Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Monday, December 19, 2005

On That Tragic And Fateful Day
Mood:

accident prone
Topic: "We Sank a Truck"
Frodo was reminded of one hilarious scene in the old movie "Operation Petticoat," (starring Cary Grant) where a buxom nurse bumped into the torpedo firing mechanism on a submarine, causing it to discharge a torpedo prematurely. The torpedo missed the Japanese freighter for which it had been intended, ran up onto a nearby beach, and struck a parked truck. Frodo was so reminded by the untimely death of a sparrow in Amsterdam.

Last month the employees of television company Endemol NV were attempting to enter the Guinness Book of World Records by setting up more than 4 million dominoes in order to break the record for falling dominoes during a live on-air broadcast. Unfortunately, a sparrow flew through an open window and knocked over 23,000 of the dominoes by accident. The event was saved only by a series of built-in gaps which prevented the bird from knocking over all of the dominoes.

In a fit of rage, the hapless sparrow was shot by an exterminator with an air rifle.

The story does not end here. It seems there is a Dutch animal protection agency, somewhat akin to PETA, and they have demanded that the enraged exterminator be prosecuted. In an attempt to mollify their audience the company has proposed an on-air memorial for the sparrow during the telecast.

Frodo has been asked to say a few words.

"Friends, we are gathered here today, not in sorrow but in celebration of the all too short life of our avian companion. Struck down amidst the confusion of a bustling alien world this simple creature made an almost indelible mark on the lives of the people with whom he came into contact. He fell to the technology which allows us to master the creatures over whom we hold dominion."

Frodo raised his hands from the podium as he completed his remarks. "Let us pledge ourselves to not forget this simple life and to remember the power that is ours. All of life in this Shire is in our hands, and when we strike, whether from fear or ignorance, we act in the name of our Creator. It is an awesome responsibility, and its' results should never be used to justify its' use. The end of life, no matter how small, is something each of us must consider when we act to hasten the moment for any of the others who inhabit Middle Earth."

Whether or not all of the dominoes fell at one time seemed a little less important as Frodo walked from the stage.

"Speak, Ubu, speak."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:52 PM EST

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Sunday, December 18, 2005

He's Gonna Get Caught, Just You Wait And See
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "Was Miers His Attorney?"
Frodo truly doesn't know what to believe. Is Bush really that stupid, or does he see himself as above the law? Maybe this was the same question wrestled with by Sheriff Pat Garrett when he pursued William Bonney (aka "Billy the Kid"). Perhaps it was what Elliot Ness asked himself as he built his case against Alfonse Capone. Assuredly, it must have been in the mind of Judge Sirica as he examined the evidence implicating the White House in the Watergate break-in. No matter what, George W. Bush probably needs to find himself a whole new group of legal advisors.

Perhaps the spectre of 9/11 is something that Bush must really feel defines his calling. Maybe he really feels that he has had "carte blanche" to interrogate, to eavesdrop, to imprison, with total impunity. If so, it certainly gives credence to the adage that power corrupts, absolutely. To his loyal remnant he wears a crown of thorns and carries a heavy burden.

Setting aside the specifics of the legal authority to conduct domestic surveillance, Frodo recognizes, and has no problem with, emergency action to ensure public safety on a short-term basis. Certainly within 60-90 days of 9/11 such a situation existed. But two years later? What could possibly prevent timely dialogue with the appropriate courts to seek warrants?

Bush says he had legal advice. Bush says that the Congressional leadership was apprised as required. Frodo says "So What?"

Mr. President, the law said you were to do something else, and you did not do it.

You may argue that you were exercising your authority under the Constitution. Frodo says "So What?"

Mr. President the law said you were to petition the Courts for warrants.

Frodo's question is not answered. The President was either stupid or arrogant. Frodo has no option but to inform the President of his rights.

"George W. Bush, you are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be made available to you without cost. . ."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:27 PM EST

Updated: Tuesday, December 20, 2005 9:27 PM EST

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Saturday, December 17, 2005

Blue on Blue, Now That We Are Through
Mood:

flirty
Topic: "You Snake in the Grass"
One of the inhabitants of the Atlanta Zoo is having a problem which, Frodo must admit, is not exactly something he ever imagined to be a problem outside the world of Hobbithood. According to Brad Lock, the assistant curator of herpetology at Zoo Atlanta, Blu, an Eastern Indigo Snake, which is a threatened species, has a low sperm count.

"Dr. Lock, are you telling me that Blu can't get it up?," queried Frodo.
"Well Frodo, Blu was born here in Zoo Atlanta in 1988, and we have learned that he has about 650,000 sperm per milliliter with a motility of about 60 percent. A healthy count for both Hobbits and snakes is for a reading of about 1 and 3 million sperm per milliliter with 90 percent motility," replied Dr. Lock.
"Does that mean that not only is Blu a little short on ammunition, but that it doesn't do much even if it lands in the right place?," asked our inquisitve amateur herpetologist.
"Well, that's pretty much the case," said Dr. Lock. "So once we understood the problem, Dr. Mark Mitchell an LSU assistant professor of zoological medicine joined Zoo Atlanta veterinarian Mark Rivera and I in performing artificial insemination on a female Eastern Indigo currently on loan to Zoo Atlanta, using Blu's sperm."
"Is this a common procedure?," asked Frodo.
"No Frodo," said Dr. Lock, "as far as we know, it has never been tried before, that is using an endoscope."
"An endoscope?"
"Yes, we inserted a lubricated lighted tubelike device into her cloacal opening, which contains her reproductive tract after sedating her, of course." answered Dr. Lock.
"Oh, of course, but isn't there a more banal term for 'cloacal opening' in reptiles?," mused Frodo.
Without acknowledging, Dr. Lock went on to explain that he was able to check the progress of the endoscope on a television monitor and confirm the arrival of sperm in the snake's ovaducts.
"So is that it, we just witnessed an Eastern Indigo getting 'knocked up'?, said Frodo.
"Well Frodo, we won't really know for about two months, and then it will be even longer before she lays about a half dozen eggs or so," smiled Dr. Lock.
"Hmm," mouthed Frodo, "was any of this pleasurable to the participants?"
Dr. Lock stared at Frodo, and with a total dead-pan replied, "I'm not sure, but she wanted a cigarette when it was all over."

Frodo has missed his calling. He should've been a wise ass vet.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:12 PM EST

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Friday, December 16, 2005

Come Along And Be My Party Doll
Mood:

mischievious
Topic: "One For the Good Guys"
Today Frodo received a tiny fishing rod and a ticket to the new Georgia Aquarium as a gift. The presentation of the gift was ensconced with the implication that Frodo's piscine achievements would be limited to quarry who are thusly confined. "Ha, Ha," said Frodo. Frodo also noted that the free pass to the Aquarium had expired. "Ha, Ha," said Frodo's nemesis, Joe the Vagabond and funny gift-giver.

The occasion of the gift-giving was the annual soiree of the group known as the Gazebo. Discussed earlier, the Gazebo are the aging males who gather together to do "guy things." Most recently the guys had rung bells for the Salvation Army. Today they ate and exchanged gag gifts.

It should be noted that about half of the group happen to be politically conservative, and that the luncheon was held in an area that cast over 80% of its' votes to George W. Bush. Frodo will pass through the area in his motorcar from time-to-time, but is generally wise enough not to stop.

One of the attractions of the Gazebo is that the members are so different. There is no "preaching to the choir," and in these times it means that the conservatives actually receive input not programmed by Karl Rove and disseminated by Faux News.

Frodo was prepared for his special gift this day, and he had something appropriate prepared for Joe the Vagabond. Frodo offered up a gasoline can which he had dutifully covered in masking tape and properly labeled for public consumption. The front side read "Bush-O-Line, Four Times Better than Gasoline ever Cost." The rear side read "Bush-O-Line Prevents Global Cooling." On one side it read, "And It Tastes Even Better Than JIM BEAM, I Know--G.W.Bush." On the other side it read "50% of the Cost Goes to Oil Company Executive Retirement Plans." On the bottom Frodo inscribed "A Product of Ahmed Chalabi Enterprises, LLC."

"Garumph" stated Joe the Vagabond. "Titter, titter" snickered the other conservatives. "That was great Frodo," and out loud "Ha,Ha" emanated from the enlightened members of the Gazebo.

On the way home Frodo heard that George W. Bush had authorized the National Security Agency to spy on American citizens, and had not sought court orders in order to do so. Next year Frodo will give Joe the Vagabond an old tape recorder, a pair of binoculars, and a copy of the Constitution. It's just a shame that he can't give George W. Bush the boot.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:16 PM EST

Updated: Friday, December 16, 2005 9:20 PM EST

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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

These Things I Do 'Cause I'm So In Love With You
Mood:

special
Topic: "The Important Stuff"
Sam is very worried about the gallant Howard. Sam knows the signs that things are breaking down, because Sam has seen it happen many times before. Sam bodes dread whenever the telephone rings with news from afar. Sam has been a hospice volunteer for many years.

Frodo may take on great burdens in his efforts to destroy the ring, but in Sam's presence he is merely a high private.

Frodo recognizes that there are times when Sam wants to talk and there are times when Sam wishes to sit in silence. Frodo does his best to recognize each. What amazes Frodo are the roles played by Mick, the Wonder Dog, and Princess Fiona ("the most beautiful girl in the whole world", from "Shrek," in case you hadn't noticed). They recognize the difference immediately, and they react accordingly. When Sam pulls a blanket up on the couch and reads while the TV, in silence, flashes sale items from Home Shopping Network and the tea cup sits on the cluttered table, that must be their sign to cuddle with Sam. They are loving, affectionate, and their eyes seem to mirror the concerns in the soul of Sam.

When Sam stirs and starts to think of other things Mick and Fiona immediately swing into action. They debate the ownership of a stuffed animal, or they imitate the political howlings of Bill Frist and Dennis Hastert. Sam is guaranteed to laugh at the outrageousness of the play, and tails wag in delighted unison.

Frodo is usually the center of attention because he drops crumbs, or he is more likely to step outside to seek adventure. At these times however, Mick and Fiona have a greater calling, and they do not stray too far from Sam's presence. Should Frodo mindlessly turn on a news program and begin to rail at the folly of the "clown of the day," he is the victim of silent stares in the doorway. It is as if he is being asked to explain what exactly he has on his mind for such thoughtless behavior. Being silently chastized by dogs is a lesson that Frodo takes to heart.

Everybody in the Shire has a job. Some do theirs very, very well.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:50 PM EST

Updated: Monday, December 19, 2005 8:53 PM EST

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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Shouting and Shooting I Can't Let Them Catch Me
Mood:

surprised
Topic: "Never Doubt Bilbo"
Bilbo lives now in the Valley of the Sun, a long, long way from the Shire. Bilbo does not travel well these days, so personal contact is infrequent. Telephone calls are supplemented by the magic of the Internet, but much is lost in the translation of fact into fiction without the benefit of seeing what is to be believed.

Bilbo has been spreading mothballs underneath the magical motorcar. The magical motorcar is a 1989 Toyota Camry, with 38,000 gross miles. Frodo has speculated that if the motorcar's warranty did not have a timeline of five years, then this 16-year-old automobile would still be under warranty. Bilbo takes immaculate care of the motorcar, and changes the oil every 1,000 miles (which calculates out to about every six months).

Frodo queried Bilbo about the mothballs underneath the motorcar. Bilbo told Frodo that it discouraged rabbits.

"Okay. Rabbits you say?," said Frodo.
"That's correct," said Bilbo, "they get up underneath motorcars and chew the rubber off gaskets and wires."
"Why would they do that?," queried Frodo.
"They eat the rubber," said Bilbo.
"Have you ever seen this happen, or do you know anyone to whom this has happened?," Frodo asked pensively.
"It happens out here all the time, so they say," retorted Bilbo.
"I read about it happening in the paper," added Bilbo, defensively. This additional comment was offered as if it were indisputable evidence of the "Rabbit Plot to Render Motorcars Useless."

Frodo decided that he had accumulated sufficent testimony, and declined to further pursue prosecution. He helped Bilbo spread out a few more mothballs around the motorcar, and he decided not to tell Sam about Bilbo's hallucinations.

Several days ago Bilbo called Frodo and related the following tale. It seems Bilbo had taken the motorcar to the nearby, and fabulously wealthy, garage mechanic who accepted money for the lack of service required. Two days later, when next the motorcar was required, Bilbo had great difficulty in getting the motorcar started. When finally the motorcar did start, it vibrated and jerked as if it could not settle upon a proper gear. Bilbo called the fabulously wealthy garage mechanic seeking assistance. He suggested that Bilbo try and drive it to the shop immediately (Frodo is sure he was tabulating the balance due on the college tuition of his eighth child as Bilbo spoke).

When Bilbo finally arrived at the garage in the sputtering and wheezing motorcar, Bilbo was quite upset. The fabulously wealthy mechanic assured Bilbo that he would discover the problem and solve it. With Bilbo present the mechanic opened the hood and promptly screamed as if his eyes had been douched with battery fluid.

From the engine block sprang a rabbit.

Once the mechanic's heart started again, and the rabbit disappeared into the area behind the garage, both he and Bilbo peered into the engine area. Sure enough, nearly every wire, gasket, and pipe had been stripped of any protective rubber.

The fabulously wealthy mechanic received $348 for the repairs that followed to Bilbo's motorcar. The receipt is noted "Rabbit Damage."

Frodo now must accept the assertion that Bilbo's next-door neighbor does really peruse Bilbo's mail. Frodo has no grounds on which to question Bilbo's claims. What truly frightens Frodo, however, is that he now has no reason to doubt that there really are "rich people from New Jersey" who want to buy the motorcar because it was the last good car manufactured anywhere in the world.

Frodo thinks he could get the fabulously wealthy garage mechanic to submit a counter-offer in Bilbo's behalf.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:57 PM EST

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Sunday, December 11, 2005

Those Were The Days My Friend, We Thought They'd Never End
Mood:

hug me
Topic: "Dead Honkey"
Frodo had watched every single one, and that is why he would not watch this one. Every time, Frodo would get so spitting angry at him that he would say things impolitic and venomous. Time after time he would start a speech by saying "Mah fellow Amurricans, I cum before yew with a heavy hart. . .," and Frodo just couldn't stand to hear that ever again. It would be followed by the numbers. 247, 299, 206, 311. . .the number of American troops who had died that week. That is why Frodo drank beer, rather than watch the television, on the night that Lyndon Johnson announced he would not seek re-election.

Eugene McCarthy had openly challenged the President of the United States for the nomination of his own party, and he was winning the minds of America's heart. Frodo's candidate was Robert Kennedy who, not unlike everyone else, was on the sidelines and sanguine about a challenge to a sitting President of his own party. Eugene McCarthy had the intellectual courage to challenge and to fight for what was right. Lyndon Johnson withdrew rather than continue the struggle against McCarthy and his supporters. It was a challenge that Frodo knew McCarthy eventually would lose, but Frodo, for all the years that followed, always stopped to listen when Eugene McCarthy spoke. He would not say what someone wanted, he would say what he felt.

Eugene McCarthy said he could not bear to watch the second inauguration of George W. Bush because he considered him a moron.

Richard Pryor sat across from Chevy Chase and they portrayed an employment interviewer and a job applicant. The questions were bureaucratic, and the responses appropriate. That is, until the question came to race, and then the staccato epithets of "Spade," "White Trash," "Jungle Bunny," and "Honkey" were peppered back-and-forth by these premier comedic actors. Frodo was hysterical with laughter, and he started a television affair with the outrageous nuance of hilarity and social discourse. Perhaps the best way to get along together was to laugh at each other openly? Frodo promised himself that he would be like Richard Pryor and to always say to anyone what he would say to everyone else.

White people in Atlanta do not have the courage to tell their black neighbors what they call MARTA (Metropolitan Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority) when there are no black people around. Frodo would tell anyone that they say "Moving Africans Rapidly Through Atlanta." Frodo wonders what would happen if Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney asked Governor Sonny Perdue what MARTA really meant?

Eugene McCarthy and Richard Pryor died on the same day. Frodo cannot think of anyone else who symbolized the iconclastic era of the 1960's as did these last two survivors of the decade with purpose. With their passing the "sexy sixties" become history, not memory.

Frodo needs a hug.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:01 PM EST

Updated: Sunday, December 11, 2005 10:06 PM EST

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Friday, December 9, 2005

Lead Me On, Tease Me All Night Long
Mood:

down
Topic: "Queen of the Damned"
Anne Rice, the incredibly macabre author of "Interview With a Vampire," could not have imagined a more appropriate character as United States Secretary of State. Her namesake, Condaleeza Rice (no relation as far as Frodo knows), travels the world and uses the bully pulpits of diplomacy as did the character Lestat, an actor on stage. Frodo feels a chill everytime she smiles and extends her hand to a willing foreign dignitary. Frodo looks at the neck of Jacques Chirac and Tony Blair to see if there are band-aids in the jugular areas.

Secretary Rice has been trying to convince the world that the United States would never do anything evil. Lestat, of course, did his best to convince his potential victims that they were merely being entertained by coming to see him on stage. Then, on their way home, he could drop out of the shadows and have a late brunch.

The Japanese have decided to keep their 500 troops in Iraq a bit longer. Frodo notices that their Prime Minister seems a bit pale. Perhaps he has a touch of Avian Flu?

Gerhard Schroeder has not been seen in public for quite some time. Evidently a woman named Merkel is now running a "minority coalition" government in Germany. The Germans will continue to aid in the instruction of the new, improved Iraqi militias.

In France there have been a simmering series of night time disturbances to protest certain government policies. Mysteriously, nobody seems to get arrested for anything, since they disappear during the day.

Ariel Sharon has apparently reversed his life-long positions on the Gaza, and has surrendered the territory to the Palestinians. Frodo notes that Sharon no longer appears in public, and that he seems to be gaining weight. Perhaps he, too, has taken a page or two from the teachings of Lestat.

Frodo could offer additional instances for consideration dear reader, however he has a sudden urge to tie a strand of garlic about his neck and to sharpen a wooden stake or two.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:23 PM EST

Updated: Friday, December 9, 2005 8:34 PM EST

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Thursday, December 8, 2005

The Biggest Fool to Ever Hit The Big Time And All I Gotta Do is Act Naturally
Mood:

crushed out
Topic: "A Man's Army"
Two small stories converge for Frodo this coming Saturday.

From the time when he was the smallest of Hobbits Frodo has always found the Salvation Army Kettle and dropped pennies into it at Christmastime. Long after the downtown department stores with their magnificent displays followed the Great Auk into oblivion, and countless years after sitting on Santa's lap, the lonely bellringer stands in Frodo's memory. Sometimes in silence, sometimes with a boisterous "Merry Christmas," the symbol of Christmas giving is as important to Frodo today, as it was when his father had to hold him up in order to drop his coins into the kettle.

Frodo joined with some other citizens of Middle Earth a few years ago who shared but two things in common. They were all male and they found themselves contained within a world without the spirit and the dialogue of the "locker room." Getting older, they were busy in their versions of Mount Doom and with their families and respective institutions of choice. They had little opportunity to do "guy things," or to gather in simple camaraderie with no strings attached. They raft rivers, tour museums, visit a monastery, all in a brief respite from the insular world of the 21st century.

This Saturday Frodo and a fellow Hobbit, Antonio Banderas, will stand in front of the Wal-Mart on Ashford-Dunwoody in the Shire between 2 and 4 PM and they will ring the bells for the Salvation Army. They will be preceded, and succeeded, in pairs throughout the day by the other members of their clan. Frodo will wear the red apron, ring the bell, and dance a little dance if it helps to raise money for the Salvation Army and all of its' fine work.

Perhaps a small Hobbit will reach his hand to the kettle struggling to push his coins into the slot. If he wishes, Frodo will let him ring the bell. Frodo can hardly wait.

The Shire is not accessible to all who read these words, so if you are out and about this Saturday, and happen upon the bellringer, please stop by and drop a coin or two into the kettle. Tell the bellringer that it is "For Frodo."

It'll drive 'em crazy.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:08 PM EST

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Wednesday, December 7, 2005

We Gotta Get Right Back Where We Started From
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Que?"
Frodo is a long time fan of Basil Fawlty, proprietor of the English Bed & Breakfast known as "Fawlty Towers." John Cleese, the brilliant comedian and member of the heralded group known as "Monty Python," portrayed Basil Fawlty. The interplay between Basil Fawlty and the Spanish-speaking waiter, Manuel, was a highlight for Frodo. Manuel would invariably inquire of the mercurial proprietor, "Que, Mr. Fawlty?" That was always a clue for massive inability to communicate.

John Cleese has written a satirical letter to the citizens of the United States of America entitled "Fawlty America." Frodo has always believed that satire should be read not only for the humor, but for the serious aspect of constructive criticism. From his letter, Frodo quotes the following:

"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. . .Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
. . .the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:. . .
2.There is no such thing as 'US English.' We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. . .
5.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. . .
6.you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7.All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. . .
8.The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol. . .roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it. . .
11.The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. . .American brands will be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,'. . .
12.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. . .
13.You will cease playing American 'football.'. . .Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American 'football,' but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). . .
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are even aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
14.You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. . .
Thank you for your cooperation."

Funny? Frodo is prepared to defend Miller Light, the Atlanta Braves, the Internet, the Second Amendment, Ford Motor Company. He realizes then that none of them need defending. The satire is one of man's oldest weapons, just ask Dante Machiavelli. He is long remembered beyond the subject of his publication "The Prince."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:23 PM EST

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