Mood:  on fire

It was a morning in the Shire very much like it must have been that morning, December 7th, 1941, in Pearl Harbor.  The birds were singing and there was a lilt of warmth to the Suns' rise as Frodo staggered down to breakfast.  As he passed by the technological center of the Shire, he switched on the computer, only to find that there was a discrepancy between who he happens to be, and whom he is perceived to be in pc world.  The first salvo was fired at exactly 7:00 AM, on the day marked to celebrate the end to all war. 

Frodo's first antagonist was at a call center in Louisville (Frodo was tempted to ask her if she was one of the morons who cast a vote for Ron Paul's kid, but he figured that since he needed her cooperation he'd let it pass).  For nearly an hour she stumbled through her checklist of "enter" "delete" "reset" and so on, and eventually seemed to have licked the problem.  That lasted until Frodo called up his e-mail and attempted to enter another web world.

Frodo's second call must have gone to Swaziland, but the thing that was sure was that this young lady had major decibel shortages since birth.  Time and again Frodo asked her to repeat what she had just said, simply because he not only had trouble understanding what she said, but it was nearly impossible to even hear her.  After innumerable frustrations, Frodo realized that his cellphone was dying too, and before he could make arrangements to continue in conversation with "The Dog Whisperer," he was cut off, with no avenue of future access.

Assailant Number Three was from the soft underbelly of the Asian sub-continent, and she had to be new on the job.  After repeating, in order, each of the steps taken by her predecessors, she had Frodo reverse the DSL cable from wall-to-modem-to-modem-to-wall, and chuckled while she listened to him grunt and squeal as he moved furniture and cables to no avail.  She concluded by telling Frodo that the problem was not with "Ma Bell," and that he would have to proceed with the "fee-based" diagnostic center, to which she could switch him immediately, but that they would waive the fee in this instance.

Number Four (note the similarity to a former inmate on "The Prisoner" starring Patrick McGoohan) was a complete asshole.  She proceeded to lecture Frodo on the lack of protocol exhibited by Assailant Number Three, and to "shush" him several times while she explained that to proceed would require an open withdrawal from his credit card not to exceed $129 for less than 60 minutes of "dialogue."  There was no guarantee that this would resolve his problem.  Frodo also received a negative response when he asked if she would pay him $129 if it came to pass that "Ma Bell" was indeed responsible for the entire mess.  She evidently thought Frodo was amused.

Frodo went back to the well of assistance one more time.  After all, it was now 12:30, Frodo had no breakfast, no computer, no reason to go to work, and nothing to lose.

The Assistor this time was definitely from the South Side of Chicago, or from any of several other ghetto locations in Urban America, but Hey, he and Frodo sort of shucked and jived as if they were Ludacris and Kid Rock.  Frodo was now using Sam's cell phone, and he could hear the ominous intermittent chirping that signals the demise of these instruments.  Together, they raced through the protocols, and at last mutually concluded that since their last attempt proved inconclusive, that the problem was probably not "Ma Bell," but one of thousands of other undiagnosed sources of conflagration.  They parted friends.

Frodo called "The Geek Squad."  These guys would come to the Shire for $99 for an hour, and quickly demonstrated to Frodo that they could reach a satisfactory end to the continuing assault on his freedoms.  They made an appointment, and Frodo retreated to his cave in order to ready the scene for his visitor.  He turned off the computer, after thinking about it for a bit, and just sat and glared at the black screen for a couple of minutes.  It was as if he were plotting the attack on Guadalcanal in 1942.

When he turned on the computer, it lit up as if Heaven-sent.

It is nice to be a veteran of armed conflict on this day.  Everybody appreciates what you have been through.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:09 PM EST

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Mood:  irritated

First, let us consider what we know.

Representative Rex Duncan (R-Sand Springs) authored a proposed amendment to the Oklahoma Consitution that would prohibit state courts from considering international or Islamic law when deciding cases.  The proposal received 70 percent of the vote resulting from the November 2nd election.  Representative Duncan stated that this was not an attack on Muslims, rather it sought to prevent activist judges from relying on international or Islamic law when deciding legal cases.

US District Judge Vicki Miles-LaGrange issued a temporary restraining order blocking adoption of the proposed amendment pending the lawsuit filed by an Oklahoman named Muneer Awad.  Mr. Awad stated that his "constitutional rights were being violated through the condemnation of my faith."  He added that, "Today's ruling is a reminder of the strength of our nation's legal system and the protection it grants to religious minorities."

Representative Duncan, surprised by the decision, stated "It thwarts the will of the people."

Somewhere between 20,000 and 30,000 Muslims call Oklahoma "Home."

Now let us consider what we do not know.

Why would anyone call Oklahoma "Home"?

Why would anyone want to call Oklahoma "Home"?

If you spit straight up into the air on the western border of Oklahoma, will the saliva remain intact until it strikes something beyond the eastern border?

Do 30,000 Muslims think that Oklahoma resembles Saudi Arabia?

Has anyone quizzed their GPS in order to determine if one can drive around Oklahoma without passing through?

Is it true that Oklahomans think the "Magna Carta" is a 16-ounce tall boy?

Finally, we ask ourselves, would Mexico take back Texas if we threw in Oklahoma?  Or would it be too much of a disincentive?

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:59 PM EST

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Mood:  celebratory

"Mister Frodo, a border collie is a working dog.  She will absolutely require that you spend at least an hour a day, every single day, with no time off for holidays, exercising her body and her mind.  To fail her in this need, well, it would be cruel, and I would advise you to get another type of pet."  So said Dr. Porsches (an alias provided to he who now owns two Porsches because of Frodo's contributions to his veterinary practice).

An hour a day.

That is a very significant contribution of resources by an aging businessman, not to mention a Hobbit warrior.  The relationship that Frodo had with Lovey comprises some of the finest hours of his life, and he does not regret that hour, every single day, for even one second.  Together, they ran in the early-morning rain, and they swam in waters still and calm.  They chased tennis balls, and avoided enraged cattle who resented being herded.  They climbed mountains, and they explored forests, primeval and restored.  They parted when it was her time, and the light never disappeared from her eyes, of that Frodo is sure.

"Mister Frodo, you write very well, and I look forward to your exploits and your passion.  Promise yourself that you will devote one hour per day, every day, to writing about what you have to write about."  So said the Warrior Merry (an alias provided to she who castigated and chided the Hobbit and is technically responsible for these words herein).

Another hour a day.

That is also a significant contribution of time and resources, but it took a polite kick-in-the-ass to get Frodo off his duff and to put into words the College of the Shire, Mick (the Wonder Dog), the Shire itself, and events that shape a world while having no impact on the flora and the fauna of the oldest mountain chain on our small blue planet.  If, dear reader, there is every any laughter added to your life, or a solitary tear shed in empathy for the most telling of moments, then you have Proud Merry to thank.  Frodo has not regretted a single thing he has said, and he is actually kind of proud of most of it.

This is posting number 1,000.  It occurs amid the sixth year of Frodo's effort.  It also evidences the fact that Frodo has missed his hour-a-day goal.

Like the President whom he so admires, he will try to do better. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:19 PM EDT

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Mood:  not sure

Frodo will rake leaves this day, then he will move fragile plants from their warm-weather homes out-of-doors into the darkness for the duration of winter's grasp.  He will dig gladiolus bulbs and store them in order to re-plant and space, come the brighter days sure to return when balance is restored to the Shire.  He will fill feeders for those redbreasts who now gorge on fat, red berries in the dogwoods, and, for sure, those who watch and wait from their aeries which will serve the birthing of rodents aloft.  Preparation is characteristic in these days, and it is Frodo's lesson dear reader, for those who invite the pain and suffering in looking back while denying themselves the simplest of pleasures.

Frodo has closed two big deals in recent days, and two more hang like fresh fruit in a tropical forest.  Months of self-denial and concentrated effort offer the Hobbits an opportunity to, once again, count their blessings and to enjoy the filled larders of success in business.  Even if Spring should arrive much later than normal, the Hobbits are prepared.

However, the travel brochures have started to arrive en masse, and the deals are fantastic.  There is no discussion of place or voyage that would require sweater or coat.  Sam has renewed interest in completing a circuit of all the original seven wonders, excluding of course the Hanging Gardens.  Frodo still has visions of himself as Paris, defending the prize he took from Agamemnon, and walking the Plains of Troy. 

Mick, the Wonder Dog, stands ready to assist his friend in the tasks at hand, and he daily reminds Frodo that some dreams are best deferred, but never allowed to disappear.  Lest we all forget.  

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:35 AM EDT

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Mood:  celebratory

The Texas Rangers, who play baseball in the suburbs of the ugliest town in the ugliest state, got their asses handed to them last night by a "rag-tag" group from San Francisco, called the Giants.  Although Frodo has no allegiance to either team, and the San Francisco Giants eliminated his Gallant Braves from the play-offs, Frodo hates everybody less than he hates anything from Texas.  He couldn't help but think that Nancy Pelosi feels much the same, and he is honored to be on her side.

The Dallas Cowboys, whp play in the ugliest stadium in the ugliest town in the ugliest state, have gotten their asses handed to them six times, so far, in the National Football League season.  This is particularly galling to Jerry Jones, the owner of "America's Team" (a term stolen from Ted Turner), who built the cornucopic monstrosity that he hoped would be used to host the next Super Bowl, starring of course, the spoiled brats of his payroll.  Losses have included that to Frodo's favorites, the Washington Redskins who not only scalped their long-time rivals in their own ballpark, but they basically castrated them.  The Cowboys stink so bad that the infamous "Little Sisters of the Poor" are trying to get a game scheduled with them, and the LSOP are already 10-point favorites.

The University of Texas, who play in the only space in the entire state which is totally inhabited by non-cretins, but is surrounded therein by Neanderthals, is unranked in the BCS Rankings for the top college football team.  Since Frodo was a mere gleam in his daddy's eye, the "Longhorns" have dominated these rankings, and have always been in the "Top Ten," until this year.

The people of the State of Texas have Governor Rick Perry.  One of the Texas Congressional Districts continues to be "manned-up" by Willy Gomert.  The worst President in the history of the US of A maintains his brushpiles in Crawford.

As Frodo considers exactly how grim and forlorn life would be for anyone with an IQ greater than that of a bullfrog who was forced, by circumstance and/or fate, to reside in America's Texas outhouse, he concludes that losing a few House seats doesn't really matter much at all.  Just think how much worse life could be, "living" in Texas.  

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:23 PM EDT

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Mood:  a-ok

Friday, October 29, 1929, the infamous "Black Friday," took place exactly 81 years ago.  Frodo sensing an ominous wind as he tries to prepare himself for great disappointment to come, notices that Sam seems serene and composed.  Thinking only to himself, he remembers discussion about "the litany," to which, he admits, he had paid but subservient attention.  He always assumed that Sam's Mother, a paragon of order and peaceful personal discipline had instilled a methodology in her offspring that allowed the mind and body to prepare for challenge.  How wrong Frodo has been.

Sam has beaten cancer, twice.  Sam endured a stepmother who developed dementia so severe that mere contact with father before his death became difficult.  Sam's lone sibling, a sister who is adored as best friend finds her independence and life quality in peril.  Sam deals with an affliction which prevents the production of liquids in the body, so there are no tears, no saliva.  Sam lives a life of tolerance and respect for others which inspires Frodo to fight harder, every day.  Sam knows how to try hard.

Frodo finally decided to ask Sam directly.  "This 'litany,' I assume, is something you learned from your Mother?"

"No.  Actually, it was something I read some time ago, and, over time, I've taken the 'mantra', changed some of the words, and found a way to bring a day to an end, peacefully."

"Hmm," said Frodo, "is this like the counsel every newlywed couple receives from someone on the wedding day to 'never go to bed angry'?"

"No, it starts with simply recognizing that there's something out there which is bigger than either Sam or Frodo, and addressing some very basic 'thank-yous' for giving me another day, or for how good I felt all day long."

"And then?"

"And then I apply some of that to the needs around us, some is personal, some is broader in scope."

"So how does it differ from a simple prayer?"

"It takes place as I let the day escape, and a peaceful rush comes over me when health and happiness are associated with people I love who can use some good thoughts.  It includes all the creatures of the Shire, too.  I don't ask for anything I just fall asleep thinking about people getting better, and being happier.  That, dear Frodo, is the litany."

"So, would the President fit into the litany?"

"I think of him, and the encouragement that we all need when everyone and everything seem to line up against us."

"What about the opposition, those whom we mock and, in truth, despise?"

"What, you think I'm going to stay up half the night hoping that Sarah Palin gets over her mental illness?"

Sam laughed.

Frodo may indeed by the smallest and the weakest, but he is also, the most fortunate. 

His birthday litany is decided.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:30 PM EDT

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Mood:  on fire

One would think that Frodo was an Iraqi journalist.  That is, when his shoe went whizzing by the head of Marco Rubio, on Frodo's black-and-white, appearing in debate last evening with his opponents for the Senate from Florida.  He did not lie, mind you, but he presented, as facts, that which was obfuscated or ignored.

Rubio noted, as fact, that this is the first year that Social Security has paid out more than it has collected.  He indicated, as fact, that if this situation continued at this rate predictions are that somewhere between the years 2027 and 2041 Social Security would be unable to meet its obligations.  This, of course, leads to the assertion that America's seniors would be left high and dry.

For the record, asserts Frodo, let us note that the "Baby Boom" generation, the largest increase in population that we have ever experienced, commenced in 1945, with the end of World War II.  It should be noted that 2010 minus 1945 equals 65.  This number is significant because it represents the age of those who today are first, or eldest, among the "Baby Boomers."  It is, as Rubio noted, also the first year the Social Security trust system ran at a deficit.

Carrying the thought forward, let us further note that the population continued to expand significantly until about 1960, when the "Baby Boom" effectively ended.  If one were to, correctly adds Frodo, assume that the Social Security trust system ran at a deficit during each of those years when the "Baby Boomers" hit age 65, then the effects of the population growth would end in or about 2025.  This is, of course, two years before, even under the most dire of estimates, the Social Security trust system would reach the projected inability to meet its obligations.

What Mario didn't say was that, given prudent management, and responsible fiduciary performance, the Social Security trust system will neither run out of money, nor will it fail to meet its obligations to America's seniors and disabled, ever.

That is the "politics of fear," and it is why Frodo threw his shoe at the smarmy little turd.   Frodo is willing to bet that Rubio is a Texan. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:03 PM EDT

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Mood:  amorous

Her name was Kitty Kreft and she was humongous.  In fact, she was the biggest girl in Frodo's class.  She could have removed each of Frodo's thighs and consumed them as if he were the featured item at KFC.  Frodo was always on his best behavior around her, simply because she always seemed to be staring at him and, although he may have only imagined it so, she seemed to be licking her chops.  It was against this backdrop that Frodo reacted with horror when he heard her say that she intended to kiss Frodo.

Frodo was saving himself for marriage.  After all, he had been lead to believe that the systemic construction of the body dictated that everything entered orally, and was released through the various remaining orifices.  Frodo had no intention of being forced to impregnate The Incredible Hulk by kiss, but the problem was that she was not only bigger than Frodo, but she could run like an enraged rhinocerous. 

Frodo was always first off the bus, giving him a head start down the street, across Mrs. Shoultes lot, over the drainage ditch, up the driveway, and through the breezeway to the back door.  Frodo's route, and his swivel-hipped impersonation of "Crazy Legs Hirsch," carried him through that Fall of his second school year and instilled an aura of confidence, which, unfortunately, morphed into overconfidence.

Perhaps it was the extra clothing for warmth, but Frodo became aware that late gray afternoon of his pursuer swiftly gaining ground.  In desperation, Frodo flew across the breezeway and attempted to circle around the garage in order to confuse Brontosaurus, but a purposeful objective, Frodo was about to learn, was something hard to avoid.  Suddenly, Frodo was spread-eagle on the ground, and the Predator gazed deep into his eyes, saliva dripping from her nostrils, as she prepared the coup de grace.  The inevitable was at hand.

"AAARRRGGGHH," screamed Frodo as he breathlessly expended all his energy in one final attempt to throw off his attacker before his seed was accepted in the mouth of the Cyclops. 

Kitty Kreft and her family moved to Berryville that Spring.  She never knew that she was a Mother. 

Wondering about his first kiss, Frodo has assumed that Kitty Kreft is still in a state of euphoria, if not the Pro Football Hall of Fame.  

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 7:59 PM EDT

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Mood:  vegas lucky

Over the years, Frodo has stood in lines of all kind in order to cast his solitary support for candidates with names like McGovern, Carter, Clinton, and Obama.  He has thrown his support behind a Republicant or two along the way, generally because there was a wide variance between the individual candidates.  He voted, last time around, for current Senator Johnny Isakson (R-GA), simply because he was a far superior statesman to his opponent, one-term Congressperson Denise Majette.  It should be noted that Frodo plans to vote for Thurbert Baker, Isakson's opponent, this time around.

Frodo's favorite voting process was in Louisiana.  Voting in Louisiana, by State Law, takes place on Saturday, and there is no requirement that the polling place must be in a public accommodation..  Frodo, cross his heart, has actually voted in a garage or two in suburban locations outside the City of Orleans.  It was not uncommon for one of those waiting in line to be imbibing, or to offer Frodo the opportunity to share.  David Vitter (R-GA), the Senator being challenged by Congressman Melancon, had better hope that a lot of that is going around this time.

In 2008 Frodo voted "early," in order to avoid long lines and big crowds.  The location to which he was directed had a line that was two hours long, and nearly all of those in line were black.  Frodo knew then that Barack Obama would be our next President, and he would have stood in line for a month in order to have shared his support. 

It is with great trepidation that Frodo plans to cast his vote "early" again.  He will know, on that day, how the "Mid-terms" will turn out overall.  The opposition, again, consists of a great number who would go to any length, and endure any hardship, in order to vote against Barack Obama.  If the lines are short where Frodo will vote, no matter the make-up of the participants, then Frodo will know that the next two years will be the playground for a Speaker of the House who believes that the Constitution has a Preamble.

Georgia is no bellweather for Middle Earth.  True it is that they will probably provide a plurality to an incompetent felon in the gubernatorial race.  Nathan Deal (R-GA) has been noted as one of the 15 most corrupt members of Congress (a group that includes Charlie Rangel , Maxine Waters, and Jesse Jackson, Jr.), and he will most likely file personal bankruptcy before any indictments take effect.  He is, however, a Republican, and that takes precedence over competence, to some.  These "some" will be in line to vote, and others will not.  "That," said Hamlet, "is the rub."

Frodo has been reading the obituaries in the newspaper for the last several days.  He has noted that more fat,old, white guys have died than have any other group.  He was heard to say that he hopes the trend continues for the next week or so, and that none of them were "early" voters.

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:15 PM EDT

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Mood:  not sure

Once upon a time, when life was so much simpler, there really was a show on the black-and-white called "Saturday Night at The Movies."  Frodo remembers this gathering, but has little rememberance of the fare.  Glad he was, just to have the opportunity to see a movie, even with lengthening commercials weekly.  In truth, the only movie he can recall from the showing was one that starred Robert Mitchum and Marilyn Monroe, and in the movie, they were escaping from danger by rafting own a raging river, and, reflecting later developmental issues, Frodo remembers that Marilyn wore a very tight shirt.

This evening Frodo began to weary of sports on TV.  Now that the Yankees have been eliminated from World Series consideration, Frodo only has the Texas Rangers to hate, but they aren't on.  Georgia Tech played like Georgia Yech against Clemson in football, and now Tennessee is playing Alabama, but watching so many illiterates gathered together in one location gives fear that Sarah Palin may soon appear.  Frodo began to scroll through all available resources in order to identify a movie on one of the multitude of available selections.

In truth, had he been able to find that movie with Mitchum and Monroe, he would've settled down with a half-inch or so of Maker's Mark, and wondered about the off-screen activities of the headliners.  What he did find were approximately 30 odd movies scattered between cable networks and premium channels.  Unfortunately, all 30 or so seem to suck.  Even a cursory analysis proved that Frodo has not missed much since the last showing of "Saturday Night at the Movies."

Frodo greatly enjoyed an eyeball dalliance with Anne Rice and "Interview with the Vampire," which he surrendered once the pithy movie, starring Brad Pitt, caused him to almost wet his breeches (in hoots of laughter), and to find a new theme for his curiosities.  Unfortunately it seems, there are others who decided that making movies about vampires was something cool, and that Frodo would be tempted to waste valuable time (and a half-inch of Maker's Mark) watching their pithy movies. 

Others seem to think that Frodo will be entranced by war movies based in Iraq or Afghanistan.  With the exception of "The Hurt Locker," which they viewed by accident and appreciated beyond description, Sam and Frodo have not yet been able to assimilate the movies about Vietnam.  Sam, in truth, has never watched "Platoon," and Frodo has never pressed the point.  Sam already knows who the enemy was. 

Sam enjoys movies that Frodo cannot understand.  Not to infer that Frodo is a dunderhead, it is true that he simply has great difficulty with English or English-sounding accents, and he can't get over the fact that all male subjects of the Queen are homosexual.

Merry will respond at this point about Hugh of her dreams.

Note that Frodo has not mentioned political shows as an alternative to either sports or movies.  That is because Frodo doesn't think he can absorb information from another poll of any kind for at least the next two weeks.  There are simply so many of them that he is unable to remember whether or not he has been exposed to the results of a particular poll, or not. 

Life was so much simpler when Frodo could spend an entire evening thinking about Marilyn Monroe. 

Joe Di Maggio was an idiot. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:37 PM EDT

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