Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

We'd Love To Take You Home With Us
Mood:

flirty
Topic: "Missionary Position" (3)
"Happy" Rockefeller is a name that Frodo will never forget. She probably had more to do with preventing a husband from becoming President of the United States than almost any other woman in American History. The Republican Party had, at that time, never nominated a candidate for the Presidency who was married to a divorcee. True to form, and principle, the Republican Party nominated Barry Goldwater for the Presidency rather than her husband, Nelson Rockefeller. Tough love, especially for someone named Happy.

Dear reader, the principle, if not the practice seems to have dissolved somewhere around 1980, when Jane Wyman's former husband had married the divorcee Nancy Davis and changed her last name to Reagan. Since that time, the Party which routinely espouses principles which it cannot practice, and certainly "family values" comes first to mind, seems to have embraced the philosophy in marriage that "If at first you don't succeed, then try, try again."

One needs to examine the performance of the four leading contenders for the Republican Presidential nomination in 2008. Two of the four have committed adultery (which for the benefit of Rep. Lynn Westmoreland (R-Ga) is one of the Ten Commandments he was unable to recall during his appearance on 'The Colbert Report'). Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani are both on their third marriage.

Frodo wonders how many Secretaries of State there would be during a single-term Gingrich Presidency, given his proven ability to make solid personnel judgments?

Senator John McCain (R-Az) is sinking in the polls faster than a speeding bullet. The fact that he has only been married twice actually seems to be working to his detriment. Maybe he could improve his election chances by dumping his current wife? Who knows, thinks Frodo, isn't Britany Spears available? Maybe he could invite her to attend Cabinet Meetings.

The real question mark in all of this is this guy Mitt Romney, who used to do something in Massachusetts, but he's actually from Utah, and is a practicing Mormon. The boy has only been married one time. Who would have ever thought that the only monogamous candidate the Republicans could find would turn out to be a Mormon?

Eventually, somebody is going to ask the guy if he wears boxers or briefs.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:01 PM EDT

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Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Bend Me, Shape Me Any Way You Want Me
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Form 666" (3)
Frodo is irregular. This state of mind has absolutely nothing to do with his physical well-being. Frodo is simply going through his annual ritual of manhood; when he goes mano-a-mano against George W. Bush in the preparation of his own Federal Income Tax return. Nancy Pelosi and the Congressional Democrats may not be able to cut-off funding for the Iraqi occupation, but Frodo, in his own small way, damn well can do so.

This year Frodo has a new weapon, and it is the Federal Telephone Excise Tax Deduction. Rather than take the formula prescribed for all taxpayers by the good folks at the IRS, Frodo opted to compute his deduction by counting up every penny he actually paid for this long-time little addition to his telephone bills. In so doing, Frodo legally removed over $400 from the Crawford War Machine. It took Frodo the better part of six-and-a-half hours to do the computation and complete the form. As is often stated, War is Hell!

Sam is an accomplished contributor to noble causes, and this year Frodo required that every donation be by check or credit card. Every nickel that goes to the "Defenders of Wildlife" et al, will provide that much less for bullets or to increase the ferocity of a Civil War on the other side of the world. It took many hours to merely translate the checkbook notations from the original WESTRON (common in Middle Earth during the Third Age), and Sam is avoiding Frodo like the plague.

Frodo's prized Motorcar is used for business, and Frodo is sacrosanct in the methodology with which he separates personal from professional use. This year, given the increased costs of fuel under the leadership of the decidely self-divined reincarnation of George Armstrong Custer, Frodo goes nowhere that doesn't have a potential business application. If he is able to swing a "three-martini lunch" along the way, he considers that another contribution to bringing the boys (and girls) home before Christmas. He also toasts the "Decider" with every sip.

All of this struggle with Forms 1040, 6251, Schedule C, and Publication 17 take a great deal of time and effort. That makes Frodo very irregular in his attention to you, dear reader, and for that Frodo is very apologetic. Sometimes however, we have to choose our priorities when our country needs us. Wouldn't it be great if Frodo could end up sending George a bill? He should pay, big time.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:21 PM EDT

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Friday, March 30, 2007

I'm Goin' Away With My Friend
Mood:

amorous
Topic: "Barbie Banditos" (3)

It wasn't so long ago that Frodo told you the story of the "Runaway Bride," the little "chiquita" who got cold feet and blew out of town just before her wedding heading for parts unknown. When finally constrained by lack of funds, she concocted a story about being kidnapped. Remember that? Remember the eyes; how she always looked like she had just sniffed a line of "blow"? Let Frodo remind you, dear reader, that she was from Gwinnett County, Georgia, a territory that gives us 96% Republican turn-out for elections, is almost as white as the gardenias that flower in front of their strip malls, and is named for a guy who signed the Declaration of Independence (but nobody seems to know why). Frodo now has one to top that, and guess where the "stars" in this little melodrama come from?

Two teen-aged girls walk into a Kroger Store, smiling and giggly, wearing designer sunglasses (remembering the eyes of the "Runaway Bride"), and they approach the teller line at the Bank of America branch tactically placed inside the grocery store. They are on video security cameras the entire time. They hand the teller a hand-written note demanding money. They walk away with $10,966. The local media begin to report the story of the "Barbie Bandits," and the video tape of their escapade appears on television screens nationally.

Despite the sunglasses, which proved that even residents of Gwinnett County can learn, the case began to take a few bizarre turns. The stars of the video turn out to be Heather Johnson (19) and Ashley Miller (18), both of whom graduated from Gwinnett County High Schools in 2006 (NOTE: by trading positions with either or both the State of South Carolina and the District of Columbia, Georgia schools are never ranked higher than 49th among 51). Since graduation, both of the alumni had been employed at an establishment quaintly dubbed "Shooter Alley," where they were registered as "exotic dancers." An acquaintance, Michael Chang (27) put the fallen angels into contact with an individual named Benny Allen III (22). Mr. Allen, it seems, was then employed by the Bank of America in a branch located, coincidentally, in a Kroger store.

However it occurred, a plot was established for the four parties involved to make an unauthorized withdrawal from Mr. Chang's employer. Unfortunately, the young ladies had not developed sufficient writing skills in 12 years of Gwinnett County public education to allow them to construct an intelligible demand note. Mr. Chang had to help them write the note when they called him at the bank. Several minutes later, the telephone rang again, and Mr. Chang had to provide directions to the Bank branch since his associates had gotten lost and arrived at the wrong bank.

Several days later, at a routine traffic stop, local police stopped a vehicle carrying Mr. Chang and the young ladies in question. Police found ecstacy tablets and marijuana wrapped inside a wadded-up piece of paper. The piece of paper had directions to the Bank of America branch written thereon. In addition, on the floorboard of the motorcar, the officers found another wadded-up piece of paper, on which was written a "draft" of the demand note. Ms. Johnston had more than $1,000 stuffed into her bra, according to police detectives. The investigators also found receipts for newly-purchased clothes and from a posh beauty salon.

While questioning the young ladies in order to fully account for all the missing money, the detectives reported that Ms. Johnston told them they gave "a lot of money to the homeless." Johnston's parents sat beside their family Minister at the hearing for probable cause. The Mother was quoted as saying, "she got caught up with the wrong kind of people. . ."

At this point Frodo feels compelled to offer the first of two editorial comments. "Excuuuuse me, but your daughter IS the wrong kind of people."

It should be noted, finally, that the police investigation has failed to turn up any trace of the sunglasses worn during the escapade. Frodo adds his other editorial comment at this point, "And who says that Gwinnett County teenagers aren't smart, hiding the evidence like that?"

Frodo's greatest fear is that all four of the miscreants will be spending the next several years doing nothing other than watching the Fox News Channel, uninterrupted.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:37 PM EDT

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Thursday, March 29, 2007

Clowns To The Left Of Me, Jokers To The Right
Mood:

caffeinated
Topic: "Jonestown Redux" (3)

Make no mistake, Frodo is a "Bush-Basher." Frodo cannot stand to look at the smarmy smirker, much less pay attention to his whining, ideological, clap-trap. Before he goes to bed each night, Frodo gets down on his knees and prays for pustules to break out all over the body of George W. Bush so that he suffers, standing or sitting, day or night, for the remainder of his life. The damage he has done is incalculable.

There is a purpose for the preceding paragraph. Frodo is in receipt of information from an acquaintance who is deeply engrossed in the conspiracy theories surrounding the attacks on the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. Included in the data is the inference that the late Senator Paul Wellstone (D-MN) was "silenced" by Dick Cheney for speaking out. Barack Obama and John Edwards are cited, along with other "good liberals," as part of the "controlled dominant paradigm" who would be "toast" if they came forward and spoke against the military-industrial complex. All of this supports, so Frodo's acquaintance alleges, his contention that the events of September 11, 2001, are part of a much larger, much more insidious, cabal.

Horse hockey! With all due respect for the beliefs of others, and for the depth of their sincerity, Frodo has never believed that a Georgia Congressman was blown out of the sky in a commercial airliner by the Communist Chinese because of his political beliefs. Yet, there are countless "Conservatives" who believe that the loss of all those lives was part of some action sponsored by the United Nations, just to silence one deranged Congressman.

Dwight David Eisenhower, a Republican for the love of Pete, warned, in his Farewell Address, about the influence of big business and government. John Fitzgerald Kennedy was assassinated by a Communist sympathizer who was eliminated by a small-time hoodlum before he could be tried, and the hoodlum died from terminal cancer before anybody could figure out his motivations. How inspiring words and tragic events intersect produces a conflagration of theoretical hyperbole, garnished with a little fact and a lot of imagination.

Frodo believes that there are times when there is nothing left to do but to go to someone whom everyone trusts. There are, even in our translucent society, certain people who transcend our differences and to whom we listen, even if we don't all agree with his opinions. Frodo asks, what would Bill Bradley say? An All-American athlete, a Rhodes Scholar, a United States Senator, a Presidential candidate, an accomplished author, married to one woman; a man who represents all of the things that we all hope to represent. Does anyone truly believe that Bill Bradley could be bought off by some cabal of business ideologues, regardless of their nationality? Would Bill Bradley be involved with anyone who threatened our way of life, our great nation? Would he not speak up, would he fear any man?

It is past time to let the craziness out of our systems; from all sides. It is time to recognize that drinking the grape juice doesn't accomplish anything. We may never agree on the route to take, but we all seek the common good, however it may be defined. Frodo believes that all of us can figure that out, except of course, for the re-incarnation of George Armstrong Custer who resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. He, truly, is a lost cause.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:15 PM EDT

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

What's Your Name?
Mood:

irritated
Topic: "Firing US Attorneys" (3)
Frodo's essay that follows could be called a lot of things. What it is, is entirely factual. What it will not do is make you feel better about the way your government is run. After completing this brief read, you may meet Frodo outside the Offices of the Attorney General of the United States. At that point you will be offered either a pitchfork or a flaming torch. There are sufficient trees about the Tidal Basin to support a public lynching. Perhaps that is what it will take to bring sufficient pressure upon the appropriate individuals to recognize the harm done to our nation by incompetent political appointees, and their elected sponsors.

Walter Anderson, the telecommunications entrepreneur who was indicted on what was to be the largest tax prosecution in American history, was sentenced this week. Anderson pled guilty to the overwhelming evidence amassed against him by both the District of Columbia, and the United States Government. Assistant Attorney General (Tax Division)EILEEN J. O'CONNOR announced the indictments and appointed KAREN E. KELLY of the Department of Justice and SUSAN MENZER of the US Attorney's Office as joint prosecutors in behalf of the United States.

US District Judge PAUL L. FRIEDMAN sentenced Anderson to serve 9 years in prison, and to repay the District of Columbia $23 Million. Unfortunately, Friedman ruled (US-v-Anderson, 05-66, US District Court, District of Columbia), he was unable to order Anderson to repay the US Government somewhere between $100 Million and $175 Million because the "Justice Departments's binding plea agreement" with Anderson cited the wrong statute.

The prosecuting attorneys, the Assistant Attorney General (Tax Division) and, presumably, the Attorney General himself, would have been responsible for at least the approval and review of the plea arrangement. The errors, not caught, have cost the taxpayers of the United States somewhere beyond $100 Million. That, dear reader, is money that you will pay.

Now, what exactly was it that was said about those eight US Attorneys who were fired for "poor performance?" Are you wondering why it took little Frodo, weighed down by the task of Ring destruction, to be the only one to bring this to your attention?

That, dear reader, is a $100 Million (or more) question. Now, would you rather have a pitchfork or a flaming torch?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:57 PM EDT

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Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I Remember When Rock Was Young
Mood:

chatty
Topic: "Peacetakescourage" (3)

Ava Lowery, 16, from Alexander City, Alabama, must be an Elf, for she is certainly the child of a Warrior in the gilded palaces of Justice. This home-schooled redhead was featured in the March 27th edition of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (ajc.com) and Frodo took note of her Web Site (peacetakescourage.com). Frodo is proud to announce that he has enlisted in her army. Since her site averages better than 30,000 hits per day, "army" is an appropriate word in this instance.

Frodo accepts a derisive kick in the butt for his off-hand references to the absurd behavior of those Citizens of Middle Earth confined within the jurisdictional lines known as Alabama. Ms. Lowery's fortitude, added to Frodo's long admiration for the singing group who penned "Christmas in Dixie," means that there must actually be intelligent life on the planetoid to the west of Georgia. That would not be evidentiary based on the comments of US Senator Jeff Sessions (R-AL) who utters no wisdom before it has been blessed by the Incomparable Moron.

Ms. Lowrey is not unknown to the public-at-large but, until today, Frodo had never before heard her name. She reminds Frodo of an anonymous friend who posted to the Forum at MoveOn.org many moons ago, identifying herself only as "Scout," from "Monroeville, Alabama." Readers of Frodo recognize the character from Harper Lee, and sense Frodo's deep pride at any reference to a truly great piece of Southern literature. It is Frodo's sincere hope that Ms. Lowrey continue to exhibit all of the courage and integrity of the aforenamed "Scout." It should be noted that her father, Atticus, was also an attorney.

16 years ago, when this child entered upon Middle Earth, there was another Bush pursuing War in the desert. Since those of us who were there to welcome her into this world could do nothing to end the madness at that point, is it any wonder that a child leads us now?

In a day bleak with news of death , destruction, fatal illnesses, treachery, injustice, and men without honour, Frodo is pleased to know that one so young will tend his garden for many days beyond.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:37 PM EDT

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Monday, March 26, 2007

I Was Thinking To Myself This Could Be Heaven Or This Could Be Hell
Mood:

not sure
Topic: "Yellow Peril" (3)

The Shire is abloom. An abnormally warm winter has been followed by an incredibly warm spring, and nearly every thing that blooms has done so; all at the same time. Pussywillow and forsythia, generally the first to bloom are in their glory immediately adjacent to the dogwoods, who routinely follow a full month behind. As beautiful as it indeed happens to be, the downside is that the pollen counts in the Shire are reaching record highs. Today, the fourth highest pollen reading ever recorded is responsible for the watery eyes, the dribbling noses, the general lackadaisical approach to pulmonary functions, and the crush of crowds at the Pharmacy of the Shire. On top of it all however, is the dreaded "yellow peril."

Pine trees produce a pollen so thick that it forms clouds which can obstruct satellite TV at certain times, or so it seems . The US Weather Service alleges that the pine pollen is not a contributor to respiratory problems and therefore does not compute in the pollen readings. It is, however, everywhere, and it coats everything.

Mick, the Wonder Dog, has a peculiar Asian tint to his coat. Mr. Frodo's motorcar, usually a deep blue, when mixed with the "yellow peril," would be an excellent mobile advertisement for the lawncare company "Tru-Green." The gazebo, due to miniature footprints in the pollen, is revealed as a haven for chipmonkeys, seeking shelter from the wily Mr. Beau Neau. The feline companion to Frodo and Sam noiselessly stirs up little puffs of yellow as he prances across the gardens of the Shire.

Sam is absolutely miserable. The tireless taskmaster is drained of energy and succumbs to the temptations of mid-afternoon TV and pithy expose' magazines. Sam reports that Anna Nicole Smith is still dead, in case you had missed that news flash.

Frodo finds that the "yellow peril" actually adds a bit of color to his now naturally dull tonsorial display. If the light strikes the shining dome correctly, it is almost as if there is a reversion back to the halcyon days of blonde, and beautiful. Those were the days when Frodo dreamed of a career playing professional volleyball on the beaches of Malibu, and perhaps becoming the plaything of a former centerfold. Did Frodo mention, by the way, that Anna Nicole is still dead?

Walking in the gardens is bearable, especially with the knowledge that the tiger mosquito larvae, soon to open, are completely intact because of the mild winter. Azaleas and rhododenron are wondrous attractions for an evening stroll, at least for now.

This global warming stuff is a pain in the butt and, assumedly, soon to be in other private locations.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:20 PM EDT

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Friday, March 23, 2007

You Got Me So I Can't Sleep At Night
Mood:

down
Topic: "Call Me Ishmael" (3)
Frodo has posed a rhetorical question. He wants to know that if he asked everyone who ever reads these words, approximately how many whales they have seen, in the wild, during their lifetimes, what would be the total? Frodo is trying to quantify a figure. It is not as if he were asking about Sumatran Howler Monkeys or Kudu; animals known to be geographically confined or bordering on extinction. Although whales must rise out of their elemental existence to be seen, they do exist in every ocean of the world, and they must breathe air. So how many would we be talking about?

The "Nisshin Maru Research," a Japanese whaling ship, returned to port yesterday from Antarctica, with a catch of 508 dead whales.

508. A fire on-board the ship forced its' early return to port and prevented the crew of 149 from obtaining its' "authorized" kill of 860.

The meat will be sold for human consumption.

Frodo wonders exactly which humans to whom the Japanese will be selling the food? Surely, the reference cannot be that the meat is to be sold for Japanese consumption, for that would lead to the rhetorical answer that the Japanese are human.

508. Frodo believes, in his heart, that in the scores of his existence he does not know enough people to produce a grand total of as many as 508 whales seen by all of their eyes over the extent of all their lives combined. That is a staggering realization to the Hobbit. One Japanese ship, whose hunt was cut short, killed more whales in one hunt than Frodo and all the Citizens of Middle Earth known to him, have ever even seen.

Tree-hugging aside, it is hard not to gain a new respect for the warriors of Greenpeace. An organization called "Sea Shepherd," infuriated by the whaling, launched smoke canisters filled with chemicals and dropped ropes into the water hoping to entangle the propellors of the "Nisshin Maru Research." The Japanese argued back that the mission of the ship was to study data on whale populations and feeding habits for the International Whaling Commission. No mention was made that the proceeds of the meat sale would therefore be donated to that or any other "scientific" organization. Frodo is sure that must just be an oversight.

That word "dominion" just keeps coming up, doesn't it?

508. Frodo needs to take a walk.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:52 PM EDT

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

That Promise You Made Was Only a Lie
Mood:

irritated
Topic: "Horsehockey" (3)

Frodo once got into an argument about the Book of Genesis. It happened right about the time that the Georgia State Legislature, which is a well-meaning but undistinguished collection of unindicted co-conspirators, began to debate the issue of animal cruelty. In the State of Georgia, such an act was defined as a misdemeanor, as opposed to a felony. Every imaginable form of animal cruelty, from cockfighting to unimaginable neglect, was punishable merely by a de minimus fine and little more than a night in jail. Frodo legitimately thought that once the issue was public that it would be impossible to argue against God's charge to Adam to exercise "dominion" over the creatures of the earth.

The corpulent literal acceptor of the King James Version said, in front of Frodo, that the proposed legislation was "against God's Holy Scripture." Frodo was unabashedly shocked, and made the mistake of asking for a rational response to what in the blazes did that mean? Frodo was told that God's use of the word "dominion" meant that Man was to take complete and unquestioned control over the creatures of the earth. This control meant that Man could not be questioned for exercising dominion over those for whom he was responsible. Frodo was almost speechless, the moron was actually arguing that God told Adam to feel no remorse for his conduct toward God's creations.

Frodo learned that day that there will always be people with whom one cannot argue. Perhaps that is one of the reasons that Frodo is so sensitive to the creatures of the Shire. Not unlike the burden of the Ring, if not Frodo, then who?

Pets are dying in America because of tainted pet food. Frodo does not mean to suggest that the recalled products are anything more than unfortunately despoiled. He does argue however, that there should be liability for a manufacturer, a distributor, and/or a regulator who are responsible for despoiled product in the hands , or paws, of a consumer. That is the definition of "dominion" of which the God that Frodo knows used when he spoke to Adam.

That is an argument that Frodo will make every single day.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:12 PM EDT

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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Mississippi Moon Won't You Keep On Shinin' On Me
Mood:

bright
Topic: "Spring Equal Knox" (3)
There is something very ominous about the advent of Spring when it is dark outside. At exactly 8:00 PM, GMT (George Mean Time), the configuration of angles and the resulting rays of the Sun, somehow, signaled the beginning of Spring in the Shire. That did not change the fact that it remains dark outside.

Frodo is excited about the impending visit of Gandalf to the Shire. Many years ago, Gandalf took note of Frodo, even though he sat in the last row of the lecture hall, when he read the first paper submitted for grade consideration by the Hobbit. The paper was entitled "Vietnam: Three Stars On a Cap," and it was a brief political analysis of the US-sponsored government of Nguyen Cao Ky. The Ky government preceeded the US-sponsored Thieu government, resulting from the fact that the two leaders switched jobs, perhaps in response to Frodo's paper.

Frodo's title for his paper emanated from a copy of Newsweek, which had a picture of Ky on the cover wearing, as one might expect, a cap with three stars. Since little of academic consequence had then been published about Vietnam, nearly all of Frodo's research came from news periodicals. Frodo had been warned that references such as that were dangerous, and would be harshly considered. Frodo however, was not to be deterred, because he wanted to put his thoughts down on paper, and he wanted to have someone older, wiser, judge his thought process.

When Gandalf handed the paper back to Frodo, he called him aside and congratulated him for receiving the highest grade in class. The analysis, he said, "is as good as I have read, particularly by a college freshman." Frodo protested, citing his lack of true reference material, and Gandalf dismissed the argument. "It is not the reference, it is the manner in which you presented your analysis that is important. What is your Major, Mr. Frodo?"

Frodo has often said that had he attended Cornell University, rather than the College of the Shire, and gone into a Freshman Astronomy Class under Dr. Carl Sagan, that Frodo would probably have become an astronomer. That is the impact that Gandalf had on the Halfling from that day forward.

Many times Frodo feels he has let Gandalf down, by failing to meet many of the goals that Gandalf set for Frodo. Many times Frodo let things slide by, just because he knew that he could get away with it. Frodo thinks about that nearly every day, and tries harder and harder so that he can do better in his own mind, than he did for Gandalf. Frodo is so much more than he would otherwise have been had it not been for Gandalf.

Frodo and Sam will share an evening with Gandalf and his life's companion. It will be dark outside for sure, but who says that Springtime exists only in the sunshine?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:35 PM EDT

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