Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Splish, Splash, I Was Taking a Bath
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Trojans?"
On the 23rd of November the largest aquarium in the world will open to the general public. The good people of Oregon, a land somewhere beyond Eriador, are sending a great gift to those of us in the Shire to commemorate this event. Oz, a 5-year-old sea otter, will arrive in time for the grand opening.

Sea otters were once found from Baja to Alaska, but unlimited hunting for their luxurious fur reduced the total number to only 13 small colonies by 1911. The fur of the sea otter contains approximately 1 million hairs per square inch, as compared to the 100,000 total number of hairs on the head of a Hobbit (Frodo notes that by definition his personal mane will never again be qualified as "luxurious"). Oz, however, is the very first sea otter to have been conceived, born and raised by its mother in a zoo or aquarium. All those born before him died in infancy.

Each year on his birthday, January 3rd, the community of Portland has held a birthday party for Oz. His name, derived from "Oregon Zoo," signified his importance to this land so very far from the Shire. Frodo naturally assumed that this great gift was extended for a greater purpose, since Oz will share quarters with a female sea otter from the Denver aquarium. Frodo is confused by the truth.

There are no plans to breed Oz and his female habitat mate, and Oz is being given a "form" of birth control.

Excuse me? A "form" of birth control? For the male of the species? Are we talking "Otterectomy," or perhaps some form of behaviorally adjusted rhythm to the method?

Frodo used to enjoy those scenes on "Animal Planet," apparently where the sea otters float on their backs amidst the floating kelp, and pound abalone shells against the stones perched on their bellies. At least that is what Frodo thought was happening. How incredibly ingenious Oz must be to deftly remove the little condom from its' package, and to stretch it out and unroll it over his little Willy all while floating on his back. "Animal Planet" will never seem the same, but Frodo is looking forward to watching Oz perform in or out of captivity.

What else will there be to do when you've finished off your frozen fish for the day?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:43 PM EDT

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Monday, October 24, 2005

From This Valley They Say You Are Going
Mood:

chillin'
Topic: "Help Wanted"
As a public service and in an effort to improve the efficiency of the United States Government, Frodo offers the following WANT ADS, free-of-charge, to the appropriate employer of record.

Chief of Staff, Office of the Vice President, Executive Branch, The White House, Washington D.C.--must be American citizen. Position requires professional compositional experience in fiction. Incumbent must be able to make mountains out of molehills in support of born liar. Incumbent will be expected to discourage journalistic integrity. Prefer individual with sophmoric nickname. No Veterans' preference will be granted to applicants. Position provides transitional opportunity to major government contracting corporate entity. Call 202-212-1112, ask for "Buffalo Bob."

Principal Adviser, Office of the President, Executive Branch, The White House, Washington D.C.--Visa not required. Position requires total absence of personality. Incumbent will be expected to obfuscate the facts regarding any situation. Incumbent will be expected to "stragetize" without regard to morality or other non-essential activities in behalf of American "bidness." Prefer individual who knows all the words to "Melancholy Baby." Position provides frequent travel to rural dude ranch and to staged public speeches in all-white settings. Call 202-212-1111, ask for "Howdy Doody."

Frodo volunteers to compose additional WANT ADS based on the findings of the Special Prosecutor, and the American people, who finally seem to have extricated their collective heads from their butts.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:55 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, October 25, 2005 8:44 PM EDT

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Thursday, October 20, 2005

Workin' in a Coal Mine, Goin' Downtown Now
Mood:

hungry
Topic: "The Brotherhood Begins"
Frodo first knew Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, and the other members of the Fellowship before he knew of the Ring or the evil Sauron. In carefree days, when we were soldiers of another kind, there were many reasons to explore the capital of our nation. The best reason was to sample the fare which an active metabolism allows. Best of all these was "Senate Bean Soup."

Gimli was the most stately of the group, with a wit as sharp as a bladeaxe and the willingness to swing for the knees. Leading the group into the bowels beneath the US Capitol to the cafeteria reserved for Members of Congress and their staff, Gimli would strike a pontifical pose. Walking past the guards, as if he truly belonged there, he would engage Boromir in a discussion regarding the merit to "The Gulf of Tonkin Resolution." Legolas would take off on Tax policy as the Fellowship descended on the cafeteria line, plunked down their $1 bills, and watched as the delightful soup was ladled into an "Official" US Senate bowl. The guards were easily fooled.

Frodo learned from his friend to always enter as if he owned the joint, and to strike a shocked pose if challenged. It has served Frodo well.

In those days, before there were Hobbits, Men of Gondor, and Riders of Rohan, Frodo knew this group as Arlin, John, and Mike. Occasionally we would be joined by others, but the Fellowship of the Ring remained united. On one memorable occasion, the founding Director of the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover, had finally died, and the nation was masking its' mirth by laying his body in state in the Capitol Rotunda. It was a festive atmosphere that drew us from our labours at Mount Doom. We decided that the best place to "star gaze" was at the rear of the Capitol where the limousines unloaded.

Standing amidst the throng of tourists, who come to Washington as if they were swallows seeking Capistrano, we were joined by an interloper known as Jerry. We stood silently as the tourists around us stared expectantly at each approaching limousine. The whispering speculation as to the identity of each somber countenance was too much for Frodo to stand. When the first limousine emptied Frodo announced in a loud tone that that was "John Connolly, Secretary of the Treasury." Immediately the whispering grew feverish as cameras flashed and tourists fell over each other trying to get a look at the stumblebum from Texas (Republic of Mexico).

As the second limousine pulled up the crowd grew silent, staring straight ahead, but with ears cocked to Frodo. He announced "That is John Mitchell, Attorney General." The buzzing was akin to a million hornets as tourists addressed each other as if now they were Washington Insiders.

Mike and Jerry could stand it no more, for tolerance to tourists is not something which Washingtonians inherit from their parents. It is an acquired quality, if ever acquired. The two of them walked down to the actual entrance in order to enter the Rortunda, and, of course, that sent the accumulated tourists to gaggle.

Slowly, the entire crowd turned to Frodo to identify the unidentified walking in a most dignified manner. With all his pomposity Frodo boomed, "That is Mike and Jerry." The tourists cocked their heads one to another and the speculation grew rampant until one finally happened upon the names of Mike Mansfield and Jerry Ford. As a group they turned to where Frodo had been, only to notice the space abandoned, and their tourguide in absentia. To this day Frodo knows that some of those tourists have photographs of Mike and Jerry which they proudly share with family and friends as candid photos of the Senate Majority Leader and the House Minority Leader.

Frodo, Boromir, Legolas, and Gimli gathered in the Senate cafeteria, and laughed in the way that only those full of hopes and dreams can laugh. The soup was great, the fellowship was real.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:22 PM EDT

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Rubber Ducky, You're The One
Mood:

silly
Topic: "Goose Again"
Frodo is unable to recall the first time that he saw a Canadian Goose. They were virtually unknown in the Shire for many years. Tales of mates lingering for days over the body of the fallen were romantic stories told by children and published in THE READER'S DIGEST. Today, of course, the Canadian Goose has reached epidemic numbers, and since every adult produces approximately one pound of goose poop per day, a bit of a sanitary problem as well. Ah but, the problems of the Shire pale in comparison to those of Ulf Ilback and his son Carl Johan (Ilback) of Sweden.

Mr. Ilback and his son were hunting along a stream in the eastern part of their homeland when Carl Johan fired a shot aloft at a wayward Canadian Goose. Falling from approximately 60 feet in the air, it hit Ulf in the head and knocked him out cold (which goes without saying in Sweden). Two days later, when Ulf awoke, he was heard to say that "It wanted to extract its revenge, I assume. If such is indeed the case, then I shall surely wear a helmet next month when I go Moose hunting."

Frodo truly hopes that Mr. Ilback recovers fully from his injuries. Had this goose occurred in the US of A Frodo fears that the story would have expanded to match the population.

Given America's present leadership, Frodo envisions Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association suggesting protective tax benefits for injured hunters. Charlton Heston, if he had a mind to (and for that comment Frodo truly apologizes), would probably say that no goose would ever pull the rifle from "these cold, dead hands." The Secretary of Homeland Obscurity would declare a "yellow alert," and President Bush would read a speech promoting the drilling of oilwells in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

It just goes to show you, dear reader, that if even a single goose can put you in the hospital, then a handful can put you in deep doo-doo.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:28 PM EDT

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Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I Was Waltzin' With My Darlin'
Mood:

special
Topic: "Queen of Memphis"
Frodo turned the rearview mirror on his motorcar so that he was unable to see behind him. "Why did you do that, Mr. Frodo?," asked Sam. "Because I do not care to ever lay eyes upon that place again," said Frodo as they entered onto the Interstate Highway heading East, away from Memphis.

Robert Hanson was the radio operator on a B-17 that flew 25 combat missions over Germany and Occupied France. He was the last surviving member of the crew that flew a plane known as the "Memphis Belle." At age 85, Mr. Hanson passed away last week from congestive heart failure.

The "Memphis Belle" was hit by flak, cannon shells, and machine gun bullets while she racked up over 148 hours of flight time, and dropped more than 60 tons of bombs. Every major part of the airplane was replaced at least once, and four of her crew members died during combat.

Frodo is ashamed that he cannot immediately recall the name of each of those crew members. Perhaps it is enough that he remembers the "Memphis Belle," and recognizes the one good thing that registers in his mind when he thinks of that mosquito haven on the Mississippi.

Mr. Hanson, according to friends, was very fond of ending telephone conversations in the same manner as his on-air sign off in Morse Code. Instead of something pithy, he would simply say "dit, dit, dit, dah, dit, dah."

To you gallant Sir, "dit, dit, dit, dah, dit, dah," and Thank You.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:55 PM EDT

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Monday, October 17, 2005

Write Me a Letter Soon, And I'll be Homeward Bound
Mood:

amorous
Topic: "Bang the Drum Slowly"
Judith Miller looks like one of those women whose head was shaved for fraternizing with German troops during the occupation of Paris. "Scooter" Libby, dressed in green, looks like someone who has just been called "Herr Wachtmeister" by a White House Intern. Frodo believes that the two of them have been conducting an illicit relationship. Miller has disguised the affair by publishing articles supportive of the Administration. Libby, of course, was the source. Libby disguised his true involvement by reporting back to his boss, the Vice President of the United States, in order to document his efforts to discredit Administration critics.

Judith Miller spent 85 days in jail. Scooter wrote her letters in which he hoped she would soon be free to see the trees in the West that she so truly loved. Frodo notes that Vice President Cheney is from Wyoming, and that there are lots of trees there.

No pictures of Scooter and his immediate family have been presented by print or visual media. In fact, the few pictures that do exist seem to feature Scooter all alone, and none are relatively recent. Frodo notes that it would therefore be much more difficult for hotel employees to recall seeing him with Miller, or anyone else for that matter.

Frodo notes also that the editorial management of the NEW YORK TIMES, which is the employer of record for Ms. Miller, has been noticeably reticent in its' responsibility to control the former winner of a Pulitzer Prize. Acting with a very long leash, if you will, Ms. Miller may also have been spreading a few favors in the direction of one or two of those guys.

Frodo decided that these coincidental facts required true investigative effort. Cloaking himself as he did before entering Mordor, Frodo strolled past the guard gate on Pennsylvania Avenue and entered the West Wing of the White House. He walked past Mary Matalin's office, and saw Dick Cheney picking his nose. Then he was there, directly in front of the strangely silent Libby Alcove. Frodo walked to Libby's desk and opened the lap drawer.

It is there, dear reader, for Frodo saw it with his own eyes. A blue dress.

Frodo took a piece of paper from his pocket and scribbled down a telephone number. He pinned the note to the front of the stained garment. Frodo closed the lap drawer and strolled out of the White House in the same manner as he entered. When out on Pennsylvania Avenue again he removed his cloak and whistled a happy tune as he strolled toward the Washington Monument.

Standing on the Mall, looking first to the Capitol, and then to the Lincoln Memorial, Frodo grinned. "I wonder," he said "what Scooter will say when that telephone is answered by Linda Tripp?"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:53 PM EDT

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Thursday, October 13, 2005

People Get Ready There's a Train A'Comin'
Mood:

caffeinated
Topic: "Bushenomics"
Some questions are not asked, because they are impolite. Some statements are not made, because they are impertinent. Questions not asked, theories not aired--sounds like a Press Conference at the White House! What follows are hypothetical questions from "Crack White House Analyst" Frodo to "Cracked White House Resident" Bush, and hypothetical responses.

"Mr. President, the cumulative Federal Deficit is at its highest level in American History. The overwhelming majority of that deficit was created during the one term served by your father as President, and during your nearly five years in office as President. Isn't it true that the growth of the deficit has been intentional?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"A follow-up Sir, isn't it true that the intentional swelling of the deficit is a strategic effort to eliminate, or at least emasculate, discretionary spending items from the Federal Budget?"

"Yes, that is correct. It is also an effort to substantially reduce the tax burden on the American people."

"Pardon me for following up again Sir, but can you explain this strategy to the American people?"

"Surely, and thank you for giving me the opportunity. It has long been the desire of those of us with a conservative approach to want to limit the size of government. The only way to defeat the "political" and "pork" decisions which swell the budget is to take away the availability of money. By borrowing so heavily at this time, we recognize that, soon, the debt will have to be repaid. After taking out just enough money to provide for our national security and defense, the remainder of all other government income would go to satisfy the bonds purchased by those who actually lent us the money which created the deficit. In that way, we wean the American people off of relying on the government."

"Please Sir, and thank you, but we need to know what happens to food stamps, to housing assistance, to Medicare, to flood insurance, to student loans, to any of those things which government, at its' discretion, does to help those who are most vulnerable in our society?"

"People must learn to provide for themselves and their families, and they should not expect government to provide for them. In this approach we can substantially reduce taxes once the debt is paid, and we can allow the American people to keep even more of their hard earned money."

"Thank you Mr. President"

"Thank you Mr. Frodo."

"Neanderthal"

"Asshole."

"Herbert Hoover."

"Franklin Roosevelt."

"Yo Mama."

"Pussy."

"Drunk."

"Hippie."

"Reactionary."

"Communist."

"Moron."

"Homo."

"Liar."

"Well, let's give some others a chance. Any other questions?"

"Yes Mr. President, Caspar Milquetoast from Faux News top-rated 'Softball,' and my question is about the Secretary of State. Did she find any bargains on Rodeo Drive when shopping for shoes?"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:07 PM EDT

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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

If You Think I'm Sexy, Come on Baby, Let Me Know
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Sheep and Museums"
Frodo is pleased to announce plans for the opening this coming spring of the $8.3 million "London Academy of Sex and Relationships" adjacent to Piccadilly Circus. The privately funded project has support from sexual health organizations and charities. The sexual "theme park" will be a multimedia attraction whose goal is to teach visitors to become better lovers and to provide information about disease and sexual problems. Developers promise that it will not be a sleazy sex museum.

Rats.

Frodo is, however, proud to carry the ring while others argue. Frodo will gladly offer his services in order to ensure the success of this noble undertaking. In fact, Frodo has compiled a list of interactive exhibits and demonstrations which could prove to be both educational and (ahem) stimulating.

Frodo could demonstrate the one-handed, sightless, behind-the-back manipulation of clasps, while reclining in the seat of a 1960 Rambler Station Wagon.

Frodo could also suggest a number of tried and true pick-up lines, including such time-honored family favorites as "Hi, I understand you've been waiting for me? My name is Mister Right." When working in tandem with a buddy one of the most productive was "Hi, this is my friend Thad, who, in turn, will introduce me." In truth, that which always worked best was "Gee, it's too bad the Lamborghini is in the shop, you'd love the ride out to the yacht."

Would it surprise you, dear reader, to know that Frodo is a Scorpio? So is Sam.

Best of all Frodo could make himself available in any of the potential segments of the park. You know, "Fantasyland,""Adventureland,""Tomorrowland," and quite probably "Yesterdayland." Oh well, what else is there to do in London? The food sucks.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:17 PM EDT

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Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin' on The River
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "Bush in the Bullrushes"
The northern snakehead, native to China and Korea, first appeared in the US of A in 2002 in a farm pond near Crofton, Maryland. Concerned about the fertility, as well as the mobility of these predators, wildlife officials poisoned the entire pond. They found six adults and more than 1,000 dead juveniles when the pond was drained. Last year, more snakeheads, with no genetic connection to those found in the Crofton pond, were found in the nearby Potomac River. More than 70 snakeheads had been caught in the River so far this year.

Bass Pro Shops has offered $50 gift certificates for every snakehead caught and brought into their store in Hanover, Maryland.

This past Sunday Mark Hammond, Mike Bowers, and Tom Dustin brought more than 80 snakeheads into the store. Allan Ellis, promotions manager at Bass Pro Shops, declined to give out more than $4,000 in gift cards because the fish were caught in nets. "They're in there by the thousands. The ones we caught didn't even put a dent in them. We would throw one in the cooler, two others would jump out and we'd have to chase them through the woods," said Mr. Hammond.

"Chase them through the woods?", queried Frodo.

Julia Dixon of the Virginia Department of Game and Inland Fisheries responded that the snakehead does stay upright on the ground, and wiggles its' way from one body of water to another. "They are a top line predator, so they're going to be competing for the same space and food as bass, and we'll just have to see what shakes out," she added.

Frodo never thought that the Smallmouth Bass of the Upper Potomac River might someday come under the aegis of the Endangered Species Act. That is, assuming the Endangered Species Act doesn't become endangered itself under the smooth leadership of the Bush Presidency and its' rubber-stamp Congress.

One day, many years ago, Frodo and his canine companion Prissy waded into the Potomac at a place called Stubblefield. Prissy, being short of stature, was conveniently parked on a sandbar while Frodo stood atop the rapids fishing for Smallmouth. After many minutes Prissy could stand solace no longer and waded into the rapids to swim to her Hobbit. Frodo eventually noticed his friend in deep trouble, swimming furiously against the current, and being pulled steadily downstream.

Frodo abandoned his fishing rod, his lures, all the prizes saved over several lifetimes, and swam at speeds previously undiscovered. Frodo kept his gaze on the pleading eyes of his friend. Faster, and faster, and faster still, until he caught her collar and pulled her to him. They drifted in the current, together, until Frodo could grasp an outcropping of rocks and make way to shore.

Prissy shook herself several times as they walked along the shore. She followed as Frodo made his way to a parallel point to where he had abandoned his fishing gear. Frodo looked at Prissy, and told her to "Stay." He was sure that this would be one command obeyed, no matter what. Frodo walked into the water and found his fishing rod, and all his gear, pinned up against a rock, intact.

When they reached their motorcar Prissy abandoned her normal spot in the passenger seat in order to lay her head on the leg of her Hobbit. Grateful prayers were prayed, and two friends went home.

Frodo knows that Prissy's heart would break if she knew that there may someday be no reason for Hobbit and Hound to wade at Stubblefield.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:52 PM EDT

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Sunday, October 9, 2005

If They Don't Win It's a Shame
Mood:

blue
Topic: "First Learn to Lose"
Frodo has been plagued by failure from his first team in Little League. The "Salona Village All-Stars" finished their first season 0-12. As a pre-teen Frodo's favorite professional baseball team moved to another city, twice. Frodo became an early devotee of Charles Schulz, and it didn't take much for Frodo to see the similarity between himself and the enigmatic Charlie Brown.

Tonight another of Frodo's favorite teams ended its' season on a down note. As inning compounded upon inning, Frodo was aware of an impending sense of doom. Despite the heroics of trying so very hard, there comes upon the participant the sense that the moment is reserved for someone else. Frodo participates in every play, and he could not have done more to cheer on his skillionaire compadres.

There is always resentment. Hatred is reserved for any team from New York or the Dallas Cowboys. The Houston Astros have always been bridesmaids, and Frodo is confident that they will also fall on their way to the precipice of baseball one-upsmanship. Frodo just doesn't like to see Texans celebrating.

College Basketball will be starting soon. Texas basketball teams are made up of players from other parts of the country. The reason for this is that Texas players cannot jump and they tend to trip over their shoelaces. Should Frodo's favorite team fall short of the zenith of the sport, at least it won't be to a bunch of Texans with big mouths and little Willys.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:46 PM EDT

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