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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
"Number One" (3)
"Number Please?"(7)
"Number, Please"(8)
"Numbers Don't Lie" (3)
"Numbers Racket" (4)
"Obama Doctrine" (5)
"Obama's Generals"(5)
"October Dreamin'" (4)
"Ode to an Athlete (2)"
"Ogal Preston Crews (2)"
"Oh Kenny Boy (2)"
"Oh the possibilities"(8)
"Oh Ye White Whale" (3)
"Oh, Sadaharu" (2)
"OK Baptist Chorale" (4)
"Old McDonnell's Farm"(7)
"Old Time Baseball"(9)
"Old Times Topic" (6)
"Olympic Changes" (4)
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
The H Word" (6)
Citizens of Middle Earth
The Fellowship of the Ring
The Return of the King
Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Monday, October 19, 2009
Hey Baby, I Wanna Know, Will You Be My Girl
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: "Balance of Payments"(5)

Nine years ago this very month Frodo and Sam were traveling the Romantic Road.  Included in this festive "fahrt" (which is the German word for "trip") was an excursion into Oktoberfest in Munich.  With several Mardi Gras' under their belts, this would leave the Hobbits with only "Carnival" in Rio to ensure their attendance at each of the greatest parties in all the world (and make the planned Olympiad in Brazil even more potentially exciting).  Unfortunately for the Hobbits, it appeared that Oktoberfest would be a wash-out, since it had been raining for a day or two before their arrival and it was raining to beat the band as they entered the fairgrounds in Munich.

What the Hobbits didn't know was that there were dozens of warehouse-like buildings, each sponsored by a different maker of beverages, and the real party was inside each and every one of these structures.  By chance, the Hobbits, with traveling companions behind, wandered door-to-door until they found one with enough free space to admit them, and they were welcomed under the banner which read "Lowenbrau."  Inside, more than 5,000 young people, from all over the world, were squished together like sardines, as they drank from huge mugs of beer, and individually marveled at the goings-on about them.  In the middle of the building stood a stage, and Frodo pointed Sam in that direction as musicians gathered in order to commence a performance which Frodo rationally assumed was going to be a whole lot of "oompahpahing."  Boy, was Frodo ever wrong on this one.

Within seconds the Hobbits recognized the tune to one of the classic soul songs of all time, and as they began to sing they were accompanied by the whole crowd, in English, singing "Hey Baby, I Wanna Know-Oh, If You'll Be My Girl."  Not a single oom-pah was heard that entire night, and Frodo became convinced that world peace was at hand.

One year later the War in Afghanistan was underway.  Unfortunately, the Hobbit had neglected to observe any Islamic Jihadists amongst the crowd in Munich that night.  Oh well, Frodo supposes, they probably wouldn't have known the words anyway.

In keeping with his predisposition to pass along a few partisan facoids with his personal narratives, Frodo notes, dear reader, that in October of 1990, before the horror that was the incompetent Administration of the Incomparable Moron, one could purchase $1 worth of goods and services in Europe for exactly 85 cents, American.  Today, had Frodo and Sam repeated their journey, the rate of exchange would be a bit different.  The same $1 worth of goods and services, today, would cost the Hobbits $1.36, American. 

The math behind this simple statistic carries the entire future of the civilized world.  Suddenly, Frodo does not feel like singing.  If things fail to change and the decline in the value of the dollar continues as it has over the past nine years, there will be no young people from all over the world drinking beer and singing in Munich.  And that will not be the only change to affect us all, every one. 




Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:30 PM EDT
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Friday, October 16, 2009
Everybody Plays The Fool, Sometime
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: "Dr. Phil" (5)

In pubescent days, the "put down" (or PD) was something one avoided, as if it were a weapon of libido destruction, or, alternatively, one used it in order to determine social dominance.  Many times did the Hobbit feel the sting of rebuke from well-rounded sex kittens, and for countless hours thereafter the echo would rebound off the unmerciful lips of his traveling companions.  Frodo learned at an early age that he was gifted in his ability to transfer the social nuance into the argumentative, but the mature application thereof has been a constant challenge.  Frodo was reminded this evening of one particular incident that demonstratively illustrates the effective use thereof.

Rep. Phillip Gingrey (R-GA) is an OB-GYN medical practitioner who represents the 11th Congressional District.  Gingrey, who has delivered more than 5200 babies, has worked his way up into the seat once held by Newt Gingrich, after several terms in the Georgia State House of Representatives.  Gingrey appears on the black-and-white as an avowed opponent of anything detracting from the "best healthcare system in the world."  His demeanor has evolved from the literate into the homespun, and he believes firmly that he represents the majority populace in his district.  Frodo's assessment of style and presentation is based on personal experience.

Several years ago, in Georgia, there was a great debate about the State Flag.  Whether or not any rememberance of the treasonous period, when Georgia decided that it no longer wanted to be part of the United States of America and went to War to prove it, was to be included on the State Flag was at issue.  Frodo knew that the pending Olympics to be held in Atlanta were a boon to business opportunity, and that the potential for good growth was at hand for the local community.  Many disagreed with Frodo, and tried their best to make sure that symbols which were hurtful to many people were to be a part of that flag.  Frodo decided that he had to make sure that his designated representative should be alerted to Frodo's opinion.  That turned out to be this guy Gingrey, then unknown to Frodo.

Frodo found him to be eager and helpful, and he indicated a clear understanding of the importance that the issue held for local businessmen, like Frodo.  Despite that, Gingrey indicated to Frodo that he intended to vote to include the offensive symbolism on the State Flag.  He said to Frodo that although he personally agreed with Frodo, that "a majority of my district believes I should vote otherwise."  Frodo was stunned.

Frodo appealed to Gingrey's reason.  He said, "Mr. Gingrey, as a Republicant (sic), you know that Abraham Lincoln was the Father of the GOP.  Lincoln stood against those who wanted to 'punish the South' for the conduct of the Civil War.  It is undoubtedly true that nearly all of those on the victorious side urged him to act accordingly.  You know also that Lincoln acted in the best interests of his country, regardless of what the majority recommended.  Now here you stand, with the same sort of decision, and you take action exactly 180 degrees opposite of that taken by what was surely our greatest President."

"Can't you vote your conscience?"

Gingrey attempted to appease Frodo, but he could not comprehend the disgust Frodo felt for someone who placed political expediency above an issue of right-vs-wrong.

Before they parted, Frodo turned back to Gingrey and said, "Mr. Gingrey, I believe I know Abraham Lincoln, and I believe that Abraham Lincoln would have been a friend of mine.  I can tell you Mr. Gingrey, you are no Abraham Lincoln."

With apologies to former Senator Lloyd Bentsen (D-TX), who would also have recognized that Gingrey was, is, and will probably always be a political hack.  Frodo wishes he'd have stayed in his day job, full-time. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:18 PM EDT
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Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Her Hair Is Kind Of Wild And Free
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: "Southern Ladies" (5)

Joe Willie Namath in an interview for PLAYBOY was once asked for his feminine preferences.  He answered "Southern girls," thereby ensuring the undying enmity of the Beach Boys and Farrah Fawcett ("See Joe Namath get creamed").  Frodo, on the other hand, has always been entranced by feminine warriors, and Rheta Grimsley Johnson is very high on his wish list.

Frodo first encountered her words in the ATLANTA JOURNAL-CONSTITUTION when he found himself reading everything she wrote.  He grew personally empathic with her tales of a young marriage on St. Simons Island that fostered through the struggles of the first years together, then collapsed as success took the partners further apart.  Her return to the city too busy to hate, and her continuing presence on the newspaper built by Ralph McGill only whetted her appetite for the life she really desired.  Eventually, she bought a cabin in the woods of Mississippi and started walking trails that had always been there, if only to wait for the prodigal to return.  Words would follow.

Frodo remembers most a column she wrote about a young naturalist who had been stricken with terminal cancer.  She captured his words and his gentle nature as he took every possible remaining moment and hiked along muddy streams and quiet forests.  In such great pain that he was often unable to put one foot in front of another, he would stop long enough to admire one more flower.  Frodo never knew the boy, but he cried that day, and later on when the young man's spirit carried him on to a high road.

It was a pleasant moment when Frodo noted the name of Rheta Grimsley Johnson in the Opinion Section of today's AJC.  Entitled "Nobel Critics Are Far From Noble," she wrote ". . . Maybe there is at least some hope for world peace now that the United States of America has managed to elect a president with an IQ larger than his hat size who is willing to engage in open-minded discussion before rattling sabers, a man who will work with the United Nations instead of undermining it, a fellow whose eloquence and idealism could be used to work for good . . . Perhaps the Nobel Prize people were saying that this is the time and the opportunity and personality to aim for a better way in a nuclear age.  And if that's not what a Peace Prize is all about, it ought to be."

Frodo has some very impressive friends in Mississippi (nearly all of whom, strangely enough, happen to be women), and many of them follow his words.  He asks that if any of them should be out, mint julep in hand, taking in the final blossoms on this year's magnolia, and they happen upon the talented Ms. Grimsley Johnson, please ask her to sit a spell, and let her know that she has a fan who just happens to be a Hobbit.

In the future, Frodo will chronicle his on-going admiration for Cynthia Tucker, from the hometown of Harper Lee (and the location of the only monument ever dedicated to the boll weevil). 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:56 PM EDT
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Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I Wonder Who, Who Wrote The Book Of Love
Mood:  chatty
Topic: "Frodo's Book Club"(5)

Alfred Hitchcock used to begin his television stories with a visual teaser.  Coupled with Hitchcock's surreptitious presence for a passing cameo in every show, Frodo often found himself concentrating on the subtle as opposed to the substance.  In a way, the Hobbit does much the same.

The Men of Gondor come together on the second Friday of every month.  The concept began with an entrepreneur who noticed that a lot of men devoted more and more of their time to work, family, church, more work, more family, and more church.  The things that guys shared, in the locker room for example, disappeared from their lives with age and responsibility.  What this gentleman devised was a business whereby he would gather groups of men together, and set them on a course of meetings and activities.  He charged them each a fee at the first meeting, set the organizational ground rules, then he disappeared in favor of finding another grouping.

The activities generally began with discussions about life experiences and interests.  Over time the meetings became field trips to museums, homeless shelters, wastewater treatment plants, or whitewater rafting, horseback riding, or an occasional afternoon hike.  Nearly all of the groups would dissolve after two or three years, but not so the Men of Gondor.  There have been instances when things almost came unglued however, and Frodo was deeply involved in the most serious.

Frodo once promised himself that he would read at least one book by everybody.  This was not the brightest of the goals he ever set for himself.  It not only required him to go back and track down Victor Hugo (Frodo argued that having seen "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" on the black-and-white was enough), but it meant that he could not read six or seven books by a particularly prolific author that he happened to like a whole lot.  Frodo suggested to the Men of Gondor that having one meeting a year dedicated to reading a book in common would be both a mental exercise, and a good way to politely argue over something less volatile than abortion rights or gun control.  One, now former, member took particular exception to Frodo's suggestion, and it became clear that one, or both, would have to go in a different direction.

One book reading turned out to be enough.  This past week however, something happened that rekindled the spirits of all the Men of Gondor, even moreso than the annual bell-ringing for the Salvation Army at Christmas.  While lunching before touring the Carter Center, and actually seeing a Nobel Peace Prize, the discussion came to travel, and neat places visited.  Frodo got around to one of his favorites, "Travels with Charly," the delightful tale by John Steinbeck about his drive encircling the United States with a blue-dog poodle, who went "Pffft" rather than "Bark."  The places, and the times they had, caught the boy in all the Men of Gondor.

Before lunch ended, and before the tour commenced, they agreed to read the John Grisham book, "Playing for Pizza."  The story of a former college football star, whose NFL career was jeopardized by extracurricular activities, and who found himself in a small-town club footbal league in Italy.  Unable to drive a stick-shift for example, learning to parallel park all over again was almost as funny as the offensive lineman who was actually a mob enforcer.  Small crowds, who understood very little about the game of American football, and ever-present "groupies" added immensely to the adventures of the protagonist.

Sometimes old dogs just need to talk about how they got to be old dogs.



Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:55 PM EDT
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Friday, October 9, 2009
The Things We Do For Love
Mood:  irritated
Topic: "Bo's Birthday"(5)

Frodo had every intention of spending a few moments tonight lampooning the performance of Somali pirates who mistakenly assaulted a French warship ("Mr. Christian, Mr. Christian. . ."), or he was going to munch on a chewie in honor of that Australian Water Dog (whatever?) residing  at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue whose first birthday was today.  But NO, for here comes Lisa, the Howler Monkey, and her secret lover, Michael Steele, Nimrod of the Republicants, leading some sort of defense of the sanctity of Jimmy Carter's Nobel Prize.  Frodo almost corresponded directly with these simians in order to get some definition of their mental masturbation, but concluded that he had neither the patience nor the inclination to draw himself away from the ALDS game starting in a few moments (that's baseball acronym jargon which would take far too long to explain to either the uninitiated or to Lisa, the Howler Monkey).

Recent readers of Frodo's digital creations will note Frodo's commentaries on the Presidential performance of Barack Obama at the United Nations.  Frodo told all that they were present at the birth of the "Obama Doctrine," and that multilateral action would replace the unilateral scuffles which have seemingly brought all of Middle Earth to the brink of Mount Doom.  Given the very ground rules of the Noble Commission, which recognize the actions of those who bring contributions to all who inhabit our small, blue planet, how could any rational being object to a nomination in behalf of one who orchestrated an international ass-kicking of Iran and its imbecilic government?  

This is the same guy that, personally, accumulated a 15-0 vote of the Security Council to bring a halt to nuclear weapons proliferation.  When, Frodo asks, has there last been a vote of 15-0 by the Security Council on anything, including deciding on what time to break for lunch?  Who, Frodo asks, in their right mind, could legitimately argue that he hasn't done anything?  Need Frodo go further in order to expand upon his disdain for Lisa, the Howler Monkey, and her gang of refugees from Animal Farm (that's a book Lisa, you know one of those things with binding and words inside).

Barack Hussein Obama, President of the United States of America, is bringing the world together to deal with the issues of our time, and that, in and of itself, is a damn good reason for him to get a pretty keen award, and $1.4 Million to donate to charity.  It is what the Noble Peace Prize is all about.  You da man. 

Before Frodo seeks solace in the vestiges of Abner Doubleday, he felt it important to note that it is true that Obama was nominated for the award within 11 days of his Inauguration.  What we don't know is who nominated him.  Nominations can come from literally hundreds of individuals around the world, and the nominating process does not end on the date the nomination is received.  Those who voted the award to President Obama, in Frodo's opinion, did a good job.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:37 PM EDT
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Wednesday, October 7, 2009
There's A Kind Of Hush All Over The World
Mood:  special
Topic: "Proud Walter" (5)

If there were truly an award known as an "Attaboy," Frodo would be pleased to stand at the podium of choice and award one to Ms. Katie Courick and the staff of the CBS EVENING NEWS.  The network used the entire broadcast of the evening news on both Monday and Tuesday, as well as nearly all of Wednesday, to analyze and explain the situational War in Afghanistan as it commences its ninth year.  That's right sports fans, the entire show was dedicated to one single, complex, story, and there was no mention of David Letterman, Tea Parties, or Max Baucus.  Frodo and Sam were riveted, in much the same way as they were a lifetime ago when Walter Cronkite held the public trust.

The appropriate web location of the CBS EVENING NEWS allows everyone to access the broadcast, and to draw their own conclusions from the brilliantly assembled presentation.  Frodo recommends that everyone who loves this country, and who wants to hear factual, professional reporting take advantage of the opportunity.

Frodo has cast many stones at Ms. Courick.  He felt that her appointment to the anchor chair was a debacle, and he laughed out loud as she sprawled all over the set in order to offer a more relaxed atmosphere to the serious news of the day.  She gained a measure of his respect by her dogged pursuit of the true Sarah Palin, but it has been in the days since the 2008 Election that she has blossomed, if you will, into "simply the best, better than all the rest."

Dear reader knows that Frodo is deeply concerned by the status of the Afghan War.  The in-depth strategic discussions by the Obama "War Council" are a necessary step in safe passage on the road that takes us out of that place.  Knowing the facts, and appreciating the depth of the dilemma, is something that we, as a nation, have not experienced for a long, long time.

Thank you Ms. Courick.  Attaboy! 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:55 PM EDT
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Sunday, October 4, 2009
And If That Mockingbird Won't Sing, He's Gonna Buy Me a Diamond Ring
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: "Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)

The telephone rang during dinner-time, making the caller almost as welcome as a flatulent crewman on a submarine.  When Sam played the recorder back some hours later, the message conveyed a communication from "The Power Company" via the conveniently dubbed "Robo Call."   The very helpful voice thus embedded in the technological firewalls at the Shire explained that a service disruption would commence at 11:30 PM on the First of October, and continue until 5:30 AM on the Second.  Further, the message explained, it was necessary because the Transformer serving the local area needed repairs.  Now Frodo is well-aware that all the cables servicing the Shire and its environs are underground, but he also knew that frequent power outages were due to lightning strikes upon said Transformer.  In truth, said Transformer seems to attract nature's assaults, and Frodo was thus pleased that the "Power Company" was taking such initiative.  Perhaps Government is not "the problem," but is actually sometimes pretty darn efficient.

The day before the service outage was to occur, Sam happened to be discussing the matter with a few of the neighbors, including Tom Bombadil.  Surprisingly, none of the neighbors were aware of the scheduled power outage.  Sam gave each of them the details, and then proceeded to prepare the candles and flashlights which would guide the inhabitants of the Shire back-and-forth to the facilities during periods of unquenchable darkness.

The morning after, both Sam & Frodo noted that there had been no apparent power outage at all (mainly because all of the accursed flashing digital clocks in the Shire continued to operate without signaling such an occurrence).  Tom Bombadil stopped by and spoke with Sam, after Frodo had departed for Mount Doom, inquiring about the absence of any power outage in his abode.  When Sam pled ignorance, Tom wandered off, in a muttering huff.

That afternoon, Frodo & Sam took Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog, in the motorcar in order to weekend at Lake Lovey.  Upon their arrival, Frodo noted a sign at the gate, reminding residents of the planned power outage, which had indeed taken place the previous morning.  Frodo & Sam laughed over the fact that the "Robo Call" had come to their residence at the Shire, warning of the power outage which was actually at Lake Lovey.  Frodo promised he would seek out Tom Bombadil upon returning to the Shire, and laugh with him over the unfortuante FUBAR.

Tom wasted little time when he noted the return of Frodo's motorcar to the Shire.  Before Frodo could get a word in edgewise, Tom began a recitation about his telephone call to the "Power Company," and his subsequent cold blast thrown to the management of the local utility.  In fact, reported Tom, the flustered supervisors, initially denying that any such plan even existed, were so embarrassed by Tom's assertions of insensitive incompetence that they agreed to rectify the situation and to oversee such action on the Transformer this coming Thursday. 

Frodo was somewhat surprised.  He also decided not to add any additional confusion to the file.

As he thought about it later, Frodo internally justified his silence by pointing out that certainly some sort of technological update had been planned for the Transformer, and all that took place because of Tom's complaint was a hastening of the work schedule.  It does however, offer counsel to those who complain about dealing with bureaucracy.  It shows that all you have to do is catch them off-guard.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:12 PM EDT
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Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I Got Every Reason On Earth To Be Mad
Mood:  on fire
Topic: "Poland Parole Patrol"(5)

Nineteen years ago, when he was 15 years old, and living in the State of Florida, William Hawkins had sex with a 12 year-old girl.  He served two years of house arrest, and 10 years on probation.  After relocating to Cobb County, Georgia, Hawkins learned that he was required to register with the County as a Sex Offender.  Failure to do so in a timely manner resulted in a full year in jail.  During that period of time, his wife of five years had relocated to Virginia.  When he was released from jail, he was again placed on probation, and informed that the terms of his probation required him to remain in Cobb County.  William Hawkins officially became homeless.

In Georgia, it is against the law for any "Registered Sex Offender" to live, work, or loiter within 1,000 feet of schools, churches, child care facilities and other areas where children gather.  Upon his release from jail, his Probation Officer handed him a piece of paper with the address of an office park in Cobb County and told him that a congregation of homeless sex offenders were encamped in the woods nearby.  It is, arguably, the only location in the entire County that meets the requirements of the State Law.  The land is the property of the Georgia Department of Transportation.  Mr. Hawkins purchased a tent, and moved in, desperate to meet the continuing terms of his probation.

Mark McKinnon, a "spokesman" for the Georgia DOT, today announced that the homeless sex offenders must vacate the premises by Tuesday.  McKinnon stated, "We don't want to allow anyone to live on our property for liability issues."  Mr. Hawkins has no place to go that will keep him from technically violating the terms of his probation.

Roman Polanski, at age 43, took advantage of, and raped, a 13 year-old girl, 31 years ago.  After pleading guilty to having sex with a minor, he fled the United States in 1978, and continued his career from his residence in France.  During the trial, it was substantiated that Polanski persuaded the child to take off her clothes with a ruse about a photo shoot for a magazine.  Plying her with champagne, he then sodomized her, among other acts.  The child told the police that she had told him to stop, but she did not forcibly resist because she was afraid of Polaanski.

The prosecutors in the Polanski Trial agreed to a plea bargain that would have kept Polanski in jail for 42 days.  Polanski failed to appear for sentencing because he was afraid that the Judge might not honor that agreement, and so he fled the country.  He was recently arrested by Swiss authorities, and is presently fighting extradition.  A plethora of "enlightened artists", including Debra Winger, have argued on behalf of Polanski.

Frodo argues for William Hawkins. 

Frodo respectfully suggests that Roman Polanski be brought to Cobb County, Georgia, for adjudication.  He might want to bring a tent, and a map.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:15 PM EDT
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Sunday, September 27, 2009
The World Is Black, The World Is White
Mood:  sharp
Topic: "Obama Doctrine" (5)

Frodo remembers the unease upon the countenance of the Governor of Alaska as she attempted to respond to Charlie Gibson of ABC News.  She had absolutely no idea what the "Bush Doctrine" was, and it was unlikely that very many of the tuned-in viewers could have handled the question flawlessly.  What bothered Frodo was that the reaction would have been identical had Gibson referred to the "Monroe Doctrine."  It is a rare moment, indeed, when many Americans can discuss strategy, much less spell it, or pronounce it correctly.

On Saturday, September 26, 2009, President Barack Obama coupled the words which follow.

"My administration has renewed American leadership, and pursued a new era of engagement in which we call upon all nations to live up to their responsibilities. . .We achieved. . . a new commitment to meet common challenges, and real progress in advancing America's national security and economic prosperity."

The "Obama Doctrine," so dubbed by Frodo, is an affirmation of joint responsibility and obligation by the civilized nations of the world in order to cope with unstable governments or unsophisticated leadership.  There is a general recognition that threats may arise from a variety of sources, and that a united response is both diplomatically and militarily desirable.  Unilateral action by any nation, weak or strong, lessens the possibility for peaceful resolution of situations with increasing potential impact on all the peoples of the world.

Briefly, the President indicated his resolve to work with other powerful nations of the world, rather than to act unilaterally, by stopping the implementation of a missile defense shield in Eastern Europe.  The Russians responded by casting a vote, rather than a characteristic Soviet Era veto, with the entire Security Council of the United Nations, making the vote 15-0, in advocating an end to nuclear weapons proliferation.  The Chinese joined in support of the proposal initiated by the current Chair of the Security Council, The United States of America.  Noteworthy was the fact that Barack Obama, personally, chaired the meeting.

The United States followed this action with a public announcement of the existence of a nuclear facility in Iran, which the Iranian President had neglected to mention, and averred that this was a serious flaunting of the agreements for inspection by all signatories to the UN Charter.  The Iranians, in anticipation of this announcement attempted to comply both verbally, and in writing.  The President of the United States, joined at the podium by the Prime Minister of Great Britain, and the President of France, threatened the Iranian Government with consequences that were openly supported by the German Prime Minister, and by the absence of any objections from either Russia or China.

In effect, these nations of the world all turned their missiles in the same direction.

At the same time, the wildcard, Israel, found itself in the position of being put on notice that it would be very unwise for their government to act unilaterally.  Despite their perceptions of threat, the Israelis were being advised that an assault on Israeli sovereignty would not occur with impunity.  Interestingly, during a number of televised interviews Mr. Netanjahu emphasized, and re-emphasized, that "high-level" contact with the Obama Administration took place weekly.  The message had been received.

The forum provided by the United Nations allowed the part and parcel of the American international political strategy to be introduced to all the nations of the world, as well as to demonstrate its potential for dealing with conflict resolution. 

Frodo can't help but be reminded of Dumas, and those in his great novel who crossed their swords, and proclaimed "One for All, and All for One." 

You were there, at the birth of the Obama Doctrine.  For those of you so inclined, Frodo would have no objection with anyone forwarding this piece to the former Governor of Alaska (Just tell her it is an article in the latest edition of "Sports Illustrated").      


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:09 PM EDT
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Friday, September 25, 2009
It's Too Late To Turn Back Now
Mood:  down
Topic: "Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)

Sam's late father, the gallant Howard, was always giving gifts to Frodo.  One year, a long, long time ago, at Christmas, he gave Frodo a bag of chestnuts.  Frodo probably thought of at least 247,655 other things he would rather have received as a gift, but he accepted them in the spirit of the Season.  Upon his return to the Shire, Frodo placed the chestnuts into the vegetable bin of his ice box, and promptly forgot about them.

Sometime into the New Year, Sam asked Frodo what he intended to do with the plastic bag filled with chestnuts in the ice box.  Wisely interpreting that as a signal for action, Frodo commenced to shovel the chestnuts into the garbage pail, but not before noting that there were sprouts growing from several of the subjects in the bounty before him.  Despite the time of the year, Frodo dug three holes in various locations about the Shire, and placed a single chestnut into each hole.  He thought no more of those acts for the remainder of the football and basketball seasons.

The chestnuts were, due to the horrible blight which devastated the American Chestnut population in the Appalachian region several decades ago, English Chestnuts.  Frodo, frankly, understood not the difference, but he assumed that, not unlike most Englishmen he had ever met, the English Chestnuts were either gay and or unintelligible.

Sometime in the Spring that followed, Frodo noted the very beginnings of trees emanating in the areas where he had planted the English Chestnuts months before.  This event probably proved that these English Chestnuts were probably only unintelligble.  Growth was steady and attractive annually, and eventually the spreading Chestnut trees took on a rather poetic stance in the Gardens of the Shire.  Beauty however, is a quality which may be much less an asset than first glances may imply.

The first chestnut to fall from the largest of the three trees was not the last.   The number grew so large that every squirrel within all the lands of Middle Earth became familiar with the extra-terrestrial skyways leading to the Gardens of the Shire.  Frodo was, at first, pleased that the squirrels would haul the entire product away for squirrel purposes.  Unfortunately, the squirrels soon discovered that it was a better idea to break the hob-nailed outer covering of each and every chestnut before attempting to store the bounty for Winter consumption.  The result being that Frodo's Gardens, his driveway, the roof of his house, and the front yards of all his neighbors were covered in the hob-nailed byproduct of the English Chestnuts for weeks on end.  It is during these times that Frodo's neighbors stop speaking to him.  Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog, play upon Frodo's sympathies by limping or holding a paw in the air, signalling the presence of something which only Frodo can extricate in their behalf.

At this moment, trees one and two are pretty well emptied of their baneful booty.  Tree number three is attempting to set a new world record.  Frodo's Saturday, assuming that torrential rains pass without consequence, will be devoted to the cleansing of the Shire of all the chestnut byproducts.  Despite heavy gloves, and tools designed to minimize bending and stooping, Frodo will be much the worse for wear when this hour arrives on the morrow.

Frodo no longer accepts Christmas gifts which require nutrition.  Whatever eats, also passes chestnuts.  Somehow, he thinks he now understands why the gallant Howard gave him those chestnuts in the first place. 

Someday dear reader, should you motor past a picturesque old cemetery in eastern Tennessee with a lonely chestnut tree standing all alone amid the morning dew, know that the gallant Howard got a proper marker.   That is an American Chestnut, probably the only one in the entire bag.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:59 PM EDT
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