Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Thursday, March 4, 2010

It Takes Two Baby
Mood:

vegas lucky
Topic: "Double Deal" (6)

Just about the time Frodo begins to exhibit concern about the state of the world, something comes along to remind him that the opposition, although loyal, is just about the dumbest collection of characters on God's green earth. By that, Frodo does not dwell on Karl Rove's assertion that the Bush Administration would "probably not" have gone to war in Iraq had they known there were no "weapons of mass destruction." Rather, it is the unbelievable antics of a nondescript Congressman who is about to slip into the state of ignominy that he has truly earned.

Nathan Deal, once a Democrat, but now a Republican, announced YESTERDAY that he was resigning his seat in the US House of Representatives in order to concentrate on his race for the position of Governor, in his home state of Georgia. TODAY however, Representative Deal announced a change of plans so that he could adequately represent the opinions of his constituents in looming climactic votes on healthcare reform.

Between these polar positions there stands a conversation with the National Republican Party, which asserted that they were "unaware" of Representative Deal's initial decision.

Representative Deal, it should be added, denies the allegations of his political enemies that he directed federal contracts towards businesses controlled by family members.

Frodo is struck by the changing of times down South. He remembers when his father would only buy a Zenith TV or a Pontiac motorcar. It was as if there were a vested interest between company and consumer, and by supporting one religiously there was a level of quality assurance to be assumed, forever. Now, there are Congressmen everywhere who were "one thing before they became another," and, not unlike the former presidential aspirant now mocked, "they were for it before they were against it."

It is very likely that healthcare reform will pass and soon be signed by the President of the United States. It is also likely that Nathan Deal will not only fail to win the governorship in Georgia, but he will lose the nomination of his own (now) party. He will also, of course, be out-of-luck should he, again, decide to withdraw from his congressional position. The only negative that Frodo evaluates from this turn of events is that there will be one more unemployed person in America, and he will be named Nathan Deal.

Some days, good things happen when you least expect it.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:56 PM EST

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Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Strangerthan fiction"(6)

As discussed several days ago, the Speaker of the Georgia House of Representatives was forced to resign when his wife publicly disclosed his infidelity. Glenn Richardson, necessarily also represented a segment of Paulding County, Georgia, in the State House. A special election was held to replace Richardson, and what transpired from the electorate is almost difficult to explain.

Daniel Stout, a 29 year-old community banker, won a three-way election in the heavily-Republican electoral area. The election was decided by less than 5 percent of the county's voters. This, despite the fact that Stout was forced to explain the affair, which took place ten years ago, with his mother-in-law, while he was still married to her daughter. Stout, it should be noted, is a supporter of anti-choice legislation, smaller government, and lower taxes.

A representative of the local "Right to Life," and a mother of six, said she supported Stout in the election because she's been impressed by his solid second marriage. She dismissed the affair as a mistake of youth.

Stout did remarry in 2005 and he remains close to the daughter from that first marriage. The identity and the age of the daughter's mother was not disclosed.

Frodo is taking bets.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 7:47 PM EST

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Monday, March 1, 2010

You Better Take Care of Business Mr. Businessman
Mood:

down
Topic: "What Goes Around" (6)

Saint George, the subject of a discussion some months ago, is he who involved Frodo in the annual bell-ringing in behalf of the Salvation Army. He is one of the kindest, most community-minded individuals that Frodo has ever known. He participates in the annual census of the homeless in Atlanta, and can always be counted upon to offer time and service to worthy causes.

More than a year ago, Saint George and his Honey had scheduled a vacation cruise commencing in Chile, circling the South American continent, and ending in Miami. The beginning leg of their journey was a flight from Atlanta to Santiago, where they would spend a night or two in a hotel and spend the free day touring the charm of the city, before boarding ship.

The trip began innocently enough, and after their arrival and check-in at their hotel, the good people decided to take a walk out the front door of the hotel in order to get their body clocks in operation. Not ten feet outside, Honey was knocked to the pavement by a thief absconding with her handbag. The result was a broken hip, ribs, and significant, unidentifiable pain in her lumbar region. She was rushed to a hospital, and spent the next five days in intensive care, rather than beneath an umbrella on the deck of a cruise ship. The refugee from justice escaped.

Honey still limps noticeably, according to Saint George, and she is generally confined to a wheelchair. Sometimes, thinks Frodo, bad things do happen to good people.

Frodo has been watching the devastation and the carnage surrounding the earthquake and tsunami which has stricken Chile. Frodo knows that neither Saint George nor Honey share his feelings this evening, but he can't help but hope that something bad has happened to that jerk that caused so much pain.

Frodo, too, is imperfect. He is merely a Hobbit.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:06 PM EST

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Sunday, February 28, 2010

Devil Or Angel? I Can't Make Up My Mind.
Mood:

chatty
Topic: "It's A Trap" (6)

There is a debate tonight in the sovereign State of Mississippi, in order for the student body at Ole Miss to determine whether or not to replace "Colonel Reb" as mascot of the school's sports teams. Despite the "political correctness" of the decision, it struck Fropo's fancy that some true soul-searching was evident whence he noted the competition.

Admiral Ackbar, the fishy-faced rebel commander from the original "Star Wars" movie was supported by students who felt that the movie score would provide an outstanding back drop for halftime.

Sir William Wallace, the rebel Scot commander portrayed by Mel Gibson in "Braveheart," who also tends to be the namesake of more than one Scottish-descended Confederate.

Spartacus, the commanding leader of a slave revolt against mighty Rome, portrayed by Kirk Douglas in the movie of the same name.

Vince Everett, the rebellious character portrayed by Elvis Presley in the movie, "Jailhouse Rock," who might also offer a few tunes for halftime.

Appropriate it is, thought Frodo, that the audio and the visual art form are the apparent sources for the distinguished nominees. What bothers him however, is that "Spartacus," for example, was produced in 1960, meaning therefore that votes were submitted by "students" as old as 60.

Is it any wonder that the Ole Miss sports teams suck?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 7:18 PM EST

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Saturday, February 27, 2010

Oh Bla Di, Oh Bla Da, Life Goes On
Mood:

lucky
Topic: "Change a'comin" (5)

First there was the Goddess Athena, then she who was to be known as Merry, followed by Ted (who sailed with Odysseus), and others who happened upon the words of he who personified the Hobbit. Thus was born by suggestion he whose words, thoughts, and deeds, are chronicled upon the miasma of that which was once papyrus. The morrow will change a single number, as the tales of the Hobbit rapidly approach 1000 in total. The number, he supposes, will continue to grow.

It has been suggested that a "Best of Frodo'" would offer potential commercial success. Noted also is the desire by many Texans and other borderline lunatics to eradicate all trace of the offal which offends their sensitivities. What neither seem to realize is that the Hobbit is merely the most ancient of those who first walked upright, and gathered about a fire, to share warmth and to tell stories. Stories which brought laughter and tears to the camaraderie of those who struggled through each night in the simple hope to merely greet another morning.

One of those in the Fellowship told Frodo that he spent three hours one day simply reading the most current entry, and then the one prior to that, and so on. At that point he attempted to document the subject matter, for future reference. His conclusion was that, not unlike the words of Forrest Gump, one will never know what one gets in Frodo's box of chocolates, if, indeed, anything at all. It is that diversity which maintains the interest of the Hobbit himself, and allows him to open his soul to those similarly fixated by the infinite combinations of the written word.

There are great struggles before the Hobbit and the Fellowship, but he refuses to allow threat to dominate his attention to the footfalls which mark his journeys. He is fortunate that some choose to join him with sword and shield abreast to confront the power of the Ring. It is not for them alone that he composes, rather it is for himself, and the smiles that he sees in his mind's eye, from those who share the firelight.

Happy Birthday to us all, ye good and gentle souls.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:51 AM EST

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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I Get Down On My Knees And Pray, We Won't Be Fooled Again
Mood:

irritated
Topic: "Tiger By The Tail" (5)

Frodo is acquainted with a "Groupie." She collects autographs. Frodo knows this because, as a gift, she gave him several signatures which, she thought, would be impressive to him and perhaps someday of pecuniary value. From time-to-time Frodo fingers through his inventory noting the primary presence of professional athletes and concert performers (Frodo divulging only that the names Presley, Simpson, and Woods are absent). Most recently, he considered the collection after listening to the CBS Evening News devote twelve minutes of broadcast time to the "Confessions of Tiger Woods," at the beginning of the show.

Frodo was struck by the commentary from one of the Woods' "conquests" who noted that "Tiger" had apologized to everyone except those in her particular grouping. She attempted to relate the rehabilitation process undergone by Mr. Woods as somewhat similar to the "twelve-step process" in which those addicted to alcoholic beverages participate. Her point being that the "addict" must first apologize to everyone

Frodo has not heard anyone make the point that the "Groupies" are everywhere, and that those in public life fall to temptation due to sheer volume, at least occasionally. Frodo has often thought about the distinction between "conquest" and "gift-giving." Cocktail waitresses, at least those in the acquaintance of Mr. Woods, surely, must be blessed, because of their proclivity to instill gifts upon those with whom they can share a few moments of fame, and perhaps receive an autograph. Frodo likes to feel that, as a virtual unknown, he earned it, the old fashioned-way(regretting only that he failed to work even harder in times past).

Frodo wandered into the subject-area not because he advocates or decries the "treatment" offered the apologetic protagonist, but because he wonders about the psyche of those who see themselves as innocents in the process. Some fruit falls from the branch before it is plucked, he supposes.

Wanna bet there isn't a political message in here somewhere?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:49 PM EST

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Thursday, February 18, 2010

I've Got a Brand New Pair Of Roller Skates, You've Got a Brand New Key
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Another Three-namer"(5)

"Commissioner Frodo, I would like to express my appreciation for your willingness to testify before this Committee, investigating the performance and subsequent recall of Toyota automotive products. . ."

"Uh, Senator Useless (R-GA), excuse me, but I am not here to testify about Toyota, or any other automotive issue."

"Oh, pardon me, Commissioner, I'm afraid that I got my teleprompter notes confused, I realize that you're here to discuss the Public Option. . ."

"Senator, I'm the Commissioner of Internal Revenue."

"Well, what are you doing here in this Healthcare Committee hearing? Is this another effort by the Administration to. . ."

"Senator, unless I am mistaken, this Hearing, which your office initiated, is intended to gather information about the events of this past Thursday in Austin, Texas."

"What happened?"

"That's why we're here."

"Why is that?"

"Senator, perhaps you'd like to consult with the Minority Chair, Senator Dimwit (R-SC), as to the purpose of this Hearing?"

A slight pause while a conversation takes place away from the microphones.

"I see now, Commissioner Frodo, you're here to help those of us concerned about America's security figure out exactly who this terrorist was that destroyed Federal Property in Austin, and what we can do to see that this Administration begins to do something about these threats to the safety of the American people."

"If that's your purpose, so be it Senator, but let me say that there is no evidence to support this tragedy as anything approaching anything other than the act of a person deranged."

"Hmph, I assume, Commissioner, that you've read the document prepared by Mr. Andrew Joseph Stack which he posted on the Internet prior to his alleged attack on the Austin District Office of the IRS?"

"I have read the document, Senator."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Is it true?"

"Is what true? There are more than 5,000 rambling words in the statement."

"Commissioner, you know damn well, that this letter was a cry for help by another Middle-Class American put upon by an oppressive giant behemoth called the Federal Government."

"Senator, I could not begin to speculate on the motivation of this individual, and, as you know, I am unable to comment on any knowledge I may or may not have about the dealings the IRS may or may not have had previously with Mr. Stack."

"Say what? You mean you won't tell this Committee what the Government did to drive this poor man to such an insane act? Is this another act of "transparency" under President Obama?"

"Senator, the Congress of the United States, in its wisdom, has issued laws and regulations which specifically prohibit any IRS employee from commenting on the tax affairs of any individual, absent the written approval of the taxpayer himself."

"Even if the taxpayer is dead?"

"That is correct."

"Well, that's a damn dumb law."

"Senator, since all of the tax laws and regulations under the Internal Revenue Code are initiated in Congress, it is probably impolitic of you to criticize your own work without accepting the blame for the confusion, the complexity, and the unfairness thereof. In the Shire, one might say that it would be fitting for the "fox to smell his own hole first'."

"The Committee thanks the Commissioner. . ."

"Senator, one more thing if you please, there is nothing keeping you from releasing information about who this guy was, and what his problems were."

The Senator's bad knee was bothering him, so he exited the Hearing Room without further comment.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:23 PM EST

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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

You And I Must Make a Pact
Mood:

crushed out
Topic: "Somethin' Borrowed"(5)

Frodo sometimes has a lot to say, but the placement of words into the paperless compositions that confront the ocular seemingly lessen the content of the intent. The result is maddening silence. Occasionally, Frodo will himself be confronted by something so profound in its creation that he, once again, has to stand in silent, maddening, awe. The result is this new trick.

What follows is one entire exact quotation from a book entitled "The Kite Runner." It was the first book written by Khaled Hosseini, although it was his second, read by the Hobbit. For a million reasons, it is a novel you should read, and not try to make into something other than what it is.

The music you hear in the background is the humming of the Hobbit.

"We saw our first Western together, RIO BRAVO, with John Wayne, at the Cinema Park, across the street from my favorite bookstore. I remember begging Baba to take us to Iran so we could meet John Wayne. Baba burst out in gales of his deep-throated laughter--a sound not unlike a truck engine revving up--and, when he could talk again, explained to us the concept of voice dubbing. Hassan and I were stunned. Dazed. John Wayne didn't really speak Farsi and he wasn't Iranian! He was American, just like the friendly, longhaired men and women we always saw hanging around in Kabul, dressed in their tattered, brightly colored shirts. We saw RIO BRAVO three times, but we saw our favorite Western, THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN, thirteen times. With each viewing, we cried at the end when the Mexican kids buried Charles Bronson--who, as it turned out, wasn't Iranian either."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:35 PM EST

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Friday, February 12, 2010

Everytime I Tried To Tell You The Words Just Came Out Wrong
Mood:

mischievious
Topic: "Read All About It" (5)

"Man Destroys TVs in Wal-Mart Bat Attack."

Frodo was thrilled at the headline in the Metro Section of the once-great, now-sorry, ATLANTA JOURNAL-CONSTITUTION.

In his mind's eye, Frodo envisioned a story whereby the Lords of Bentonville had unknowingly constructed a megalith over the entrance to a cave which harbored millions of hibernants. Imagine if, dare he say it, they were fruit bats, and the story would go on to explain how the "greeter" at the front of the store had been overwhelmed by a storm of uninvited "window shoppers" and the result had been the destruction of the entire store supply of HDTV's by tons of bat poop. Frodo would have paid for admission to the claims presentation by store management to the insurance company underwriters.

Alternatively, the story might have been about some member of the Tea Bag Party who was attacked by the store mascot, i.e. the Wal-Mart Bat, and who destroyed hundreds of TVs attempting to escape from another lunatic in a clown suit. Frodo dreamed of his make-believe role as Officer Frodo attempting to present charges for malicious mischief to a wary judge.

What he didn't expect to read, given the wording of the headline, was that a miscreant named Wesley Strellis, 23, of Gwinnett County Georgia (home to the "Runaway Bride," the "Barbie Banditos," and the attempted assassin of Larry Flynt) had calmly walked into his local Wal-Mart, selected a baseball bat from the Sporting Goods section, and proceeded to smash the daylights out of every TV on display. At "press time," there had been no information available as to the motivation for the alleged destruction of more than $22,000 worth of televisions.

Frodo would argue "justifiable self-defense" in Mr. Strellis' behalf if, as is often the case, all the TVs had all been tuned into FOX News. No rational person could withstand that much bat shit.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 4:26 PM EST

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Thursday, February 11, 2010

Sometimes We'll Sigh, Sometimes We'll Cry
Mood:

caffeinated
Topic: "Healthcare for Frodo"(5)

Benzedrine, or "Bennies" as they were known in the day, was used to assist struggling scholars somnambulate through the third exam in only two days. Everyone has heard the story of the "other guy" who dropped his pencil on the floor, and spent the remainder of the available time on the floor, contemplating how the pencil could once again assume its rightful position in his hand. Frodo heard the story too, and it is one of the reasons he never tried the stuff. Besides, his Old Man would've killed him.

Frodo is not ashamed to surprise everyone and admit that even as an offspring of the era, he didn't do anything like that (of course, he did everything else imaginable, except land an airplane on an aircraft carrier). Frodo enjoyed the more temporal pleasures, and he did his best to become an artiste.

In 1965, Frodo was administered anesthesia. As much as he'd like to profess that surgery was required in order to salve wounds suffered in arguing against another unjust war, it was actually of assistance in correcting the "deviated septum" with which he had been born. This is relevant only because this past Monday encompassed another anesthesia injection, and helped to convince Frodo that it will be at least another 45 years before he gets wasted in that format, voluntarily.

Frodo has long believed that there have been no white, American, males admitted to medical practice since 1965. In fact, in some "specialties" the practitioners are even more segregated. It has been Frodo's experience that every gastroenterologist whom he has ever met was a Jewish guy named Cohen. Everyone was at least a foot shorter than the Hobbit, and weighed fifty pounds more. In truth, every one was married to a "Jewish American Princess" whose mother stalked the unwitting medical student until he relented and married her daughter. Of note is the fact that Frodo has also never seen a gastoenterologist smile, and perhaps the imagination is a better producer of straight lines than the Hobbit at this juncture.

Frodo had never undergone a colonoscopy, which has been the reason behind the sincere and intense haranguing in recent days by a bevy of associates. Frodo was referred to a guy he had never met, and when Frodo was wheeled into the "medical facility," he was greeted by a smiling Italian, named Tranchina. Frodo should have known to ask for a fat Jew.

When Frodo came to, Sam was beside him. The "procedure," scheduled for no more than 30 minutes, lasted more than 50. It seems that the hacking cough which plagued Frodo throughout January was somehow re-energized by the presence of anesthesia, and Frodo had hacked his way through the entire procedure, and the staff were somewhat concerned about the "restricted airway" which resulted. In all, Frodo came to with no knowledge of what had transpired, except for the fact that he felt pretty funky.

Frodo has developed a "dry" cough that is accentuated in moments of excitement or mild exercise. As long as he stays close to cough medicine, which is a narcotic he supposes, he is slowly regaining normalcy.

By the by, all that was discovered was a 'medium-sized" polyp, "way back up in there," and appropriate slides are being pored over by scientists who do not get paid enough for what they do, every single day.

Georgia, a laughingstock by most measures against other parts of America, does require that health insurance providers include the colonoscopy as a part of every policy they write. That doesn't mean they are cheap, it just means that you can get one easy enough.

Frodo is not ashamed to document this instance of "public enema number one" for all his friends and followers. He hopes that all will take advantage of a service which helps fight premature demise, even if, sometimes, the cure is like Timothy Leary on steroids.

Frodo hopes you will be there when he next returns to utilize the services of Dr. Tranchina--in 45 years.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:52 PM EST

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