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" Citizen Soldiers" (5)
" Putin' Out" (5)
" Thin Ice"(9)
""I Ain't Got Much" (5)
""Soft Memories" (7)
"$100, Are You Sure?" (5)
"0 Preservative Added"(2)
"105 Minute Workday"(9)
"16 Percent Factor"(3)
"176,000,000 to 1"(8)
"26 Damn Dollars"(6)
"3 Percent Turnout" (2)
"37 Come 11" (5)
"3:10 to Yuma" (7)
"50 Weeks of Reality TV"
"501 (c)(4)"
"54 Pounds" (8)
"8.8 Pounds"(6)
"A Capitol Idea" (6)
"A Code in My Node"
"A Course is a Course"(2)
"A Day At The Beach" (3)
"A Dog Named Bo" (5)
"A Hobbit of an Idea"
"A Man's Army"
"A Patriot Act" (7)
"A Patriotic Act"
"A Perfect World"
"A soldier booed?'(7)
"A Space Odyssey" (4)
"A Taxing Story" (5)
"A Thousand Campfires"(4)
"A Three Hour Tour"(8)
"A Touch of Class"(5)
"A Waisted Day" (5)
"A Woman Scorned"
"Aagh,I'll Pay,I'll Pay"
"Abe Wong, of Gondor"(5)
"Act I, Scene I" (8)
"Act I, Scene II" (8)
"Act I, Scene III" (8)
"Adjustable 2nd Card"(3)
"Adjusting Policies"
"Adjusting the Clock"(8)
"Aegean Adventure" (2)
"Ah ah ah Stayin' Alive"
"Airline Highway" (5)
"Alan Scott" (7)
"All Aboard"
"All Bets Are In" (2)
"All Charged Up"
"All Good Things" (4)
"Allah Be Praised" (5)
"Almost Heaven" (2)
"Alpha Dog"(7)
"Alright, Who Did It?"(7)
"Also Sprach Frodo" (4)
"Always Wear Gloves" (3)
"AM Radio Next?"
"America's Toilet" (6)
"American Cemetery"(8)
"An Admission"
"An Apple A Day" (7)
"An Hour A Day" (6)
"An Ugly American"(4)
"Anchorman" (6)
"And the Winner Is" (2)
"Andy Griffith Redux"
"Another Single Woman?"
"Another Three-namer"(5)
"Another Time/Place"(4)
"Anvil Throwin' Time"(8)
"Apocalypse Now?" (3)
"Aragorn" (4)
"Armored Dildos" (3)
"As Far As We Know" (2)
"Ask Ann Landers" (3)
"Assembly LineDancing"(4)
"Astronaughty" (2)
"Atlanta Times Three"
"Augmentation" (2)
"Augustus Agonistes" (5)
"Aurora Borealis" (8)
"Autumnal Observances"(2)
"Avast You Lubbers"(6)
"Baby Doctors (2)"
"Baby Fiona"(7)
"Baby Nathan Yahoo"(10)
"Back Door Basra (2)"
"Back inthe Saddle Again"
"Bad Boys, Bad Boys"
"Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)
"Balance of Nature" (3)
"Balance of Payments"(5)
"Balancing the Budget"
"Ballamer" (4)
"Bang the Drum Slowly"
"Bank Prank" (5)
"Baptists are Pussies"(7)
"Barbed Wire Escape (2)"
"Barbie Banditos" (3)
"Barely Bearble"(7)
"Barely Defensible" (2)
"Barry Me Not (2)"
"Bathroom onna Right"(3)
"Beach Music" (7)
"Because It Is Hard" (4)
"Beechwood 4-5789"(6)
"Belling the Cat" (2)
"Ben McGee" (3)
"Benny and the Jets"(5)
"Berlusconi in Love"(6)
"Best be straight Boy"(5)
"Best Day/Worst Day"(6)
"Best in the South" (5)
"Best in the World?"(5)
"Betray Us" (3)
"Bettah than Etta"(4)
"Better Man" (3)
"Better Than Pong"
"Big Time Sports" (3)
"Big Words,LittleMind"(6)
"Bilbo's Birthday (2)"
"Bilbo's Little Boy"(5)
"Bilbo's Revenge" (5)
"Bill and Hillary (2)"
"Billy World" (2)
"Bimini Babes" (3)
"Bird is the Word" (3)
"Birmingham Jail" (5)
"Birthday Baggins"
"Birthday Buddies" (7)
"Birthday Memory" (4)
"Birthin' No Babies" (3)
"Bishop to King's Castle"
"Black Friday" (2)
"Black Gold, Texas Tea"
"Black Hole Blues" (4)
"Black Jack"
"Black Russians" (6)
"Black Widow" (3)
"Blackboard Jungle"
"Blame Game" (3)
"Bleached Bones" (5)
"Blitzkrieg Bellini" (2)
"Blood and Swash" (3)
"Bloopers" (5)
"Blue Christmas" (2)
"Bo's Birthday"(5)
"Bob Sikes' Cut"(9)
"Bob, Bob, Bobbit" (3)
"Bobby, not Ben"(6)
"Bon Air Bellicose" (4)
"Bon Giorno" (6)
"Bona Lisa" (5)
"Bonds-v-Skvara" (3)
"Boo Boo Poo Poo"(9)
"Boromir & Galadriel"(5)
"Bottled in Thyme"(7)
"Bottom Ten"(9)
"Bovine Stem Cells?"
"Boy, I Say Boy"
"Boycott BP"
"Breaker, Breaker" (4)
"Breakin' rules" (7)
"Breaking News" (7)
"Brer Fox (2)"
"Bridge at Andau"(11)
"Bring Back Ross" (2)
"Bring the Bowl"
"Broken News"(10)
"Brother of the Ring"
"Brownback Mountain"
"Brownie Hawkeye"
"Buckwheat Breathes" (2)
"Bumper Sticker"
"Burn Baby, Burn" (3)
"Bush in the Bullrushes"
"Bush Baby, Bush (2)"
"Bush is Chinese?" (2)
"Bush Press Conference"
"Bush-Bashers Be We (2)"
"Busman's Holiday(2)"
"Butt...Butt...Butt" (3)
"Butterflies? Sheesh!"
"Buttermilk Drops" (3)
"Buy a Subaru" (11)
"Buy Stock in America"(6)
"Cabin Fever" (5)
"Cain Not Able" (7)
"Cake in the Rain"
"Cake in the Rain"(3)
"Call Me Ishmael" (3)
"Callista, an Albino?"(7)
"Camp Pleasant" (2)
"Can She Name Them?(2)"
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
"Canaan Conspiracy"(6)
"Candygram" (4)
"Captive Audience"(6)
"Caramel or Carmel?"(3)
"Carolina Cougar(2)"
"Carolina Curmudgeon" (5)
"Cartoon Characters" (3)
"Case of Packy Stann"(3)
"Cash crash crashed?"(5)
"Cat Fight" (5)
"Caterpillar Quandry" (3)
"Causal Relationships"(9)
"Cause It's One, (2)"
"Ceramic s"
"Ch-ch-changin'" (4)
"Change a'comin" (5)
"Change is Good" (5)
"Change?" (3)
"Changin' Channels" (2)
"Chapter 13"
"Chariots of Fire"
"Chariots' a' Comin'"(4)
"Chassahowitzka" (2)
"Chauncey Gardner"(7)
"Chemical Alley" (6)
"Cheney of Fools" (2)
"Cherem" (3)
"Chew my Gazebo, Willya?"
"Chief Noc-a-Homa" (3)
"Chingachgook Lives"
"Chipmonkeys Alert (2)"
"Chipper" (6)
"Christian Balls"(10)
"Christian the Lion"(4)
"Christian Valuelessness"
"Christmas Communique"(3)
"Christmas, 1936" (2)
"Chutzpah Hooters" (4)
"Cilled a Bar?" (3)
"Cindy, oh Cindy"(4)
"Citizen Soldiers" (2)
"Clark and Lois (2)"
"Classified Ads are Cool"
"Claymore Gregg" (3)
"Clean Machine" (2)
"Clean up in Aisle 4!"(4)
"Climb It Chains" (8)
"Clinton Cuts" (7)
"Clone Chipper,Please"(4)
"Cockatiel Lounge" (2)
"College of the Shire"(6)
"Combat Kelly (2)"
"Come On Baby"(8)
"Come on Down" (3)
"Comin' Clean" (5)
"Comin' Home" (3)
"Commencement (2)"
"Comparables" (6)
"Condi for President" (3)
"Cone of Silence" (4)
"Conflagration" (3)
"Confusion Reigns"(10)
"Congress Goes to War (2)
"Congress' Schmidthead"
"Conspiracy Theory" (4)
"Copy Cat Chinese" (5)
"Country Roads" (7)
"Crawford Convention" (2)
"Crikey" (2)
"Crime and Punishment(2)"
"Crotch Rocket Delite"(4)
"Cult of the Wild"(7)
"Curious, George?"
"Currahee" (5)
"Da Juice Is Back" (3)
"Dad" (5)
"Damages Done (2)"
"Damn Close" (4)
"Damn It To Hell" (5)
"Damn Lies" (7)
"Dandy Dale" (7)
"Danger Will Robinson"(5)
"Danger,Will Robinson"(8)
"Darth Dick" (5)
"Darwin's Company" (4)
"Das Boot"
"Das Ende" (6)
"Date With David" (2)
"Day of Infamy" (4)
"Day-O, Me Wan Go"(7)
"De Tar-Ball Baby" (6)
"Dead Honkey"
"Dearest Bilbo"
"Debits on the Left?" (2)
"Decisions, Decisions"(6)
"Deep and Dark" (5)
"Deep Shiite" (3)
"Degree of Separation"(6)
"Deja 1958 Over Again"
"Deja Who?"(7)
"Delano" (4)
"Diazinon Ditties (2)"
"Dick Clark Top 10(2)"
"Dimmer Switch" (6)
"Dirty Copter" (4)
"Do They Like Kool Aid?"
"Doctor, Mr. MD"(9)
"Dodged a Bullet"(7)
"Dogmobile" (3)
"Dogs Rule"
"Doing the Right Thing"
"Don't Cut My DSL" (5)
"Don't Feed the Animals"
"Dont Touch That Dial"(6)
"Doofus" (9)
"Doohan's Delight" (3)
"Doris Miller" (6)
"Dorothy Rose" (4)
"Double Deal" (6)
"Doubting Thomases" (3)
"Doug Williams"(4)
"Dover" (4)
"Down Below Back Home"(4)
"Downtown Cardinals"(9)
"Dr. Phil" (5)
"Dubai-Bye" (3)
"Dueling Banjos" (3)
"Dumb and Dumber" (3)
"Dumb As We Wanna Be"(3)
"Dumber Than Dirt" (3)
"Dumbest Politico (2)"
"Eager Uighurs" (4)
"Early Admission" (8)
"Eight Nine Four" (4)
"Elect Jeff Jackson"(10)
"Elizabeth I" (5)
"Emily Latella Lives"
"Emperor's Clothes" (2)
"End of the Line"
"Ending Sams Patience"(7)
"Engine Uprisin'" (4)
"Ensign Pulver"(5)
"EOTUS" (5)
"Equinox Approaching"(10)
"Equinoxious" (4)
"Escalator Escalatin'"(5)
"ESP" (6)
"Etchings, Anyone?"(5)
"Ethel Merman Lives"
"Eve, It's Oil!"
"Evenin' Govnah" (6)
"Everyday Miracles"
"Evil Thoughts" (3)
"Eye Opener" (3)
"Eyes of a Gorilla"
"Fair is Fare"(7)
"Falcon" (8)
"Fall Ball" (3)
"Fallin' Behind"(11)
"Falling Apart" (9)
"Fargo Felines" (5)
"Fashionable Frodo" (5)
"Father Ed" (3)
"Faux les Bas" (2)
"Female Insurgency (2)"
"Ferengi or Ferangi?" (3)
"Fergit? Hell No!"
"Film at 11"
"Findin' William"(11)"
"Firing US Attorneys" (3)
"First Freeze" (6)
"First Learn to Lose"
"First National Bank" (5)
"First Sentence" (8)
"Five Easy Pieces" (4)
"Float Yer Boat" (4)
"Flower Power (2)"
"Foe Years Old" (4)
"Follow the Money"
"Followin' Ava" (4)
"For More Years" (3)
"Forbidden Fruit"
"Fords and Dads" (2)
"Foreclosure Follies" (7)
"Foreclosure Notice" (6)
"Forest Primeval"(8)
"Form 666" (3)
"Forms For Everything"(6)
"Foundling Fathers"(7)
"Fourteen Years Ago?"(5)
"Fox Views" (3)
"Frack You" (7)
"Frances Died Today"(7)
"Fred's Dead Head" (3)
"Free at Last"
"Free Hidden Telecast"(4)
"Freedom? Hell No" (3)
"Friend by Your Side" (3)
"Friend by your Side" (4)
"Friendly Persuasion" (5)
"Friends of Bill" (7)
"Frist Friends"
"Frodo and Housman" (2)
"Frodo and Jesus"
"Frodo and Revere?"(7)
"Frodo And Truckers (2)"
"Frodo Dissents" (6)
"Frodo Not Foggo (2)"
"Frodo of Arabia(2)"
"Frodo Op" (5)
"Frodo Regrets"
"Frodo Study Group" (2)
"Frodo visits Bilbo"
"Frodo's Almanac"(9)
"Frodo's Bad Day"
"Frodo's Book Club"(5)
"Frodo's Dilemma" (3)
"Frodo's Faux Pas" (3)
"Frodo's Final Four" (3)
"Frodo's Foreign Policy"
"Frodo's Hall of Fame"(4)
"Frodo's Newer Friend"(6)
"Frodo's Retirement"(8)
"Frodo's Revenge"
"Frodo's Revenge"(7)
"Frodo's Solutions" (6)
"Frodo's Xmas Story"(6)
"Frodo, James Frodo" (3)
"Furriners" (4)
"Gainful Employment" (3)
"Galadriel Is No More"(3)
"Gandalf's Challenge (2)"
"Garland Duesenberry" (2)
"Gas Guzzler A-Go-Go"
"Gasp, Wheeze (2)"
"Gay Faux Holes" (5)
"Genarlow de Chariot" (3)
"Genesis Ignored" (3)
"Geneva Accords Redux"
"Geography Lesson" (3)
"George to the Rescue"(3)
"Georgia on my Mind"(3)
"Getting Your Wish" (3)
"Gidget Goes Gondor"(7)
"Gimme Head With Hair"(3)
"Girls Night Out" (6)
"Give 'em Hell, Tom" (5)
"Give Heath a Chance (2)"
"Give Us Your Tired. . ."
"Giving Way to Anger" (2)
"Glenn Frey"(11)
"Glory Days"
"Goin' Home" (3)
"Gondor Goodfellas"(9)
"Gondor Gravitas" (3)
"Good Cop" (7)
"Good Day America" (6)
"Good Friday It Was"(9)
"Good Friday, Maybe"(11)
"Good Ol Mountain Dew"(5)
"Good Son"
"Goodbye Kids (2)"
"Goodbye, Ethan" (2)
"Goodman is Hard to Find"
"Goose Again"
"GOP Convention" (3)
"Gotta Have a Home (2)"
"Grading on a Curve"
"Graffiti Government" (2)
"Great American Hero"
"Great American Hero" (2)
"Greatest Duet Ever"(6)
"Greed is Good"(5)
"Greetings" (8)
"Grissom not Gruesome"(4)
"Groupies for Edwards"(4)
"Guess We Forgot?"(8)
"Guest Workers (2)"
"Guns of August" (7)
"Guts of August" (3)
"Gwinnett Again?" (3)
"Halo, 1,2,3?" (3)
"Ham I Am" (3)
"Handi-Wipes" (3)
"Hang 'em High" (2)
"Hanky Time, Ladies"
"Happens in Threes"(5)
"Happy Anniversary"(9)
"Happy Mardi Gras"(2)
"Harpo Speaks"
"Harry" (2)
"Harry's Bar-Venice" (2)
"Hawkeye, Redux"(7)
"Haz Mat" (3)
"He Ate the Olive!"(7)
"He is deeply missed (2)"
"He Picks Up Poop?" (5)
"He Took De Bait" (8)
"He's 'Little Ricky'?"(7)
"Healthcare for Frodo"(5)
"Heart Soar Like Hawk"(5)
"Heck of an Engineer"(7)
"Hedge Fund Hippies" (3)
"Heeeerrre's Frodo" (3)
"Heeere's Johnny" (6)
"Heeerrrre's Frodo" (3)
"Hello, Mr. Wilson" (5)
"Hello? Central?" (3)
"Help Wanted"
"Helping Frodo" (4)
"Here Come da Judge" (2)
"Here Come da Judge" (6)
"Here Kitty-Kitty" (4)
"Here Kitty-kitty"(5)
"Here's Help, Now Leave"
"Here's Your Watch" (3)
"Hi Jinx" (5)
"Hide Anythin' Edible"(5)
"High Chair" (2)
"Hobbits And a Truck"(4)
"Hold On Romo" (2)
"Hold the Malaise" (4)
"Honey Dew List"(9)
"Hopalong Frodo"(9)
"Horn of Africa (2)"
"Horse Latitudes" (6)
"Horsehockey" (3)
"Hosea Can You See" (3)
"Hosea Can You See?" (3)
"Hot Tamale" (3)
"Hotel Plimhimmon"(9)
"HOV or DOA?" (3)
"How Dogs Love Us" (10)
"How Many Delegates?"
"How Many Delegates?" (3)
"How Now Broun Cow"(8)
"Hraka" (4)
"Huckleberry Hound" (3)
"Hund Scheisse CSI" (5)
"Hungarian Answer" (4)
"I Believe in Music (2)"
"I can hope, can't I?"(9)
"I Could Cry" (2)
"I Inspired You?"
"I say it's Spinach. . ."
"I'll Get Back to You"(3)
"I'll Huff and Puff" (4)
"I'll Take a Vowel"
"I'm Baaack" (2)
"I'mSo In LoveWithYou"(7)
"Ides of March Again" (4)
"Ides of Texas" (6)
"IED's in Congress" (2)
"If Frodo Ran The DHS"(5)
"If It Ain't OneThing"(5)
"If the truth be told"(6)
"If You Remember,Then"(6)
"If" (6)
"Imagine,General Newt"(6)
"Imitation of Life" (5)
"Immigration Reform (2)"
"In a Galaxy Far Away(2)"
"In a Pig's Eye" (4)
"In Dog We Trust" (10)
"In the Beginning"
"In the Beginning" (3)
"Incomparable Moron" (4)
"Indoor Toilets Rule" (4)
"Intersex Village" (2)
"Interstate Parking (2)"
"Ion Propulsion"(7)
"Iran's Tom Hayden"
"Irish Spring"(3)
"Is it in the Water?"
"Is That in America?" (2)
"Is You da One,Jimmy?"(3)
"Islamic Fundamentals"(8)
"Isn't Amnesty Good?"(3)
"Isn't Change Good?"(6)
"It's A Trap" (6)
"It's Just a Movie"
"It's Just Business"
"Ja, Wir Konnen."
"Jack Crabb" (10)
"Jambo Jumbo" (3)
"Japanese Movie?" (3)
"Je suis Frodo"(10)
"Jefferson Rock" (3)
"Jes' the facts Ma'am"(4)
"Jim Crow" (5)
"Joad Family Reunion?"(6)
"Joad Jobs" (4)
"Joe Soptic" (8)
"Jonestown Redux" (3)
"Jose and Claudia" (4)
"Joshua Generation" (3)
"Just Another Day" (3)
"Just Clearin' Brush"(3)
"Just Desserts (2)"
"Just Desserts" (7)
"Just Say 'Nyet'"(7)
"Just to CU Smile" (5)
"Kandy Kakes 2"
"Ken Meets Jack"
"Key Word Apology" (6)
"Killer's Geraldine" (4)
"Kilowatts Per Mile" (6)
"Kiribati Republic"(6)
"Kirk Saves Nemo"
"Kiss a Girl Goodbye"(2)
"Knew You Not Pompey?"(3)
"Kodak Moment" (2)
"Kool Sailboat" (4)
"Korea, Korea" (2)
"Kudlow's Kreeps"(4)
"Lady of Rohan" (3)
"Land Ho"(8)
"Lean and Hungry " (2)
"Leeward, I Say, Leeward"
"Legs Diamond" (3)
"Legs" (3)
"Leslie" (4)
"Lessons Learned" (2)
"Let Them Eat Cake"
"Let's Bake Cookies" (3)
"Let's Play A Game" (6)
"Letter Home" (6)
"Letter to Lou" (4)
"Liberal Lament" (40)
"Lief, Leaf, or Loaf"(8)
"Life In A Red State"
"Lights of Chicago"
"Like a Barack" (2)
"Limbaugh Hero"(7)
"Lime Bandits" (3)
"Lime is on my side" (6)
"Limestone Cowboys" (3)
"Lip Smackin' Good?"(6)
"Little Big Horn (2)"
"Little Houdini" (5)
"Little Sky"
"Littlest Angel" (2)
"Livin' is Easy?"(7)
"Loans and Deposits" (4)
"Lois, I Never Lie"(8)
"Lonely Avenue" (3)
"Lonesome Frodo" (3)
"Look away Dixieland"(6)
"Look for da Union Label"
"Look Who's Talkin'" (2)
"Lookin' Back, Texas" (3)
"Lost Weekend"(8)
"Low Water, Slow Flow"(3)
"Lox? Or Locks?" (7)
"Lunatic Cattle Call"(8)
"M-G-M Material"
"Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
"Ma Bell Lives" (7)
"Macaca, Your Macaca" (2)
"Mad Dogs&Englishmen"(6)
"Made You Look" (6)
"Magic Fridge (2)"
"Magic Moments"(7)
"Make Jobs, Not War"(7)
"MaMa's Little Babies"(3)
"Man For All Seasons" (2)
"Man of the Century"
"Man Up, Harry"(6)
"Man's Best Friend?"
"Many happy returns"
"March Forth" (8)
"Marking Time" (3)
"Martyr Magic" (2)
"Marvelous Mac"(8)
"Mary Lee & Genie"(8)
"Master of None" (8)
"May Day, Comrade"(7)
"Maynard G. Krebs" (7)
"Medal of Honor" (6)
"Media is the Message(2)"
"Media Reporting" (6)
"Mental Healthcare" (4)
"Michelle, my Belle"(7)
"Mick's Day"(8)
"Mickey and Me"(6)
"MidSummer Nights Dream"(7)
"Mikileaks" (6)
"Missionary Position" (3)
"Missionary Position" (7)
"Mississipp' Sippin'"(2)
"Mister Roberts" (8)
"Moamar:The Movie"(7)
"Mohair Sam" (5)
"Mon Petit Shoe"(4)
"Monkeys in Mississippi"
"Moody Blue"(7)
"Moody" (7)
"Mooman" (3)
"Moon Over Miami"(4)
"Mooosic" (5)
"Moovin' On Up" (2)
"Mordor or Antarctica?"
"More Than Some" (4)
"Moultrie Poultry" (3)
"Mount Mulch" (2)
"Movin' On Up" (2)
"Mr. Toad's Motorcar (2)"
"Mumbai, My Lord" (4)
"Murtha For President(2)"
"N. Leroy" (7)
"Name That Tune"(4)
"Nascaroil" (4)
"Nat King Cole Sucks"(5)
"NCAA---Blech!" (7)
"Nein, nein, nein"(7)
"Never Doubt Bilbo"
"Never heard of him"
"New Life, Old Leaves"(4)
"Newest Friend"(8)
"Newman's Own" (4)
"Newt/Mitt '12" (3)
"Next Case" (6)
"Next Door Neighbors" (3)
"NFL Commissioner (2)"
"NFL Trade" (3)
"Nielsen Ratings" (2)
"Nine Months PG" (7)
"Nixon Agonistes" (3)
"No Faux News?" (3)
"No Googling Allowed"(4)
"No Humor Today"
"No Peanut Left Behind"
"No Sale" (3)
"No, Not Russian" (4)
"No-No, No" (3)
"Nobody Even Asked"(8)
"Noo Yawk Stateamind"(2)
"Not a Bang,a Whimper"(7)
"Not Funny, Dr Jones"(5)
"Not North Carolina" (6)
"Not Percy Sledge?" (3)
"Not Percy Sledge?"(3)
"Number One" (3)
"Number Please?"(7)
"Number, Please"(8)
"Numbers Don't Lie" (3)
"Numbers Racket" (4)
"Obama Doctrine" (5)
"Obama's Generals"(5)
"October Dreamin'" (4)
"Ode to an Athlete (2)"
"Ogal Preston Crews (2)"
"Oh Kenny Boy (2)"
"Oh the possibilities"(8)
"Oh Ye White Whale" (3)
"Oh, Sadaharu" (2)
"OK Baptist Chorale" (4)
"Old McDonnell's Farm"(7)
"Old Time Baseball"(9)
"Old Times Topic" (6)
"Olympic Changes" (4)
"On Her Code?" (4)
"On Vacation, I'm Sure"
"One Act Play"
"One Down, More Comin'"
"One For the Good Guys"
"One More Round" (4)
"One Orbit of the Sun"(2)
"Only 434 More to Go" (2)
"Opportunity Sox" (3)
"Or the Yellow Peril?"(6)
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"Our Town" (8)
"Out Damned Spot (2)"
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"Pace Car" (3)
"Painted Toenails?"(4)
"Panic Attack"(10)
"Pants on Fire"
"Parade of Horribles"(4)
"Part Two" (5)
"Pass the Malais" (4)
"Passion Flowers" (5)
"Past is Prologue" (3)
"Pat bin Laden"
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"Permanent Vacation" (5)
"Persons of the Year"
"Philadelphia Bunnyface?"
"Philosopher Kings" (4)
"Pickled Cabbage?"
"Picture of Frodo"(5)
"Pilot Wales" (2)
"Pirate Booty"
"Pit Bull Revenge"(4)
"Pius Baloney I" (7)
"Place of Good Abode" (3)
"Plaque 42W, Line 12"
"Play It Again, Sam"
"Play Melancholy Baby"
"Play the Frodo Game"(6)
"Playin' Possum" (3)
"Poland Parole Patrol"(5)
"Polish or Polish?"
"Poll Results Just In"
"Poly Sci 101"(9)
"Poor People"
"Pope for a Day" (10)
"Pope-a-Dope" (5)
"Popeil Veg-o-matic"
"Potty Training" (3)
"Power Surge"(9)
"Pray for, Gas?" (4)
"Pray With Me Henry" (2)
"Pre-emptive Passages"(2)
"Preemptive Invasion"
"Presidential Erection"
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"Problem, Officer?" (5)
"Problems?" (4)
"Promises Made" (3)
"Promises To Keep" (5)
"Promises to Keep"(9)
"Proud I Am"
"Proud Walter" (5)
"Proxy Server Error" (4)
"Prudent" (10)
"Psychiatrist,5 cents"(6)
"Pugnacious Maverick"
"Pulitzer Means Squat"(8)
"Punxatawney Bush"
"Puppy Angel" (2)
"Purple Pill Please" (2)
"Putin Tang" (3)
"Qaddafi Wins, For Now"(7)
"Qualified? Yeah Right!"
"Quayle Hunting"
"Queen of Memphis"
"Queen of the Damned"
"Quittin' Time" (8)
"Quoth the Raven"(7)
"QVC and Dorothy"
"Qwest For Truth (2)"
"Radio and TV"(7)
"Rain, Rain, Go Away?"(4)
"Rainy Day in Georgia(2)"
"Raptor Rapture" (7)
"Read All About It" (5)
"Real Men Don't Shop"(4)
"Rechargin' da Shire"(11)
"Recycled Air (Gasp)" (2)
"Red Sky at Morning" (3)
"Red Sky at Morning"(5)
"Reduced Flow Flush"(5)
"Reimers' Rhymers"(5)
"Remember These?"
"Remembering Jessica" (2)
"Remote Outpost" (7)
"Render Unto Wright" (4)
"Reverend LeRoy" (3)
"Rice on Hot Tin Roof(2)"
"Rick Santa Anna"(5)
"Right Not Privilege" (4)
"Road to Damascus"
"Road Trip" (5)
"Roads Scholar" (8)
"Rocket Man"
"Rocket Man" (5)
"Rockets Red Glare" (5)
"Rocks Rox"(8)
"Roger the Dodger"(4)
"Roger Williams Sucks"(2)
"Rooty-Toot" (6)
"Rose Garden Promises"(4)
"Royal Portrait" (2)
"Rubber Ducky" (2)
"Rubio's Cube"(6)
"Rules" (6)
"Rules" (7)
"Rumblin' Bumblin'" (3)
"Rumsfeldstiltskin" (2)
"Run Eddie, Run" (5)
"Run Far, Run Fast"(7)
"Run Forrest, Run"
"Run, old hare!"
"Runaround Tsu"
"Runs in the Family" (3)
"Rwanda Go Home?"(6)
"S'long Sarong (2)"
"Sabato Knows" (2)
"Sam Shopping" (2)
"San Juan de Capistrano"
"Sandy Hook" (8)
"Santos v. Vinnick"
"Satire-Apology to Mick"
"Sauron Psalms" (2)
"Sauron's Scythe" (4)
"Savin' Gas" (4)
"SAWB" (3)
"Say Cheese"(7)
"Say It Ain't So,Jo"(4)
"Say It Ain't So,Joe" (2)
"School Holiday" (4)
"Science Marches On"
"Scooter" (2)
"Scott Free" (4)
"Sears and Loveaduck" (5)
"Second Line (2)"
"Second of Two" (4)
"Seems Like Yesterday"(4)
"Seems Like Yesterday"(9)
"Seen Any Blue Swans?"(3)
"Selective Service"(8)
"September Twelfth"(5)
"Serendipity Strikes" (3)
"Serge is Working?" (3)
"Serious,For A Change"(6)
"Seven Samurai" (5)
"Sex or Gender?"
"Sexiest Man Alive"(5)
"Shaken, not stirred"(10)
"She is No Ma Kettle"
"Sheep and Museums"
"Sheep in Mindanao?"
"Shenandoah Rangers"(7)
"Shenandoah" (6)
"Shire Sunset"
"Shock and Awe" (4)
"Shoot 'em, Vern"
"Side by Side" (7)
"Sidin' With Anemone"(4)
"Silence of the Lambs"(2)
"Silent, but deadly"(6)
"Sing It Again" (4)
"Sink or Swim"
"Sir A Gut" (3)
"Six Days on the Road"
"Skull and Bones"(4)
"Skunk Cabbage" (3)
"Sleepy Time (2)"
"Slippin' and a Slidin'"
"Sludge Stimulus" (5)
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"Small Gray Planet"(2)
"Small Victories"
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"Smokin' Pesticide Dope"
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"Snazis" (2)
"Snow Tan"(11)
"Snowiches" (6)
"So Who's Sluggo?" (2)
"Social Security Reform"
"Social Security" (7)
"Socrates and Friends"(5)
"Soldier of the King"
"Soldier of the Storm(2)"
"Solitary Isolation" (3)
"Solving a Problem"(9)
"Somethin' Borrowed"(5)
"Something in Commons"(5)
"Sometimes Life Sucks"(4)
"Sorcerer's Apprentice"
"Soul Train" (5)
"Souter Rules, Dude"
"Southern Ladies" (5)
"Sow's Ear from Silk"(5)
"Space Poop" (3)
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"Spelling, -23" (6)
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"Spoonerized" (6)
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"Stan & Ollie"(7)
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"Stragedy" (8)
"Strangerthan fiction"(6)
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"Stupidly" (5)
"Stupor Bowl Sunday"(2)
"Subsidizing Seeds"(6)
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"Supportin' da Troops"(2)
"Supportin' da Troops"(3)
"Survey Says" (6)
"Sweet Georgia Brown"
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"Take a letter, dearie"
"Take It Off Baby" (5)
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"Tax Driver" (9)
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"Tear Down That Wall"(4)
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"Term Paper" (5)
"Terminal? Great!"
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"Terrible Swift Sword"(6)
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"Texas Exes" (8)
"Thank the Academy"(4)
"Thank You Rand Paul"
"Thank You, Molly" (2)
"Thanks, Dad" (3)
"Thar She Blows"
"That Looks Like Me"(5)
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"The 60 Year Struggle"(5)
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"The Brotherhood Begins"
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"The Forum" (2)
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"The Good Book" (4)
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"The Grumpy Dwarf"(9)
"The Important Stuff"
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"The Perfect Storm" (2)
"The Pre-Fellowship"(4)
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"The Second Amendment"
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"Thin Ice, Frodo" (4)
"Third Strike Nuance (2)"
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"Unconditional Surrender"
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"Underdog Shmunderdog"(4)
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"UR Number Is Up" (7)
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"Video Thriller"(5)
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"Virgin Birth" (2)
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"Virginia Lovers" (4)
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"Vote for Steve" (2)
"Vote Frodo (Not)"(7)
"W is for Wuss""
"Wait 'til Next Year" (2)
"Wait 'Til Next Year"(2)A
"Walkin' in the Woods"(5)
"Walkin' the Dogs"(8)
"Walkin' the Walk"
"Wall of Libertad"
"War on Middle Class"(2)
"War on Tara"
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"Water Into Wine" (11)
"Water into Wine?"
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"Wayne Johnson"(4)
"We Make a Better Day"(5)
"We Sank a Truck"
"We Will Rock You"
"Weather Channel Follies"
"Weddin' Down South" (3)
"Wedding Bell Blues"
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"Weepy Seepy Peepee"(3)
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"Well, Duh!"
"Well, Poop"(8)
"West Wing Redux" (2)
"What Goes Around" (6)
"What if JR Shot Back"(9)
"What is a Shimkus?" (2)
"What Mark Felt"
"What Schedule?" (2)
"What Time Is It (2)"
"What We Have Here (2)"
"What Would Mitt Do?"(3)
"What's A Cubit?"
"What's a Sgarbi?" (5)
"What, Me Worry?"
"What, Me Worry?" (3)
"Where Sun Doan Shine"(8)
"Where's Frodo?" (5)
"Where's my puppy?"(4)
"Where's the Beef?"
"Where's the Fire?"(5)
"Whither Frodo?"
"Whitman's Sampler"(6)
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"Who dat?" (2)
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"Who Torted?"
"Who Was That Guy?" (5)
"Who's In Line?"(6)
"Who's We, White Boy?"(3)
"Why are you here"?(3)
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"Why Black Folks Cheered"
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"Workin' on Night Moves"
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"Wrong Again, Frodo"(3)
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"Xmas in Shreveport"(6)
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"Yankee Ingenuity"
"Yella Rose a Taxes"(4)
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"You Betcha" (6)
"You Put Your Eye Out"(2)
"You Snake in the Grass"
"You Take the High Road"
"Zimmerman Noted"(6)
"Zinni in Bloom (2)"
"Zounds, Sounds!" (5)
"Zounds, you varlet"(4)
Southern Pine Beetles"(4)
The H Word" (6)
Citizens of Middle Earth
The Fellowship of the Ring
The Return of the King
Frodo, Keeper of the Ring
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Beginnin' To Think That I'm Wastin' Time
Mood:  surprised
Topic: "Bad Time for Bonzo" (3)

It was the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Pierce, who made it all the way through the Reagan Administrations; every other Cabinet Member fell by the wayside for one reason, or another.  Frodo has been considering the survivors through one-and-a-half terms of George W. Bush, and (soliciting help here dear reader) all he can come up with is Elaine Chao, Secretary of Labor (and, coincidentally, the spouse of the Senate Minority Leader).  Every other Cabinet player in the interminably long Administrations of George W. Bush with his finger on the nuclear button has turned over for one reason, or another.  This comes to mind for Frodo, of course, because of the apparent positional execution about to take place in the new (and improved) Justice Department.

The Attorney General of the United States, who just happens to be Hispanic, has been potential toast since at least Cinco de Mayo.  With the announced resignation of Paul Wolfowitz from his joke-filled tenure at the World Bank, the bookies in Las Vegas have been paying off on the 3-5 odds they were laying that "Bonzo Gonzo" would walk the plank first.  With no apparent haste to eliminate any other member of the Cabinet, the movie "Dead Man Walking" seems to have been produced to document the closing days of "Bonzogate."  Noted at this point is the fact that absent Brother Gates and Sister Rice (and, of course, Mrs. Mitchell), Frodo is unable to even identify any other Cabinet-level performer presently suited for action.  The lone exception would be that clown Nichoilson at the VA, or whatever they renamed it while re-arranging the deck chairs.

Frodo has long resented the "reverse discrimination" of legacy appointments to America's largest universities.  Despite all the racially-charged epithets about black people and "affirmative action," there never seems to be any complaints from the closet racists who think it is their cash-endowed obligation to see the George W. Bushes of the world take up classroom space that should've gone to some poor kid from Clarksdale, Mississippi.  For that reason, Frodo is sorry that the one Hispanic in the Bush Cabinet has turned out to be even more incompetent in the performance of his duties than even the norm established for this the most incompetent of incompetents assembled for staff meetings and briefings at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.  It was probably a set-up.

Even Barney doesn't stand too close to Gonzales.  He's afraid that Cheney might be polishing his shotgun.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:15 PM EDT
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Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Our Goose Is Cooked, Our Reputation Is Shot
Mood:  on fire
Topic: "Talkin' Turkey" (3)

Frodo has indicated on numerous occasions that the entire premise of the Pre-Emptive War was based on poor analysis. Forsaking all reference to science, the theoreticians of the "New American Century" totally ignored the behavioral variables which negatively impacted on their desired course of action. Taking their flawed logic to a willing audience produced what many have referred to as the "greatest American Foreign Policy blunder." Frodo desires to spend a few moments this evening similarly projecting the outcome.

Sunni and Shiite Arabs have battled for nearly 1500 years over which interpretation of the Islamic progeniture is correct. The struggle has often been bitter and violent.  It has never ended, it has only experienced lulls. That is variable number one.

With the end of World War II, the Ottoman Empire suffered for its' support of the defeated Germans. The Empire found itself nestled into what we now know as Turkey, and the imperial outskirts became the newly-enfranchised Arab and Persian states, one of which was dubbed "Iraq."  There are no Iraqi peoples.   That is variable number two.

The British assumed responsibility for the implementation of this "New British Century," and promptly embarked upon a process of training the Arabs to defend and govern themselves, under a model designed by, and for the benefit of, the British Empire.  These stalwart scions of colonialism failed to assess the religious influences present in these newly-drawn and strangely shaped little countries.  Absent governmental institutions, it was religious and dictatorial influences which assumed eventual control throughout the region.  That is variable number three.

Taking these three variables, recognizing that they in no way represent all of the potential factors which will come into play in the days before us, it is logical to build a sentence or two just based on the facts.  Such a sentence may read thusly; "Religious institutional leadership will emerge over the governmental institutions and violence will continue as homogenous groups draw closer together."

Given the sentence just composed dear reader, let us summarize what will happen when the American military presence follows in the footsteps of the British, the Russians, and the Crusaders.  The Shiite militias will unite to bring down the "Iraqi Government," and the Sunni minority will be subjected to the next Holocaust.  Iran and Iraq, Persian and Arab, will bring pressure against Sunni-dominated states like Saudi Arabia and Egypt.  A balance-of-power will be achieved only by armed conflict and its' threat.  The result will assumedly produce economic disruption in all of the world's industrialized nations.

Frodo is certainly brash in this pronouncement, even if the logic is based on behavioral variables, which represents a little bit of science.    What is frightening is that there are those, equally brash, who base their pronouncements on the wind.  What makes anyone think that there will be no bloodbath if American troops stay in Iraq one more day, or forty more years?  The bloodbath is coming, and it will be religious, not political, and that is what makes all of the cost, all of the human waste, so very tragic.  It is waste. 

How does George W. Bush sleep at night?


Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:34 PM EDT
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Monday, May 14, 2007
Watch Me Now, Work, Work
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: "Sperm Count" (3)
The following is a true story. It will make you laugh on even the darkest of days. Frodo's grief is shattered by the laughter of good times, and great friends.

Boromir and Galadriel wanted children. They were young, healthy, and very physical. Try as they might, they kept coming up with pleasure sans results. Boromir was, at the time, a US Navy pilot who taught younger pilots how to fly newer and more sophisticated jets. Boromir was the first warrior known to Frodo who actually landed jets on aircraft carriers (the one feat which Frodo never had any interest in even attempting). The assumption therefore, was that perhaps Galadriel had a problem that was preventing the desired pregnancy.

Galadriel saw her physician and arranged a battery of tests. The results showed that she was normal in every respect, and that there was no physical problem. The corollary was, therefore, that the problem must lie with the super-hero.

Boromir was directed to the local VA Hospital & Clinic for appropriate testing. For those of you who may never have seen such a facility, the waiting area, probably about the size of a basketball court, is where patients were registered then remained sitting until their names were called. What Boromir hadn't counted on was how the testing was to be administered. Wearing his "dress whites," Boromir sat patiently while patients were directed, in turn, for treatment by a rather large and imposing Nurse with a very dark complexion. She would stand up in the middle of the registration area, call the patients name, and the purpose of the visit, probably to ensure proper identification. For example, she might have called "Frodo, eye test."

Imagine the call "Boromir, sperm count." Every head in the place, and there must have been hundreds, turned to the middle of the floor to see who was going to have his bunny whacked. Again, the leviathan screamed "Boromir, sperm count," but still Frodo's friend sat motionless, perhaps playing hard-to-get. "Boromir, sperm count," again she screamed, "Come on now darlin'." By now, Boromir was in a classic re-enactment of de Tar Baby, as he thumbed apparently disinterested through a four-year-old copy of Newsweek. "Boromir, sperm count," she screamed even louder, if possible, drawing the attention of every person within the VA campus, as Boromir strolled inattentively through the door and out of the building.

That evening, Boromir pursued his husbandly duty with renewed determination. Nine months later, the Lady Eowyn was the product of that consummation. Glorfindel followed his sister less than two years later. Boromir explained over mead and ale on hundreds of occasions with Frodo and Sam that there was no better stimulant than the public humiliation avoided by his casual swagger going unidentified out that door. Galadriel always said that it was more like he knew he had to deliver or go back and face that Nurse behind a curtain on a basketball court with the stands jam-packed with cheering fans.

Frodo would've paid the price of admission, and handed out free tickets to ensure a sell-out.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:10 PM EDT
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Sunday, May 13, 2007
I'm Gonna Live Forever, I'm Gonna Cross That River
Mood:  lucky
Topic: "Just Another Day" (3)

Sometimes, reality deals Frodo a breath of loneliness.  A friend, an inspiring person, someone to be admired, a part of Frodo, is no more.  The loss of Galadriel is but the latest example, but doesn't it confuse you, dear reader, that Frodo felt better being alone than with those who could comfort his wound?  In fact, Frodo knew that only if he was alone could he properly tell his friend good-bye.  What follows in the morrow is that for which he has prepared.

Frodo went fishing, with Fiona and Mick, the Wonder Dog.  Sam stayed behind in the Shire.  Boromir and all of those directly connected to the light that was Galadriel prepare for the guests who come to pay their respects.  Frodo would only "be in the way," so he went fishing.

Frodo was trying a new lure, and it seemed to work well.  He landed several fish for inspection by his canine companions before they were released back to the depths from which they had been so unceremoniously plucked.  The lure has multiple sets of barbed hooks, thereby increasing the likelihood that the fish would not only have hooks in his mouth, but would be snagged on another part of his anatomy.  What has always bothered Frodo about such arrangements is that removal of several hooks may do permanent damage, necessitating the demise of the fish, and his subsequent consumption by the man who watches Frodo's place when Frodo is back in the Shire.  This time however, Frodo noted his own sensitivity and patient caution in the handling of his catch, as if he were treating each as an individual, with a soul, perhaps. 

The creatures are lovely, with necessary locomotive, digestive, protective, and respiratory functions camouflaged into a mixture of pale green and white designs handsomely wrought as if by Gauguin or Titian.  Great care had been placed in this product, and it was only appropriate that Frodo take a few extra minutes to ensure the smooth transfer from captivity to freedom.  Each time, the freed one would instantaneously revive and beat a hasty retreat, showing only a flash of tail to Frodo.  What did Frodo expect?  That the fish would turn and flash a smile of gratitude?  No, Frodo knew better, and this is perhaps why the time alone was appropriate. 

Frodo got to say good-bye to Galadriel, knowing that it is best to take one's time and send a captive soul to freedom with sensitivity and respect.   Frodo does not expect to see his friend turn and wave good-bye, but he will think of her often; when his heart is gay and the waves  on Lake Lovey are gentle in the breeze of Spring.  What follows on the morrow is for Boromir, and how one warrior stands by when another is unable to fight on.  This is, perhaps, just a bit of what friendship is, isn't it?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:32 PM EDT
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Thursday, May 10, 2007
Walk This Way
Mood:  blue
Topic: "Galadriel Is No More"(3)
Frodo has written of the love between Boromir and the Lady Galadriel. Boromir of the Fellowship is a noble warrior (he landed airplanes on aircraft carriers for all the rest of you wusses out there), and a gentleman farmer. From the alien land known as Ioway he brought the light of his life to the Shire, and her gentle integrity spread all around, drawing Frodo and Sam as if they were moths pursuing a flame. Soon their union produced two halflings, the iridescent Beth and the inveterate Matthew. Frodo and Sam were privileged to watch them as they grew.

Life is not always fair or just, for savage diseases, undefined and incurable, strike without regard to honour or faith. Malignant Myeloma is a scythe that reaps those whom it befalls, and the shining light of Galadriel was dealt a tremendous blow far too early in her days. Courage is not limited to warriors however, sometimes it is a Mother who dreams only of seeing her daughter dance on her Wedding Day. So the battle began.

For many years, experimental methods, with names which include Interferon and others unfamiliar to the non-clinical ear, were the weapons used by she who fought the fight. Long after her daughter danced she challenged the Grim One, and lived a life filled with the finest of words, and that is Grace. She became a regular associate of yours, dear reader, and commented often on Frodo's fractured humor while laughing an appreciative song. She saved the postings thaat identified her as Galadriel, and Frodo believes she became a student of Lord Tolkien when Frodo told her that he believed the words were a re-write of the Book.

Of that now, Frodo will never know.

Goodbye sweet Dorothy. Arlin loved you so. Frodo is proud that he identified you, forever, as a beacon of light in the darkness. Sam and Frodo will be there on Monday next when the noblest of us all, goes home.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:30 PM EDT
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Wednesday, May 9, 2007
I Don't Need Any Money, Fortune or Fame
Mood:  hungry
Topic: "Caramel or Carmel?"(3)

The old Reading Terminal in Philadelphia, now a center for commuter trains to the Pennsylvania suburbs, now includes a Farmer's Market. Amish, from the counties around Lancaster, bring produce, handmade items, and baked goods directly to the consumer. Frodo, in earlier days, would spent countless lunch hour diversions from Mount Doom looking, talking, listening, smelling, and tasting.  One day, while lusting after the baked goods, with a special emphasis on peanut butter cookies, he noted a familiar product; that which he had always known as a "Red Velvet Cake." Frodo entered into a discussion with a young lady half his age who convincingly argued that this was an Amish creation.  Frodo had never really thought about it, he always just assumed it was something Bilbo had discovered in a cookbook.

Frodo previously discussed "buttermilk drops," and his introduction to that delicacy in the City of Orleans.  His all-time favorite culinary creation however, is mentioned in his bio, and has been the subject of but a single query in these many postings.  Frodo's curiosity about a southern writer, who happens to have grandchildren, was piqued when she mentioned that she, too, loves "caramel cake."

Caramel cake was first presented to Frodo by his Father's last surviving sister, the grand Alma, who spread a sugary, ready-to-die-for caramel covering over a white cake in a pan.  The pan was probably a foot-and-a-half long,  about a foot wide, and maybe three inches deep.  She lived most of her life in West Virginia, and today exists in a facility designed for those without memory.  She always made a caramel cake for Frodo's birthday.

After Frodo moved far away, Bilbo took over the assignment of caramel cake for Frodo, and Frodo swears that it was almost as good as that created by the grand Alma.  Now Bilbo fixes things for Bilbo, and special treats for others occur only occasionally.  Sam has all the talent and creative skill of the grand Alma, and the caramel cake which sporadically appears is no doubt touched by the Hand of God.

Sigh.  Long time until the old birthday rolls around again.  Frodo wonders if that lady in Mississippi would maybe like to split a caramel cake with her new-found friend?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:35 PM EDT
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Tuesday, May 8, 2007
So Ferry Cross The Mersey
Mood:  suave
Topic: "State Dinner" (3)

"Mr President, my name is Mr. Frodo, my title is Chancellor of the Exchequer, and I am here at the suggestion of Mrs. Bush."

"So, what am I doing with the guy who used to run a grocery store?'


"Well, you said you were the ex-chancellor at the checkout."  The President snickers.

"No Sir, that means that I am assigned the task of ensuring propriety at State Affairs.  For the White House Dinner, it is my responsibility to assist you with your, how do I say it?  Your manners, Sir."

"Laura, what's this about my manners?  Where is that woman?"

"Sir, no one is impugning your behavior, it is just that there are certain requirements which mean a great deal to the British people, and to make you aware of them would prevent anything implied as discourtesy, if you will."

"Well, I owe 'The Poodle' a great deal for helpin' me out in Irack, so I certainly don't want to do anything that might cause him a problem."

"Very good Sir, that's the spirit.  Now let's begin with the tails on your tuxedo, shall we?"

"Okay, what's to know?"

"Sir, when seating yourself at the table, you should carefully place each tail to the side of your chair.  Sitting on the tails will wrinkle them, or make them stick out at funny angles."

"Well we couldn't have that, could we?"

"Ah Sir?"

"Yes, Mr. Frodo?"

"Don't wipe your mouth with  the tails, Sir.  Use your napkin.  It is so much more appropriate."

"Let me ask about all these forks and knives and spoons.  I never have been sure about what to do after the salad fork.  That is the one on the outside, isn't it?"

"Oh yes Sir, that's quite correct.  However Sir, I strongly suggest that you not pick your teeth with the tines of your fork."

"Listen here Mr. Frodo.  I'm from Texas, and we do understand manners.  What I know is that you don't use a toothpick at the table. . ."

"That is correct Sir.  Very good, but a gentleman will deftly use his napkin as opposed to a fork."

"The napkin again, huh?  Anything else you can use it for?"

"Uh Sir, I do not suggest that your blow your nose into your napkin.  The Queen would find that to be quite offensive."

"Well, now that we've covered the napkin, and the utensils, and I know the boys serving the dinner will do just fine, exactly how do I handle pushin' back from the table, and gracefully makin' my exit?"

"For God sake, do not fart at the table."

"Well you better let Rove and Cheney in on that one."

"Are you serious?"

"Listen here Mr. Frodo, I need to know if all you English boys got sissified by being in those boarding schools together?"


"Well, we used to always say that the whole British Empire came crashin' down because the boys was all a bangin' other boys, if you know what I mean?"


"Well, except for ole Churchill, of course.  Then there's Liz's boy Charles, shoot, givin' his story, he'd fit right in with ole Newt and Rudy.  I mean with Diana and everything."

"Sir, I strongly suggest that these are not proper items for discussion with Her Majesty during dinner."

"Shoot boy, I know that.  My Dad told me he thought the old girl was going to pass out when he asked her if she'd ever had a real man."

"He did what?"

"Well, don't worry.  I won't do anything worse than old Gerry Ford."

"I'm afraid to ask."

"He busted his zipper takin' a leak just before the Queen and Phil showed up. . . Hey, somebody get some water, this here Hobbit fella just fainted!"




Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:45 PM EDT
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Sunday, May 6, 2007
Those Were The Best Times of My Life, Back in The Summer of '69
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: "Gimme Head With Hair"(3)

Frodo, Legolas, Pippin, and Tom Bombadil all enjoyed doing things out-of-doors, given that both the mountains and the beach were within a few hours by motorcar.  The River of the Potomac bisected both destinations, so the adventurers had frequent opportunity to canoe or hike, sun or swim, in a variety of settings.  What united them in all these endeavors was a new-found pleasure in fishing.  Rainy days were spent in sporting goods stores searching for lures more tempting than those owned by others in the Fellowship.  Exploratory visits to farm ponds and the fish ladder at Little Falls of the Potomac filled warm weather days no matter what time of year.  It remains a puzzle to Frodo that little Janet Perry and Cheryl Burke and Barbie Howard and Patsy Wetzel all seemed to tolerate the mutual lack of attention.  Some of the opportunities lost make Frodo shake his head to this day.

It was the dead of summer, and the heat and humidity made it perfectly clear why the British Empire had declared foreign service in this end of the Shire as worthy of "tropical duty pay."  Rain was infrequent, and the flow of water was lazy, if not stagnant, almost everywhere.  To the Fellowship it was merely a challenge which allowed them to wade into areas that were usually torrent rapids, and to venture much further up river than at any other time of year.  These locations included those where a smallmouth bass could lie in wait under a rock and grab a wayward minnow with little effort, then drift back into the same hole.  It was locations such as these that the Fellowship sought early that morning.

Frodo's motorcar was parked on the Virginia side, at the end of an unpaved road that looked down a rock escarpment to the lazy river below.   It was an easy slide down into the water, and an easier dog paddle to the checkerboard of rocks that would be their route to the lair of the virgin smallmouth bass upstream.  For long periods of time, the quartet would leap from rock-to-rock, interrupted only by hopeful casts of "Tiny Lucky 13" or "River Runt" into a quiet pool.  Laughter and horseplay, the cacophony of hormones which cement friendships for a lifetime grew silent only when a red-tailed hawk would circle overhead, and all stopped to watch, in awe.

Occasionally a canoe or a kayak would flash by heading downstream, and a friendly wave would yield a covetous remark about from one-or-the-other about having their own, some day.  As the day wore on, more and more time was spent in pursuit of the catch-and-release prey.  Frodo's memory tells him that they caught many, mostly small, but enough to make them travel on-and-on-and-on.  When finally the adventurers made solemn eye contact, each knowing that it was past time to head back, there was a unified realization that they were tired, and a long way from Frodo's motorcar.

It was already growing dark when they found the wooden construction pallet caught between two multi-ton boulders.  By the time they were able to free it, and launch it into the middle flow of the summer river, the sun had set, and the sounds of the night were all about.  With one arm thrown onto the pallet, clutching fishing rod and gear therein, each of them paddled with the free arm and kicked and walked with both feet.  Banging about off sharpened boulders and narrow aisles of water is difficult work, but considerably safer than leaping from rock-to-rock in the dark.

Pippin had a date with Barbie for which he was beaucoup late, and he lamented the eventuality until the rest could stand it no more.  Tom Bombadil was totally absorbed in the natural world, and commented from time-to-time about a snake hanging on a tree limb, or some bright-eyed creature glaring from the shoreline at the preposterous craft trying to proceed downriver.  Frodo and Legolas, soldiers that they were, paddled and kicked, paddled and kicked.  Legolas, by far, was the strongest, and it took every ounce of Frodo's strength to keep the craft from drifting too far to his side.  Frodo grew weary, perhaps mopreso thaan he realized.

At last they reached the base of the escarpment, and Frodo realized how steep it was and that he was now in water over his head.  Frodo and Legolas kicked and held the craft in position so that Pippen and Tom Bombadil could scramble up the cliff.  In so doing, the rocks became wet and muddy, making the scramble up more difficult for those now scrambling out and up.  With Pippen and Tom holding the craft in place from shore, Legolas started up, just as Frodo lost his grip and began to sink beneath the surface of the tepid river.  He was exhausted, and had little energy left to pull himself from his peril.

Frodo felt a pull from above and as his head rose above the surface, he realized that Legolas had him by his long mane of blond hair and was pulling him into the arms of all his friends.

Legolas' daughter, Erica, will graduate from Emory University this coming Saturday with a degree in Fine Arts.  She would probably laugh at hearing this story, improbable it would seem to her that her father could get a grip on the head of hair she knows to be so thin and sparse. 

Friendship is something Frodo has never been able to explain.  He's just glad it is.     

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:36 PM EDT
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Saturday, May 5, 2007
One Little, Two Little, Three Little Indians, . . .
Mood:  loud
Topic: "Dumber Than Dirt" (3)

The Democratic Party in the United States of America is celebrating an early Christmas.  Frodo, perhaps as a reward for having been good little boys and girls, has delivered ten "Ken" dolls to the office address of Mr. Howard Dean.  These symbols of American hegemony characteristically have no voice; therefore, they don't say anything.  These symbols of American intolerance characteristically have no movement; therefore, they don't do anything.  These symbols of American hypocrisy characteristically have no human qualities; therefore, they don't represent anything.  Frodo has loosened Gollum's grip on the Ring, and the end of Mordor is at hand.

The first "Ken" doll, named Huckleberry, has lost about 100 pounds, unfortunately, most of it was in brain cells.  Mick, the Wonder Dog, has greater potential for the highest elective office in all of Middle Earth than does this walking advertisement for teeth brightener.

The second "Ken" doll, named Pall, is ineligible for the Presidential post because he is a Liberian.  He was allowed to participate in the debate because he is from Texas, and he would have gone home crying if that mean, old John McCain had chased him all the way back from the "Gates of Hell."

Which brings us, via segue, to the third "Ken" doll, named McCan't, because he wanted to be in Jamestown greeting the Queen, again.  In fact, he was there when the first Elizabeth was on the throne.  He is the only candidate who was there when Ronald Reagan was born.  In fact, he still refers to his Republican hero, Herbert Hoover, as "Junior."

The fourth "Ken" doll, named "Brokeback," protests very loudly against the "gay and lesbian lifestyle," and we all know about those who "doth protest too much," don't we? 

The fifth "Ken" doll, named "Goosey-loosey," has organized all of the barnyard into a single location so that if the fox attacks again, then it won't be so difficult to tabulate all the damages.  Both of his first two wives, and their offspring, have offered to hold him down while the farmer chops off his head.

The sixth "Ken" doll, named "Tubby" neglected to mention his participation in the "mismanaged" administration, and advocated a management policy which directly conflicted with the Bill of Rights (for which he apologized the next morning).  He is the "Ken" doll who looks most like Jimmy Hoffa.

The seventh "Ken" doll, named "Tanqueray,"  is so dubbed mainly because one would have to be pretty liquored up to advocate anything this yahoo had to say.  Following in the long-time success of the Berlin Wall, he wants to separate the US of A from all of the rest of the world by masonry, if not by  lack of knowledge.  Frodo assumes he believes that putting one's head in the sand is an appropriate course of action when confronted by questions to which his fifth-grade education provided no answers.

The eighth "Ken" doll, named "Gary," has the same name as the criminal executed in Utah some years ago ("The Executioner's Song" was the book title).  He is DOA.  He is supposedly qualified because he once cut taxes in Virginia, the State which contributed "macaca" to the English language a few months ago.  He used his personal savings from the tax cut to buy an automatic weapon.

Again with a segue, the ninth "Ken" doll, named "Hummer," believes that anyone not holding a duly-authorized and issued identity card should be immediately executed, unless, of course, they were anti-abortion, then they should be elevated to consideration for the next vacancy on the Supreme Court.  Even Arnold was gagging whenever this hodad opened his mouth.

This brings us to the tenth little "Ken" doll, named "Hominy," simply because he is a pure corn product.  Had he been a contestant on one of those old TV game shows from the 1950's, the whole world would have immediately cried "Payola."  The only thing that separates him from the public projection of Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) is that he wouldn't know a "Swift Boat" if it grounded itself in the "Big Dig."

So, boys and girls, that concludes Frodo's assessment of "The Gang That Cannot be Elected."  Play with each of your dolls while you can.  Frodo is looking forward to what follows.  Want to bet that the next two we see will be the ultimate divider, and the acting District Attorney who can't seem to keep the help from one-season-to-the-next.  Frodo wants "Arthur" back where he belongs.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:48 AM EDT
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Thursday, May 3, 2007
You Can't Always Get What You Want
Mood:  chatty
Topic: "Ma Bell is Baaack" (3)
FRODO NOTE: This is the second entry for the subject date. The earlier entry was composed yesterday, entered into the system, and disappeared into the Ethernet when the DSL connection was broken. Frodo re-wrote the entry today, losing a lot in the spontaneity of the moment. However, it inspired this entry, which should serve as a warning to all mankind.

AT&T has completed its "purchase/acquisition" of the entity BellSouth. This follows earlier acquisitions which have resulted in the re-emergence of a single, dominant force in the world of telecommunications. In a word, "MA Bell" is back, and all of the consumer-friendly efforts by the US Congress to develop a more responsive communication system has gradually become bird poop. Frodo herein shares in his most recent experience with "Big Brother," or is it "HAL-9000," or perhaps it is simply "The Patriot Act."

If the truth be known, it was Sam who took the time to dial 1-888-321-2375 to complain about the dimunition of service on the residential DSL service at the Shire. Sam recognized problems when the first words heard were "Press 1 for service in Tagolog. . .". Sam was facinated with the eventual connection with a human being in Manila. After a few questions about the weather, what time of day it was there, and attempted humor referring to "Manila Vanilla" as an ancient rock group, Sam finally got to the point. For the better part of a week, the DSL service had made connections spotty, at best, and speed of service even slower than in the less expensive days of dial-up. Sam observed to the Manillan that this had not been the experience prior to the merger. The Manillan did not offer a comment in rebuttal.

The Manillan did comment that there had been reported problems in the Area Code of the Shire. The Manillan arranged for a serviceperson to appear the next day (today), and to check the "optic wire connections," free-of-charge.

Sam reported to Frodo this morning that the serviceperson from BellSouth showed as promised, and commented that the problems were pretty widespread and that "conference calls" were underway to diagnose the problems. Sam again commented that the problems had only become prevalent when the merger was finalized. The BellSouth serviceperson gave his best imitation of "De Tar Baby."

This evening, Frodo has returned once again to the keyboard to stimulate the spread of vowels across the airwaves, and things are operating quite smoothly. Sam has received a follow-up call regarding the level of satisfaction with the efforts of the Manillan. Sam responded to the automated message by suggesting that they "push 1."

Frodo asked Sam if at any time any of the computerized voices had referred to Sam as "Dave," or if anyone had asked what Sam's position on same-sex marriage happened to be? Gonzalez is still there.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:43 PM EDT
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