Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Joy to The Fishes in The Deep Blue Sea
Mood:

happy
Topic: "Bumper Sticker"
One of Sam's favorite authors is Patricia Cornwell. Cornwell writes about crime, and earlier this week she donated $500,000 to help solve a "crime."

Almost exactly 142 years ago today, the eight-man, hand-cranked, CS Hunley became the first submarine to sink an enemy warship. Before it could return to shore however, the Hunley mysteriously sank to the bottom of Charleston Harbor and her intrepid crew perished. The submarine was discovered and raised to the surface again in 2000. It remains in a conservation laboratory and is being scientifically examined to determine exactly what happened.

Cornwell visited the laboratory and worked with Dr. Jamie Downs, the Georgia Coastal Regional medical examiner. She stated in an interview that she considered the Hunley to be a crime scene, and that a "autopsy" was necessary.

Frodo is a great fan of Inspector Grissom with the Las Vegas Crime Scene Investigation Unit, appearing regularly on CBS and in syndication on every conceivable cable channel. Perhaps Ms. Cornwell's benevolence will inspire the "CSI" writers to absorb the Hunley autopsy into a future show. Frodo admits that it would be difficult to explain how the Hunley got 3,000 miles inland from Charleston Harbor. Additionally, since Inspector Grissom specializes in entymology, it may be awkward examining bugs underwater.

Frodo found this entire subject of interest because of a little known piece of political trivia associated with the recovery of the Hunley. It seems that as the submarine was lifted out of the water that scientists observed what was undoubtedly the very first "bumper sticker" pasted on her stern. The submarine bore a 136 year-old codicil which read "Re-Elect Strom Thurmond."

Inspector Grissom will assign the dude with the kinky hair to examine for DNA before he sends it to "Trace."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:15 PM EST

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Every Time I Tried to Tell Ya, The Words Just Came Out Wrong
Mood:

accident prone
Topic: "Quayle Hunting"
Frodo never really believed that he would truly miss Dan Quayle. Frodo believed that Quayle was a nincompoop, who looked good, and that he was the kind of politician that could be controlled by stronger people with lots of money. He became Vice-President under George H.W. Bush in order to ease him into the Presidency in 2004, upon the conclusion of the second term. Along the way however, it became frightfully clear to everyone that he could not spell "potato."

That is no excuse however for Dick Cheney to go out hunting for Quayle, particularly in the wrong State. Quayle now lives in Prescott, Arizona, so there was little likelihood that Cheney could have "peppered" him with a 28 gauge shotgun from a location near the Armstrong Ranch outside Corpus Christi, Texas.

Frodo believes that Cheney has been associating with America's number one alcoholic far too often over the past five years. Why else, asks Frodo, would he not report the shooting to the local police? The old boy must have had a few too many "longnecks," or he had been sipping from one of the Bush "Jim Beam" leftovers.

"Look," said Frodo, "Cheney is a multi-millionaire, with residual income coming in from the Pre-Emptive War. He is a heart patient himself, so he is likely to be kicking up daisies in just a few years, and he has absolutely no need to have further political interests. He is the antithesis to Dan Quayle. He just doesn't care what anybody thinks."

"Mr. Frodo, what do you think is going to happen?'

"Look son, Cheney will never finish the second term. He'll get canned, or he'll have a heart flutter, or something, and Sauron will appoint somebody to take his place."

"You think, Mr. Frodo, that it'll be a political set-up for the Republican Presidential Standard-Bearer in 2008?"

"Well duh!," said Frodo.

"Who then?"

Frodo just smiled. "That's why Cheney tried to shoot Quayle. They want to make sure he doesn't appear as the most experienced Republican."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:39 PM EST

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Sunday, February 12, 2006

With The Northern Lights A'Runnin' Wild in The Land of The Midnight Sun
Mood:

vegas lucky
Topic: "Yankee Ingenuity"
As the broadcast media grew after World War II, the outrageousness of on-the-air escapades became legendary. "Disc Jockeys" and Comedy entertainers became famous for their telephone calls to unsuspecting people, and the resulting on-air byplay. Soon, newsmen initiated exposes' of scams and shady operators by bringing along a cameraman whenever they decided to drop in, unannounced, on a mechanic or a government contractor. Frodo never really understood why most of these became passe', but it probably had something to do with somebody who had graduated from a Law School who was not fast enough to catch an ambulance.

What did happen is that crooks got smarter. No longer do we see the guys from "60 Minutes" burst into the offices of some mail-order diploma mill in New Jersey. After trying that several dozen times, it finally dawned on the crooks to simply not say anything, or to avoid appearing on camera altogether.

This evening, "60 Minutes" tackled the "war profiteers" involved in the Pre-Emptive War in Iraq. The subject firm, which included an unsuccessful Republican candidate for the US House, had bid on and won multi-million dollar contracts even though they had no assets, and no experience in the field of endeavor. When the first contract was concluded, and deemed an "incompetent" performance by the agencies serviced, these guys turned around, bid on another contract, and got it. The upshot being that there was no facility established to properly monitor and evaluate these war-time procurements.

The President's proposed budget for the next fiscal year will cut $3.1 Billion in education programs, and more than $100 Million from energy conservation efforts. The budget will require some veterans to pay a fee for medical care. Overall, the Bush "Boner" will exceed revenue by more than $350 Billion, and bring the cumulative deficit to more than $9.3 Trillion (all payable in bearer bonds held by the People's Republic of China, and other expanding nations around the world).

As an aside, it is interesting to note that more than $7.5 Trillion of the total deficit accrued during the four years of "Bush I" and the 5 years of "Bush II."

This morning, David Gergen, who served four Presidents (including "Bush I"), stated that "Republicans are better at selling their message, and Democrats are much better at managing government." Frodo feels, non-partisaningly, that that is an understatement, at best.

Frodo really wishes that Steve Allen were still around. We can hear him now:

"Hello, is this the White House in Washington?"

"Wonderful. Well, I'd like to speak with someone about getting a government contract."

"Oh, it doesn't matter, just anything you need done, we can handle it."

"Yes, my company is 'Allen Enterprises.' Perhaps you've seen our advertising symbol on billboards? It is a big 'A'."

"Can you arrange an appointment for us to discuss this with, say, the Vice President?"

"Well, can you connect me with his office, and I'll see if I can just drag my big 'A' down there and swap lies with Dick."

(laughter).

Frodo vaguely recalls the clarification subsequently added to the words of the former Premier of the Soviet Union, S. Nikita Khruschev, who was quoted as saying "We Will Bury You." Actually, he is correctly quoted as saying such, but adding the word "Economically." Frodo wonders if he knew that George W. Bush was in the wings.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:30 PM EST

Updated: Sunday, February 12, 2006 8:33 PM EST

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Friday, February 10, 2006

Come On a My House My House a Come On
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "Black Jack"
"I don't know that man," said Sauron.

"Mr. President, aren't there a whole passel of pictures of you and him together?"

"Boy, I told you I have my picture taken with lots of people for lots a reasons. I don't remember that fella at all," insisted the smirking Veteran of the Texas Air National Guard.

"Sir, he made sizable personal political contributions to your Presidential Campaign."

"Well, so did lots of good people, all over this country. People who wanted good government, not people lookin' for favors. I have no recollections of ever meetin' him, and we're donatin' that money to a worthy charity," he said while standing under his "Mission Accomplished" banner.

"With all due respect, he has been invited to the White House for several functions since early in your first term."

"Do you have any idea how many people get invited to the White House for a handshake and a photo? I mean, it's not like somebody bein' invited to spend the night in the Lincoln Bedroom, or back at the ranch. I do not know this fella," he argued while wiping the dust off of the frame surrounding Saddam Hussein's personal sidearm.

Press Secretary Frodo paused.

"Well, cat gotcher tongue?," grinned the smirking mountain biker in his Speed-O briefs.

"Mr. President, Jack Abramoff says you invited him to the ranch in Crawford for the weekend."

Sauron paused. Little beads of sweat formed around his narrow lips, and his tongue darted between his teeth as he wrestled with a response.

"Oh, you mean Black Jack? Hell Boy, I thought you were talkin' about one of these Worshington-type lobbyists. Ole Black Jack and me go back a ways cause we both like to play cards. I think he used to call me "the Royal Straight," cause I never cheated anybody."

"Does that mean Sir, that your previous statements on the matter are "inoperative?"

Expletive deleted.

The remaining 18 and a-half minutes of this taped transcript were accidentally erased. The White House has issued a statement suggesting that the erasure was the result of a "terrorist" act.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:39 PM EST

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Thursday, February 9, 2006

Through It All I Did It My Way
Mood:

suave
Topic: "Ken Meets Jack"
One year before Enron went belly up, Jack Abramoff was introduced to the firm as a potential source of assistance. In an e-mail dated December 19, 2000, the following was presented to Richard Shapiro, Enron's top lobbyist, by a consultant who, conveniently, was on the payroll of both Enron and Jack Abramoff:

"abramoff is arguably the most influential and effective gop lobbyist in congress. i share several clients with him and have yet to see him lose a battle. he also is close to Delay and could help enormously."

The author of this "lower case e-mail" is Ralph Reed, candidate for the Republican nomination for Lieutenant Governor in the State of Georgia. The e-mail resulted in lunches in which Abramoff sat across the table from Enron executives.

No details of the Abramoff-Enron meetings could be found.

This past week, Jared Thomas, the campaign manager for Ralph Reed, disputed the contents of Reed's own e-mail by denying the "shared" clients with Abramoff.

Reed, of course, defeated an Alabama gambling initiative which ended up benefiting an Abramoff client, the Choctaw Indian tribe casinos across the state line in Mississippi. Concomitantly, Reed started an anti-gambling campaign in Texas funded by another Abramoff client, the Coushatta Indian tribe casinos in Louisiana. Reed was compensated, to the tune of millions of dollars, by Abramoff from the clients he represented.

Reed denies knowing that the money was from gambling sources.

Reed has not returned the money.

Frodo reports these events factually. Frodo hopes that Georgia Republicans do nominate Ralph Reed for the Office of Lieutenant Governor. In fact, since Georgia has an "open primary," Frodo plans to cast his own vote for Ralph Reed in the Republican primary. The desired result being Ralph Reed as the Republican candidate supported only by the die-hard bigoted partisan nut-cakes who believe in this piece of dog poop (with appropriate apologies to "Mick," "Fiona," and "Georgia"). Frodo still believes in the wisdom of the voter--but sometimes you just have to maneuver things around a bit.

Ralph Reed, by the way, was not seen at the funeral of Coretta Scott King.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:55 PM EST

Updated: Saturday, February 11, 2006 12:02 PM EST

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Wednesday, February 8, 2006

I Wanna Dance With Somebody, I Wanna Feel The Heat With Somebody
Mood:

on fire
Topic: "Road to Damascus"
Frodo has seemingly always been aware that, although "all roads lead to Rome," somebody consistently seems to be "on the road to Damascus." Frodo cannot recall anybody ever saying that they were actually in Damascus, but that they were, indeed, on the way. Paul the Apostle, Bob Hope and Bing Crosby, and even Charles Kuralt come to mind as travelers on their way to the mystical-sounding city named in the "Arabian Nights" of Frodo's earliest reading adventures. Damascus, Frodo fears, is much more than an escapist destination in these troubling times.

Clueless Secretary of State Rice today identified Syria and Iran as instigators, as distinguished from insurgents, in the violence sweeping the Muslim world over the depiction of the Prophet Mohammed in cartoons published in certain European newspapers. Caucasians from around the world have seemingly been shocked at the depth of the outrage. Frodo has noticed that Americans, most of all, have been mystified that a religion which seemingly has no problem with beheadings and murder should get all worked up over a cartoon. After all, their own President is a true comic figure and is depicted as everything from a dunce to a puppet to a storm trooper by cartoonists, be they domestic or foreign.

It amazes Frodo how much Americans have learned about Middle Eastern culture in such a short time. Think, dear reader, how many words have been added to the standard vocabulary in just the past few years. Sunni, Kurd, Shiite, insurgent, embedded, Mullah, IED, WMD, RPG, Kevlar, Halliburton, and even Koran are a dozen examples of things which even residents of Texas can now define.

What worries Frodo most of all is that Americans will soon be on the road to Damascus, and that they will find that it is indeed a journey without end.

The fact that values differ among peoples is something that one learns from travel. Had George W. Bush ever traveled outside the US of A before he morphed into Sauron, he might have further considered an attempt to impose a whole new set of governmental responsibilities on the peoples of Iraq. The road from there to Damascus is a toll road, and travelers find it to be very expensive.

Yes, Americans have learned much about Middle Eastern culture, but the dance beat in the streets is not Whitney Houston. It is the tolling of bells.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:01 PM EST

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Tuesday, February 7, 2006

We Are Not Afraid Today
Mood:

lucky
Topic: "Thunder Road"
In the time before Interstate Highways, travel by motorcar was perilous enough. Gas stations were few and far between. Kemmons Wilson had just come up with the idea of "motels," and places to spend the night did not exist outside cities and good-sized towns. It was an ominous experience for Frodo and his family, but it was a dangerous one for black people.

Frodo knows the story is true, so listen dear reader, and do not be afraid.

The two ministers from Atlanta were on their way to Kentucky on business. There were no commercial establishments which would provide them rest on their two-day sojourn. They knew however, of a place in Tennessee, in a town called New Market, and it was called the Highlander Center. They knew that the people who maintained the Center were interested in preserving the culture and the heritage of the people who inhabited the Southern Highlands. They were different from their neighbors. Before there were such words, these people were "beatnicks," or "hippies." To many of their neighbors they were "Communists." The Highlander Center had suffered numerous bombings and acts of arson. The State of Tennessee had moved in Federal Court to demolish this gathering spot for "gentle people, with flowers in their hair."

The ministers pulled in to the Highlander Center seeking food and shelter. The fact that they were black had little impact on their hosts. After dinner, and before bed, the residents gathered around an open fire and sang spirituals. Frodo can close his eyes and hear the tune of "A Closer Walk With Thee," even now.

The next day the ministers headed off for their destination in the Bluegrass State. Before long, one turned to the other and he said, "Ya know Ralph, I just can't get that one song out of my mind."

Ralph David Abernathy and Martin Luther King, Jr. had been introduced to the tune "We Shall Overcome" by a bunch of white boys.

There remains a small white Hobbit who hums that tune every time he passes Knoxville heading North on Interstate 40 before he gets to Dollywood. Tonight he will hum that tune for Coretta.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:42 PM EST

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Monday, February 6, 2006

'Cause You See I'm on a Losin' Streak
Mood:

surprised
Topic: "Play Melancholy Baby"
Frodo first saw Mick Jagger after he saw Patti LaBelle and the Bluebells. Frodo watched as the stage was pelted with jelly beans, and he compared it to women handing bouquets of flowers to Elvis Presley. It was a seminal mixture of "American music" and "British rock," and the Rolling Stones were to participate as a catalytic agent over the next forty years.

All of this reflection seems appropriate after watching "the Stones" perform three songs during half-time of yesterday's Super Bowl. With a five second pause between lyric and playback, Frodo remembered, eerily, the first television appearances of Presley, and the apparent absence of the lower portion of his torso.

Frodo made a point of watching "the Stones" when he heard the talking head say that not a single one of the Pittsburgh Steelers asked was able to identify even a single song ever performed by The Rolling Stones.

Let's come back in another forty years and see if anyone participating in the 80th Super Bowl Halftime Show can name a single member of the Pittsburgh Steelers who won yesterday's game. Despite the obstacles of time, Frodo promises to be there and to watch the proceedings even if he has to remove obstructions from his cloud.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:14 PM EST

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Sunday, February 5, 2006

What's Love But a Second Hand Emotion
Mood:

don't ask
Topic: "War on Tara"
Frodo believes that sometimes things just get out of the realm of the rational. This past week, in Vonore, Tennessee, the alert was elevated to red.

Two male fourth-graders at Vonore Elementary School were suspended after School Resources Officer (Now, before we go on, do you have any idea what a "School Resources Officer" might be expected to do? Neither does Frodo.) Dean Norton discovered their "death list." Norton said he was taking the threat seriously and has formally charged the two students with commission of an "act of terrorism."

The list seized from the two students consisted of 56 names. Some of the names were of fellow students, some of their teachers, celebrities from the worlds of sports and music, fictional characters, "every single cop in the world," and "all cats."

Frodo questioned the validity of the count since he is nearly sure that there are more than 56 cats in the universe.

Director of Schools Mitch Millsaps subsequently stated that the list "was not a zero tolerance offense."

Frodo agrees that the production of a "death list" is probably not a good idea, but he recalls that at a comparable time in his life there were also a number of individuals for whom he had little use. Some of them would have been teachers, and some of them would have been fellow Hobbits at the Elementary School of the Shire. Frodo's list would certainly have included the neighbor's cat, Sassafras, a Siamese, who was solely responsible for an unfettered increase in the number of unwanted kittens in the Shire.

If Frodo were in authority at Vonore Elementary School, he would suggest to the young students that they familiarize themselves with the Old Testament Book of Job, and that, in the future, when they create lists of individuals, fictional or otherwise, that the pustules would be a much more fitting punishment than simple death.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:36 PM EST

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Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Got a New Set of Clothes, A Pretty Red Rose, And a Woman I Can Call My Friend
Mood:

spacey
Topic: "Punxatawney Bush"
Every year, it seems, George W. Bush outlines his plans for the future right about the time that the ground hog sees his shadow, followed by six more weeks of winter. Frodo believes there is a relationship between such mythology and politicians. Nancy Reagan, for example, was such a believer in astrological charts that she timed many of her husband's activities to the movement of the stars (for purposes of clarification, Frodo is not referring to public figures in Hollywood). The result being that Reagan was dubbed "The Teflon President," because none of his errors or bumblings associated themselves with his public persona.

George W. Bush cannot seem to escape the "six week window of opportunity" that characterizes his administration. Last year, Sauron stated that he was going to "reform Social Security." For the next six weeks, he attended every convention of white hand-picked dullards in all the land, and preached to them about his noble plan. When that didn't work, he saw his shadow and retreated.

Soon thereafter Sauron decided that Harriet Miers would be an outstanding Supreme Court Justice. For the next six weeks he appeared before every hand-picked, overweight and senile body still breathing in order to convince them to "trust" his judgment. When that failed, he disappeared for six more weeks.

Most recently, he emerged from his burrow in Crawford in order to encourage his fellow citizens to "stay the course" in the Pre-emptive War in Iraq. The spectre of continually falling approval ratings allowed him to concentrate on preparations for yesterday's pronouncements while hiding since mid-December.

Frodo was surprised only by the fact that there was not one single original thought in anything he had to say. Ethanol, been there, done that; R&D tax breaks, been around since Carter; more teachers in science and math, mentioned by Eisenhower; and reforming healthcare, that was Harry Truman at first blush.

Now he's seen his shadow again, so it'll be about six weeks until he gets warmed up to start stomping grapes in front of his hand-picked idolaters.

"What's that you say, Mr. Frodo?"

"Yeah, I guess that's true. When he smirks he even looks like a ground hog."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:52 PM EST

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