Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me
Mood:

suave
"It's Jim Beam or me," said Laura Bush to her husband. The ultimatum, according to the NATIONAL ENQUIRER, has been re-instated since the First Lady caught the President drinking the night the levees broke in New Orleans. The First Lady has subsequently vowed to travel with the President more often so she can keep an eye on him to prevent him from completely "falling off the wagon." Dr. Justin Frank, a Washington D.C. psychiatrist and author of "Bush on the Couch: Inside the Mind of the President," told the NATIONAL ENQUIRER "I do think that Bush is drinking again. Alcoholics who are not in any program, like the President, have a hard time when stress gets to be great. I think it's a concern that Bush disappears during times of stress. He spends so much time on his ranch. It's very frightening." Another source, not identified by the NATIONAL ENQUIRER is quoted as saying "I'm only surprised to hear he hadn't taken a shot sooner. Before Katrina, he was at his wit's end. I've known him for years. He's been a good ol' Texas boy forever. George had a drinking problem for years that most professionals would say needed therapy. He doesn't believe in it, he never got it. . .Everyone's drinking around him." Frodo has averred the continuation of drinking by the President ever since the "heart flutter" which caused him to collapse and darken his eye when he fell against a chair. It was reported at the time that the President had been in a room, all alone, watching football on TV, and eating pretzels when he fell. Frodo has never met anyone who was able to eat pretzels without something to wash them down with. The absence of any beverage being discussed was the giveaway. It should be noted, out of fairness, that the same issue of the NATIONAL ENQUIRER also carried articles entitled "Jen Falls for Brad Clone," "Britney Sells Baby for $6M," and "Kenny Chesney's Not Gay." At least none of the articles implied that Space Aliens had impregnated anyone, at least in this issue. Frodo attempted to contact the White House Press Secretary in order to seek his comment prior to posting, but not very hard. Frodo thinks that guy is a dweeb.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:31 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, September 28, 2005 9:47 PM EDT

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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes
Mood:

crushed out
Topic: "Little Sky"
Joe Montana was known as "Big Sky." Although he was neither Frodo's favorite player, nor even a member of a team he particularly liked, he did beat the Dallas Cowboys a lot, and that made him a good guy to Frodo. "Big Sky" must have been a big hero to a family named Mazurkiewicz.

Montana Mazurkiewicz was born in 1995. 10 years later he was dying with an inoperable brain tumor. "Little Sky" had a wish that was somehow transmitted to Charlie Weis, Head Football Coach at Notre Dame University. Notre Dame, the alma mater of Joe Montana, should let "Little Sky" call the opening play of the game against the University of Washington. Even though Notre Dame's first play began on its' own one-yard line after a fumble recovery, Coach Weis agreed to use the play "pass right" as called by "Little Sky."

The play gained 13 yards.

"Little Sky" passed away the night before the game.

There is a place for guys like Charlie Weis, who smiled noticeably on the sideline. Frodo notes that Notre Dame University has never been a favorite of Southern powerhouse football schools. Notre Dame recruited Southern black athletes while the Southern powerhouses stayed lily-white. Notre Dame regularly kicked their butts.

Frodo always roots for the best academic school. This year, he will "cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame, she'll never stumble, she'll never fall, all her royal sons are marching onward to victory."
It will be interesting to see how often they run the play "pass right."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:54 PM EDT

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Friday, September 23, 2005

Sitting by the Side of the Road in the Middle of Nowhere
Mood:

irritated
Topic: "Six Days on the Road"
9/22. On September 22nd, 2005, along Interstate 45 in the State of Texas, Republic of Mexico (ed. note, Frodo refuses to recognize the Peace Treaty by which Texas allegedly became US property), the biggest traffic jam in world history took place. Stretching approximately 100 miles from the greater Houston area toward the nothingness of Central Texas was the Evacuation Plan of the crack Governor of Texas, Trooper Rick Perry.

With Hurricane Rita approaching as a Category 5 Storm, Texas State officials enacted their natural disaster evacuation plans, and promptly stranded thousands of citizens directly in the path of danger. Given the daytime temperatures in the 100 degree realm, and the absence of gasoline re-fueling capacity, cars overheated, ran out of gas, and traffic was further estopped.

Governor Perry commented that he thought the evacuation was "proceeding successfully." Shortly thereafter a bus overheated, burst into flames, and exploded. 24 elderly passengers in the bus were burned to death.

Frodo notes that subsequent to the 9/11 debacle, the Exalted Grand Poobah of Domestic Reform found reason to create the Office of Homeland Obscurity. By fusing a myriad of independent, and often unrelated, agencies together he created a bureaucracy even greater than the State of Texas (in the Republic of Mexico). Among the agencies lumped together in the fight against terrorism were those charged with prosecuting counterfeiters, those responsible for providing small business loans to businesses victimized in areas of volcanic activity, and those charged with the agricultural inspection of bananas. It is, of course, the Department of Homeland Obscurity which bears responsibility for the Federal Government's planning and implementation of public safety and evacuation procedures during national emergencies.

Frodo is pleased to report that the Office of Homeland Obscurity has prevented the illegal importation of any spoiled bananas into the areas ravaged by Hurricane Katrina.

Employees of the Office of Homeland Obscurity do not have the same rights as all other employees of the Federal Government. The argument was made that these typists and clerks were critical to the safety of our nation, and therefore should not have the right to organize as a union. Lumping so many employees into the cornucopia agency guaranteed the weakening of the labor movement among federal employees.

Frodo asks his readers to take out a piece of paper, number from one to ten, and list all of the positive accomplishments of the Department of Homeland Obscurity which come to mind. You have fifteen minutes.

Give up? Please note that if you have more than five entries on the page you qualify for the "Les Nessman Silver Sow Award." Your trophy will be presented at the White House. Karl Rove will kiss you on the lips.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:41 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, September 27, 2005 8:56 PM EDT

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Thursday, September 22, 2005

In a Lonely Shack by a Railroad Track, He Spent His Younger Days
Mood:

sharp
Topic: "Soldier of the King"
Frodo cannot imagine a greater honor than to see yourself portrayed on the silver screen by Sir Laurence Olivier. In the movie "The Boys From Brazil," Gregory Peck played Dr. Josef Mengele, who had escaped post-war justice to South America where he attempted to implement the genetic re-birth of Adolf Hitler. Olivier played a character very much like Simon Wiesenthal who desperately pursued evil around the world, and brought the frightening project to an apparent end. Simon Weisenthal deserved the admiration of free men everywhere. He saw evil and he tried to stop it.

Simon Weisenthal passed from this world this past week. The world he left behind is better than the one he knew, and this world is better for his having been a part of it.

Many believe that Frodo was created to represent that which can be accomplished even by the smallest and the weakest. Simon Wiesenthal was proof.

Dear reader, remember how the movie ends. The struggle against darkness is never finished.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:07 PM EDT

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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I'm Back in The Saddle Again
Mood:

accident prone
Topic: "Popeil Veg-o-matic"
There are names burned into the collective memory of Middle Earth. Names which instantly recall moments which seemingly made time stand still. John Wayne Gacy, Lee Harvey Oswald, Sirhan Bishara Sirhan, and Osama bin Laden are the purest of examples. Frodo, however, has a different tack for you dear reader, so please consider the following name.

John Wayne Bobbitt.

12 years ago his then-wife, Lorena, cut off his penis after an argument. His member was surgically re-attached but the marriage revealed "irreconcilable differences," and was dissolved. Lorena argued that John Wayne had abused her, and she was absolved of any blame by reason of insanity.

Frodo regrets to report that John Wayne has arisen once more, and that the pun is obviously intentional. John Wayne filed for divorce this past week from his second wife, Joanna Ferrell, following his arrest on a domestic battery charge filed by Joanna. He posted a $10,132 bond and was freed from a Las Vegas jail. It was at least the third arrest for John Wayne involving Joanna. The argument this time, it seems, was about money.

Frodo would like to re-kindle his earlier posting as Judge Frodo, if but for a single case on a single day.

"Your Honor, I am Barry Levinson, and I represent Mr. John Wayne Ferrell in this proceeding."
"Ferrell? I thought the plaintiff was named Bobbitt?"
"John Wayne Bobbitt, Sir, took the name of his wife Johanna Ferrell for discretion sake upon their marriage."
"I see. So is he going to keep the name Ferrell, even if the marriage is dissolved in this courtroom ?"
"That has not yet been determined Your Honor."
"Well, no matter I guess, but don't I note a rather consistent pattern of behavior on the part of Mr. Bobbitt/Ferrell?"
"What do you mean Your Honor?"
"Well, for one thing, his first wife accused him of physical abuse, and now his second wife has accused him of similar behavior on at least three occasions. Don't you think that is at least a little odd?"
"We feel that there are extenuating circumstances."
"Oh, and what pray tell?"
"The Plaintiff has suffered grievous physical discomfort which has resulted in uncharacteristic behavior."
"Are you trying to tell this Court that his abusive behavior relates to the fact that his first wife cut his Willy off?"
"In so many words, Yes Your Honor."
"Are you further alleging that said Willy was dismembered because she was crazy?"
"That is what a previous Court did rule Your Honor."
"The fact then remains that Ms. Ferrell did not slice the Willy if you will, ergo she must be sane. Would you agree with that Counselor?"
"Well Yes, I suppose so, Your Honor."
"On what grounds then, if I may be so bold, is the Plaintiff seeking dissolution of the marriage?"
"Well, er, my Client alleges that Ms. Ferrell was frivolous with joint assets."
"She spent all his money?"
"Yes, Your Honor."
"What does Mr. Bobbitt/Ferrell do? What is the source of his income?"
"He sells kitchen utensils."
"Not knives, I trust?"
"Well, actually, he does sell knives, autographed."
"Autographed? By Whom?"
"John Wayne Bobbitt."

"The Court will take a brief recess."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:29 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, September 21, 2005 11:35 PM EDT

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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

His Fast Gun for Hire, He's The Calling Wind
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Weather Channel Follies"
"Thank you Bob, this is Frodo reporting from the Heartland of America as Hurricane Rita moves inland from the Texas Coast. Whoa, that gust of wind almost got me, and it would have had it not been for this Humvee to my left."
"What's that, Bob? The howling wind sounds like a dozen freight trains, or is that the fleet of Huey Helicopters circling overhead? I can't see very well because of the Amphibious Vehicles lined up alongside the road to my right."
"Yes Bob, as far as we can determine all the residents of Crawford have already been evacuated and are being temporarily housed at the Ritz-Carlton on Maui."
"It appears that the damage could be quite extensive in this part of Texas. We tested it by spitting up into the air, and that booger blew clear up to Arkansas before it hit anything."
"Yes, that is true, the President did order the evacuation, with the agreement of his good friend and successor as Governor, Rick Perry. The President also recalled the 482nd from Iraq, mobilized the 82nd Airborne, and deployed the entire Third Army right outside the Rangers Ballpark in Arlington."
"The Director of FEMA, the Secretary of Homeland Security, Jerry Jones of the Dallas Cowboys, and the CEO of Home Depot, Bob Nardelli, are here wiping the noses of every cow that has gotten wet from the rain."
"It is clear to this reporter that the President is conscious of how important it is for him to appear strong and in command during this natural disaster. Here is what he said during his Address to the Nation just before we came on the air."

"My fellow Americans, I come before you with a heavy heart. Your President is not a crook. Our long national nightmare is over. There is a malaise in America. Tear down that wall. Read my lips. I did not have sex with that woman. That is hard work."

"You have another question Bob? Yes, there were a number of minorities air-lifted out. Why I'm sure that nearly everyone of the domestics and the farmhands at the President's ranch were evacuated, and all of them were either African-American or Hispanic. In fact, I saw the Secretary of State holding an umbrella for Mrs. Bush as she boarded Air Force One."
"That's all from here, Frodo reporting for the Weather Channel in Crawford, Texas."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:23 PM EDT

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Monday, September 19, 2005

Fee, Fie, Foe, Fana, Me, My, Moe, Manna
Mood:

chatty
Topic: "Philadelphia Bunnyface?"
Frodo has always been sensitive to the names of young children. Brandi is a great name for a cocker spaniel or a small child to his way of thinking, but the prospect of referring to his great-grandmother as "Grandma Brandi" is, at best, a daunting proposition. The problem is that this is not a recent occurrence, nor does it reflect, as some would argue, upon certain ethnic groups.

The Cornwall County Record Office in Britain has recently compiled a list of more than 1,000 unusual names dating back to the 16th century. Rene Jackaman, Archive Assistant, included "Boadicea Basher," "Edward Evil," "Charity Chilly," and "Obedience Ginger" alongside the titular name of "Philadelphia Bunnyface." Frodo Baggins is strange enough, he admits, however the surname "Bunnyface" has eluded Frodo throughout his extended existence.

Married couples identified by Ms/Mr Jackaman included "Nicholas Bone and Priscilla Skin," "Charles Swine and Jane Ham," and "Richard Dinner and Mary Cook."

Frodo decided to conduct his own "Name Game," and with profound apologies to individuals who may actually bear a moniker or two identified herein, the list begins. How about Amanda Holder, Rose Bush, Tawana Peace, or even Ivana Bellone? Males named Dick Hertz and Sauer Ball are put to shame by any young boy named Bader, whose surname is preceeded by the formal title "Master." Frodo notes that he once knew, and felt very sorry for, Ricky Bader, who went his entire life with the nickname "Master."

There really isn't much point to making fun of the names of otherwise upright citizens. However, it should be noted that Frodo no longer purchases any product labelled "Busch" or "Bush." They are in the wrong league.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:06 PM EDT

Updated: Monday, September 19, 2005 9:08 PM EDT

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Sunday, September 18, 2005

Who Ya Gonna Call?
Mood:

spacey
Topic: "Do They Like Kool Aid?"
Christopher Chung of Orlando, Florida (governed by Jeb Bush), is a Jehovah's Witness. Mr. Chung's religious beliefs require him "to avoid encountering or having association with spirits or demons." This doctrine presented Mr. Chung with a problem only when subcontractors at work on the restaurant he was having renovated reported seeing ghosts. Mr. Chung expressed his reluctance to move into the haunted leased space, and the landlords subsequently filed suit for $2.6 Million.

To their credit, the landlords first sought to remedy the situation. They asked first if these were bad ghosts, or if they were good ghosts? Frodo was impressed by the philosophical nature of the inquiry (he was alone in this assessment however, since Mr. Chung did not see the relevance of the query). The landlords then offered to sponsor an exorcism to eliminate the issue entirely. Mr. Chung noted that such a rite is Roman Catholic and is not accepted by his faith.

The landlords felt they had no further option to the filing of a lawsuit. In the suit they asked a judge to decide whether the building is haunted and, if so, whether the ghosts would interfere with the restaurant's business.

Frodo is fascinated by the possibilities this offers for judicial activism. Imagine, dear reader, if you were a patron of Mr. Chung's restaurant, and your waiter was headless (not quite what we've grown accustomed to at "Hooters," eh what?). Frodo would love to be an attorney for one day, for this case. How appropriate, this might be the first case to reach the level of appeal before the "John Roberts Court." Frodo salivates over the opinion of Justice Thomas in matters of this nature (not that he's never before reminded Frodo of anyone named "Lightnin'" or "Rochester) .

No matter what, we know that Governor Jeb Bush will step into the issue as a "friend of the court." His public comments regarding the late Terry Schiavo made it abundantly clear that he would be unsurprised at her appearance at the grand opening of Mr. Chung's restaurant.

Life would certainly be a lot less amusing if Mr. Chung simply joined the Church of England.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:55 PM EDT

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Sunday, September 11, 2005

Don't Go 'Round Tonight, It's Bound to Take Your Life
Mood:

smelly
Daniel Fletcher, Professor of Poultry Science at the University of Georgia, has found a way to transform dark-meat chicken into white. The "other white meat," according to Dr. Fletcher, isn't meant to compete, rather it can be used as a "filler" to add protein and amino acids to dishes such as "chicken nuggets."

"Surimi! This is chicken surimi. . .yuck!," said Marion Nestle, a Food Studies Professor at New York University. For the food challenged, "surimi" is imitation crab meat made from minced fish.

Dr. Fletcher said that Nestle's response was typical, and emphasized that there are a lot of good eating experiences which one might miss if they paid too much attention to the label. "It actually tastes like something you would use with Hamburger Helper. It's a very neutral flavor, and in some ways is very much like tofu."

Frodo hates to interject into the middle of a scholarly debate, but he couldn't help but ask himself, "Why would anyone be interested in fake white meat?"

Entering at this point is Bill Roenigk, SVP of the National Chicken Council, who stated that "Most dark meat produced in the United States is exported to Russia and the Middle East." It turns out that dark meat gets it color from myoglobin, a protein that transports oxygen. It is found in the muscles that animals use most often, and, in the case of chickens, that happens to be the legs and the thighs. "At the end of the day, it is going to be the consumer who says that this is a good idea or not."

Frodo had not known that there was a Department of Poultry Science at the University of Georgia. He supposes that some day he will be watching an NCAA Football Game and hear that a Middle Linebacker from Cordele is a Junior, majoring in Poultry Science. Should he fail to advance into Professional Football after his eligibility ends, he can always go to work for the National Chicken Council. How 'bout dem Dawgs!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:29 PM EDT

Updated: Sunday, September 11, 2005 8:40 PM EDT

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Saturday, September 10, 2005

We All Live in a Yellow Submarine
Mood:

a-ok
Topic: "A Hobbit of an Idea"
Merry has taped four vidotape cassettes of news coverage relating to the tragedy on the Gulf Coast. Merry felt that, over time, the Orcs would distort facts in order to support their political leanings. Frodo laments the fact that we of Middle Earth are so suspicious of one another, but grudingly admits that half-truths are prevalent. During the compilation process Merry used her mind as well as her technological skill, and she asked herself, "What can we do to deal with the next catastrophe that would lessen the pain for all concerned"? A noble inquiry, to be sure.

Orcs, and those who pay attention to their ranting, regularly profess that we who are their opponents only criticize, and never offer solutions. Merry's idea is a fitting response to that assertion.

Merry has proposed "Camp Survival." A centralized location for all emergency response efforts; a clearinghouse for preparation, as well as logistical coordination during, and after. Quite simply, by way of example, a recently closed military facility would provide storage and temporary quarters necessary for dealing with a disaster comparable to Hurricane Katrina. Think how much better, dear reader, things would have gone, had there been emergency vehicles immediately dispatched to New Orleans to transport Military personnel to the affected areas. Think, also, how much better it would have been to move "refugees" to a single location, at which they could be be housed, healthcare provided, and survivor information centralized and processed.

Think, most importantly, what could happen should there develop some sort of communicable disease which strikes those who have been exposed to the toxic elements which permeate that environment. There are refugees scattered all over our land, and the possibility of a nationwide epidemic would presently be unstoppable. A point for temporary quarantine just makes sense.

"Camp Survival" may never be needed again, that is true. It may be needed for those who fall prey to Hurricane Ophelia presently adrift off the coast of South Carolina, that also is a possibility.

What is clear is that a single Hobbit has come forth with a better idea than anything proposed by anyone ever involved with the International Arabian Horse Association. It makes Frodo wonder just how much safer we are today, than we were before George W. Bush became anything more than a footnote in the annals of AA?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:02 PM EDT

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