Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Monday, January 26, 2015

The Games People Play Now, Every Night and Every Day now
Mood:

chillin'
Topic: "Panic Attack"(10)

Cross the lane from the gardens of the Shire and there are hobbits rarely mentioned. They work very hard at what they do, and have little time to visit with Frodo. The youngest occasionally helps Frodo in his landscaping efforts, for pay of course, and his sister always waves as she meanders out to school, part-time work, and other tasks which furl beyond Frodo's realm. The parents are always smiling but rarely talkative. The peaceful abode was struck earlier this week by lots of blinking lights and emergency vehicles, causing Frodo to experience the curiosity of the neighbor and the fear of the unknown.

When daylight spread its gossamer wings Frodo found an excuse to rake leaves and perform other mid-winter tasks by the lane. Many hours passed with nary a sign of life or disturbance. Finally, mid-afternoon brought the parents in their motor car to home, and to stop by the obviously inquisitive neighbor Frodo. They expressed chagrin and apology for bringing disturbance to the Shire, knowing that Frodo cared not of such things, but that he was indeed worried about their misadventure.

When Frodo reported to Sam, he inquired "What is a panic attack?" Sam explained while Frodo attempted to assimilate the extensive monologue. Stress, it seems, brought a respiratory challenge to the health and happiness of the handsome and fit young lady. Emergency medical personnel came to the rescue and spent many hours helping re-establish an even keel for her to manage. Sam felt that the crisis was not uncommon but often signaled the need for a few moments away from the turmoil of each and every day.

Frodo has thought a great deal about what he learned this day. 22 veterans daily return to civilian life and promptly commit suicide. Families are torn asunder by bipolar reactions to daily life crises and challenges. Medications are so much a part of existence that they lose their effectiveness and potentially create problems never previously conceived by man or hobbit. Proof, it is, that ignorance is not a cure; it is a cause.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:55 AM EST

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Friday, January 23, 2015

Writing Love Letters in the Sand
Mood:

energetic
Topic: "Christian Balls"(10)

Frodo still roots for the college sports team with the best academic record. Harvard, to Frodo, would, for example, get the nod over Alabama, as would Virginia over Baylor. This comes to mind because of the current controversy over the inflation (or lack thereof) of footballs by certain persons affiliated with the New England Patriots of the National Football League. It seems as if no one has ever planned in order to deal fairly with those accused of hanky-panky in contests of sport. Not since the days of gladitorial combat in ancient Rome has anyone decided that simply chopping off the head of a miscreant is an acceptable tonic. Perhaps in this most recent case of apparent misbehavior corporal punishment could be linked to the crime itself. Cutting off Tom Brady's balls may deter future miscreants.

Carson-Newman college is a Baptist institution beyond Knoxville in eastern Tennessee. Frodo noted in today's "Broken News" that the college has established a new sports team. "Sand volleyball" ("Beach volleyball" is the Olympic sport which arouses Frodo's interest every fourth year, and Frodo naturally assumes that the difference is in the nomenclature) will expand collegiate competition to now include the couple of thousand Baptists abutting the shores of Cherokee Lake. Not only is Frodo having difficulty imagining the competitors (Carson-Newman vs. Southern Cal?), he is wondering about the uniforms of the conservatively-clad Protestantics. Noting the quandary created by the soft balls of Tom Brady, Frodo is suggesting that certain conduct standards be maintained by the participants in the race for future championship titles.

Female participants will be blind-folded. Aspirin will be held tightly between their knees at all times. Uniform design must not include pants. Shorts or Spandex is strictly prohibited.

All competition will take place in locales with average temperatures below 40 degrees Fahrenheit.

Game balls will be baptized.

Waiver of all rights assumed by Roe-v-Wade.

Saltpeter tablets administered orally.

Conduct code violations will be require memorization of the video presentation entitled "Complete speeches of Senator Jodi Ernst".

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:30 PM EST

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Monday, January 19, 2015

Gonna Love Me In My Chevy Van
Mood:

lazy
Topic: "Broken News"(10)

This evening Frodo was subjected to an important news flash from friend Wolf of CNN. It was so important that even Frodo, fresh of mind and spirit, is unable to recall the subject matter. What he has noted however is that there seems to be a whole lot more "breaking news" these days, and that is probably the reason why he cannot recall what was so important. What bothers him truly is the fact that it was the same story Wolf had reported as "breaking news" last Wednesday. If not, howcum Frodo was able to recite the words simultaneously with the crack international reporter?

Frodo has decided to make a change on behalf of CNN. From this time forward the crack international reporter will be known as "Woof." The result being that Dandy, again asleep upon the foot of his troubled master, will be able to introduce the crack international reporter every time he proffers a piece of "broken news" (headlines in the past tense if you will).

Note, dear reader, that you have been treated to a third commentary by Frodo in the passage of time since last Wednesday. That, perhaps, is also broken news. It probably reflects upon the fact that Frodo is just beginning to get his Mojo back.

Dandy is thrilled.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:18 PM EST

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Sunday, January 18, 2015

I'm Not Missing You At All
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "In Dog We Trust" (10)

For an extra $1 drivers in the State of Georgia may purchase and attach a sticker to the license plate on their motor cars. The sticker fits neatly over the county of registration. It reads "In God We Trust." The significance eludes Frodo.

Drivers, for the most part, in the State of Georgia do suck. Frodo has opined that perhaps the sticker is a silent prayer of sorts. If so Frodo understands that we all need a bit of a helping hand whenever venturing onto the interstates slicing throughout the Peach State. It is also possible that the reference is a political statement whereby the driver asserts his dominion over the rules of the road. Then again it may simply be that a public employee may have thought that it was one more way to increase the public weal without anybody realizing. After all, who wants to admit that they don't trust the big guy?

Frodo found his answer in a recent newspaper item. It seems that the Commissioners of Pinellas County in Florida decided that it would be in their best interest to expand the concept to the administrative offices of the county. So they ordered, paying more than $500, for a new rug in the entranceway, and directed that it be designed around the suspect phrase. Unfortunately, a slight error occurred and the phrase featured a misspelling. It read "In Dog We Trust."

If you are wondering about the subject matter herein, or the timing thereto, simply note that the rug remains in place as we speak, because nobody noticed.

Dandy is smiling from the floor beneath the feet of Frodo.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:09 PM EST

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Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Boston Ain't Your Kind of Town
Mood:

suave
Topic: "Je suis Frodo"(10)

Solemnly munching his Freedom Fries Frodo wondered about his future, indeed our future. He remembers his father once telling him that the French were the most fearless of fighters, because they were fighting for their homeland upon their homeland. Then he listened as dishonest and ignorant neo cons cajoled the French for failing to join them in their war against everyone with whom they disagreed. Now he reads of the historical collapse of the French Colonial Empire at a place called Dien Bien Phu and the birth of something called the "domino theory." All of this he notes occurred in the days that followed Frodo's first steps in Middle Earth. It is not, coincidental, if you will.

It surprises Frodo not at all that the French are much like the Men of Gondor or the Riders of Rohan who independently battle the forces of the Ring. When, finally, they begin to join together against the greater Evil they find themselves facing Orcs whose very cognomen suggests a disdain for knowledge. Frodo calls them the "Ho Ho Koran".

In the Shire the tendency is to express contempt if not pure superiority over artists and sculptors. In response the French have been rude and most concerned about the continuation of month-long vacations. Frodo has been waiting for the inevitable conclusion that a wall must be built to protect the culture that is France.

There are 5 million in France identified as ethnically-challenged. This compares to 500,000 thousand Jewish who fear for their lives as a separate entity and who now consider solace in the land promised. The housing needed in that circumstance exceeds the agreements now in place, thereby threatening the peace to an even greater degree. Clear it is that the Ring is still at hand, worn by any who act independent of all the peoples of Middle Earth. They march in darkness.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 1:11 PM EST

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Thursday, December 11, 2014

Don't Be Cruel
Mood:

irritated
Topic: "Confusion Reigns"(10)

Frodo believes that Alzheimer's is an outgrowth of the Internet. During the span in question he has changed "servers," "passwords," "user ID's," and countless other security devices on multiple and numerous occasions. The result being that he is no longer able to distinguish one from the other, and he is unable to recall when, or even if, he made any of the alterations to his "profile." Additionally, observations follow.

Some inhabitants of Middle Earth have televisions that can be moved anywhere, according to their wildly amusing commercials, and they have no need for the cords which spin madly beneath Frodo's personal computer. Frodo obviously does not qualify for this level of service.

Some of Frodo's neighbors have "high definition" pictures on their television screens. Frodo has a tree in his next door neighbor's yard which obstructs the necessary satellite which is sufficient for "regular" service, but not for HDTV.

Frodo has used the same e-mail address for so long that he is apparently totally overlooked by the "hackers". Recently, he had his personal computer check-up, only to find that it had been more than 458 days since his "malware detector" had run a security scan which identified the presence of these miniature land mines.

Passwords will be the death of Frodo. Smeagol has apparently created a thousand million passwords and placed them each on small pieces of paper and placed them all within the confines of Frodo's wallet. There is no other logical explanation for more than five of any of these nonsensical conglomerations of letters and numbers which are beyond the definition of utility.

Finally, there are electronic machines, all of which seemed to serve a distinct purpose in times past, which when now called upon seem to no longer possess either instructions or any definition of operational credence. This past evening, Frodo broke down in tears while attempting to playback a DVD movie which required three separate remote controls, a VCR, and another device which blinked off-and-on without apparent purpose. Sam, thank heavens, rescued the Hobbit once again.

Frodo does not have a complex telephone. He does however seem to have a battery which has devised its own language, and borders on system collapse whenever Frodo may be rash enough to consider putting the device into use. Frodo would like to swear here and now that he will never "upgrade" to these "I-pads" or whatever. He thinks longingly of the hero passenger pigeon who saved the "Lost Patrol" during World War I and recognizes that he was not GPS-guided.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 3:28 PM EST

Updated: Sunday, February 15, 2015 4:08 PM EST

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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Thinking About the Things We Used to Do
Mood:

celebratory
Topic: "Memories"(10)

10:55 AM. October 29th. Annually.

"Well, I know where I was X# years ago at this time."

The telephone call that established the basis for the Greenwich Median would emanate from Frodo's Mother wherever she might be at precisely the same time every year. Changing time zones east-to-west eventually altered her precision for Frodo's physical location, but the thought never changed, during all those years. Now it seems so long ago.

Frodo still receives digital and audio transmissions from many kind souls marking his relationships on his birthday, and it is difficult, to say the least, to record absences when so many remain ever present. This year includes many newbies, and Frodo is sure that additions will continue at a frenetic pace throughout the year to come. It is the telephone however, which rings not, that mobilizes his neurons and causes him to reach for a receiver that summons no Hobbit. Perhaps the imagination is what distinguishes the difference between the celebrations of youth, and the lamentations of age. If that be so, the Hobbit will talk with Mom for a few minutes, then gird himself for life's daily challenges. The Ring lives on.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:15 PM EDT

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Saturday, September 27, 2014

Makes You Wanna Holler Heigh-de-Ho, Burns Your Tummy Don't Ya Know
Mood:

cool
Topic: "How Dogs Love Us" (10)

Several weeks ago, official canine protocols were violated by Dandy (successor to Mick, the Wonder Dog). Independently, Dandy discovered a cache of spoiled food which he promptly proceeded to ingest. Despite his protestations to the contrary, punishment commenced. The following day, Frodo and Sam, accompanied by the entire canine contingent, including the miscreant Dandy, departed for holiday. The transit took nearly seven hours portal to portal. Upon arrival the contingent was released from their "hidey holes" and granted access to appropriate facilities. Dandy reflected a serious level of diarrhea distress. Over the next twenty-four hours, the suffering reached a worrisome level for the Hobbits.

On nine occasions overnight Dandy would enter the bedroom of the Hobbits whining in pain, seeking passage to the facilities out-of-doors. Every time Frodo walked out with his friend helping him when possible and observing the increasingly ugly bloody product. Frodo prepared himself to visit a nearby emergency veterinarian. Sam convinced him to wait a full twenty-four hours, allowing the cycle to match the similar experiences of the Hobbits at various times in the past. Frodo was not sure, but he acquiesced to the wisdom of Sam.

The following afternoon as Frodo lay nearly napping, Dandy entered the bedroom and jumped upon the bed. He stretched his entire length of body upon the Hobbit and laid his head on the chest of Frodo. Their eyes met, and Dandy commenced to lick Frodo upon the chest. It was an uncharacteristic moment, and Frodo soon realized that an act of gratitude was taking place. It was Dandy's way of telling Frodo that he felt much better, and he was, well, grateful, for the assistance. Perhaps "I love you Frodo" was being communicated between species?

Several days later Frodo was introduced to a book written in 2013 by a scientist at Emory University. It is entitled "How Dogs Love Us: A Neuroscientist and His Adopted Dog Decode the Canine Brain"(Gregory Berns). The tale is of a scientist who was eventually able to obtain an MRI of his dog, in order to answer the questions ever wondered by man about his canine companion (Imagine getting any dog to endure 15 motionless minutes of mechanical sounds and movement in an MRI in order to take hundreds of comparative pictures, if you will). Eventually, the scientist began to draw conclusions from the movements and responses in the canine brain patterns. He feels strongly that dogs are "appreciative" of their human "masters" but he stops short of "love" as something his analyses could confirm.

He should have asked Frodo, and Dandy. Sometimes you just know.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:02 PM EDT

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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Stuck On You
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "Impregnated"(10)

The gardens of the Shire and the environs thereof are awash in the coming beauties of autumn and the sinking sunlight of shorter days and longer nights. Frodo finds some new joy almost everyday. However, there is a problem, Houston.

There are little green sticky-to-its which seem to afflict the Hobbits, including the canine contingent. These invisible monsters mate with every sock or plumed tail which presents itself anywhere adjacent to the presence of chlorophyll. When the opportunity finally presents itself to physically remove each one of these refugees from an old icebox, the process is marred by the casual discovery of yet another gathering of the sexually-transmitted diseased. The little bastards are everywhere, and they seem to offer evidence to the existence of climate change, due to the apparent increase in their presence. Why else would a mindful supreme presence continue to manufacture these little turds?

Frodo loves a walk in the woods, but he has grown fearful of the threat encompassing his pulmonary passages and the potential risk of a headlong fall down a mountain trail while bending to remove a sticky-to-it. Dandy, successor to Mick, the Wonder Dog, plants his front paws in the sand and refuses to enter the paths of green which tempt him whenever the plague subsides. Until such time, nature will remain a darkening temptress, and the persistent little sexual transmitters wait for even a passing deer or bear to fall victim.

Hmm, Frodo wonders what would result should he place 25 or so amid the bird feeders currently deluged by squirrels? Possibly they'd eat them, then again, they probably wouldn't.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:53 PM EDT

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Sunday, September 14, 2014

I Believe in Miracles
Mood:

a-ok
Topic: "Back inthe Saddle Again"

Baseball players have an off-season. Republican Members of Congress never, well hardly ever, show up for work at all. Given that level of precedence it seems only logical that Frodo decided to stop and take a deep breath. He came to the conclusion that the struggle for the Ring requires his participation, so those who just sort of hoped that he "go away" are sorely disappointed. Frodo is just going to be a little bit smarter and patient, and, hopefully, funnier.

Since last he visited, Frodo has found that the once charismatic e-mail is falling swiftly to the Facebook, the LinkedIn, and other communication tools which are giant steps beyond WKBW in Buffalo, WLS in Chicago, and WOWO in Fort Wayne, which are all preferences of the Hobbit's past. That, Frodo figures, is why he has not been the subject of deluge by worried followers who have wondered about the silence. Citizens of Middle Earth do not need the Hoibbit to tell them how to vote, or to interpret the wisdom of some in opposition to the foolishness of most. The Men of Gondor and the Riders of Rohan need a good laugh, a tender memory, or even a tear or two to give each of them a moment to similarly take a deep breath, and thus to decide the path in the yellow wood. Frodo has returned, and he will stay.

Has anyone heard about the lady from Nantucket?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:04 PM EDT

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