Any Old Dance That You Want To Do, But Let's Dance
Topic: "Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
During a recent argument with Bilbo, Frodo offered the trusim that he had been raised to see the good side in others. Frodo said that he was grateful for such an orientation, and, although respectful, he felt that those who suspect everyone else of being some sort of criminal are very sad people. Frodo truly believes what he has said, however there are instances that give him pause.
At 11:30 PM one recent evening, a lady who jointly-owned a local bar was out for a jog not too far from the Shire. Alongside arrives a gentleman who just happened to be a frequent customer of the bar, and he offers the (for the purposes of orientation, let us refer to the individual as a "jugger") lady a ride in his motorcar. He even, reportedly, suggested that she get in the motorcar for the simple purpose of touching the "rich Corinthian leather." Once the jugger settled herself into the motorcar, the gratuitous patron of the bar subdued her and drove two-and-a-half hours to a rental chalet near the mountain resort of Dollywood.
The chalet property manager reported that the renter appeared perfectly normal, and gave him no reason to question the legitimacy of the transaction. According to the jugger, she was taken, by force, into the chalet, bound, gagged, and raped, twice, by her assailant. The encounter evidently fueled more than the lusty hunger of the rapist, because he then felt the need to order a pizza, which he did, by credit card, and he wanted it delivered.
When the pizza delivery guy arrived, within the 30-minute guarantee, he noticed the bound jugger trying to get his attention, while the assailant toyed with the credit card receipt. Eventually this mental giant must have figured that there might be something fishy about a woman bound-and-gagged as a large consumable pepperoni pizza was being placed before her. As he departed the scene, the pizza delivery guy stopped by the office of the chalet property manager, and voiced his concern.
Once the local gendarmerie arrived, their first query was to the gentleman calmly devouring the pizza while his house guest, the jugger, was placed inside the policeman's motorcar. The assailant explained that both he and the jugger were married to other people, and that they were together in a secret soiree. He explained the binding and the gag as part of the festivities, in fact, even suggested by the jugger.
The jugger had a very different explanation of the circumstances, so the assailant was informed of his rights, and was unceremoniously taken to the local pokey. The pizza delivery guy appears now as the latest hero of the blogosphere, and despite his apparent inability to comprehend the sign language of a bound-and-gagged customer, will probably be Conan O'Brien's first guest on the Tonight Show (starring Conan O'Brien).
Frodo smells a whole woodpile full of rat poop.
Frodo remembers being in a lot of bars around 11:30, PM, but he can't seem to recall a single instance when one of the saloon-keepers took off on a run around the block while customers had whistles that needed wetting. Also curious it is that a customer of the bar just happened to be driving by, and that he was able to convince the jugger to terminate her exercise regimen, and to examine the interior of his motorcar, certainly somewhat contrary to the teachings of the juggers's mother in earlier times. Strange also is the fact that the two travel two-and-a-half hours to a mountain chalet that just happened to have a vacancy, although Frodo does have to admit that he is not sure if a hot tub was available in the subject rental.
Finally, Frodo wonders why an assailant, unless he happened to be from Texas, which would therefore explain everything stupid, would use a credit card for both the chalet rental and the pepperoni pizza? Doesn't it seem likely that he would've seen at least one episode of "Law and Order: Criminal Intent," and by sheer osmosis have learned that cash and gloves are required tools for anyone conspiring to violate Section 911 of the Penal Code?
Ah, but Frodo always looks for the good in his fellow inhabitants of Middle Earth, doesn't he?
Ever wonder if Dick Cheney has a taste for pepperoni?
Posted by loveysdaddyga
at 10:21 PM EDT