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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Just Give Me Some Kind Of Sign, Girl
Mood:  not sure
Topic: "AAARRRGGGHH" (6)

Frodo is a problem-solver.  Recently, he solved a problem which he first encountered in 1973.  Unfortunately, all of the principles involved and the technology at hand are deceased or defunct.  The major benefit to this concentrated effort is that there is now one less thing keeping Frodo awake at night, leaving 600 or 700 in the active inventory.

Make that 601 or 701.

Frodo grew impatient with his completely adequate printer, and its unwillingness to accept ink cartridges upon his command.  Forcing anything into a plastic miasma is a grave error.  Frodo visited his friendly salesman at Office Max.

The friendly salesman convinced Frodo to spend about double what he had budgeted.  The HP Officejet is a sleek piece of machinery, with a black countenance which causes Frodo to assume that scantily-clad models also share his connection, and that they will make themselves available for technical support. 

Frodo should have re-packaged the whole thing and taken it directly back to his friendly salesman when he took note of the paucity of written information to support installation of his shiny, new all-in-one.  Erasing all doubt to this course of action was the labelling which identifed the point of manufacture to be China.  Why, why, Frodo now pleads, did he not receive the same confidential information made available to candidate O'Donnell in Delaware about the Chinese intention to take over America?

Frodo has fourteen days from date of purchase to work out his problems, or to admit defeat.  Have pity, our hero may not sleep at all.  What truly worries him however, is that it may take him another 37 years to complete this puzzle, and then, there'll be no one left to mark his passing.   


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:48 PM EDT
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Sunday, October 3, 2010
I Remember Finding Out About You
Mood:  cool
Topic: "Rwanda Go Home?"(6)

Doug Kanney woulkd laugh if Frodo told him that he reminded Frodo of the Reverend LeRoy of the Church of What's Happenin' Now.  That's why Frodo has such high regard for a former running buddy who decided to become a Methodist and a minister to boot.  Quite some time ago, the two fraternity brothers from the College of the Shire were sharing a loaf of bread, a few fishes, and a bottle of wine, when Frodo told Doug about Bilbo's impending demise.  Without any hesitation, Doug told Frodo tthat he would be there, even though he had never met Bilbo, and that he would meet the ceremonial needs required, if so desired.  He did a very remarkable job, even though Frodo could not get a picture of Flip Wilson out of his recollections of the day.

The good Reverend's daughter Valerie married a boy named Casey, and they had a whole houseful of children.  That turned out not to be a problem, even considering that Casey had made a career in the Foreign Service of the US of A, that is, until recently.  Casey now runs the State Department Embassy in Rwanda.  Not quite Paris, Frodo assumes, but probably preferable to Cleveland.  Doug and his accomplice Penny are leaving shortly for a month-long visit to the African Continent in order to pluck tsetse flies from the hair of their grandchildren.

Frodo was struck by concomitant communication from Merry, of the Fellowship, who reported that Father Tim, a former classmate of hers, who became a Catholic and a priest to boot, who usually resides in Farmington, New Mexico, which is also a pretty far cry from Paris, was in Rwanda (of all places) with a group of his parishoners on a humanitarian mission to treat children born with the AIDS virus.

Well now, dear reader, knowing Frodo and the Proud Merry, it is not hard to understand how all of a sudden there are a flurry of communiques en route halfway around the world.   Perhaps good people will meet in a faraway place and find refuge in their common faith, and just maybe they can find a place to tip an O'Doul's and to toast the host of Hobbits who wish them well, and hope they all come home the richer, and much, much safer.

Remind Frodo to someday tell the tale of his friend who went to Gabon, in order to play golf.  Or, perhaps, the tale was long ago told.  If so, it was many an O'Doul's ago.

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:59 PM EDT
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Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sure Plays A Mean Pinball
Mood:  not sure
Topic: "If You Remember,Then"(6)

"Quickly now," queried Frodo, "what was Henry Kissinger's seminal success in life?"

"Well, from his public profile, I'd say that most would remember him for his role in negotiating an end to U.S. involvement in the Vietnam War," said Bob Woodward.  "However, I will remember most his poignant and prayerful conversation with Richard Nixon on the steps inside the White House on the night before Nixon's resignation."

"Yes," said Frodo, "I remember the fact that you reported the event in your book, yet Kissinger denied being the source.  Speculation ran heavy that the Lincoln Portrait on the wall was the only other potential source for your story."

Woodward smiled.

"Actually," said Frodo, "don't the Kissinger reminiscences at the State Department conference on the history of US involvement in Southeast Asia just grind your butt?"

"Well, he was certainly well-informed. . ."

"Oh fooey, he had the unmitigated gall to say 'most of what went wrong in Vietnam we did to ourselves,' sputtered Frodo.

"A lot of people would agree. . ."

"You mean the live ones, don't you?  While that myopic academic cast-off wasted precious time explaining why the shape of the tables in the room were in any way relevant, 58,000 young boys and girls died, fighting on the wrong side of democracy."

"Now, it is true that the peace accords did allow the U.S. an exit from the fighting. . ."

"But, now, that cherubic 'Uncle Henry' adds that 'it left South Vietnam vulnerable to a communist takeover,' as Frodo's countenance flushes with fervor.

"Your point is well taken," said Woodward, "Kissinger basically admits that he was out-negotiated by Le Duc Tho."

"And every teenager north of Mobile was telling him that the North Vietnamese had a goal to unite their country, and Henry Kissinger felt like we could negotiate that down to a compromise."

"In his defense now," added Woodward, "he does point out that our disagreements over the conduct of the war were transmuted into an issue about the moral adequacy of the war and our involvement in it."

Frodo paused.  He looked at Woodward and said, "Sir, this is what you said was the seminal public accomplishment of Henry Kissinger's life.  From that point we have have concluded that he was both out-negotiated and disingenuous.  In fact, it is easy now to conclude that this famous man, who achieved wealth and fame while serving his government was a colossal fuck-up, who never accomplished anything of significance."

"Mr. Frodo, have you ever thought about authoring your own book?"

"I have Sir, but I don't think there would be a great market for a book entitled 'Dumb Shits Employed by America'."  


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:43 PM EDT
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Wednesday, September 29, 2010
You Make Me Feel Like Dancin'
Mood:  happy
Topic: "Whitman's Sampler"(6)

There is an aroma of optimism in the air, and to Frodo, it smells just like napalm.  Names like O'Donnell, Fiorina, Angle, McMahon, and Whitman are ships burning in the harbors of political naivete.  The outpouring of wealth into the coffers of Rupert Murdoch is on the precipice of producing a perfect game, no hits, no runs, and definitely, no misses.

It's not that Frodo is genetically predisposed to the feminine gender in the kitchen as opposed to the situation room of the White House, but the assemblage blessed by the former Half-Governor of Alaska has caused him to remember that he needs to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.  At the same time, the volume from the rational right has ratcheted down to a decibel-level that makes everyone forget that a certain bloodbath was the inevitable result of the midterms to come, just a few weeks ago.  It is a shift which once again gives hope for an imminent end to the current performance malaise in the American Experience.

Meg Whitman, in Frodo's mind, was the only one of these colossal douchettes to portray reason as a reason for voting in her behalf.  That is, until she fell victim to her own "tough-guy stance" on illegal immigration, and the inevitable "getting caught" with her britches down.  Ms. Whitman, it seems, had a housekeeper who couldn't seem to locate her "green card."  Instead of firing her, as she publicly demanded of prospective employers, she allegedly counseled the employee to lie, if caught.  At least that is what the rich, bitchy, femaly attorney said, in front of the cameras.

There have been a myriad of similar cases in recent decades.  Frodo well remembers the first nominee for Attorney General put forth by freshman President William Jefferson Clinton.  It was discovered that a household employee was not suffering the pain of withholding from her wages for Social Security purposes.  Allegedly, she told the brilliant attorney that she would "pay her own" when the time came.  Unfortunately, that was a preprogrammed response and left the employer liable for all of the tax, plus penalties, and interest.  It also meant that she would not be confirmed by the Senate to be Attorney General.

It goes without saying that O'Donnell and Angle suffer from an absence of neurons in the brain.  They are however, both picturesque devotees of the Palin Syndrome, and are sure to appear on "Dancing With the Stars".

Fiorina and McMahon have the distinction of corporate nosedives while wearing a brassiere.  They were counted out because they exhibited no capacity to lead on merit, or to identify any accomplishment which made money for anyone other than themselves.

Ah but Whitman, who has never apparently read a history book, or learned to speak Spanish.  Hers was the ignoble fall from grace above all others. 

Chocolate, anyone?

Frodo recommends the one that smells like victory.

    


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:41 PM EDT
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Saturday, September 25, 2010
I Can't Stay, Maybe I'll Be Back Some Day
Mood:  suave
Topic: "College of the Shire"(6)

Homecoming 'Tis, and Frodo is nowhere in sight.  Given all that has happened in recent months, many assumed that the Hobbit would find his way, even in an odd-numbered year, to partake of the home brew and taste the wine.  Neither he nor Sam has an appetite for another trek in a motorcar and the prospect of plastic plants and decaf available in the lobby at all hours of day or night.  Some things, it seems, will always negate the human moments of joy and/or despair.

The "Bulb," bald before his time, and a Chemistry Professor for many years, would be there, coaxing the Hobbit to cruise with him to Antarctica, to see a continent incontinent.  Frances, one with whom the Hobbit always assumed he would someday sleep, yet fighting pancreatic and liver conclusions will be there, perhaps in body for the last time.  The "Root" who seems to lose an appendage, or two, between those moments explained away to the Hobbit by one borne to teach.  Patsy, Sam's closest friend, whose life revolves around an annual gathering, and sharing Frodo's love of one.   Moments lost, with these, and so many other warriors, decorated for bravery in battles long-lost, or forgotten.  Frodo will regret his unwillingness to cross the mountains, ford the streams, and to run the ridges.

The College of the Shire will kick the shit out of her opponent.  Frodo is sure, but he will have to go to the magic of the Internet for assurance therein, since Division III sports do not count.  It is said that the College of the Shire has 10,000 alumni all around the small blue planet, but the University of Tennessee has twice that number in Atlanta, alone.

Yeah, but none of them can read.

Gladiators, it seems, now get paid, but in Division III you get an extra half-pint of milk, and memories, of the best kind. 

 

 

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:07 PM EDT
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Thursday, September 23, 2010
Guess I'm On My Way
Mood:  surprised
Topic: "Dimmer Switch" (6)

Regular readers know that Frodo has not been near the top of his game in recent days.  Frodo understands, obviously for different reasons, how Tiger Woods must feel in these, the halcyon days of his gamesmanship.  That fact came home to roost for Frodo but a fortnight ago, as he mechanically piloted his motorcar between destinations in the darkening hours beyond Mount Doom.

Approaching traffic caused Frodo to react without a second thought, he needed to dim his headlights for the benefit of drivers in the opposing lane.  His left foot pressed against the floorboard, searching for the dimmer switch.  Suddenly, he took note of the fact that his lights remained on bright, and that his foot had failed to connect with the little piece of metal that controlled the exterior luminesence.  Frantically, at first, he jerked his foot first left then right, in order to dim the beam.  All to no avail.  More than one driver honked at Frodo and presented him with an appropriate salute as a comment upon his procreational expertise.

"Where's the damn dimmer switch?," said Frodo to no one in particular in his otherwise empty motorcar.  "Did somebody. . ."

Pregnant pause.

Frodo realized that his motorcar had its headlights controlled by a lever on the steering wheel column.  In fact, Frodo came to realize, he was unable to remember when last he had even been in an automobile that had a dimmer switch on the floorboard.  Of course, every car had a dimmer switch when Frodo learned to drive, but he, even now, is unable to recall when that changed, or why.

It is probably a good thing that Frodo had not been riding a bicycle, he thought, as he touched the lever in order to dim his headlights. 

His face grew flushed as he considered the implications of this toss-back to the golden days of yesteryear when every car had a dimmer switch.  Has he been so preoccupied with responsibility that he has failed to keep the present in focus?  Have his neuropathic passages become clogged with the detritus of, hopefully premature, cognitive disability?  Frodo does not know for sure.

What he does know is that he would prefer a motorcar with a dimmer switch.   


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:17 PM EDT
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Thursday, September 16, 2010
I Know You're Wrong, You're Not That Strong
Mood:  irritated
Topic: "If the truth be told"(6)

The number of registered voters in the State of Connecticut was poorly represented in the Republican Primary a fortnight ago.  In fact, the number of voters who affirmatively supported the winner in the same primary was, as a percentage of the total party electorate, barely out of "the teens."  For reasons such as that, Frodo generally refrains from comment, much less concern, about elections that don't mean much to everyday life in Middle Earth.  He believes, strangely enough, that, occasionally, it is important for a complete and total fool to win public office.

William Scott (R-Va), now deceased, was long considered to be the "dumbest man to ever serve in the United States Senate."  Today, the Senators from Virginia are Mark Warner (D) and Jim Webb (D).  Hardly a duo to cause any Virginian to blush in shame.

Frodo looks longingly at Virginia, knowing that not all her politicians are worthy of a second glance, including her Governor, the homophobe McDonnel (R).  Frodo, in Georgia, has to contend with Johnny Isakson (R) (offspring of a publicly-vetted housing racist) and Saxby Chambliss (R) (dubbed by Frodo as 'Simply Useless').  Surely, thinks Frodo, Georgia's time will come, and another Sam Nunn (D) will arise to eradicate memories of Zell Miller (?) and Lester Maddox (I-D).  It is a terrible price to pay, waiting, for sanity in public office.

Nathan Deal (D-R), who switched parties when it became efficacious, resigned from Congress in order to combat and defeat the Sarah Palin-endorsed Karen Handel for the Republican nomination for Governor.  Ms. Handel was the only woman endorsed by Palin who happened to be more than thirty pounds overweight.  "The Real Deal" is purported to be the subject of an investigation into contracts awarded to his business by the State, and has been identified as pending bankruptcy for guaranteeing a multi-million dollar business endeavor by his married daughter.  In addition, Mr. Deal has now admitted to an "omission" from his financial disclosure documents reflecting other debts in the multi-million dollar category.  Mr. Deal, after pressure from his Democratic opponent Roy Barnes, has made public only the first page of his income tax returns, stating that it is not necessary to go into too much detail. 

There is a difference this time, that does give Frodo pause, and it centers around the evil Fox.  Apparently, there is a distinct possibility that candidates such as the precocious Ms. O'Donnel in Connecticut will restrict all of their appearances to the broadcast wing of the corporate entity which contributed a billion dollars to the Republican Gubernatorial Campaign gendarmerie.  How best, it appears, to put forth a candidate without the sense that God gave a goose, and keep her, or it, from ever being publicly-challenged?  Put her on Fox.

Every time that Frodo enters a public facility where there is a television broadcasting a Fox channel, Frodo strolls up, without a word, and changes the channel--generally to 'Animal Planet.'

There is danger afoot when it becomes apparent that an electorate is confined to the ill-informed, the un-informed, and those with an ulterior motive.  Frodo's home state is proof positive.

Frodo's Congressdork Tom Price (R) is unopposed.  Isakson is running against a black guy.  Frodo's voice matters only in the battle between Barnes and Deal.  Rest assured, Frodo will be there on Election Day, if only for that reason.  Polling indicates that Barnes is behind.

Help Frodo destroy the Ring.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:34 PM EDT
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Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Caught Between The Moon And New York City
Mood:  hug me
Topic: "Shenandoah" (6)

"Had Bilbo been of Scots-Irish descent, it would've been proper for Frodo to hire a lonely piper to play the ballad 'Goin' Home' as an appropriate vehicle.  Absent that, Frodo has too much respect for those here today to subject you to another part of Bilbo's legacy, a truly horrible singing voice.  So, with your indulgence, Frodo chose to create a poem from a song that she truly loved, and that is truly a part of her voyage on this day.  It is Frodo's way of saying good-bye:"

"Oh Shenandoah I long to see you away and hear your rolling river/

Oh Shenandoah, I long to see you/

Away, we are BOUND away/

Across the wide Missouri/

Oh Shenandoah, I LOVED your daughter/

Away/

You rolling river/

For her I'd cross your roaming waters away/

I'm BOUND away/

Cross the wide Missouri/

'Tis seven years since last I've seen you and heard your rolling river/

'Tis SEVEN years since last I've seen you away/

We're bound away/

Across the wide Missouri/

Oh Shenandoah/

I long to see you/

And hear your rolling river/

Oh Shenandoah, I long to see you/

Away/

We're BOUND away/

Across the wide Missouri."


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:56 PM EDT
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Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Then I Went Far Away And You Found Someone New
Mood:  smelly
Topic: "Tennessee Stinks" (6)

The University of Tennessee utilizes the name "Volunteers" to describe their inter-collegiate teams.  Supposedly, the term reflects the voluntary activity of those individuals from Tennessee who assisted in the struggle between Texas and Mexico.  Unfortunately, the assistance of the Tennesseans did little to assist the rest of the nation, and Mexico freed itself from Texas.  Frodo has always despised the University of Tennessee.

Frodo believes that the only good Texan was on the losing side of last Sunday Night's NFL march-up with the Washington Redskins.

Derek Dooley, son of football scion Vince Dooley, of Georgia, is the third Tennessee Football Head Coach in the last three years.  Following Phil Fullmer (aka "The Great Pumpkin") and Lane Kiffin (who dumped the Volunteers for Trojans), Dooley has an even more difficult task ahead of him than even he imagined.  The problem, according to the KNOXVILLE NEWS-SENTINEL is exacerbated by a number of players who have come down with staph infections.

Dooley, an attorney by training, was quoted as stating that the apparent source of these serious infections is in the locker room.  A number of "students of higher learning" are not-schooled in proper utilization of soap and washcloth.  Hygiene, it seems, is an item not necessarily included in "No Child Left Behind."

Frodo has a number of suggestions for the academic intelligentsia in Knoxville.  First, every scholarship athlete should be introduced to his, or her, let's not forget Title IX, butt (since many are unable to find it, even using two hands, and hopefully, a washcloth).  Second, Course Number 2-204 (a second year elective) entitled "Taking a Tub Bath," should be a required course, albeit in the second semester, in the first year in Knoxville.  Frodo also believes that "An Introduction to Indoor Plumbing" should be a part of Freshman Orientation for any student-athlete entering the University from the Tennessee Secondary Schools.

The "Vols" were waxed by whomever they played last week.  A similar result is predicted for almost all of the remaining schedule.

Life is not all bad.   There is a whole new meaning however, to the cheer "Go Vols."


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:44 PM EDT
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Thursday, September 9, 2010
Standin' On The Corner, Watchin' All The Girls
Mood:  energetic
Topic: "Survey Says" (6)

GDP is an acronym.  Acronyms are sometimes confusing to Frodo.  GPS, for example, and other techy-sounding capitalized letters are a thousand light years away from LSMFT (readers under forty, who have never smoked, will be up all night with that one).  GDP is an acronym that seems to come under discussion the closer one gets to an election, and Frodo thinks it is a good idea for non-Koran book burners to concentrate on it for at least the next two months.

The President has put forth a very good idea to spur the economy.  He has proposed that businesses who buy capital equipment, say like a bulldozer for example, get an immediate credit off their taxes, as opposed to the current practice of "depreciating" the cost of the bulldozer over a five-to-seven year period of time.  This is an incentive for the business to spend money now, and to find a use for that bulldozer knowing that the price may never be lower.  It follows that they will have to hire someone to drive it.  At the same time, the company who made the bulldozer will recognize that they can sell even more bulldozers, so they will need more people on the assembly line in order to make even more money.  Businesses such as these will make more money, and therefore have bigger tax bills to pay.  Revenue to the government will increase, without raising tax rates, and the tax revenue lost to the credit will be erased.

What Frodo likes about this plan is that it improves the GDP in an entirely different manner than what has happened over the past decade, when the growth in GDP came from retail customers who borrowed money and spent it like "drunken sailors."  The retail customer was the source of the flow of cash into the economy, which is fine, as long as that person has a job or feels pretty good about his ability to eventually pay the piper his due.  The problem has become that the retail customer lost his job, or he is afraid that he may, so he stops spending.  That momentum has carried itself throughout the economy and has resulted in furloughs, lay-offs, production cutbacks, and all those things which have caused the GDP to fall like a rock.

The President is attacking the problem in order to reverse the negative momentum by getting people back to work and incentivizing business to do so.  Doesn't sound so hard, does it?

So why didn't the Republicants come up with the idea?

John Boehner, Joe Barton, Newt Gingrich, Sharon Angle, Michelle Bachmann, Joe Miller, Rand Paul, Jim DeMint, Willy Gomert, Carly Fiorina, Sarah Palin, Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, "You Lie" (from South Carolina, the moron whose name even Frodo can't recall), John Ensign, Vitter, and yes, even good ole John McCain, are not the friends of peopple trying to make their way in the world today.

As the song said, "It takes everything ya got," and these losers haven't done diddly-squat.

Vote like your life depends on it, because it does. 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:26 PM EDT
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