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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
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Citizens of Middle Earth
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Thursday, June 8, 2006
That Dirty Little Coward That Shot Mr. Howard
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: "Just Desserts (2)"
"Excuse me, Saint Peter?"
"Yes?"
"Sergeant Frodo here Sir, down at the Main Gate."
"What can I do for you Sergeant?"
"Well Sir, we're having a little disturbance out front here, and your presence may be required."
"What seems to be the problem?"
"Well, there's this new guy outside who says he's supposed to be here, and he wants to inspect his virgins first."
"He wants to inspect what?"
"Virgins Sir, he's says he's supposed to spend eternity with a bunch of virgins?"
"Is he on our list of new arrivals?"
"No Sir, I think there are a bunch of us down here who have some idea who he was, but he's not on any of our lists, and he is very insistent."
"Ask him to have a seat Sergeant, and I'll be there in just a flash."
"Yes Sir, thank you Sir."

"I am Saint Peter. May I ask who you were and what seems to be the problem?"
"I am Abu Musah al-Zarqawi, and I am a martyr."
"Oh yes, I've heard that name. I thought you were a Jordanian?"
"I am here to get my reward from Allah."
"Well, there seems to be a bit of a mistake. This is the correct entrance for Allah, but he's not here right now, mainly because no one expected you here."
"What do you mean, not expected?"
"Well, it seems as if there is a special section for suicide bombers, terrorists, religious zealots, and hypocrites. All of your associates are there, and, according to my records, that is where you are expected."
"Is that where Allah rewards his martyrs with virgins for eternity?"
"I'm a little fuzzy on that one, since there seems to be a lot of mistaken information in that regard. I think I'll defer to the appropriate parties at that Gate."
"I see, well, where is this Gate, and how do I get there?"
"Oh Sergeant Frodo will be glad to show you the way, you just follow the signs to Door Number Seven."
"May Allah be praised, I can find the way, I will not need assistance from the infidel."
"Have it your way. Say, Mr. Zarqawi, before you go, I was just wondering where you got your information about what to expect when you got here?"
"The Holy Quran taught us in our schools that Allah's Martyrs would be rewarded with Virgins in Heaven if we died in the act of destroying those who threaten the Word of Allah."
"I see, well, I suppose you will have plenty of time to review those guidelines where you're going."

As the newcomer departed, Sergeant Frodo turned to Saint Peter and could not help but notice a wry grin across his countenance.

"Saint Peter, you have what those below would call a 'wicked grin'."
"Sergeant Frodo, as you know Gate Seven is a crossing for the River Styx and takes the newcomer into the Seventh Circle of Hell."
"Yes Sir, I'm well aware of that, but I would think that seeing any poor soul go there would be anything but amusing?"
"Oh yes, Mr. Frodo, you are so right, but this newcomer goes in expecting to spend eternity making love to virgins, and is he ever in for a surprise."
"Surprise? What will he find when he crosses the River Styx and finds his just reward for all eternity?'

Saint Peter began to laugh, tears streaming down his cheek, and he said "Sergeant Frodo, Mr. Zarqawi will find Ann Coulter with her mouth open."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:47 PM EDT
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Monday, June 5, 2006
Take Another Shot of Courage
Mood:  smelly
Topic: "Interstate Parking (2)"
Atlanta, formerly known as Marthasville, if nothing else, is certainly the transportation hub of the Southeast. The adage "To get to Hell you first have to pass through Atlanta," speaks volumes about all the spokes coming together in one place. Interstates 20, 75, and 85 criss-cross in the heart of downtown Atlanta, after each enters passes through the circumferential Interstate 285. Frodo is relatively certain that you, dear reader, already know all of this.

Things the reader does not know are a reflection of political chicanery, ignorance, racism, and the most bizarre reasoning this side of a Pre-Emptive War. Frodo divulges these facts for consideration (after all, what else does one do when sitting in traffic, listen to "Talk Radio?").

The proposal has been made that Interstate 75, coming from Chattanooga in the Nortwestern quadrant, be widened to 23 lanes. That is correct, 12 lanes in one direction and 11 in the other, to represent the widest roadway in the entire world. This, of course, is right in the heart of what was formerly the largest county in America with absolutely no public transportation. It is the heart of suburban Republicanism, the infamous "donut" populated by conservative White people. This is the Congressional District that once belonged to Newt, and now is represented by Tom Price, an obsequious little mouse of a medical practitioner. They did not need public transportation when it was first proposed, and they don't need it now. That is, as long as you hodads in Kansas and Pennsylvania pay for the widest highway in all the world.

To alleviate the traffic on the Northside loop of Interstate 285 between 75 and 85, the proposal was made that a new "Northern Arc," some 20 miles north of Interstate 285, would be constructed between the two Interstates. The heart of suburban Republicanism would be bi-sected, and the "donut" populace might face the issue of eminent domain head on. The proposal became a political issue in the most recent gubernatorial race, and "Sonny" Perdue became the first Republican Governor in Georgia since Reconstruction. Wanna guess what side of the argument "Sonny" represented? There is no "Northern Arc."

Interstate 85, coming from South Carolina in the Northeastern quadrant, bi-sects the most Republican of Counties, Gwinnett (Remember the "Runaway Bride?," this is where she lives). Rep John Linder who, along with Neil Boortz, has championed the unbelievably bizarre "Flathead Tax," in order to reduce his own personal tax bill at your expense, dear reader, is seeking Federal money in order to construct elevated roadways over the existing highway. As long as somebody else pays for it, John is there for his people.

Frodo would never imply that the traffic in which you sit is a partisan issue. Just remember the President thought it was more important to protect the sanctity of marriage today. Tomorrow he takes up the issue of burning the flag.



Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:25 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, June 5, 2006 10:29 PM EDT
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Sunday, June 4, 2006
Mr. Big Stuff, Who Do You Think You Are?
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: "Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
One of the most heart-wrenching of all the lessons learned from Hurricane Katrina, in Frodo's opinion, has to do with the lost and abandoned house pets of the Gulf Coast. Were there enough room in the Shire, as well as liberal zoning restrictions, Frodo and Sam would've fostered all of them. About this same time, the gallant Howard and Sam's Stepmother were separated by the disease that is known as Alzheimer's. The breakup of the household meant that the aforementioned house cat, known only as "Boy," would become homeless.

Sam had determined quite some time before that the very large, and overweight, all white cat would join the residents of the Shire. Punkin', Sam's special cat, had succumbed to kidney breakdown, and Rocky was nearing the final count of 10 in his battle. Adapting the three-year-old cat to the Shire would mean that only dogs and one cockatiel would have to be ameliorated. The cat had never escaped the internal confines of the dungeon that had been his home. In the Shire, there was no way to keep him from access to the dog-door which leads to the fully-enclosed "back 40."

The biggest challenge was the lack of a valid name. Sam demanded something appropriately Southern, so "Beau" seemed almost fulfilling. Frodo added "Neau" to the moniker, to pay homage to a talented and socially-conscious musician.

Beau Neau is a chase object to Mick, the Wonder Dog. Whenever spotted in the backyard, Mick, the Wonder Dog, goes into full attack mode, and Beau Neau immediately begins evasive maneuvers. Beau Neau has also learned to hide; he hides just about as well as a very large all-white cat can amongst the English Ivy and the low-hanging bushes. He has also learned to use these hiding places in order to develop his hunting prowess.

Frodo is not fond of the fact that he is harboring a killer. At first, it was kind of neat that Beau Neau was making mincemeat, literally, of the field mice and wood rats who routinely invaded the bird feeders of the Shire. Once all of them were gone, Sam began to notice pieces of blue-tailed skink and garter snake on the floor of the laundry room. Trophies were being left for Sam's approval.

Moles were next. Since moles do harm to many plants, although they are blind and very helpless, Frodo accepted their demise.

The chipmunks ("Chipmonkeys" in our lexicon) have been something else however. These miniature rats are cute, and Frodo can't help but ruminate on memories of "Chip" and "Dale" from the Wonderful World of Disney. Now Frodo would not mind if Beau Neau would turn his attention to the squirrels who plague the Shire, and certainly Beau Neau is big enough to kick some aerial rat butt. He is however much more interested in the Chipmonkeys. He is also fond of bringing them into Sam's laundry room.

Frodo believes that the Chipmonkey Saga will come to a swift conclusion once Sam takes an active role. There is no fury like that of a Hobbit protecting a laundry room from uninvited visitors.
In the interim, Frodo notes a great similarity between the Chipmonkeys and the current controversy regarding illegal immigration. Although the Chipmonkeys are keenly aware of the danger, they know that bird seed fallen from feeders is a great source of nutrition to the offspring, and it is a risk worth taking.

Frodo knows that he is not further able to secure the borders of the Shire, and Beau Neau certainly represents a segment of the population that wants these illegal intrusions to continue. Frodo certainly hopes that no one discusses this quandary with George W. Bush. The National Guard has enough to do, and one anarchy at a time is sufficient to keep the House of Representatives from scheduling hearings at St. Andrews.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:49 PM EDT
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Saturday, June 3, 2006
One Night a Wild Young Cowboy Came In, Wild as The West Texas Wind
Mood:  down
Topic: "Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"What," Frodo asked, "goes through the mind of someone who is failing and can't seem to do anything about it?" "Look at the gallant Braves," he added, "ever since their catcher got hurt, who was leading the league in hitting at the time, the rest of the team has been playing as if they were sleep-walking." "Can you imagine what it must be like for the President of the United States?," he queried, "He gets elected twice, thinks he has a mandate to do whatever he wants, and the whole world is laughing at him. He is a dismal failure and he can't seem to do anything about it."

Gandalf and Sam merely nodded as Frodo proceeded to define his point. "The budget deficit has reached a level almost unconscionable to most Citizens of Middle Earth, and this great leader has not exercised his authority to stop the spending. Not one single veto of one single Bill. It is understandable why so many believe that this is a deceitful plan, a plan to spend so much that soon there won't be enough money to spend on anything other than re-paying the debt and defense. Everything else that government does, including Social Security, will end."

Merry, Pippin, and Legolas listened intently as Frodo talked about Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and his legacy. "It was Roosevelt, Time Magazine"s 'Man of the Century,' who said to his people that it was fear, and fear alone, which was the threat to national survival. Now, the anti-Roosevelt uses fear as the justification for the dimunition of individual liberties." Frodo kicked at the dirt, "And he acts as if it is his divine calling to proceed without the questions, the checks and balances, which more than 200 years of constitutional government guarantee."

Boromir and Galadriel, with lumps in their throats, cheered Frodo on when he came to the Pre-emptive War. "Incredibly, he takes the nation to War on the basis of information that was simply not correct. The troops do not have the gear that they need, yet they fulfill the mission assigned to them. Now, nearly 1500 days later, they are still in harm's way, policing the internecine struggles of this faux nation built by the fiat of George W. Bush." Frodo's face reddened and his heart beat faster and faster. "What galls the most is the fact that the whole effort was based on an academic theorem which had no conceptual proof in the history of mankind. Yet, he hangs on as if he alone is guided by the truth. He does not have the moral courage to even attend a single funeral for the soldiers he sent to this War of choice."

Frodo turned to Gimli, Tom Bombadil, and Treebeard with tears welling in his eyes. "He flaunts the law. He values 'loyalty' above all other characteristics, and he confines his counsel to those who extend him the greatest loyalty. He never hears a dissenting voice, and he never takes the opinions of those outside his immediate sphere of advisers into consideration. Even those who have supported him now distance themselves from many of his proposals." Frodo stared into the heavens, "It is hard to imagine whether there are any persons serving this President who will be immune from prosecution for actions taken in his behalf. They have acted 'above the law,' and time will claim its' victims."

Frodo thought about the ring and the threat that it brings to all the Citizens of Middle Earth. "There are those who defend Saruman by down-playing the harping of those whom they call 'Bush bashers.' I am afraid that Frodo stands here, feeling much as Patrick Henry must have felt when he said "Is Life so dear, or Peace so sweet, as to be purchased by the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it Almighty God, I know not what course others may take, but as for me, Give me Liberty, or Give me Death.'"

Frodo is a "Bush-basher," and damn proud of it. So say we all, the Fellowship of the Ring.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:59 PM EDT
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Friday, June 2, 2006
You Know It Don't Come Easy.
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: "Combat Kelly (2)"
Mike Wallace has been interviewing people since before Frodo was born. Mike Wallace has been interviewing people since before any of us, dear reader, was born. It is a good "mind game" to try to recall the first interview one remembers Mike Wallace conducting, for it seems that he has, indeed, interviewed everyone.

On the console model black-and-white TV, with a faulty 6GB6 vacuum tube, conveniently set aside in his bedroom, Frodo was able to occasionally catch a broadcast or two after homework and before bed. Distinctly, Frodo remembers Mike Wallace, and the spirals of cigarette smoke, as he engaged a World War II Veteran named "Combat" Kelly. Frodo was at the age where he thought War was neat, and that playing War was a frequent occurrence in his activity list. Listening to a winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor talk about killing Germans was not something Frodo would miss.

Wallace asked Kelly, as best Frodo now can recall, if he experienced any remorse for the taking of more than 100 lives. Kelly was adamant and blunt in his response. He had seen friends and fellow soldiers fall, and he had no compunction whatsoever about taking the lives of the enemy responsible. At the time that sounded perfectly reasonable to Frodo, and, in some ways, it still does. Recent events make Frodo think about a lot of things he used to blindly accept.

Frodo does not accept the fact that war crimes are only committed by bad people. There is no doubt in Frodo's mind that some good people get pushed beyond the norm. In the same vengeful state of mind as "Combat" Kelly it is very likely that a good person may act inappropriately. It is one of the many travesties of the inexplicable madness we grow up calling "War." There are young men in Camp Pendleton this evening who probably fall into both categories.

Frodo was once on the same airplane with Mike Wallace, and they stood side-by-side while being transported from plane to terminal. Wallace must have known that Frodo recognized him, for he smiled at Frodo when their eyes met. Frodo would have liked very much to talk with him, especially to ask him about that interview with "Combat" Kelly. Frodo respected Mr. Wallace's privacy however, and allowed him to go in peace. It is just as well, because answers do not come that easy.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:11 PM EDT
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Thursday, June 1, 2006
The Change Has Come, She's Under My Thumb
Mood:  not sure
Topic: "S'long Sarong (2)"
Frodo has learned that a 7-year-old boy was allowed to enroll at an elementary school in Japan's Hyogo prefecture as a girl. The young boy believes he was born the wrong sex, and he has been diagnosed as having "gender identity disorder." Frodo notes that the appropriate acronym, in English, would be "GID" which probably explains the slang term "giddy," or so Frodo supposes. "Giddy up," an expression often used to commence activity may also carry another, more confusing, aspect given the circumstances.

The young boy's name is listed with the girl students at the school, he attends a girls gym class, and he uses the girls' bathroom. He wears a girl's swimsuit at the school pool. All of these facts, to Frodo, seem so out of character for a social structure that has so little tolerance for those who don't easily conform. In fact, Katsuki Harima, a psychiatrist who specializes in "giddy," said that the decision by school officials seems appropriate, but that it would add to the complications of a young life as he gets older. Harima added that she was unfamiliar with any similar case at the elementary school level.

Frodo thinks a lot these days about people who are different. He remembers part of a song once sung by the Kingston Trio that goes sort of like this: "The whole world is festering with unhappy souls, the French hate the Germans, the Germans hate the Poles. Italians hate Yugoslavs, Yugoslavs hate the Dutch, and me, I don't like anybody very much."

Maybe Frodo is just a little too "giddy" over something so serious to a little boy on the other side of the world. It is a big and daunting world when one is only seven years old. Frodo will leave this subject with a little prayer for a little boy, and some empathy. Some burdens are just not easily understood.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:06 PM EDT
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Wednesday, May 31, 2006
When Those Cotton Bolls Get Rotten, You Can't Pick Very Much Cotton
Mood:  on fire
Topic: "Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
Frodo has long been an admirer of Michael Crichton, creator of "Jurassic Park," an accomplished author. Nothing has changed, but Frodo thinks that Crichton's most recent work, "State of Fear," stinks. Crichton's strength has always been a devotion to theme, e.g. "Nature Finds a Way," which is the principle giving credence to the fictional explanation for Jurassic Park and the story itself. In "State of Fear," Crichton tries to debunk the entire concept of Global Warming, and he does so to the detriment of his story-telling ability. Frodo, it is said, compared the argumentative dialogue to a George W. Bush Press Conference in defense of the Pre-Emptive War.

Frodo read the book as a piece of fiction, and found it to be the weakest of Crichton's stories. In all due fairness, Frodo adds, he also thinks that Crichton's scientific discourses on the mythology of global warming are bankrupt.

Frodo knows better than to compare the weather of his youth to that of his Hobbithood, especially when long-term scientific documentation is being gathered and analyzed by true scientific theoreticians. However, as a contribution to the cause, Frodo has been working out in his flower beds and pulling weeds. Should you notice, dear reader, an increased difficulty in oxygen absorption, it may be due to the three wheelbarrows full of carbon dioxide-loving plantlife which Frodo has relegated to the trash heap of history.

Crichton argues that glacial retreat and rising sea levels are merely a part of routine epochs of nature, and are not predominant reflections of Man's impact on Planet Earth. Frodo thinks that is pure hooey, and he notes that until the Citizens of Middle Earth began to pull weeds there was a balance in Nature. Now, as more and more baby-boomers reach retirement age, and turn their energies toward plants that produce food, energy, smoke, or flowers the whole environment is under siege. Millions of bald-headed, pot-bellied former Hippies are out there every evening pulling the atmospheric balance into Never-Never Land.

Just think what will happen when the baby-boomers are gone, and there aren't enough weeds being pulled? Generation X will be up their butts in sea water, and freezing in the dark.

Who says there isn't any justice anymore?




Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:25 PM EDT
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Thursday, May 25, 2006
Ya Gotta be a Football Hero to Get Along With The Beautiful Girls
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: "NFL Commissioner (2)"
Gandalf and Frodo were observed discussing the purported outreach to Florida Governor Jeb Bush to become Commissioner of the National Football League. Frodo thought it amusing that President George W. Bush would then become known as the "Commissioner's Brother." Gandalf, however, took umbrage and suggested that Frodo should consider what kind of Commissioner a Bush Brother would actually become.

"Consider, Frodo, the quality of leadership from which the Commissioner would draw his decision-making," said Gandalf. "For example, early in his Administration the Commissioner would probably launch 'a pre-emptive strike' against the Players Union."

"Ah, I see what you mean," said Frodo. "I can imagine that ticket prices, just like gasoline, will quadruple in price."

"Now you've got it, so don't you also think that individually profitable franchises will thus become deficit-ridden?"

"Well of course, and I have no doubt that the Commissioner will announce plans to initiate a new franchise on the Planet Mars," said Frodo with a giggle and a smile.

"How about starting a 'guest player program' in which soccer-style kickers are allowed to apply for citizenship if they make more than 50% of their field goal attempts?"

"Oh, I'm all for that, but we have to consider security first, therefore the Commissioner will propose using the National Guard to collect tickets."

"Well certainly, and should the bathrooms flood in in one of the domed stadiums, then the President could use the Guardsmen to help evacuate the fans in a week or so."

"Remember that the Commissioner's other brother, Neil, who honed his financial management skills in a savings and loan, could offer his services to arrange the team schedules."

"Ha, that means the Dolphins would be playing the Redskins in Oakland on a Wednesday afternoon."

"Now, now, you know that all the officials would be instructed to blow the whistle whenever a foul is committed, and to say 'Read my lips, no more holding.'"

"Before every game, rather than the National Anthemn or 'God Bless America," there would be a new song sung by some lame-o from Nashville."

Frodo paused, looking at Gandalf, "And what song would that be?"

"Send in the Clowns."

Frodo stopped and his mood turned somber. "Don't worry, they're here," he said, as they returned to the task at hand.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:47 PM EDT
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Monday, May 22, 2006
I Saw the Harbor Lights
Mood:  sharp
Topic: "Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
Frodo was very concerned for the safety of one whom he barely knew. It was no secret around the College of the Shire that being different, or unconventional, would often produce conflict. The one that Frodo knew was a Professor, of Religion and Philosophy, who often made public statements which contrasted to the prevailing opinions of those troubled times. Frodo resented some of the things said, but others moved beyond resentment to consider violence.

Frodo discussed his concerns with the Fellowship, as well as his fears. Those planning violence would not hesitate to include Frodo, and there was no doubt that by sheer force they would get their way. There was nothing but conjecture on which to base a challenge of any kind, so Frodo wrestled with a time-honored conundrum.

Eventually it was learned that one specific behemoth would wreak havoc on the Professor. It was to take place during a basketball game between faculty and students. Frodo and several members of the Fellowship were also to take part in the event, as was the behemoth. The subject of the assault would participate, as would Gandalf, the Wise, as members of the faculty.

As the teams warmed up on opposite sides of the court, Frodo and his fellow Hobbits decided to warn Gandalf, so that he could pass a warning on to the Professor. While surreptitously adjusting his shoelaces, Frodo motioned to Gandalf to come to where the Hobbits were seated.

"Lord Gandalf," he said, "please tell the Professor that he is in grave danger. The behemoth is going to make every effort to cause him pain. We do not want to see him hurt."

Gandalf glared back to Frodo, and cast his gaze upon them all. In totally uncharacteristic fashion he yelled at Frodo, "And what are YOU going to do about it? Don't you understand? This is exactly why you are losing the War." With that, he turned his back on Frodo and began to dribble away.

The Hobbits were speechless until one said, on behalf of all, "What in the Hell was that? What did he mean about us losing the War?" Frodo's predicament was greater now than when silence had been the preferred course of action. Perhaps he should notify the game officials of the plan? Perhaps he should step to center court and make an announcement of what he knew? Perhaps he should challenge the behemoth directly? In any event, Frodo now had responsibility for what was about to occur.

The behemoth was not a good basketball player, and his time on the court would be limited. Frodo and his friends knew that at least one of them would be on the court at all times. Between them, they decided that when the behemoth was on the court that one of them would maintain a position between the two so that the behemoth could not make physical contact with the Professor. It worked. The behemoth was pushed out of the way every time he came near the Professor, and the planned victim was puzzled by the fact that he was given so many open shots at the basket.

Gandalf never brought the subject up with Frodo, nor did Frodo and his friends ever discuss what happened after that night. Frodo, however, has thought about those events every single day of his life, now some 40 years later. There is no greater honor that a student can give to a Wizard than to acknowledge that he made the student think about the choices to be made every single day. Frodo admits to the fact that he still does not fully comprehend the message conveyed. Perhaps, had Gandalf given a similar message to George W. Bush, today's war would not have been blamed on faulty intelligence, and someone would take responsibility.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:37 PM EDT
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Sunday, May 21, 2006
Racing With The Moon
Mood:  blue
Topic: "Ode to an Athlete (2)"
There were two horse race tracks in or near the City of Orleans. When racing was "on" at The Fairgrounds, it was quiet at Jefferson Downs, and vice versa.

Frodo had always had a fondness for the pageantry and the excitement of horse racing. It stemmed from the days when he and the other infant Hobbits would sit in the shade of the trees that lined the parking lot overlooking the far turn of the track at Charles Town. Frodo's grandmother would sit while the adult Hobbits went to "play the daily double" in an area where infant Hobbits were not allowed. Although she would never allow herself to bet, Frodo can remember the uncanny ability that she seemed to have in selecting the winning horse.

"Never bet on a gray horse, never bet on a filly, and always look for the horse with the longest legs and the slimmest body," she summarized for Frodo. Over time, Frodo learned that things like the length of the track, the jockey, the track conditions, the history of the horse, and so on, would have a significant impact on the outcome of the race. Still, he avoids the gray, has rarely selected a filly, and those long legs have always been tempting to Frodo.

Sam was out of town, and the canines of the time, Prissy and Gumbo, were occupied with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads when Frodo left to spend a few hours at Jefferson Downs. After seven races Frodo was pretty bored, and was about to head for home. The name of a horse entered in the eighth race caught his eye. "Miss Priss" was an 15-1 shot.

"Hmph," said Frodo, "if Sam were here there would definitely be a bet placed on this horse to win." Frodo's smile turned to interest when he began to examine the facts about the horse in the racing program. It seemed that she ran well on dirt, had done very well against the leading competition paired against her in prior races, did very well on longer races, and had never been beaten when tonight's jockey had been on her back.

"She's a filly," thought Frodo, "just my luck she's an equine Hobbit with a gray complexion." When "Miss Priss" entered on the track, she was clearly the horse with the longest legs. Frodo went to the $5 window and placed a bet "For Sam," he said. For good measure, he doubled the bet for himself.

The $150 which Frodo received for betting on "Miss Priss" had to be shared. On the way home, he stopped his motorcar at the grocery store and purchased a small steak. When he arrived at home, and after allowing Prissy and Gumbo to relieve themselves, he picked up the beagle-dachshund mix and placed a kiss directly on her mouth. She probably went to her grave wondering what exactly had triggered that outburst and the subsequent bed-time treat of juicy meat and bone.

Frodo recalls this story and his fondness for horse racing while he fears for the future of gallant Barbaro, Champion of the Kentucky Derby. Yesterday, while Frodo watched on television, he saw the highly-favored athlete pull up immediately at the starting gate at the Preakness at Pimlico. His back leg was broken in three places, and only the skill of his jockey averted a major disaster for the entire field.

Normally, Barbaro would've been "put down" on the racetrack, in front of everyone, because of the severity of such an injury. The physiology of a horse is such that in the area below the "knee," and above the "ankle," there is no muscle whatsoever. As a result, the flow of blood over multiple fractures is barely negligible. It is painful, and it nearly always results in life-threatening infection and death.

It is entirely understandable that inordinate effort be extended to save the life of a horse who had finished first in each of the six races he had run. The odds are long against Barbaro and the humans who work to save the life of this gifted athlete. Barbaro, believes Frodo, would have voted to accept the challenge. Should he lose, it would not be the result of a deficiency of will or of courage.

In Frodo's Heaven there are dogs, and there are horses. The presence of a soul is found in champions, of all kinds. Barbaro will run again with the wind, and Frodo will be at the pari-mutuel window, with Prissy.






Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:23 PM EDT
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