I Feel Nice, Like Sugar And Spice
Topic: "An Apple A Day" (7)
Even Hobbits require medical attention from time-to-time especially when preventative career is an avenue, and not a dead end (pun intended). Frodo's medical attendee is younger than Frodo, and that was an intentional move on the part of the Hobbit. Earlier attention had been sought from practitioners who eventually followed in the footsteps of Welby, Kildare, and Ben Casey; their practices were either canceled or the they sought permanent solace on an isolated mountaintop near Bora-Bora. Frodo reasoned that a younger doctor would probably be in Frodo's corner, as long as the Hobbit were around to pay bills.
Frodo's doctor is assisted by vampires. All they seem to know is how to take blood, and they receive a great deal of practice perfecting the art thereof. Eventually, Frodo was also allowed to pee in a cup, an act which required no assistance from any of the vampires. Height, weight, blood pressure, all the routine stuff, was secured and compressed into a very fancy personal computer (and assimilated into a very sophisticated software package). With the press of a button, several pages of printed material, suitable for framing, made their way back into the examination room in the hands of Frodo's doctor.
Frodo felt rather smug as the doctor marveled at the results. All of the readings that concern those of Frodo's gender reflected the effects of regular exercise and an occasional glass of red wine. That is, until he asked Frodo about his diet.
"Diet?," said Frodo. "Lots of fruits and vegetables, alcohol in moderation, all the stuff one would expect from the Keeper of the Ring."
The doctor explained to Frodo that the amount of sugar in his bloodstream is higher than the desirable, but beneath the level of the alarm. In order to avoid medication, he felt that Frodo should lose 15 pounds, and follow the general guidelines of one of these "Malibu Beach Diets," or something to that effect. Frodo was stunned. Never had anyone suggested that he lose weight, and he was not in the Hobbit habit of lots of cakes and cookies, not to mention chips.
The doctor asked about the specifics of the Hobbit diet, and that is when Frodo learned a lesson. For many years, Frodo has eaten cereals and juices in the morn, fruit and nutritional power bars at mid-day, and almost anything else when dining with Sam come evening. The doctor grinned and said, "Natural sugars, don't you see?" He explained that Frodo was necessarily being sentenced to an existence without apples, bananas, peaches, grapes, or any of those fruits which contain comparatively great amounts of naturally-produced sugars. "To make you feel better however," he added, "you will still be able to eat pears, blackberries, or other fruits which are not so high in natural sugar."
"In addition, Mr. Frodo," he lectured, "we are commencing an avoidance of white bread, fatty meats, pasta, candy, sweet tea, and many others which I have listed on page 122-34 on your handout."
"Will I be able to eat the bark off trees during the winter?," Frodo lamented.
"You will be able to eat salads, eggs, fish, cheese, and low carb yogurt."
"I should have asked first," said Frodo, "but are you a Republicant?"
The doctor laughed. Frodo he say nuttin'.
So Frodo is out to become "leaner and meaner," in the words of his doctor. Sam has been schooled in the procedures, and the vampires gather in the absence of sunlight, waiting for their next shot at Frodo's carotid. Frodo also wonders if Ben Casey is still alive.
Posted by loveysdaddyga
at 8:11 PM EDT