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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
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Citizens of Middle Earth
The Fellowship of the Ring
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The Return of the King
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Move It, Move It, Move It
Mood:  rushed
Topic: "Hobbits And a Truck"(4)

"Hold it right there.  Can I help you?"

"Sure General.  How're you?  We're the movers."

"The movers?  Buddy, this is a pick-up truck?  I suppose you have some identification and documentation?"

"Raht cheer General.  We're 'Hobbits And a Truck,' no job too big or too small."

"Hmm.  Wait right there while I check on this."

"Sure thing General.  And while you're at it, would you check and see if they're prepared to pay cash?"

"You expect to be paid in cash?"

"That's the deal General, plus ain't you seen what's goin' on?  Man, no one can take a check on any bank and feel good about it."

"Hah.  You're right on that one."

"Now don't take too long, we'd like to get on the road to Texas fore dark."

"Charlie, you're not gonna believe this.  These guys ARE the movers."

"Jes what I told ya General.  Now listen, y'all boys know of a liquor store around here somewhere?  We need to get a few boxes."

"Central Liquor is on 15th, just around the corner from the FBI.  You guys need boxes for packing?"

"Sure, that's one way to hold costs down for our customers.  What's the story here, this place gettin' foreclosed upon?"

"Well, you might say that."

"This place looks kinda familiar."

"This your first trip to Washington?"

"Never been here before.  Jes took this job so's we could come and visit our money."

"That's an old joke."

"We ain't spring chickens ourselves."

"Well, just pull over here to the right, circle around to the back, and the guards there will direct you to the exit right by the elevator.  Do not get out of your truck until they tell you to do so.  They will screen you through security and search your truck."

"Say what General?  Search our truck?  Nobody said nothin' bout searchin' no truck.  Shoot, there might be an old reefer or somethin' in the bed."

"How did you boys get this job in the first place?"

"Well, Tom Bombadil here worked it out with this ole gal he met up in Alaska."

"Yeah?"

"We were up there lookin' for work at a turkey processing plant, and Tom was havin' a beer outside this here trailer park, when this ole gal come up ta him and started puttin' moves on him.  Well, he told her he wasn't much interested since he was a little short of cash."

"Then what?"

"Well General, she told him she might be able to help him out in that regard.  Next thing we know, we're on our way to Washinton to pick up a load of furniture and to take it to Texas."

"Interesting."

"That ain't the half of it.  Ole Tom here, jes been sittin' and smilin' ever since.  Only thing he's said is that from now on we're to address him as 'Joe DaPlummer'."

 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 3:35 PM EST
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Thursday, January 15, 2009
One Less Apparition Provided By Magician
Mood:  party time!
Topic: "Grissom not Gruesome"(4)

Grissom is leaving the Las Vegas Crime Lab tonight.  Gruesome is giving his Farewell Address in front of family, friends, and household pets.  Neither one will be wearing lipstick. 

Forensic anthropology has been transformed by the adventures of the man who brought entomological analysis into the same field once occupied by Boston Blackie and Sam Spade.  At the University of Tennessee, for example, there is a "garden" where donated human corpses lie exposed awaiting periodic analysis by forensic scientists-to-be.  The capacity does exist to scientifically determine "time of death" by the presence, or absence, of certain flesh-eating nematodes and their ilk.  Allowing the corpse to remain exposed to the weather also provides input to the scientist, as well as a certain pungency.  In any event, the number of enrollees in this specialized field of study has mushroomed (pun intended) since "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" brought slinky and sexy to bug would-be bad guys.

On the other hand, a somewhat uninspirational, if not ghoulish, character will smirk his final smirk for Frodo's bedevilment this evening.  Although Frodo suspects that the moronic performance at his final press conference will be surpassed in a few short seconds "en camera," Frodo would rather look for white flies on the body of an actor holding his breath.

How quixotic, don't you think, that an actor can inspire a generation of young people to seek a profession that is part science, part adventure, and all public service.  At the same time, someone who is elected President of the United States twice leaves office without the admiration or even high regard of almost anyone. 

Shoot, even today's kids can tell the difference between good acting and bad behavior.  Frodo still thinks the old man's condom broke. 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:11 PM EST
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Monday, January 12, 2009
Try, Try, Try To Understand, I'm a Magic Man
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: "Mental Healthcare" (4)

Frodo is going to break a promise.  He will absolutely do his best to never again break the pledge that he made, but, in this instance, he is totally unable to control himself.  The man who serves for seven more days as President of the United States is a lunatic.

Torture is not acceptable.  Failing to immediately muster all available military resources to effect civilian rescue efforts after Hurricane Katrina was incompetent.  Enacting a pre-emptive assault against a sovereign state is what the Japanese did, it is not what Americans ever do.  Consciously extending Presidential authority to conflict with the Constitution of the United States is an impeachable act.  Sending troops into combat with inadequate equipment, or treating their wounds in unsanitary conditions, gives the people the right to "alter or abolish" the government. 

If not Chuck Todd, then why didn't Helen Thomas step forward and just push that nut case away from the podium?  How did anyone remain silent when the Incomparable Moron alleged that we had "52 months of job growth" between the recessions?  Couldn't anyone muster enough self-righteous anger to simply yell at the cowboy asking "If Saddam had any WMD, then why didn't he use them against our troops on the very first day of the attack, when his whole regime was about to fall around him?"

It was for these reasons that Frodo stepped forward to stand against Sauron.  He felt alone on that day, and not until the Fellowship was complete could he engage in his effort to destroy the Ring.  He feels much the same now; angry, despondent, that a land so blessed, so very noble, could have tolerated such a buffoon for so long.

We owe the world a Coke, and their forgiveness.

 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EST
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Saturday, January 10, 2009
Take a Trip With Me, Down The Mississippi Down to New Orleans
Mood:  rushed
Topic: "Joad Jobs" (4)

Frodo took note of the banner above the web page, it said, simply, "15,000 jobs available right now", and the second line said "Baton Rouge."  Perhaps, thought Frodo, the real revival of the City of Orleans is at hand, and all it took was a Depression-style economy to make people abandon their homes and head out to greener pastures, again.  This time, instead of heading West, they may head South, and instead of picking fruit, they may be building houses.  The motorcars may be a little more modern, and the highways more accessible, but the stories will be much the same.

Frodo Joad may have just returned from his third tour in Iraq.  His wife, his mother, their two daughters, the turtle and the three dogs all piled into a 1993 Chevy Mini-van.  They leave their house near Stillwater behind, to the bank, and they search for the quickest route to the promise of tomorrow.  There are no jobs to the North, and they find the road clogged with license plates from rust-colored states that seem to extend all the way to Canada, and beyond.

There is only enough money to last for a few months, and tax breaks aren't going to offer much to a guy who wakes up at night, often in a cold sweat, calling names unfamiliar to anyone in his current entourage.  Loud noises frighten the dogs, and Frodo Joad.  But there is warming weather on the horizon, and everywhere they stop, people talk about the good food, the nice people, and the jobs, all of which lie before them.

Every night, someone seems to have a black-and-white tuned to a news broadcast, and they see him, talking about hope, and working together, and the fact that our greatest fears are our own.  They hold hands, some pray, but most just want to share as mammalians have done for thousands of years, under similar circumstances.  They go on, because they cannot go back.

The bridges are all re-built, but much remains to be re-constituted, and as they cross into the City of Orleans, the path should be wide and free to the opportunities which brought them to the Parish border.  What, dear reader, do we do, if the sign says "Okies, Go Home"?

   


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:29 PM EST
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Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I Felt So Happy I Almost Cried, And Then He Kissed Me
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: "Chutzpah Hooters" (4)

The gentleman, seated in a wheelchair, accompanied by a fellow entrepreneur, greeted his audience and said into the microphone "It is time for Congress to rejuvenate America."  Frodo looked up, in partial recognition of the gravelly-voiced speaker, and in order to take note of what was being broadcast on his black-and-white.  As the story line unfolded, Frodo's interest in any indication of activity toward economic recovery was readily apparent, but there was also a sparkle in the corner of his eye.

The speaker, and former resident of Gwinnett County, Georgia (frequent readers will remember the "Runaway Bride," 'the Barbie Bandits," and other evidences of sub-human behavior in this locale) was making a televised appeal for government assistance to an economically-depressed segment of American industry.  With rapier precision, he was advocating the committment of $5Billion to provide a stimulus to "the adult entertainment industry."  The speakers' name was Larry Flynt.  The former publisher of "Hustler" magazine was accompanied by the President and CEO of "Girls Gone Wild," the artful presenter of boobs from Bourbon Street to Panama City.  Frodo was entranced.

It is sometimes difficult, according to Frodo, to separate legitimate opinion from satire.  A businessman who was permanently paralyzed by a failed assassination attempt would seem to be a logical advocate for an industry which attracted the venemous effort on his life.  Remembering also, thought Frodo, that Flynt offered a $1Million reward for information to anyone who could provide definitive evidence of sexual misconduct by the inquisitors of William Jefferson Clinton.  The reward was claimed by the ex-wife (one of) Bob Barr (R-GA) who was then serving as one of the main accusators, who subsequently ran for the Presidency himself, as a "Libertarian" no less. 

Frodo is no fan of either Larry Flynt or Bob Barr.  Frodo is an adult who enjoys entertainment however.  Therein lies the conundrum. 

Although it is highly likely that Mr. Flynt revels in a periodic attempt at fifteen minutes or so of fame from time-to-time, Frodo also notes the public service that such satire offers to the citizenry of Middle Earth.  It gets us all thinking about stimulus, economic or otherwise. 

Didn't Lynda Lovelace hail from somewhere around Tupelo? 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:58 PM EST
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Monday, January 5, 2009
Hollywood Could Offer More, So She Left The Boy next Door
Mood:  sharp
Topic: "Down Below Back Home"(4)

Several days ago an earthen dam broke in Tennessee, spilling tons of coal sludge into the free-flowing nearby waterways.  The resultant environmental impact appeared horrific, but that was quickly minimized by any and all public comment from the responsible government agencies.  Frodo snorkled over the denials, knowing full well that, over time, it would be found that chemical imbalances in the watershed would come to light.  What caught his attention in this instance was the location, variously reported as either Kingston or Harriman.  Frodo doesn't know anybody, as best he now knows, who lives in Kingston, but he does have a friend with roots in Harriman.

Frodo's friend attended the College of the Shire with Frodo.  Upon graduation, he became a minister, and is now actively retired.  Frodo has always felt a bit guilty about his friend's chosen profession, fearing that his friend turned to the task of salvation because of his association with the youthful and unrestrained Frodo Baggins.  Frodo has been assured that is only partly correct.

Frodo spoke with his friend this day to inquire about the status of his old homestead.  Frodo learned that the property damage all took place "down below" his friend's farm.  Frodo puzzled over that response, pointing out that if the damage had taken place "up above," then the farm would either be entirely submerged or could be otherwise taken as a symbol of heavenly retribution upon the earthly tenants. 

Frodo was assured that the damage had actually taken place outside of Harriman, and that the "city" was named in the news reports just so that the "media" could accentuate the relevance of the story.  It seems that the actual events all took place in the suburbs.

Now Frodo understands much of the public concern about the nature of news reporting, and how some people feel that whatever the media says is eternally biased.  Frodo's friend was asserting however, that the media referred to Harriman simply because it gave greater depth to the human interest of the story, than to accuracy.  Frodo supposes his friend would've preferred to hear the location described as rural eastern Tennessee.  To wit, uttered Frodo, "Balderdash!"

Among the reasons that Frodo never pursued a career in journalism, beside a tendency to use language which brought a flush to the countenance, was the specificity he chose in descriptive matters.  In this case, Frodo could have reported that "15 houses were washed downstream but nothing of value was destroyed."  More likely, his friend pointed out, Frodo would have written that the loss of "the Sarah Palin Trailer Park" would temporarily improve SAT scores in the local high school.  Frodo, it seems, would indeed have been a member of the "liberal media."

He supposes that it is truly a good thing that he did not choose to follow his friend into the ministry.  God only knows, and that is the reason why.

 

 

 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:14 PM EST
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Saturday, January 3, 2009
Suspicion Torments My Heart
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: "Two Steps Back" (4)

Hobbits are not immune to human stupidity.  Despite the best of intentions, and purity of heart, a Hobbit may say something inappropriate, even when he knows better.  Afterward, while amidst the miracle of self-butt kicking, the Hobbit can be grateful only for the fact that his poor choice of words did not come from one who was a candidate for political office.  The feeling lives long thereafter however that he was the victim of a broader conspiracy.

Bilbo approaches the 91st year, and it is evident that the Ring still weighs heavily on the mind of Bilbo.  Winning an argument seems to be much more important than coming to terms with the end of life.  Perhaps it is fear, perhaps not, but Bilbo seems intent on soiling all others even when no purpose is served.  It is as if there is one final attempt to attain redemption by casting aspersions on all others.  The anger is not only uncharacteristic of Bilbo, it is demeaning to the legacy of one to whom Frodo owes so much.

The Ring also has an impact on Frodo.  Defending those under assault by Bilbo causes Bilbo to feel that Frodo is being disloyal, or a participant in treachery.  Frodo then finds himself striking at Bilbo, pointing out the error in the words of Bilbo, striving only to bring an end to harsh words and speculative conclusions.  Silence would certainly have been a wiser choice, but the pull of the Ring is why Sauron lives even in the hearts of men of goodwill, and, sad to say, in the Hobbit.

Soon it must be that Frodo will stand on a hillside, in order to wish Bilbo safe passage to a land beyond the Shire.  Apologize he will to all others in order to wipe the presence of the Ring from the memory of those who stand with him on that day.  Fear he has that his words will be heard only in the wind, and that which Antony lamented about Caesar will be proven true, once more.  Sadly, Frodo knows that day will begin with a scarlet sky, and ships will be strewn all about.  Frodo will try to be a good steward, but he cannot help but rue the part he must play.  

Defeating the Ring is much, much more than simply getting rid of a king without clothes.   

 

 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:58 PM EST
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Friday, January 2, 2009
Clowns To The Left Of Me, Jokers To The Right
Mood:  amorous
Topic: "Transparency" (4)

Frodo seems to be thinking a lot about words these days.  "Transparency" is one that he must admit he had never considered in its' most recent context.  Before, transparency had an application to vision through packaging of some sort, and was therefore not a relevant point of discussion for anyone save some optical techie.  Times, however, have indeed changed.

Charles Barkley attended Auburn University on a basketball scholarship, and gained fame as the "Round Mound of Rebound."  A full-scale analysis of Frodo's memory bank at that time would respond favorably to the keywords, "overweight," "mutant," "dumb," "jock," "Alabama," and "black."  A Google search would today reveal that Barkley went on to the National Basketball Association (that paragon of learned scholars) and became a multi-millionaire retiree who spread his verbosity throughout the land as a broadcaster.

Barkley, to say the very least, has become quite the center of controversy.  Known throughout as someone who said exactly what he thought (the refreshing nature of which is dependent upon a certain level of subjective knowledge), Frodo took note of Barkley's willingness to make people angry.  His criticism of under-achieving athletes and coaches was not mind-altering, but Barkley did strike a receptive cord when he began to express political opinion.

Charles Barkley announced that he was a Republican, and that he had disdain for those who did not share his belief in the value of hard work.  Coming from a multi-millionaire who owed his fortune to a child's game, that was a tad bit more hypocrisy than Frodo could stand.  What was really interesting however, were his tittering references to being able to do better than the current leadership in the political realm.

Last week, Barkley announced to Campbell Brown (since nobody watches that show) and the wire services that he was going to return to his home State of Alabama and run for Governor in 2014 (state law requires 5 years of legal residence for eligibility).  His timing might have been a little better.

On New Year's Eve the announcements began to accumulate as "Breaking News" on all the cable channels (Frodo is unable to comment on the reporting by Faux News).  The Governor-to-be, it seemed, had been arrested and charged with DUI in his current home State of Arizona (home to John McCain, among others).  With the latest reports it was disclosed that Barkley had another passenger in his motorcar when arrested (not his wife, it was added).  When asked if he had been drinking, he responded as we have come to expect, honestly, forthrightly.  When asked why he was driving so erratically, Barkley again responded without equivocation.

It seems that about a week ago Mr. Barkley had had an encounter with that same passenger in his motorcar, and had been given the best (for the record, and reflecting good taste, the terms "oral sex" were substituted by the reporting institutions) he had ever had.  He was driving erratically because he was in a hurry to pull off the road and to once again suffer the same experience.

Although he finds the results somewhat amusing, Frodo prefers to return to his prior understanding of "transparency," and to hope that neither Henry Paulson nor Ben Bernanke are performing a similar act upon our collective organs.   As for Mr. Barkley, Frodo would pay real money to be an observer of the 2014 gubernatorial contest in Alabama.

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:46 PM EST
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Thursday, January 1, 2009
Memories And Elephants Are Playin' In The Band
Mood:  chatty
Topic: "The Good Book" (4)

Arrogance is omnipresent, and even the smallest and the weakest must recognize its' individual tendencies.  Frodo cannot understand why anyone would ever be less than enthusiastic about a movie, a song, or a book that he happens to add to his favorites list.  What's more, Frodo can grow cross with someone who does not pay proper homage to something he recommends.  Frodo believes that such people are either (1) Republicans, (2) Dallas Cowboy fans, (3) Terrorists,  (4) barristers, or any combination thereof.  The fact that such a person may also own or possess a "blackberry," an "I-Pod," or a telephone that transmits photographs of approaching tornados means that Frodo is not as tolerant of others as he would like to think.

This diatribe is leading Frodo to the conclusion that he should actually consider a few resolutions for the New Year.  Added in is Frodo's reaction to the picture of President-elect Obama on vacation in Hawaii, demonstrating some pretty solid "abs."  Frodo had abs once, and he'd like to think that he isn't so far removed from that stage of physical presence that he couldn't re-discover their existence.  This identifies another character flaw in the Hobbit, that which we call "wishful thinking."  Biblical scholars might simply note that Frodo is an admitted sinner in this demonstration of coveting his neighbor's abs (how clever is the Hobbit, you ask?).

Absent the desire to introduce himself to equipment salvaged from Abu Ghraib and offered for sale on cable channels which seem to run all night and never offer programming, Frodo can be further identified as lacking in initiative.  This may actually be demonstrated in his preference for warmer climes, and thereby explain his increasing tendency to wander neither as far nor as fast as in his younger days.  He gets concerned when he finds himself involved in something that is merely transitionsal, with no true end in sight.  Mowing the lawn, raking leaves, washing the motorcar, are all tasks which seem only to breed rather than to conclude.  Frodo is very concerned about over-breeding.

In sum, Frodo can be arrogant, he can be contradictory, and he most certainly can be lazy.  His true concern is that he is closer to George W. Bush than he ever imagined.   

Frodo resolves to be better. 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:10 PM EST
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Wednesday, December 31, 2008
You Been So Good To Me, You Know You Make Me Wanna Shout
Mood:  irritated
Topic: "Two Thousand, Ate" (4)

There are but moments left until a cosmic rotation is completed by the spherical juxtaposition of planetary objects which occurs every 365.25 days, approximately.  Tina Fey might add, "And I can see Russia from my house." 

Obfuscation, to Frodo, is the word that best documents the systemic occurrences on the small blue planet in the year that is about to end.  Whether it be a failed President, or a failed campaign, there are those who refuse to recognize the loser's role.  Instead of muttering "Shut up and deal," they instruct us to wait two decades, or longer, in order to note properly the role that history will assign to the facts upon which they have already decided.  Time, they hope, will cloud the memory and "obfuscate" the facts.

The economy, whatever that word means, sucks.  The Chinese are not selling enough toy dolls whose heads fall off and also carry exorbitant amounts of lead paint in their construction.  The Saudis are shocked by the precipitous decline in oil prices, to equal a level more than double that when the Incomparable Moron first entered office.  Americans have had their credit cut off and are no longer able to support the expansion which fueled the somnambulism of the subject juxtaposition the past ten times it has occurred.  The resulting regulatory products will last until another libertarian steps forward and argues without history, in order to "obfuscate" the facts.

A war against terrorism, or stateless nihilists if the truth be known, continues, and continues, and continues.  The victory sought by those who never understood what the battle was all about in the first place, will be followed, in time, by the dissolution of order and the continuation of dogmatic civil struggle.  The colossal misjudgments and predispositions of foolish people will disappear from the vision of those who will pay an even greater price.  What happens then will "obfuscate" the balance of power that once isolated dictators and brigands from prominence anywhere in the world, instead of unifying them as viable opponents to world order.

Frodo enjoys walking in the winter woods with Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog.  The grand deciduous forests open themselves to full examination, as if they were the skirts of Marilyn, blown forever above her knees.  When he tires of searching for visual quarry, Frodo can discuss great philsophical questions, and cruel fate with his attentive companions.  Frodo and all his friends conclude that 2008 was the worst of times, despite a scattered victory or two upon the landscape, and that for a guiding word in the moments which swiftly approach, let it be, simply, Hope.   

    


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:05 PM EST
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