Topic: "Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
The Havahart Company of Lititz, Pennsylvania, given its' location near the towns of Blue Ball, Intercourse, and Bird in Hand, is an Amish Company. The company manufactures live traps, and their primary distributor is Home Depot. Frodo learned all of this from his friend Pippin, who had amassed the grand sum of 38 trapped squirrels in his backyard in Northern Virginia. Pippin further instructed Frodo in the theory that trapped squirrels must be released at least three miles from the point of capture, or they will return.
One might reasonably assume that Frodo has, or has had, a continuing problem with the very cute, but very destructive extra-terrestrials. One would assume correctly. Given that fact, Frodo visited the Orange megalith and purchased a Havahart trap. Only after, however, his first effort, a slingshot, proved more destructive to the windows in the rear of Sam's house than to the derrieres of the tree rats.
The first night passed slowly for both Frodo and for Mick, the Wonder Dog. Mick, mostly Australian Shepherd, responds well to the things that excite his play buddy. Mick shot through the dog door that first morning to be first upon the scene where he was greeted by more teeth than he had ever seen in one location at one moment in his entire lifetime. Ophelia Opossum was thoroughly pissed. To this day, Mick will not go anywhwere near the trap, regardless of its contents.
Baiting the trap with peanut butter and a few sunflower seeds eventually draws in one of the intended targets. Frodo then has to place the trap in the trunk of his "motor car" and drive at least three miles to a suitable location to reposition his adversary. There are many options in the Shire. The local Catholic Church sits high on a wooded hill, and if it is an off-time for prayer, it is a suitable location to subtly deposit a new parishoner. A poorly located subdivision, where the residents tend to drive too fast, and whose children are particularly obnoxious is another favorite, particularly around the picnic area. Squirrels seem to like potato salad.
Ah, but the best is the local high school, directly under the bleachers of the football stadium. Frodo has provided the halftime entertainment for almost every game in the history of the school. The little buggers evidently get irritated at the bands marching around on their field, and try their best to drive the marchers into the sea. Perhaps you have seen our handiwork on Animal Channel?
There is a science to all of this, since the squirrels give birth in February in the Shire, and not until May or June do the little dumb ones become big enough to survive on their own. Dear reader, we are approaching prime time, and Frodo's bird feeders are overrun. This day we applied a little oil to the trap, baited it up, and set it conveniently close to the 546 nests located in Frodo's backyard. Let the games begin, and we who are about to be relocated salute you. Hail Frodo!