Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I Wouldn't Have Missed It For the World
Mood:

down
Topic: "The Italian Stallion"
There is something about new construction that attracts Frodo. It was a spring day, 21 years ago, when Frodo and his faithful canine companions, Prissy and Gumbo, went walking through a subdivision being built near the Shire. While watching workmen install a roof, we saw out of the corners of our collective eye a kitten rise over a dirt mound in stalk of we interlopers. While Prissy and Gumbo alerted the world to the threat, Frodo alerted the workmen to the precarious position of their cat. "He ain't ours Mister, he's been hanging around here for days, and we been feedin' him french fries." It should here be noted that Sam was out of town on business.

Prissy was clearly offended that Frodo would be carrying this mortal enemy and interrupting her walk. She liked it even less that Frodo then dared bring this creature into her house. Gumbo, on the other hand, thought this was kind of cool, at least, she must have thought, "I am no longer the smallest and the weakest."

The next morning, before Frodo traveled to Mount Doom, he constructed a makeshift litter box, au natural from the garden, and placed it and the kitten in a bathroom, with the door shut. Knowing that Sam would return before he would, he taped a message, "Open Door Slowly," on the door as he left for his daily tasks.

Frodo expected the telephone call. After explaining what exactly in the hell this was, he noted that Gumbo seemed to like the kitten. "I know," said Sam,"they are taking turns chasing each other from one end of the house to the other." After the long discourse about never having a cat, and not knowing how to take care of one, there was silence on the telephone. And so Rocky came to be a member of the pack and a resident of the Shire.

How strange that over the years, Rocky and Prissy became so close. The grief that struck him upon her death was both visible and moving. So very strange.

Now, more than two decades later, after outliving three dogs, one other cat, a cockatiel, and about $50 worth of freshwater fish, time is taking its' toll. A couple of months ago, Frodo spent two nights with Rocky when he drifted into an apparent lethargic end. Miraculously, Rocky raised himself off the canvas, and deemed the need to once again tangle with Apollo Creed.

Frodo and Sam must now travel to the far end of the Shire. Mick, Fiona, and Georgia are at Camp Kennel, where they salute the flag every morning, drink "bug juice," and add to Frodo's indebtedness. Sydney, the cockatiel and Rocky will be visited by "Miss Ellyn," every day. This time, "Miss Ellyn" has special instructions about what to do if the time comes and Frodo is not there. It would give Frodo great pain not to be in the eye of his friend when the light goes out.

One evening not long ago, Rocky crawled up onto Sam's lap, and that long and distinctive purr was heard around the Shire. Sam picked him up, and Sam looked into those magical eyes, and began to sing, "I wouldn't have missed it for the World. . ."

So very strange.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:34 PM EDT

Updated: Saturday, April 23, 2005 10:58 PM EDT

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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

The Hoot Owl She Hollered, and the Turtle Dove Moaned
Mood:

mischievious
Topic: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
Spring has always caused the sap to rise, and Frodo is not immune. One spring many years ago Frodo and Sam took their mid-day meal in a small park in our Nation's Capital. Pippen, always requiring more energy than Frodo, had purchased a jar of peanuts and was energizing himself for the afternoon's assault on Mount Doom (otherwise known as "the office"). Without much hesitation, Frodo and Pippen were soon joined by the world's most populous freeloaders who were not registered Republicans. Pigeons began to gather at our feet.

The assemblage of aviators grew incredibly large, and the peanuts were now the center of conflict. Pippen was amazed, then amused, when Frodo took a handful of the peanuts, rose from the bench, and began an imitation of the Pied Piper of Hamelin. Pigeons, if not in the thousands, certainly in the hundreds, ambled and hovered in his wake as he motored toward "K" Street.

Pippen now joined with Frodo as we waited at the crosswalk before crossing the street, entourage following. The crossing was not without casualties from traffic, but, for the most part, nearly all the participants were in tow as we approached the front door of Mount Doom.

Through the doors, and into the lobby, the following had lessened to a hardy half-hundred or so. Pippen pushed the elevator button, the doors opened, and all the remaining peanuts were scattered into the empty elevator car. When the dozen or so had settled, the doors closed and the "Up" button was pushed.

Legend has it that the Office of Saruman was the eventual nesting spot for the weary travelers. Old ones who were there for the destruction of Mount Doom swear that pigeon eggs and nests were scattered on the ground many years thereafter.

As for Frodo and Pippen, they still tape pictures of Newt Gingrich on the bumpers of each others' car.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:32 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, May 10, 2005 8:14 PM EDT

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Monday, April 11, 2005

Ring, Ring Goes the Bell
Mood:

chillin'
Topic: "Blackboard Jungle"
Frodo has learned that Model High School (believe me, even Frodo couldn't have made up that name) in cosmopolitan Rome, Georgia is looking for a few good confidential informants (or CI's as they say on "Law and Order"). Using revenue from the candy and soda machines which populate the school (and, Frodo adds, which impact on the decay and obesity so prevalent in cosmopolitan Rome), the school plans to pay up to $100 for information about thefts, drugs, guns, or other "serious felonies" on campus.

First question, please identify all "non-serious felonies?"

If a student provides information about a theft on campus, in which he or she was not involved, then the student will receive $10. Information about drug possession can yield either $25 or $50. $100 is the yield for information regarding gun possession on campus.

Second question, does Charlton Heston know about the value of guns versus drugs in cosmopolitan Rome?

There is no similar system at nearby, and rival, Rome High School, because students there "have a rapport with the school resources officer and already are comfortable providing information," says Superintendent Gayland Cooper.

Third question, Gayland? Aw come on dude, you're jivin'.

"We feel the reward is the kids knowing they have a safe school," quoth Superintendent Cooper, referring to Rome High. It should be noted that as of this writing, no Model High students have received any rewards. Senior James Parris said that most students already would tell faculty about any such threats against student safety.

Now, here's the hypothetical, let's assume Student A at Model High is a drug dealer. He squeals about Student B who is a computer geek, and says he saw him selling dope to Student C. Student C is in cahoots with Student A. Student C pleads "nolo contendre," and throws himself on the mercy of the Superintendent, stating that his purchase was merely to relieve the pain of the fatal illness which has befallen his grandmother.

I don't know about you, but Frodo lost 17 grandmothers while in high school.

Student A, back to the hypothetical, has now made $100, with which he can, ta da, you got it, buy more drugs. If he has half a brain, he will sell these drugs at Rome High. Let us hope that Student B, when he returns from his time in detention, does not decide to wreak revenge by stealing drugs from Student A with his father's shotgun. Especially if he happens to be named Corleone.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EDT

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Sunday, April 10, 2005

Don't You Know Me? I'm Your Native Son
Mood:

lucky
Topic: "Good Son"
Some years ago, Frodo purchased a computer for his Mother for her birthday. With planning aforethought he traveled to Lothlorien to install the instrument where it was to be utilized. He unpackaged it, connected all the cords, plugged it in, turned it on, and lit up the wonders of the Internet to she who was excited by the technological genius of her Son. There was a minor problem, Mom never learned to type.

It was a very long week, lo those five years ago. It seemed that each rising Sun brought Frodo the challenge of re-teaching the prior days' lesson. Given that e-mail was the prime directive, all effort was geared to the magic of Spellcheck and responding directly back to the responder, but to avoid opening attachments. For years after, Frodo has delighted barroom crowds with his spinning yarn which ended with this quotation to his Mother; "Mom, I know that potty-training me must have been hell, but after this sweetheart, we are even."

There is nuance. As Frodo was preparing another visit for another birthday, he was informed that both the monitor and the modem on the original instrument had passed on to that "Silicon Valley in the Sky." Replacing the parts is not cost-effective, so Frodo has ordered another unit, much better than the previous, and much less in cost than the original. Who says that history does not repeat itself?

I'll bet, however, that once the potty-training was completed, that Mom never had to worry about repeating it.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:27 PM EDT

Updated: Sunday, April 10, 2005 9:31 PM EDT

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Thursday, April 7, 2005

Dreamin', I'm Always Dreamin'
Mood:

not sure
Topic: "Santos v. Vinnick"
Jimmy Smits and Alan Alda face off for the Presidency on "The West Wing," but not until next season. Two "middle ground" honest men, competing for the most powerful electoral office in the History of Man, which, Frodo supposes, is what we all want in the real world. Eisenhower-Stevenson, Kennedy-Nixon, Carter-Ford, Clinton-Dole were all real elections where nobody really "hated" the other guy; and now they all seem so long ago.

Frodo has a friend to whom he has recommended the pathos of "The West Wing." His friend refuses to watch the show, and refers to it as "The Left Wing." He refuses to view anything that sympathetically presents a position which does not support his opinion. This has given Frodo great pause regarding his own biases.

Frodo cannot stand to be in the same room when George W. Bush is on the television. Frodo watches Fox News , although not regularly, simply to hear what the other side has to say. Frodo will not watch any movie with Charlton Heston, but John Wayne is not to be missed. Frodo liked the "Dixie Chicks" long before their political views became known, and he has always considered Travis Tritt a no-talent retro hillbilly. Frodo read "The Conscience of a Conservative" before he read "Profiles in Courage." Frodo truly believes that if his friend recommended a show to him, he would watch it, at least once. His friend would argue that there is no such show to be recommended because of "liberal bias."

Toby, in Frodo's favorite episode of "The West Wing," is notified by the FBI that his business card was found on a deceased homeless man in Washington. They discover that the man's coat was one that Toby had donated to a charity, and that his business card had been left in a pocket. Toby notices that the homeless man had a US Marine tattoo, and subsequently that he was a veteran. Of his own accord, Toby arranges a military funeral at Arlington for this former soldier. Since it is winter, the music to the "Little Drummer Boy" plays while the 21-gun salute is given to the homeless veteran of Korea. It is great TV, great drama, and a great theme for us all.

My friend won't watch the show.

He may be my friend, but he is a fool.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:57 PM EDT

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Tuesday, April 5, 2005

The Church of What's Happenin' Now
Mood:

loud
Topic: "What's A Cubit?"
What day do you suppose it was that God made volcanoes? We know it wasn't the seventh day, because that is the best defined of the entire week. It seems most likely that volcanoes sort of came in with the "heavens and the earth," and have therefore been around just a few days more than man hisself. Frodo's editorial hackles are always raised when he has to interpret the words of the Lord. Frodo sees no reason why the Lord couldn't have been more precise in definitions such as these. It surely would've made things easier for the good people of South Carolina.

Recently, the people who run these rather elaborate movie theatres that show these IMAX movies caused a great deal of consternation in Charleston. IMAX, you know, is sort of what CINERAMA and 3-D used to be, except you don't have to wear those uncomfortable glasses or look at three screens at the same time. Most of the movies made for these shows have nature themes so that sex and violence can be shown in living color and nobody gets too worked up about it, since sharks and leopards aren't supposed to titillate anyone, except maybe in Alabama.

Anyways, the people who show the films in Charleston got real concerned because the IMAX film they were supposed to show failed to mention anything about apples, snakes, the ribs of Adam, or anybody who said anything remotely like "I think I'll make me a man." Instead, it was monkey talk. Monkey talk, right there in River City!

The people who were involved did the modern day imitation of Pontius Pilate and the finger bowl. It wasn't their opinion, oh no, but some of "our evangelical Christian friends" might object to the Theory of Evolution being mentioned in this Scientific film, without a counterbalancing reference to the Theory of Divine Intervention, or whatever the "religiously correct" choose to call their perspective on the first set of seven days and nights.

Frodo immediately recalled Joel Grey and Liza Minnelli in those wonderful scenes when they sang "Money makes the World Go Around, the world go around, the world go around. . ." (Cabaret, of course). The truth be told that if it isn't money, it is certainly people trying to cloak themselves from prying eyes.

Just ask Tom DeLay.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:14 PM EDT

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Monday, April 4, 2005

I On the Opposite Shore Will Be
Mood:

energetic
Topic: "Shoot 'em, Vern"
The United States Border Patrol is protesting the assistance of the "Minuteman Patrol." The volunteers, many of whom are armed, have been accidentally tripping hidden alarms utilized by the Border Patrol to indicate illegal aliens attempting to cross from Mexico into Arizona. Quixotically named for the Patriots who were ready on a "minutes' notice" during the American Revolution, this motley crew of volunteers resembles Friday night at the "Golden Corral Steakhouse" buffet table. Sadly, few of them have ever missed a single call for chow.

Centered around the Arizona community of Tombstone, once known as the "town too tough to die," the Minutemen are acting to stem the flow of Mexican labor terrorists into the construction sites and poultry processing plants of America. Tucson and Phoenix, the largest cities in Arizona, are the jumping off spots for illegals who make their way into virtually every State in the Union in search of all things, work. Virtually 100% of the illegals are Catholic, born into a society whose dominant religion discourages birth control, and whose government is unable to provide sufficient opportunity to support the burgeoning population.

How appropriate that in Phoenix, home of the Cardinals, they are working diligently to identify a successsor to the recently-departed John Paul, who steadfastly refused to admit that his Church was out-producing the ability of our planet to feed all these little parishoners. Actually, Frodo thinks that the Cardinals are such losers that they ought to turn the election over to the Falcons, or the Packers, or even dare we say, the Patriots.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:27 PM EDT

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Sunday, April 3, 2005

Double Bubble, Toil and Trouble. . .
Mood:

hug me
Topic: "Wedding Bell Blues"
By all indications the Pope will be buried this coming Friday. Unfortunately, the Prince of Wales, Charles, is to be wed for the second time to the Commoner, Camilla Parker-Bowles, on the same day. Now had the old boy merely hung on for another day or so, all of this potential unpleasantness might be avoided. The happy couple could have stopped by for the services on their way to the Riviera. Then again, it was rather cheeky for the Prince to advance his plans so far given the tenuous nature of the Pope's health. Had they merely looked at a point later in the year then all of the awkwardness could have been eliminated entirely.

I dare say that someone needs to represent the Empire. Since the Queen Mum has already announced her unwillingness to attend the nuptials (after all they are being held so I've heard in the same rear seat of the Royal Land Rover where the marriage was first consummated some years ago), it would be unseemly for her to appear at a funeral instead. The same may be said for her husband (oh dear, I have forgotten the blighter's name, again).

This is a royal dilemma for which Frodo has an absolutely divine solution. Diana will attend.

As an angel, Prince Charles' first wife will be in a fitting position to pay homage to the leader of all the worlds' Catholics. Diana would also be in position to request her friend Sir Elton John to compose a third version of his memorial masterpiece "Candle in the Wind," and to devote it to the Pontiff. The profit, of course, would add to the coffers of the charities championed both by Diana and John Paul.

Edward? No. Albert? No. William? No (damn, what is the name of that bloke)?

Should Diana not be able to attend, there appears to be no alternative, but for the couple to either marry early in the morning and catch the red-eye to Rome, or to have somebody perform the ceremony after the funeral.

Henry? No. Arthur? No. Richard? No (oh well, it'll come to Frodo, probably as he saunters through Harrod's, looking for a gift).

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:48 PM EST

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Saturday, April 2, 2005

Dick and Jane
Mood:

flirty
Topic: "A Woman Scorned"
According to Jane Fonda Hayden-Turner, her second ex-husband often confused the words "magnanimous" and "monogamous." That, she explains in her book, is why she caught him exiting a soiree outside his office in the CNN Tower, within a month of their marriage. Of course, she fails to discuss that this was the second husband who was less than inviolate. It causes Frodo to pause, and to consider all those exercise tapes, and to wonder if maybe Jane might be "all show and no go," if you get my drift.

Ms. Fonda Hayden-Turner also goes to some length to justify her new love affair. "I love the Chekhovian nature of the South: a slowness, a love of talk for its own sake, and the friendliness and humor, the jokes, like heirlooms passed back and forth and an acceptance of people's idiosyncracies. . .And where else can you hear expressions like 'frog strangler' and 'lower than a pregnant duck?'"

Now let's just hold our horses here a moment sweetcakes. Frodo has lived most of his life in the South, and this is the first mention ever of Chekhov, outside of a reference or two in old "Star Trek" reruns. And as for the "acceptance of people's idiosyncracies," we all remember the relationships exposed in "Deliverance," and as for Frodo, he hasn't touched a banjo since first he saw that flick.

The real wonder is the phrase Ms. Fonda Hayden-Turner came up with about a "pregnant duck." I have heard of someone being "lower than a gravedigger's boot," or being so "low that he has to look up to tie his shoes," or even "low enough to pick his nose with his toes." Frodo believes that this reference to some sort of overweight duck is a Fig Newton of her imagination.

Now Frodo does not want to paint his hero, Mr. Ted Turner, as entirely blameless in all this. I mean Frodo will make allowances for someone who has pledged to donate $1 Billion to the United Nations. What's more, Brother Turner has amassed, and lost, at least two fortunes, one his father's, and one his own. Additionally, he was overheard to remark to his son, Teddy, who inquired about his personal situation when Turner Enterprises merged with Time-Warner, "You're toast." How can you not like a guy who takes all of life with a grain of salt? What we also know now is that he also takes whatever he can, when he can, and a "nooner" is part of his doctor's prescription, along with a little lithium, when needed.

Completing my circle on this, I've often considered the literary value of some of the first books Frodo ever read. Bear with me, as Frodo changes Mr. Turner's name to "Dick," and let's review, together, some direct quotations from one of those books, and apply them to Brother Turner and Ms. Fonda Hayden-Turner: "See Dick and Jane. See Jane Come. Come Jane, Come. See Dick Come. . ."

Could I go to jail for this?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:57 PM EST

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Friday, April 1, 2005

I Love the Smell of Napalm in the Morning
Mood:

mischievious
Topic: "Preemptive Invasion"
President George W. Bush today declared the War on Drugs as "Mission Accomplished." Standing amidst a field of poppies in Flanders, President Bush acknowledged the unfortunate destruction of nearby villages and towns and the loss of innocent lives. "These places with strange sounding names like Brussels and Ghent have been clearly documented as sources of fields of poppies all the way back to the days before World War I."
The President went on to say "Our nation owes a debt of gratitude to the irrefutable evidence amassed by the Intelligence Agencies and the Department of Defense."

Reacting to criticism by wimpy Judges and misguided Social Security recipients, President Bush noted that the Belgian Government had failed to respond to numerous telephone calls from the newly-selected President of the World Bank. "Mr. Wolfowitz dialed 411 all evening trying to get the name and phone number of the Head of State. He left message after message, and no one chose to respond. The United States had no choice but to protect her National Security by averting the imminent shipment across our national border of Narcotics of Mass Delusion."

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan met in emergency session with US Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice. Secretary Rice provided the Secretary General with a copy of a poem, dated 1918, which, she stated afterwards, convinced the Secretary General that there were fields of poppies growing in Belgium.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced his Governments' "complete and thorough" support for the strike against this "rogue state." German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder noted that his Country had attempted similar action twice before, and he applauded the "Coalition" victory. "President Bush, acted" he said "in the tradition of strong leaders bent on making the trains run on time and keeping the homeland secure against inferiors."

It is the First of April, isn't it?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:02 PM EST

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