Mood:  accident prone

"Mr. President?"

"Yes, Special Advisor for Pre-Employment Vetting, Mr.  Frodo, what do you need?"

"I screwed up, Sir."

"In what way?"

"Sir, I was absolutely convinced that the former Democratic Leader of the United States Senate, a man with a thirty-year track record in public life, was an absolute 'slam-dunk' as our Secretary of Health & Human Services nominee.  I let you down.  I let the country down by not pursuing tax issues to the Nth degree.  I should have. . ."

"Mr. Frodo, we don't have time to look back and lament our mistakes.  We need to learn from them, to go on, and not to repeat them.  That includes you, as well as me."

"Thank you, Sir.  Do you have any thoughts for me as we begin considering other candidates?"

"Well, in the spirit of cooperation, why don't we continue to look across the aisle?  Bob Gates is terrific for the Defense Department, so why don't we look to the Secretary of Health & Human Services, at least on an interim basis, from the Bush 43 White House?"

"Okay.  Sir, I can't seem to recall who that was?"

"That's funny, neither can I?"

The President hits his Blackberry and texts Vice President Biden, "Joe, who was HHS Secretary under Bush?"

A courier brings a hand-written message to the President, "Mr. President, the guy's name escapes me.  It was a guy, wasn't it?"

"Oh this is ridiculous.  Somebody has to know. Can't we just GOOGLE something like 'Bush HHS Secretary'?"

"The computer system has crashed again, Mr. President."

"Again?"

"Mr. President, can't we just call the former President at his ranch?"

"What time is it?"

"Oh right, it's after 10, he's in bed for sure."

"Do ya think Laura would know?"

Silence.

"Where's Cheney?"

"Still at an undisclosed location we believe, Mr. President."

"Frodo, do you think Merry or Eowyn might know?  How about Annelle or Papamoka?  Sam?  Sam would know.  Sam knows everything."

"Mr. President, if any one of them knew, they have done everything since then in their power to forget."

"This is unbelievable.  Gone less than a month, and nobody can remember the name of a Cabinet Secretary responsible for everything from Social Security to Food Stamps."

"Uh, Mr. President?"

"What?"

"Food Stamps come under the Department of Agriculture."

"Is that right?"

"Just don't ask me to name him, either?" 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:05 PM EST

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Mood:  bright

Funny it is, thinks Frodo, how one thing sometimes leads to another.  Many moons ago, while watching an original telecast of the series "MASH," Frodo noted that all of the contingent in the 4077th was gathered together to watch an old movie, in black-and-white, called "My Darling Clementine."  The showing was interrupted time-and-again by the serious tasks at hand in the comedic series.  Frodo not only laughed, but he wondered about this, as one of those old movies that he had never seen.

You know how it is, dear reader, we all have some book that we have heard about all our lives, but never read.  We all have at least one movie we have never seen, and are almost ashamed to admit it.  To Frodo, Wyatt Earp had always been Hugh O'Brian "strong, courageous, and bold," and to entertain any pretender, even Henry Fonda, was almost a sacrilege.  Tonight, Frodo had an opportunity to right a wrong, and he took advantage of it.

Some time ago, while traveling with the Men of Gondor, Frodo had the good fortune to visit the house of one named Margaret Mitchell, the author of what is commonly regarded as the greatest American novel.  The docent informed Frodo that most scholars speculate that it was the real Doc Holliday of the Wyatt Earp sagas who was the inspiration for the character Rhett Butler.  Because Ms. Mitchell died, tragically, in a motorcar accident before truly divulging all of the facts, this has remained a speculative item in American literary circles.

In "My Darling Clementine," produced not long after "Gone With the Wind" was first aired, the character of Rhett Butler was portrayed by Victor Mature.  Clark Gable, of course, was the quintessential rogue from Charleston in the most famous of all American movies.  Frodo was struck by the similarity between the portrayals of Rhett Butler by Gable and Mature.  Not having seen "Clementine" before, because of his arrogance, Frodo was unaware of the mystery which both men brought to bear in the portrayal of Captain Butler.  Some good, Frodo supposes, can be said to come out of the Korean War, and Frodo's interest therein.

The movie may indeed be the best of the old westerns that did not include John Wayne.  There are sweeping panoramas, in black-and-white of course, and camera pull-backs which portend a disappearance of time and episode.  Despite the title, the musical score was almost in absentia however, leaving Frodo almost palatal as he swooned lest he be carried away in silence. 

Time well-spent, and now it is on to a book, which he will find in the library, unread, and perhaps it will divulge the secret of how Mr. Caulfield dealt with the issue of farting in church.  Once again, Frodo already had a character in mind, and did not feel it necessary to detract from his own self-image.  Be thankful dear reader, that Frodo selected the leadership of Lord Tolkien in these adventures, lest he close each presentation not giving a damn. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:41 PM EST

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Mood:  crushed out

Travel, to Frodo, is not only broadening, it is scintillating.  Witness his tale of his love affair with a land that knows its true beginnings.   It started on Frodo's very first jaunt across the waters, when his flight-time for a trans-Atlantic trek was a cumulative 17 hours, interrupted only by a single stop in Keflavik, Iceland.

The stewardesses, and there were quite a number of them, were stunning.  Unfortunately, Frodo couldn't tell one from another, since they were all blonde, shapely, and melted his hormones with piercing blue eyes.  Did Frodo mention that they were all shapely, and blonde?  Frodo didn't speak much Icelandic, but he was more than prepared to try a form of sign language.  There were lots of smiles, no takers, in that group.  "Alas," thought young Frodo, "the imagination supercedes reality, once again."

The two-hour lay-over in Keflavik was a great disappointment.  The barren landscape was exceeded only by the drab and lifeless airport waiting area.  Looking forward to a semester abroad, young Frodo promptly decided that Iceland did not match his needs, and that, most assuredly, would be satisfactorily dealt with by the more sophisticated charmers on the Continent itself.  He thought little more of Icelandic sagas.

Many years later, Sam had occasion to pass through Iceland, and returned to tell Frodo that much had changed.  Frodo reasonably concluded that Sam was lacking in "savoir faire," and had been taken in by the solitary aspects of a foreign land.  Sam, however, refused to concede, and insisted that on their next trip abroad, the travelers would spend a few days in Iceland.  Frodo did his best to plan an itinerary, but was limited to a few geysers, the supposed entrance in "The Journey to the Center of the Earth," and the Church where Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev met and discussed international relations.

Yawn.

The new and improved airport was full of young people, all of whom were blonde, and drinking, heavily.  Frodo noted the presence of all the stewardesses he remembered from his previous sojourn, so many years before.  None had aged a day, and Frodo saw one that he recognized almost everywhere.  It was as if Frodo and Sam had ventured into a yuppie paradise, with attractive, and apparently prosperous young socialites everywhere.

The uppermost of their few days on Iceland included a visit to the Rift Valley which separates the tectonic plates between Europe and North America, and a night-time bathing in the "Blue Lagoon."  Frodo learned that the entire nation is powered by the geothermal processes of super-heated water drawn from the earth's core, circulated through pipes, and returned again to repeat the cycle.  The Blue Lagoon is the end point, where temperatures reach the low 90's all the time, amid the volcanic minerals present in the soil which make this the world's pre-eminent spa.  Since it was October, Frodo and Sam were barely able to see each other through the fog,  but the "Northern Lights" shone overhead as if presented for their personal enjoyment.

Frodo also learned that the Icelanders have the greatest genetic-tracking model in the world.  It seems almost everyone can trace their ancestry back until at least the eleventh century AD.  Many readers, familiar with the name Leif Ericsson, may not know that the last name is a direct reference to Leif's Old Man, named Eric.  Nearly everyone in the entire nation has either "son" or "dottir" (Frodo assumes that an explanation for this syllable is not necessary) as an ending in their name.

More time has passed, and change has again come to Iceland.  Frodo and Sam have noted, with sincere alarm, the tragic impact of the worldwide economic collapse on the tiny nation that invested so heavily in "collateralized mortgage-backed securities."  The government has fallen, and the struggling Icelanders have accomplished something unique in their quest for a restorative future.  They elected an openly gay female prime minister.

To satisfy those currently wondering why Frodo has gone to such great lengths to describe this history-making event, readers should note a few facts about Johanna Sigurdardottir.  She is 66 years old, and is a former flight attendant for Icelandic Airways.

Did Frodo mention that she was shapely, and blonde? 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:20 PM EST

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Mood:  down

During the recent millennium, which in reality only lasted eight years, Frodo grew very weary of the assertions that it was the responsibility of government to defend the people, as if government carried no other function at all.  Frodo often averred that it was the responsibility of government to make sure that no American froze to death, or starved, in the dark.  Frodo believed that this was truly something with which all Americans agreed, but that only liberals could put into words.  Many Republicans, it seems, get very righteous, if not downright indignant, when forced to support a fellow countryman in any situation which cannot be otherwise classified as purely gratuitous.  The concept of welfare is cast upon their souls, and they retch.

Mr. Marvin E. Schur, of Bay City, Michigan, froze to death inside his home earlier this week.  Mr. Schur, a widower, had no children, and he was, until yesterday, 93 years old.  Mr. Schur, it seems, owed Bay City Electric Light & Power more than $1,000 in unpaid bills.  The Bay City Manager, Robert Belleman, said that a city utility worker had installed a "limiter" device to restrict the use of electricity at Mr. Schur's residence.  Such a device, it seems, blows out, like a fuse, if "consumption" rises above a certain level.  There is no indication that anyone explained the device, or how it operated, to Mr. Schur.

Remember, for the love of Pete, we're talking about Michigan, in January.

A neighbor discovered Mr. Schur's body on Monday.  Beside the body were each of the delinquent notices; paper-clipped to each was cash sufficient enough to satisfy each and every notice.  Mr. Schur had voluntarily surrendered his drivers license several years ago.  His telephone, designed for those with normal hearing, was useless.

Robert Belleman, in response to a reporter's question, said that the city policies would be reviewed, but he did not feel that the city had done anything wrong.  "I've said this before and some of my colleagues have said this:  Neighbors need to keep an eye on neighbors," said Belleman.

Born during the First World War, Marvin Schur survived that War, and several more.  He lived through the greatest Depression, and he saw man land on the moon.  He was, unfortunately, not able to survive the installation of a "limiter."  Timely payment did him in.  Poor, silly, old man.

Mr. Belleman, respectfully, you suck!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:00 PM EST

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Mood:  hug me

Weekends in the Shire are often filled by ritual.  In modern times, that has included a game of soccer, followed by a game of tennis ball and, shortly thereafter, a walkabout.  Mick, the Wonder Dog, and Fiona ("the most beautiful girl in the world") participate with ageless Frodo, if, indeed, participate is the proper word.  There is an anxiety in brown-eyed creatures in early morn, and an expectation of ritual observance despite the clime.  That is why a Hobbit and two canine companions played in the rain this day.

Frodo knows that days such as these, despite the inconvenience of mud and wet, are to be savored.  There is gray about the muzzle of Mick, the Wonder Dog, and Princess Fiona limps noticeably, a fact which even a strong heart cannot hide.  In days past it was Lucky, Snooze, Sig, Prissy, Lovey, Gumbo, and Georgia who alternately led, then followed, the Hobbit on his merry rounds.  Rocky and Punkin,' the feline predecessors to Beau Neau McKitty, and both Peeper and Sydney from the airways, have been significant contributors to adventure and heartbreak.  A "family reunion" is an event that will occur only when Frodo eventually enters the proper gate, and tosses tennis balls from every cloud.

Frodo and Sam have often discussed the existence of a "puppy angel,"  omnipresent, when needed.  The existence of which was something that Frodo mentioned in conversation in recent days.  A friend, who recently lost employment, told Frodo that the most difficult of adjustments is that which comes with having nothing to do at 6:00 AM.  Frodo immediately interjected that a daily duty of his in the subject time period is the approximate correlation of urination and the first entry by the Wonder Dog into the gardens of the Shire.  His friend laughed, then began to consider the deeper meaning of Frodo's comments.

Frodo and companions will soon pursue the walkabout for this day.  Despite his protestations to the contrary, Frodo knows that Mick, the Wonder Dog, will take note of every fresh pile of poop deposited within the distance of a leash for the next hour or so.  Fiona will observe Mick, the Wonder Dog's inattention at such moments, and will bark an alarm in order to elicit a feverish response.  Mick, the Wonder Dog, never seems to catch on, for it is his sworn duty to ever defend his smaller friend, and he reacts thusly.  The annoyances are part of the joy, and that is one of the reasons why the contingent seems to enjoy their time together.  At least that is what smiles and long tongues tell Frodo.

Mick, the Wonder Dog, is a working dog by definition.  One such as he requires physical activity each and every day, and to do less is cruel.  Frodo knew that going in, and he has never regretted one second of the commitment.  The activity is good for Frodo, and never leaves him with idle time on his hands, for Mick, the Wonder Dog, does not compute a maximum amount of activity, then call it a day.  He is always ready to go.

Frodo cannot help but think about what comes next.  Sasha and Melia are all agog over their first puppy, while Sam has been rather outspoken in the avoidance of the future demands that an untrained producer of waste products requires.  Frodo knows only that he will always need someone to talk to who is as impressed with his musings as well as with his blather.  Such a companion is, indeed, a wonder. 

All things considered, it is another good day in the Shire.        

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:08 PM EST

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Mood:  special

Listening to Etta James sing "At Last" puts the taste of branded whiskey on Frodo's lips.  Passersby to his motorcar must look askance as he rocks gently to the sensual interlude he enjoys with this virtual serenade on his radio.  It is one of those moments which change his entire mood, and which ease all of his troubles.  For something less than four minutes, he feels a feminine caress over his brow, and both body heat and curling smoke rings are recast.  Maybe not his favorite recording, but certainly very high on the list.

Last evening, as he considered the fact that soon his entries will carry the designation (5) and beyond, Frodo realized that the words before you, dear reader, are the first not inspired by the rule of Sauron.  Watching the replacement enter to the presence of adoring participants at the "Neighbors Ball," he was stirred by the champagne presence of a gowned beauty who caught the magic of Etta James.  The rendition of "At Last," dedicated to President Barack Obama by Beyonce, while Obama shuffled alongside the graceful Michelle, will live with Frodo for the rest of his days.  It was a stirring audio and visual decoupage which can only be compared to sugar plum fairies and Russian composers.  This is an extremely gifted, much less inspired, artist.  For that fact, Frodo will excuse her forays into exposed hip-hop and the bump-and-grind of canine behavior.  

It is fitting that Frodo begin the post-Sauron adventure with reference to that which is the art of his time.  The music we make, dear reader, lets us paint pictures which befit any gallery, and the young lady who surpassed perfection with her performance last evening is a masterpiece.     

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:57 PM EST

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Mood:  party time!

Not unlike much of America, Frodo was all geared up to watch the free concert at the Lincoln Memorial yesterday afternoon.  Bruce Springsteen still has greater appeal for the Hobbit than does Donovan McNabb or Larry Fitzgerald, so it is not hard to imagine his disappointment when the announcers on MSNBC informed him that the rights to the concert had been "sold," and that they would not be allowed to broadcast the performances.  Masking his disappointment with a little bit of ingenuity, since no one was willing to say to whom the broadcast rights had been "sold," he started pushing the remote.  Eventually, he found that HBO was simulcasting the rights they had purchased to each of the cable or satellite channels, and that Frodo therefore had access to the performances on his Direct TV 101 channel.  He did not think, until later, how disappointed so many others would be because they did not have such access.

The concert performances, interspersed with a speech by both the PEBO and the VPEJB, and selected readings by performers who, like Frodo, cannot carry a tune, were spectacular.  Only Elvis Presley, Rod Stewart, and the Rolling Stones in Concert have moved the Hobbit in ways that even compare to what was presented yesterday.  Garth Brooks created a moment which will live forever when he engaged tens of thousands in "Shout," and even "no Drama Obama" clapped and sang with a song made famous by his fellow Chicagoans, the Blues Brothers.  It was Beyonce who closed the world with her all-join-in rendition of "My Country 'Tis of Thee," that made Frodo remember that Martin Luther King, in that very spot, spake the same words in his "I Have a Dream" speech.  Once again, the orchestration of history and hope had been brought together in truly professional perspective.

Ah but, dear reader, nothing prepared the Hobbit for the "Boss" bringing 89-year-old Pete Seeger with him on stage.  Together they engaged the world with all six verses of "This Land Is Your Land," and even Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog, danced and sang with Frodo and Sam.  Recall that it was Seeger who introduced "We Shall Overcome," to Dr. King, and taught him the words to the hymn of the civil rights movement itself.  Seeger, the workers' friend, tried as a Communist in the days of McCarthy (the evil one), proved, once again, that patriots do come in all shapes and sizes.

Joy was all about until Frodo realized that the "free" concert would not be "free" for lots of people, and he was sorely disappointed.  It is something that needs to be shared.  Frodo knows that things like this cost lots of money, even when performers do so gratis.  It just doesn't seem right that it is always those with the least of means who miss the show.  HBO, he is sure, will broadcast the performances for many days, and, eventually, "sell" their rights to a broadcast network.  Admittedly, it will not be the same as the spoantaneity of the moment.  Warm up your popcorn poppers though dear reader, for Frodo will alert you when it does appear on the black-and-white, and remember to prepare for the conversion to digital from analog.  Failing that, even Frodo will have no clue.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 3:57 PM EST

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Mood:  a-ok

It was truly in black-and-white, and that is the way that Frodo will always remember the images.  Slowly, without fanfare, the people came to pay their respects, and to share their grief.  As the train pulled into the train station in Baltimore, they began to sing, acappella, the mournful tune that was the favorite of he whom they lamented.  It was a song that Andy Williams performed at the funeral, a song which he swore to sing no more after that day.  It was a song that Frodo will always associate with those people who shared his grief as that train passed slowly by.  Baltimore, and its' very special people, earned Frodo's respect, and his affection, that truly terrible day.

Yesterday, just over forty years later, another train moved slowly southward toward Baltimore.  Frodo's black-and-white has long ago been replaced by superior technology, but he expected the imagery to be just the same.  Instead, the networks chose not to dwell on the comparison in Frodo's mind, forgetting, if not unaware, just how emotional such a moment might be for those who suffered so greatly.  The moments in Baltimore on this day were to be for the hopeful, the dreamers, those who look forward.  They would not provide fresh moments for those who live in memory.

It is, muses Frodo, as the PEBO (President-Elect Barack Obama) has orchestrated or been orchestrated throughout his campaign.  It is not the time to dwell on that which is behind us, simply because the tasks ahead are so daunting.  He would argue that we should never forget that which joins us all, the common experience, but forgiveness and letting our grief take its proper place are what we must do.

The younger ones know that to be true.  So, too, do the ghosts that stood there, unseen, along those railroad tracks, singing.  Frodo has reason, once again, to appreciate, and to respect, the images of Baltimore.  The tears were fresh, and proud. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 4:49 AM EST

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Mood:  rushed

"Hold it right there.  Can I help you?"

"Sure General.  How're you?  We're the movers."

"The movers?  Buddy, this is a pick-up truck?  I suppose you have some identification and documentation?"

"Raht cheer General.  We're 'Hobbits And a Truck,' no job too big or too small."

"Hmm.  Wait right there while I check on this."

"Sure thing General.  And while you're at it, would you check and see if they're prepared to pay cash?"

"You expect to be paid in cash?"

"That's the deal General, plus ain't you seen what's goin' on?  Man, no one can take a check on any bank and feel good about it."

"Hah.  You're right on that one."

"Now don't take too long, we'd like to get on the road to Texas fore dark."

"Charlie, you're not gonna believe this.  These guys ARE the movers."

"Jes what I told ya General.  Now listen, y'all boys know of a liquor store around here somewhere?  We need to get a few boxes."

"Central Liquor is on 15th, just around the corner from the FBI.  You guys need boxes for packing?"

"Sure, that's one way to hold costs down for our customers.  What's the story here, this place gettin' foreclosed upon?"

"Well, you might say that."

"This place looks kinda familiar."

"This your first trip to Washington?"

"Never been here before.  Jes took this job so's we could come and visit our money."

"That's an old joke."

"We ain't spring chickens ourselves."

"Well, just pull over here to the right, circle around to the back, and the guards there will direct you to the exit right by the elevator.  Do not get out of your truck until they tell you to do so.  They will screen you through security and search your truck."

"Say what General?  Search our truck?  Nobody said nothin' bout searchin' no truck.  Shoot, there might be an old reefer or somethin' in the bed."

"How did you boys get this job in the first place?"

"Well, Tom Bombadil here worked it out with this ole gal he met up in Alaska."

"Yeah?"

"We were up there lookin' for work at a turkey processing plant, and Tom was havin' a beer outside this here trailer park, when this ole gal come up ta him and started puttin' moves on him.  Well, he told her he wasn't much interested since he was a little short of cash."

"Then what?"

"Well General, she told him she might be able to help him out in that regard.  Next thing we know, we're on our way to Washinton to pick up a load of furniture and to take it to Texas."

"Interesting."

"That ain't the half of it.  Ole Tom here, jes been sittin' and smilin' ever since.  Only thing he's said is that from now on we're to address him as 'Joe DaPlummer'."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 3:35 PM EST

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Mood:  party time!

Grissom is leaving the Las Vegas Crime Lab tonight.  Gruesome is giving his Farewell Address in front of family, friends, and household pets.  Neither one will be wearing lipstick. 

Forensic anthropology has been transformed by the adventures of the man who brought entomological analysis into the same field once occupied by Boston Blackie and Sam Spade.  At the University of Tennessee, for example, there is a "garden" where donated human corpses lie exposed awaiting periodic analysis by forensic scientists-to-be.  The capacity does exist to scientifically determine "time of death" by the presence, or absence, of certain flesh-eating nematodes and their ilk.  Allowing the corpse to remain exposed to the weather also provides input to the scientist, as well as a certain pungency.  In any event, the number of enrollees in this specialized field of study has mushroomed (pun intended) since "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" brought slinky and sexy to bug would-be bad guys.

On the other hand, a somewhat uninspirational, if not ghoulish, character will smirk his final smirk for Frodo's bedevilment this evening.  Although Frodo suspects that the moronic performance at his final press conference will be surpassed in a few short seconds "en camera," Frodo would rather look for white flies on the body of an actor holding his breath.

How quixotic, don't you think, that an actor can inspire a generation of young people to seek a profession that is part science, part adventure, and all public service.  At the same time, someone who is elected President of the United States twice leaves office without the admiration or even high regard of almost anyone. 

Shoot, even today's kids can tell the difference between good acting and bad behavior.  Frodo still thinks the old man's condom broke. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:11 PM EST

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