Topic: "A Woman Scorned"
According to Jane Fonda Hayden-Turner, her second ex-husband often confused the words "magnanimous" and "monogamous." That, she explains in her book, is why she caught him exiting a soiree outside his office in the CNN Tower, within a month of their marriage. Of course, she fails to discuss that this was the second husband who was less than inviolate. It causes Frodo to pause, and to consider all those exercise tapes, and to wonder if maybe Jane might be "all show and no go," if you get my drift.
Ms. Fonda Hayden-Turner also goes to some length to justify her new love affair. "I love the Chekhovian nature of the South: a slowness, a love of talk for its own sake, and the friendliness and humor, the jokes, like heirlooms passed back and forth and an acceptance of people's idiosyncracies. . .And where else can you hear expressions like 'frog strangler' and 'lower than a pregnant duck?'"
Now let's just hold our horses here a moment sweetcakes. Frodo has lived most of his life in the South, and this is the first mention ever of Chekhov, outside of a reference or two in old "Star Trek" reruns. And as for the "acceptance of people's idiosyncracies," we all remember the relationships exposed in "Deliverance," and as for Frodo, he hasn't touched a banjo since first he saw that flick.
The real wonder is the phrase Ms. Fonda Hayden-Turner came up with about a "pregnant duck." I have heard of someone being "lower than a gravedigger's boot," or being so "low that he has to look up to tie his shoes," or even "low enough to pick his nose with his toes." Frodo believes that this reference to some sort of overweight duck is a Fig Newton of her imagination.
Now Frodo does not want to paint his hero, Mr. Ted Turner, as entirely blameless in all this. I mean Frodo will make allowances for someone who has pledged to donate $1 Billion to the United Nations. What's more, Brother Turner has amassed, and lost, at least two fortunes, one his father's, and one his own. Additionally, he was overheard to remark to his son, Teddy, who inquired about his personal situation when Turner Enterprises merged with Time-Warner, "You're toast." How can you not like a guy who takes all of life with a grain of salt? What we also know now is that he also takes whatever he can, when he can, and a "nooner" is part of his doctor's prescription, along with a little lithium, when needed.
Completing my circle on this, I've often considered the literary value of some of the first books Frodo ever read. Bear with me, as Frodo changes Mr. Turner's name to "Dick," and let's review, together, some direct quotations from one of those books, and apply them to Brother Turner and Ms. Fonda Hayden-Turner: "See Dick and Jane. See Jane Come. Come Jane, Come. See Dick Come. . ."
Could I go to jail for this?