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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"A-Train"
"AAARRRGGGHH" (6)
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Balls"(10)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"bitch,bitch,bitch"(6)
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Bushenomics"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Checkmate"(5)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Colosseum"
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"DevelopmentalStudies"(4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"DroughtExitStragedy"(3)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"ERA"
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hatfield-vs-McCoy"
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Homeless"
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"Impregnated"(10)
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"MatriculationMadness"(5)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"McCan't"(9)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Memories"(10)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mudbums"(9)
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"Nevermore"(6)
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"Nkosi"
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
"Number One" (3)
"Number Please?"(7)
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"Where's my puppy?"(4)
"Where's the Beef?"
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Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
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Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Monday, February 26, 2007
I Guess You're Just What I Needed
Mood:  suave
Topic: "And the Winner Is" (2)

"Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Mr. Frodo, and tonight I will be hosting the 60th Annual Art History Awards.  That's right, tonight several truly gifted artists will be recognized for their achievements when they receive the prized 'Felix' to mark their place among their peers.  The Awards are voted upon by the members of the Academy, and the results tabulated by abacus before placement in a mayonnaise jar which is maintained on the front porch at Funk & Wagnalls'."

"Yes Mr. Frodo, and welcome to you and to each of our guests visiting us here at the Tower of Cirith Ungol," said Shelob, who eyed Frodo from her web.

"Well, let us not delay, for we have many awards, and the time available should be the property of the award winners.  May I have the first envelope please?"

"Mr Frodo, this first envelope recognizes the most outstanding performance by an artist in a free-standing environment," said Shelob.  "The nominees include Michelangelo, for the Sistine Chapel. . ."

"50 Cent, for the graffiti on the side of the A-Train in the New York City Subway and. . ."

"Wyland, for the Great Whales on urban buildings across America. . ."

"And the winner is. . .oh, I'm so nervous. . .Michelangelo, for the Sistine Chapel."

"Thank you Shelob, thank you Mr. Frodo.  Thank you to all the members of the Academy.  Most of all I'd like to thank God and to all the little people who offered me so much support during my time painting on the ceiling."

"Wasn't that thrilling Shelob?"

"Oh yes Mr. Frodo, I'd just love to have that magnificent work all over the chambers of my den."

"Well, what's next?"

"This award Mr. Frodo is for the Most Statuesque Presentation in Stone."

"The nominees are Michelangelo, for the David. . ."

"Rodin, for the Thinker and. . ."

"My Lin, for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial."

"And the winner is. . .Michelangelo. . .for the David. . .all 17 feet of him."

"Thank you, once again, to the Academy and to all of you, including my Mother, who was there for me when no one else was.  I owe you everything."

144 commercials, and seven hours later. . .

"Mr. Frodo, how did the 'Felix' get its' name?"

"Shelob, it is only fitting that the Academy recognize one of the truly great combinations of artistic performance by multiple character actors.  The 'Felix' is the perfect combination to the 'Oscar.'

"This brings us to the final award for this evening, I believe, doesn't it Mr. Frodo?"

"Indeed it does, Shelob, and this award is for lifetime achievement in the Arts by a multi-functional performer."

"The nominees are Michelangelo. . ."

"Leonardo da Vinci. . ."

"Pablo Picasso. . ."

"Tupac Shakur and. . ."

"John Lennon."

"And the winner is. . ."  

 


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:39 PM EST
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Sunday, February 25, 2007
You've Got to Walk That Lonesome Valley
Mood:  down
Topic: "Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
Captain Kenneth Hutnick, Company H, 121st Infantry, Georgia Army National Guard, is a business friend of Frodo. This week he kissed each of his three daughters and his wife good-bye as he returned to Iraq for his second tour of duty. Each of these four young ladies has a different perspective on why Ken is leaving them again. Frodo felt it was important to merely reiterate what he was told about each of them.

Katie is 5, she doesn't remember Dad's first deployment, and after hearing Dad's promise that he would be back to walk her to school on her first day, she accepted the fact that he was merely "going to work."

Erin is 2, and proving that there is nothing terrible about being young enough to be oblivious to the comings-and-goings of people who love you so much.

Ashlyn is 27 days old, and Ken has timed his furlough to be here at this time. He holds and holds and holds the little one until he has to turn and go.

Suzanne kissed her husband good-bye on the front porch of their home in Alpharetta. She watched her father-in-law drive her husband to the Subway station, and she turned back to manage the tasks which would be her sole responsibility for months to come.

Ken is a big fan of Major Dick Winters, the true-life hero of Easy Company (101st Airborne) immortalized in "Band of Brothers." He and his father, a two-tour Vietnam Vet, talk military banter on their drive together. When the car stops, Ken steps out and looks back long enough to say "I love you Dad." His father immediately responds, "If you're going to be like Dick Winters, remember that he came home."

Frodo and his friend Ken might disagree a great deal about almost everything associated with this Pre-emptive War, its' management, its' consequences; frankly, Frodo does not know, and it would make no difference to him if he did.

Ken Hutnick is a good man and a good daddy. If anything happens to him, it will be an unfathomable loss to us all. To Frodo, this damn war is not worth that. To Ken, leaving is merely the first step in coming home.





Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:04 PM EST
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Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Hold On Loosely, But Don't Let Go
Mood:  down
Topic: "Scooter" (2)
Mick, the Wonder Dog, has lost every vestige of patience with Scooter. Despite the innocent appearance and joyful expressions, his constant intrusions upon the peace and serenity of the Shire require a defensive posture. Aggression follows when there is an attempt to mark or otherwise infringe upon that which is the responsibility of the Wonder Dog. Frodo feels exactly the same way.

Scooter was a foster dog who wormed his way into the heart of Frodo's next-door neighbor, and erstwhile write-in candidate for Governor, Mr. Steve. Scooter is entirely peaceful, and maintains the bearing of one who is above the baser instincts of canine behavior. The creatures of the Shire, including Mr. Beau Neau, have taken delight in his presence, and have even found ways to mutually enjoy each others' company. That is, until Scooter decided that unannounced drop-in visits to Frodo's garage were appropriate. Adding to that, the occasional calling card proved to be more than Mick, the Wonder Dog, was prepared to ignore.

About the same time, the trial of "Scooter" Libby commenced in Washington, D.C. Frodo, in his zeal for justice, was often heard to scream something like "Fry the Snotty Bastard!" whenever mention was made of Libby on TV. Association, Frodo supposes, is what caused Mick, the Wonder Dog, to perhaps confuse the mention of the Cheney cloak-and-dagger bagman, with the unannounced presence of their next door neighbor. In any event, relations between the two canines has gone steadily downhill.

Now, Mick, the Wonder Dog, stands guard before his garage doors whenever Scooter strolls down the driveway. A slight snarl from his upper lip reveals a shiny set of canine molars prepared for action. A rumbling from deep in his thorax causes the most mild-mannered to take note of his displeasure. Scooter (the next door neighbor) heads toward another neighbor's yard, seeking relief. Scooter (the snotty bastard) had best be forewarned; enter the Shire at thy own peril. If a Hobbit doesn't kick your butt, then a Wonder Dog has his own methodology for making your memory improve.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:49 PM EST
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Tuesday, February 20, 2007
I Know It Sounds Absurd, Please Tell Me Who I Am
Mood:  energetic
Topic: "Here Come da Judge" (2)
The NCAA has been making life very difficult for Colleges & Universities with team symbols and names which could be interpreted as demeaning, predominantly to Native Americans. The "Warriors," "Seminoles," "Chiefs," "Red Men," "Indians," and "Braves" are all team names for schools which the NCAA has threatened with sanctions and loss of scholarships if their use is continued. Frodo is not interested in matters such as this, simply because what is demeaning in some minds is flattery somewhere else. The best example being the Florida State "Seminoles," widely regarded among that tribe as a very positive image of an independent and determined people. What bothers Frodo however, is hypocrisy.

Dear reader, please consider for a moment the one position in the United States Government that is borne from the terminology used by Native American People. This one position is so highly regarded and recognized that the ultimate symbol of authority, by title, is cast upon the holder of that office. How can it be that in the instance of the United States Government it is okay to call someone by that title, but not okay for some college kid to be a member of a team bearing that title?

The answer is, to Frodo, that it is inconsistent. Frodo is therefore suggesting, nay, Frodo is demanding, that appropriate changes be made to that title so that all Americans are properly served and recognized. Degradation of people by adapting a title of honour and respect in the alien culture that destroyed their independence is arrogant and colonial. As it would be inappropriate to refer to the President of the United States as a Plantation Owner (even though there are distinct parallels), so it is in the instance identified by Frodo.

Figured it out, dear reader? If not, you'll understand why Roberts might be a little upset when Frodo starts calling him "Da Judge" and not "Chief".

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:07 PM EST
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Monday, February 19, 2007
There's an Old Piano And They Play It Hot Behind The Green Door
Mood:  chatty
Topic: "Citizen Soldiers" (2)
Stephen Ambrose wrote in "Citizen Soldiers," that the Germans and the British similarly replaced entire armies for rest. The Americans and the Red Army, he wrote, relied entirely on a system of replacements. By the time of the struggles in 1944-45, over fully half of all the front-line soldiers were individual replacements. The mixing of veteran and replacement in the same ranks became characteristic of the Americans, and spawned a plethora of new terminology and acronyms for the military; SNAFU and FNG come first to mind.

It must be recognized, specifically based on the review of these combat veterans, that there were flaws aplenty in the American methodology. It is not surprising that in today's military actions abroad, entire divisions come and go en masse between active duty and replenishment.

As stated many times, Frodo is not a soldier. Frodo, however, can't help but wonder, philosophically, if the demise of the "Citizen Soldier" of World War II has not proven to be a mistake. It goes without saying that the high cost of this Pre-Emptive War has fallen on the backs of relatively few families, and that an overwhelming number of Americans may not know anyone who has suffered the loss or injury of an immediate family-member. The unquestioned support of the homefront during World War II is not even on a comparable plane to the verbal exchange between those who "support" our troops, and those who "cut and run." Today, we have a lot less invested; all we expend is money. The ability of our "system" to adequately provide for and assist wounded veterans is, unbelievably, grossly, unacceptable. Frodo wonders if that would be the case if a few more Members of the recently-concluded 109th Congress had direct familial involvement.

When the Vietnam War was over, and the Selective Service mechanism was disbanded, Frodo rejoiced. The conflict between those who are soldiers, and those who are not, it seemed, would be forever resolved in Middle Earth. Soldiers would serve as they saw fit, Hobbits would be good citizens, and the Age of Aquarius was at hand.

Frodo was a fool.

Today, Frodo feels that the Draft should be re-instated, and that universal service should exist in the United States, as it does in Israel, in France, and in all those nations who recognize that War requires a total national investment, or it will become too inexpensive. If not, then passing references to activity outside the "Green Zone" will continue to be meaningless, and flights into Dover will increase exponentially.




Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:54 PM EST
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Sunday, February 18, 2007
A Little Bitty Tear Let Me Down, Spoiled My Act as a Clown
Mood:  smelly
Topic: "Nielsen Ratings" (2)
The partially mummified body of Vincenzo Ricardo, 70, of Hampton Bays, New York, was found in a chair in his living room. The chair was located in front of Mr. Ricardo's television set, which was still on, according to authorities with the Suffolk County Medical Examiner. Mr. Ricardo, said Dr. Stuart Dawson, had been dead more than a year. There was no clear evidence of foul play.

It should be noted that, once the television set was turned off, ratings for "The O'Reilly Factor," and Faux News, in general, dropped more than 50% in overnight ratings recorded by A.C. Neilsen. Frodo concludes that this verifies the "Olbermann Theory" that at least half of all regular viewers of the Rupert Murdoch productions are brain dead.

As the title of this submission reads, Frodo can't help but step back from the humor, and contemplate life for an old man, all alone, whose absence is not noted by anyone for over a year. In reality, there are probably a good number of Vincenzo Ricardo's out there, as there surely will be even more in days to come. It is much to think about. Perhaps Frodo will give Bilbo a call this evening; just to check in. Although Frodo is sure that Bilbo will not be watching Bill O'Reilly, there are many like him who rise the bile in otherwise healthy television viewers, and they may be unable to call for help.


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 4:32 PM EST
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Saturday, February 17, 2007
There's Something in The Air Tonight
Mood:  energetic
Although spared his predicted snowfall, the Shire is bitterly cold as Frodo, Fiona, and Mick, the Wonder Dog, engage in their traditional soccer match on Saturday morning. It is one of those frozen moments, soundless, with no movement except for the red-shouldered hawk circling, silently. Grey skies overhead however do not sit for Frodo's mood, for yesterday was the day, that which offers hope and optimism; thoughts of blue skies and puffy summer clouds. Pitchers and catchers reported for Spring training. The gallant Braves begin their quest for the return to greatness.

On countless days such as this Frodo and Strider, or Frodo and Faramir, or Frodo and anyone who could catch-and-return, would gently lob the first Rawlings product of the coming season. The energy encapsulated by frozen ground would burst the rugged seams of adolesence, which could not be controlled by any gymnasium. To chase the ball at breakneck speed, with a blur of green beneath his feet, is a true life scenario captured first in print by McCammon in his definitive book, "A Boy's Life." To run fast enough that soon the land would separate from the churning limbs and Frodo would soar, higher and higher, into that which separates heaven from earth. To return only when the ball lands softly in the webbing, and the throw must be returned.

Mick, the Wonder Dog, now breathes puffs of vapor as he returns a tennis ball to the hand of his best friend. Eagerly, he anticipates another sprint to that canine land which separates reality from dreams. Frodo knows that ancient athletes are limited by the cold, and that the limp or soreness which begins this day may last for many weeks. That applies especially to Hobbits and Wonder Dogs.

There is however, a sudden sound not unlike that of bat meeting ball, and Frodo wonders if Chipper Jones may have just laced a line-drive through a drawn-in infield? Mick, the Wonder Dog, assumes it to be a rabbit rising from the brush.

A limb falls from an old pecan tree, and Fiona leads the way home. The once-athletes trudge, sullenly, to tasks requiring their attention, but not their dreams.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:35 AM EST
Updated: Monday, February 19, 2007 8:58 PM EST
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Thursday, February 15, 2007
And Massachusetts is One Place I Have Seen
Mood:  cool
Topic: "Harry" (2)
He was just a little guy, not much bigger than a Hobbit. He was dark-complexioned, and his slicked-down dark hair was thinning as Frodo now remembers; it was not a distraction at the time. He was, as he indicated, Armenian by birth, and Frodo is ashamed to admit, even today, that actually pointing to Armenia on a map would be a formidable task. For a teenager, it was safe to assume that Armenia was not far from either Greece or Turkey, and Frodo knew where both of those were located. Conclusions such as that were close enough for Frodo, regardless of the subject matter.

Mr. Maranian taught History, doing so in a global context, and often interspersed with an emphasis on particular periods of civilizing peoples in the western world. Looking back, Frodo is disappointed that Mr. Maranian did not spend greater energy explaining the evolution of Middle Earth. It certainly would've made Frodo's writings considerably more intelligible today. His enthusiasm however made Reformations, Renaissances, and Revolutions cast an appearance of relevance which is difficult to even explain to the foundling MBA's currently searching for early wealth and hasty leisure.

He had sacrificed much in order to teach. His convictions were heartfelt, supported sometimes more by the heart than by logic, but Frodo felt the same way, so he came to revere the little man with the flashing eyes and the quick pace across the classroom stage. Harry Maranian was a mighty man and he was not afraid to speak his mind.

Frodo ran for class office one time. His opponent was daunting; intelligent, popular, involved in lots of activities, and he was dating little Janet Perry. Campaigning basically consisted of a limited number of posters and a speech, given in front of all the more than 350 members of the Junior Class. Frodo was given little chance to win, even by Frodo.

Frodo spoke forthrightly, perhaps with a word-by-word emphasis that might have been considered Kennedyesque, for those were the days of Camelot. Frodo drew rounds of applause, and smiles all around as he returned to his seat. Even little Janet Perry smiled at Frodo.

When they returned to the classroom, Frodo and his opponent happened to have the same period class in American History, Mr. Maranian walked in, looked at Frodo and yelled "Vote for Frodo." Frodo flushed, and felt badly for his opponent, but Mr. Maranian was not to be denied. "You stood up, you gave it your best shot, you had good and realistic goals, and it was a darn good speech. Vote for Frodo."

That evening Frodo's good friend, the current Class President, and the guy who had encouraged Frodo to run in the first place, Strider, came by Frodo's home to tell him that he had lost the election. Strider assured Frodo that the count had been very close.

Frodo congratulated his opponent, and waived away the hurt when little Janet Perry made a point of telling Frodo that she had cast her ballot for him. That battle fell to Frodo, and provided him with much greater satisfaction than a term of service and another photo in the yearbook. Harry Maranian would use that challenge many times to Frodo however, telling him that he could always accomplish something if he simply tried as hard as he had in that election.

A few years ago, Frodo learned before his class assembled one more time, that Harry Maranian was dead. It grieved him greatly that he knew nothing about when or how, or that he had never found the opportunity to say "Thank you, Harry." As the group sat in the bar and discoursed over the recalled events of those days, it was Strider who spoke and softly asked, "Do you think he was gay?" Frodo sucked air, for he had never had such a thought, and quite frankly did not, and does not, care.

Frodo only hopes that Mr. Maranian is still proud of Frodo.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:45 PM EST
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Tuesday, February 13, 2007
When You Were Young And Your Heart Was an Open Book
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: "Korea, Korea" (2)
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the White House Press Corps," began the 'Snowman,'"the Secretary of State."

"Thank you Tony, before I take any of your questions, I'd like to announce a major breakthrough in multi-party negotiations with North Korea."

Frodo rolled his eyes at Helen Thomas.

"The Peoples Republic has announced that it will begin to dismember its' nuclear reactor and to totally eliminate all efforts to constitute nuclear weaponry."

Andrea Mitchell's wig nearly fell into Frodo's lap.

"This diplomatic initiative, certainly among the most significant accomplishments of the current administration," and Rice paused long enough for Frodo to whisper to David Schuster, "She means the only," loud enough for the microphones to pick up his words. Slightly flustered, Secretary Rice concluded her comments "is a major step toward ensuring peaceful disarmament in the region."

"Ms. Secretary?"

"Yes, Mr. Frodo," she said as she glared at her adversary and intellectual superior,"what is your question?"

"Madame Secretary, that is certainly a significant public promise, but what exactly do the North Koreans get in exchange?"

"Well, Mr. Frodo, in exchange for 50,000 gallons of oil, and a lifting of any embargo at their main port-of-entry, there were only a few concessions to further the ability of North Korea to care for its' starving people. Now are there any more. . ."

"Excuse me Madame Secretary," said the wary Frodo, "but what sort of concessions EXACTLY?"

Rice's eyes zeroed in on Frodo as if he were a mongoose circling the disturbed cobra. "Well, MR. Frodo, the United States has agreed to provide the North Koreans with certain agricultural supplements. . ."

"What? Like chemicals?"

"No, Mr. Frodo, if you'd let me finish my sentence?"

A chagrined Frodo clammed up long enough for the gargoyle-like stance of the Secretary to swing back to the microphone.

"The United States will provide North Korea with non-chemical additions to their agricultural development program."

"Madame Secretary, just one more follow-up, and I promise to let you move on to the questions sure to emanate from Mr Chris Wallace of Faux News." Frodo smiled at the smirking little weasel.

"Proceed, Mr. Frodo."

"Madame Secretary, I was raised on a farm in the Shire, and for the benefit of others like me, I'm curious as to the nature of these agricultural 'additions,' you mentioned? Can you tell us what exactly we are giving to North Korea?"

"Nebraska."

"I beg your pardon, did you say Nebraska?"

"I believe that was your last question Mr. Frodo," grinned the Vampire, "and I believe Mr. Wallace has a question."

"Yes Madame Secretary I do. Could you tell us where you got those lovely shoes?"

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:10 PM EST
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Sunday, February 11, 2007
Nobody Gets Too Much Lovin' Anymore
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: "Vom Winde Verweht" (2)
Old times are not soon forgotten in the Shire. Nearly every day Frodo is reminded, by a mellifluous reference, to some ancient bygone which lingers, just below the surface. In simpler terms, there is an abiding belief that, sooner or later, justice will be done, and things returned to the way God intended. That is why some people saved "Dixie Cups" every time they went to a soda fountain, for years. Frodo is pleased that there are very few soda fountains, any more.

Otis W. Smith wanted to be a medical doctor, and he had all the tools, except money. About to drop out of Meharry Medical College, he was informed by Dr. Benjamin Mays that an "anonymous donor" had created more than 40 scholarships for Morehouse graduates who were attending Medical School. He went on to become Georgia's first certified pediatrician who just happened to be black. Remembering the generosity of the unknown benefactor, he subsequently created scholarships at Morehouse.

The story does not end there, and that is the reason for Frodo taking note of the passing of this talented, and generous, medical practitioner. You see, dear reader, Dr. Smith found out late in his own life who that mysterious benefactor had been. It was a lady named Margaret Mitchell, who just happened to believe that the black community badly needed a better level of medical care than what was received during her lifetime. If the name sounds vaguely familiar, it should be, because she wrote one of the best books ever written, and she was long reviled for her "glorification" of the "Old South" in the masterful "Gone With the Wind."

Dr. Smith wrote a personal check for $10,000 and submitted the first private contribution for the restoration of Margaret Mitchell's home in downtown Atlanta.

Indeed, dear reader, old times are not forgotten, and that is what Frodo likes about the South. Frodo has not visited that house, but now he thinks it is something he will do. His kind of people lived there.

"Vom Winde Verweht" is the title as translated into German. Frodo first saw the movie, before he had read the book, in Frankfurt in German (without subtitles), and he cried, although a little slower than the German audience.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 7:45 PM EST
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