Mood: vegas lucky
Topic: "Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
Have you ever wondered how they take attendance at a NASCAR event? Frodo has always believed that they count the number of teeth and divide by four.
Frodo resents the presence of NASCAR and any reference to "Awesome Bill from Dawsonville" in his Sports pages in the newspaper. Sports is about sports, things that cause the participants to sweat. Sports is not about the absence of physical dexterity, strength, endurance, or hand-eye coordination. Frodo has never read a single article about NASCAR or Women's Basketball (Women's Basketball is another subject for another time, and may be headlined under "alternate lifestyles").
The Shire is in competition with several other major cities for the creation of a NASCAR Hall of Fame. Charlotte, Daytona Beach, Kansas City, and Richmond have also proffered substantial financial incentives in order to enhance the opportunity to attract this major "tourist attraction."
Are these people all crazy? Doesn't anybody remember "Freaknik," when every over-sexed black college student in America showed up in The Shire each spring in order to parade nude in public and tie-up traffic? Imagine, dear reader, thousands of "Recreational Vehicles" piloted by individuals at least 50% above the recommended body weight, waving Confederate Flags and crying over the departure of somebody named Dale. Imagine all of these vehicles holding a giant "tailgate party" hosted by that debonair Governor of Georgia "Sonny" (aka "Curly") Perdue.
The Guvnah screams at the podium "Boys, y'all start yer injuns." Frodo is overcome by the thrust of 100,000,000 psi's of carbon monoxide added to the ozone haze swallowing his homeland.
Frodo is on his knees, in all humility, with the hope that Kansas City (which seems to be the greatest distance from The Shire of all the contesting cities) emerges victorious in this endeavour. It should be noted that there is neither a reason nor a likelihood that Frodo will ever have a need to be anywhere in the vicinity of Kansas City.
Good luck to all you Kansans (or Missourians?)!