Frodo, Keeper of the Ring

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Every Stop Is Neatly Planned For a Poet And a One-Man Band
Mood:

celebratory
Topic: "I'm Baaack" (2)
The gentleman and his wife sat all alone at an over-sized table adjacent to the buffet on Deck 11. Frodo and Sam were unable to find other available seating as they waited to be notified that their stateroom was available. Frodo asked the gentleman if he and Sam could join them while they ate their lunch. The man gestured to the vacant chairs and stated "Ist Frei." Given his masterful command of the German language, Frodo immediately knew that he and Sam had been invited to sit and eat.

The gentleman began to launch a series of interrogatories in Frodo's direction which seemed to somehow involve both Frodo's nationality and his knowledge of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Remembering approximately 50 nouns, 25 verbs, and a few colloquial expressions, Frodo commenced to introduce Sam to the couple from Goslar, Germany. Eventually Frodo was able to comprehend the facts that the gentleman had recently retired as Chief Homicide Inspector for the Federal Republic of Germany, that his daughter was now living in California, that he was a great admirer of Schwarzenegger, and that he thought George W. Bush was an absolute disaster.

Frodo was unable to convince the gentleman that his primary duty was to destroy the ring. The gentleman seemed to believe, given Frodo's broken grammar, that Frodo was an attorney. Frodo did everything he could to prevent the gentleman from thinking so ill of Frodo.

During the somewhat awkward conversation Frodo was able to engage the gentleman in several commentaries about life in Germany during the first quarter of the Twenty-First Century. Frodo learned that one of the biggest concerns held by Germans dealt with the issue of Immigration Reform. Somehow, Frodo had never imagined that Germany and Mexico were even aware that each other even existed. It seems that the problem in Germany actually has to do with the absorption of residents of what was formerly East Germany into a unified Germany.

The Communist Deutsche Demokratische Republik (DDR) had poorer roads, poorer public transportation, poorer schools, poorer health care, fewer jobs, fewer firefighters, and fewer public toilets than did its' counterpart in West Germany. The result, today, is that an extremely large portion of public funds go into the improvement of these public services in the formerly Communist sector, and most of those public funds are the taxes paid by current residents of the formerly Western Sector. Roads, schools, and other public services in the West suffer.

Frodo was talking to one slightly-pissed German taxpayer. In truth, this gentleman could have been any one of thousands of current residents in North Fulton County, Georgia, in the US of A. People who believe that their taxes go to subsidize someone else, while their needs are ignored by government. Frodo listened intently, while Sam smiled and continued to attack a salad with sufficient ferocity to constantly ensure a full mouth. Sam's knowledge of German begins and ends with the exchange rate, and how it impacts the capacity to purchase Birkenstocks.

Finally the signal was given that staterooms were available, so the travelers shook hands and headed in different directions. It is a smaller world every time one is reminded that different languages and longitudes are the only difference between Hobbits. Paying bills, providing for the family, planning for the future, remembering the past; these are things Frodo has in common even with soon-to-be unemployed Republican officeholders.

How sweet it is.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:05 PM EST

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Thursday, November 2, 2006

I'll Be Gone Five Hundred Miles When The Day Is Done
Mood:

lucky
Topic: "All Bets Are In" (2)
Frodo departs the Shire once again. A friend has told him that those whom he will visit are very angry with both Americans and Israelis. Frodo understands that anger.

An election will take place while Frodo is gone. It is an important election, but it is an election that has already been decided, at least that is Frodo's opinion. Frodo believes that anytime a large number of political incumbents are threatened, it is not the result of voters making a snap decision because they are unfamiliar with the candidates. It is an informed decision, a decision that reflects strongly held feelings.

The pollsters tell us that this evil, misguided, unnecessary war is the prime concern of the electorate, and that the loss of both Houses of Congress would be a stinging defeat for the President. Frodo accepts that theorem.

Frodo and Sam have already voted. When the election results are tabulated, Frodo and Sam will be amongst those people who are angry at Americans and Israelis. It will be a good time for Frodo to share a glass of wine with people whose ancestors first brought civilization to the Western World. Frodo will carry the message that it will not be his homeland that destroys that great gift.

It will be a good day when Frodo again returns to the Shire.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:50 PM EST

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Wednesday, November 1, 2006

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News, I've Got a Bad Case of Lovin' You
Mood:

suave
Topic: "Garland Duesenberry" (2)
Some years ago, when Frodo was concerned about how organizations achieved goals through people, as opposed to how they achieve goals in spite of people, he journeyed to a small town in Tennessee to observe a special phenomenon. Located in the community of Lynchburg the largest employer in an entire County is the Jack Daniels Distillery. The County, interestingly enough, is "dry," which means that retail alcoholic beverage sales are prohibited by law. Frodo had earlier learned that the Jack Daniels Company had never been unionized and, what's more, in the entire history of the company no employee had ever been dismissed for cause, i.e. fired. Frodo wanted to know how all of this came together and what, if anything, it meant to the outside world.

Garland Duesenberry was the tour guide for Frodo and Sam. He had worked there his entire life, and he was an able and erudite spokesmen for his employer. Throughout the tour, Mr. Duesenberry was quick to emphasize the pride in the product exhibited by the workers. Frodo was increasingly skeptical because of the apparent hypocrisy. How could there be pride in a product which the voters felt should be necessarily restricted in their community?

Toward the end of the tour, Frodo and Sam were led into a room with a long rolling conveyor belt, along which were seated dozens of middle-aged ladies. Bottles were passing along the conveyor belt (much like the chocolates passed in front of Lucy & Ethel on black & white TV), and the ladies were pasting the Jack Daniels label on each bottle, by hand. Suddenly a whistle was heard through a loudspeaker, and the conveyor belt ceased to move. Frodo then noted that each lady had a quilt on her lap, which she immediately pulled up and on which she began to sew, embroider, or whatever one does to work on a quilt. A cacophony of dialogue arose as conversation between the ladies continued for several minutes. Just as suddenly the whistle sounded and the conveyor belt began, again, to move. The ladies each returned the quilt to the lap, and silently continued to slap labels onto bottles.

Frodo stood there for a half-an-hour in order to observe the cycle several times. The ladies appeared to be doing their jobs flawlessly, and the belt moved on a consistent schedule. Not one single lady seemed bored, disenchanted, exhausted, or frustrated. In fact, they seemed, each of them, to be enjoying themselves.

Mr. Duesenberry stood with Frodo the entire time. He had seen the look that was on Frodo's face many times before, and waited for the questions that followed. When the tour was complete, and Frodo and Sam had returned to their motorcar, Frodo was rambling on about the admirable relationship between management and managed, and how every MBA school in America should schedule a visit to observe the manufacture of an outstanding product by a company that was a community, and that behaved like a community.

Today, amid all the pre-election posturing, Frodo heard an economist talk about the savings that American corporate entities will reap in years to come as more and more administrative positions are out-sourced to overseas operations. The ballooning corporate profits of the third quarter will be extended by the savings that further outsourcing will provide. Every time he hears comments like this he thinks back to his tour of the Jack Daniels Distillery.

Frodo understands that the conveyor belt is still there, but the ladies are all gone.

Garland Duesenberry passed away some time ago. No one has taken his place. The County is still "dry." Maybe the MBA schools did come and study the Distillery, and perhaps that is the "rub."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:34 PM EST

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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Together We'll See It Much Better
Mood:

sharp
Topic: "Date With David" (2)

Frodo has had the very good fortune to have personally observed DaVinci's "Mona Lisa," perhaps the most famous painting on canvas in all of human history. Frodo has looked upon the burial mask of Tutankhamun, and marveled at what is surely the most spectacular creation in precious metals ever made by Man. In a few short days Frodo and Sam will hopefully stand in front of the single most important piece of sculpture ever. Frodo, a mere Hobbit, will gaze upon the 17 foot-tall naked man named "David," created by Michelangelo, in a venue as daunting as the journey itself.

The gallant Howard is no more, and Sam has handled the grief with characteristic aplomb, but even Sam acknowledges the pain of loss. Frodo was unable to convince Sam that a new hat would temper the memories. Frodo proposed that Mount Doom would still be there if the Hobbits merely changed their course in order to absorb a view other than the summit before them. "Besides," said Frodo, " we can cast absentee ballots for the first time, thereby assuring that the other side will have to catch up, if they can."

So Sam and Frodo will depart on Friday next, and not return until the November 15th that follows. That leaves just a few days to prepare, and only one or two more chronicles before departure. Venice and Florence, a Greek Isle or three, and the heralded view at Dubrovnik are on the agenda of the wayward inheritors of the winds of Odysseus. Frodo will spend much time looking for Scylla, the Minotaur, and the Isle of Lesbos. The characters therein were the first to imprint on the mind of the young Frodo, and he has long dreamed of the spray on his face and Neptune's trident on the horizon. Sam will make friends with people from many parts of Middle Earth, for that is Sam's way, leaving no designer of fashion and jewelry untouched by the opportunity to increase his wealth.

The Shire will be protected, and the true inhabitants cared for by kennel and house-sitter. The feeders will be filled, the baths and ponds all drawn, and Frodo feels relatively secure that even Sauron couldn't start another war in less than two weeks.

He couldn't, could he?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:10 PM EST

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Monday, October 30, 2006

I Can Still Hear You Sayin', Never Break The Chain
Mood:

blue
Lance Corporal James W. Higgins, 22, of Thurmont, Maryland, was struck by insurgent rifle fire on a desert plain just outside of Fallujah. The bullet pierced the right side of his back, and tore diagonally across his body before exiting in the front of his chest. His diaphragm was torn off, his liver damaged, a lung had collapsed, and his chest cavity was full of blood. The bullet clipped the right atrium of his heart in two places and blood had surrounded the muscles of his heart. His heart had stopped while he was being loaded into the helicopter, and the Medics pumped his chest until they landed at Camp Taqqadum.

Three pairs of hands plunged into Higgins' chest and abdomen. Commander Subrato Deb, 42, of Alexandria, Virginia, drained the blood around the heart, then raced to sew up the first hole, until he noticed the second, much larger, hole. He yelled to a surprised Medic to hand him a urinary catheter, which he used to block the second hole and then to pump fresh blood back into the Marine's heart. Lieutenant Commander Barbara Drobina grabbed the heart and began to massage it back into a rhythm by gently and firmly pressing. She had never done such a procedure before. Captain H.R. Bowman, of Oceanside, California, was the Senior Surgeon who was trying desperately to cut off the internal bleeding into the chest cavity.

"Am I doing it right," is what Drobina kept asking the others, over and over. A monitor began to register and Drobina could feel a rhythm in her fingers.

Navy Chaplain Wilfredo Rodriguez, of Brunswick, New Jersey, was silently reading in the background: "Of his great mercy, may he forgive you your sins, release you from suffering and restore you to wholeness and strength. . .," then he stepped forward to help. He took the bag of blood being held aloft by the doctor who had held each of the previous 17 units pumped into the Marine.

For five minutes the heart continued to beat. Then it stopped.

The surgeons knew that the end was near.

The doctors and medics finally took their hands away from the body. Covered in dark blood, they bowed their heads while Rodriguez began reading: "Into your hands, O merciful savior, we commend your servant. . .a sheep of your own fold, a lamb of your own flock. . .May his soul and the souls of all the departed. . .rest in peace."

As the doctors moved away, the Medics moved in to clean the body and to stitch the wounds together. Outside, Marine Sergeant Timothy Cord, 22, of Provo, Utah, loaded his M-16 rifle and stood guard beside the body.

As the body of the angel was taken to the morgue, Subrato Deb stood in the shower. Bohman and Rodriguez had gone off together to pray. Cord went to his room, and played his guitar.

Lance Corporal Higgins died on July 27, 2006. He is buried at the Resthaven Memorial Garden in Frederick, Maryland, a few miles from his home.

Frodo wanted to make a point. . .but it has already been made.

Damn. Damn. Damn.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:12 PM EST

Updated: Tuesday, October 31, 2006 9:12 PM EST

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Sunday, October 29, 2006

It's My Life And I'll Do What I Want
Mood:

vegas lucky
Topic: "Debits on the Left?" (2)

Frodo, who never apologizes for speaking his mind, apologized for rounding off figures when he spoke about the "National Debt." "The numbers are astronomical, " he said, "and it is like offering a $25 Million Dollar reward for the capture of Osama bin Laden. The powers that be might be better off to simply offer a reward of $100,000 because that is a number that is on the mental register. So please pardon Frodo for simply rounding in order to make a point comprehensible."

"When Ronald Reagan became President of the United States, the cumulative budget deficit of the US of A was approximately one-quarter of a trillion dollars," said Frodo. "When he left office eight years later, that same figure had risen to one trillion dollars."

"Four years later," he added, "when George H. W. Bush was voted out-of-office, the cumulative figure had risen to four trillion dollars. Those numbers, along the way, convinced him that his pledge of 'No New Taxes' was an impossibility, and cost him his re-election."

"After eight years of a Clinton Presidency," our historical economist-in-residence proffered, "the growth of the deficit was reduced to the point that the cumulative figure left for George W. Bush when he took office was almost exactly 5 trillion dollars. Today, the total deficit sits somewhere beyond 6 trillion dollars."

"The issue, for all the world, is that this deficit is being funded from two primary sources, and that is the investment by foreign governments in the full faith and integrity of the US of A, and the 'anticipated' growth in revenue from future generations of American taxpayers," Frodo inhaled as he departed from this background data into his major point of discussion. "The continued growth in the deficit, because it is growing so fast, will intersect with the total wealth of all the citizens and institutions of the US of A when it reaches $46 trillion."

Frodo looked out over the audience, some of whom were still awake, and he said, "My dear friends, that confluence will occur before the year 2040. It means that we will have reached a point at which the US of A will have nothing more against which it could pledge its full faith and integrity." The audience, even those groggily wondering who had won the Jets game, breathed openly. Everyone had mentally calculated that within one generation, given the facts as they now exist, the US of A would be bankrupt. The prediction, made so long ago by Soviet Premier Nikita Krushchev, that the US of A would by 'buried' by its' enemies now exists within the reality of a single life-time.

As several hands raised, Frodo dismissed them with a single cautionary reference. "My friends," he said, "these words are not mine, they are the words of the Chairman of the GAO (nee Government Accounting Office, now Government Accountability Office), the highest ranking accountant in our Nation, and a non-partisan."

When Frodo walked out into the night air, he contemplated what life would be like in this land at that time, and if he were, indeed, the only one who will not be here, but who still gives a damn. Frodo decided that it was time to again cross over the borders and to talk with people outside his native land.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:12 PM EDT

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Thursday, October 26, 2006

Go On, Take The Money And Run
Mood:

quizzical
Topic: "Tweety Pie" (2)

Guillermo Aguirre-Zabiala, a high school student in Argentina, was out for a stroll some time back when he happened upon a fossil stuck in a rock outcropping near his home. Now identified as a previously unknown offshoot of extinct birds known as "phorusrhacids," or "terror birds," it is the largest bird ever known to have existed. It weighed, in its' time, about 400 pounds, and preyed on rodents the size of sheep.

Paleontologists at the Los Angeles County Natural History Museum, who examined the fossil, believe that the creature, although not able to fly, was quite speedy afoot. The beak was hooked to allow the slashing destruction of prey. The best news about Big Bird is that he disappeared from the Patagonian steppes about 15 million years ago.

Frodo was mildly interested in the discovery, but he was particularly struck by the "life-shaping" impact on the discoveror, Sr. Aguirre-Zabiala. The impressionable young man changed his major studies from psychology to paleontology and earth science as a result of his involvement in the discovery. Frodo thinks it is very noble that the young man should take such an interest in science, but to change his whole life as a result? Frodo supposes it is a good thing that Guillermo did not happen to discover a keg of ancient wine fermented by early European explorers. Imagine what might have happened to a sincere and intelligent young man like this had he otherwise have stumbled upon a cache of buried treasure?

He would probably have become a Republican.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:31 PM EDT

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Ya Gotta Swing Your Hips Now, That's Right, You're Showin' Fine
Mood:

loud
Topic: "Purple Pill Please" (2)

Frodo has publicly announced his intention to separate the head from the torso of the individual who first decided to broadcast television commercials for pharmaceuticals during the dinner hour. In the true spirit of capitalism, Frodo has also promised never to purchase the product "Nexium" (i.e., the "purple pill") even if bile discharge should appear in his own gullet. True revolutionaries have to be prepared for personal sacrifice.

Feminine hygiene products, cat litter, erectile dysfunction assistance, and foot odor eaters are other popular subjects for broadcast at 6:30 EST (4:30 in the Mountain Time Zone). No network, cable affiliate, or independent station has operated free of the gross and disgusting advertising presentations during either the Evening News or the re-broadcast of a re-broadcast of a syndicated comedy re-run (Is that really John Travolta?). Frodo truly thought that things could not get even more tasteless.

Remember, dear reader, the little old lady used in the political commercials, Clara somebody-or-other, who screamed "Where's the Beef?' Now that was funny, regardless of whether or not the advertisement was for or against anyone in particular, it was funny, and it got a point across. Try, dear reader, to match the creative application of humor to today's political landscape, and the truly concerned adult looks directly into the face of political bathroom humor. It will not surprise Frodo at all to soon see a commercial taking note of a political opponent subtly attempting to pass gas. It will be "aired" during Frodo's dinner.

The Republican National Committee, and the sly jokester Ken Mehlman, today pulled the advertisement used to attack Democratic Senatorial Candidate Harold Ford. The suggestive comments of a "white" woman regarding a "black" man got extensive media play for three or four days in a "southern border state." The assumption being that those potential voters who would be offended by this violation of the literally-interpreted prohibitions in the Book of Leviticus had been titillated by this presentation from the "low ground." This may prove to be the most widely-referenced political ad in the future histories of these mid-term elections. Its' one redeeming virtue is noted by the fact that it will not ever again appear on Frodo's TV during the dinner hour. If only the 15,394 equally offensively-repeated presentations could go with it, and never again attempt to anger, titillate, amuse, or (Heaven Forbid) inform anyone ever again. And may their Creators form a single line from the platform of Frodo's personal guillotine, so that Frodo never again will wish that he could suffer another "Nexium" commercial in lieu of one more look at the pudgy countenance of Sonny, the "TooDoo."

For you non-Georgians, don't ask!

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:53 PM EDT

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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

How Long Has This Been Goin' On
Mood:

cheeky
Topic: "A Course is a Course"(2)

President George Walker (Armstrong Custer) Bush has recently initiated a course in remedial elocution for the Citizens of Middle Earth. His theme in the Course has been that what the citizens hear is not what is being communicated. Had the public not been distracted by those who choose to "cut and run," they would have understood that what was being said is not what they heard.

Frodo has offered to help make the point for the President. Frodo suggested that we start with the recently compromised Un-Policy statement, "Stay the Course." Any truly cognizant listener would have quickly surmised that the President actiually meant "Play the Horse." The President was endorsing pari-mutuel betting to help States reduce their dependence on Federal largesse. Sam, who is sometimes a bit too argumentative on matters such as these, pointed out that the President actually said "Slay the Norse," which was a reference to the growing tensions with the socialists of Scandinavia. Boromir phoned in to correct both Frodo and Sam with his interpretation that Bush had called for a "Gray Porsche," perhaps in preparation for his next scheduled backrub for the German Prime Minister. Merry sent in an e-mail from South Carolina and told all that our Leader had specified that listeners should "Belay the Force," in their continuing efforts to overcome evil influences in Mordor.

It was quickly becoming clear that the Un-Policy had been widely interpreted, and thereby required corrective definition by the "Great Communicator" from Crawford. The best example of this need was Pippin's allegation that the real message had been to "Delay the Borscht," which truly makes no sense whatsoever, but adequately reflected the fact that the audience was running out of rhyme.

Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow, who serves as the point of coordination for re-phraseology and definitive adjustments, asked only that we all bow our heads and "Pray for the Source."

Amen.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:25 PM EDT

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Monday, October 23, 2006

If You Think This Is Just a Game, I Ain't Playin'
Mood:

chillin'
Topic: "West Wing Redux" (2)

Jimmy Smits as Barack Obama and Alan Alda as John McCain, is that weird or not? "Does this mean," asked Frodo, "that John McCain will end up being Secretary of State?" Actually, that is almost as remote a concept as is the departure of George W. Bush, played by Martin Sheen, as a melancholy scene. Nearly every Citizen of Middle Earth is already planning for the celebration to accompany that stupendous day when the Incomparable Moron returns to the one activity for which he was truly brought to life, and that is clearing brush.

In the movie "Wag the Dog," the beret-wearing groupie pre-dated the actual appearance of Ms. Monica Lewinsky by more than a year. Now it is difficult to ignore the physical similarity between the actor, Smits, and the politician, Obama. Add in the facts that both reflect recent ethnic immigration to this great land, and both exhibit limited experience in the legislative scenario, then the dialogue itself in the "West Wing" begins to echo in memory. Is it possible that the very talented production team simply took a wild-assed gamble, and that it paid off? Or is there a wider conspiracy?

Frodo believes it is all about Hope, and that is no reference to a whistle-stop community in Arkansas. Our realities may indeed reference our fantasies, and our dreams, it logically follows, can come true. Behavioral Scientists will caution us not to put too much faith into the conduct of a single leader, no matter how noble and just he may appear because, above all else, he too is only human (or Halfling). Perhaps that is sage advice, and Frodo agrees that putting too much trust gives too much power. What, though, is life without passion, and the future without dreams of better days ahead?

When he started these dialogues Frodo naturally identified those in the Fellowship, and Sauron was immediately discernible. The Elves and the Dwarves, the Men of Gondor and the Riders of Rohan, yes and even the Orcs were also cast upon his stage. Only Aragorn has stood in the wings, waiting to be cued.

Enter Sir, stage left, Frodo and his friends await.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:48 PM EDT

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