Topic: "Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"This is your correspondent Frodo Baggins, reporting to you from the Midway, at Opryland USA. Here we are in the middle of the event that dwarfs all the other events of the weekend, the very first National Convention of the Tea Bag Party."
"As you can see behind me, the crowds are humongous, with over 100 people who are at least 100 pounds overweight, in flip-flops and other fashionable apparel provided by the good folks in Bentonville, Arkansas."
"What strikes you first are the colorful and creative tee shirts which adorn the throng of merry-makers. There are yellow shirts bearing witticisms like "If they didn't want you to eat it, why'd they make it look like a taco?" and that old family favorite, "Insured by Smith & Wesson."
"The crowd is still recovering from the inspiring kick-off speech offered last evening by that great American, Mr. Tom Tancredo (who may be seen in reruns of 'The Sopranos'). The former Congressman from the State of Colorado (make a note to cancel ski vacation) thrilled the throng with his inspiring reflections back to the good ole days before the demise of the poll tax and desegregated schools. This correspondent can tell you ladies and gentleman, you couldn't even hear the ketchup slurped off a single french fry during that speech! What a way to warm up the crowd!"
"Oh boy 'though, the biggest part of the celebratin' will come later this evening, after all of the workshops and committee meetings are concluded, when the Queen of the Heartland arrives in her personal double-wide. Sarah Palin herself will speak before the largest crowd in Opryland political history, to over a thousand people paying $350 a piece to hear her refute that little Communist bitch Katie Couric and discuss the latest issue of the 'National Enquirer,' which she has read from cover-to-cover."
"The importance of this grass-roots gathering cannot be over-emphasized in the opinion of this correspondent. It won't matter if former Governor Palin doesn't get around to mentioning Rush Limbaugh and his use of the word 'retard' more than 40 times. It won't matter if the Congresswomen from Minnesota and Tennessee do stay away in order to protect themselves from ethical whispers emanating from campaign contributors. What matters is that these Americans, free from the restrictions of fact and education, are here. . .in Opryland. . .on Super Saints Bowl Week-end. . .while it snows like hell all over the East Coast. . .and these bunch of lunatics will spend all day Sunday finding that the road back to the trailer park started when they dropped out of school after the seventh grade."
"Frodo Baggins, signing off. Until next time, America."