Topic: "State Dinner" (3)
"Mr President, my name is Mr. Frodo, my title is Chancellor of the Exchequer, and I am here at the suggestion of Mrs. Bush."
"So, what am I doing with the guy who used to run a grocery store?'
"Well, you said you were the ex-chancellor at the checkout." The President snickers.
"No Sir, that means that I am assigned the task of ensuring propriety at State Affairs. For the White House Dinner, it is my responsibility to assist you with your, how do I say it? Your manners, Sir."
"Laura, what's this about my manners? Where is that woman?"
"Sir, no one is impugning your behavior, it is just that there are certain requirements which mean a great deal to the British people, and to make you aware of them would prevent anything implied as discourtesy, if you will."
"Well, I owe 'The Poodle' a great deal for helpin' me out in Irack, so I certainly don't want to do anything that might cause him a problem."
"Very good Sir, that's the spirit. Now let's begin with the tails on your tuxedo, shall we?"
"Okay, what's to know?"
"Sir, when seating yourself at the table, you should carefully place each tail to the side of your chair. Sitting on the tails will wrinkle them, or make them stick out at funny angles."
"Well we couldn't have that, could we?"
"Yes, Mr. Frodo?"
"Don't wipe your mouth with the tails, Sir. Use your napkin. It is so much more appropriate."
"Let me ask about all these forks and knives and spoons. I never have been sure about what to do after the salad fork. That is the one on the outside, isn't it?"
"Oh yes Sir, that's quite correct. However Sir, I strongly suggest that you not pick your teeth with the tines of your fork."
"Listen here Mr. Frodo. I'm from Texas, and we do understand manners. What I know is that you don't use a toothpick at the table. . ."
"That is correct Sir. Very good, but a gentleman will deftly use his napkin as opposed to a fork."
"The napkin again, huh? Anything else you can use it for?"
"Uh Sir, I do not suggest that your blow your nose into your napkin. The Queen would find that to be quite offensive."
"Well, now that we've covered the napkin, and the utensils, and I know the boys serving the dinner will do just fine, exactly how do I handle pushin' back from the table, and gracefully makin' my exit?"
"For God sake, do not fart at the table."
"Well you better let Rove and Cheney in on that one."
"Are you serious?"
"Listen here Mr. Frodo, I need to know if all you English boys got sissified by being in those boarding schools together?"
"Well, we used to always say that the whole British Empire came crashin' down because the boys was all a bangin' other boys, if you know what I mean?"
"Well, except for ole Churchill, of course. Then there's Liz's boy Charles, shoot, givin' his story, he'd fit right in with ole Newt and Rudy. I mean with Diana and everything."
"Sir, I strongly suggest that these are not proper items for discussion with Her Majesty during dinner."
"Shoot boy, I know that. My Dad told me he thought the old girl was going to pass out when he asked her if she'd ever had a real man."
"He did what?"
"Well, don't worry. I won't do anything worse than old Gerry Ford."
"I'm afraid to ask."
"He busted his zipper takin' a leak just before the Queen and Phil showed up. . . Hey, somebody get some water, this here Hobbit fella just fainted!"