Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Sunday, May 1, 2005

Who Are You? Who? Who?
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Frist Friends"
Given the mystical incantations of Frodo's favorite Witch Doctor, Frist the Magnificent, it was not surprising to learn that the State of Tennessee has lifted the Medical License of Dr. Charles Harlan, the former State Medical Examiner. Now think about this, they lifted the Medical License of a guy who only works on dead bodies. Frodo was aghast thinking about what he must have been doing on those slabs in Nashville.

In truth, Harlan was charged with tampering with evidence, incompetence, and bizarre personal behavior (so far, it sounds a lot like George W. Bush to Frodo). Let's examine a few of these charges before rigor mortis sets in or before CSI comes on.

In 1999, Harlan responded to a request for a confirmation of death notice for a local bank by faxing a piece of paper with the message "M. L. is dead." When a follow-up request for additional data was received, the little kidder responded "M. L. is dead. She is green and has maggots crawling on her." From Frodo's perspective, the information is concise, albeit a bit graphic.

Again in 1999, James Suttle spent a night at the residence of his cousin Steve Hobbs. During the night, Hobbs staggered and fell backward onto a glass-top coffee table. Upon his dispatch to the scene, and before any autopsy, Harlan pronounced Mr Hobbs' death a homicide due to a "stab wound in the back." After five months in jail, Mr. Suttle was found Not Guilty because the defense was able to prove that a rib Hobbs broke in a fight about a week before his death had punctured a lung, causing internal bleeding and a subsequent seizure. Hey, we can't all be perfect, let's be friends, after all, just be glad the case didn't happen in Texas. Former Governor Bush would've fried that sucker.

Harlan's lawyer has argued that forensic pathologists as a group are "different" because they work odd hours and deal with human tragedy on a daily basis. From Frodo's recollection, such a grouping might also include firemen, social workers, grave diggers, bodyguards, dog catchers, actors, and the Senate Majority Leader, to name a few.

Harlan's lawyer also added that "These are not the kind of physicians who become family practitioners or millionaire specialists." It should be noted that there has been a marked increase in the numbers of people studying to become Medical Examiners. Frodo thought that that was because the CSI series of hit TV shows had glorified the job. Perhaps Mr. Harlan's lawyer is on to something after all. Tort reform, remember, means that punitive damages can not exceed $350,000 for a non-working spouse who dies because of negligence or incompetence. Frodo wonders if becoming a Medical Examiner under these circumstances may just be the most non-litigous liable profession in all of Middle Earth.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:08 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, May 10, 2005 8:09 PM EDT

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Saturday, April 30, 2005

I'm Gonna Walk You Home
Mood:

spacey
Topic: "Run Forrest, Run"
Frodo has long admired the sheer innocence of the character Forrest Gump. It takes a special person to remain oblivious, and therefore innocent, in all the world. It also takes a certain determination to reach a goal, then to start back and repeat the accomplishment. Innocent determination is what the Australians call, according to Crocodile Dundee, "walkabout."

Jennifer Wilbanks, a resident of Gwinnett County, Georgia has recently experienced "walkabout." Gwinnett County it must be understood is the homeland of reactionary American life. It is the locale where Larry Flynt, the porno publisher, was shot and paralyzed by a still unidentified critic. It is one of the fastest growing counties in America, drawing predominantly Northeasterners tired of high taxes, liberal politics, and "those people." Gwinnett County has also been the largest political unit in America without public transportation. After all, without "those people," nobody needs to ride a bus anyway. Gwinnett County has the longest commute time of any suburban American community, and it is more than 85% Republican.

Frodo passed through Gwinnett County once, but he did not stop.

Anyway, back to Jennifer, a young bride-to-be currently in residence with the young man she was scheduled to marry this very day. It was reported several days ago that Jennifer had not returned from a morning jog. Since more than 600 guests had been invited to the wedding, containing we're told 14 bridesmaids, the disappearance of the bride-to-be did seem noticeable.

The media onslaught began, complete with prayerful on-camera moments by anxious friends and relatives, and picture after picture of the wide-eyed bride-to-be. Dear reader, please note use of the term "wide-eyed." Frodo means to tell you that this lady has eyes the size of golf balls. She stares back from a picture as if she has recently consumed three kilos of crack and a pound of sugar.
Soon the story caught the national press, and people everywhere began to think "Laci Peterson."

Frodo, however, smelled a Forrest Gump. This wide-eyed little representative of the Future Junior Leaguers of Gwinnett County did not have the moral courage to face up to the challenges before her, so she went "walkabout." She caught a bus to Las Vegas, and then thought better of that and high-tailed it to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Somehow she found a telephone (she'd evidently left her cell in the SUV) outside a convenience store, and she called home.

Then, to cover her little heinie, this miscreant alleged that she had been kidnapped. Error,error, error, danger Will Robinson (as Robby the Robot would say), for that now brought the FBI into the picture. Within four hours she admitted to the Special Agents, who had failed to provide George W. Bush with sufficient intelligence (as if anybody could),that she had told a little fib. Now she is heading home to be reunited with her friends, family, and fiancee as the County Sheriff announces that charges will not be filed.

Whoa, big fella! What if little Jennie had been one of "those people" and she had cashed a Social Security check for which she was not entitled? Frodo knows that the good people of Gwinnett County would be making an example of someone who breaks the law and causes the unlawful and unnecessary expenditure of public funds. Jennifer? Oh no, she's a Christian, we'll just forget about the hours and hours of investigative work. She might miss her Sunday School Class.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:05 PM EDT

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Friday, April 29, 2005

Maybe We're Ragged and Funny
Mood:

vegas lucky
Topic: "Brother of the Ring"
Boromir and Frodo have known each other for more than 30 years. On the first day they called each other "Brother." Boromir was raised on a farm in Iowa, and it was always his dream to someday live that life again. His beef cattle farm lies just beyond the Shire in Rivendell. Not all his dreams have been achieved however, for the Viking Horde has never been more than Pretender for the Throne of Super Bowl.

Boromir has always shared Frodo's belief in Fellowship, and many hours have been spent reflecting on the price paid by those who sought to keep the Ring from Sauran. Some years ago, Boromir and the fair Galadriel journeyed to Eriador to holiday among the galleries and to walk the river known as Seine. Boromir enjoyed the Louvre for sure, but the train that ran to the Coast was too tempting for a Man of Gondor.

Frodo's friend entered the American Cemetery at Normandy, which stands above the beaches that hosted the massive invasion. "I walked among the stones in all their simple elegance, and the first one that caught my eye was a boy from Iowa," so said Frodo's friend. How striking that Frodo and Boromir would speak of one the age of our fathers as a "boy." How metaphysical a thought that that life had ended in youth as perhaps he were a son. How humbling the concept that in a prior existence, Frodo and Boromir may have fallen on that very plain.

A few days after the fighting ceased on those beaches, a correspondent from Indiana named Ernie Pyle wrote a dispatch about what he had seen. He wrote that amongst the refuse that cluttered his path he found a small Bible, and inside there was the name of an American soldier. Pyle carried the Bible with him as he walked for a half-mile or so. Then he stopped and laid the Bible back down in the sand. He wrote these words, "I don't know why I picked it up, and I don't know why I put it down."

Frodo has yet to walk that beach, in this life, but he shall. He will find the stone of that boy from Iowa. Frodo doesn't know why he feels that placing a small Bible at that spot is so important, but it is.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:58 PM EDT

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Thursday, April 28, 2005

Bird, Bird, Bird is the Word
Mood:

lucky
Topic: "Black Gold, Texas Tea"
The last documented sighting of an Ivory-Billed Woodpecker took place before Frodo was born (it also occurred before the end of his Mother's first trimester, but that is a subject for another time). Last year, after a reported sighting, a team of scientists took off for the Atchafalaya River Basin in Louisiana to verify the existence of a creature believed to be extinct. That unsuccessful expedition has been supplemented by the documented sighting last month in the Cache River Wilderness in Eastern Arkansas.

Frodo has often thought about hiding places. When he was in school, roads leading away from the Shire were designated as "emergency escape routes" in the event of an atomic bomb threat. Today, those same roads are parking lots from one end to the other, and the solutions of fifty years ago now fall to the new, improved Department of Homeland Security. The collective future is quite bleak, even with duct tape and cellophane. If Frodo were an Ivory-Billed Woodpecker, he could fly to some remote location in search of refuge, but where?

The Atchafalaya Basin of Louisiana was a logical choice, until Huey Long built elevated roadways, allowing Texans to escape their little bit of living Hell. They brought their guns, their gas-guzzlers, and their children without necks to every available spit of dry land. No Ivory-Billed Woodpecker in his right mind would tarry in that vicinity.

Eastern Arkansas was a logical choice, basically because nobody ever heard of the place until some "red state partisan" started complaining about skullduggery at something called "Whitewater." Soon the area slipped back into anonymity, and that allowed the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker to set up housekeeping and commencing a search for ants, caterpillars, and other Ivory-Billed Woodpeckers who would not offend the sanctity of Marriage.

There remains a concern, however, and it involves those morons from Texas. It seems we've developed a shortage of fossil fuels, and we haven't felt sufficient priority to develop replaceable alternatives. Nearly every Wildlife refuge within spitting distance apparently sits atop a geologically undisturbed quart of crude oil. Our gallant leader, who just happens to hail from Texas, doesn't seem worried about the threat to a bird of any kind.

"Bird? Boy, we got birds all over Texas. There's Lady Bird, and there's Lynda Bird, and all sorts of birds, and we've drilled all over the place, and they don't seem at all bothered by the oil rigs."

Sigh, life would've been so much better today if the Alamo had been in Vancouver. Bush would be President of Canada.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:52 PM EDT

Updated: Thursday, April 28, 2005 9:03 PM EDT

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Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Devil With a Blue Dress On
Mood:

suave
Topic: "QVC and Dorothy"
Not until Ted Turner colorized movies produced in black-and-white did Frodo have any concern about picture tint prior to Cinemascope. It would not take a rocket scientist to correctly assume that yellow was the dominant hue in the "yellow brick road" of THE WIZARD OF OZ. Frodo never really wondered about the color of Dorothy's hair, her dress, or even her eyes. Some things were simply subordinate to the story itself.

Judy Garland wore a plain "jumper" over a blouse, with socks and at least two pairs of shoes throughout the classic film. Ted Turner divulged the secret that the Depression-era dress was an off shade of blue, nearly gray. Frodo thought it was an inappropriate fashion statement, simply because the starkness of black-and-white better portrayed the bleak Kansas landscape.

Today the actual dress was put up for auction at Christie's. For all his wisdom and insight into humanity, it is quite clear that when it comes to fashion, Frodo don't know squat. Dear reader, take a guess at how much the winning bid was for this simple dress?

$252,000.

George W. Bush is the first American President to receive an annual salary greater than the sales price of Dorothy's dress. In Frodo's humble opinion, the dress is a better buy.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:27 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, April 27, 2005 8:31 PM EDT

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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The World is Full of Wondrous Things It's True
Mood:

cool
Topic: "A Code in My Node"
Sam is losing a battle in sinus cavities. Despite the deployment of sufficient chemical weaponry to have truly justified the Iraqi incursion, noble Sam is a Spartan at the Bridge of Thermopylae. The malaise which accompanies this plague gives Sam the appearance of Jimmy Carter, wrapped in a sweater in front of a fireplace, trying to reason with the unreasonable. There is no solution, seven percent or otherwise.

If George W. Bush really wanted to do something to establish his legacy, he would not be wasting his time trying to convince people that he has a better idea for Social Security. By the same token, he would scotch all discussion of another manned trip to some heavenly body. If he really had a clue, he would summon all his medical practitioners, including the magical Dr. Frist, and instruct them to cure the common cold.

Could you imagine the benefit to mankind, and to the restoration of American standing around the world? People might honestly forget about the incompetence, the negligence, the deception, the lawlessness, the arrogance, the stupidity, the malice, the mismanagement, the bigotry, the pain if he simply had the good sense to do something for everyone, not just for his own ego.

There are Hobbits who believe that the pharmaceutical companies have conspired with the Administration to prevent the implementation of this medical geophysical effort. The loss of income to these corporate entities would mean a significant reduction in their financial support as contributors. If that is true, then Sam may be in a terminal situation.

Imagine, if you will, that someday a social paleontoligist comes across documentary evidence in some forgotten floppy disks in the belly of the Archives, that every analgesic product developed after 1970 was structured to maintain nausea rather than end it. All of these decongestants and antihistamines were designed to continue suffering, not shorten it. Just imagine.

Wonder if anybody ever developed a hangover remedy in Crawford?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:44 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, April 27, 2005 8:03 PM EDT

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Sunday, April 24, 2005

The Green, Green Grass of Home
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Bush Press Conference"
While Frodo nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, and he heard the President ask, "Mr. Frodo, do you have a question?" There Frodo stood, with the Presidential seal directly in front of him, and a smirking monkey leering over the podium. On Frodo's chest there was a laminated picture ID that read, albeit upside down, "White House Press Corps." There were lights everywhere, and Frodo blinked wordlessly.

"Are we keeping you up Mr. Frodo?," wisecracked the humorless midget. With laughter behind and in front of him, Frodo set his jaw and asked, "Thank you Mr. President, I do have a question, and that question is just what part of 'Illegal Alien' is it that you do not seem to understand?"

He had not used that glare since the first debate with Al Gore. The room was silent as he stumbled for words. A hum arose from the area behind his neck where the radio receiver was attached. The strings attached to his hands and feet began to wiggle. Beads of sweat formed on his upper lip in a Nixonesque salute. Slowly he turned, step-by-step, until he confronted Frodo nose to nose, and said "Would you repeat the question?"

"Yes sir, I will be glad to. Just what part of the phrase 'Illegal Alien' do you not understand? For your benefit sir, let me just add that we are a nation of immigrants, and nearly all of our forefathers came to this country under the procedures of the time. They followed the law. Now, you sir, seem positioned to justify the existence of immigrants who failed to follow the procedures that currently exist. Isn't it your Constitutional obligation to ensure the domestic tranquility by enforcing the law? Isn't it your responsibility to recognize that that which is obtained illegally cannot be recognized as legal? Just what is it that makes you think that an 'Illegal Alien' is anything other than a subject for deportation?"

"Mr. President, let me follow up that question by stating that an effort to ease human suffering, and to provide opportunity to all the world's people is a great goal worthy of any 'Compassionate Conservative,' but how can you not enforce the law? Who died and made you Pope?"

Suddenly a raven landed on the microphone atop the podium with the Presidential Seal. He looked around the room, and in his best gullah accent said, "De Tar Baby, He say nuttin'."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 5:47 PM EDT

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Saturday, April 23, 2005

Busted Flat in Baton Rouge
Mood:

not sure
Topic: "You Take the High Road"
Frodo loves picking the NCAA Final Four almost as much as he enjoys charting the NFL Draft. Particularly on Draft Day, comparing his analysis of the gains made by teams he likes, and the mistakes made by those whom he abhors is a purely subjective use of hypocrisy. It doesn't hurt anyone, and it gives him the opportunity to communicate with brave Boromir, ever loyal to his Viking horde.

The first selectee this day was 20 years old. He is instantly endowed with assets that will exceed all that Frodo will earn in a lifetime. This young man may never accomplish anything, but he will never face financial hardship. In all likelihood, if not already (since he attended Utah), he will be a Republican. He will seek to minimize his tax liability, and he will have little experience with the struggles of life in modern-day America.

Nearly all of the selectees are black. Listening to the post-selection interviews, Frodo heard one young man use the phrase "y,know" more than twenty times in simply describing how he feels. There is a mindful parallel to the supporting cast of characters in "The Gladiator," starring Russell Crowe. Adored for their feats of skill, ridiculed for their social skills, the selectees this day differ from gladiators only in the specifics of objective. The gladiator fought to live, the selectees play football to make lots of money.

Frodo remembers a name from one such day as this a long time ago. Joe Romig was an offensive lineman at the University of Colorado, and he was, by all accounts, far superior in ability to anyone else in that genre. He was the second overall player drafted that particular year. Joe Romig never played a day of professional football, in fact he never signed a contract. Joe Romig, remembers Frodo, wanted, more than anything, to be a doctor. Joe Romig turned down the riches of the NFL to go to Medical School.

Frodo supposes that it would not be too terribly difficult to find out what has since happened to Joe Romig. However, it is an anonymity that Frodo feels deserves respect, for a lot of reasons.

Of one thing, dear reader, you can be sure, should Frodo someday cross paths with Dr. Romig, Frodo would stand and cheer.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:50 PM EDT

Updated: Friday, April 29, 2005 8:27 PM EDT

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Thursday, April 21, 2005

These Are the Good Old Days
Mood:

hug me
Topic: "Frodo visits Bilbo"
An event like the Birthday of Bilbo draws Hobbits from around the Shire, and Frodo and Sam were in attendance. Merry was not able to attend, but asked Frodo to spend some time with Bilbo to talk about times past. "Note Mr. Frodo that Bilbo was born sometime before, but almost exactly on the day that Franklin Roosevelt died. Enquire, if you will, of what Bilbo remembers of that day?"

Expecting a tearful epiphany, Frodo was struck by the way memories are recalled. "Ah yes Frodo, Bilbo remembers that day very well," and a smile crept across the face of Bilbo. "Remember that we did not have TV, and that the radio was always on so that we could keep up with all that was happening in the War. I was in the kitchen helping to prepare the evening meal in the house where I stayed with relatives. Your uncle, your aunt, and the dwarf Gimli were out in the garden, and I rushed to the door to tell them the terrible news of the death of the President. Just then your uncle snatched up the dwarf, and proceeded to spank him for misbehaving (Frodo believes that cousin Gimli was eating that which he had been instructed to pick)."

Aware of Frodo's expression, Bilbo smiled and said that "Gimli was always reminded of the fact that he cried harder and longer than anyone on the day that Roosevelt died."

Bilbo turned to Frodo and proceeded to talk about the day that John Kennedy was shot. Frodo sensed that the horror of that day was worse than that which was news on the radio. It was seen, and it came into the living room and it stayed there.

Frodo enjoyed the visit with Bilbo, but he is happiest to report that Rocky greeted us at the front door, and he was hungry.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:02 PM EDT

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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I Wouldn't Have Missed It For the World
Mood:

down
Topic: "The Italian Stallion"
There is something about new construction that attracts Frodo. It was a spring day, 21 years ago, when Frodo and his faithful canine companions, Prissy and Gumbo, went walking through a subdivision being built near the Shire. While watching workmen install a roof, we saw out of the corners of our collective eye a kitten rise over a dirt mound in stalk of we interlopers. While Prissy and Gumbo alerted the world to the threat, Frodo alerted the workmen to the precarious position of their cat. "He ain't ours Mister, he's been hanging around here for days, and we been feedin' him french fries." It should here be noted that Sam was out of town on business.

Prissy was clearly offended that Frodo would be carrying this mortal enemy and interrupting her walk. She liked it even less that Frodo then dared bring this creature into her house. Gumbo, on the other hand, thought this was kind of cool, at least, she must have thought, "I am no longer the smallest and the weakest."

The next morning, before Frodo traveled to Mount Doom, he constructed a makeshift litter box, au natural from the garden, and placed it and the kitten in a bathroom, with the door shut. Knowing that Sam would return before he would, he taped a message, "Open Door Slowly," on the door as he left for his daily tasks.

Frodo expected the telephone call. After explaining what exactly in the hell this was, he noted that Gumbo seemed to like the kitten. "I know," said Sam,"they are taking turns chasing each other from one end of the house to the other." After the long discourse about never having a cat, and not knowing how to take care of one, there was silence on the telephone. And so Rocky came to be a member of the pack and a resident of the Shire.

How strange that over the years, Rocky and Prissy became so close. The grief that struck him upon her death was both visible and moving. So very strange.

Now, more than two decades later, after outliving three dogs, one other cat, a cockatiel, and about $50 worth of freshwater fish, time is taking its' toll. A couple of months ago, Frodo spent two nights with Rocky when he drifted into an apparent lethargic end. Miraculously, Rocky raised himself off the canvas, and deemed the need to once again tangle with Apollo Creed.

Frodo and Sam must now travel to the far end of the Shire. Mick, Fiona, and Georgia are at Camp Kennel, where they salute the flag every morning, drink "bug juice," and add to Frodo's indebtedness. Sydney, the cockatiel and Rocky will be visited by "Miss Ellyn," every day. This time, "Miss Ellyn" has special instructions about what to do if the time comes and Frodo is not there. It would give Frodo great pain not to be in the eye of his friend when the light goes out.

One evening not long ago, Rocky crawled up onto Sam's lap, and that long and distinctive purr was heard around the Shire. Sam picked him up, and Sam looked into those magical eyes, and began to sing, "I wouldn't have missed it for the World. . ."

So very strange.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:34 PM EDT

Updated: Saturday, April 23, 2005 10:58 PM EDT

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