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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Let's Go, Let's Go, Let's Go Little Darlin'
Mood:  surprised
Topic: "Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)

Eveyone has heard the semi-jest that "To go to Hell, you have to change planes in Atlanta," so it is not surprising that some pretty strange things take place in the confines of Hartsfield-Jackson Airport.  The dialogue which follows is added to the circumstances which usurped all of Frodo's creative juices.  To the protagonist so identified, Frodo says "Trick or Treat?"

"Hello."

"Who is this?"

"This is Willie, in baggage."

"Sir, you are on a restricted channel and are disrupting communications in the Airport Control Tower."

"Hey man, all I know is I dialed 911, cause I got a serious problem here."

"Sir, clear this line immediately, you are endangering flight control operations."

"Listen here sucker, it's either you gettin' me some help down here, or I'm gonna be a hamburger for the biggest damn cat I've ever seen."

"What?  Who are you?  Where are you?  What are you talkin' about?"

"Not so loud man, he might hear you?"

"Who? He? Repeat.  Can I have a supervisor over here, please?"

"Listen, I'm Willie Andrews, workin' baggage, and I jus' opened the cargo hatch on 'dis plane in from Oregon, and here's da biggest damn cat I ever seen."

"So what's. . ."

"Man, he's jes walkin' around like he owns da joint."

"Wait a minute, are you sayin' he's loose?  What kind of cat is it?"

"He's a big cat."

"How big?  Does he have a mane?"

"What's a mane?"

"Sir, this is Flight Supervisor Landers.  Are you reporting a wild animal loose in the baggage compartment of an incoming aircraft at Hartsfield-Jackson Airport?  Are you reporting this as an emergency?"

"What the hell you think I'm doin'?  Calling Roto-Rooter?"

"Hang up now Sir, I will call you back."

"What you got up there, Caller ID?"

"Security, this is Flight Supervisor Landers, please dispatch a Team to the Baggage Area, we have a potential wild animal threat."

"Say what?"

"We have a report by Baggage Handler Willie Andrews that there is a wild feline loose in the baggage compartment of an incoming flight from Oregon.  We are diverting all incoming traffic away until such time as you report back to this station."

"Any description?"

"According to his on-line photo ID, he's male, about 6'2", 255 pounds."

"I mean the 'feline'."

"Oh, negative on that."

"Hello, Mr. Andrews?"

"Nice kitty."

"Mr. Andrews?  Come in."

"Nice kitty, you wanna chew on this phone?  Jes' don't use up all my minutes."

FRODO NOTE:  the one-year-old female cheetah, en route to the Memphis Zoo, apparently got out of her crate while changing planes.  The Delta 757 was brought into a closed hangar and Dr. Sam Rivera, a Zoo Atlanta veterinarian, shot the 90 pound kitty with a tranquilizer gun.  She is doing well in quarantine in the Atlanta Zoo, and will continue her journey to her new home next week.

Willie Andrews has filed for early retirement, and is seeking compensatory damages for both the "roaming charges" which appeared on his telephone bill from AT&T, and for dry cleaning.

 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:12 AM EDT
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Friday, October 31, 2008
Saturday In The Park, And Every Day's The Fourth of July
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: "Philosopher Kings" (4)

It was almost exactly two hours from the moment when Frodo and Sam had joined the end of the line, until they were handed their ballots.   Frodo is notoriously impatient, and is widely-known for irrational outbursts when suffering incompetence.  This day however, was very different.

The young man immediately in front of the Hobbits had moved to the Shire a year ago from Seattle, and this was his first voting experience in a non-coastal setting.  About 100 places in line ahead, but only 20 feet away, were a couple of black guys who offered to trade places with Sam for $20.  When they mentioned that they had been in that exact spot 45 minutes earlier, Frodo authorized the beginning of negotiations.  Their good humor told Frodo that he would have to suffer delay, and like it.  Soon, Frodo began to find that he was enjoying himself, and, what's more, so was everybody else.

There was a little boy eating a saltine cracker, which he offered to Frodo from his stroller.  Since he was not yet to a communicative level, Frodo was hesitant to accept such a gift.  Frodo asked him if he knew that he was a part of history, and his mother smiled at Frodo.  She was snapping his picture with a digital camera.

There was a college-aged young lady, reading a best seller familiar to Sam, but unknown to Frodo.  She carried a bookmark which read "Yes We Can."

Frodo returned to his Grisham paperback ("Playing for Pizza") until he was interrupted by the stir all about a talking head from the local Faux News channel who was chronicling the long lines associated with early voting in this, one of six available locations in the county.  Had it been Rachel Maddow or Andrea Mitchell, Frodo would have grinned "that" grin in order to elicit an opportunity to be interviewed.  The reality was that whoever she was, she still appeared to have acne bumps hidden under a Clearisil-colored mountain of make-up.  Frodo turned his attention back to the real people.

The poll workers were both efficient and sensitive.  One grey-haired lady explained exactly where the restrooms were, and how to access them without losing ones' place-in-line.  Another cautioned everyone to "turn-off" their cellphones once they entered the building; the why was not explained, mainly because no one asked.  Frodo didn't care.  Another poll worker asked if anyone were over 75, or had any physical discomfort, and for those who indicated in the affirmative there was an immediate guide provided to the front-of-the line.  No one either complained, or seemed to take any notice whatsoever.  That, dear reader, was what caught the full bore attention of the Hobbit.

Nobody complained.  It was as if everyone knew that this was an important day, and that what they were doing was equally important.  Perhaps, as Frodo surmised, each person there, and in lines just like them in other locations, was moved by something between a sense of history, and a sense of participation.  No one, at any point, ever mentioned a candidate's name, or how they were going to vote. 

Frodo likes to think that he was wise enough to figure out for whom all of those people were voting.  Perhaps he is, but beyond that intellectual arrogance, there rests the knowledge that, for whatever reason, Frodo and Sam had just participated in a plebiscite.  People were determining whether or not, and at what level, civilization and life upon our small, blue planet would proceed against the many challenges we all face this day.  It was this experience which was guaranteed to Frodo by his Uncle "Junior," by Johnnie Jenkins, and by all those who rest beneath marble stones in Arlington and places just like it.

Damn, it was a good day.  Frodo wishes he could vote again.

 

 

 

 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:24 PM EDT
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Thursday, October 30, 2008
I'm Being Followed By A Moon Shadow
Mood:  special
Topic: "Birthday Memory" (4)

Gumbo was a mixed-breed terrier, thrown from a passing car.  The frightened dog spent the next several days hiding from any passing stranger.  Sam was determined that cruelty would be treated with kindness, and did everything possible to encourage the little creature to come out and accept food and water.  Fear is difficult to overcome, and just when it seemed that nothing more could be done, the little dog took the risk of its' life and crawled out to accept Sams' gifts.  Thus was born a relationship of fidelity which lasted well beyond the next decade.

Gumbo may have been small, but she was fearless whenever the perception arose that Sam was under threat.  The most ferocious of snarls and the most ominous of growls would be presented to any stranger approaching too close, or without a proper introduction.  In those days Sam's Mother was very ill with breast cancer, and Frodo was often occupied at Mount Doom, unable to join in the frequent and long trips to the bedside.  Frodo did not fear for Sam's well-being because of the presence of her defender, the tireless Gumbo.  Many was the befuddled wayfarer who offered to pet "the cute puppy," and found himself in the sights of a guided missile, disguised as a dog.

When Frodo's father succumbed, Gumbo joined Frodo and Sam in the long trek to the land of Frodo's birth.  While services were being conducted, Gumbo had to remain in a strange house, all alone, instead of being on active duty at the side of Sam.  While Sam and Frodo were long-delayed at the graveside, Frodo's Uncle "Junior," remembering the little dog, back at "the house," all alone, and probably under severe distress left earlier than most.  The former Marine, wounded at Okinawa, drove back, all alone, in order to free "the cute puppy."  The gentle giant of a Man swept the dog up in his arms and carried her out into the yard.  He stayed with her while she performed her required duties, and the two of them probably talked for quite some time about Frodo and Sam.

When everyone else arrived, the two were now fast friends.  Sam, who worried all the way from the cemetery about how long the dog had been alone, was moved to tears by the two new friends, and the kindness of Uncle "Junior."  For many years after Gumbo's demise, and whenever Sam and Uncle "Junior" got together, they would speak of their tiny friend.  Sam loved Uncle "Junior," as did Frodo.

One-half-an-hour into Frodo's birthday the suffering ended for Uncle "Junior."  Grieve not, dear reader, for Frodo, and the seeming inequity of death borne on the shoulders of celebration.  Frodo will remember this man, every year, on his own birthday, and celebrate a life that Frodo admired as long as he can remember.  Every year, on that date, Frodo will toast Uncle "Junior," and fill a small water bowl for the little dog who walks with him; of this, Frodo is very sure.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:28 PM EDT
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Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Black Pearl, Precious Little Girl
Mood:  hug me
Topic: "Where's my puppy?"(4)

It is a rare person that can stand up to the President of the United States, and not feel just a little intimidated.  Frodo cracked a rare smile today when he heard that the prospective President had been warned by his eldest daughter not to mess with her TV.  Fortunately, for Senator Obama, the Disney Channel will proceed with its' regular programming tomorrow evening, pleasing at least one member of the Obama family, immensely.

Frodo has missed little kids in the White House.  He is overjoyed by the prospect of little people, nearly his size, who will be peeking out from under desks and dripping ice cream on hardwood floors.  It just seems like such a long time since the entire Nation, if not the entire World, could just reach out and hug America's own little family.  Frodo doesn't mean to offend Chelsea and the Bushettes, but they were just a little too big, at least for the Hobbit (they were also larger than their breeches).

It sounds bizarre to say, but this is one of the reasons that Frodo was drawn, early on, to the Obama candidacy.  Bringing our nation together is not going to be easy, but can you imagine, dear reader, how a smile might be brought to the face of some curmudgeon like Newt Gingrich if he finds a "dolly" on the sofa next to him in the Oval Office while meeting with the new President on the reform of Medicare?  A few smiles go a long way to bringing people together.

Two very pretty, very bright little girls; America's best days are ahead of us.  Just so long as they don't call each other "Turdblossom," like the last group of adolescents in the White House.

Frodo need also remind the prospective new President that he heard him promise a puppy (maybe the dog will pee on Gingrich's shoe).  


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:39 PM EDT
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Sunday, October 26, 2008
Do You Think Just Like A Woman
Mood:  happy
Topic: "Thin Ice, Frodo" (4)

Sam is not a fan of Sarah Palin.  In fact, Sam is offended by Sarah Palin, mainly because, or so it seems to Frodo, of the way that women are represented before the American electorate.  Of late, Sam has also become increasingly vocal about the role played by the "First Dude," or the seemingly unemployed snowmobile driver who involves himself in the administrative responsibilities of this Alaska Governor-turned-National Political Candidate.  Todd Palin, if nothing else, merits an exploratory commentary by the Hobbit, especially in light of Sam's intuition.

Frodo opposed the candidacy of Hillary Rodham Clinton for several reasons, but the only intellectual argument he would make in opposition, even today, had to do with the totally unique role played by her spouse, a former President.  Frodo was, and would still be, concerned about the interplay between the Constitutional Officers of the Administration (the President and the Vice President), and the spousal support offered by a two-term President.  Hypothetical situational questions could be listed ad infinitum, delineating the threat to legitimacy exhibited by actions initiated or advised from one who bares no responsibility under the Constitution.  Carrying the argument even further, that is also why Frodo would have advised Senator Obama not to select Senator Clinton as his running mate. We are simply not prepared to deal with the possibilities.

Despite her experience, her talent, her potential, it would have been an error of constitutional crisis proportions to put simple human beings into a situation which absolutely no one had properly considered.  Which brings us to Sarah Palin, and a husband who used State facilities in order to exert perceived political influence in that which has certain purely personal dimensions.  Todd Palin has no authority, nor has he any responsibility, under the laws of the State of Alaska.  Had he concerns about the behavior of any State employee, would it not be more appropriate for him to seek redress through the courts (if permitted), or through normal administrative activity?  Instead, this "maverick" decides to act in a manner which implied pure political process, and for that he was neither in authority, nor could he be held responsible for his conduct.

Instead, Governor Palin pronounced the "First Dude," as some sort of latter-day hero, acting to defend the honor and integrity of his extended family.  To Frodo however, this entire "Troopergate" affair reflects both a lack of understanding or appreciation for the rightful conduct of elected officials.  Sarah Palin just doesn't get it.  Todd Palin probably does, at least that is what Sam thinks.

Unfortunately, the issue is the same when applied to the possibility of Senator Clinton in the White House. 

Someday, and maybe someday very soon, the issues relating to a  "First Spouse" will be addressed by academicians and jurists alike.  It won't result in a "Constitutional Amendment" or anything so formal, but it will allow us to have some up-front understandings about how things work, and who gets to use the telephone on official business.  Sad it is that such considerations did not first involve themselves with women named Martha or Abigail. 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:00 PM EDT
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Saturday, October 25, 2008
It's Late September And I Really Should Be Back At School
Mood:  cool
Topic: "October Dreamin'" (4)

Frodo will tell you that Autumn carries a sense of foreboding.  Despite his stated belief that the first cold wind blowing from the North carries the clash of life with death, he cannot help but marvel at the collage which Gauguin, on his best day, could not rival.  Without warning, the greens soon become a touch of yellow, or a streak of orange, followed by the occasional crimson sword.  Together, the chemical mixture manifested in deciduous leaves stops hearts, and brings Frodo to his knees.

Old friends often share ancient secrets when re-united after inexplicable absences.  Such was the case when Frodo attended old friends at the College of the Shire.  While halfway listening to multiple conversations, Frodo heard someone talk about the dreams that have plagued them for so many years, all emanating from their classroom days.  Frodo immediately verbally interjected in order to introduce his recurring nightmare about just falling short of the number of credit-hours required in order to graduate, forty years after the fact.  In truth, Frodo never had such a problem, but he has "dreamed" of this for year-after-year.

Hearing from nearly all of his old friends about similar dreams, Frodo has come to the conclusion that trauma, in whatever format, defines the nature of our life experiences far beyond our successes.  Perhaps that is why we prefer the colors of Autumn to the blossomings of Spring.  We remember where we were when we heard that someone died, but are unable to remember birthdays or anniversaries.  Life is, indeed, marked in different ways.

Frodo's earliest rememberance was the surreptitious observation of his parents placing presents under a tree, then telling him that "Santa Claus" had brought them.  That trauma, in the dead of Winter, hangs heavy upon the subconscious of the Hobbit.  The Hobbit is grateful that hibernation exists for other mammalians, for he has no interest in dreams without end. If he had an option, Frodo would choose to dream that he had accumulated all of his required credits before the leaves fell.  He couldn't imagine failing to graduate because of that crummy grade in Statistics.  

 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:34 PM EDT
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Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting
Mood:  down
Topic: "A Space Odyssey" (4)

2001 days ago, a recovering alcoholic was assisted in his landing upon an aircraft carrier.  Still wearing his jump-suit, he stepped up to a microphone and proclaimed that the military mission he initiated had been brought to a successful conclusion.  A banner which hung as a backdrop to this performance read, simply, "Mission Accomplished."

He looks much older now.  His hair is that wavy gray which connotes a serious decision not to use the Grecian Formula.  He still walks as if he is required to keep a protuberance in his rectum.  That evil smirk, which has bedeviled and reviled his opposition, is ever-present, and appears whenever he means to smile, but doesn't know how.  2001 days later, he still fascinates an audience listening only to hear the latest grammatical gaffe from this very sadly unknowing incompetent.

Frodo has always pondered the Book of Job, in the Old Testament.  It has  bothered him that a passionate Lord would use a faithful worshipper as a demonstration of faith.  To make someone who loved him suffer, simply to prove a point, does not seem consistent with much of the message contained elsewhere in that which we know as The Bible.  Had Frodo been a member of the group of men who decided which of these ancient writings were to be included in The Bible, Frodo would have voted against both the Books of Leviticus and Job.  His argument being that the literal nature of each is inconsistent with the overall context.

There is, however, merit in the sufferings of Job.  Frodo thinks that George W. Bush should, also, have pustules upon his ass; so that he would experience pain and suffering, whether he stood, or whether he sat.  It would not be a demonstration as proffered by Job, but a condemnation, lasting for all time.

May the remaining days of this Presidency pass with speed, and a full reckoning.  


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:04 PM EDT
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Monday, October 20, 2008
I'm A Soldier In The War On Poverty
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: "Loans and Deposits" (4)

Frodo knows a lot of bankers.  Upon his return to the Shire from his brief visit to the College of the Shire (comments to follow), Frodo spent this business day talking to many of them about the global fiscal crisis.  What he learned gave him encouragement and a budding sense of confidence in the wisdom of those who have to this point appeared as befuddled, bamboozled, and hoodwinked. 

On Friday past, the Presidents of banks all across America received a letter from the appropriate officials in the Government of the US of A.  In that letter they were informed that they were allotted 3% of their current outstanding volume of LOANS as additions to their capital base.  This being, of course, part of that which has been referred to as the "bailout" of Wall Street.  This means, for example, that if a bank had $1 Million in loans on their books,  they would then receive $30 Thousand more to loan out to other customers.  Without that $30 Thousand, the bank would have to convince other customers to DEPOSIT an equivalent amount into savings, a certificate of deposit, or some other such account in order to make a loan to another customer.   Since these deposits earn interest, they cut into the banks' ability to make a profit from the interest received on normal loans.  By loaning out, therefore, that $30 Thousand, the bank will make more money and incur less costs than if they relied on deposits to fund the loan.

$30 Thousand might finance an awfully nice GM car or truck for a customer of the bank.  Selling one of those vehicles currently sitting on a dealer's lot will certainly help the stock price of the company now facing a merger with Chrysler, or bankruptcy.  At the same time, falling gasoline prices allow the dealer to obtain sufficient working capital to stay in business until "hybrids" start arriving from Detroit (or other ports).

The momentum of confidence in the flow of money is critical.  The fact that there is now money that can be borrowed gets the process started again, and if that purchaser of the $30 Thousand car or truck pays his/her loan back as agreed, then the taxpayer, supporting the "bailout," gets his money back, eventually.  Along the way, companies and their investors also do better than they have in recent months. 

All of this, Frodo feels, will be gradual, and far from smooth.  The good news is that normalcy will return when America is no longer led by an Incomparable Moron, who fiddled while the entire world almost came unglued.

As promised, Frodo notes his brief sojourn to the spot where first he met Sam.  From this visit he reaffirmed the wisdom of his selection process.   Frodo also shared a smile and a joke or two with many of those who cannot be forgotten.

Frodo counts his blessings (as well as his money).   You, dear reader, should be so lucky.

   


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:03 PM EDT
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Thursday, October 16, 2008
It's Only Rock N' Roll, But I Like It
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: "Virginia Lovers" (4)

Despite the narrow lanes on the Interstate, it is pleasant to run the ridges of green land Tennessee, and to pass into the rolling hills of Virginia.  Frodo's forebears passed this way generations ago, heading for new lands, and Frodo occasionally waves at pedestrians who could be distant relatives, long ago having decided that they had travelled far enough.  Fortunately none so far have appeared with a banjo.

Sam is wistful, the gallant Howard was borne near here, and that brings his gentle spirit into the motorcar.  The small towns that pass outside bear names familiar to Frodo only through the discourse they held in years past.  Frodo always wondered how "Bean Station" got its' name, or if "French Lick" signaled something earthy, if not foreign?  How sad that the source of information is now something one "googles," rather than listening to tales told from a porch-swing.  Perhaps that is the reason that Frodo and Sam sit closer together than at other times.

Soon they will join the merry raconteurs of tall tales and hapless adventures.  Pictures of children will have turned to those of grandchildren, with expectations of recognition and admiration.  Gladly, they are to be given, and gratefully they will be received.  Beverages will be refreshed beyond the pale, and Frodo will be most concerned about the proximity of appropriate facilities.  His bladder, it seems, has aged beyond his spirit. 

What worries Frodo is how to encapsule two score of years, and to somehow remain relevant.  Perhaps a handout, something like a dullard letter in a Christmas Card, is the answer, but even Frodo's brevity would be taxed by wanting to say something different to everyone he greets.  These people helped to make Frodo, and their gifts to him are both distinct and precious.  His thought is to introduce them to these pages, in  hopes that one day he may write something worth remembering. 

That, Frodo decides, is what he will offer to those who still enjoy swinging on the front porch, and listening to the wind.  There are too few of us. 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:43 PM EDT
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Tuesday, October 14, 2008
What A Way To Make A Livin'
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Southern Pine Beetles"(4)

Frodo would raise his eyes from the page before him, and watch rings of smoke blossom against the darkness outside the window.  Before long Paul would come in the room, and they would share cigarettes and beer while the turntable warbled about Kawliga or Cheating Hearts.  These moments of interruption are what Frodo remembers best about those days and the guy with the quirkiest habits and the best GPA in the College of the Shire.

The behavioral sciences do their absolute best to emulate the true sciences.  Frodo's friends, many of whom studied chemistry, physics, biology, or some other pathway into wealth and respect in later years, queried him frequently about current events.  They assumed that Frodo had a scientific appreciation for the world before them, and that he could provide definitive answers as a result.  Paul knew better.

Paul knew that natural laws applied to everyday life with increasing regularity, but that it still must be concluded that some things happen just because they are meant to happen.  He studied more and longer than anyone else at the College of the Shire, and he got top grades in things called "Organic Chemistry," when every prospective doctor and dentist alongside him lamented the potential of possible failure.  Paul would be there, nearly every night, living on potato chips, beer, and cigarettes, and listening to the Hank Williams on his record player while he computed theorems.

He also had a car, if you could call it that.  He paid $100 for it when he bought it, and he sold it for $110 three years later.  He considered that a significant financial gain, since the total represented what was almost surely his caloric budget for any given semester.  Frodo needs to mention that Paul was always quite slender.

Paul studied bugs.  Specifically, he centered upon the Southern Pine Beetle, something then unknown to his friend Frodo.  From him however, Frodo learned about the plague that falls upon the forests when these unstoppable vermin attack trees from Maine down to the very end of the Appalachians.  Only coal appears as a more formidable representative of God's hand in the affairs of Man in these mountains.

For many years thereafter, when Frodo wanders into his beloved mountains, he finds a grove of pinewood scarred and stripped of life.  Not unlike an Ansel Adams photograph, the stark nature of light against darkness, and the death so encompassed, Frodo stops and studies the artistry of what was, and wonders about what will eventuially be.  Paul taught Frodo that life will emerge, first from the forest floor, and then to fill in anew.  Frodo always thinks of his friend at these times.

Paul became the Chairman of the Department of Entomolgy at the University of New Hampshire.  He home-schooled his offspring, and he even served a full term as an elected County Commissioner (Frodo is pretty sure he was not re-elected).  Frodo knows this from the Christmas Cards that came for over thirty years, then, inexplicably, silenced.

Paul notified Frodo that he will return, for the very first time, to this the Reunion at the College of the Shire.  Frodo asked if Paul had Hank Williams on CD's, and he was answered in the affirmative.  Somehow Frodo was not surprised. 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:39 PM EDT
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