Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Friday, March 11, 2005

Life Is Like A Box of Chocolates
Mood:

blue
Topic: "No Humor Today"
Frodo was looking forward to learning a little about the Arts today. Instead, he learned how much life imitates Art.
Like a bad movie, which is anything starring Bruce Willis, a very bad person took the sidearm of a courthouse guard, and he killed three people. The Michael Jackson Trial dropped off of CNN for the day. There was no mention of a walk-out by all the Black members of the Georgia State Senate. Georgia Tech's ACC Tournament win has been ignored. It is interview and re-interview with the witnesses, passersby, shocked, and saddened.
The violator is on the run. Frodo hopes they kill him, and he doesn't hurt anyone else. The alternative is years of legal proceedings, and the eventual termination of life by a vengeful State. It is a situation not unlike the rabid dog confronted by Atticus Finch one summer's day in Monroeville, Alabama. Frodo always figured that this was the contrast so vividly drawn by Harper Lee. Atticus acted to end the danger of the rabid dog, as opposed to the legal steps taken to punish his client, the wrongly accused. There is no doubt, there is no question about the danger, there is no presumption of innocence. All of Middle Earth will be better off when the violator is no more. No one was bitten by the mad dog.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:43 PM EST

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Thursday, March 10, 2005

The Wife of Bath
Mood:

quizzical
Topic: "An Admission"
There is a time in all our lives when hormones reign supreme, and for some of us that time is greatly extended. When Frodo first sat down with Geoffrey Chaucer to discuss his characters in "The Canterbury Tales," his hormones were just coming into their own. It is not surprising that the ribald tales of the gap-toothed "Wife of Bath" burst to the forefront of Frodo's imagination.
From that moment forward, Frodo has tested the theory that hormonic activity is enhanced by the presence of a gap between the front teeth of those of the feminine gender.
The empirical evidence has strongly suggested that proper scientific conclusions can be accurately derived therefrom.
Frodo admits that is the very first thought that crosses his mind on many occasions.
Today, someone very observant referred to the Secretary of State as a "gap-toothed neocon-ette."
Inquiring minds want to know.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:28 PM EST

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Wednesday, March 9, 2005

Whatever Happened to Randolph Scott?
Mood:

party time!
Topic: "Film at 11"
Twenty-four years ago tonight, Roger Mudd got stewed to the gills. The long battle to succeed Walter Cronkite had been decided in favor of the other guy. Frodo saw Roger hosting a show on The History Channel just a few weeks ago. He looks just the same. Same suit, same tie, same hair-do, same nasal resonance. The pecker hasn't aged a day.

Dan, on the other hand, looks like a banker. Somebody helps him on and off with his coat, his pupils are constantly fully dilated, his dark hair looks like it was trimmed with a lawnmower. I'd swear he is on leave from the "Shady Acres Rest Home." Tonight, I'll bet, Dan Rather got stewed to the gills.

Uncle Walter was on the poop deck of his sailboat when Roger got smashed. Tonight, he popped the cork on that champagne he'd hidden in the refrigerator twenty-four years ago.

Frodo used the remote control to switch the channel to Peter Jennings. And that's the way it was.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:36 PM EST

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Tuesday, March 8, 2005

Smile When You Say Them Words, Effendi
Mood:

accident prone
Topic: "The Second Amendment"
"Yes, Is this 'Guns to Go-Go'?"
Sure is, right here in Smyrna, Georgia, the Capital of Christian Concealed Weaponry.
"I'd like to place an order to go-go."
Fine Son, what'll ya have?
"Is it still free delivery? I have a coupon for 10% off."
Sure Boy, we have free delivery by college students on their way home from Spring Break. Your coupon is good on your first order over $200,000.
"Excellent. How do I provide you with adequate ID over the telephone?"
Tell you what Boy, just answer the following question. Which President of the NRA, by God, played Moses and that Jew-boy who raced the chariot horses in the movies?
"Uh, George Bush?"
Close enough. May I take your order, please?
"I'd like 150 AK-47's, 300 RPG's, 200 of your best handguns, and 400,000 rounds of ammunition for the handguns?"
Smith & Wesson good enough for them handguns?
"That'd be fine."
You want fries with that?
"No, that should do me for now."
Where would you like that delivery?
"How about care of the Postmaster, Tehran, Iran, 24328?"
No problem.
"How much?"
Hold your horse there Son, I also need to know if you have ever been convicted of a crime here in the USA, or if you are mentally defective?
"No to both."
Fine, that'll be $245,000 with your coupon, and sales tax brings that to $259,700. Now, will that be cash or charge?
"American Express. . ."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:40 PM EST

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Monday, March 7, 2005

Sittin' by the Side of the Road in the Middle of Nowhere
Mood:

spacey
Topic: "Everyday Miracles"
The grocery check-out line is America's next dinosaur. Scanning your own items will do away with one of our greatest national pastimes--perusing the NATIONAL ENQUIRER while waiting your turn. Frodo particularly enjoys the first person accounts of divine intervention, giving him hope for the political future.
Today Frodo learned that Alfonso Getubig from Cebu City in The Phillipines was thrown overboard in Manila Harbor during a storm in 1994. After an obligatory prayer, Brother Getubig was rescued by two huge sea turtles who rose to the surface and kept him afloat until help arrived.
For this submission Brother Getubig was awarded $200 from the publisher (who was the target of an anthrax attack in the days following 9/11).
Frodo has been searching his memory bank for anything resembling divine intervention at the Shire. The best he could come up with was his dog, Gumbo, who could stand on her front two feet. Maybe, dear reader, you can do better, submit your entry via e-mail to letters@nationalenquirer.com and if you smell pie, look for Michael.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:20 PM EST

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Sunday, March 6, 2005

"Hobbit May Be Distinct Human Species"
Mood:

surprised
Topic: "Well, Duh!"
Scientists working with imaging computers say the "Hobbit" fossil recently discovered on the Indonesian Island of Flores had brain features that justify its classification as a separate, but tiny, human ancestor. These brain features coincide with physical evidence of advanced behaviors which suggest that an organized society of tiny hunters flourished for millenia at a time when modern humans dominated the planet.
Frodo is thereby scientifically secure in denying any responsibility for the inventions of plastic, the internal combustion engine, Fox News, the Dallas Cowboys, VIOXX, or any descendant named Bush.
However, the "physical evidence of advanced behaviors" may have included a condom. That could, indeed, have been the reason for all the past tense usage above.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:00 PM EST

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Saturday, March 5, 2005

Frodo Has Found His Candidate for 2008
Mood:

vegas lucky
Topic: "Goodman is Hard to Find"
Mayor Oscar Goodman, Las Vegas, Nevada, may be the penultimate political pharoah. While speaking to a group of students, the Mayor unapologetically identified drinking as one of his hobbies. He added that if he were stranded on a desert island, a bottle of gin would be the one thing he would want with him. "I'm not going to lie to children. I'm not going to say I would take a teddy bear or a Bible or something like that."
Overnight polls revealed an 18 point gain in the Mayor's popularity.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 6:17 PM EST

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Friday, March 4, 2005

Why Would Anyone Ask a Politician? Ask an Actuary!
Mood:

bright
Topic: "Social Security Reform"
Edward C. Lane, a retired Actuary, who participated in the project to reform the federal retirement system in the 1980's, has written a partial summary of the impact of a transition to individual accounts;
---Investment risk is transferred to the participant,
---Longevity risk is transferred to the participant,
---Inflation risk is transferred to the participant,
---Late entrants to the workforce lose out,
---Low wage earners lose out,
---Non-working spouses lose out, and
---Transition to individual accounts for those under age 55 will NOT leave older workers in status quo.
He writes, "In summary, individual account plans have their place in retirement planning. But, it needs to be recognized that these plans do not promise benefits of any type. Rather, they focus on the cost of those benefits and the control of that cost. All risks are transferred to the participant, including the ability of the benefit to meet basic needs."
For a complete transcript, see http://www.actionforum.com/forum/scores.html?&comment_id=213193

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:12 PM EST

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Thursday, March 3, 2005

63,000 Laptops for Sale On eBay
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Life In A Red State"
Cobb County, Georgia, the land made famous by Newt Gingrich, Bob Barr, and the Cobb County Board of Education is in the funny papers again. After appeasing the Christian Coalition by adding a sticker to High School Science Textbooks in which the "Theory" of Evolution was denoted as only a "theory," and should be evaluated as such, Georgia's most "well off" County is racing to become the best educational system in the State ranked 49th nationally. How, you ask, will this feat be accomplished?
We're buying every little Mother's Son a computer! A highly portable laptop I might add. An Apple, no less.
What happens if Little Sean loses it?
We'll make each parent buy a $50 Insurance Policy answers our leaders.
Wrong answer. That is illegal under Georgia law.
We'll put tracking devices in each one is the next suggestion.
How much do tracking devices cost?
We'll pay for them by selling them to the students after FOUR years.
And how many of you have a four-year old computer?
Get a grip.
This will make a future edition of the "Fleecing of America." Senator Proxmire, where are you now that we really need you?
How will it all end? Just watch eBay, you'll know.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:01 PM EST

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Wednesday, March 2, 2005

My Heroes Have All Been Jayhawks
Mood:

special
Topic: "Proud I Am"
Today the people of Topeka, Kansas, did something very good. They voted and they said that it was wrong to treat one group of people differently, simply because they are different. The momentum to limit the rights of certain American citizens may have changed.
We are told that the people of Topeka are religious, that they are patriotic, and that they share a common civic pride. This is the community which provided the setting for an an attorney named Thurgood Marshall to argue in Brown v. Board of Education, that it was wrong to discriminate. The voters of this community reminded us all of that fact today.
I would be prouder had it been the voters of Marietta. I have to remind myself that this isn't Kansas, Toto.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:30 PM EST

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