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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
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Citizens of Middle Earth
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The Return of the King
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Friday, May 15, 2009
No Matter How They Toss The Dice
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: "Airline Highway" (5)

There is a stretch of road that intersects from the west with Interstate 75 at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville.  Since it bypasses the local airport, the cognomen quite naturally evolved into "Airport Highway."  It always struck the transient Frodo suspiciously that nearly all of the available real estate alongside the Airline Highway has been devoted to automobile dealerships.  That, dear reader, is probably one more piece of Americana that is about to face a significant alteration .

What replaces the vacant showrooms?  Does this stretch of road now become "Hamburger Highway," offering the McDonald's Corporation the opportunity to get your business, coming or going?  What about the people named Chuck Clancy or Greg Baranco?  Do salesman simply go and find something else to sell, maybe offering you cash for your golden rings, thereby becoming the "Pawnshop Parkway."  What will the local governments do to offset the loss in sales and property taxes from businesses that no longer exist?  Will entrepreneurs and start-up companies emerge to start over again, simply because there is no one to hire them, offering a potential "Millionaires' Multiplex?"

In "Dances With Wolves, " Kevin Costner comes into contact with a noble people who ask themselves great questions.  They want to know how their lives will change.  They are confronted by a lessening of the precious resources which have sustained them since their fathers were young men, and they fear that "Buffalo Boulevard" will soon become an empty path.  They debate their choices, and they smoke the sacred pipe so that what they do will be ensconced with the blessings of the spirits.

Frodo wonders if Chief Dan George is still alive?  What about the noble actor who appeared in that great environmental message with a tear in his eye as he looked out over a factory belching smoke above the wide plains?  Frodo supposes they are gone now.  He will probably think about them a great deal more, and certainly when next he drives the "Airline Highway."


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:28 PM EDT
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Thursday, May 14, 2009
Just One Look, That's All It Took
Mood:  on fire
Topic: "Frodo Op" (5)

"You do what you say you're going to do, that's the example you set," so said the firebrand Frodo.  "After all," he continued, "the entire premise has been 'transparency,' so that all the Citizens of Middle Earth will be able to see and hear the truth; so that they can be informed as well as wise."

"Mr. Frodo, there are an awful lot of people who think that the President is acting wisely, even if he is changing his mind.  After all. . ."

"What are you saying?," screamed Frodo, "How can anyone argue that a bunch of stupid pictures are a threat to anyone else?"

"Well Mr. Frodo, our soldiers overseas. . ."

"Our soldiers?  You moron," said the usually taciturn Hobbit, "the only danger pictures present are self-inflicted wounds to very lonely enlisted men, and women too, I guess."

"Sir, are you saying. . ."

"I'm saying that releasing all of the photographs will allow everyone to judge for themselves," said the red-faced hero of Mount Doom.  "A silicon-additive to a rather plain exterior worked with Pamela Anderson, but for Carrie Prejean, the product is neither offensive nor titillating.  The President should release all of the pictures."

"Uh, Sir, I think you. . ."

"You can think anything you want," spoke the crusading liberal, "but the only way to maintain the public trust is to keep your commitments.  The loss of a single beauty pageant title is no reason to give the opposition an avenue of attack against the new Administration." 

"This has nothing to do with Miss USA. . ."

"That's correct, it is a much more important issue," proffered the jurisprudent one, "going back to the Supreme Court definition of obscenity. . ."

"Sir, it is about Abu Ghraib!"

Just then a familiar refrain is heard by all those witnessing the dialogue between Frodo and Sir Robert of Gibbs, it went "Da-da-da-dot-dot-dotta-dot-dot-dot," and Frodo spoke.  "Excuse me, that's my cell."

"Yo Merry, can I get back with you?  I'm here with. . .Oh, you know that?. . .You're watching us now, you say."

A pregnant pause ensues.

"Gotcha, the pictures they're talking about aren't the nude photos of Miss California USA, but of a bunch of "Madrassah Monties" being abused by military personnel as well as mercenaries from the Land of Cheney.  I see.  Thanks, Merry.  Back atcha."

"Never mind," said Frodo to the embattled Sir Robert of Gibbs, "but in case you hadn't noticed, my cellphone plays 'Dixie'."

Gibbs' cellphone rang.  "Yes Sir.  I'll let him know you were watching."  Frodo shuffled his feet under the gaze of Helen Thomas.  "Yes Sir," added Gibbs, "an excellent suggestion."  He hung up and smirked.

"Mr. Frodo," said Gibbs, "the President would like you to join him on Air Force One for a flight to Phoenix."  Frodo was stunned.  "Yes, he thinks you deserve the honorary degree from a school that accepts 92% of all applicants for admission."

Frodo promised himself, once again, to stop taking himself so seriously. 

 

 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:06 PM EDT
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Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Said He's Going Back To a Simpler Place And Time
Mood:  not sure
Topic: "Friendly Persuasion" (5)

Frodo is not naive.  He did, however, grow up believing that the world was a lot like the topic Gary Cooper film.  It was not until some outside force interrupted peace and tranquility with mortal danger that the musket was removed from its spot above the fireplace mantel.  Once the threat was vanquished, there would be plenty of time to consider the response, and to seek forgiveness for the violence that ensued.  What mattered was that the musket would be returned to the same spot above the mantel, and that the victory would be remembered as much for its cost, as for its reward.

Frodo laments the loss of Gary Cooper.  The community is not the same, tolerating behavior and response which gives rise to violence as opposed to an unalterable avoidance.  It thus became acceptable for the community to strike first, believing that the soldiers camped down by the river were soon to do the same, and that "turning the other cheek" would be fatal.  The words shared in the Meeting House no longer guide the community.

Anthony Perkins, in his first film, found himself justifying acts which were taken to reduce the potential of future threats to the community.  Despite the community resolve to follow the values upon which each and every homestead had been constructed, unspeakable, nay, inhumane, acts were tolerated, as necessary.  Many, many days would pass before any would again stand in the Meeting House to decry the fact that violence was initiated without regard to the very canons of community.  Acts of violence had been tolerated, even against those unable to defend themselves.

Frodo grew up believing that all Americans were like Gary Cooper and his family, and that all of us shared in that community.  When Gary took that musket down, he did so with the intent of destroying that which first struck, but only after he had exhausted every peaceful means of resolution.  When the fighting was over, the vanquished were treated and offered the opportunity to become a part of the better community.  The Meeting House then became the community forum for forgiveness, compassion, and salvation.

Frodo wearies of talk about torture.  Justification and denial of responsibility are characteristic responses to violence and cruelty.  For those who justify acts of violence there is no mention of "doing unto others."  For those who deny responsibility for violence and cruelty, there is an uncanny reflection of Pontius Pilate and a bowl of water. 

Funny it is that there is no reference by any of these to the values of the Meeting House.  The reference is only to saving lives.  Souls, Frodo supposes, are something we lost when Gary Cooper died.          


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:00 PM EDT
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Sunday, May 10, 2009
I Found Out How Good It Feels
Mood:  party time!
Topic: "Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)

Occasionally Frodo will get sucked into something and will find that he is unable to get out.   It used to happen to him when he wore the wrong kind of shoes after a big rainstorm, and walked among the puddles.  These days however, Frodo actually begins to pay attention to something he swore would be of no interest whatsoever.  The result can be just as unpleasant as the view of your shoe stuck in the mud from the vantage point of a socking foot hovering nervously above.

Diane Sawyer has always been a little "too, too" for Frodo.  When first he heard the broadcaster talk about her younger days growing up in Kentucky, all Frodo could think of was a fashionable hat, a mint julep, and a bunch of "silly boys" trying to impress her on Derby Day.  Her days in the Nixon White House, and her subsequent appearances as a journalist left Frodo convinced that the most successful results in affirmative action always involve who looks the best.   

That was why Frodo became suspicious when he noted Ms. Sawyer in the Eastern Kentucky coalfields talking about Appalachia.  Ms. Sawyer was apparently purporting to understand why some people fail to rise above their situations in life.  Frodo thought he was going to puke.  Despite his fervor for opportunity and a helping hand, Frodo gets a wee bit defensive when the unknowing enter into insoluble circumstances and generalize about "what needs to be done."  He began to pay attention with the potential intent of blasting the bitch entirely out of her side-saddle with words like these.

It was then that she started to talk about "Mountain Dew."

Pepsi-Cola is the manufacturer of a soft drink with the highest sugar content among all such beverages.  Imbibing "Mountain Dew," is not dissimilar to the inhaling of "Kool" cigarettes, which is among those highest in levels of nicotine.  It is addictive, in its own manner, and the "market share" it enjoys in the Appalachian areas of Kentucky, West Virginia, Virginia, and Ohio is formidable.  At the same time, Frodo learned from Ms. Sawyer, in the same area, among the same people, the instances of tooth decay, dental disease, and tooth loss is the highest in the nation.

Frodo started to think about people he has known who live or lived in Appalachia.  Long has he considered dietary deficiency a prime reason for the inordinate obeseity of the populace therein, and a preference for beer over other beverages was always an assumption he made about adults.  To his shame, Frodo had not looked hard enough at the problem, and had failed to see that the sweet taste of "Mountain Dew" was replacing the protective saliva from the teeth of children.

There is a plastic bottle of "Mountain Dew" in nearly every refrigerator in West Virginia.  The empties litter the roadsides, and every convenience store has the light green liquid up front and center in the cooler.  The "sugar high" is a great pick-me-up on the way home from school, or while you're cruising around looking for girls.  "Mountain Dew" is the same branding as "Budweiser" to those looking for social acceptance.  The fact that so few take time to brush their teeth after drinking the crap tells the tale.

"Caveat emptor?"  How about selective marketing?

Frodo owes a debt and an apology to Diane Sawyer, but he also asks her what the hell she's going to do about it? 

Frodo has stopped drinking that crap, and he fully intends to communicate to Mr. Pepsi himself.  He won't make the mistake of blaming Pepsi for all the ills that befall those a rung or two down on the social ladder, but every hand needing help needs to know that being toothless doesn't do much for your chances at a better job.        


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:02 PM EDT
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Thursday, May 7, 2009
Don't You Know That I Love My Music
Mood:  special
Topic: "Currahee" (5)

The following was inspired by a news item shown this evening by CBS Evening News.  Frodo expresses his gratitude for the opportunity to share some of this story.

Lieutenant William Brennan, of New Jersey, lost both his legs and slipped into an apparently irreversible coma while serving his country.  For months on end the young man's steel-blue eyes seemed to penetrate nothingness, and only artifical support guaranteed respiration.  In all candor, the medical staff at Walter Reed as well as the Lieutenant's Mom & Dad were concluding that his life had truly ended when that bomb exploded beneath him.  That did not mean that anybody was ready to give up, but the inevitable decision seemed, truly, inevitable.

Since the Lieutenant served in the 101st Airborne, it was only logical that commanding officers, past and present, came by frequently to express their support.  One of these, a certain David Petraeus, arrived in full uniform, with four stars on each of his shoulders.  Despite the glitter, and the encouraging words spoken at the bedside, Petraeus prepared to leave that evening feeling that he would not again see his comrade-in-arms. 

As Petraeus stepped away, something, perhaps deep in his own memory, made him stop and turn around.  He walked back to Brennan's bedside and loudly vocalized an old Cherokee Indian word, "Currahee."  Almost immediately, there was movement, as the young soldier began to thrash about.  He was responding.  It didn't take long for medical personnel and the Lieutenant's family to gather about his bed, as his body awoke from its' long nightmare.

Last week, almost a year later, Lieutenant William Brennan, 101st Airborne Division, US Army, was honored by his installation in the New Jersey State Hall of Fame.  General David Petraeus introduced the soldier to the throng, as he made his own way, on his artificial legs, to the podium.  At the urging of the General, the entire throng welcomed him with a long, and loud, "Currahee."

For the uninitiated, the 101st Airborne trains in Georgia, and a mountaintop, named Currahee, sits amid the obstacle courses and training facilities.  Running to the top of Currahee, and back, perhaps repeatedly, is drill-punishment for all those who serve in the 101st Airborne.  It is a word that each of them know, for it is the verbal bind between them, not unlike the "Semper Fi" of their brother Marines.

It was "Currahee" that stirred the unconscious of Lieutenant Brennan, and only one of his "Band of Brothers" would ever sense what it might mean to his comrade.

In the Cherokee language, "Currahee" means "To stand alone."

Frodo suddenly feels the need to step out under a star-filled sky, alone, and to count a few blessings.  


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:00 PM EDT
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Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Some Enchanted Evening, You May Find a Stranger
Mood:  surprised
Topic: "Imitation of Life" (5)

Edward James Olmos played a SCOTUS nominee, Hispanic no less.  Jimmy Smits played a one-term minority Congressman who runs for POTUS.  Alan Alda, the major opponent for the POTUS position, accepts the invitation to serve as Secretary of State in the new administration.  Allison Janney, Rob Lowe, Bradley Whitford, John Spencer all appear as characters who bear resemblances to Rahm Emanuel and Joe Biden, among others in the world as we now know it, dear reader.  The confluence of a fictional West Wing, and the adventures of a cheeseburger-eating community organizer raised in Hawaii bring new consideration to Frodo's belief that it is life, not art, which is the imitator.  

Several episodic creations of the fiction dealt with events surrounding the kidnapping of one of President Josiah Bartlett's daughters.  Several others dealt with an attempted assassination.  Unauthorized disclosure of state secrets brought the wrath of the President down on one of his most loyal staffers.  Frodo also readily recalls problems with the Vice President, trips into the heartland to confront the issue of ethanol as an alternative energy source, and a guy named Toby who arranged a military funeral for a homeless ex-Marine.  Admittedly, not all fiction, as these instances illustrate, results in factual life events on our small, blue planet, but it is extremely difficult to ignore circumstances which do follow upon the dreams.

Frodo embarked upon his quest to destroy the Ring because of what had been written by Lord Tolkien.  The creation, if that is indeed a proper term, was based upon a work that many felt was descriptive of Hitler's rise to power.  Lord Tolkien disputed that opinion, and Frodo subsequently interpreted what he had read to correspond neatly with the "books" of the Bible, and the disciples, and the return of the king, et al.  Aaron Sorkin's characters, and those who followed in real life, are just as vivid.  Perhaps it was this drama which inspired some to work so hard to bring change to our own Middle Earth.  In any event, Frodo is very, very grateful that, at least for one shining moment, Camelot. 

       

 

 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:14 PM EDT
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Sunday, May 3, 2009
I'm Doing Fine On Cloud Nine
Mood:  rushed
Topic: "Wither Channels" (5)

Frodo is used to a Sunday newspaper that takes all day to read, and lets him feel like he has a window to subject matter not necessarily a part of everyday conversation.  He enjoys learning about his computer, the birds in his backyard, new books, faraway destinations, the opinions of people who've actually been somewhere or done something, and why a 50-to-one shot wins the Derby.  It is Frodo's lament that the economics dictate a dimunition in the quality as well as the quantity of that offering these days, but nowhere does the lemming-like style of media management get more sickening than when the wind blows a little harder from the west.

All three major networks will interrupt the Sunday Evening News for the local weather simultaneously.  For the past month or so, it seems to occur every Sunday evening, and Frodo flips the channel only to be confronted by the exact same "doppler radar" presented either by the same guy who has done so since Thomas Edison lit him up, or by the newest resident of Atlanta who happens to have at least a 44-inch bust.  It goes without saying that CNN, MSNBC, and Faux are on auto-pilot and running re-runs of insipid interviews of dull people by interviewers trained at a school found only on matchbook covers.  Why, pray tell, asks Frodo, don't the three local national affiliates simply pool their resources and alternate "breaking news" about weather systems blowing in from Alabama that are making pretzels out of manufactured housing?

This evening, the storms started a little early.  One network was showing a basketball play-off game.  Another network was airing a play-off hockey match.  The other guys were showing a bunch of other guys playing golf.  Strange it was, thought Frodo, that none of the national media affiliates thought it important to do much more than run those ridiculously unintelligible "runners" across the bottom of the screens in order to warn all residents of Gunther County, Alabama, that hail may fall somewhere until about 10:15.  Such was the process until we reached the magic hour of national news.

What, exactly, is doppler radar?  Frodo notes a similarity with the X-ray machines they used to have in shoe stores that identified the mystery of ill-fitting Florsheims and concomitantly radiated a shrinking potential upon Frodo's genitalia. 

Frodo is looking to the West.  There are thunderclouds approaching, and that probaably means that Frodo's satellite TV system is about to report that it is searching for a signal.

The signal will probably be from doppler radar.

Andy Rooney, eat your heart out. 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:32 PM EDT
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Friday, May 1, 2009
More Than a Feeling
Mood:  down
Topic: "Sears and Loveaduck" (5)

Fred Tokars.

There is much that can be said about this former barrister and traffic court judge from suburban Atlanta, Cobb County specifically, who is today serving a life sentence without parole.  The facts proved that Tokars paid petty drug dealers to hide in waiting for his wife and to take her life.  The two small boys were still in their seat belts as their mother was bludgeoned to death, and they watched.  It was a horrific crime, and the entire city was mesmerized as the facts came flying actross the screen, even in the opening moments of the investigation.  The stricken husband, standing at the top of the driveway, being comforted by friends, neighbors, associates.  How could something this terrible happen here, in Republican Nirvana?

Frodo smelled a rat.

While he watched on his black-and-white, Frodo recognized two people in that driveway, wrapping their arms around the seemingly distraught widower.  Frodo knew who both of them were, husband-and-wife, although he had only met  one of them.  The gentleman had sought Frodo's assistance several months before, and spent almost an hour in Frodo's office, explaining his situation.  Frodo had originally thought the guy was pulling his leg, and was unimpressed.  Once Frodo realized the guy was totally serious, he was even more unimpressed.  How, dear reader, can one take a guy seriously when he tells you that his first name is "Love?"

Love's wife was political and thereby subject to frequent on camera interviews on nearly any domestic issue.  After meeting her husband, Frodo was convinced that the depth of their relationship must be entirely physical.  She was, of course, the other presence with arms wrapped around Fred Tokars.

Frodo started to question her judgment as the facts of the case unfolded.

In the years that have passed, her "Love" affair evidently soured, for that presence is no longer evident, at least on camera.  As mentioned above, it must have be equally humiliating for her to now look back at the photographs, of her, comforting a murderer, who had been her associate, her friend.  It is amazing that a political career could survive two such "gaffes" in judgment, but the Chief Justice of the Georgia Supreme Court, the first African-American, much less African-American female, to ever hold this post is the subject of this discussion.

Her name is Leah Ward Sears.  Her name is mentioned on nearly every news cast, noting her potential consideration for the position of Associate Justice, Supreme Court of the United States, replacing the Honorable David Souter.

Republicans, like elephants, never forget.  Frodo is willing to bet that the former Congressman from that district, Newt Gingrich, has already e-mailed Sean Hannity.

 

 

  


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:50 PM EDT
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Thursday, April 30, 2009
Falling In And Out of Love
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: "Yankee Humor" (5)

Ernie Banks, the Hall-of-Fame Shortstop who played for the Chicago Cubs, loved baseball, almost as much as Frodo.  After playing a doubleheader in steamy Wrigley Field one Saturday afternoon, Banks walked over to the radio announcer on the sidelines and said "Let's play three."  Frodo would have joined him, and would have played his heart out, for free.  It was, and is, to Frodo, a game. 

Michael Vick, who attended Virginia Polytechnic Institute on a full football scholarship, and later signed a multi-million dollar contract with the National Football League Atlanta Falcons, will soon be out of jail.  While performing his "job," Mr. Vick needed some personal amusement.  A few out-of-wedlock children didn't seem to satisfy "Number 7," so America's hero turned to dog-fighting.  Frodo doesn't need to go far with this shameful behavior by any creature recently removed from knuckle-dragging ambulatory progress.

To their credit, the Atlanta Falcons have made it abundantly clear, and to the chagrin of many of their fans, that Vick will not rejoin the Falccons once he is released from the hoosegow.  Frodo pops a Gelusil every time he thinks about the fact that this brain-dead penis will get lots of money from some team, somewhere, who cares only about winning games, and not about the kind of world we leave for those who follow.  Frodo did, however, crack a smile from ear-to-ear when he read about the "offer" Vick received from the Arena Football franchise, the "Albany Firebirds."

Now, Frodo has never been to Albany.  In all likelihood, he will never get to visit what he is sure is a lovely community.  Natty Bumppo and Rogers' Rangers are the only connection Frodo has ever made with a part of the world that only knows two seasons (Winter that is, and the Fourth of July).   Frodo does have total and complete admiration for the owners of the home-town franchise who offered Vick a one-year standard contract of $200 a week, plus $50 for every winning game.  The offer is, of course, contingent upon the fact that Michael Vick first contribute $100,000 to a local humane society.

Go Firebirds, beat. . .whoever!


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:20 PM EDT
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Monday, April 27, 2009
So Afraid of Dying That It Never Learns To Live
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: "Benny and the Jets"(5)

The Men of Gondor recently took a tour of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta.  Initially, Frodo was surprised that tours are even available, since he had never met anyone who had ever participated in one, and he was even more surprised to learn that there is a small museum, open to the public, including a gift shop.  It struck Frodo as a sign of our time that all of these public facilities are on the other side of a security check which is far more ornate than any airport this side of Kabul.  The tour was, in truth, kind of "lame," in that it mostly consisted of topical views of the campus, passages through conference facilities, and a whirlwind passage through the museum.  There were no glass-enclosed viewing areas of brilliant people mixing the contents of vial and beaker, and the tour guide was unable to tell Frodo if the "haz-mat suits" are destroyed or are somehow disinfected and used again. 

Frodo had recently completed Ken Follett's tour through the Middle Ages, and was very mindful of the impact of the Black Death, the greatest plague known to Man or Hobbit.  Topically, the current outbreak of the "Swine Flu" as a pandemic, has given even greater credence to the lessons learned, or ignored, by those susceptible to an ill-defined virus.  It seems that the "Church" had almost as many ill-educated demagogues in the 14th Century as it does today.  Perhaps, thinks Frodo, a little criticsm of those whose words are taken literally by millions is appropriate at this point.

During the time of the Black Death, the political influence of the clergy extended over the medical decisions made by practitioners and researchers.  Such things as simple breathing masks were often forbidden, simply because no precedent existed in the texts viewed as blessed.  In fact, many accepted treatments, such as bloodletting, were more damaging to the patient than if nothing at all had been done.  It can be truthfully argued that these insular thought patterns contributed immensely to the death toll throughout Western Europe.

In our experience, the current Pope, whom we shall call "Benny," has argued, as previously discussed, that such simple things as condoms serve little purpose simply because their use may conflict with the dogma of those respecting literal translations of anything.  Benny's influence, sadly, has been picked up by the curent leader of the African National Congress, who, in response to criticism of his multiple bastardizations, argued that he did not require a condom because he always showered completely after sex.  Ignorance, it appears, spreads even more virulently than do the organisms responsible for our lamentation, past and present.

Those who believe, such as the dedicated scientists and researchers of the CDC, that disease is something more than the "will of God," are often defined as "secularists."  Indeed, the label is extended by the presently limp philosophers of the Church to all of those who reject the literal instructions of the modern-day bloodletters.  It is helpful to Frodo that, once again, the Church has helped Frodo to define himself.  Again however, it is a reflection of the negative, as opposed to the potential influence that religion can have in one's life.

Frodo gives thanks everyday that there are people like those who serve all of humankind.  He also can't help but hope that Benny develops some sort of rash on his butt that keeps him from sitting too long on the throne.  Until that time, Frodo will continue to wear the button he picked up at the CDC gift shoppe, the one with a charicature of a polio cell with a diagonal red line slash across indicating its' total elimination, by the combined efforts of God and Man.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 3:36 AM EDT
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