Topic: "Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
The Democratic Party in the United States of America is celebrating an early Christmas. Frodo, perhaps as a reward for having been good little boys and girls, has delivered ten "Ken" dolls to the office address of Mr. Howard Dean. These symbols of American hegemony characteristically have no voice; therefore, they don't say anything. These symbols of American intolerance characteristically have no movement; therefore, they don't do anything. These symbols of American hypocrisy characteristically have no human qualities; therefore, they don't represent anything. Frodo has loosened Gollum's grip on the Ring, and the end of Mordor is at hand.
The first "Ken" doll, named Huckleberry, has lost about 100 pounds, unfortunately, most of it was in brain cells. Mick, the Wonder Dog, has greater potential for the highest elective office in all of Middle Earth than does this walking advertisement for teeth brightener.
The second "Ken" doll, named Pall, is ineligible for the Presidential post because he is a Liberian. He was allowed to participate in the debate because he is from Texas, and he would have gone home crying if that mean, old John McCain had chased him all the way back from the "Gates of Hell."
Which brings us, via segue, to the third "Ken" doll, named McCan't, because he wanted to be in Jamestown greeting the Queen, again. In fact, he was there when the first Elizabeth was on the throne. He is the only candidate who was there when Ronald Reagan was born. In fact, he still refers to his Republican hero, Herbert Hoover, as "Junior."
The fourth "Ken" doll, named "Brokeback," protests very loudly against the "gay and lesbian lifestyle," and we all know about those who "doth protest too much," don't we?
The fifth "Ken" doll, named "Goosey-loosey," has organized all of the barnyard into a single location so that if the fox attacks again, then it won't be so difficult to tabulate all the damages. Both of his first two wives, and their offspring, have offered to hold him down while the farmer chops off his head.
The sixth "Ken" doll, named "Tubby" neglected to mention his participation in the "mismanaged" administration, and advocated a management policy which directly conflicted with the Bill of Rights (for which he apologized the next morning). He is the "Ken" doll who looks most like Jimmy Hoffa.
The seventh "Ken" doll, named "Tanqueray," is so dubbed mainly because one would have to be pretty liquored up to advocate anything this yahoo had to say. Following in the long-time success of the Berlin Wall, he wants to separate the US of A from all of the rest of the world by masonry, if not by lack of knowledge. Frodo assumes he believes that putting one's head in the sand is an appropriate course of action when confronted by questions to which his fifth-grade education provided no answers.
The eighth "Ken" doll, named "Gary," has the same name as the criminal executed in Utah some years ago ("The Executioner's Song" was the book title). He is DOA. He is supposedly qualified because he once cut taxes in Virginia, the State which contributed "macaca" to the English language a few months ago. He used his personal savings from the tax cut to buy an automatic weapon.
Again with a segue, the ninth "Ken" doll, named "Hummer," believes that anyone not holding a duly-authorized and issued identity card should be immediately executed, unless, of course, they were anti-abortion, then they should be elevated to consideration for the next vacancy on the Supreme Court. Even Arnold was gagging whenever this hodad opened his mouth.
This brings us to the tenth little "Ken" doll, named "Hominy," simply because he is a pure corn product. Had he been a contestant on one of those old TV game shows from the 1950's, the whole world would have immediately cried "Payola." The only thing that separates him from the public projection of Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) is that he wouldn't know a "Swift Boat" if it grounded itself in the "Big Dig."
So, boys and girls, that concludes Frodo's assessment of "The Gang That Cannot be Elected." Play with each of your dolls while you can. Frodo is looking forward to what follows. Want to bet that the next two we see will be the ultimate divider, and the acting District Attorney who can't seem to keep the help from one-season-to-the-next. Frodo wants "Arthur" back where he belongs.