Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Monday, January 30, 2006

I Believe in Miracles, Since You Came Along, You Sexy Thing
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Whopper"
Frodo is taking issue with the purported discovery of the world's smallest fish. Researchers have reported that PAEDOCYPRIS PROGENETICA (a distant cousin of the carp) is not only the world's smallest fish, but the world's smallest vertebrate as well. Discovered in the steaming peat bogs of Sumatra, the smallest adult specimen captured was just 0.31 of an inch from nose to tail.

Last summer, while cruising "Lake Lovey" on the "U.S.S. Minnow," with Mick (the Wonder Dog) and Fiona (the most beautiful girl in the world), Frodo happened to notice riffles in the water under a low-hanging tree limb. Stealthily, or at least as quietly as one can navigate with dogs barking at every squirrel in every tree within a 10-mile radius, Frodo guided the pontoon craft to a point within reasonable casting distance.

Outfitted with the penultimate in rubber worms, i.e. "purple but with a shocking pink tail," Frodo dropped the lure directly in front of whatever denizen was laying waste to the baitfish tipping the surface. An immense shadow passed between Frodo and the now motionless worm at the bottom of the lake. Suddenly, the shadow turned and raced directly for Frodo's lure. Frodo could feel beads of sweat forming in numerous locations on his body.

From out of nowhere, something raced in front of the immense shadow and grabbed Frodo's lure from the open maw of the largemouth bass. Frodo pulled mightily on his exclusive Shakespeare rod, and set the hook deeply. Within moments Frodo had the prize on the deck of the "Minnow."

Neither Mick nor Fiona even bothered to get up from their shady resting spots on deck. Frodo looked longingly at the immense shadow now turning into deeper water as he attempted to remove the 0.29 of an inch true minnow from his hook. The greedy little pecker had tried to take a lure which was bigger than he was.

Frodo believes that fish was a Republican.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:41 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Sunday, January 29, 2006

In Birmingham They Love The Governor
Mood:

smelly
Topic: "Grading on a Curve"
Frodo recalls one of those survey courses he took at the College of the Shire. He never knew why it was required, and he has certainly never applied anything he memorized in those days. When the first test scores came back, not a single Hobbit scored higher than "55." Frodo knows because he has often wondered who the alien was that did so well on something so virtually impossible. Fearing that his time as a student would be entirely preparatory for Basic Training in the Army of the Shire, Frodo was pleased to become acquainted with the concept of "grading on a curve."

George W. Bush is probably very familiar with the concept. In contrast to Frodo, the Leader of the Western World is applying it to real life. In his State of the Union Address, Volume VI, Sauron is going to announce a reduction in the number of Army Reserves and of National Guardsmen. He will, Frodo assumes, wrap this as if it is a reduction in troop committments to fight the Pre-Emptive War. He will also take credit for the cost savings to the taxpayers of Middle Earth.

What Sauron will neglect to mention is that he is unable to attract sufficient volunteers into either activity. All he is doing is reducing the "authorized" number down to the "actual" number. He will, of course, make this sound as if it is some sort of successful effort on his part, and proudly give himself an "A."

It is now clear to Frodo how he got through Yale.

Frodo might have deserved something below the "B" he got out of that survey course a long time ago. The curve may have helped keep him out of the rice paddies of Vietnam, but it may also have given some people the mistaken impression that Sauron experiences legitimate cognitive thought.

It probably also explains the whole idea of "No Child Left Behind."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:39 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Saturday, January 28, 2006

You're The One I've Been Waiting on Forever
Mood:

celebratory
Topic: "Birthday Baggins"
George Reeves played one of the Tarleton twins in the movie "Gone With the Wind." He went on, in the early days of television to play "Superman" in black-and-white TV. Forever cast in that role, the actor was doomed, and he committed suicide. Every time that Frodo watches the twins woo "Miss Scarlett," he thinks of the kryptonite bullet that shattered the brain of Superman.

Mr. Elijah Wood turns 25 years of age today. It was his stirring portrayal of your host, dear reader, that prompted these words, and those which have gone before. Frodo is "Everyman," thrust into action because everyone else hesitates. It is a noble role, and it is one to which Frodo has been cast in life as in art. If Frodo does not destroy the Ring, then who shall?

It is Frodo's wish that Mr. Wood grow a beard, and put on a great deal of weight. Let no Citizen of Middle Earth look upon this accomplished young actor and remember him for but a single role. He has accomplished something, and perhaps enriched us all. Frodo hopes so.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:08 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Even The Jordan River Has Bodies Floatin'
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Geneva Accords Redux"
In 1954, after the fall of Dienbienphu in French Indo-China, the Geneva Accords provided for the end of European rule in the nation that is today the Republic of Vietnam. The Accords called for "free and open elections" to establish a national government based on the will of the indigenous peoples of that land. History tells us that the United States of America, in support of the Catholic minority in the southern regions, refused to sign the Accords. The majority of the potential electorate, it seems, were predominantly Communists and they were loyal to a leader named Ho Chi Minh.
In brief, elections were not held because the United States of America felt that the guys they wanted to win would lose.

Frodo, not unlike many other citizens of Middle Earth, believed that to fight a war against one of the guiding principles of democracy, i.e. free and open elections, was the worst kind of hypocrisy. The United States of America however, took the posture that the threat of Communism was so great that it could tumble fragile nations into the hands of the Communist dictators one after the other, just like dominoes.

It did not matter that the leadership in the southern regions was corrupt. It did not matter that their governments were cruel and despotic. It did not matter that the minority were supported entirely by US Foreign Aid. They were against the Communists, and that was all that mattered.

Amid all the tragedy of those endless years of war, Frodo was convinced that such stupidity would not be repeated while he inhabited Middle Earth.

Today, the President of the United States announced that his nation would not recognize or deal with the winners in the Palestinian election given their present position on relations with Israel. It did not matter that their existing leadership was historically corrupt and inefficient. It did not matter that the winners are part of the regional religious majority, i.e. Sunni Muslim. It did not matter that a "free and open" democratic election, the supposed objective of the long and costly War in Iraq, had clearly spoken for the peoples of the area. It was not "our guys" who won.

Frodo recognizes that there are many, and very good, arguments to support the President of the United States in this policy decision. There are many who will immediately point to the threat of terror, as did those who once pointed to the threat of Communism, as justification. Frodo fears that the philosophical rejection of that example which our own history shows us, will, once again, cost the United States of America very, very dearly.

Hamas, as a governing entity, will need more than $70 Million beyond its' resources every month in order to maintain control in Palestine. The shortfall will not be made up by US Foreign Aid. Sunni Muslims will rally to their brothers. The majority Sunni governments of Jordan, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, et al, provide capital. Sunni insurgents join with Hamas in their desperate struggle to rid their lands of foreign intervention. The majority Shi'ia nations of the region, Iran and Iraq, grow closer every day as religious fundamentalists fill the leadership vacuum. The Shi'ia can be a battleground, or they can be an ally for Hamas. Only time and technology will tell.

Condoleezza Rice will talk to Tony Blair. Vladimir Putin will talk to Jacques Chirac. Frau Merkel will talk to Prime Minister Koizumi.

George W. Bush will sing to the choir.

Frodo watches the little Hobbits next door. Through his tears he sees camouflage uniforms and automatic weapons, just beyond their horizon. With all his heart Frodo knows we have learned nothing, nothing at all. We still have the dumbest people in the greatest positions of power, and we have given them the rope to tie around the necks of those little Hobbits.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:00 PM EST

Updated: Monday, February 6, 2006 8:35 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Do Not Forsake Me Oh My Darlin'
Mood:

down
Topic: "Brownback Mountain"
Hypocrisy is often the charge, and usually incorrectly spelled, when any politician says anything that contradicts his/her public persona. Frodo feels that Senator Sam Brownback (R-Kansas) is today's justifiable target.

Senator Brownback is a conservatives' conservative from a conservative state. He is opposed to everything that costs money, is mildly fattening, or that would cost him financial support from the Christian Coalition. He is in favor of anything that reduces taxes, increases corn subsidies, or that increases his financial support from the Christian Coalition.

Senator Brownback is also up for re-election.

Senator Brownback was interviewed on television the other evening, and as he droned on about why Mr. Alito would make a fine Supreme Court Justice, Frodo drifted off to sleep. Exactly where Frodo's questions began and Chris Matthews' ended is subject to conjecture.

"Senator Brownback, aren't you voting for Mr. Alioto because he opposes a Woman's Right to Choose?"

"Well, that's certainly not the case, since we have no idea how Supreme Court Justice Alito would rule as it relates to that issue."

"I beg your pardon, Sir. You have stated that it is the most significant issue that will again appear before the court, and you have also indicated your support for him."

"Yes, but no one knows how he will rule. He has said that he has no firm opinion that would undermine his judicial decision."

"Senator, that's baloney, you mean to imply that you would support him if he were in any way inclined to rule in favor of abortion rights?"

"No, what I'm saying is that I believe his testimony that he will consider issues free of bias."

"Senator, with all due respect, Alito refused to respond under questioning, in contrast to Justice Roberts, that he saw Roe v. Wade as 'settled law,' thereby literally stating that he considered the issue subject to change."

"Yes, but nobody can foresee exactly how he would rule."

"Senator, do you mean to honestly say to me, and to the viewing public, that you believe that as a Supreme Court Justice, Mr. Alito might rule to uphold Roe v. Wade?", said the breathless interviewer. "I ask you, under what possible set of circumstances would he in any remote shape or fashion so rule?"

"Well, once again, I say that no one can be sure what might happen."

"You're opposed to the reproductive rights of women, you've made that a cornerstone of your political position, you've stated that you would oppose a pro-choice nominee, you've made public your support for Alito, and you don't know how he would rule?"

"As I said, I don't know for sure how he would rule, but I believe he is going to be a great addition to the Supreme Court."

"Senator?"

"Yes?"

"Have you ever had sex with a male farm animal?"

"What? Why would you ask me such a question?"

"Because you're a pig and they oughtta make a movie about you."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:55 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Where Were You When I Needed You
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "On Vacation, I'm Sure"
The entire Bush Presidency has been spent looking out of airplane windows, or at least that's the way it seems to Frodo. Everyone remembers the poignant photos of the President peering out of Air Force One after the disasters of September 11th, and, together, we prayed for his strength and his resolve. Frodo now can't get the pictures of an incompetent President staring out at the floodwaters that had engulfed the City of New Orleans, as he returned to Washington from one of his frequent "vacations" in Crawford. Frodo heard him say, then correct himself, that "no one could have predicted" the consequences of Hurricane Katrina.

Now we have learned that the consequences of the hurricane were predicted, two full days before Katrina struck the Gulf Coast, and almost a full week before the President directed appropriate response to the pleas for assistance. The White House received a report which eerily defined the broken levees and massive flooding from The Department of Homeland Obscurity to that effect.

"Mr. President, Scott McClellan here."

"Who?"

"Your Press Scecretary, Sir, you know, the little fat guy who's going bald."

"Oh Cheney, how ya doin' Dick, everythin' under control there in the bunker?"

"No Sir, this is Scott McClellan, the guy who talks to all the reporters."

"Reporters! Goddam bunch of lowlifes. I thought I told ya'll to stop talkin' to them fools."

"Well Mr. President, I needed to let you know we got a special report in here at the White House. It might be something you'd want to read."

"Read? Damn boy, the last thing I read was that damn stupid kid's book about goats, and look at all the trouble it got me into."

"Sir, this is a report from the Federal Emergency Management folks about the hurricane in the Gulf."

"Federal Emergency Management, isn't that the thing that Carter & Clinton spent all that money on? I thought we told 'Brownie' to close that place down."

"Sir, the report says. . ."

"Fuck the damn report. Does anybody read that crap?"

"Sir, it says a thousand or more people could be killed. . ."

"Oh bullshit, they've had hurricanes in New Orleans for years, and all that happens is that a bunch of cars get wiped out, and eventually they pump all the water away."

"Sir. . ."

"Oh quit worryin' boy, I'll check on things when we fly back to Worshington next week. No big deal."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:34 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Monday, January 23, 2006

It Wasn't Me That Started That Old Crazy Asian War
Mood:

irritated
Topic: "Adjusting Policies"
The news, according to Frodo, is always a story behind a story. "If a dog bites a man, it is a story," he said, "but what happened that led up to the attack is generally more important, just not as spectacular." To Frodo, the Ring is often the source of much of the evil in the world, but it is rarely mentioned.

Diplomatic relations between the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and the People's Republic of China were established in 1990. King Abdullah bin Abdul-Aziz arrived in Beijing today for the first visit by a Saudi ruler ever. The purpose of the visit was for a series of meetings with President Hu Jintao and Premier Wen Jiabao. The subject to be discussed was identified as "mutually beneficial cooperation in the field of energy."

Frodo notes that Saudi Arabia is the single largest provider of crude petroleum to the world market, responsible for 13% of all that is consumed. The United States is the largest consumer of crude petroleum in the world, and is certainly the largest customer of the Saudis. The People's Republic of China is the second largest consumer of crude petroleum in the world.

"What was that?," asked Frodo. "I could've sworn I just heard the 'cha-ching' of a cash register."

Ten years ago, China imported no petroleum products whatsoever. During the same period, the cost of producing a barrel of oil has more than doubled. Saudi Arabia is "adjusting its' policies" because, as prudent businessmen, they know it is not a good idea to put "all of your eggs in one basket," according to Frodo. "The Saudis," say Brookings Institution scholars Flynt Leverett and Jeffrey Bader, "are disturbed by the anti-Saudi backlash in the US after September 11th, and by what they perceived to be the less-than-vigorous defense of his old friends by President Bush."

Frodo keeps a list of eight countries on his bulletin board. When asked why, he replied "Because Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq, Russia, Venezuela, Nigeria, Libya, and Kazakhstan produce more than half of all the world's crude petroleum today, and within another 10 years, they will produce more than 70%. Let me ask you," he queried, "which of those do you think America can depend upon?"

James Brock, a consultant working on behalf of the Chinese was recently quoted as saying that by 2015, "the world's oil is going to be controlled by people who think it should go where they want it to go because they need tanks or other (military weapons)."

Frodo feels a little like "Brer Rabbit," peering toward the summit of Mount Doom, where the evil of the Ring is concentrated. George W. Bush, to quote Joel Chandler Harris, "he say nuttin'."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:46 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Friday, January 20, 2006

Come On People Now, Smile On Your Brother
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "All Aboard"
Frodo has faced bouts of despair and uncertainty over recent days, and is now looking for the appropriate angle to bring himself out of it. After all, if Sauron is going to be defeated it will take all of the strength that he can muster. For Frodo, nothing revives the spirit like laughter, and the following story, rendered into Hobbit versification, is offered to you, dear reader, for the same purpose.

Lumumba, the namesake of a charismatic nationalist on the African continent, is a bus driver in Zambia for the National Hospital. His duties include escorting groups of patients from various wards within the Hospital grounds on visits to local cultural, athletic, commercial, or social events. On Mondays, he may drive and accompany patients from the children's ward, for example, to a petting zoo. This particular Friday, Lumumba was escorting patients on a shopping excursion into the Capital City. The patients were all from the ward that houses those with non-violent mental disorders.

Lumumba had had a difficult week, and he was looking forward to Friday night, and the weekend off from work. He was very, very tired. After driving his 20 wards to the local market, he sat down on a bench while the patients milled about. It was a sunny afternoon when Lumumba closed his eyes for just a minute, and fell sound asleep.

Waking with a start, Lumumba looked around and recognized no one. In a mild panic he set about a frantic search for the now widely-scattered patients from the mental ward. Sadly, he found none, and no one in the market had noticed anything which would give him any hope of finding any of the missing. He was very frightened, and mostly for his own job.

Sitting in the driver's seat of the empty bus he was suddenly struck with an idea. He closed the door of the bus and drove into the center of the city to a crowded street corner.

"Free bus ride," he shouted, "free bus ride to the first 20 people who get on board." In no time at all he counted 20 people on board the bus, and he closed the door.

"Where dis bus ride go to man?," asked one of the elated riders to Lumumba.

"Free ride out to a park in the country," he answered. With that, Lumumba headed back to the National Hospital keeping almost perfectly to his scheduled time for arrival.

At the entrance to the Hospital grounds Lumumba drove directly in front of the Mental Ward, parked the bus, stepped off and told the Orderlies, "Here be your crazies mon, they're all yours." He jumped in his own motorcar and headed straight for home.

The orderlies wondered why the usually docile patients were so reluctant to return to the barred windows of the Mental Ward. It also puzzled them as to why there appeared to be complete confusion about the need to change back into hospital gowns.

"Hey Mon, what da hell you tryin' to put me in dere for, I ain't crazy," screamed one confused rider. "Yeah sure old man, let me guess, you just visitin', right?," said one of the orderlies disgustedly, as if he hadn't heard these arguments before.

Frodo has learned that, since it was a weekend, most of the Administrative management of the Hospital would not return until Monday. The orderlies noted that it was a particularly vociferous group of patients in the Mental Ward throughout the weekend.

Lumumba's house was vacant when the National Hospital Administrator visited on Tuesday.

Frodo bets that Lumumba looks a lot like George W. Bush, with a tan.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:29 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Thursday, January 19, 2006

That's When My Love Comes Tumblin' Down
Mood:

lyrical
Topic: "Wicked Pickett"
As the "Greatest Generation" faced it's greatest challenge, another little baby was born. A quarter of a century later, that baby would record a song that captured the emotional sensuality which separated generations. Within another quarter-century he would appear in a movie that chronicled the physical sensitivity which divided his generation from those to follow. During the final fifteen years of the life that ended today, Wilson Pickett would join the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame, and his rhythmic revolution would encompass wax, and tape, and the disc drive. Frodo knows, however, that no "I-Pod" will ever capture the heat, the drive, to the midnight hour.

Frodo passed from youth to middle age the night that Elvis died, and this evening he knows he has to slow that mustang down.

Frodo understands why young people go to concerts, and to night clubs, because their music will chronicle their time, too. Frodo and Wilson Pickett own the Midnight Hour, the pimply-faced little bastards can plug in their personal "tunes" and they have dibs on the 4-6 AM time slot. They'll never understand what they missed. Frodo is glad he didn't.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:10 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Are You Warm, Are You Real
Mood:

not sure
Topic: "Homeless"
All through that winter into spring, Frodo and the Fellowship would gather late at night for a trek to the "Bus Stop." An active metabolism allowed each of them to wolf down cheeseburgers and french fries, as a supplement to institutional cafeteria food, without regard to that which prevents such ingestion in these times. Frodo's motorcar was the roomiest, and it was the most frequent carriage to that single source of light in a dark and desolate small town. Frodo took the break from study, and the concomitant spiraling cigarette smoke in his lamp, in order to break the monotony and re-charge the batteries. It also became a game because Treebeard was keeping count.

More than 120 nights in a row had passed since Treebeard began his streak at the "Bus Stop." "Hester," the aging but capable waitress was always there to greet and serve her "boys." The arrival of the Fellowship of the Ring was probably just as important to Hester as was the warmth of the booth in the back, and the greasy atmosphere in that diner. It was a grand time, and there were few cross words or expressions of fear about the future in the "Bus Stop." The only thing that seemed to be absent were the buses. Frodo never recalls seeing an actual Greyhound outside the little station.

As Frodo's final days at the College of the Shire came to an end, pressures were building. The Siege of Gondor was underway, and Frodo would be an unwilling participant, or so it appeared. There were many examinations for which preparations were required before the Last Debate could occur, and Frodo had much to do (the memory of two consecutive nights without sleep in preparation for five exams now seems herculean).

Treebeard entered Frodo's room, ready for the nightly jaunt, but Frodo had to deny his friend. All others were equally occupied, but Treebeard had "the streak" to consider. Frodo felt badly, but he had no time to waste. Treebeard told him not to worry, but Frodo did worry.

They did not go to the "Bus Stop" again. The final examinations came and went, and so did those in the Ring.

Today Frodo received a letter from Tom Bombadil who had shared french fries with Frodo and Treebeard. The note was wrapped around a newspaper article which read, in part, "Nothing remains of the old Greyhound bus station but a pile of concrete and yellow bricks." Tom Bombadil noted that he had taken a final "walk through" of the little diner, just before it was razed, "for old times," he said.

Frodo believes that if there is a Heaven, then there surely will be a Greyhound bus station serving cheeseburgers and french fries to people who never grow old.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:38 PM EST

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Newer | Latest | Older

«	January 2006					»

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30	31