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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
"Number One" (3)
"Number Please?"(7)
"Number, Please"(8)
"Numbers Don't Lie" (3)
"Numbers Racket" (4)
"Obama Doctrine" (5)
"Obama's Generals"(5)
"October Dreamin'" (4)
"Ode to an Athlete (2)"
"Ogal Preston Crews (2)"
"Oh Kenny Boy (2)"
"Oh the possibilities"(8)
"Oh Ye White Whale" (3)
"Oh, Sadaharu" (2)
"OK Baptist Chorale" (4)
"Old McDonnell's Farm"(7)
"Old Time Baseball"(9)
"Old Times Topic" (6)
"Olympic Changes" (4)
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
The H Word" (6)
Citizens of Middle Earth
The Fellowship of the Ring
The Return of the King
Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Thursday, July 17, 2008
It Takes a Worried Man To Sing a Worried Song
Mood:  irritated
Topic: "Sauron's Scythe" (4)

Frodo has often been asked to define "love."  Similarly, "hatred," "despair," "fear," "pride," and even "jealousy" are terms which he has occasionally been challenged to verbally describe.  It is, indeed, probable that every emotion has at some point in time been the subject of a defining poem, story, or song, except, as best he can herein recall , for "worry."  It is, in his mind, that which corralls our joys and sadness into trepidation and sorrow, magnified by the future and the past.  Frodo can worry about everyday problems like money, or he can make up things to worry about.  The worst part of worry is the fact that its end is a reflection of the possible, the likely, or certainty.

Frodo may, for example, worry about his own demise.  Surely, it will come, and it will have an impact, not only on Frodo, but to those whom he holds dearest.  So Frodo worries about himself, his Fellowship, his menagerie, and it all may be about something which will not occur for a, hopefully, long, long, time.  (EDITORIAL NOTE:  The Incomparable Moron certainly must worry that Frodo's demise fails to occur soon enough.)  In fact, Frodo's demise may be so far off that all of those and that about whom he cares may precede him, and his worry about them or that will thusly prove to be totally inane.  "Worry" is, indeed, a quality which defies description.

Except when it comes to Sam.  Three times has a cloud hung over the horizon, carrying the possibility that something inevitable was prematurely swinging a scythe that would strike Frodo's companion.  Three times has the demon been cast aside by the technical skill of those who treat illness, and the early detection that constant surveillance can prevent.  Three times means only that a fourth shall come, and every chill wind that blows causes Frodo to worry. 

It may be nothing, and it may not.  It may bring about great pain, or blessed relief.  It is that which brings us all, in our nakedness, to the windows which disclose the darkness, and little else.  

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:22 PM EDT
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Monday, July 14, 2008
I Ain't Gonna Work On Maggie's Farm No More
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: "Two Americas" (4)

As a general rule, Frodo avoids the daily topical, preferring, instead, to reflect back at a later time, in order to add perspective, or humor, to something that may not be quite as serious as talking heads or partisans may proffer.  There are, of course, exceptions to every rule and, as Gomer Pyle frequently stated, "Surprise, surprise, surprise," hither follows an exception.

THE NEW YORKER magazine is a "slur," and it is so because that is how it is viewed by the subjects cartooned on the cover.   From a similar perspective, religious people felt that the iconic presentation of the Prophet Muhammad in Dutch newspapers was a religious "slur."  What is truly unsettling about both of these instances is that extremely intelligent, creative, artistic people responded defensively to the criticism.  

George W. Bush, it may be argued, is therefore fully justified to show offense at the comic portrayals of his "eagle beak" and "pointy ears."  Frodo would argue back that making fun of a person's appearance is an automatic denial of credible substance.  On the other hand, to reflect a burning flag, or a place of honor for a portrait of Osama bin Laden, with one of the cartooned portrayed as bearing an automatic weapon leaves too much to the imagination, and too little to the belly laugh.

People, good people, are going to say and do things that offend, intentionally or no.  It is the adults who recognize that they have stepped on the proverbial toe, and who have the wisdom to excuse themselves and to go on.  That is what characterizes the goodness of a man like Don Imus, whose motivations will never be questioned by Frodo.  It is the juveniles who talk about "artistic license" (if they live in New York City), or "getting a tee shirt with that cartoon on the front" (if they live in Texas).

Frodo often reads magazines, and not always in the dental waiting room.  Occasionally, he finds himself reading an article in PLAYBOY, or looking at the pictures in THE NEW YORKER.   He resents the fact that anyone would infer that he needs to look at either, differently.  Frodo knows obscenity when he sees it.    

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:55 PM EDT
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Sunday, July 13, 2008
Pain In My Heart Caused By You
Mood:  energetic
Topic: "Underdog Shmunderdog"(4)

Frodo lashed a line single into the hole between the shortstop and the third baseman.  After making the obligatory turn at first base, he eyed the lanky pitcher peering into the catcher for guidance.  The pitcher's glove was tucked under his chin, and he held the ball in his left hand.  The curious pose was required by the absence of a right arm on the pitcher.

Frodo has long ago forgotten that young man's name, but he was a very rare specimen upon the diamonds patrolled by the Hobbit, so many years ago.  Neither the youngster nor his parents were conquered by the unfairness of it all, and his presence on the mound was something that people talked about, and came to see.  On the mound, he would catch the ball in the glove on his left-hand, tuck the glove under his chin, and then toss the ball before quickly jamming his one hand back into the glove, ready to field a ball hit his way.  Frodo, not unlike all the Hobbits on that field, both admired, and feared, the one-armed kid with the blazing fastball and the herky-jerky movements on the mound.

The score was even, and Frodo was a far better runner than the catcher was a thrower.  Frodo edged off of first base, studying the stance of the one-armed pitcher, looking for a tell-tale point at which to begin his rush for second base.  Frodo brashly assumed that one-arm did not appreciate either the speed or the guile of his opponent, and edged even another step away from the bag at first.  As one-arm raised his right leg to deliver the ball toward home plate, Frodo took his first leaping step to steal second base.  In an instant, Frodo caught sight, in the corner of his eye, of the ball traveling behind him toward the first baseman.  Instinctively, Frodo turned back to first, and dived for safety to the far corner of the bag.  With his face in the dust, he could hear the umpire roar the inevitable denouement.

As he shuffled slowly back to the bench, to the tune of admonishment that one should never be picked off base, Frodo tried to rationalize his misjudgment.  As he watched the rejuvenated pitcher from his lonely spot on the end of the bench, Frodo realized that he had paid improper attention to the right shoulder of one-arm.  Frodo thought he had seen the shoulder point toward home when one-arm raised his right leg, but now, when it no longer mattered, he realized that the shoulder never did turn in that direction.  It was a conscious adjustment to his affliction by one-arm, and Frodo had been fooled by something he had never before experienced.

Frodo played the magnificent game for more than forty years, and he was picked off base but one time.  The cheers that day were for the underdog, the one-armed pitcher, but the lesson learned by he who dived in the dust has not been forgotten.  Neither of us may remember the name of the other, and the memory probably exists for different reasons.  Frodo truly has much in common with Dr. Richard Kimball.  

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 2:55 PM EDT
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Thursday, July 10, 2008
Wendy Left Me Alone
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: "Whosdalederofdaclub?"(4)

The Chairman of the Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) was a member of the Board of Directors at a little, old company in Houston known as Enron.    The corporation contributed $75,000 to the re-election campaign of the then-United States Senator who subsequently introduced what has since become known as the "Enron Loophole."  When the Senator (who also Served as Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee) retired from public office, he accepted a Senior Management role with the Union Bank of Switzerland, and has successfully lobbied for changes to America's banking laws.  Among the changes are a weakening of restrictions on "predatory mortgage lending."

Wendy Gramm is the party of the first part, and her husband, Phil Gramm, is the party of the second part. 

Today, another worthless Texan, former Senator and Ph.D (wanna bet from what school he got that degree?  Do you think he might have been a "legacy?") Phil Gramm, who has been serving the McCain campaign as primary architect of the candidate's economic policy, referred to the American people as "whiners."  To his everlasting credit, John McCain had enough good sense to immediately disavow everything the arrogant Cretin had just said.  The downside, of course, for McCain, is that now the whole world is aware of the fact that the Republican candidate for President has been relying on input from sources absolutely out of touch with the situation.  McCain, of course, had earlier referred to Gramm as a "genius," but now seems more concerned about how warmly Gramm would be received in Minsk.

Frodo does not disagree that Gramm is a genius.  He has to be brighter than Texas law enforcement, for there is certainly no justification to his ugly butt outside of prison walls.  With the possible exception of current Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska), there is no documentation to support the allegation that anyone has enriched himself more from his time at the public trough than has Phil Gramm. 

Carly Fiorina was dumped for almost driving the technology company once known as Hewlett-Packard into bankruptcy.  Today, Carly is advising the McCain campaign on women's issues.  During an interview she noted that Senator McCain was "outraged" by the fact that "Viagra" was covered as a prescription drug by Medicare, but that birth-control pills were not.  A few hours later, an intrepid reporter asked Senator McCain why, if that were the case, did he vote AGAINST the determination on the floor of the Senate?  The Senator admitted to not knowing anything about the issue, and was nothing less than the "deer in the headlights" while the cameras continued to roll.

Experience, it is said, is the greatest teacher.  Perhaps that is so, says Frodo, but it is clear that some are, indeed, left behind.  The damage done is at the crux of our present dilemma, and the convicts are still in control. 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:57 PM EDT
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Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Listen to The Rhythm of The Falling Rain
Mood:  lucky
Topic: "Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)

For every out-building that ever existed there is a story about a big, ole snake.  Frodo thought about that while wandering amidst the gardens of the Shire with Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog.  Both of his accomplices use the great outdoors, as one might expect, whenever there is a need to create space for the next set of digestibles.  The timing is generally a reflection of a normal day, however the Shire has been deluged with four consecutive days of late afternoon and/or evening thunderstorms.  Yesterday, according to Frodo's rain gauge, three inches of rain fell and one might expect therefore, that trips for this purpose are based on availability and duress.  Comfort is something which is set aside when the Hammer of Thor resounds from Valhalla.

Fiona has the very curious habit of digging a small bed under an evergreen abutting Frodo's house, and remaining there through even the most obsequious of downpours.  Frodo and Sam speculate that she has assumed the role of protector against that which is outside, from coming inside during inclement weather.  Then again, she may simply enjoy Nature's show.  Mick, the Wonder Dog, is napping within inches of whatever room contains he who is known as Frodo.

Between storms, Frodo follows along as both canines search for an appropriate location to follow Natures' call.  There is definitely both a selection and a discovery process involoved.  It is as if the two were Presidential Candidates looking for, and considering a Vice Presidential selectee.  Certainly the parallel fits in the case of Dick Cheney.  The effect being, of course, that Frodo has to be very careful to keep from stepping in it for some days after the event.  Again, Dick Cheney comes to mind.

Frodo has never seen more than a garter snake anywhere in the vicinity of the gardens, and is therefore not terribly concerned about the safety of his friends when they are most vulnerable.  They seem however to want Frodo close, although privacy while in a crouch is seemingly expected. 

Frodo always wanted his father to be standing outside that little building next to the home of his grandfather, just to make sure that no big, ole snake decided to pay an unwelcome visit.  Frodo is sure that included times when it was pouring down rain.

Funny how we forget about the simplest of tasks, which just happened to have been the most important.  Thanks, Pop.   

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:36 PM EDT
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Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Do You Say The Same Words to Someone Else When I'm Not There
Mood:  chatty
Topic: "Zounds, you varlet"(4)

Although Sam is an aficianado of most things British, Frodo has long averred that the Empire collapsed because of the attraction that the male inhabitants seem to have for one another.  This, despite the fact that former Prime Minister Blair was an Honors graduate of the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm, in Frodo's opinion, is because almost all of the little buggers are carted off to sexually segregated boarding schools just about the time they note the flow of hemoglobin into the groin.  The few exceptions to Frodo's observation generally tend to be from Wales, Scotland, or some other location where males drink something other than gin.  Frodo was visibly shaken recently when he heard a member of the Fellowship proclaim admiration for the British actor, Hugh Grant.  Frodo always assumed that Grant did his best acting whenever he touched a member of the opposite sex.

Frodo's distaste for most things British has generally included every wordsmith, save Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  In fact, since the Beatles broke up, Frodo has not been able to identify a single reason for paying any attention whatsoever to people who speak as if marbles were implanted in their dentures.  Frodo refuses to peruse any British television show, movie, or audio tape not providing sub-titles. 

This diatribe relents upon a delightful little book whose title stirred a query to Sam, the British weenie.  "84 Charing Cross," (a gift, since Frodo would not have willingly supported the current exchange rate) sounded familiar, and Frodo was informed that the movie had starred Anthony Hopkins and Anne Bancroft.  Since Hopkins is now and forever Hannibal Lecter, and Bancroft made Frodo wish his name was Benjamin, reading this book did not seem unpatriotic.  In fact, Frodo quickly determined that only half of the book had anything to do with the British, their polluted Isles, or their unforgivingly bad food.  The book is merely letters written back-and-forth across the Atlantic after WWII and before the rise of Nixon's Southern Strategy.

Ah dear reader, but how brilliant was the author, who showcased her own wit (and, in Frodo's opinion, her weakness), by corresponding with the staff of a bookstore somewhere in the stovepipes of London.  Over time, the correspondents, who had never met, got to know each other, and the reader, including you should you so choose, learned a lot about people struggling out of the changes wrought by War.  Frodo learned, from the written words, that most of the Londoners existed on a meatless diet, well into the middle part of the 1950's.  The destruction of War was so great that it changed their lives long after the killing ceased.

Frodo discussed the book with Sam, and learned that the movie, in typical Hollywood license, ended differently.  Frodo is glad he read the book; it has a more appropriate ending.  Frodo also probably got a little appreciation for the "Greatest Generation" of the Brits.  Lest he again revert to his prior opinion, he also hopes that Hugh Grant is never cast in such a role.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:00 PM EDT
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Sunday, July 6, 2008
He Wore a Black Leather Jacket And Motorcycle Boots
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: "Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)

To say that a fundamental behavioral change is underway in America is an understatement of fact.  Skyrocketing costs for energy, transportation, basic goods and services, and recreation have an impact on how people spend, save, invest, and worry.  Frodo was thinking heady thoughts as he and Sam returned from several days of "r & r" at Lake Lovey, joined by their faithful companions Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog.  It took Sam however to properly spin the observable, thereby extending Frodo the opportunity to pontificate as they drove merrily along the byways in their motor car.

Frodo has likened motorcyclists to women seated at the same table in a dining establishment.  They cannot do anything alone.  Frodo breaks into an apoplectic fit when he observes motorcycles ahead, always more than a half dozen at a time, spaced far enough apart that they cannot be safely passed on any two-lane road.  Invariably, when Frodo is identified, the motorcyclists further decrease their collective speed to a level unacceptably below the posted requirements.  Frodo is forced to wait, and Frodo finds himself growing increasingly less patient with events that fall beyond his control.

Frodo was considering the economics of the present situation while eating the dust of one such group of miscreants this day.  Likely it is that the high-mileage available to motorcyclists will further plague Frodo's solitude in days to come.  As he pondered, and displayed his curmudgeon-like tendencies, Frodo heard Sam comment on the physical make-up of the imitation "bandits" and "angels" in his path.

"You know, Mr. Frodo, when I was younger, we would look at motorcyclists as something very masculine, and romantic.  James Dean and Peter Fonda are both examples of what we young Hobbits would see whenever a lone motorcycle roared into the distance of the open road."

"The romance is gone now, is that your point?," asked Frodo.

"Just look at those guys, Mr. Frodo.  They have round faces, scruffy beards, shapeless torsos, and they are wrapped in cheap cordovan leather.  Even if one were even half-way good-looking, there'd be no way to tell.  It is so uni-sex, that girls can't be identified except when riding behind the 'pilot'."

Frodo took note.  Frodo is always gleeful when he is the best-looking Hobbit in the room; or on the road.  Sam has a way of making Frodo less curmudgeon-like.  Perhaps it is a gift.

Now where is that CD, "Born to be Wild"? 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:55 PM EDT
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Friday, July 4, 2008
I Got The Rockin' Pneumonia And The Boogy-Woogy Blues
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: "One More Round" (4)

"Saint Peter, Sergeant Frodo here.  You know, at the Sign-in Desk."

"Yes, Sergeant Frodo, you've been doing an excellent job.  What can I do for you?"

"Well Sir, we're having a little problem down here, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for your help."

"What seems to be the probem?"

"Well Sir, there's this new guy here, and he doesn't seem to agree with his room assignment."

"Okay, is he an upper or a lower berth assignee?"


"Well, why not just assign him to an escort by an archangel all the way down to the River Styx?"

"I tried that Sir, but he refused to cooperate without my personal assurance that his roommate would be a white, conservative, heterosexual American citizen."

"Well, I fail to see the problem.  Surely that fits the description of almost all those assigned to the Underworld?"

"Yes Sir, that is correct.  However, the problem is that his conduct while on the small, blue planet was not consistent with someone who has the option to pick his own roommate."

"I see, so this must either be a child molester or a member of the Bush Administration?"

"Actually Sir, even worse, it is Jesse Helms."

"Jesse Helms!  You mean that ill-mannered, egotistical, homophobic, racist ignoramus that ran the Senate Judiciary Committee while 'serving' the people of North Carolina?"

"One and the same."

"You know, Mr. Frodo, I've been waiting on this one for a long, long time.  Jesse Helms became the proof that the 'good die young,' wouldn't you agree?"

"Indeed I do.  What would you like me to do?"

Saint Peter smiled.

"How about telling Mr. Helms that he'll meet his eternal roommmate on the specific instructions of 'The Big Guy.'"

"You mean?"

"Yes, I'll assign him to Plato."

"Mickey Mouses' dog was gay?"

"No Mr. Frodo, I'm talking about the Greek philosopher."

"Gosh Saint Peter, I was sort of hoping for somebody else."

"Like whom?"

"How about a black guy like Sammy Davis, Junior?"

"Well, that's not bad, but I was thinking about someone who would keep him up at night wondering, you know?"

"How about Liberace?"

"Bingo.  He'll never close his eyes around that guy."

"A wise decision Sir.  This'll probably get you re-elected." 




Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:52 PM EDT
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Saturday, June 28, 2008
Reflections of The Way Life Used To Be
Mood:  blue
Topic: "Delano" (4)

Although never a member of the Fellowship, Delano has always been a special friend to Frodo, and to Sam.  Whereas Frodo was ambitious and curious, Delano was fun-loving, and charming.  Delano has always been, and with all due apologies to the feminine gender herein, the guy who could charm the pants off of any woman.  History is a guide.

Today Frodo returned from an overnight in reunion at Lake Lovey, with an old friend.  Fish were caught by Frodo's guile, and flames gently touched the garlic sauce, which dripped onto the charcoal, which browned the tender insides of the meal made for erstwhile kings.  Stories long legend where re-told and laughter long forgotten was recalled.  Frodo dropped a lime into the clear bottle, and offered one to his friend, but the offer was uncharacteristically rebuffed.

Lines were cast deep into the darkness, and continued until Frodo's friend surprisingly urged a return to the comfort of bed and hearth ashore.  Aland, Frodo found himself reaching out to grasp the arm, and to steady his friends' step as they climbed to the lights above the berth of the Minnow.  Once settled beneath the stars, and beside the citonella candles which guard against the most devilish of intruders, Delano lit a cigarette, and exhaled deep into the night sky.  Frodo was quizzical, but before he could offer comment, Delano spoke to his old friend.

"Frodo, I cannot drink, because of medication.  I cannot make love to even the grandest conquest of my life.  I have but one pleasure left, and it is mine to enjoy, as I have always done.  Let me say that the pain I have experienced has been more severe than any wound from any sword, and the intensity has been such that on many occasions, I have considered the only remedy."

Frodo tried to respond, but Delano continued, telling him that his life's partner had taken charge of all firearms, and had put them beyond his reach.  He told Frodo that the suffering had eased, and that he had found ways to adapt which no longer made the final remedy seem a matter of implementation, much less timing.

In the morn the two dropped line again, and Delano matched Frodo's catch of the evening past.  It was a matter of attainment for Delano, and of silent joy for Frodo.  Frodo was increasingly aware that many of the most bawdy and baudacious moments in his life had centered around the outrageous and unrepentant character who sailed this day with Frodo, and Mick, the Wonder Dog.  Wisdom teaching Frodo that all would probably not gather again in celebration as they did when Delano landed that struggling panfish at Lake Lovey. 

Frodo drove home, recalling the final words of Augustus to Woodrow, which befit the soliloquoy of those who have lived life as they wished, and who face its exit without regret.   

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:27 PM EDT
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Monday, June 23, 2008
Living In A Modern World
Mood:  irritated
Topic: "Float Yer Boat" (4)

Several years ago, Frodo coveted a small pontoon boat he'd noticed sitting on a vacant lot near Lake Lovey.  Many times he'd genuflected in Sam's presence about how neatly it would serve the Hobbits and their canine adjutants.  Sam, ever sensitive to the needs of Mr. Frodo, noticed a "For Sale" sign on the property, and, unknown to Frodo, called the absentee owner.  The absentee owner, of course, was more interested in selling the vacant lot than he was the pontoon boat.  Sam, depressed, decided that that was that, and the effort was concluded.

Some months later, Sam received a telephone call from the absentee owner, who informed Sam that he had sold the property, and, if Sam were still interested, he would sell the pontoon boat.  Sam then divulged the situation to Frodo, who was, in a word, delirious.  Frodo and Sam then made arrangements to meet with the owner, and to strike a deal.  For months afterward, every Hobbit in the area inquired about the pontoon boat, only to learn that good Sam had beaten them to the punch.  Frodo was a very happy Hobbit.

Dubbed the "S.S. Minnow," Hobbits and canines, roughly equivalent to characters named Ginger, the Professor, Gilligan, the Skipper, Mary Ann, and Mrs. Howell, quickly found adequate space in order to float on a barge fit for Cleopatra herself.  When not fully-occupied, the Minnow served Frodo and friends for piscatorial adventures with rod, reel, and curious noses.  It has been Frodo's proudest capital asset.

During the prolonged drought in the areas about the Shire, dangerously-low water levels have exposed sharp-ended rocks to the bottom of the Minnow.  Several times, Frodo has found at least one of the pontoons filled with water, and the pontoon boat in danger of sinking.  Applying his questionable motor skills to problems of this nature is a study in futility.  Frodo is indeed, a lover, not a fighter; at least in instances such as this.

The crux of the problem has been that the pontoon boat, more than 30 years old, is no longer manufactured in the size and format of the Minnow.  Frodo is unable to simply buy a new pontoon, replace the leaky one, and go on about his business.  Further, he learned, aluminum is not easily patched, with solder or by any other process.  There are few substances which will adhere to aluminum and remain.  Frodo grew weary of draining the leaky pontoon every time he wanted to float the boat, so to speak.

The miracle of the Internet served Frodo once again.  His friend, Mr. Google, told him that a potential chemical product could be found at the sports megalith which sits inconveniently on Lake Lanier, many miles from the Shire.  Frodo scrimped and saved in order to afford sufficient gasoline to provide transportation to the retail establishment.  When at last he wandered into the arms of the waiting salesperson, he was introduced to an epoxy substance which apparently addressed all his needs.  Frodo was ecstatic.

Frodo visited Lake Lovey this past weekend, and set about the repairs on the Minnow.  When he opened the epoxy, he found that it bore a significant resemblance to what one might label as C-4 Explosive.  It was a gooey, malleable substance not quite as user-friendly as modelling clay.  Frodo was instructed to mold the substance for several minutes, then to spread over punctures within "9-to-14 minutes," since the substance quickly begins to harden.  Sam was worried, fearing that Mr. Frodo was about to adjoin himself to a pontoon, or perhaps, even worse, leave Mick, the Wonder Dog, as an attachment to the Minnow itself.

Somehow, things seemed to work well.  Frodo identified several small punctures, and patched each.  The epoxy seemed to properly set, harden, and to hold.  The test will be how the Minnow holds while tied to Frodo's dock of the bay.

Although Frodo is very proud of himself for, perhaps, having dealt with an insoluble problem on his own, his mood is better described as grumpy because of the need for all this activity in the first place. 

Huck and Tom had it better.   All they had to contend with was Injun Joe.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:54 PM EDT
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