Topic: "Watts da plan, Man?"(5)
Now that the last of the lists has been compiled, and Frodo no longer has to match wits with someone, anyone, who believes that one of anything, something, is more important than everything else that has taken place, it is time for the next step toward insanity. What are the great issues, in descending order, that now face the citizens of Middle Earth?
1. What to do when there is nothing on television?
The Internet used to be a hoot, but now it is work. Either it serves as a replacement for more traditional research and analysis, or it mandates a new set of priorities into every day of one's life. Even the casual blogger finds himself stressed by the fact that he hasn't "posted," and that his devoted readers may get bored and go away, then he'd have to start all over and what would happen if he wasn't funny/poignant/authoritative (pick one)? The difference between the offerings of television, and those of the Internet, are that Mary Tyler Moore and Andy Griffith are not replaced by firedoglake or the huffingtons.
2. What to do when you get voice mail?
Frodo believes that the phrase "your message is very important" ranks right there with "Arbeit Macht Frei." Everybody knows that it is pure bullshit and that you will surely die if you wait longer than one hour for anyone to return your call. Nothing communicates your comparative relative standing in another's priorities if you don't get a call back on the same day that you leave your message. The anxiety created by an unreturned message is merely a replacement for the anxiety which used to exist when there was no answer and the telephone just rang and rang.
3. What to do when there is no return address?
A Christmas Card, signed by an old friend, containing a generic one-page synopsis of the past year, absent any reference to either a spouse, or something somewhat relevant, without a little sticky return address on the front left-hand side of the envelope, is a better form of communication than is a smoke-signal. It also requires evasive action less a scalping soon take place. Unfortunately, either #1 or #2 above represent the next available step in these troubled times.
Finally, says Frodo, there is the issue of the weather. What do you do if it is so damn cold outside that your dog's tweeter has icicles on it, and he looks to you for relief?