Topic: "If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
Frodo believed then, and he believes now, that the Department of Homeland Obscurity was a stupid idea. No Texan, in Frodo's opinion, has ever had a good idea (with the possible exception of everyone who has moved out of Mexico's largest province and sought solace in any place else on the Planet Earth). Every person retaining Texas residence should immediately be placed on a "Do Not Fly List," and administered a field sobriety examination. Creating the world's largest civilian bureaucracy was the kind of decision that Frodo expects of those with names like Bush, Connolly, or Jerry Jones.
If there were no DHS (federal agencies are required to develop and utilize their own distinctive acronym), Frodo believes that the following guidelines would already be in effect protecting the airborne among our citizenry.
First, no airline ticket costing more than $500 could be purchased with cash. Now, before you get your underwear tied in knots, consider how often you've been able to rent an automobile in an all cash transaction. The precedent is there, and despite the protestations of the Nigerians, who claim to be an 'all cash' society, they certainly ask for credit card information every time some Nigerian Banker's Son sends Frodo the news that he is soon to be the proud possessor of a $10M inheritance from the recently-departed Prince Somnambulism who had been miraculously looking for Frodo for many years.
Second, no son should be allowed to board an aircraft if his father has notified two or more embassies that he is behaving improperly. Please note that Frodo does not include women in this restrictive connotation (after all, it would be hypocritical, if not counterproductive, for anyone who has devoted a lifetime in search of 'bad girls' to punish them. . .hmm, let's hold that thought for a while).
Finally, the total elimination of carry-on baggage would enhance both the safety and the fiscal independence of the traveler. If the accountants who run the airlines no longer had the ability to generate 'service charges' for carry-ons, then they might shift their concentration to something involving true concern for their passengers. Frodo would be the first to turn Sam into the TSA (note appropriate acronym for those now known as "the water-bottle gestapo") for masquerading the hand-held carry-on as a "purse."
The suggestions submitted herein do not result from the conduct of a single off-site staff meeting. No Texan, living or dead, participated in the formulation thereof. No taxes will be increased in order to implement these changes to present security systems. No partisan political positions will be enhanced by any of these damn good ideas (Frodo doesn't think much of Texas Democrats, either).