Topic: "One More Round" (4)
"Saint Peter, Sergeant Frodo here. You know, at the Sign-in Desk."
"Yes, Sergeant Frodo, you've been doing an excellent job. What can I do for you?"
"Well Sir, we're having a little problem down here, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for your help."
"What seems to be the probem?"
"Well Sir, there's this new guy here, and he doesn't seem to agree with his room assignment."
"Okay, is he an upper or a lower berth assignee?"
"Well, why not just assign him to an escort by an archangel all the way down to the River Styx?"
"I tried that Sir, but he refused to cooperate without my personal assurance that his roommate would be a white, conservative, heterosexual American citizen."
"Well, I fail to see the problem. Surely that fits the description of almost all those assigned to the Underworld?"
"Yes Sir, that is correct. However, the problem is that his conduct while on the small, blue planet was not consistent with someone who has the option to pick his own roommate."
"I see, so this must either be a child molester or a member of the Bush Administration?"
"Actually Sir, even worse, it is Jesse Helms."
"Jesse Helms! You mean that ill-mannered, egotistical, homophobic, racist ignoramus that ran the Senate Judiciary Committee while 'serving' the people of North Carolina?"
"One and the same."
"You know, Mr. Frodo, I've been waiting on this one for a long, long time. Jesse Helms became the proof that the 'good die young,' wouldn't you agree?"
"Indeed I do. What would you like me to do?"
Saint Peter smiled.
"How about telling Mr. Helms that he'll meet his eternal roommmate on the specific instructions of 'The Big Guy.'"
"Yes, I'll assign him to Plato."
"Mickey Mouses' dog was gay?"
"No Mr. Frodo, I'm talking about the Greek philosopher."
"Gosh Saint Peter, I was sort of hoping for somebody else."
"How about a black guy like Sammy Davis, Junior?"
"Well, that's not bad, but I was thinking about someone who would keep him up at night wondering, you know?"
"How about Liberace?"
"Bingo. He'll never close his eyes around that guy."
"A wise decision Sir. This'll probably get you re-elected."