I Come From a Land Down Under
Topic: "Missionary Position" (7)
Only the area known as greater Salt Lake City contains a larger number of Mormons than does the area known as greater Washington, D.C. Frodo, in his days before the Shire, grew up in the Nations Capital and, therefore not unsurprisingly, went to school with and got to be friends with, a goodly number of Mormons. As a general rule, he found his peers to be in great physical shape, athletic, attractive, good students, and hard working. They also did not drink or smoke, rarely danced, but seemed to have a tendency to produce babies during their teenaged years. Frodo always somewhat assumed that there was a need to let off steam.
Frodo specifically recalls a brother and a sister whose paths crossed his own. The sister was extremely attractive, and Frodo was filled with juvenile lust in her direction. Frodo shamed himself more than once in his head-long pursuit thereof, teaching him the lesson that even the best of men will throw themselves in front of a train if the temptation is thus so great. Frodo's association with the brother was certainly less intense, since he had to admit that much of that friendship was probably an avenue to potentially curry favor with his sister.
Soon after graduation from the highest school, Frodo's friend announced that he was going on a "mission." Frodo intitially thought this was his friend's methodology to escape the "draft," which was a much greater threat than any today can imagine. Beyond that, Frodo did not think much about a "mission," nor did he have much interest, since his lust had waned toward the sister of his friend in lieu of more achievable conquests.
As circumstances sometimes permit, Frodo found himself studying in Germany, not far from where his friend was involved in his "mission." Note that Frodo was immune from the "draft" while his studies continued so Frodo became rather accomplished in that regard. Frodo found where his friend was living, and went to visit him. When he arrived, Frodo was also introduced to the team-mate (for want of a better term) who lived and worked with his friend on their religious endeavors. There was an immediate and concentrated effort therein to "recruit" Frodo, and it did not sit particularly well with the Hobbit. It also became abundantly clear that there was a very strong resistance to other religious groups who tend to recruit members from other denominations, most notably the "Catholics."
During the visit, Frodo lapsed frequently into the kind of jargon that dominates teenaged conversation, which often utilize words not suitable for mixed company, if you will. It became very clear that the team-mate of Frodo's friend was uncomfortable with almost everything about Frodo, language notwithstanding. After a single night with the two "missionaries," Frodo found an excuse to end the visit early and return to his studies. Frodo has never seen, nor spoken with, his teenaged friend since those days so many years ago. Frodo has always assumed that he was deemed to be "not worth the effort."
Frodo has thought a lot about Willard Romney of the Church of Latter Day Saints (LDS, to the uninitiated) and of Frodo's particular knowledge of the people and their motivations. Frodo theorizes that Willard is on a "mission" (be it far different from the one oft-mentioned by Bros. Belushi and Ackroyd in "The Blues Brothers"). Willard, to Frodo, has taken on the task of bringing the "word" of Joseph Smith, the angel Gabriel, et al to the larger population of Middle Earth, and he will bear any burden, or pay any price in order to further that goal. That includes saying anything, or advocating any position, regardless, in order to win that which he has set out to accomplish.
Frodo has no intention of documenting a treatise against the religious beliefs of others. Nothing herein will be nailed to the front door of any church, synagogue, or temple. Rather, Frodo simply offers, based on his own experience, that there are those among us in Middle Earth with a different agenda, and it is his opinion that Willard Romney is out there to help increase membership under the watchful eye of Gabriel and his horn. To get there, he will say or do anything (and who is to say that he hasn't?).
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