Topic: "Read All About It" (5)
"Man Destroys TVs in Wal-Mart Bat Attack."
Frodo was thrilled at the headline in the Metro Section of the once-great, now-sorry, ATLANTA JOURNAL-CONSTITUTION.
In his mind's eye, Frodo envisioned a story whereby the Lords of Bentonville had unknowingly constructed a megalith over the entrance to a cave which harbored millions of hibernants. Imagine if, dare he say it, they were fruit bats, and the story would go on to explain how the "greeter" at the front of the store had been overwhelmed by a storm of uninvited "window shoppers" and the result had been the destruction of the entire store supply of HDTV's by tons of bat poop. Frodo would have paid for admission to the claims presentation by store management to the insurance company underwriters.
Alternatively, the story might have been about some member of the Tea Bag Party who was attacked by the store mascot, i.e. the Wal-Mart Bat, and who destroyed hundreds of TVs attempting to escape from another lunatic in a clown suit. Frodo dreamed of his make-believe role as Officer Frodo attempting to present charges for malicious mischief to a wary judge.
What he didn't expect to read, given the wording of the headline, was that a miscreant named Wesley Strellis, 23, of Gwinnett County Georgia (home to the "Runaway Bride," the "Barbie Banditos," and the attempted assassin of Larry Flynt) had calmly walked into his local Wal-Mart, selected a baseball bat from the Sporting Goods section, and proceeded to smash the daylights out of every TV on display. At "press time," there had been no information available as to the motivation for the alleged destruction of more than $22,000 worth of televisions.
Frodo would argue "justifiable self-defense" in Mr. Strellis' behalf if, as is often the case, all the TVs had all been tuned into FOX News. No rational person could withstand that much bat shit.