Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Monday, July 11, 2005

Do the Monkey Now
Mood:

blue
Topic: "Don't Feed the Animals"
There is a battle for life and death which has received even less coverage in the media than either the "Downing Street Memo" or the e-mails of Karl Rove. The conflict is the result of the throngs of camera-toting tourists who have crowded into the most scenic parts of South Africa and who have ignored all the warning signs that threaten fines for feeding the baboons. The animals have gotten used to the treats, and become increasingly aggressive in their search for more. A half loaf of discarded bread, for example, will provide a baboon with more nutrition than what could be obtained in four hours of foraging.

Jenni Trethowan of "Baboon Matters" manages nine monitors who try and keep baboons away from population centers, thereby reducing the potential for conflict with humans. The humans, says Ms. Trethowan, are sick of having their kitchens ransacked by primates who have an uncanny ability to break into houses. Twenty-one baboons were slain by humans in 1999, and eight were lost in 2004. It is believed that there are somewhere around 270 surviving baboons in 30 different troupes in the general area.

Diana Head, a resident of "Pringle Bay," a seaside village, removed all the gutters from her home and electrified a fence around her house after she found baboons trying to force open her upstairs windows. The entire village was under virtual siege last year after baboons repeatedly raided the local store and a children's nursery. "Things," she said, have gotten a bit better "because the dominant male baboon who led the raids and specialized in removing sliding glass doors, apparently has been replaced by a more placid baboon."

With deference to those who decry evolution as the process which produced modern man Frodo, who holds a unique position himself in that chain, cannot help but comment on this conflict between species of mammalian.

The well-intentioned imperialists gave more wealth to the inhabitants of the Middle East than could ever have been unilaterally amassed. This disturbance to the normal order of things is at the heart of conflict between these distant cousins. When the well-intentioned tried to lessen the reward or to change the rules, violence ensued. Frodo notes that the baboons had enough good sense to change leaders, and that sadly, dear reader, is where the similarity ends.

It seems to Frodo that George W. Bush would probably be pretty good at removing a sliding glass door. Were he in charge of that troupe, he would be recognized as an effective leader. That is, until all the baboons were gone.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:26 PM EDT

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Friday, July 8, 2005

You've Got the Magic Touch
Mood:

energetic
Topic: "What, Me Worry?"
Last night, a 21 year-old white boy named Jeff Francoeur played his first game as a Major League Baseball Player. He hit a home run late in the game, and cemented the Braves victory over the Cubs from Chicago (You know, Chicago, the place that only has two seasons, Winter and the Fourth of July).

Tonight the Braves found themselves tied with the Brewers of Milwaukee, when young Jeff Francoeur was again scheduled to bat. The Manager of the Braves, Bobby Cox, called the young man back to the bench, and substituted another 21 year-old white boy named Ryan Langerhans as a "pinch hitter." Langerhans hit a ground ball through the infield for a single, driving in the game winning run.

How did Cox know to do that? Is he actually Gandalf? Has he devised some magic potion, or perhaps a chant that energizes and inspires those around him? Whatever it is he needs to make sure that its' potency is not limited to the world of games between Hobbits and Halflings.

Frodo thinks Bobby Cox should be named Chief of Staff in the White House. John Scheurholz, the General Manager of the Braves, should replace George W. Bush. Pat Corrales, the Braves Bench Coach, whose job it is to position the team defensively, should replace Rumsfeld. Terry Pendleton, the Braves Hitting Coach, should become the new Secretary of State. Leo Mazzone, oh the famous "Rockin' Leo," Pitching Coach, should be Secretary of the Treasury. How many times has he made a "silk purse" out of a pitcher nobody else wanted? Additionally, Skip Caray, the crotchety son of Harry Caray, and the Dean of the Braves Announcers, is the man for Press Secretary.

Frodo would miss these guys very much. We all have to do our part however. This is the only way to replace those losers in the White House with real winners.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:58 PM EDT

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Thursday, July 7, 2005

I Got Rhythm, I Got Music
Mood:

lyrical
Topic: "Harpo Speaks"
The Rabun Gap-Nacoochee School may not mean much to you dear reader, but it might if Frodo told you that it is "Foxfire." It is the famous school in the mountains of North Georgia which is dedicated to the preservation of the arts and crafts of America's past. The series of books, entitled "Foxfire," have won world acclaim and are found in almost any library not managed by the Christian Coalition, the State of Texas, or Karl Rove.

Frodo noted that the annual harp camp was held this past week at "Foxfire" for the members of the Urban Youth Harp Ensemble. The 23 students, who range in age from 12 to 17, generally use one of the 11 harps owned by the Ensemble. Three of the students however have harps at home, and since even a used harp costs more than $2,500 that is not a small matter. What is neatest is that those three harps were paid for by the "Chasing the Dream" Foundation of Mr. Hank Aaron. That's right, the guy who hit 755 home runs.

Teacher Remy Johnson has as her main focus the reading of music, as opposed to memorizing each tune. The repertoire of the Ensemble includes classical selections by Bach and the pop song "Stand by Me." Ten of the students are boys, and they are helping to break the stereotype that the instrument is for girls.

"We stay to it," said Master Devon Boyd, 13, "To sit down and strum it, it's amazing. It is such a soothing sound." The time that these halflings spend devoted to the harp at camp is more than a semester of practice would yield in the school year.

An instrument as old as time itself, the harp represents the finer, more genteel aspects of music. Frodo is disappointed in himself that he never paid closer attention.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:14 PM EDT

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Wednesday, July 6, 2005

Just Like the Girl That Married Dear Old Dad
Mood:

spacey
Topic: "Is it in the Water?"
Remember the "Runaway Bride?" Well, now Atlanta is blessed with the "Chasity (sp) Belt." Frodo was amused to learn that a Clark Atlanta University Co-Ed named Chasity Lewis, reported missing on June 26th, turned up, surprisingly enough, in the Atlanta City Jail. The errant scholar it seems had been arrested for disturbing the peace, and had refused to identify herself to arresting officers. She was being held as "Jane Doe."

According to police reports, neighbors had complained that Chasity was walking back and forth along the street screaming and yelling. "Neighbors" is a relative term since the arrest took place six miles from her residence. Six days later her Mother, a resident of San Francisco, filed a "Missing Persons" Report with authorities in Atlanta. A search of her home yielded evidence that she had not planned to be absent from the location for any length of time, but there was no indication of her whereabouts. Eventually, someone (not identified) noticed a similarity between "Jane Doe" and TV newcast photos of the missing student of higher learning.

Chasity's relieved Mother identified her daughter on the telephone and promptly flew to Atlanta to be reunited and to find out what had happened. Unfortunately Mom had to leave the next day because she is a juror in an ongoing trial in San Francisco. She did, however, indicate that she plans to return to Atlanta as soon as possible.

Now grab your socks, because here comes the kicker. At this moment there are 43 other individuals in the Atlanta City Jail identified only as "Jane Doe?"

You can't make up stuff like this.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:33 PM EDT

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Tuesday, July 5, 2005

See the Pyramids Along the Nile
Mood:

lazy
Topic: "Wishin' and Hopin'"
Fortune magazine recently identified "five idyllic places" to retire. No surprise to Frodo that none of the five spots happened to be in Texas. It was surprising in the fact that the United States of America, to whom all the world wants to come, and in whom the entire world seems to invest, was not represented at all. This made Frodo wonder where the most powerful man in the world will retire, since Crawford is ill-equipped for a man of such, shall we say, "significance?"

San Carlos de Barloche in Argentina was first on the list. Since Bush speaks Spanish there is a certain attractiveness for a place that might understand what he has been saying. Certainly his English has not helped him to this point. Bush would have to learn the Tango, and Frodo knows that chewing gum at the same time would eliminate that possibility.

Dubrovnik in Croatia was next. Come on, do you honestly think Bush has any idea who the head guy is there? Do you honestly think he could place Croatia on a map? Bush would never go to someplace he would always mispronounce not named "WARSHINGTON."

Boquette, Panama, is an automatic elimination, unless it came in a package deal to return control of the Canal to the US of A. No Republican will ever admit that Jimmy Carter did the right thing.

Merida, Mexico, is an intriguing thought. Frodo remembers that it was Fox whom Bush first forced to visit him in Crawford, and it was Fox who exhibited the same sensitivity to other ethnic groups that characterizes him as an acceptable host. Plus, Bush could come back across the border anytime he wanted to, and there would be total amnesty.

Phuket, Thailand. We all know exactly what Bush would say, and it wouldn't even be funny.

No, Frodo, thinks that Bush will stay in Texas. At least it will be good knowing that he won't be on American soil.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:27 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, July 5, 2005 9:31 PM EDT

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Friday, July 1, 2005

It's Only Me Pursuing Something I'm Not Sure Of
Mood:

surprised
Topic: "Iran's Tom Hayden"
Frodo has been comparing the pictures for a couple of days now, and has to admit that although there is a strong resemblance, it doesn't appear to be the same guy. That does not, however, mean that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was not elsewhere in the crowd. The Iranian President-Elect, and any role he may have played in the takeover of the American Embassy in Tehran in 1979, has caused Frodo to wonder what he would do if he were the American President (or if anyone with a shred of common sense were in said role).

"President Frodo."
"Yes Bob"
""Given the fact that the soon-to-be new Iranian President was directly involved in the takeover of the US Embassy in Tehran in 1979, what will be the response of the United States to his role on the world stage?"
"Bob, that act was a true terrorist act. Individuals acted against a monarchy at the behest of religious leaders. It would be as if the Reverend Jerry Falwell sponsored groups trying to unseat former President George W. Bush, and seized the Embassy of Spain. It is the kind of act which set the stage for lawless acts that followed all around the world. It is the act for which participants must be held accountable."
"Bob," said President Frodo, "I have asked the Attorney-General of the United States to initiate an investigation into the activities of Ahmadinejad in that unlawful incident and its' aftermath. If there is sufficient evidence of his direct involvement, the United States of America will seek his indictment before the World Court. The charge will be Terrorism."
"Further, should he be indicted, he will be tried, even "in absentia."
"President Frodo."
"Yes David."
"Would the United States seek his arrest?"
"Absolutely. He would be immediately taken into custody should he set foot in the United States. Further, the United States would seek his extradition from any country subscribing to the World Court."
"Mr. President."
"Yes John"
"Would the United States act on its' own to take him. . ."
"Absolutely not. We are a Nation of Laws, we will act in accordance with International Law."

There, dear reader, is why a nation subscribes to the tenets of the World Court. It is why we are a part of the civilized world, and not its' policeman, its' bully, its' self-appointed leader. Terrorism is our foe, and it is better to fight it than to join it.

That is the America that Frodo celebrates over this Fourth of July. God Bless America.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:07 AM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, July 12, 2005 9:22 PM EDT

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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Early On a Frosty Morning, Look Away, Look Away, Look Away
Mood:

sad
Topic: "Run, old hare!"
"As he touched his spurs to the flank of his horse, the men surged forward, charging with him into the sheet of flame which blazed to meet them there among the blossoms letting fall their bright pink rain."

Frodo is very sensitive to any glorification of War. Shelby Foote however, described the Civil War as America's "Iliad," and he transfigured the people and the places into prose. He made the reader remember that these were once human beings who walked on our roads, smelled our roses, and tasted the water in our springs. Mr. Foote passed away yesterday at age 88 in his hometown of Memphis.

Shelby Foote came to the Shire on television with 89 appearances in the 1990 PBS documentary about the War. He wore a gray-and-silver beard , had sorrowful eyes, and held the grave countenance of a general who had seen too much. Listening to his description of an event, the reader could almost smell the pipe or the glass of bourbon staring back at him from the writer's table. He did not glorify War, he told its' anecdotes.

The sentence which opens this tribute described the bayonet charge into a peach orchard led by A.S. Johnston. Johnston was struck by a "minnie ball" and bled to death on the battlefield. Now go back and read that sentence again, then close your eyes. The fallen soldier in your minds' eye is a portrait painted there by Shelby Foote.

In a typical vignette, he told about a soldier in Pickett's Brigade who came across a rabbit as he entered the field. The rabbit scampered deep into the woods away from the Yankee guns on the far side of the open field. "Run, old hare! If I was an old hare, I'd run too," said the soldier. The soldier did not run and he died.

Frodo will miss Mr. Foote. Frodo always wanted to buy him a glass of bourbon, and to watch an episode of "As the World Turns," with him, which he watched every single writing day. His book, "The Civil War: A Narrative," took eleven years in composition, and it is twice as long as The Bible. In 1999, the book was named as "Number 15" in the list of the 20th century's 100 best works of nonfiction written in English. He wrote it in long hand, with an ink pen; at least 500 words every single day.

There is a bottle in the library. A taste will be appropriate. Frodo gave up smoke a long time ago, so he will close his eyes and see if he can remember the taste.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:36 PM EDT

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Monday, June 27, 2005

Get Your Motor Running, Get Out on the Highway
Mood:

rushed
Topic: "Runaround Tsu"
Frodo takes special pleasure in those accomplishments which stand the test of time. A few weeks ago, Mr. Kozo Haraguchi, a Japanese national, ran the 100 meters in 22.04 seconds.

"22.04 seconds? Are you crazy Frodo? The world record is somewhere around 9.1 seconds. That may be the slowest time I've ever heard recorded for the 100 meters," so said Legolas. "The way I figure it," he said "your speed demon was cruising in at about 4 miles an hour over a distance shorter than a football field."

"I know my friend,' saith Frodo, "but you need to consider that it was raining, and that Mr. Haraguchi was afraid that he might fall. After all, it was the first time that he had ever run competitively in the rain."

"Is there something I'm missing in all of this?" said Legolas.

"Oh, didn't I tell you that Mr. Haraguchi is 95 years old?" said Frodo. "He broke the world record for the 100 meters in the 95-99 years of age grouping" (previously held by Erwin Jaskulski of Hawaii at 24.01 seconds).

Frodo notes that Mr. Haraguchi also holds the record in the 90-95 age bracket, when he covered the same distance in 18.8 seconds back in 2000. This was the same year that George W. Bush became President. Five years later, he is also running around in circles.

Frodo is trying to picture what George W. Bush will look like when he turns 95. No matter what state he's in at that time (e.g. animal, vegetable, or mineral), he will be the penultimate example of how dope affects the outcome of a race.

Tomorrow night he addresses the American people to explain how we're winning the War in Iraq. The Braves play the Marlins, and the NBA Draft is on ESPN. It is nice to have alternatives in case he forgets to submit his resignation.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:55 PM EDT

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Sunday, June 26, 2005

Fighting Soldiers From the Sky, Fearless Men
Mood:

sad
Topic: "Curious, George?"
James Webb completed a tour in Iraq that lasted a year and a week. He suffered a back injury resulting from an explosion. He is no longer able to stand up straight, and he hobbles around on legs that no longer support him properly. He also suffers from sleep-busting dreams, popping painkillers during the day, and anxiety about how he will pay next month's mortgage payment. Webb received a medical discharge on February 4th, 2005, and he subsequently was shipped home and filed for disability benefits. He was told "We'll get back to you in eight months."

Frodo has learned that the number of cases BACKLOGGED for processing by the Veterans Administration has now grown to more than 340,000. Now, obviously, not all of these are wounded veterans of the Iraqi insurgency, but for Mr. Webb, it is an emergency. Webb goes to a local hospital for physical therapy, which is paid by his wife's medical insurance. The strain on their marriage rests in the fact that she provides all their income, mothers three children, and is fighting foreclosure on their home.

United States Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho), chairman of the Committee on Veterans Affairs said resources were adequate to take care of veterans' needs. Veterans groups lobbied Congress to add $2 Billion to the $80 Billion supplemental Military Appropriation specifically for veterans healthcare. The measure failed to pass.

Mr. Webb's mother sought assistance from a local veterans group seeking assistance for her son. The group attempted to intercede on Webb's behalf, but the Veterans Administration responded that Webb would have to wait his turn. The spokesman for the veterans group said "Army people are poor people. We are not high on any totem pole."

Emotion aside, Frodo has a question for you, dear reader. What do you think Governor Jeb Bush had to do to get the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) to hire hundreds of temporary employees to process damage claims from hurricanes in Florida?
Frodo would never suggest that such assistance was unneeded, he simply wonders why it mattered so much in comparison to a backlog of benefits claims on behalf of wounded soldiers?

Florida voters live in nice houses and Florida voters contribute a lot of money to politicians. Frodo supposes that they are pretty high on the totem pole. James Webb still has trouble sleeping, worrying about how he'll deal with tomorrow. Before he was discharged, the Army took his weapon from him while he was being treated at a stress clinic.

What we know is that soldiers wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan are surviving severe injuries at higher rates than in any previous war. Many of the most severely wounded are facing lifelong rehabilitation for amputations and trauma. The New England Journal of Medicine has reported that 1 in 6 of every returning soldier will suffer post-traumatic stress disorder.

What we hope is that none of them will need help for at least eight months after they get home. Frodo wonders if George W. Bush thinks about this problem "every single day?"

Frodo never thought that he would have to include James Webb under the umbrella of the "smallest and the weakest." Frodo is ashamed that such is the case.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:45 PM EDT

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Saturday, June 25, 2005

Hush My Darling, Don't Fear My Darling
Mood:

incredulous
Topic: "M-G-M Material"
Part of Frodo believes that there is always something rational to explain a miracle. The Red Sea parted, probably, because of the confluence of tidal factors. A Star appeared to Wise Men, probably, because the orbits of heavenly bodies converged together in a predictably occasional event. Then, there is always the nagging assertion that sometimes events simply transcend reason.

A few weeks ago a young girl was kidnapped and beaten by her abductors. The seven men were trying to force the young girl into marriage. In her land, more than 70 percent of all marriages begin with abductions such as this. In this case, the girl refused the opportunity provided to her, so the stalwart males proceeded to beat the hell out of her. Apparently, the disturbance attracted three of the approximately 1,000 lions who wander freely in the deserts of Ethiopia. The abductors fled, leaving the young girl bloodied and whimpering to the "mercy" of the lions.

The lions stood guard over the young girl. They stayed with her until police and relatives found her outside the town of Bita Genet. They never harmed or threatened the young girl, they simply guarded her from further harm until proper help arrived.

Stuart Williams, a wildlife expert with the Rural Development Ministry in Ethiopia, stated that "A young girl whimpering could be mistaken for the mewing sound from a lion cub, which probably explains why they didn't eat her."

The black-maned lions are Ethiopia's National Symbol. Despite a recent crackdown, hunters kill the animals for their skins, which can fetch more than $1,000 even in this impoverished nation.

If Frodo were a lion, he probably would have voted to give humankind one more chance. "Friends," he would say, "we could eat this child, and fend off starvation for several days. We might then be blamed for her death, and thereby further inflame the hunter's zeal."

"Friends, let us observe this human child, and protect her until the members of her pride come to claim her. This would be at least one human, of which there are more than 70,000,000 in this land, who would know that our lives are important."

"Frodo, you are a fool," so would say the lion named Rove. "Real lions drive humans away from their hunting grounds, we kill their young, and they never bother us. That is why we have the strongest prides and the best hunting lands. I, Rove, say 'Eat her and be done with it.'"

The third lion would pace all around the young girl, sniffing; smelling the blood, and listening; hearing the moans of pain. "Frodo is surely wise, but he is lean and he does not provide as well for his family as does Rove, who is well-fed with fat cubs. Is it not our purpose to provide for our own? This human child is small and provides little meat for us, or our prides, so why should we not go on about our hunt for more substantial game? There is no reason for us to stay here and look over the offspring of those who do not respect us, the symbol of this very nation of humans."

Just then human voices are heard nearby, so the lions stand their ground until they can observe the nature of the disturbance, and the size of the intruders. Seeing that they are many, and that they have guns, the three lions slip away over a sand dune and into the scrub brush below.

Frodo supposes that sometimes simple civil discourse brings solutions to even the biggest problems. That is a miracle that even science can't explain.

Four of the seven abductors have been captured. Frodo hopes it was by lions.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:58 PM EDT

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