Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Please, Please Baby, I Just Wanna Change My Mind. I Would Like to Start All Over Again
Mood:

sad
Topic: "Giving Way to Anger" (2)
6 out of 1,000 Americans presently stationed at the US Embassy in Baghdad speak Arabic with fluency. You read that correctly, six. Does Frodo have to dwell on the symbolism this single digit represents? The most powerful nation on the small blue planet has sent 1,000 people to its' far side to assist in the attainment of some objectives which virtually none of them can communicate to the people they are assigned to assist. Today, 10 Americans reported to the President that the effort is not successful. Concomitantly, 10 American servicemen also died on this day in Iraq.

This evening, Frodo is very sad. Tomorrow he will be angry, but tonight Frodo is sad. Sad that 25,000 of his fellow Citizens of Middle Earth are identified as casualties more than 1300 days after the effort was identified as "Mission Accomplished." Sad that the hopes and dreams of a better life for people who suffered under tyranny are dashed by anarchy. Sad that resources so important to the health and prosperity of the entire world have been lost, forever.

Frodo cannot help but wonder if George W. Bush realizes that these 79 recommendations are nothing more than a collective "trip to the woodshed" by people with the best of intentions and highest respect for the office of the Leader of the Free World? Sad is Frodo because he knows the answer to his own question.

Tomorrow, Frodo will be angry because six staffmembers of the American Embassy in Baghdad will be very busy communicating the recommendations of ten Americans. Tonight, Frodo is sad because ten more angels are on their way home.

The upshot is, that as Frodo agonizes, George W. Bush has already gone to bed. Sadness will, indeed, give way to anger.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:30 PM EST

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Monday, December 4, 2006

That's Why I'm Easy, I'm Easy Like a Sunday Mornin'
Mood:

chillin'
Topic: "Recycled Air (Gasp)" (2)

Delta Airlines is in the midst of a fight against a hostile takeover. Hoping to emerge from Chapter XI Bankruptcy stronger and better able to confront the challenges of competition, the company has recently initiated several new direct flights to overseas locations. Frodo and Sam, upon the conclusion of their recent travel soiree', had the occasion to travel aboard one of these ballyhooed innovations.

It is true that, inexplicably, Frodo and Sam were each served a complimentary miniature bottle of wine, and that it it was, indeed, a pleasant addition to the experience. Ten hours passes so much quicker when the senses are numbed.

It is also true that a complimentary headset allowed Frodo to "surf" the pre-packaged music provided by the "good skies" guys. It was also not too big a turn-off that much of the music had been imported from the Otis Elevator Company. Ten hours also passes quickly while day-dreaming about replacing Emmitt Smith on "Dancing With the Stars."

However, Frodo needs to note that it seems as if the seats are allowed to retract even further than in earlier days. The uncouth Neanderthal in front of Frodo kept her dead butt resting on Frodo's knees for the entire flight. Remember, dear reader, Frodo is a Hobbit, and the extent of his legs is not extraordinary.

The worst part, without a doubt, is the continual re-cycling of air throughout the passenger sections of the plane. Frodo now understands that the relative humidity in these cabins approximates that of the desert Southwest, and that more than 25% of all passengers on extended flights report sinus and bronchial discomfort within 48 hours. It also did not help Frodo that the passenger sharing the three-across seats with Frodo and Sam coughed and hacked his way across the entire Atlantic Ocean. It should be noted by the TSA that this individual appeared to be Arabic.

Frodo is very concerned about safety in the air. Given his recent experience, and the subsequent cold and sinus infections which struck both of the tandem Hobbits, Frodo is proposing that the Department of Homeland Security should screen pre-boarding passengers to identify infectious subjects. Who is to deny the possibility that a terrorist might intentionally infect himself/herself with something communicable? The nomenclature might be for a "Suicide Sneezer," if you will.

If all goes well, they might also consider screening out anyone planning to retract their seat from an upright position.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:51 PM EST

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Sunday, December 3, 2006

There's a Killer On The Road
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Kodak Moment" (2)

Jim Webb probably has as much interest in having his picture taken with George W. Bush as Frodo has in having a photograph taken with Smeagol. The Senator-Elect from the State of Virginia was roundly assaulted by Columnist George Will for his apparent snub of the congeniality initiated by Sauron. Webb, claims Will, responded to the Presidential inquiry of "How's your boy?," with a shortarm reference to the need to get all of the troops home from Iraq. Sauron, with his nose now bent out of joint, followed up the retort with something to the effect that that was not his question, he wanted an answer to "How's your boy?" At that point Webb evidently told him that it was none of his business, or something along that line.

Frodo has long-believed that George Will pays deference to George W. Bush because Bush traded Sammy Sosa to the hapless Chicago Cubs. Will thinks he owes Bush.

For one, Frodo was quite proud of the soon-to-be Senator. Without a single obscenity, Webb let the President know that his attempt at personal interest in relation to one of the very few offspring of any political personage involved in the pre-emptive war was not a welcome area of discussion. Frodo has been trying to think how he might have responded had the Incomparable Moron asked him a similar question, in order to not have offended Mr. George Will.

"How's your boy?"

"Thank you for asking Sir. He's actually doing quite well as I understand. He has been on R & R in Argentina. Evidently, Argentina is a good place for a single young guy to go sow 'a few wild oats,' if you know what I mean."

"Argentina, you say?"

"Yessir, evidently he had quite a time with a couple of chickies from back in Texas somewhere, and they just about wore him out."

"Is that Senator-to-be Corker I see over there?"

"Listen George, from what I hear those two girls picked up a lot from their old man, wink wink!"

"Well, I certainly hope that your boy gets home safe and sound."

"Oh I know you do. You see Commander-in-Chief, little Jenna left her purse under the bed, and my son sent it to me. Those girls must have told you that they had some interesting items in that purse. I understand they reported it stolen."

"I beg your pardon? What are you talking about?"

"Do you want to tell the American people about the surgical procedure little Jenna went through in Buenos Aires, or do you want me to release it directly to The Washington Post?"

"Uh, I'll tell you Mr. Frodo, why don't you and the Mrs. join Laura and me out at the ranch in Crawford this weekend?"

"Mr. President, I am just so pleased and proud that you are so sincere about working with the incoming Congress in an impartial, nonpartisan effort to get things accomplished."

"You'll come then?"

"Not on your life you hairless lizard. Now get this, you will accept the Baker Commission Report as submitted, and will proceed with the complete adoption of their recommendations on Iraq immediately."

"But. . ."

"Butt this, you will reverse your position on government funding for Stem-Cell Research tomorrow, and then you will announce that the government will no longer seek to eliminate the Estate Tax."

"You can't do things like that to the President. . ."

No, maybe Frodo couldn't, but if it meant saving the life of somebody's son from this stupid, nonsensical, useless War, then what Frodo might actually do would truly surprise George Will, that is, if he has a conscience.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:33 PM EST

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Saturday, December 2, 2006

You're The Warmest Thing I've Ever Found
Mood:

hug me
Topic: "Puppy Angel" (2)
Fiona Richie is the host of a show on National Public Radio called "Thistle & Shamrock." As Frodo jests, the show does not trace the history of rock music and its' impact on 21st Century American culture. In fact, the show does feature the Celtic roots of music familiar to most Americans. Sam is a devotee of the show, and Frodo feigns attentiveness whenever they are jointly trapped in the motorcar and Sam commands the radio. The show, seemingly, has been on since the demise of the last Ice Age.

Some years ago, Frodo and Sam visited the local PetSmart on "Adoption Day," sponsored by the Paulding County Humane Society. Lovey, the noble Border Collie, was aging, and both Frodo and Sam were thinking about a "trainee" for the noble Lovey. Frodo took note of a small brown puppy with blue eyes, being held over the shoulder of an adoption volunteer, and he pointed it out to Sam. The contact was immediate, and very moving. When Frodo agreed that this could be an addition to the travelers of the Shire, Sam began to cry and to mouth the words "Thank You" to Frodo. It was a look that Frodo immediately burnt onto the DVD of his memory machine.

The blue eyes did not remain, replaced by a more descriptive devilish tint on the chocolate-colored miniature mix. Over the years the puppy grew to the 20-pound category and was forever classified as a "miniature chocolate lab" whenever queries as to the "type" were received.

Frodo prides himself in the cognomen creations applied to Shire additions. "Fiona" won quick acceptance from Sam, since it was clear that the two of them would spend many hours together listening to the pipers and purveyors of Robbie Burns.

Fiona, as noted previously, was a bit too much to handle for the noble Lovey, so she was soon followed by Fiona's permanent playmate Mick, the Wonder Dog. Fiona however, was always viewed as Sam's dog.

In recent times some things have changed. Fiona is less willing to travel with Sam on adventures in the motorcar when Frodo remains at home in the Shire. In fact, whenever Frodo curls up on a toadstool in order to watch his favorite teams get shellacked by ignorant vandals from Texas or some other brink of civilized society, Fiona is afoot, snoozing until Frodo screams an epithet at some injustice on the television screen.

At night, Fiona sleeps in her own bed, but finds a way to slip up next to Frodo somewhere around the dawn. Invariably she throws her rounded hind end up next to Frodo, with the result being a 50 degree increase in Frodo's body temperature. This, according to Frodo, is the animal with the highest degree of body heat known to science. Frodo, who sleeps with as little protection as possible, is continuously disturbed by the super-heated presence behind his knees.

Frodo has discussed this problem with Sam on numerous occasions. Frodo's references to "your" dog are not well-received given the recent tenor of Fiona's loyalties. Frodo is convinced that it is part of a vast canine conspiracy, in which Sam is merely a willing pawn. Mick, the Wonder Dog, imitates "de Tar Baby," and enjoys his uninterrupted head-out-of-the-window sojourns with Sam in the motorcar. Sam does not have to listen to competitive barking, and Fiona, well Fiona never misses a little extra support for her hips.

With the advent of Winter, the problem will not be without some benefit to Frodo. At the very least he has the time to think of a solution before Springtime comes again.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 5:52 PM EST

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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Lift is Up Where We Belong, Where The Eagles Cry On a Mountain High
Mood:

cool
Topic: "Aegean Adventure" (2)

When the wind blows around a volcanic outcropping, it is as if sails blossom in the mind. Mythology must have been born in moments such as those. Dreaming of far-off lands and great adventure happens today as it did for Homer and for Ovid. The Islands of Greece were to Frodo as Plymouth Rock must have been for Pilgrims, a place to experience with all of the senses.

Katokolon was once a simple village for fishermen. Today, as witness to thousands of visitors bent for the ruins of Olympia, Katokolon is predominantly a collection of shops gathering tourist coinage. Frodo was on a mission of great importance however, for the day preceded by one the anniversary of Sam's birth. Frodo desired a card, in Greek, spelling out the grand holiday as a special souvenir for his traveling companion and comrade-in-arms. Alas, the cards to be found were all of the postal type, and Frodo was distraught. A shopkeeper noted his distress, and although she spoke no English, and Frodo speaks no Greek, she did her best to assist him. Finally, she identified exactly what it was that was the object of Frodo's shopping. Although she did not have birthday cards in her inventory, she supposed that there may be some at a rival shop around the corner. After pointing Frodo in the proper direction, she stopped him and slowly enunciated two words in Greek to Frodo. She repeated them several times and Frodo finally understood that she was trying to teach him to say the two words. She taught Frodo to say "birthday card," in Greek.

A bit later Sam entered upon Frodo as he spoke the words to the shopkeeper around the corner. Sam sensed Frodo's disappointment at his lack of success, and encouraged him to sit at a table outside a bar and observe the setting sun on the small harbor. There was but a single fisherman, and he was slowly decapitating creatures in a plastic bucket at his feet. Frodo ordered an Ouzo, and was charmed by the licorice taste in a liquid turned milky by the presence of ice. The fisherman saw Frodo aim his camera, and he smiled. It is a grand picture.

Even in the midst of failure, Frodo found beauty, great taste, and humanity. Yasou.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:27 PM EST

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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Heaven Knows It Wasn't You Who Set Me Free
Mood:

caffeinated
Topic: "Hang 'em High" (2)

One of Frodo's earliest playmates' father seemingly enjoyed catching young Frodo in the logical conundrum. Time and again, over the years, he would ask Frodo a topical question, then retreat into silence while the ubiquitous Frodo dug himself a hole from which he would be unable to escape. He would then turn the issue around, and dissect Frodo's opinion into bread crumbs. For many years Frodo thought his friends' father to be a wicked man who took his frustrations out on innocent Halflings. It was only recently that Frodo came to realize that he was being intellectually challenged by one who respected the forthrightness of the young Frodo. Too soon it seems, we become too old to address things which confront us when we are too young to comprehend.

Adolf Eichmann was one of the worst human beings who ever trod the small blue planet. The young Frodo was fascinated by his capture in South America, and watched intently on his black-and-white to see the evil one squirm before an Israeli system of justice. Frodo, unquestioningly, felt that Eichmann should be subject to hideous treatment as some matter of recompense for the horrors inflicted on innocent people.

Frodo's friends' father one day asked Frodo his opinion of the trial, and what should happen to the evil Eichmann. Frodo spoke authoritatively of the crimes committed, and suggested penalties consistent with the principles of justice, as he understood them at the time. Frodo was surprised when the responding question was, "Well, how would that be legal?"

"Sir, what could you mean? Eichmann is being tried before a jury. . ."

"Of his peers?"

"Well, no, but by citizens of the country. . ."

"Frodo, that country did not exist when the alleged crimes were committed."

"Well, that's true, but. . ."

"Frodo, listen to yourself, you are trying to justify a process and a punishment based on emotion, not on law. You are going along with the mob who want revenge, not legal punishment. Israel has no right to try and punish Adolf Eichmann, because Israel did not come into existence until the atrocities had been committed."

The conversation of so many years ago came back to Frodo again this evening when he considered the pending dissolution of the electoral product of the semi-State now known as Iraq. The deposed tyrant, Saddam Hussein, has been tried, and convicted, and sentenced to death, by a government that may not exist at any point within the next several hours or days. The question then becomes, what is the legal status of Saddam Hussein? Can he be held to account if the government which tried him no longer exists? Can he be punished by an entity entirely different from that which adjudged him? Does the process have to be repeated, but under an entirely different set of rules and aggrieved parties?

Frodo thinks his old antagonist would quickly recognize that if the Iraqi government intends to take any truly "legal" action, then they better act quick. If they tarry too long, George W. Bush may not get his revenge.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:34 PM EST

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Monday, November 27, 2006

I Never Will Forget The Way You Look Tonight
Mood:

crushed out
Topic: "Emperor's Clothes" (2)
Frodo enjoys making fun of people who deserve it. The Atlanta Falcons stink, as a football team, and every player they have is paid, at a minimum, hundreds of thousands of dollars. Most of the players receive tens of millions of dollars, and they never have to use their brains at all. The people who provide the monies for their salaries nearly all make considerably less than the miniumum guaranteed to every player, and now, those people are pretty angry. So what happens, the biggest "star" on the team shoots them "the bird," twice. This "athleticism" merits mockery and derision, but the Falcons are not the target of Frodo's wrath tonight. Frodo has absolutely had it with Laura Bush and her stupid pants.

Is it because Laura is the only person in the Bush family who actually wears pants? Is it because she has varicose veins and she is hiding the discolored little zig-zags on her limbs? Is it because she has a special deal with some foreign textile manufacturer? Is it because she's dropped a few pounds and she thinks she appears more shapely when climbing the ladder up into Air Force One? Is it because her daughters have donated all of her dresses to Goodwill?
Frodo, and other inquiring minds, want to know; why all the pantsuits?

Frodo traces all of this back to George's decision to take off his jacket, to appear before staged groups of zealots in his shirtsleeves in order to appear more like a "regular guy." You know, like a guy with whom you'd go out and "have a beer." Laura obviously felt the need to also come across as just "one of the guys." Frodo, for one, does not go and have a beer with anybody who wears anything that says "Armani" on it. Frodo is also somewhat reluctant to depend on a designated driver who has taken the pledge. The Bush attempt to apparently appear more like Wally and Beaver's Mom & Dad (remember Ward?) is actually, well, sort of "Bush League."

So to George and Laura, devotees of style and fashion, Frodo stands, cups his mouth, and goes "BOOOOOO."

This leaves Frodo, of course, as a target for the "flying fickle finger of fate." So be it, somebody has to tell those two they look like marionettes. What does one expect of people who never have to use their brains?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:24 PM EST

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Saturday, November 25, 2006

When I Think About All The Crap I Learned in High School
Mood:

bright

Frodo was convinced almost immediately that he would never experience any practical application of either Algebra or the diagramming of a sentence. To this day, he has no idea as to either the value of "x" or whether a preposition modifies an adjective. It has been a constant factor in his life, that some knowledge is simply not worth sharing.

George W. Bush was probably exposed to courses in both Political Science and World History. It is disturbing to Frodo that the future President of the United States may have made a similar determination about the utility of knowledge when it came to these subjects. It is certainly clear that he failed to absorb adequate cautionary data based in human experience. All of the academic discussions about "power vacuum" and "institutional value" in society were ignored. Replaced, as we all now know, by a seemingly messianic belief in the "freedom" of popular elections and majority-rule.

Much hope now seems to rest in the attractiveness of "consumerism" among young people, all around the world. In Iran, the ruling Mullahs are in apparent direct conflict with the youthful desire to dress, dance, and behave like their counterparts in more "Westernized" societies. In China, the communist system is challenged in the accumulation of wealth by individuals, and the desire for more and better property items by the agrarian segments of the general population. In America itself, young people have interest only in the cost and the availability of apparel, not in the manufacturing locale. What American teenager has lately expressed concern about his or her jeans being made in Sri Lanka? The world now changes because of the demand, and the availability of the resources that drive the demand.

It is a shame that George W. Bush has never seemingly comprehended that the factors for change at this point have very limited dependence on the traditional "freedoms" of political choice. Had he recognized the folly of the theory presented to him by political advisers and theistic soothsayers, he may well have changed the world with a song and a few bars of chocolate. Instead, he chose to ignore knowledge, and accept ignorance.

Bush and Frodo differ because Frodo learned the lessons, and has sought, albeit unsuccessfully, to apply them in a meaningful way. Bush dismissed the things with which he either disagreed or that disinterested him, and figured that his Daddy would be there to bail him out, if necessary. Too bad, thinks Frodo, that such a prominent character flaw was accepted by so many, and at such cost.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:13 AM EST

Updated: Saturday, November 25, 2006 11:18 AM EST

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Friday, November 24, 2006

Every One I Know, Every Where I Go, Runnin' on Empty
Mood:

rushed
Topic: "Black Friday" (2)

Today Frodo purchased a small refrigerator and two pairs of reading glasses, on sale. He purchased these necessities in mid-afternoon from one of America's most visited retail establishments, and he was in-and-out within fifteen minutes on what is advertised as the busiest shopping day of the year. As Frodo considered his commentary on what must be a disappointing scene, Sam advised him that this period is actually a traditionally good time to shop.

"The crowds have come and gone for the early-opening sale items," offered Sam, "and the increased staffing in the stores makes this lull almost heavenly for the accomplished shopper."

Frodo, as usual, was skeptical, and began to look for indicators that his long-predicted consumer spending collapse had actually begun. Frodo has long theorized that credit woes would eventually bring a halt to the purchasing power of the American Middle Class. Borrowing against home equity, reaching the credit limit on credit cards, and working multiple jobs would eventually, so thinks Frodo, catch up with a harried populace. Perhaps this "lull" was actually the beginning of what has seemed to be the logical conclusion to a mindless spurt of economic growth?

So Frodo tuned in the news. The lead story was the continuing, surging, insurgency in Iraq, and the cycle of violence that has brought civilization in that part of our small blue planet to a grinding halt. All as predicted by Frodo, sadly, before the first invading troop set foot on the soil of the former Iraqi totalitarian state. The next story was all about "Black Friday," (as it is known in commercial circles) signifying the importance of the beginning of the Holiday Shopping Season. The conclusion, on every channel Frodo could capture, was that the early indications reflected strong demand, fostered by reduced prices and increased availability. The third story was totally lost on Frodo.

Mount Doom was a lonely place as Frodo and Sam pulled into the parking lot, planning to take the mini-refrigerator into Frodo's office. All of the businesses, most of which are small, were closed as if "Black Friday" were a legitimate holiday, and that no one really needed to work, including Frodo. Even the housepainters, who maintain a covey of immigrants working seemingly without pause, were nowhere to be found.

Frodo noticed the message light on his telephone, and was smugly ready to predict a number of inquiries for potential business opportunities until he noted that there was but a single message on voicemail. It was a reminder for Frodo that he would be "ringing the bell" for The Salvation Army in two weeks, as he and his friend Abe had done last year. Last year the "take" was phenomenal, and Frodo noted that so much of that generosity was based on the tragedy of Hurrican Katrina. Perhaps Frodo will truly have something to offer about the actual state of the American Economy when he reports on the events of that day, December 9th?

Frodo will ring the bell loud and hard, and he will return the Holiday Greetings of all who smile and drop coins into the bucket. Here's to hope that both of the lead stories on that day will prove Frodo wrong. Hope, that is what these days are supposed to signify, aren't they?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:06 PM EST

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Thursday, November 23, 2006

Take Another Shot of Courage
Mood:

suave
Topic: "Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
In addition to natural wonders, Frodo has a number of establishments, shall we say, created by Man, which call him to enter and to explore. The prime example would be "Rick's American Bar" in Casablanca, where Frodo would be "shocked" by the gambling, and enthralled by the singing of "Le Marseille." In London, "221-B Baker Street" leads to the door where Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce imitate Holmes and Watson. Frodo has a case that would challenge even the Master of Deductive Reasoning. What Halfling would not want to enter the parlor at the "Mustang Ranch," and to consider all of the possibilities, whether or not Dolly Parton was involved?

"Harry's Bar," in Venice, was a new one for Frodo. Two charming ladies from Chicago first mentioned its' existence to Frodo when they introduced the term "Bellini" into his vocabulary. This particular cocktail, unique to Harry's, was the mixed drink to have in a land known for its' wines. Frodo inquired of his authentic Italian Tour Director, Enrico, about the location of said establishment. Asking a Neapolitan about anything on the East Coast of Italy is to invite a comparative discourse which wanders from the intent of the original query. Eventually Frodo and Sam were directed to the proper street, which was as precise a piece of information as they could expect to receive.

Harry's is not a big place, and there were lots of people milling about searching for an appropriate place to sit. Frodo found a large corner booth and pushed Sam to the far side. Eventually they were joined by two Americans, two retired school teachers from Rollins, Wyoming, who were traveling in the same tour as the Hobbits. All four were in search of the "Bellini" of fable and fame.

The waiters were all clad in white westcoats and the gentleman who approached Frodo knew what Frodo wanted before he was able to inquire. Bellinis, Frodo was told, were made from fresh white peach nectar and sparkling wine. The drink cost 14 Euros. Frodo quickly computed 14 times $1.30 and determined that this once-in-a-lifetime drink would set him back approximately $36.40, since he was also paying for Sam.

"What the heck," said Frodo, "it's only this play money, anyway."

The four travelers toasted each other when their very conservatively sized libations appeared. Each remarked, after the first sip, that the drink was tasty. Frodo thought to himself that it tasted a little bit like an ice cream soda, without ice cream. Sam told Frodo later on that evening that the contents could be duplicated back at the Shire. Frodo was skeptical, perhaps because he was already attempting to justify the capital expenditure which had just been entered into his ledger.

Tonight, for Thanksgiving, Frodo and Sam shared Sam's effort at duplication of the Bellini. Sam had found a bottle of "Aste Spumante" and "Kern's Peach Nectar" at the Grocery Store. They mixed magically and were at least the match of, if not better than, Harry's Bellini.

Frodo is now computing how much he saved. Perhaps he can deduct the opportunity costs from his income tax return next April?

Oh well, at least the Hobbits have seen the inner sanctum in Venice, and the next time he tells the story Frodo will enchance it to reflect the presence of a former KGB Agent whispering into the ear of a mysterious stranger, in the back, in the corner, in the dark, while drinking a Bellini.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 6:25 PM EST

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