Mood:  lazy

Frodo loves to draw parallels.  Justifying a particular course of action, or preventing it, is an end game in and of itself.  For example, Frodo always listens intently to those who advocate a "Fair Tax," or that dimwitted idea fostered by nondescript Congressman John Linder (R-GA) and the egocentric misanthrope Neal Boortz.  Frodo follows up the presentation with a simple request, "Sir, can you give us an example of where, or when, this system was successfully implemented?"  The idea that a whole new system of taxation, untested throughout human history, would be put into place to replace that of the largest economy on Earth, at a far lower cost than any system in any location at any time, is ludicrous, at best.

Much of the debate regarding the Obama Economic Stimuli emanates from those who argue that the result will be a "socialist" system, and that the sacred "capitalist" method of economic growth will be supplanted by those not willing to work and achieve.  Frodo is always amused when he hears that "government" needs to be run more like a "business."  Frodo is one of the few who has managed in both worlds, and knows that nothing is further from the desirability factor.  Every decision in "business" is geared to the reduction of cost, or the increase in revenue.  Even goodwill is a factor in bringing customers into the fold when the objective is always "to make a profit."  In government however, there is policy, and there are behaviors which are guided without regard to cost.

Government wishes to reduce pollution in the environment.  It is impossible to quantify what pollution costs.  Government has only the option to throw as much money as it can at a problem, like pollution, hoping that nobody tries to count all that money, and then to measure pollution "standards."  Government does good if pollution is reduced, and cost is not the issue.

The point of this discussion is that, sometimes, if not usually, government does tend to wander somewhat philosophically afield when trying to achieve an immeasurable goal, like reducing pollution.  In Germany, an exhuberant member of the BUNDESTAG has noted that lots and lots of citizens have dogs, and that fewer and fewer of the dogowners seem to be "picking up" after their canine companions.  In order to reduce the pollution in the national parks and byways, he has suggested that DNA samples be taken from every pet in Germany.

This suggestion is not without merit.  By taking a sample of every pile of dog poop surreptitiously disposed, then matching it against the computerized DNA Doggy register, the culprit can be identified and justice can be meted out properly.

Frodo rapidly computed a cost factor of about 2,000,000,000 Euros to such an endeavor (which is roughly equivalent to President Obama's budget for 2010).  At least, spending the money on a DNA Doggy register would prove to be "shovel ready."  Note also that if the Germans are successful they will have stimulated their economy and eradicated the current supply of dog poop in the Fatherland.

There will still be lots of poop in America.   

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:43 PM EST

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Mood:  cheeky

The South Carolina Highway Patrol is probably one of the most disliked organizations on our small blue planet.  Frodo believes that everyone knows at least one other person who has attempted transit through the first State to secede, and found themselves charged with a traffic offense for excessive speed.  It is, in Frodo's mind, not possible to go fast enough to get through South Carolina.  That is, of course, unless one plans to visit "Frodo's Pizza" in Anderson (ask for Gandolf).

Frodo was bemused by the recent arrest of an off-duty State Patrol Officer in South Carolina, stopped on suspicion of DUI.  When asked to step out of his motorcar, the apparently male suspect was wearing a blonde wig, a bra, red panties (with black lace), and spiked heels.  Perhaps a pseudonym was used, perhaps not, but in any event the surname given by the suspect was Hoover.  Given the fact, as described some years ago, that Frodo was privileged to attend the funeral of he known as J. Edgar, it is, for the sake of argument, probably only a distant relative.  Frodo is not sure if the suspect bore the name Clyde.

Hoping against hope that Trooper Hoover, a Goober, who had arrested many a Mover, often perhaps driving a Cougar, Frodo saw the scales of justice properly adjusted.  Civil Judge Uecker, brandishing a Luger, splattered him with a Booger that landed on his face just like a shining Louvre. 

You were expecting maybe, poetry?  From a Blogger? 

Happy Unbirthday!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 3:07 PM EST

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Mood:  d'oh

Last evening, Kris Kristofferson appeared with Steven Colbert.  Kristofferson has always been an enigma to Frodo, not only because he is a Harvard-educated Rhodes Scholar in an environment where most of his peers are barely literate (and believe me, dear reader, Frodo knows), but because he has wasted so much of his talent on addictions.  Watching him last night, hoping Colbert might ask him to sing "Me and Bobby McGee," or "Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down," Frodo was struck by how much older, and more feeble, this very talented man has become.  Apparently, lifestyle catches up with all, eventually.

When, jokingly, asked about wading into the surf, nude, again, with Barbara Streisand, even Kristofferson had to acknowledge that "old men" bear little charm beyond sadness at what once was.  Colbert maintained that his "old man" image had its own attractiveness.  He concluded with two verses, accompanied on his own guitar, of "Help Me Make it Through the Night," and Frodo was sated.

Frodo was recently asked to compile a list of his favorite cinema productions, and he found reason to politely beg off.  Frodo has always admired the producer, more than the product.  Frodo will listen to anything written by Lionel Ritchie, or Willie Nelson, John Lennon, or Fats Domino.  Kristofferson is among those who wend words that Frodo recites in symphonic memory.

After tonight the number changes, hence the topic.  By chance it seems, Frodo's total presentations will then be a combination of very lucky numbers.  Given our present distress, and our "head so full of dreams" (for those who have never seen "The Elephant Man" on stage), it is appropriate that we march forward with a prayer for hope and good luck.  Like an old man with a song on his lips, Frodo thinks about the early morning light.  

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:15 PM EST

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Mood:  special

If, for whatever reason, someone were to distinguish the differences between Frodo and Sauron, the single most emotional point would involve respect.  Had Frodo been President of the United States, presiding over a War which he had initiated, rightly or wrongly, either he, or Sam, would have met the planes at Dover, each and every one.  For one who makes such decisions, the terrible cost must be imprinted, time and again, into the psyche, so that the cost of War never lessens.  The sacrifice is so immense that every decision needs to be weighed to fully consider the cost to be, as well that which has already taken place.  There is no compromise in Frodo's heart toward one, given responsibility, who failed to comprehend what is expected of those who lead.

It is a wise decision to respect the desires of a family as to the method by which they accept expressions of grief, solace, respect.  It is the same consideration offered for the funeral service at Arlington.  Although, for the past 20 years, families were denied this level of respect at Dover, it was their group decision to invite guests, including the media, to the funeral services.  It is only right, in Frodo's mind, that the family be offered the same level of respect when the loved one first returns, home.

The decision to not broadcast the deeply formal and respectful ceremony at Dover was made by George H. W. Bush.  His son, Sauron, failed to greet a single soldier home, at Dover.  The 43rd President of the United States never attended a single military funeral during his entire term of office. 

"Respect" is the word Frodo used above.  Perhaps "cowardice" deserves equal consideration.  Thus, dear reader, is the difference drawn.   

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:53 PM EST

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Mood:  lyrical

Frodo has been making a concerted effort not to scorn those who swallow the grape juice.  Taking his cue from President Obama, Frodo has sincerely convened a process of listen-consider-debate in order to help mentally-challenged individuals accept the fact that, as of today, the Republican Party is little more than a heated slice of bread.  What he has found however, is that many refuse to accept the fact that they fly in the face of reason and public opinion.  In fact, Frodo was recently exposed to the current supposition which as some in the minority allege, is little more than Obama's plot to permanently implement the "liberal agenda."

Frodo pressed his fingertips to resemble the steeple at Winchester Catheral as he considered the words of his friend,  "That Obama has certainly hosed us, hasn't he?"

"In what way, dear friend and gentle heart?" queried the respectful Frodo.

"He's blown this financial crisis out of all proportion, and he's done so for the solitary purpose of getting the American public to accept all of the 'Democrat' pork-barrel projects."

"Pardon?" responded the quizzical Hobbit.

"You know what I mean," he said, "that Socialist has scared everyone into believing that if they don't give him 'carte blanche' with trillions of dollars, without even reading the 'Stimulus' legislation, we'll all be out of jobs and/or flat broke before noon tomorrow."

"Wait a minute," responded he of the Brotherhood of the Ring, "are you saying that the President is using this 'crisis' as a way to force implementation of his political opinions and goals?"

"Well, duh, can't you see it?"

"Well, out of fairness if nothing else," said the startled friend of Samwise, "I was giving the new President a little leeway in his apparent sincerity to seek a bipartisan approach to a huge problem.  Honestly, I thought that what he's done was to fight a recession the best way he knows how, and to involve as many people as possible in the process." 

"Oh come on Frodo, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid wrote that whole damn Stimulus Bill in one night, and they put in everything from the kitchen sink to statehood for the District of Columbia."

"Now you're being just a little bit silly," smiled the flushed scaler of Mount Doom.  "Can't you believe that there might actually be one man who is determined to eliminate the enmity, and who is doing his absolute best for the country, and that he truly doesn't care who gets the credit?"

"Frodo, Frodo, Frodo, how can you be so naive?"

"I'm not being naive," retorted he who struggled against Gollum, "it may indeed by a 'leap of faith' on my part, but I truly believe in this good man.  I am a damn good judge of character, and I believe this is a guy who loves his kids, his family, his country, and who sees his role in history, and realizes how much he represents to those, like me, who have put their trust in him.  Do you mean you can't honestly believe that he might be for real?"

"He needs to cut taxes.   That is the only way to encourage business growth and investment.  Without that, he's doing exactly what Carter and Clinton did by supporting the Community Reinvestment Act.  They were the ones who got people to get mortgages for houses they couldn't afford."

"Are you saying that this is just the continuation of a social theory dreamed up by Jimmy Carter?" asked the keeper of the Shire.

"Actually, it goes back to Roosevelt."

"You know, old friend," lamented the smallest, and the weakest, " I think I finally understand why you became a banker."

"And why is that?"

"Because. . ."   (Dear Reader:  Frodo does not have the courage to use such an old joke himself, please feel free to complete the sentence as you deem appropriate).

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:18 PM EST

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Mood:  accident prone

There are times when Frodo wonders why anything surprises him any more.  All it takes, so it seems, is for there to be any mention of the State of Texas, and something truly bizarre will be added to the growing list of reasons why secession should have been accepted without prejudice.  Frodo suggests, dear reader, that before you proceed into the next paragraph, pour a little bourbon into a glass, over ice, and steel yourself for what is to follow. 

Texas State Representative Sid Miller, of Fort Worth, has proposed that ordinary Texans, with rifles and shotguns, be allowed to shoot pigs from helicopters.

Do you think that, even Frodo, could make this stuff up?

The issue seems to be that "numerous calls and complaints" have come into the office of our dedicated public servant.  An estimated 2 million wild hogs are causing $52M in crop damage annually in Texas.  They trample crops, dig up plants with their snouts, and steal animal feed.  According to Rep. Miller, even an entire peanut farm has been stripped.  This latter event offers a potential solution to the salmonella problem resulting in a massive national peanut butter recall; simply let the hogs die from their consumption of tainted peanuts.

Since wild hogs were first introduced to Texas by Spanish explorers more than 300 years ago, Frodo wonders why this has just recently become an issue.  Do you think, dear reader, that maybe it took that long for Texans to recognize that they had a problem?  As Frodo has testified before, the landscape of Texas is as forlorn as any on our small blue planet.  There are more trees in Brooklyn than there are in the entire State of Texas.  Maybe nobody noticed that the wild hogs were causing any damage out of the ordinary.  Additionally, it should be noted that there are many, many Texans who bear a family resemblance to the wild hogs.  Could it be that many of the pests were simply mistaken for residents of Waco?

Frodo nearly wet his pants when Rep. Miller declared "You're not going to have some bubba up there going 'Pass me a beer and ammo' and huntin' some hogs.  We want to do it right."  Frodo's response to Rep. Miller is that if his assertion is correct, then from what State are the hunters going to come?  It would be impossible to put any living Texan into a helicopter in such a situation without having launched a 'bubba' into our airspace. 

This is the only proposal anywhere in the US of A that would allow helicopter hunting of anything other than a predator.  Frodo is quite concerned about the precedent.  Alabama is not too far away from Texas, and Alabamians could be of a mind to take to the air in order to cull the States' population of those with an IQ exceeding their age.  The number of said individuals in Alabama is, as we all recognize, quite small to begin with, but eliminating both of those individuals seems somewhat cruel.  Senators Shelby and Sessions (R-AL) of course, would not be impacted.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:22 PM EST

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Mood:  on fire

In 1886, 36 Chirachua Apaches surrendered to Gen Nelson A. Miles.  Imprisoned in Fort Sill, Oklahoma, their leader, a man named Geronimo, died of pneumonia in 1909.  Nine years later, while stationed at Fort Sill, a group of Army volunteers from Yale University dug up the grave and took possession of the Skull and some of the bones.  Among the participants was a man named Prescott Bush.

In 2005, a Yale historian discovered a letter written in 1918 by one member of the group, Winter Mead, and sent to another, F. Trubee Davison.  In that letter it was written that the skull of Geronimo, other remains and artifacts were taken from the burial site.  Mead wrote "The skull of the worthy Geronimo the Terrible, exhumed from its tomb at Fort Sill by your club and Knight Hauffer, is now safe inside the T---- together with . . .femurs, bit and saddle horn."

This past Tuesday, on the 100th anniversary of the death of the Apache leader, his descendants filed a lawsuit seeking to have the remains returned for proper burial near his birthplace in southern New Mexico's Gila Wilderness.  The lawsuit named President Barack Obama, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Army Secretary Peter Green as defendants, along with Yale University and "Skull and Bones".  The latter defendant is, of course, the secret society chartered by the University, whose membership, restricted to 15 Yale Senior Class enrollees annually, is a marker for the most elite.  Members swear an oath of secrecy, and it is this organization which is not only alleged to have committed this sacreligious travesty, but to have hidden the crime from authorities ever since.

Members of "Skull and Bones" include FORMER Presidents George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush, and current United States Senator John Kerry (D-MA). 

Frodo has done some really dumb things in his time, not all of which took place while he was in college, although that was the period during which most truly stupid acts did occur.  Frodo has however, never robbed a grave, nor has he withheld information about a grave robbing.  It is incomprehensible to Frodo that anyone, much less two FORMER Presidents and a sitting United States Senator have remained mute, for any reason, about the remains of another human being illegally, and irresponsibly, removed from their burial site.

What a commentary, thinks Frodo, that Prescott Bush would have participated in the grave robbery, and that both his son and his grandson would particpate in the cover-up.  In Frodo's mind, should the lawsuit find for the plaintiffs, it would be a fitting judgment for the Court to order the exhumation of the remains of Prescott Bush, and the placement of the "skull and bones" on public display aside the sewage plant at Yale University. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:52 PM EST

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Mood:  energetic

The Men of Gondor, some of whom are familiar dear reader, include one dubbed as our topic tonight indicates.  The Dodger is the youngest of all the members, and is probably the wealthiest.  Using his time as if there were a specific limit identified to him once he passed puberty, the Dodger both reads and talks on the telephone while amassing an unbelievable number of miles on a treadmill.  He consumes food as if there were a stopwatch in the hands of an observant waiter.  His manuvering of an oversized motorcar brings beads of sweat to those who ride with him the first, and only, time.  Speed is a part of everything in the life of the Dodger.

His investment advice to professional athletes, successful businessmen, and that scourge of scourges, the wealthy inheritors, yields success ratios far beyond industry standards.  Utilizing, as he explained to Frodo, "index funds" based on foreign companies and foreign investments, the Dodger has been able to steer his clients into growth markets of all kinds.  Even in the current worldwide turmoil, the Dodger's clients have lost far less than the norm.  His own little company is now one of the twenty-five largest investment advisors in the entire US of A.  

Given all of this, Frodo would not change places with the Dodger for all of the tea in China.

Listening to him explain the break-up of his first marriage, and the absence of any communication for years with his progeny gives quick insight into the psyche of one driven by time.  The Dodger is heartfelt in his affection for the Men of Gondor, for they may actually be the only people who like him for who and what he is, as opposed to what he can provide.  The Dodger, to a fault, insists on paying for lunch, admissions, anything associated with the outings of the group.  Intrigue is often associated with these payments, since the Men prefer to each pay their own way, but the Dodger feels this is how he can repay the kindness of camaraderie.

The Dodger is intensely intelligent, but his opinions are shaped partially, and often come up incomplete.  He believes, for example, that all of the enmity between the Muslim World, and those who appear as their opponents is based only on the status of women.  Despite all argument which indicates that such an opinion is partially correct, the Dodger will continue in diatribe regardless of the evidence presented.

Did Frodo mention that the Dodger is originally from Texas?

The Dodger is definitively a reactionary in his political beliefs.  Frodo appreciates the value of differing opinions, and has always listened to the Dodger when he speaks, even when he violently disagrees.  The discourse between the two is always respectful and engaging.  Frodo often speaks with clarity in defense of the Dodger when others mock his proclamations of unabated truth.   Not unlike each member of the Men of Gondor, Frodo finds a reason, or two, to enjoy the company of those who just want to break out of the routine for a few hours, and reminisce about past hours spent in a locker room.

Dear readers remember that Frodo had left the Men of Gondor.  Frodo's explanation for his return has been that he did not want to lose the opportunity to observe as the Dodger, like a shooting star, flamed out over Planet Earth.  It will be a sight to see.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:36 PM EST

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Mood:  happy

"So nice of you to join me again this week dearie."

"Well, like, duh, Mrs. Reagan.  I mean who wouldn't want to sit down and have tea with, like, the wife of our greatest non-living President?"

"That's so sweet of you to say, and I do enjoy our visits together."

"Y'know Mrs. Reagan, my Mom is plenty jealous.  She's all the time, like, making comments about how nobody took an interest in her, and tried to help her along."

"Does she then tell you that she had to walk to school, bare-footed, through snow, and rain?"

"Hah, you got it y'know, like, she didn't even have a fur coat up there in Alaska."

"Well don't you let it bother you.  Our little chats will remain our little chats."

"Like in Vegas."

"Yes, dear, just like in Las Vegas.  Now tell me, how's your baby this week.  Done teething yet?"

"Oh, y'know, the baby's, like, fine, but I'm serious about my Mom, she's a real pain in the butt."

"All Mothers and Daughters have those disagreemets, that's why we're always known as 'Daddy's little girl,' don't you suppose?"

"Yeah, for true, I know, y'know, but, like she's trying to make me into a campaign poster for her."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, see, y'know, like she went ballistic when I told that lawyer with the nose job, y'know, on the interview that abstinence was like, y'know, unrealistic."

"No dear, I don't know."

"Well, like it is y'know."

"Dear, you could've just said 'No.'"

"Well, it was a lot more fun just saying 'Oh."

"What else did your Mother get upset about?"

"She nearly blew a gasket like, when I said that having the baby was my choice, not hers, y'know."

"I suppose that may make it a little difficult for her when the next election comes around."

"Well is that, like, all my fault?"

"No dear, none of that is your fault.  You are 18 now."

"Yeah, in only three more years, I'll be able to drink."

"Or shoot wolves from airplanes?"

"I think I'd have to say 'No.'"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:22 PM EST

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Mood:  don't ask

The following relates to a 57-42 vote in the Arkansas House of Representatives on Wednesday.  That august body approved a bill allowing concealed handguns in churches.  The bill now goes to the State Senate (for true).

Occupying all of the pews on the right-hand side of the OK Baptist Church in Bonanza, Arkansas, were the followers of former Arkansas Governor, Michael Huckleberry.  The left-hand side of the wooden structure was populated by those who retained a certain fondness for the performances of former Governor Woodrow Jackson Clanton.  The Huckleberrys and the Clantons were similarly united in celebration nearly every Sunday in the largest house of worship in Bonanza.  Since nearly every person in town was named either Huckleberry or Clanton, there was little purpose in even counting those who gathered elsewhere.

This was a different Sunday however.  Years of disagreement regarding such issues as paternity, maternity, fraternity, and statolatry had spilled over from Saturday night into Sunday morning.  Fate it was that had determined this to be the same Sunday in which concealed handguns were first allowed in the churches of Bonanza.  At least that is how it was reported in the local newspaper, "The Bonanza Gold", published by the Cartwright family.

According to the newspaper, services opened that fateful Sunday morning with the OK Baptist Chorale singing "A Closer Walk With Thee."  More prophetic words could not have been chosen to chronicle what would follow.  One of the Huckleberrys apparently took offense at the stare put upon him by one of the Clantons, who was probably just trying to figure out if that was a banana in the pocket of Old Man Huckleberry, or what.  In any event, the Old Man removed all doubt by pulling a .44 Magnum out of said pocket and created an abdominal entry into the liver of the unidentified Clanton.  This sparked a certain amount of consternation among the assemblage, according to the newspaper.

"Wild Bill" Clanton was the first to respond.  His sons gathered about him and they simultaneously proceeded to pepper the Huckleberrys with hollowpointed bullets.  Witnesses in defense of the Clantons later testified that the "hollow points" were filled with a family "secret sauce" which was later used to flavor the chicken prepared for the afternoon church social.

The Huckleberrys retaliated under the leadership of "Ike" Huckleberry, who had, at one time, been the Pastor of that very congregation.  Ike produced an antique German Luger from underneath the orange armband he wore so well, and he took deadly aim at the posterior of "Mother" Clanton.  Mother Clanton was Secretary to the Town Mayor (who happened to attend the church on the other side of the tracks that run right through Bonanza to this very day).  Mother Clanton survived the assault despite the fact that Wild Bill seemed to be drawing fire from the Huckleberrys as he saddled up closer to Mother Clanton.

Once the gunfire ceased, probably resulting from a shortage of ammunition, since it was the first Sunday under the new law, the assemblage gathered out by the river, and cleaned their weapons.  The Pastor, having suffered a superficial wound, was not inclined to proceed with the usual dunkings and hallelujahs that fateful Sunday.  Once the chicken dinner was served, things got peaceable once more, although several of the Huckleberrys seemed somewhat disturbed by the aroma of the secret sauce adorning the chicken.

Monday mornings edition of "The Bonanza Gold" carried the byline of the cub reporter who witnessed much of the happenings that day.  The banner headline read "Gunfight at the OK Chorale."  The editorial page was dominated by the words of the publisher, Old Man Cartwright, who wrote that the truly righteous should put their true faith in God, not guns.

Frodo says, "Amen."    

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:46 PM EST

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