Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Lord I Can't Go Back There
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Follow the Money"
Frodo will tonight attempt the greatest feat of magic ever presented in writing. In a few short paragraphs he will attempt to hold your attention while clearly and succinctly describing how a prominent political figure laundered money. Listen my children, and you shall read of the chicanery of Ralph Reed.

Between 1999 and 2002, Ralph Reed (through his business) was paid $4.2 Million to encourage the closure of the TIGUA Tribal Casino in El Paso, Texas. The Casino closed in 2002. In 2002, the attorneys who brought Reed into the deal approached the TIGUA tribe to reopen their closed casino, and their proposed fee was $4 Million.

The $4.2 Million deal included $1.15 Million which was paid to Reed for the specific purpose of helping to defeat the Lottery proposed for the State of Alabama in 1999. The $1.15 Million was originally received from an organization called the Americans for Tax Reform (Grover Norquist, in other words). Norquist received the money as a contribution from the CHOCTAW Tribal Casino of Mississippi. Norquist contributed the money directly to the Alabama Anti-Lottery Organization. The Alabama Anti-Lottery Organization turned right around and sent the money to their consultant, Ralph Reed.

Very briefly, Ralph Reed received money from one group of Indians, the CHOCTAWS, in order to help put their competition, the TIGUAS, out of business.

Reed has denied knowing that any money came from "gaming interests." In fact, he assured his client, the Alabama Anti-Lottery Organization, that no money from other gambling interests was involved.
The result is that there is no Lottery in Alabama, the Texas Casino was closed, and the CHOCTAWS control almost all of the gambling in a huge geographical portion of America.

The attorney who arranged all of this has been Reed's friend, business partner, and contributor for more than 20 years. His name is Jack Abramoff.

Does anyone feel like a shower?

Ralph Reed has announced his candidacy for the position of Lieutenant Governor, State of Georgia, as a Republican.

Does anyone else wish that Elliot Ness was still around?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:23 PM EDT

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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Exchanging Glances, Things Turned Out All Right
Mood:

chatty
Topic: "I'll Take a Vowel"
Frodo and Sam found Prissy in the North Farthing Animal Shelter. She was on "death row," and sat apart from all the other dogs, as if she had become resigned to her fate. Part dachshund, and part beagle, she was relatively small, short-haired, and certainly no threat to any of the neighbors in the treehouse complex. After she was spayed, the name followed quickly for the character in GONE WITH THE WIND whose most famous line was "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies, Miss Scarlett."

Oprah Winfrey appeared on local TV as a newscaster, and Pat Sajak was the weatherman on the NBC affiliate. In fact, Pat Sajak lived in the same treehouse complex as Frodo and Sam, and therein lies our tale for this evening, or should that be tail?

Prissy was perfectly adapted for treehouse living, but when Frodo returned from his daily trek to Mount Doom, it was time to cut loose in the parking lot for a countless number of unrestrained figure eights, and a game or two of chase the pet into the woods and out again. It was generally about this time of day that the TV weatherman would emerge from his limb of the treehouse, in preparation for his sojourn to Mount Doom. Prissy soon found an open door an open invitation to visit this heretofore unknown Hobbit.

Frodo's neighbor got to know Prissy on a first name basis. This gentle Hobbit knew where she lived, had learned to recognize Frodo on sight, but the Hobbits never even exchanged names.

When Frodo and Sam found their way to the Shire, Prissy had reached the stage where figure eights and chase the pet into the woods and out again had become historical events. Her favorite activity was visiting Katie and Jenny next door to see if she could sneak inside and eat the platefuls of food left for Charley, the feline philanderer.
One afternoon, Frodo, returning once again from Mount Doom, was summoned next door to retrieve the ancient one from Katie and Jenny's living room. There the three of them sat, side-by-side watching WHEEL OF FORTUNE, which unbeknownst to Frodo was Katie and Jenny's favorite show. Prissy, it seemed, was watching the screen intently, as if she were trying to guess the unidentified, partially-spelled word. At least, that is the way it appeared.

Frodo told Katie and Jenny about Prissy's acquaintance with the star of their favorite show, and they were duly impressed. For many days thereafter the three friends would gather together, when their Mothers were not paying attention, to expand their vocabularies as Vanna spun the wheel, and Pat played Host.

When finally Frodo and Sam had to prepare a final and permanent home in the Shire for Prissy, Katie and Jenny must have been watching from a window in their house next door. When the Service was completed, Frodo completed a tasteful monument to mark the days of her life, and he retreated to a lost evening.

The return from Mount Doom that next day was particularly ominous. To visit a monument to such a gallant heart hardly seemed fitting activity at that time of day. As Frodo neared the monument, Sam in hand, he noticed the hand-drawn and colored cards. They read, "Good Bye Prissy. We Miss You and We Love You. Katie and Jenny P.S. We Will Think of You Every Time They Spin the Wheel."

Frodo thinks every card should have a P.S.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:30 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 9:35 PM EDT

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Monday, May 16, 2005

You Probably Think This Song is About You
Mood:

smelly
Topic: "AM Radio Next?"
CNBC has announced, albeit very quietly, the cancellation of the "Dennis Miller Show." From its' peak viewership of approximately 168,000 close friends and relatives, the current figure of approximately 114,000 was too much for even little-watched CNBC to tolerate. For scope purposes, there are soccer matches which have greater physical attendance than the sum total of all viewers that Mr. Miller was able to obtain.

Frodo has taken note of the backward career of the former "Saturday Night Live" replacement for Chevy Chase on "Weekend Update." After Mr. Miller took over, the segment soon disappeared. From there Mr. Miller made his first foray into Pay-TV when he began to appear on HBO with "Dennis Miller Live." This high point in his career actually proved that Miller had a pulse. Given that assurance, he was able to convince the right-wing nutbag Al Michaels that he would be an addition to "Monday Night Football."

Dennis Miller was a bumbling, stumbling, mumbling incomprehensible drone. His attempts at humor were hidden behind a facade of shots of "the guys in the booth," that made even die-hard Cowboy fans retch. Rather than watch the end of Professional Football on TV, Miller was soon relegated to his own prime-time program which was billed as a mixture of comedy, interviews, and Miller's own conservative political opinion. Given notice of the pending cancellation, Miller asked that he "leave the show immediately."

Frodo believes that even right-wing conservative radio blowhards have some sense for business. Who in their right mind would hire a guy who has been replaced by reruns of "Mad Money With Jim Cramer?"
Dennis Miller will probably hold a press conference to announce that he is organizing a committee to support his candidacy for the former Senate seat of Zell Miller. He probably thinks that no one will notice a change. It will be the first thing he's gotten right.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:46 PM EDT

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Sunday, May 15, 2005

Shake, Shake, Shake
Mood:

silly
Topic: "The Eyes of Texas"
Stereotypes are hard to justify, but given the public record, Frodo believes that in order to be a resident of the State of Texas, one must be either 1). a fool; or 2). an idiot. State Senator Florence Shapiro (now there's a native for you), a Republican from Plano (an aptly named suburb of Dallas)has announced that the Senate Education Committee will not take action on the House Bill passed May 3rd.

The mundane little announcement is an attempt to derail the somewhat controversial "booty bill." The proposal would have given the state and local school districts greater authority to punish cheerleaders who performed provocative routines during school-sponsored events. When approved in the House, supportive lawmakers waved pompons. It should be noted that the measure also included drill teams and dance squads.

Ah ha, says Frodo, therein lies the key, dancing! The next thing you know, those Baylor-led Wacoites would eliminate Sweet Tea and other habit-forming tools of Satan. "Just look at all the terrible people who have put themselves on public exhibition in dance halls. Ronald Reagan didn't dance at all, even when he played a Catholic at Notre Dame!", said Irma Quisenberry of the Women's Temperance Union.

Frodo is reminded of the effort to come up with a new moniker for the City of Atlanta, currently still known as "The City Too Busy to Hate." How about a National Campaign to label Texas? "Virginia is For Lovers" is an example. To get the ball rolling, how about "Texas, Where the Eighteenth Century Never Ends." Another one might be, "Texas, Bring Your Own Books." Frodo is attracted by "Texas, No Nobel Prize Winners Again This Year."

Come on dear reader, give Frodo your best shot.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 4:06 PM EDT

Updated: Sunday, May 15, 2005 8:14 PM EDT

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Saturday, May 14, 2005

You Ask How Long I'll Love You, Must I Explain?
Mood:

special
Topic: "She is No Ma Kettle"
Galadriel is the light in a mirror. Every path is brightened by her presence, every journey's end sparkles with her smile.

Galadriel is above all the jewels that lie beneath the earth. "There is in her and in this land no evil," spaken Lord Aragorn.

Galadriel spoke to Frodo and said "Even as I speak to you dear Frodo, I perceive the Dark Lord and know his mind, or all of his mind that concerns us, and he gropes ever to see me and my thought, but still the door is closed to him."

"For what do you wish dear lady?," saith Frodo.

She answered, "That what should be shall be. The love we have for our land and its good works is deeper than the deeps of the Sea, yet we will cast all away rather than submit to Sauran."

Frodo caught the light in the eye of Boromir, and from that time and place they travelled on, as Brothers of the Ring. The light shines upon their path.

Many, many happy birthdays dear wife of the farmer, so saith Frodo, so say we all!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:28 PM EDT

Updated: Sunday, May 15, 2005 4:13 PM EDT

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Friday, May 13, 2005

Wouldn't You Like to Fly in My Beautiful Balloon
Mood:

blue
Topic: "Rocket Man"
39 years and 624 hour-long episodes ago, Frodo first heard Captain Kirk say "Engage, Mr. Sulu". That was soon followed by the immortal "Beam me up, Scotty," and the irrepressible "Live Long and Prosper." For the first time in television history, a white man and a black woman kissed on American TV, and nobody complained. Uhura was somebody Frodo wanted to kiss.

The cable channel UPN, most famous for its' role in "Boondocks", wrestling, and Tyra Banks will tonight broadcast the last original episode of what is now known as "Star Trek: Enterprise." This will conclude 18 consecutive years of a first-run "Star Trek" series on the air. It is truly a watershed in American History that slips as quietly from our view, appropriately, since it arrived on the scene with no fanfare whatsoever.

Frodo loved Jean-Luc Picard, a Renaissance Man, a fearless leader, a guiding mentor to "Number One," who directed the emotionless "Mr. Data." Jean-Luc who fell victim to "The Borg," and who had philosophical dialogue with Whoopi Goldberg as a serious character. Jean-Luc, who was never ashamed of his dalliances on the "Holideck," made Frodo wish that he, too, had attended Star Fleet Academy.

"Worf," "Commander Troi," "Commander Spock," "Dr. McCoy," and "Captain Kathryn Janeway," are the other characters who penetrated into the imagination of this Hobbit. Frodo was not alone, for Conventions of Star Trek followers have been occurring in countries around the world for decades. Costumes are ever present on Halloween, and Frodo always gives an extra candy bar to a Klingon or a Ferengi.

Wizards have spoken of the universal appeal of the multi-cultural, multi-species assemblage characterized as members of the various crews. The common foe could range from something as nondescript as a "Tribble," or as ominous as a "Romulan." Oh how Frodo has dreamed of boldly going where no Hobbit has gone before.

Dr. McCoy died in 1999. Scotty, alas, Scotty has Alzheimer's. Captain Kirk is an overweight shill for some stupid Internet business.

Frodo is going into the backyard of the Shire to look up at the stars tonight. The Enterprise beckons.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:16 PM EDT

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Thursday, May 12, 2005

Hear Me Roar, In Numbers Too Big to Ignore
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "Take a letter, dearie"
Frodo remembers often asking a very stupid question. The responses he got were always polite, but the further he gets from the asking, the more ashamed he is that he ever put the words together. He knows now that the black man kind of liked that seat in the back of the bus, shoot, it is generally the widest, and the air from open windows would make it cooler there than anyplace else. It was just that he didn't appreciate being told that that was where he had to sit.

The unity of a people is what brought about the glacial changes. The abuses which took place affected all of them, rich and poor, old and young, man and woman. It was a unity that extended far beyond any comparison to ending a senseless war. It was a unity that we will not see again, no matter how hard we try.

In Georgia, it is now the law that a woman and her doctor cannot proceed in her best interest without a mandated waiting period. Today, the Congress of the United States has commenced an effort to restrict military personnel from front line duty because of her gender. Family leave legislation is under assault from business groups all across the country. Tax laws have been amended which have enhanced the role of the non-working spouse and increased benefits for families with a greater number of children. All of which is, to Frodo, a little bit of reverse social engineering. Somebody has made the judgment that women don't want to sit anywhere on that bus, rather they like that back seat and that's where we're gonna put 'em.

Which brings us to Frodo's point. Nobody's going to do anything about it. Because the infringements are piecemeal, and not system-wide in their implementation, they can be piled on top of one another, brick by brick. Men are worthless as fighters in this battle. The result will not be unlike Edgar Allan Poe, and the foolish man looking for "The Cask of Amontillado." The light will be extinguished and the chains will tighten around the chest.

There is no unity of purpose. There is no communal uproar. There is no consensus. Frodo sees a feminine landscape as littered as that of the Party of the People.

It is time to combine the two. The Party of the People should select its' next Standard Bearer from the list of the ablest, most determined, most threatened of our fellow citizens. It is time.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:04 PM EDT

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Wednesday, May 11, 2005

My Ding-a-Ling-a-Ling
Mood:

flirty
Topic: "Science Marches On"
R. Brian Langerhans, a graduate student at Washington University in St. Louis, published the first study ever done on predators as an influence on genital evolution in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Langerhans studied two species of fish that give birth to live young, which he caught in ponds in the Bahamas and in Texas. The study showed that males taken from ponds that contained predatory fish had smaller sexual organs--by about 15 percent--than males from predator-free locations.

Females of the two species preferred the males with larger genitalia, according to the study. While males with large sex organs were more likely to get mates, they were also more likely to be eaten by predators because their genitalia are a drag on their swimming speed. "It's a groundbreaking study," said Duncan Irschick, an evolutionary biologist at Tulane University. "Sometimes male sex organs are the only thing that distinguishes one species from another," he said.

Langerhans concludes the study by pointing out that the subject males have non-retractable sex organs, and that they wave them at females in order to attract them. "It's not so dramatically obvious to our eyes," said Langerhans, "but for a female fish, a 15 percent difference is huge."

What? You think I'm making this all up? Let's have a little decorum out there while Frodo makes a point or two here.

First of all, I'll bet the fish with the little weenies came out of the ponds in Texas.

Secondly, Frodo is very curious about the male fish whose swimming speed is lessened due to the perspective of larger size. Evidently the manuverability of the fish is not lessened due to the presence of an extended rudder.

Finally, Frodo takes note of a personal lesson in this very valuable study. Frodo is going to have to be much more careful around predators.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:18 PM EDT

Updated: Wednesday, May 11, 2005 9:25 PM EDT

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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

You Lied, Straight-faced, While I Cried
Mood:

accident prone
Topic: "Emily Latella Lives"
All of the major networks, and all of the cable news outlets are today reporting a lie. It is not true that the President of the United States has been greeted by cheering throngs in Georgia. In fact, the President of the United States has not even set foot in Georgia at any time today. Frodo has it on good counsel that the President of the United States has been out of the country for several days.

Talk about manipulation of the news media, here they are getting ready to close military bases in Georgia and cutting thousands of indigents off Medicare, and these yahoos are reporting that the people of Georgia are cheering. One of these fallouts from "American Idol" has even had the gall to suggest that the President's "fight for democracy" resonates with Georgians. Frodo says "Hooey!"

Frodo drove down to Dobbins Air Force Base, where Air Force One always lands, and he asked the guard at the front gate if the President's plane had landed in Georgia today? Staff Sgt. Alfonso Gutierrez responded, "What you talkin' about Man?"
Frodo did note that Sgt. Gutierrez was particularly secretive, and kept his hand over his mouth when speaking on the telephone, presumably to the President's Press Secretary, and presumably informing him that the jig was up.

Georgia is a "red state," and it goes without saying that given the comparative standing of SAT scores among all the states that Bush carried Georgia by a healthy margin. How confident the Orcs must be that they could formulate such a falsehood. The question now becomes, where was Bush? He wasn't in Georgia, and Frodo can prove it.

"Pardon?"
"Oh, that Georgia."
"Well, it is a RED state, isn't it?"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:44 PM EDT

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Sunday, May 8, 2005

You Left Me, Just When I Needed You Most
Mood:

happy
Topic: "Eyes of a Gorilla"
In December, a group of eight rare mountain gorillas disappeared from an Ugandan Nature Reserve. Rumors sparked that the primates had been abducted by neighboring Rwanda in order to boost tourism in their National Parks. It has long been debated in Wildlife circles whether Uganda or Rwanda offers more favorable viewing of creatures in the wild. Frodo has always been partial to Panama City, Florida.

Last week the missing gorillas returned to their home in Uganda, accompanied by a new baby and another adult gorilla. Frodo was struck by the analogy to polite human society when a neighbors' daughter got "knocked up." The unfortunate young lady would depart for a "home" in a neighboring state, and return some time later with a perfectly plausible, although unbelievable, story about why she had this infant in her possession. Considering the events of the Jennifer Wilbanks non-story on all the TV networks, Frodo feels there is synergy here.

All eight gorillas boarded a Greyhound bus at the terminal in Duluth, Georgia, bound for Las Vegas. Once there, they headed south to Albuquerque, simply because it was spelled in as bizarre a manner as any word in their native tongue, and when repeated three times in rapid succession, sounds exactly like the mating call of some sort of jungle bird. Does, doesn't it?

One of the gorillas, a wide-eyed charmer, gave birth in Albuquerque. The father, she alleged, was an Hispanic male whose promise had been to elope, but whose intent had proved to be less than honorable. At this point, the gorillas called home, seeking assistance. The Ugandan Special Army (USA, for short) provided assistance back to their mountain home for all of the native gorillas and for their medical/spiritual adviser the Majority Leader of the United States Senate, Bill Frist. Dr. Frist, when asked to comment on the events that had taken place, responded by singing "OOO EEE OOO AH AH WING WANG WALLA WALLA BING BANG."

The commercial media back in Uganda feigned outrage at the investigative and transportation costs borne by taxpayers. Frodo feels quite confident that the entrance fee to Uganda's Nature Reserves will be increased to absorb the additional cost. This obviously mature solution far surpassed the activities of the monkeys in Gwinnett County. It does indeed prove that there, the animals are running the zoo.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:11 PM EDT

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