Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Hot, Hot, Hot
Mood:

irritated
Topic: "Congress' Schmidthead"
Frodo awoke this morning to realize that his Congressional Representative was going to make $3100 more this year than he did last year. Frodo did not give him a pay raise, he gave himself one. Had the story not appeared in the local newspaper Frodo would not have known since his Congressional Representative did not notify Frodo that he intended to vote himself a pay raise. Frodo's Congressional Representative is a Doctor, he is a Republican, and he looks like he uses his mustache as a soup-strainer.

Representative Jean Schmidt (R-Ohio) the junior-most member of the US House, winner of a special election held earlier this year, has been broadcast on most networks in a replay of her comments relative to Representative John Murtha (D-Pennsylvania). Schmidthead referred to Representative Murtha, a 37 year veteran of the US Marine Corps and winner of the Bronze Star in Vietnam, as being somewhat less than a hero for his stance suggesting a redeployment of US troops out of Iraq. Schmidthead failed to take note of the House Rule that forbids one member from publically castigating another on the House floor. Schmidthead failed to identify that she is neither a veteran of the US military, nor has she ever been decorated for her courage on the battlefield.

Frodo notes that Schmidthead defeated a young man named Hackett, who is a veteran of the Iraq Preemptive Strike, and that she must therefore feel qualified to comment on military policy.

Representative Murtha who, before the current pronouncement, never did much to excite patriotic fervor in Frodo, has reacted with a bit of class. Frodo therefore suggests that perhaps his Congressional Representative should forego his personal $3100 pay raise, and offer it to Representative Murtha. Frodo votes "Aye." "Opposed?"

Representative Schmidthead is another case in point. For her violation of House Rules Frodo suggests that she be fined $3100, and that the non-deductible gift be submitted directly to the family of PFC Jesus Fonseca. None of his family members were doctors.

Frodo votes "Aye." "Opposed?"

See how easy good government actually is? Eliminating Schmidtheads isn't really that difficult.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:02 PM EST

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Friday, November 18, 2005

You're in The Arms of The Angels, May You Find Some Comfort There
Mood:

special
Topic: "Frodo and Jesus"
Frodo remembers a day last year this time when he went to the funeral of a young man he never knew. Frodo had seen the obituary in the newspaper and noted that the public was invited. The church was very near the Shire.

PFC Jesus Fonseca, age 19, had been felled by a sniper. His body was being escorted from Iraq to the Shire, and then on to his familial home in Mexico. There were a lot of non-Hispanic citizens of Middle Earth in the church. Frodo wondered if it was important to any that some of their fellow mourners might have entered the Shire illegally?

He was just a baby. The waxen appearance of such a small body was almost too much for Frodo to bear. From the bier Frodo turned to the family and touched his heart and his lips as he had seen Sammy Sosa do so many times. It was the only thing he could think to do or to say.

Frodo has not forgotten the sacrifice of that young life, and today he thought once more about what meaning to ascribe to Jesus. Perhaps the most important aspect is that Frodo hasn't forgotten that he has attended one more funeral of an American serviceman than has George W. Bush.

Dear reader, take a moment and pause with Frodo to remember a baby named Jesus Fonseca. Let us all share in the hope that the killing will end before we stand in silence, again, next year.

Gracias.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:08 PM EST

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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Down By De Seashore, Siftin' Sand
Mood:

party time!
Topic: "Frodo's Foreign Policy"
Frodo is pleased to report that he has undone the months of neglect and mismanagement by the Bush Administration relative to relationships with our Caribbean neighbors. Frodo devoted his personal time and resources to the renewal of his friendship with people who are as diverse as they are full of life. Frodo now speak like da Creole man on Dominica (pron. Dom-uh-neeek-a), or mebbe like da man on French side St. Maarten who sometime lay on da sand wid no close on. Frodo swim wid de green sea turtles on Barbados, and every where he drinka da rum punch.

Frodo learned a lot from those who traveled with him, and he will have much to offer from those perspectives in nights to come, dear reader. Frodo say "Thank you Mon, for checkin' on me, but da rum punch helped me tally me banana. Day Oh, Day Oh, come de light and me need go bed."

Frodo learned that he is now the titular head of all those who truly believe in the Gospel of Louis Armstrong. "I see skies of blue. . .and I say to myself, What a Wonderful World. Oh yeah!"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:11 PM EST

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Friday, November 4, 2005

Aye Calypso a Story toTell
Mood:

happy
Topic: "Pirate Booty"
Mick the Wonder Dog, Fiona, and Georgia are safely ensconced at Camp Kennel. Rocky, Beau Neau, and Sydney will be visited daily by Miss Ellyn until Frodo and Sam return to the Shire on November 15th.

The Spanish Main, the Dutch East Indies, the Sandwich Islands, around the Horn, "Captain Blood," Long John Silver and young Jim 'awkins, pieces of eight, walk the plank, the Jolly Roger, and "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir."

Aye Matey, picture Frodo with a peacock plume atop his cap and a silk shirt open to the navel, with a scarlet sash about his waist. That is, at least until the late seating for dinner is called.

"Ya got any rum to go with that chateaubriand, ya swab?"

Fair sailing until Frodo returns.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:48 PM EST

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Thursday, November 3, 2005

"Git Along Little Dogie"
Mood:

surprised
Topic: "Bovine Stem Cells?"
THE WASHINGTON POST today reported the details of a major felony in the farmlands surrounding our Nation's Capital. It seems that someone purloined a huge number of "straws" containing bull semen.

In a setting reminiscent of the genetic laboratories exhibited in the movie "Jurassic Park," the seminal fluid of shorthorn bulls is maintained for the appropriate act of artificial insemination. The magic elixir is packed in tubes (known as "straws") and contained within nitrogen-heavy solutions with temperature levels cold enough to keep the contents fresh. The straws are drawn when needed and the contents injected into the appropriate orifice, and in approximately the same gestation period as a human being a new shorthorn comes into being. The benefit of this to the "farmer" is that no bulls are actually required to live on the farm.

Frodo supposes that the value of the bull semen is dependent on a number of factors. It would seem logical that if the semen came from a very highly-regarded bull it may carry more value than if it came from a rather ordinary bull, say a bull named "W" for example. Another consideration of the value is certainly the alternative cost of maintaining a bull on the farm. Frodo is afraid that this speaks to the motive of the thieves in the subject crime.

Keeping "W" (as an example) available could prove to be a real budget-buster. Huge deficits would be created. Security would have to be strengthened. Coalitions with neighboring farms would have to be established for mutual protection. Disaster plans would be put into preparation. All in the effort to protect the business.

"Yeah," says Frodo, "that 'W' is a whole lot of bull."

If a ransom note comes from the semen thieves, Frodo suggests that the farmer pay it. The alternative might be three more years of bull.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:40 PM EST

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Wednesday, November 2, 2005

I Never Knew Just What It Was And I Guess I Never Will
Mood:

quizzical
Topic: "Brownie Hawkeye"
Frodo remembers the box-like appearance, and the curving plastic strap extending front to back on the top of his first camera. It was at that moment that Frodo decided to become a professional photographer. This decision was soon superceded by professional baseball, the United States Senate, medicine, guitar, soul music, journalism, teaching, space exploration, fishing, method acting, and poetry. The "Brownie Hawkeye" however remains as the single physical memento of these daydreams of yesteryear.

Frodo attempts to stay one step behind technology. After everyone else has commenced the second phase of a consumer technological innovation, Frodo acquires his first. The digital camera is the latest addition to the playroom of the Hobbit.

Armed with the July, 2005, edition of "Consumer Reports," Frodo entered "Best Buy" with the swagger of one who knew what he wanted, and who required no assistance whatsoever from a lowly salesperson. The all-knowing attendant took note of Frodo's confident demeanor and contained his sly grin at the far end of the counter. Frodo searched for the four highest ranked recommendations in his price range.

It was quickly apparent that Frodo was more than one step behind technology. Each of the recommended "best buys" from July were now out of production and surpassed by new models in this the month of November.

The salesperson swooped, and Frodo was in his talons.

Frodo knows that he should read each and every page of the instruction books, even those in Spanish, but he is unable to break from his time-honored tradition of breaking open the package and immediately beginning to play. It was what he did with the "Brownie Hawkeye," and if it was good enough for Eastman Kodak, then it ought be handled in exactly the same manner today. Frodo knows what the result will be however, and he is already steeling himself for the inevitable "crash" when nothing seems to work as it is supposed.

Frodo also hesitates to ask directions when driving the motorcar. It must be associated with the presence of a penis.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:58 PM EST

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Tuesday, November 1, 2005

One, Two, Three, Four, What're We Fighting For
Mood:

lazy
Topic: "Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
Frodo, with the cooperation of Mother Nature, and Sam are planning to depart the Shire for a vacation in a few days. Unlike Patrick Fitzgerald, Frodo does best when he kicks back and takes a long look at the world around him. The people do not have to be Democrats or Republicans, male or female, white or black, earthling or alien; the places in which they live will be the frames for mental pictures.

On one such vacation Frodo spent a few moments with a gentleman while waiting outside the ladies room in a gift shop on Oahu. The gentleman said to Frodo that things had certainly changed since last he had visited this island. Frodo asked when he had last visited? "1942," was the response, "and I was on a minesweeper headed out into the Pacific." Certainly, things had changed, and the frame about this picture along with it.

Another time Frodo conversed with a lady from Panama who was certainly a "grande dame" of a large and wealthy family. As the ship pulled into the Port of Orleans we discussed the fact that Frodo had once called this city home. Frodo recommended to her that a cup of "cafe au lait" and an order of "beignets" at the "Cafe du Monde" was a "platonic dish." Frodo and Sam happened upon her and her brood later that afternoon, sated, and grateful to their "NorteAmericano" friends who had introduced them to one of "God's gifts." Frodo wonders if she cried with him when Katrina ravaged?

On the South Rim of the Grand Canyon Frodo was amused by the lady who walked through the parking lot looking for license plates from her home state.
He was thankful that she was not from Texas (Republic of Mexico).

In Luxembourg, after an all-night flight, Frodo emerged from his hotel, walked into the street and said "Hello" to a guy who lived just down the street from him in the Shire.

While basking under the Matterhorn Frodo was suddenly encircled by a traveling group of Buddhist Monks, clad in the traditional orange, and wearing sandals. Unable to overcome the language barrier Frodo was left to surmise that they were merely comparing the Alps to the Himalayas. Frodo believes they dress similarly to those who wear kilts in Scotland

Frodo and Sam swam through the Blue Lagoon near Rejkyavik with the temperature near zero (Fahrenheit) and the Northern Lights visible in the night sky. The next day they walked through the rift that separated the tectonic plates on which Europe and America separately rest. No greater proof of the confluence of "intelligent design" and "evolution" need be addressed.

One day, 500 miles from land, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Frodo stood near the bow of the great ship, and he counted 10 rainbows and 5 thunderstorms, all at the same moment. He would have shared the moment in silent awe with George W. Bush.

Then he'd have thrown the jerk overboard.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:53 PM EST

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Monday, October 31, 2005

I Don't Like It But I Guess Things Happen That Way
Mood:

sad
Topic: "Sorcerer's Apprentice"
Frodo associates great memories with Halloween. Walt Disney's animated film, starring Mickey Mouse, "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" is one such memory. Dressing Lovey, the phenomenally patient border collie, in all manner of costumes for all the children in the Shire is particularly precious. However, the arrival of the appropriately named Punkin' on Halloween Eve is probably that which means the most to Sam, and thus to Frodo.

The telephone rang for Sam. It was the neighbor seeking Sam's assistance with a kitten that was at her back door, crying, lost and alone in the dark. The neighbor explained to Sam that she was allergic to feline fur, but it was so pitiful, and she was worried that it might come to harm amidst the goblins and ghouls who prowl the Shire on All Hallow's Eve. Sam is ever ready for just such an emergency.

It was the smallest cat, not just because it was a kitten, it was small in structure. She had a collar about her neck, and a tag with a number. The reverse of the tag identified the local humane society. Sam called the humane society, and was told that a kitten so numbered had been adopted less than 48 hours ago by the residents who lived across the street. Sam called the number given by the humane society and came into contact with the owner, who informed Sam that he had left the house and did not care what happened to the rest of the residents, much less the cat.

Given that it was Halloween, Frodo thought that Punkin' would be an adequate moniker for the newest resident of the Shire.

Punkin' never went outside again. There is a bond in femininity which links that which appears to be a bit smaller, and silkier, and somehow above all that goes on about. Sam and Punkin' would nap together, or discuss the daily bargain on the Home Shopping Network, or watch the rain while the stereo played softly in the background. Things that girls do, while they drink hot tea, supposes Frodo. Sam would always belong to Punkin', and all the rest of us were merely pieces of furniture.

Kidneys are not strong in small cats, and Punkin's gave out after just about a decade and a half. She lays with all the subjects who preceeded her into the hallowed ground of the garden. Frodo thinks of Punkin' on this the anniversary of her first visit to the Shire, and there is a shadow by the front window. Two small ears stand erect, and a tail swishes back and forth in time with the music. Classical music it is.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:56 PM EST

Updated: Wednesday, November 2, 2005 9:00 PM EST

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Friday, October 28, 2005

Bells Will Ring, The Sun Will Shine
Mood:

happy
Topic: "One Down, More Comin'"
When Robert Novak reported the name of an individual whom the CIA considered to be a covert employee, and whom he identified as an employee of the CIA, a technical violation of law took place. The CIA identified the problem to the Department of Justice, and requested that they investigate.

The law itself specifies that the disclosure must have occurred within 5 years of overseas service by the covert employee.

Valerie Plame, in 1998, was working in a clandestine setting as an agent of the CIA in Boston, Massachusetts. The disclosure of her identity took place in 2003. Falling within the time-frame specified by law, although not stationed overseas, Ms. Plame was still considered by the CIA to be a covert employee.

Assume, dear reader, for a moment that a covert employee has been overseas for a decade, and has finally come home. For however long might be necessary that employee will be de-briefed relative to information collected. At the same time, the contacts developed by this hypothetical will remain where they are, as confidential sources in a foreign land. Should Robert Novak, in the first week the employee is being de-briefed, for whatever reason, identify the employee, would he not be guilty of disclosure? Would not the safety of the foreign confidential sources be placed in jeopardy? Would not the utility of the covert employee forever be destroyed?

It costs lots of money to train a covert employee. It takes a long time to establish a covert employee. It takes the cooperation of lots of people to make a covert employee effective. All of this is done because it is important and it is necessary.

Frodo has a point to what has been written herein. In most of the world, and for the most of times, Robert Novak would have been placed against a wall and shot. "Scooter" Libby would, as one of the sources of information to Novak, stand against the same wall and suffer the same fate. Novak told the Special Prosecutor that he had more than one source.

Frodo almost gagged when he heard Sauron praise the efforts of "Scooter" Libby during "challenging times." Perhaps he would be well-advised to first ask "Scooter" to write the Citizens of Middle Earth a check for the fiscal cost. Then again, "well-advised" seems to be the whole problem, doesn't it? We all should first be grateful that, to the best of our knowledge, no innocent people died because they helped our country.

It is a bright and sunny day when a man leaves office who has brought dishonor to our flag, our Constitution, and to the men and women who serve us, in whatever capacity. Let us hope that Sauron doesn't want to give him a Medal, too.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:15 PM EDT

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Thursday, October 27, 2005

I Don't Want to Work, I Want to Bang on The Drum All Day
Mood:

rushed
Topic: "Give Us Your Tired. . ."
When Frodo was very small he first heard the term "migrant worker." Over time he learned that people from foreign lands came to the Shire to pick apples. That was just after they picked lettuce to the south, and before they picked cranberries to the north. Through the window from his seat in the rear of the motorcar piloted by his father Frodo saw the buildings, most often empty, where the "migrant worker" lived while they picked apples in the Shire. Frodo never remembers making any contact with them, so Frodo never knew whether they were happy, or sad, or if they even liked apples.

One evening while television was still new, and a projection in various shades of gray, Frodo saw a special report on the "migrant worker," and if memory serves him correctly it was called "Harvest of Shame." Frodo didn't have anything to be ashamed of, but he did recognize that some of the people in the report were from the same strange-sounding places as the people he had seen through the window from the back seat of his father's motorcar.

Now, many years later, Frodo hears different words applied to people from strange-sounding places who seemingly arrive as if by magic in lots of communities to do all kinds of work. These people are pulling the feathers off of chickens, and they are pounding nails into the roofs of homes under construction. These people are cleaning bathrooms in motels, and they are working in furniture factories. Some of them are also picking apples, grapes, oranges, tomatoes, and some of them do something different every day.

Frodo has often wondered if those people he saw through the window from the back seat of his father's motorcar were "illegal aliens?" Frodo always believed that his father would never tolerate anything illegal, so he has always been sure that "illegal aliens" is a relatively recent invention. "Probably," he thought, "the illegal aliens saw the 'migrant worker' come back to their homes in those strange-sounding places with lots of money and wonderful stories of how nice people were in the Shire."

Frodo's friend Boromir is very talented in ways that Frodo cannot imagine. When Boromir finished his work at Mount Doom, he decided to apply those talents to a new living. For a while Boromir would buy old houses, fix them up, and sell them. He could do all of the work involved, but all alone it took him a long time. Frodo is unable to this day to convince a nail to enter into the wood on a straight plane, so he was not of assistance to his friend. Boromir placed ads in newspapers for helpers, but no one applied. Finally, he noticed the "day laborers" who gathered in the city square each day. In desperation he asked if any of them wanted to work with him. No one spoke English. In a mixture of sign language and shouting Boromir was able to strike a deal with one of the "day laborers," to be paid by the hour in cash. That meant that the "day laborers" would not have to account to any government to be taxed on what he earned while working for Boromir.

Boromir had no choice. He needed the help, and he had no one else willing to assist him. Each day, the routine was the same and the "day laborers," generally a different guy each day, would work hard all day, do a good job, and then go his own way.

Boromir sought out his friend Frodo, because he knew that the rules were being broken. He asked Frodo if what he was doing was truly wrong. Frodo knew that the "day laborers" were probably the "illegal immigrants" of which he had heard. He knew now that individually they were the "migrant worker" he had seen out of the window from the back seat of his father's motorcar. Frodo knew that Boromir was torn by virtue and by necessity.

Many believe that Boromir is the problem, and that he should not engage "illegal immigrants" at any juncture. Frodo believes that people who think that way do not have any apples to be picked.

Many believe that Boromir should pay higher wages and thereby more easily find legal workers. Frodo believes that people who think that way do not worry about having enough money to pay what was promised.

Boromir eventually gave up his enterprise. The "day laborers" still gather in the city square, and apples hang from the trees in the Shire. In a strange-sounding place a newborn enters the world, and someone who looks a lot like Frodo peers out of the window from the back seat of his father's motorcar.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:00 PM EDT

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