Topic: "Just Desserts (2)"
"Excuse me, Saint Peter?"
"Sergeant Frodo here Sir, down at the Main Gate."
"What can I do for you Sergeant?"
"Well Sir, we're having a little disturbance out front here, and your presence may be required."
"What seems to be the problem?"
"Well, there's this new guy outside who says he's supposed to be here, and he wants to inspect his virgins first."
"He wants to inspect what?"
"Virgins Sir, he's says he's supposed to spend eternity with a bunch of virgins?"
"Is he on our list of new arrivals?"
"No Sir, I think there are a bunch of us down here who have some idea who he was, but he's not on any of our lists, and he is very insistent."
"Ask him to have a seat Sergeant, and I'll be there in just a flash."
"Yes Sir, thank you Sir."
"I am Saint Peter. May I ask who you were and what seems to be the problem?"
"I am Abu Musah al-Zarqawi, and I am a martyr."
"Oh yes, I've heard that name. I thought you were a Jordanian?"
"I am here to get my reward from Allah."
"Well, there seems to be a bit of a mistake. This is the correct entrance for Allah, but he's not here right now, mainly because no one expected you here."
"What do you mean, not expected?"
"Well, it seems as if there is a special section for suicide bombers, terrorists, religious zealots, and hypocrites. All of your associates are there, and, according to my records, that is where you are expected."
"Is that where Allah rewards his martyrs with virgins for eternity?"
"I'm a little fuzzy on that one, since there seems to be a lot of mistaken information in that regard. I think I'll defer to the appropriate parties at that Gate."
"I see, well, where is this Gate, and how do I get there?"
"Oh Sergeant Frodo will be glad to show you the way, you just follow the signs to Door Number Seven."
"May Allah be praised, I can find the way, I will not need assistance from the infidel."
"Have it your way. Say, Mr. Zarqawi, before you go, I was just wondering where you got your information about what to expect when you got here?"
"The Holy Quran taught us in our schools that Allah's Martyrs would be rewarded with Virgins in Heaven if we died in the act of destroying those who threaten the Word of Allah."
"I see, well, I suppose you will have plenty of time to review those guidelines where you're going."
As the newcomer departed, Sergeant Frodo turned to Saint Peter and could not help but notice a wry grin across his countenance.
"Saint Peter, you have what those below would call a 'wicked grin'."
"Sergeant Frodo, as you know Gate Seven is a crossing for the River Styx and takes the newcomer into the Seventh Circle of Hell."
"Yes Sir, I'm well aware of that, but I would think that seeing any poor soul go there would be anything but amusing?"
"Oh yes, Mr. Frodo, you are so right, but this newcomer goes in expecting to spend eternity making love to virgins, and is he ever in for a surprise."
"Surprise? What will he find when he crosses the River Styx and finds his just reward for all eternity?'
Saint Peter began to laugh, tears streaming down his cheek, and he said "Sergeant Frodo, Mr. Zarqawi will find Ann Coulter with her mouth open."