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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
"Number One" (3)
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
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Citizens of Middle Earth
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Monday, April 11, 2005
Ring, Ring Goes the Bell
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: "Blackboard Jungle"
Frodo has learned that Model High School (believe me, even Frodo couldn't have made up that name) in cosmopolitan Rome, Georgia is looking for a few good confidential informants (or CI's as they say on "Law and Order"). Using revenue from the candy and soda machines which populate the school (and, Frodo adds, which impact on the decay and obesity so prevalent in cosmopolitan Rome), the school plans to pay up to $100 for information about thefts, drugs, guns, or other "serious felonies" on campus.

First question, please identify all "non-serious felonies?"

If a student provides information about a theft on campus, in which he or she was not involved, then the student will receive $10. Information about drug possession can yield either $25 or $50. $100 is the yield for information regarding gun possession on campus.

Second question, does Charlton Heston know about the value of guns versus drugs in cosmopolitan Rome?

There is no similar system at nearby, and rival, Rome High School, because students there "have a rapport with the school resources officer and already are comfortable providing information," says Superintendent Gayland Cooper.

Third question, Gayland? Aw come on dude, you're jivin'.

"We feel the reward is the kids knowing they have a safe school," quoth Superintendent Cooper, referring to Rome High. It should be noted that as of this writing, no Model High students have received any rewards. Senior James Parris said that most students already would tell faculty about any such threats against student safety.

Now, here's the hypothetical, let's assume Student A at Model High is a drug dealer. He squeals about Student B who is a computer geek, and says he saw him selling dope to Student C. Student C is in cahoots with Student A. Student C pleads "nolo contendre," and throws himself on the mercy of the Superintendent, stating that his purchase was merely to relieve the pain of the fatal illness which has befallen his grandmother.

I don't know about you, but Frodo lost 17 grandmothers while in high school.

Student A, back to the hypothetical, has now made $100, with which he can, ta da, you got it, buy more drugs. If he has half a brain, he will sell these drugs at Rome High. Let us hope that Student B, when he returns from his time in detention, does not decide to wreak revenge by stealing drugs from Student A with his father's shotgun. Especially if he happens to be named Corleone.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EDT
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Sunday, April 10, 2005
Don't You Know Me? I'm Your Native Son
Mood:  lucky
Topic: "Good Son"
Some years ago, Frodo purchased a computer for his Mother for her birthday. With planning aforethought he traveled to Lothlorien to install the instrument where it was to be utilized. He unpackaged it, connected all the cords, plugged it in, turned it on, and lit up the wonders of the Internet to she who was excited by the technological genius of her Son. There was a minor problem, Mom never learned to type.

It was a very long week, lo those five years ago. It seemed that each rising Sun brought Frodo the challenge of re-teaching the prior days' lesson. Given that e-mail was the prime directive, all effort was geared to the magic of Spellcheck and responding directly back to the responder, but to avoid opening attachments. For years after, Frodo has delighted barroom crowds with his spinning yarn which ended with this quotation to his Mother; "Mom, I know that potty-training me must have been hell, but after this sweetheart, we are even."

There is nuance. As Frodo was preparing another visit for another birthday, he was informed that both the monitor and the modem on the original instrument had passed on to that "Silicon Valley in the Sky." Replacing the parts is not cost-effective, so Frodo has ordered another unit, much better than the previous, and much less in cost than the original. Who says that history does not repeat itself?

I'll bet, however, that once the potty-training was completed, that Mom never had to worry about repeating it.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:27 PM EDT
Updated: Sunday, April 10, 2005 9:31 PM EDT
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Thursday, April 7, 2005
Dreamin', I'm Always Dreamin'
Mood:  not sure
Topic: "Santos v. Vinnick"
Jimmy Smits and Alan Alda face off for the Presidency on "The West Wing," but not until next season. Two "middle ground" honest men, competing for the most powerful electoral office in the History of Man, which, Frodo supposes, is what we all want in the real world. Eisenhower-Stevenson, Kennedy-Nixon, Carter-Ford, Clinton-Dole were all real elections where nobody really "hated" the other guy; and now they all seem so long ago.

Frodo has a friend to whom he has recommended the pathos of "The West Wing." His friend refuses to watch the show, and refers to it as "The Left Wing." He refuses to view anything that sympathetically presents a position which does not support his opinion. This has given Frodo great pause regarding his own biases.

Frodo cannot stand to be in the same room when George W. Bush is on the television. Frodo watches Fox News , although not regularly, simply to hear what the other side has to say. Frodo will not watch any movie with Charlton Heston, but John Wayne is not to be missed. Frodo liked the "Dixie Chicks" long before their political views became known, and he has always considered Travis Tritt a no-talent retro hillbilly. Frodo read "The Conscience of a Conservative" before he read "Profiles in Courage." Frodo truly believes that if his friend recommended a show to him, he would watch it, at least once. His friend would argue that there is no such show to be recommended because of "liberal bias."

Toby, in Frodo's favorite episode of "The West Wing," is notified by the FBI that his business card was found on a deceased homeless man in Washington. They discover that the man's coat was one that Toby had donated to a charity, and that his business card had been left in a pocket. Toby notices that the homeless man had a US Marine tattoo, and subsequently that he was a veteran. Of his own accord, Toby arranges a military funeral at Arlington for this former soldier. Since it is winter, the music to the "Little Drummer Boy" plays while the 21-gun salute is given to the homeless veteran of Korea. It is great TV, great drama, and a great theme for us all.

My friend won't watch the show.

He may be my friend, but he is a fool.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:57 PM EDT
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Tuesday, April 5, 2005
The Church of What's Happenin' Now
Mood:  loud
Topic: "What's A Cubit?"
What day do you suppose it was that God made volcanoes? We know it wasn't the seventh day, because that is the best defined of the entire week. It seems most likely that volcanoes sort of came in with the "heavens and the earth," and have therefore been around just a few days more than man hisself. Frodo's editorial hackles are always raised when he has to interpret the words of the Lord. Frodo sees no reason why the Lord couldn't have been more precise in definitions such as these. It surely would've made things easier for the good people of South Carolina.

Recently, the people who run these rather elaborate movie theatres that show these IMAX movies caused a great deal of consternation in Charleston. IMAX, you know, is sort of what CINERAMA and 3-D used to be, except you don't have to wear those uncomfortable glasses or look at three screens at the same time. Most of the movies made for these shows have nature themes so that sex and violence can be shown in living color and nobody gets too worked up about it, since sharks and leopards aren't supposed to titillate anyone, except maybe in Alabama.

Anyways, the people who show the films in Charleston got real concerned because the IMAX film they were supposed to show failed to mention anything about apples, snakes, the ribs of Adam, or anybody who said anything remotely like "I think I'll make me a man." Instead, it was monkey talk. Monkey talk, right there in River City!

The people who were involved did the modern day imitation of Pontius Pilate and the finger bowl. It wasn't their opinion, oh no, but some of "our evangelical Christian friends" might object to the Theory of Evolution being mentioned in this Scientific film, without a counterbalancing reference to the Theory of Divine Intervention, or whatever the "religiously correct" choose to call their perspective on the first set of seven days and nights.

Frodo immediately recalled Joel Grey and Liza Minnelli in those wonderful scenes when they sang "Money makes the World Go Around, the world go around, the world go around. . ." (Cabaret, of course). The truth be told that if it isn't money, it is certainly people trying to cloak themselves from prying eyes.

Just ask Tom DeLay.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:14 PM EDT
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Monday, April 4, 2005
I On the Opposite Shore Will Be
Mood:  energetic
Topic: "Shoot 'em, Vern"
The United States Border Patrol is protesting the assistance of the "Minuteman Patrol." The volunteers, many of whom are armed, have been accidentally tripping hidden alarms utilized by the Border Patrol to indicate illegal aliens attempting to cross from Mexico into Arizona. Quixotically named for the Patriots who were ready on a "minutes' notice" during the American Revolution, this motley crew of volunteers resembles Friday night at the "Golden Corral Steakhouse" buffet table. Sadly, few of them have ever missed a single call for chow.

Centered around the Arizona community of Tombstone, once known as the "town too tough to die," the Minutemen are acting to stem the flow of Mexican labor terrorists into the construction sites and poultry processing plants of America. Tucson and Phoenix, the largest cities in Arizona, are the jumping off spots for illegals who make their way into virtually every State in the Union in search of all things, work. Virtually 100% of the illegals are Catholic, born into a society whose dominant religion discourages birth control, and whose government is unable to provide sufficient opportunity to support the burgeoning population.

How appropriate that in Phoenix, home of the Cardinals, they are working diligently to identify a successsor to the recently-departed John Paul, who steadfastly refused to admit that his Church was out-producing the ability of our planet to feed all these little parishoners. Actually, Frodo thinks that the Cardinals are such losers that they ought to turn the election over to the Falcons, or the Packers, or even dare we say, the Patriots.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:27 PM EDT
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Sunday, April 3, 2005
Double Bubble, Toil and Trouble. . .
Mood:  hug me
Topic: "Wedding Bell Blues"
By all indications the Pope will be buried this coming Friday. Unfortunately, the Prince of Wales, Charles, is to be wed for the second time to the Commoner, Camilla Parker-Bowles, on the same day. Now had the old boy merely hung on for another day or so, all of this potential unpleasantness might be avoided. The happy couple could have stopped by for the services on their way to the Riviera. Then again, it was rather cheeky for the Prince to advance his plans so far given the tenuous nature of the Pope's health. Had they merely looked at a point later in the year then all of the awkwardness could have been eliminated entirely.

I dare say that someone needs to represent the Empire. Since the Queen Mum has already announced her unwillingness to attend the nuptials (after all they are being held so I've heard in the same rear seat of the Royal Land Rover where the marriage was first consummated some years ago), it would be unseemly for her to appear at a funeral instead. The same may be said for her husband (oh dear, I have forgotten the blighter's name, again).

This is a royal dilemma for which Frodo has an absolutely divine solution. Diana will attend.

As an angel, Prince Charles' first wife will be in a fitting position to pay homage to the leader of all the worlds' Catholics. Diana would also be in position to request her friend Sir Elton John to compose a third version of his memorial masterpiece "Candle in the Wind," and to devote it to the Pontiff. The profit, of course, would add to the coffers of the charities championed both by Diana and John Paul.

Edward? No. Albert? No. William? No (damn, what is the name of that bloke)?

Should Diana not be able to attend, there appears to be no alternative, but for the couple to either marry early in the morning and catch the red-eye to Rome, or to have somebody perform the ceremony after the funeral.

Henry? No. Arthur? No. Richard? No (oh well, it'll come to Frodo, probably as he saunters through Harrod's, looking for a gift).

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:48 PM EST
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Saturday, April 2, 2005
Dick and Jane
Mood:  flirty
Topic: "A Woman Scorned"
According to Jane Fonda Hayden-Turner, her second ex-husband often confused the words "magnanimous" and "monogamous." That, she explains in her book, is why she caught him exiting a soiree outside his office in the CNN Tower, within a month of their marriage. Of course, she fails to discuss that this was the second husband who was less than inviolate. It causes Frodo to pause, and to consider all those exercise tapes, and to wonder if maybe Jane might be "all show and no go," if you get my drift.

Ms. Fonda Hayden-Turner also goes to some length to justify her new love affair. "I love the Chekhovian nature of the South: a slowness, a love of talk for its own sake, and the friendliness and humor, the jokes, like heirlooms passed back and forth and an acceptance of people's idiosyncracies. . .And where else can you hear expressions like 'frog strangler' and 'lower than a pregnant duck?'"

Now let's just hold our horses here a moment sweetcakes. Frodo has lived most of his life in the South, and this is the first mention ever of Chekhov, outside of a reference or two in old "Star Trek" reruns. And as for the "acceptance of people's idiosyncracies," we all remember the relationships exposed in "Deliverance," and as for Frodo, he hasn't touched a banjo since first he saw that flick.

The real wonder is the phrase Ms. Fonda Hayden-Turner came up with about a "pregnant duck." I have heard of someone being "lower than a gravedigger's boot," or being so "low that he has to look up to tie his shoes," or even "low enough to pick his nose with his toes." Frodo believes that this reference to some sort of overweight duck is a Fig Newton of her imagination.

Now Frodo does not want to paint his hero, Mr. Ted Turner, as entirely blameless in all this. I mean Frodo will make allowances for someone who has pledged to donate $1 Billion to the United Nations. What's more, Brother Turner has amassed, and lost, at least two fortunes, one his father's, and one his own. Additionally, he was overheard to remark to his son, Teddy, who inquired about his personal situation when Turner Enterprises merged with Time-Warner, "You're toast." How can you not like a guy who takes all of life with a grain of salt? What we also know now is that he also takes whatever he can, when he can, and a "nooner" is part of his doctor's prescription, along with a little lithium, when needed.

Completing my circle on this, I've often considered the literary value of some of the first books Frodo ever read. Bear with me, as Frodo changes Mr. Turner's name to "Dick," and let's review, together, some direct quotations from one of those books, and apply them to Brother Turner and Ms. Fonda Hayden-Turner: "See Dick and Jane. See Jane Come. Come Jane, Come. See Dick Come. . ."

Could I go to jail for this?




Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:57 PM EST
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Friday, April 1, 2005
I Love the Smell of Napalm in the Morning
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: "Preemptive Invasion"
President George W. Bush today declared the War on Drugs as "Mission Accomplished." Standing amidst a field of poppies in Flanders, President Bush acknowledged the unfortunate destruction of nearby villages and towns and the loss of innocent lives. "These places with strange sounding names like Brussels and Ghent have been clearly documented as sources of fields of poppies all the way back to the days before World War I."
The President went on to say "Our nation owes a debt of gratitude to the irrefutable evidence amassed by the Intelligence Agencies and the Department of Defense."

Reacting to criticism by wimpy Judges and misguided Social Security recipients, President Bush noted that the Belgian Government had failed to respond to numerous telephone calls from the newly-selected President of the World Bank. "Mr. Wolfowitz dialed 411 all evening trying to get the name and phone number of the Head of State. He left message after message, and no one chose to respond. The United States had no choice but to protect her National Security by averting the imminent shipment across our national border of Narcotics of Mass Delusion."

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan met in emergency session with US Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice. Secretary Rice provided the Secretary General with a copy of a poem, dated 1918, which, she stated afterwards, convinced the Secretary General that there were fields of poppies growing in Belgium.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced his Governments' "complete and thorough" support for the strike against this "rogue state." German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder noted that his Country had attempted similar action twice before, and he applauded the "Coalition" victory. "President Bush, acted" he said "in the tradition of strong leaders bent on making the trains run on time and keeping the homeland secure against inferiors."

It is the First of April, isn't it?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:02 PM EST
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Thursday, March 31, 2005
The Supremes Rock
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: "Souter Rules, Dude"
Grokster, the software maker that allows Internet users to share computer files, got some positive vibes during their showdown with the Hollywood studios and the recording industry before the Supreme Court of the United States.

Check out the following from the mouth of Justice David Souter, the least technically minded of the Justices, who still drafts his opinions by hand on a legal pad.

". . .envision a guy sitting in his garage inventing the iPod. I know perfectly well that I can buy a CD and put it on my iPod, but I also know if I can get (tunes) without buying them, I'm going to do so." Imagine Mr. Spicolli at Ridgemont High giving the "Judge Guy" a "high-five" on that admission! Souter went on to ask "How do we give the developer the confidence to go ahead. . .why isn't a foregone conclusion from the outset that the guy in the garage is going to lose his shirt?"

In briefs as "friends of the court," allies in technology industries and civil liberties organizations have depicted file-sharing as useful, if not vital, means of expanding knowledge by archiving lawful material in the public domain. Grokster is asking the Court to look at all uses of file-sharing, not just the downloading of Snoopy Dogg Doo (or something like that). The Bush Administration (Why am I not surprised?) believes the Court should focus on the actual documented use of the software.

I wonder if Jenna has a thing with Snoopy?

How cool is this picture? There's Souter, leaning back in his big ole chair, with his iPod dangling down inside his robe, checking out Beyonce in all her glory. Don't forget Ruth Bader dude, she'll "Fifty Cent", and keep the change.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:17 PM EST
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Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Saving Private Ryan
Mood:  special
Topic: "Patsy for America"
The 82nd Airborne ships out again.

How many times must the cannonball fly until they are forever banned? How many times Lord have America's Mothers kissed their sons good-bye and turned to you for an answer to this special question?

Frodo stands, silently whispering a prayer, for the safe and swift return of Private Ryan to his family, and especially to his Mother. Let the Gold Star on this post be the only such symbol in either life.

With dignity, and with courageous resolve, another American family faces the uncertainty of war that was never necessary. Damn those responsible for placing them in this maelstrom.

Frodo promises Patsy that he will do what he can to help her destroy the ring. All of us in Middle Earth are with Private Ryan.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:37 PM EST
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