent problems to follow.  Following in the current American tradition, the Spaniards will probably build a wall, and issue firearms to any citizen demanding the right to defend home and hearth from the infidels. 

What is inherent in the Spanish situation is the fact that, since the legislation only addresses "low-skill" jobs, then it must imply that there are "Two Spains."  There is a Spain which basks in the good life of a civilized and fruitful society, and there is another Spain in which society fails to deliver on the promise of a happy and productive existence.  There is, quite likely, a barrister somewhere in Spain who speaks of this, while seeking a potential political career.  He is probably under observation by the Spanish-language version of the "National Enquirer."

There are, of course, many parallels to be drawn in this analogy, and it could very easily be compared to present situations in Great Britain (Turks), Germany (Eastern Europeans), or even China (Sunni Muslims).  To add even greater perspective, it is not obstreperous to examine the flow of Chinese into the American West and Arabs into the American South, all for the purpose of constructing railroad beds during the 19th century.

These parallels ought to be providing our leadership with some greater insight into the peaceful reconciliation of problems in today's world.  Simply because what we face to day doesn't differ much from that which happened in other places, at other times.

The problem with the past eight years was that nobody took the time, or suffered the indignation, to ask questions.  The cowboys in charge were "afraid" to stop and ask directions.

Now what is the difference between a "maverick" and a "cowboy?"  Despite "Brokeback Mountain," the answer is not "lipstick."  Note, dear reader, that the similarity between the two is much greater than the differences.  Neither is noted for operating logically, rather it is as if they were inventing the wheel, for the first time.   Let us hope that history does not condemn us to a repetition of the circumstances which have brought us to the very caverns of Mount Doom. 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 4:31 PM EDT
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