Mood: crushed out
Topic: "Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Ladies and gentleman of the press, my name is Sergeant Frodo, and after a brief statement regarding the events of the last several days, I will respond to your questions. As you all know by now, Tiger Woods crashed his SUV through the fence surrounding the White House during the State Dinner offered in behalf of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh of India. Among the first to respond to the accident scene were a Mr. and Mrs. Tareq Salahi who were apparently uninvited guests who had been playing a round of golf with Mrs. Elin Woods on the East Lawn of the White House. Mrs. Woods assisted in the rescue effort by smashing the windows of the SUV with her nine-iron in order to allow her husband access from the crash vehicle. Mr. Woods was removed from the accident scene by three uniformed Secret Service Officers, and the White House Social Secretary, Ms. Desiree Rogers, and transported to his private offices in Dubai."
"Subsequently, the House Homeland Security Committee has initiated an investigation into the events of that evening. Subpoenas were issued to each of the parties identified above and to the Director of the United States Secret Service, all of whom were scheduled to appear this morning at 10:00 AM. Unfortunately, with the exception of Barrister Gloria Allred, who seemed to be representing everybody, none of those to whom subpoenas had been issued chose to attend."
"The Director of the Secret Service has announced that three uniformed Secret Service Officers have been assigned to administrative leave. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs has announced that Ms. Rogers will not be allowed to testify before Congress, citing the Constitutional guarantees of Executive Privilege. Mr. Woods has produced a CD, available for $11.99 at www.tigertales.com in which he describes his duets with four disparate performers. The Salahis are in discussions with the ghostwriter of the best-selling book currently shilled nationwide by the former Governor of Alaska, Gidget von Braun."
"That concludes my statement, and I will now entertain your questions."
"Sergeant Frodo, is there any indication that the Salahis, the Woods, Ms. Rogers, or any of the parties involved were acquainted? In addition, is there anything you can tell us about any threat to the President or anyone else at the State Dinner?"
"Yes and No."
"Jim Cramer, CNBC, you have a question?"
"Sergeant Frodo, the former CEO of ING has intimated that the SEC and the FBI were issuing an MOU to Wall Street Banks and AIG that Mr. Woods had invested more than $100 Million in speculative real estate in Dubai and that since his business partners were seeking to re-structure their IOU, that he was distraught over the potential loss? Any truth to that?"
"I'll have to get clearance from the Presidents to respond to that."
"Pardon? You said President(s)?"
"Yes, both the past and current Presidents of the Federal Reserve Bank, Messrs. Greenspan and Bernanke."
"Andrea, I assume you have a question?"
"Yes Sergeant Frodo, can you update us on the status of the President's efforts to secure additional troops for deployment to Afghanistan from NATO allies, and on any progress in his efforts to persuade Members of Congress regarding Healthcare Reform?"
"Ms. Mitchell, you should know better. The President is preparing for a trip tomorrow to Allentown, Pennsylvania, and upon his return will have to take "Bo" to the Capitol Groomer. He is trying to deal with the issues that most interest the American people first."
"Is that it?"
"Okay, since there are no more relevant questions, that's all for now. Another briefing will be held as facts warrant."