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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
"Number One" (3)
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
The Tide Is High But I'm Holding On
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: "A Capitol Idea" (6)

Two forces are converging in the skies above our homeland at the very same time, thinks Frodo.  Government is responding to the will of those who bothered to vote during the off-year elections, and Business is developing new ways to increase profits.  Frodo has been smitten by one example from the private sector, and is today prepared to submit his own plan for the economic recovery of Middle Earth.  Let us begin with what is happening, right now.

The Just Born Candy Company of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, whose products include Peanut Chews, Peeps, Mike and Ike's, Teenie Beanie, and Hot Tamales, devised a plan to incentivize, both positively and negatively, their sales staff.  Management told the two dozen sales people that, if they met their cumulative sales goals for the fiscal year just ended, they would each receive a vacation in Hawaii.  On the other hand, they said, much to the bemusement of the sales staff, should the cumulative sales goals not be met, the sales staff would receive a vacation in the tundra of the Arctic.

Ha, ha, ho, ho, they thought.

The sales staff exceeded prior year accomplishments by 2%, unfortunately the goal was to exceed the prior year by 4%.

Goodbye Maui, Hello Fargo.

The 19-story Radisson Inn, the tallest building in Fargo, is tonight the vacation home of the the 24-person sales staff of the Just Born Candy Company of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.  Last evening, they attended the All-U-Can Eat Spaghetti Dinner held every Monday Night, at the VFW.  Today, they attempted to tour two local wineries, but their progress was hindered by the 2 and one-half feet of snow on the ground.  The temperature on Maui is currently 78 degrees.

Management announced to the sales staff this evening that next year's choices would be Maui, if they met the new goals, or, in the other event, in Rapid City, South Dakota.

Who says management isn't responsive to the needs of working people?

Frodo began this treatise talking about two forces at work, so he offers the potential, dear reader, to something similar to the newly-elected House of Representatives of the United States.  Should you guys and gals succeed at reducing the deficit, bringing an end to the War in Afghanistan, and returning our nation to full employment, then each of you will get to go to Hawaii in order to search for the birth certificate of President Obama.  On the other hand however, should you fail to reduce the deficit by even just a smidgen, or to reduce troop levels in our latest unnecessary foreign entanglement, or to put everybody that wants a job in a job, then you guys and gals, every last damn one of ya, gets two weeks in Wasilla (second prize is a full month), next December.

You had better start hoping this global-warming stuff is for real.

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:43 PM EST
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Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tomorrow There'll Be Snow In Minnesota
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: "Anchorman" (6)

Frodo has taken great liberties in his descriptions of various and assundry residents of American States like Georgia, South Carolina, Alabama, West Virginia, and of course the Mexican State of Texas.  That fact does not over emphasize the comparative nincompoopery of said locations, but Frodo readily admits that it is easy to overlook comparative stupidity in other locations when these make it so easy.  Let us tonight include Minnesota.

Minnesota, the land of lakes by the thousdands, or some such, was the home of Hubert Humphrey, the "Happy Warrior" who had the unfortunate fate of being the President in charge of Vice under Lyndon Johnson.  Humphrey, as some may recall and others will eventually learn, ran for President when Johnson decided that his old ticker wasn't up to it for another term.  Humphrey found himself as an opponent of the Vietnam War who was part of an Administration charged with carrying out the War to some sort of conclusion (see "Afghanistan," in Wikipedia).  Unable to establish himself on firm footing in anyone's mind, he lost the election to Richard Nixon (see "Tricky Dick," in Wikipedia).  To that point, Humphrey was the only person Frodo had ever met who had actually been to Minnesota, much less lived there.

Of course, Frodo got to be quite intimate with Mary Richards, Rhoda, Suellen, Lou (see "Mr. Grant," in Wikipedia), Ted, and Frodo's favorite, Carlton the Doorman, nearly every Saturday evening for any number of years.  Minnesota didn't look so bad if you had a girlfriend, with great legs, tossing her beret into the air every time you tuned her in, or turned yourself on. 

Since those days, Frodo has been familiarized with two other Minnesotans.  One, named Tim Pawlenty, looks like an accountant, or what Frodo has always imagined an accountant should look like.  The other, named Michelle Bachmann, sounds like the driver of one of those little Volkswagens that used to appear in the rings of Barnum & Bailey with 10 other passengers wearing floppy shoes and red noses.  Everyone else Frodo might associate with Minnesota is actually from someplace else (see "Brett Favre" in Wikipedia, but those under 18 should not be allowed to view the video portions thereof).

Everything that Frodo knows about Minnesota reflects incompetence.  They had this great big bridge on the only big road that seemed to carry any volume of motorcars to collapse a few years back.  A lot of cars actually fell into the water, which destroyed the myth that Minnesota has but two seasons, Winter and the Fourth of July.  Frodo never understood why Governor Pawlenty never just sort of walked under the bridge and took a look around some time when he didn't have a lot of governing to do  (see "most of the time" in Wikipedia)  That event has now been followed by the collapse of this here tarpaulin that they had stretched across the roof of their football stadium.  It seems that they had a whole mess of electric fans pointed skyward which were keeping the tarpaulin aloft from the field of play thereunder.  Frodo would've thought that a smart Congressperson would've asked the question about what might have happened to the roof (see "tarpaulin," in Wikipedia) if the power ever went out.

Even in West Virginia, somebody would've figured that one out.  Not so, in Minnesota (see "dumb shits," in Wikipedia). 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:28 PM EST
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Saturday, December 11, 2010
Got Myself a Cadillac, $30 Down
Mood:  smelly
Topic: "WMD in the Shire"(6)

In the area behind the Shire there is a wilderness fed by the flotsam of garden cuttings,  sedimentary subterranean discoveries, and cat litter (well, ya gotta put it someplace).  Vines, fallen seeds, and whatever may blow in from the west gather there, and a eastern deciduous barrier to the outside offers special protection to the gardens of the Shire.  Mr. Beau Neau McKitty patrols the fence as if he were Simba incarnate, and what lies beyond is his personal HDTV.  This past year, Frodo was hard pressed to manage that which fell beyond this fence, so it is far less attractive than in days past, or to come.   The impact has been a marked increase in the squirrel populace.

Frodo has, and is very successful with, a Hav-a-Hart trap with which, as he has explained before, he is able to relocate these tree rats to more appropriate surroundings (he particularly favors the football field of the High School of the Shire, from which mildly enraged squirrels take great sport in pursuing individual members of the marching band at practice).  Because Frodo did not perform at his traditional peak levels of performance in this endeavor, there are far too many squirrels in the Shire, and his bird feeders are the site of frequent acts of thievery.

Frodo knows that the nests of the squirrel are built to withstand the cold, as well as a nursing point for the soon-to-be-delivered seasonal progeny.  It would be cruel for Frodo to utilize the trap at this time of year.  Frodo has, in the past, also utilized slingshots, stones, and tennis balls, among other thrown objects, in order to disperse the vigilantes from the bird feeders.  Recently however, he came across a new weapon quite by accident, and he is utilizing it as his answer to chemical warfare.

The boomerang he found is an ancient tool, something that aborigines used for thousands of years in order to dominate an entire continent.  To Frodo however, it is a dangerous weapon.  He can't seem to guarantee that it will turn in the direction intended, or that it will return anywhere within the same county from which it was launched.  The squirrels seem amused, if not wary.

Today, with Fiona in tow, Frodo took a shot or two with the boomerang at the culprits beyond the fence.  While searching for his errant WMD, Frodo noted several young squirrels concentrated in a certain treetop high above a huge pile of leaves recently gathered there by the industrious Hobbit.  As Frodo neared their perceived safety zone, he noted the first leapt from a tree limb into the pile of leaves, soon followed by one after the other until all had soft landed into the remnants of maple, elm, hickory, and dogwood,  Then, and Frodo has no reason to exaggerate, the little buggers each climbed back up the same tree, and again leapt into the pile of leaves.

The little thieves were playing the same game that Frodo himself had played for decades.  They were having a blast, for they weren't yet wise enough to immediately give up the game and seek shelter. 

Frodo looked at Fiona, and Fiona looked at Frodo.  Fiona ran when Frodo grabbed a handful of leaves and prepared to pop her right in the kisser with them.  Then Fiona chased Frodo as he jumped feet-first into the pile of leaves.  The squirrels sat in their tree and barked at Frodo for interrupting their game. 

Eventually, Fiona and Frodo recouped the errant boomerang just outside the giant leafpile, and they headed back into the Shire.  There is a chill in the air now, and the eve calls for two fingers of beverage, and a good book.  Boomerang practice has been called for the morrow. 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 4:09 PM EST
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Sunday, December 5, 2010
You Don't Own Me
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: "Foreclosure Notice" (6)

Frodo, avocationally and as a businessman, always looking to make a buck, goes through a lot of information with nary a look askance.  Two pieces of real estate caught his attention this week however, and he fantasized about being the "new" owner.  The first is a multi-million dollar mansion on New York's Staten Island, a place that seems anathema to the warm-blooded Hobbit, for sure.

How would you, dear reader, feel about living in the house portrayed in the movie as the home of the Coreleone Family?  That's right boys and girls, for a paltry three million, you can begin your own expedition to uncover the remains of Abe Vigoda's character, Tessio.  See the very room where Marlon Brando received the pledge of loyalty from Luca Brazzi.  Thrill to the spirits of Michael, Tom, Fredo (no relation), and Sonny as they eat pizza and plan for revenge against the other Families.  Most of all, find yourself dancing among the tomato vines in the backyard, where the inimitable Don fell that tragic day.

If you act now, you might even also get a Popeil Pocket Fisherman.

The other piece of real estate is almost on the other side of our great nation, and it has been reduced in price almost $100,000 to $69,500 in fairly recent events.  The 1.4 acre estate has neither electricity nor plumbing, and the only dwelling is now on display in the Newseum as part of the Smithsonian in Washington.   The property is completely fenced, and a prominent display of the acronym "FBI" is observable to the causal passersby.

The "Unabomber" himself pounded on the keys of a typewriter at this location near Lincoln, Montana.  Perhaps giving proof to the old saying that if one were to place an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters together that, eventually, they would produce all of the great books of the world, Ted Kazincsky did his best to prove that not all madness is confined in the Republicant Party.  Sometimes there are people who are just plain crazy.

Imagine what you might surmise about anyone acquiring this as an investment?  Say, isn't that Newt over there?


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:07 PM EST
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Saturday, December 4, 2010
Only The Good Die Young
Mood:  irritated
Topic: "Doris Miller" (6)

67 years and a few days ago, Ships' Cook 3rd Class Doris Miller was a casualty realized upon the sinking of the escort carrier Liscome Bay in the area then known as the Gilbert Islands.  Since that day, the War has ended, the Gilberts became the Kiribati Republic, and Cuba Gooding, Jr. portrayed Miller in a movie entitled "Pearl Harbor."  Not much else has changed.

Despite the fact that "Dorie" Miller abandoned his battle station (carrying the dead below decks) on the USS West Virginia on December 7th, 1941, in order to replace the fallen who had manned a .50 cal. machine gun, upon which he had never been trained, he fired continuously at the enemy for a quarter hour until he was void of ammunition.  He was ordered to abandon ship at that point.  Miller was subsequently awarded the Navy Cross by Admiral Chester Nimitz, personally, who remarked that he was the "first of his race" to receive such recognition in the Pacific Fleet.

Well, duh!  Since the "Land of the free and the home of the brave" had not yet stumbled across the wisdom that the best fighters don't necessarily have to be white, Miller, and all those like him, were prevented from integrated service with their fellow citizens in defense of their country.  Not until September of 1945 did President Harry Truman assimilate the results of the "survey" conducted to adjudge the issue of "service by Negroes in the military" and ended segregation in their ranks.  It deserves special mention that, at that time, 63%, almost two out of every three people, favored a continuation of segregation in the military.

Sound familiar?

Frodo would share a foxhole with Doris Miller, but he doesn't wish to be on the same planet with John McCain.  Perhaps Joe Scarborough, of all people, said it best when, after viewing the comments of the Senator to Secretary Gates and Admiral Mullen, stated that "John McCain is now the old guy in the neighborhood who chases people off of his front lawn."  McCain was quick to point out that 60% of the active troops in the USMC were opposed to ending "don't ask, don't tell." 

60%?  Do tell.  Almost two out of every three.

Perhaps, thinks Frodo, another Admiral will soon place a Navy Cross on the chest of another young sailor, recognizing that person as another heroic first.   Frodo wonders what John McCain would do if he found out that sailor was also the offspring of an illegal alien?  Frodo supposes that those who graded McCain as merely fourth from the bottom of his class at Annapolis were pretty good judges of character and aptitude.

Finally, Frodo notes that Doris Miller was born in 1919 in a place in Texas, called Waco.  It merely proves the adage that if enough people are born in a specific place, any place, then, eventually, at least one of them will turn out to be worth a damn.   


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 1:40 PM EST
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Wednesday, December 1, 2010
He's The King Of Them All, Y'all
Mood:  hug me
Topic: "Mikileaks" (6)

Changes in life occur like turning on a dime, so says Frodo.  He believes that the games we play are but a microcosm of the lives we lead, and that disappointment, fumbles, and plain bad calls take place without notice.  None of us are immune, and that includes the Hobbits and Mick, the Wonder Dog, among all the other residents of the Shire.

Mick, the Wonder Dog, did not bark at all between Sunday and Tuesday.  It became obvious on Sunday evening that we had a "Houston" problem, and that the threat probability was greater than our immediate capacity to cure the cause.  It started when he laid down next to Frodo and looked up with confused and worried eyes.  He wandered in to be with Sam, and stood in the middle of the room, unable to comprehend what was happening, nor to communicate with anyone.  As the evening wore on, and his ambulatory capacity decreased rapidly, the Hobbits feared that the end was very near.

Frodo sat on the floor, holding his little brother, and stroking his fur even while his own legs cramped underneath.  Frodo carried him outside to assist in normal relief, and then up to the bedroom to hold and comfort the Wonder Dog, so that no journey would commence, alone.  There was little sleep that evening for the Hobbits, and tears cascaded unimpeded from both sides of the bed.

Long-time companion Fiona had sensed the danger first, having spent much of the early evening bathing the forehead, treating the affliction in the only way she knew how.  She laid by the bed, on the floor, watching, throughout the night.  Mick, the Wonder Dog, struggled on the blankets, getting too warm on one side, and requiring assistance in order to turn his arthritic bones and regulate his body temperature.  At last he got the message to Frodo that he, too, wanted down on the floor, trying to get things to some level of normalcy.  Frodo kept his fingers moving, all night long, on the neck of his little brother, fearing that he may never again have the opportunity.

He was there in the morn, when Frodo had to prepare for appointments on Mount Doom.  Frodo took him out, and watched over him as he tried to evacuate, like normal.  Sam prepared a special breakfast, which he ate, ravenously, like normal.  He was still weak, hardly able to walk, but his fearful eyes met Frodo's on several occasions, telling him that they were both very frightened.  Doctor Porsches is off on Monday and Tuesday, so the Hobbits decided that Sam would monitor throughout the day, and that a trip to an unfamiliar veterinarian while being held in lonesome observation wouild be the worst thing they could do for a member of their little family.  Sam called every hour or so to let Frodo know what he needed to know.

When Frodo pulled into the garage in his motorcar on Monday evening, the Wonder Dog paced swiftly to him and placed his ample nose into the crotch of the Hobbit.  It was as if, and probably it was that the two cried together.  Sam followed quickly behind telling Frodo that Mick, the Wonder Dog, lay by the front door, like normal, waiting for Frodo, and that once he saw Frodo's motorcar, he cried, and ambled out on his own.

That evening and into the night, the Wonder Dog tried, more and more it seemed, to begin returning things to normal.  He remained weak, but he ate, as if there were to be no tomorrow.  He bedded where he always bedded, and his habits began to return to the schedule which had guided his entire existence.

Most unusual of all was the behavior of Sydney, the cockatiel, who remains high above the fray on the floor of the Shire due to the presence of Beau Neau.  Sydney has alternated between screams from above his cage to walkabouts on the floor next to his big friend (who often chases Beau Neau).  Sydney has not visited the floor, other than to occasionally drink out of a dog bowl, in many years.  To do so now documents his awareness and the perceived need for him to offer whatever assistance or comfort available.  The presence of the cat was immaterial.

It is Wednesday evening now, and with every passing moment, life in the Shire more closely resembles what things were like before they turned on a dime.  Oh kisses last longer now, and Frodo doubts that he will ever take even a moment with his little brother for granted again.  He does not even mind an outburst of barking at the "invisible rabbits" who venture too close to the front door of the Shire, like normal.

It will be nice to sleep a full night, knowing, like normal. 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:23 PM EST
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Saturday, November 27, 2010
Our House Is A Very, Very, Very Fine House
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: "Ides of Texas" (6)

When things go poorly in Texas, Frodo finds reason to celebrate.  The Texas Rangers choked in the World Series, against Nancy Pelosi's San Francisco Giants.  The Dallas Cowboys are in last place in the NFC East, and they have yet to play either of the two scheduled games with Michael Vick and the Philadelphia Eagles (with God's help, the Cowboys may actually have the worst record in all of professional football this season).  The University of Texas Shorthorns lost to Texas A&M, and almost everybody else they played this season.  Now, however, comes the best news of all, the seemingly resilient money-laundering activities of former Congressman Tom DeLay have yielded a guilty verdict and a sentencing possibility which could put the star-dancing exterminator in prison for the rest of his life.  Frodo would pay real money to see what the future holds in prison for an alumnus from "Dancing With the Stars."

Now, if only Dick Armey and Bill Archer could get their just desserts. 

Imagine, dear reader, a row of cells at a Federal Prison facility (not on an outsourcing contract) with Archer, Armey, and Delay, followed by the seceding Governor, Rick Perry.  Joe Barton, the BP apologist and soon-to-be milkman to special interests in the energy activities of the House of Representatives, would hold down a suite of cells for all his cohorts.  Willy Gomert, the halfwit clown scraped off the bottom of a cow hoof somewhere near Whacko (that is how you pronounce Waco, isn't it?), would be the trusty responsible for doling out gruel to the other prisoners.  What a wonderful mental picture of possibilities.

The skies above the Shire are sapphire-blue, and the last flights of sandhill cranes honk their route to the swamplands of southern Georgia.  The detritus of the last growing season has mostly fallen, and gathered where visitors to the Shire can huddle for warmth throughout the deep frosts to come.  Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog, lay in sun patches as they follow the Hobbit from task-to-task.  Sam, dressed in the finest of fashion, toodles about in Frodo's motorcar, in search of holiday treasures and treats for Shiremates.  Football games from throughout the land are near, and the black-and-white is tuned to those of greatest interest to the Hobbit.

This is one of those days that should never end.  Perfect it would be if there is news to come of thunderstorms and tornados in Texas.  


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:06 PM EST
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Tuesday, November 23, 2010
When The Moon Is In The Seventh House And Jupiter Aligns With Mars,
Mood:  hug me
Topic: "Next Case" (6)

"Then Peace Will Guide The Planets And Love Will Fill The Stars..."

Frodo was slightly irritated that his appointment in Probate Court was the victim of mass scheduling.  He was there at 9:30, as he had been directed, but so were others, and that meant, if experience is any kind of guide, that good ole Mr. Frodo would be called last.

Oh well, thought Frodo, it appears that all of the persons associated in the front of the courtroom were part of the same case.  "Perhaps," said he to himself, "it is an opportunity to prepare opening remarks."  His mood changed however, and he decided to pay attention to what was taking place before his eyes.

The young girl was damaged beyond repair, and her grandparents were beseeching the Court to appoint them as Guardians.  The father, according to testimony, had never seen the teenaged product of his manufacture, and the mother (offspring of the appellants) was purportedly trying desperately to support herself, and had neither the resources nor the talent to raise a developmentally-challenged child.

The grandmother spoke forthrightly, and convincingly.  The attorney supported the plea, and the judge asked the grandfather if he wished to add to the testimony.  He deferrred to his wife, and he ran his fingers through the carefully combed hair of the girl at whom he smiled.  Frodo saw a lifetime of hard work gently absorbing another challenge as if it were something much more than simple responsibility.  There was a goodness to those eyes, and Frodo couldn't help but hope that young girl understood.

The judge was wise, and the decision was right.  Then, the subject of the hearing felt compelled to loudly express her concern about leaving the courtroom.  Gently, oh so gently, the new guardians sought to ease the concern and guide their charge peacefully away.  Apologies were expressed, but shushed away by authority, and everyone was allowed to take their time.  As the grandfather passed by Frodo, he received a thumbs up, and a victory smile.  The smile was returned, and the eyes spoke for themselves. 

"It Is The Dawning of The Age of Aquarius. . ."

 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:04 PM EST
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Monday, November 22, 2010
I've Bought My Ticket With My Tears
Mood:  sad
Topic: "8.8 Pounds"(6)

Frodo's father was like a lot of fathers-to-be, then and now.  He had to bring things home.  Why he did is something that Frodo grapples with from time-to-time; did he see the items as potentially valuable or were they rememberances of the experience?  Perhaps the answer lies in the boxes and albums filled with photographs in Frodo's own closets of the Shire?  Perhaps not.

Frodo was told that it was an "Italian Army Rifle," and that it was used by paratroopers, which explained its relatively small size and light weight, only 8.8 pounds in all.  It was liberated from a warehouse, where it lay amongst hundreds of identical mates, long after the Italians had surrendered.  Frodo never attempted to fire the gun, but for some inexplicable reason he had cleaned and greased the weapon many times and, even today, it almost looks as shiny as the day it was first issued for assignment to one, now, long unknown.

Frodo often wondered if it was valuable, and he occasionally brought it out for a visitor to identify or comment upon.  He learned about the ammunition, but little else, until Taylor, he who wed the sister of Sam, took a close look and asked Frodo if he had ever held history before.  Frodo was speechless and unknowing, as he was told that the most famous mate of this very rifle had been sold, by mail order, for less than $13, and had been discovered lying on the floor of a building known as the Texas School Book Depository on a tragic November day in 1963.

Frodo's gun has the original bayonet.  The historical mate has a separate scope through which Lee Harvey Oswald sighted his target.  Frodo, again and again, has tested, and proven, that the rifle could be accurately fired three times within five seconds. 

It is not difficult to use the communication miracles at our disposal to pull up a picture, and to read the history of those who built the company that supplied the rifle that fired the bullets that killed a President.  Frodo's father never knew the coincidental facts of the mate to the gun he brought home for a son yet to be borne.  Frodo thinks often of how much life may have changed had Frodo's father brought home two rifles.  Perhaps not.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:26 PM EST
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Sunday, November 21, 2010
I Can't Blame You For Trying, I'm Trying To Make It Too
Mood:  sharp
Topic: "Small Businesses-Ha!"(6)

Frodo has been playing a little mind game with himself, nothing sensual, but certainly timely.  You can play too, boys and girls, right here in the neighborhood.  All you have to do to start is to make a list of people, half a dozen or so would be fine, all of whom you are sure make more than $250,000 annually.  Then, you need to determine how many of them meet the definition of a "small businessperson," and who have American citizens in their employ.  That's right, what we're doing is testing the Republicant litany that these are the people who would suffer if the "Bush Tax Cuts" were not extended.  The premise being that these "small business persons" would have to reduce job growth thus accentuating the decline in our economy.

Frodo 's list is not giving much credence to the minions of Mitch the Marauder.  Frodo has identified Lindsay Lohan, Brittany Spears, Rush Limbaugh, Randy Moss, John Smoltz, and John McCain as people he can identify who earn more than $250,000 annually.  Unfortunately, Frodo is unable to identify the "small businesses" that any of them sponsor.  Hmmm, in these cases, it simply seems that the withholding on their "performances" would be increased, and that there would be no discernible impact on employment.  Rather, it seems that many of these people would be contributiung a bit more to reduce the cumulative national debt.

Perhaps, dear reader, it might actually be more helpful to our government if we all simply built a list like Frodo has done, and submit it to the Director of the Office of Management and Budget, Washington, DC.  After all, it might allow the government to plan better if they recognized that there are a lot of peoiple out there who could pay a whole lot more, and that the argument about hurting "small businesses" is specious, at best.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:05 PM EST
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