Mood:  irritated

Frodo believed then, and he believes now, that the Department of Homeland Obscurity was a stupid idea.  No Texan, in Frodo's opinion, has ever had a good idea (with the possible exception of everyone who has moved out of Mexico's largest province and sought solace in any place else on the Planet Earth).  Every person retaining Texas residence should immediately be placed on a "Do Not Fly List," and administered a field sobriety examination.  Creating the world's largest civilian bureaucracy was the kind of decision that Frodo expects of those with names like Bush, Connolly, or Jerry Jones.

If there were no DHS (federal agencies are required to develop and utilize their own distinctive acronym), Frodo believes that the following guidelines would already be in effect protecting the airborne among our citizenry.

First, no airline ticket costing more than $500 could be purchased with cash.  Now, before you get your underwear tied in knots, consider how often you've been able to rent an automobile in an all cash transaction.  The precedent is there, and despite the protestations of the Nigerians, who claim to be an 'all cash' society, they certainly ask for credit card information every time some Nigerian Banker's Son sends Frodo the news that he is soon to be the proud possessor of a $10M inheritance from the recently-departed Prince Somnambulism who had been miraculously looking for Frodo for many years.

Second, no son should be allowed to board an aircraft if his father has notified two or more embassies that he is behaving improperly.  Please note that Frodo does not include women in this restrictive connotation (after all, it would be hypocritical, if not counterproductive, for anyone who has devoted a lifetime in search of 'bad girls' to punish them. . .hmm, let's hold that thought for a while).

Finally, the total elimination of carry-on baggage would enhance both the safety and the fiscal independence of the traveler.  If the accountants who run the airlines no longer had the ability to generate 'service charges' for carry-ons, then they might shift their concentration to something involving true concern for their passengers.  Frodo would be the first to turn Sam into the TSA (note appropriate acronym for those now known as "the water-bottle gestapo") for masquerading the hand-held carry-on as a "purse."

The suggestions submitted herein do not result from the conduct of a single off-site staff meeting.  No Texan, living or dead, participated in the formulation thereof.  No taxes will be increased in order to implement these changes to present security systems.  No partisan political positions will be enhanced by any of these damn good ideas (Frodo doesn't think much of Texas Democrats, either).

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:13 PM EST

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Mood:  not sure

With just a few days to go, the Shire has experienced more rain in the past year than in any other year, save one, ever.  This coming on top of an unparalleled drought, which severely limited the growth of the economic engines running the Sun Belt.  Now even frozen New England is projected to experience a sustainable return to normalcy quicker than is the lower-taxed and more favorable working conditions of the American South.  Things have gotten turned around for Frodo, and it is causing him severe consternation amid his search for answers.

The latter days of the decade of the dregs have dawned sunny and bright, but there is a chill in the air which makes the anticipated tasks in the gardens of the Shire, and upon Frodo's motorcar, beyond reasonable effort.  That drives Frodo back inside whence he draws upon the struggle between two universities about whom he has no interest, and their gridiron performance which brings Frodo to conclude that there must be something on the Internet with even a modicum of intellectual challenge.  When that assumption is burst, Frodo, again, looks outside at the blue skies and avians in search of sustenance.

Frodo's canine companions are content to stay warm and inactive.  Sam is trimming toenails (a sometimes all-day job) and Bilbo is looking at old black-and-white photographs (an activity which immediately hastens one's final visit to the cemetery).  Frodo knows how that weirdo in the cabin in Montana must have felt just before he initiated the correspondence which yielded the creation of the "Unibomber' (or is that "Unabomber"?).

Frodo will first interrupt Bilbo, and perform an in-depth analysis of fiscal resources and commitments for the benefit of his control over those assets.  He will then waken those whose spirits are akin to the "Hound of the Baskervilles," and make them perform sentry duty about the very fringes of Middle Earth.  Upon their return he will suffer the pangs of frostbite as he removes the geophysical detritus which dulls the sheen of his motorcar.  It is not a total sense of obligation that drives him so on a Sunday, it is just the knowledge that unless he acts with zest and purpose, he is likely to do something stupid like make a list of Republican screw-ups and present them to you, dear reader, as "Boehner's Boners," or "Palin's Pratfalls."

It is too soon removed from Christmas for him to swarm upon the ignorant with malice aforethought.  Better to wait until the New Year (and a day that is both frigid and overcast).   

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:28 PM EST

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Mood:  accident prone

Bilbo asked Frodo if he recalled his dish-washing adventure with the gallant Howard and, instantly, Frodo broke into a smile.  The events are true.

Several years ago the gallant Howard, recently widowed, came to the Shire to spend some recovery time with Frodo and Sam.  Frodo and Sam were both working, and the gallant Howard could amuse himself with his friends Lovey (a border collie and surrogate Secretary of State), Gumbo (Sam's personal dog of mass destruction), Rocky (the feline Italian Stallion), and Peeper (cockatiel waitress).  Sam's hours at work were irregular thus producing instances when Frodo would join this assemblage in performing strictly-dictated Sam-assigned duties.  Frodo, it is well-chronicled, is skilled in word and sword, but the mechanical is that which he is more than willing to out-source.  The gallant Howard, product of another generation, was used to long hours of work, none of which however involved "housework."  Thus was the stage set for the reprise of that golden moment when life (again) imitated art.

Sam had left written instructions for Frodo and the gallant Howard to include "run the dishwasher" in their assignments that infamous Saturday morning.  Sam also indicated a planned return to the Shire just after lunch.  After several cups of coffee, a discussion of the prior night's football action, and the requirements of pet care, Frodo and the gallant Howard sort of looked at one another as they absorbed the content of Sam's instructions.  Mutually, they opened the dishwasher, examined the dials and buttons, and performed as if, individually, they had any idea of what to do next.  There has been some dispute since as to who exactly took hold of the "dishwashing liquid" and commenced to pour the contents into the little container inside the washer.  No matter really, since neither protested that this course of action would prove to be unwise.

Things were going famously until the gallant Howard noted bubbles emerging from the top of the washing machine.  The situation swiftly became critical, and was so noted by the other inhabitants of the Shire.  Lovey, Gumbo, and Rocky high-tailed it for the great outdoors as the kitchen began to resemble a virtual bubbly wonderland.  Peeper sought the comfort of her cage, and did her best to shut and lock the door behind her.

By now Frodo and the gallant Howard were in a near state of panic since the bubbles were waist high throughout the kitchen, and were threatening expansion into both the living and the dining areas of the Shire.  Frodo, sans goggles, dived into the now open door of the washing machine, and managed to stop the machine.  The bubbles, however, continued to multiply as if they were a backdrop for a performance by the late Don Ho.

The gallant Howard had the good sense to assemble mops and rags (giving Frodo reason to believe that he had experienced something like this at an earlier point in his life), and the two warriors commenced to wipe up and dance about the kitchen area as the clock moved relentlessly toward the noon hour.

With but moments to spare, the bubblemachine ran out of ammunition and the desperate defenders of the Shire were turning the kitchen area into a paragon of cleanliness.  As Sam pulled into the driveway, Frodo and the gallant Howard returned all movables to their previous point of embarkation, and fell into their assigned positions of leisure as if nothing had at all occurred.  Sam did not become suspicious, immediately, even though the other residents of the Shire inexplicably failed to return for traditional treats in the kitchen area.

Frodo thought they had gotten away with it.  Then, the gallant Howard broke the code of the Mafia, and Sam swarmed into an exploratory examination of the entirety of the Shire.  The animals came back inside, and Peeper (who, indeed, talked) sealed the facts for Sam.  Frodo would take the blame.

That evening, still sulking, Frodo turned on the black-and-white, and happened upon the play, turned into a movie, entitled "Mister Roberts."  It would be the first of many occasions when he was able to laugh about the happenings under his control as the de facto "Laundry and Morale Officer" of the S.S. Shire.  

Ensign Pulver lost Doug Roberts not long thereafter, and all of the crew members have moved on to higher calling.  The adventures, however, never end, and the Shire remains a refuge for the only partially controlled.     

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 12:48 PM EST

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Mood:  don't ask

Frodo's habit is to absorb the events of the day, and to comment on serious matters only after absorbing something more than a modicum of facts.  This is an exception, for Frodo senses something in the air, and it does not feel right.  Perhaps, in another life, Frodo caught scent of a saber-toothed tiger, or a wild fire burning in the distance, or the snapping twig of a footfall behind him.  Tonight he senses a political trap, and he is fearful.

What if the passage of a Healthcare Reform Bill in denuded format is exactly what "they" have wanted from the very beginning?  What if the entire strategy was based on the premise of separating the base from the coalition of supporters who ensured political victory for the Democrats?  What would it take?  How would it occur?

Remember, dear reader, the "Southern Strategy" of Richard Nixon, whereupon the disaffected whites fled the confines of the familial relationship that had endured for decades?  The Republican Party took them in, offering safe haven from the onslaught of those who depended on public assistance and brought crime to neighborhoods and schools.  If such a strategy had been successful once, couldn't it be amended and applied once again?

If, as Frodo understands what has been presented this evening, the Senate Version of the Healthcare Reform legislation offers financial assistance to those who cannot afford to meet that which is mandated, and the concomitant costs to those who meet the definition of Middle Class reach a mandate equivalent to that of housing, then the stage is set for the destruction of the Democratic Party.  Is it not conceivable that, once again, there would be a run to the umbrella that fails to include those who depend on public assistance and who bring crime to neighborhoods and schools.  History has shown us that these people vote their fears, and their pocketbooks, and they do, indeed, vote.

Frodo, if the facts are as presented to him at this moment, agrees that the President must veto the Bill.   

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 10:17 PM EST

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Mood:  vegas lucky

"Opt in" and "veterans benefits" are terms that Frodo never really thought much about, until recently.  For the first time, Frodo has been presented with some public issues that directly impact upon him, and his standard of living.  Always before Frodo depended only upon his personal resolve, and the "rules of the road."  Now, however, he is confronted with the other side of the coin, and it makes him uncomfortable.

Frodo's father fought in World War II and, as his survivor, therefore, Bilbo is entitled to certain benefits for care in assisted living.  Bilbo will probably receive a little more than a thousand dollars per month for as long as qualified in order to help offset the onerous cost which emanates from these necessary services.  Given a combination of Social Security and savings, Bilbo is in position to maintain financial independence for a reasonable projection of life.  Absent the assistance of Social Security and "veterans benefits," it would be a very different story for Bilbo, and the anxiety thus created would likely destroy any concept of pleasurable existence.

Frodo is helping Bilbo document her application for veterans benefits.  He has never before applied for anything that didn't require re-payment.  Frodo assumes that what Bilbo will receive is actually a re-payment for services rendered, but it just seems strange for Frodo to ask for anything from his fellow citizens.

Frodo has been gainfully employed every single day for what will be exactly forty years, next month.  That is a long time, in fact, longer than years of service almost everywhere in Middle Earth.  Yet, Frodo falls below the magical determination by age which ensures his qualification for Medicare, and so does Sam.  To be fiscally responsible, Frodo must subject himself to the usury of health insurance for the self-employed and keep working for another five years.  Had the capacity to "opt in" or "buy" Medicare, even at a much higher than normal rate, become a part of the currently-debated "Healthcare Reform" come into being, Frodo could step aside, and give others the opportunity to take over and grow the business.

Apparently, the "option" to "buy in" will not be made available to Frodo.  It would be easy to concentrate on Senators, and their motivations, and to hope that pustules break out upon the ass of Joe Lieberman (?-CT), thereby causing him as much "angst" as he has brought to bear on those similar in status to Frodo.

That brings Frodo back to the point that his initial consideration is for himself, and that is worrisome to him.  

Frodo worries about lots of people, not least of which are those without access to life-saving services, preventative treatment, or professional end-of-life care.  Frodo does not fall into any of these categories, so it is with that in mind that he will look at the absence of "opt in" as "unfortunate" for him, and do his best with the cards dealt to him.

He will, however, revel in any misfortune that befalls that smirking turd, Lieberman. 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:39 PM EST

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Mood:  lyrical

Doing business as the Holiday Season approaches and surrounds Frodo is difficult enough, but there is also a seasonal intensity for closure prior to a seemingly universal period of inactivity.  Frodo has been circling Middle Earth as a participant in the frenzy, and sometimes it is difficult to match appointments with directions, and he ends up somewhere that has no relationship to his end-goal.  Despite MAPQUEST and his GPS, Frodo finds that if the starting point is a misdirection, then efforts to correct mid-course leave him dodging icebergs (some might call them red lights, traffic accidents, and police cars).  There is an open bottle of GELUSILS on the seat of his motorcar.

There is also Scott Shannon, disc jockey extraordinaire, who will play a song by the Dixie Belles, then comment on something astounding in the news, cleverly disguising a segue into another song which may have been the only hit ever penned by one named Harry Chapin.  Then, there is Bing Crosby, or Bing Crosby and David Bowie, Brenda Lee, Elvis Presley, and possibly even Alvin of Chipmunk fame, warbling a unique composition about the Season.  Frodo's blood pressure returns to the sub-normal of the long-distance runner.

Christmas songs also reflect the American art form.  "Silver Bells," "I'll be Home for Christmas," "The First Noel," and "The Little Drummer Boy," all have their place in the traditions of the Winter Equinox.  But it is Elvis singing "Blue Christmas" that brings out the little boy in Frodo.  What about that great video of Dolly and Kenny, portraying their chance meeting in the days before World War II, in a pub in a jolly, old Hollywood Sound Stage?  It makes Frodo want to see if his personal choreography matches the picture in his mind.

Who cares if Frodo is fifteen minutes late for the meeting with that corpulent representative of an underperforming financial institution?  Scott just put a spin on Gene Autry, and Frodo will spend a few seconds singing along until he reminds himself that the reindeer still love him, too.  

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:55 PM EST

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Mood:  cool

Frodo is a big hit at parties (hint, hint).  For some inexplicable reason, he thinks up cool things to occupy the lightly-inebriated, and some times it even means that no one has to remove their clothes.  Frodo often asks the listener to document their very first cognitive moment in life.  "How old were you, what were the circumstances, and how do you know exactly how old you were?"  Frodo begins the game with this true story, and it is a kind of neat segue into the promised topic for this evening.

Bilbo's Second child was born exactly two years and nine months, to the day, after Frodo.  The event in question took place on Christmas Eve, and the Second child was ambulatory.  This means that Frodo was most likely four years and three months old when he looked down through the transom in the joint bedroom he shared with the Second child, and they both watched Bilbo and Frodo's Father placing toys under the Christmas tree.  The next day, of course, Frodo heard the usual discourse about "Santa Claus," and it was the moment that he first used the expletive "Bullshit."  Traumatic moments, such as what followed, are often the basis for the first memory.

The Second child followed Frodo almost everywhere, and that was no problem.  The enmity developed much later, when Frodo began to distance himself from activities at home, and the Second child had not yet caught on.  The conflicts became more frequent when the Second child felt it necessary to share Frodo's secrets, as if there needed to be a penalty for growing up and away.  On the other hand, Frodo was a successful student, and it was as if the Second child was in a constant state of secondary achievement.  Sibling rivalry being what it truly is, there was no permanent damage at this point in time.

Frodo began to accumulate rights of passage which were, quite naturally, more than what was available to the Second child, who was beginning to exhibit less and less patience.  The conflicts became more open, louder, and much more frequent.  The Second child accelerated opportunities to publicly berate or humiliate Frodo, and he grew increasingly determined to be somewhere, anywhere, where the Second child was not.

Once Frodo went away to the College of the Shire, he was convinced that things would even out over time, and that a normal sibling relationship would develop.  In fact, as Frodo matriculated beyond pure academia, Samwise came into his life and the Second child smiled with true approval.  When storms tossed the relationship between Frodo and Samwise, it was the Second child who stood by him, and helped him think about something other than ending it all.

The worst day came when the Second child, now independent and on her own, came to visit Frodo and Sam, from half-a-continent away.  Frodo was in a very responsible position which demanded the highest of personal standards, and here came Second child bringing dope into the pre-Shire household.  It soon became clear that the Second child was associating with elements whose futures were limited by bullets and prisons.  Frodo's lack of interest in the affairs of the Second child were partly defensive, and partly offensive. 

Over time, they grew more distant, and the Second child began to change, physically, significantly.  In a funk, Frodo testified that there was no longer a friendship, but merely siblings of fact, not choice.  The Second child left the presence of Frodo, and the great schism began.  It was exacerbated by the death of Frodo's father, and the complete collapse of the Second child in relationship with anyone, not least being the survivor, Bilbo.

Immediately after the death of his father, Frodo sat down with the gentleman who had lobbied to be Frodo's investment advisor, and told him of Bilbo's plight.  Bilbo, he said, had less than $20,000 in savings, a house with complete equity, and Social Security.  He told the advisor that he could have Frodo's business if he first met with Bilbo, set up a way for Bilbo to continue independent living, and to inform Frodo only when Bilbo was about to run out of money.  Frodo wanted his assurance that the advisor would work only with Bilbo, and be there to attest that Frodo had no hand in anything which the Second may someday allege was imprudent. 

Seventeen years later, Bilbo had $75,000 in savings, a house with complete equity, Social Security, and a "Living Trust."  Frodo's advisor had matched the "loaves and fishes" which fed those who attended the Sermon on the Mount.  But the aging Bilbo had been duped by a local parasitic salesman, who frequently feed off the elderly, and had established a "Living Trust" (without telling anyone), in order to avoid the "costs of Probate."  Frodo had no knowledge of this until his investment advisor told him what she had done, and that he would need legal authority in order to work with the "Living Trust."  The bomb at Hiroshima did not do the same level of damage that was soon to occur in Frodo's life.

The Second child had evidently harbored increasingly vituperative resentments of Bilbo's financial independence.  So, while on a visit with Bilbo, and hearing of the developing problems, took it upon herself to contact the financial advisor directly, and to treat him with feudal disdain.  He, of course, refused to discuss any of Bilbo's affairs, except as it related to the "Living Trust" and anyone with a Financial POA in that regard.  It ended with the Second child filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau, and the Securities and Exchange Commission, both of which were short on either fact or justification.  Frodo entered the scene and sought to assuage the feeling of the investment advisor and his employers, while letting the Second child know that the actions were unjustified and insulting.  In order to stave off a lawsuit against the Second child, Frodo and the investment advisor, out of respect for Bilbo, ended that relationship which had served Bilbo so well, for so long.

Today, Bilbo's house is up for sale, her Social Security checks still arrive monthly, and her savings are somewhere down below $15,000.  Frodo forgot to mention that the drug habits of the Second child may still be present, that she has developed all the signs of being clinically bi-polar, that she has been unemployed for almost four years, that she has removed her name from any and all assets, and that she has resided with her same-sex partner for the past decade.

So Frodo travels to Mordor to bring Bilbo into the house he shares with Samwise.  It is likely that it will be the last parting between Bilbo and the Second child, and certainly the last with Frodo until the act of burial occurs for Bilbo.  The tragedy being that Frodo does not care.

If you're planning a holiday party, don't invite Frodo this time around.  He'll be more fun next year  (and it'll give him a chance to flatten his abs for a different game).      

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 8:58 PM EST

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Mood:  irritated

Frodo believes that everyone is an actor, portraying multiple roles throughout their time on the stage.  For example, "Tiger" Woods is both a husband and an adulterer (allegedly), he is a father and a golfer, he is a taxpayer and a licensed driver (although not for long), and among his multitude of roles he is also a son.  Frodo contends that this is the role which embodies the least preparation and the greatest heartbreak.  Frodo should know.

Bilbo has endured throughout her life.  She and her siblings lost their father at an early age, in the midst of a Depression, and found themselves wards of the State when their Mother re-married, and the Stepfather wanted to start a family afresh.  With limited educational opportunity, and a psychologically understandable bent to protect that which she deemed as hers, Bilbo joined with a sister and followed the boys preparing for War.  She found Frodo's father, and they became one just before Mr. Roosevelt called him to help fight real Nazis.  She became mother to Frodo exactly nine months after he returned from almost three years of absence.

An addition to the family unit followed two years and nine months later.  Frodo has never written about that relationship, and he will hold that thought until the morrow.

In her ninety-first year, the last seventeen of which had been on her own, Bilbo decided that she could no longer endure another moment of sunshine all alone.  With the assistance of the Second child, she entered an Assisted Living Center, and promptly began to identify every conceivable deficiency.  Her personality was no longer akin to that of one whom any would revere, rather it became accusatory, racist, and whining.  Bilbo began to lobby for a change.

Against all caution, Bilbo and the Second child decided that relocation to the Second's residence in the mountains of West Virginia (also known as Mordor) would give her familial contacts and a fresh approach to life.  That seemed to work fine, for almost six weeks, then it got cold.  Confined to a basement apartment, with her own bathroom, and mobility limited by a walker and a 24/7 relationship to oxygen, Frodo's telephone rang, again and again.

The relationship between Bilbo and the Second child has, absent direct observation, grown untenable.  There are threats, and loud voices, and tears, and pleading for the efforts of the Good Son.  Frodo's residence in the Shire contains stairs twisting in endless directions, requiring agility, even among the canines and feline who share space therein.  It has always been an obstacle to the easiest of decisions.  Sam has been the strong right arm of Frodo's climb up Mount Doom, and in this instance it was Sam's doggedness which identified several Assisted Living facilities nearby to the Shire.

On Saturday, after Frodo finishes ringing the bell for the Salvation Army (remember to drop a few coins in the bucket for the Hobbit), Frodo and Sam will drive to Mordor in order to transit Bilbo to the Shire for acclimation to Middle Earth.  After a few short days, the plan is to tour facilities in order to help Bilbo find her home.

As the next post will tell, there has been much pain in this process, and the suffering is far from an observable end-point.  What is important is that, absent any training whatsoever, Frodo is the Good Son.  He plays a role of leadership and decisiveness, albeit with sensitivity and compassion.  He will lead, and he will demand certain sacrifices, but he will likewise remove anxiety from the logically-determined few days that remain  to Bilbo.

Frodo's lot was cast on his father's deathbed.  No longer able to speak, but still fresh of heart and clear of mind, Frodo's father exchanged brief notes with the Good Son.  Frodo wrote, finally, to his father, "Are you worried?"  With great effort, and determination, Frodo's father was only able to write one word in response.

"No."

The torch had been passed, and the preparation was complete.  Frodo has known from that moment what he must do, and his challenge only that which requires balancing roles with great consequence, and little reward.  Perhaps Willie Nelson will serenade Frodo and Sam in their motorcar; that, indeed, is one thing to which they can look forward.     

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:24 PM EST

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Mood:  incredulous

Many years ago, so goes the story, a radio announcer was interviewing the buxom movie-starlet Jayne Mansfield.  The termination of the interview was programmed to coincide with a commercial to be introduced by the announcer.  The announcer thanked Ms. Mansfield for her time and then said, "And remember friends to 'Knock, knock, for Bigger Knocker Beer' (which, of course was supposed to be "Knock, knock, for Knickerbocker Beer)."  This was affectionately dubbed as a "blooper," and was one of many collected far and wide on long-play albums to titillate the developing psyches of the pre-beat generation.

Frodo's all-time favorite blooper emanated from a Baseball Game-of-the-Week broadcast, featuring former players Pee Wee Reese and Dizzy Dean as the announcers.  During a slow moment on the field, the black-and-white camera panned the fans in the stands.  The camera settled on a young couple, taking advantage of the moment, bussing each other affectionately.  Pee Wee, waxing poetic, remarked "Aw Diz, ain't love wonderful?"  The less than Homeric Dizzy Dean mindlessly responded, "Yeah Pee Wee, he's kissing her on the strikes, and she's kissing him on the balls."

Frodo recalled "bloopers" yesterday when he took note of the tragic news coming out of Ohio, about a fire at the Lebanon Raceway that claimed the lives of as many as 60 racing horses, and two people.  Frodo happened to be listening to the CNN Broadcast, since it was the only news channel available at that time-of-day, and the announcer was the mindless chattering chiasma, Don Lemon.  Frodo always changes channels, except in an instance such as this, when the ebullient Mr. Lemon is occupying the announcer's chair.  In Frodo's opinion, he is documentation of the periodic ineffectiveness of affirmative action.  The guy doesn't have a clue.

When all was said and done, Mr. Lemon concluded his presentation of the terrible news about the fire's destruction of the horse stables by announcing that "Racing has been cancelled for the day."

Frodo had this vision of jockeys, circling the far turn, in their multi-colored "silks" and high boots, sprinting afoot, taking necessarily itty-bitty strides toward the finish-line.  Thank Heavens that Mr. Lemon was there to correct Frodo's faulty assumption that the race would go on, even if all of the horses were dead.

Thanks to Mr. Lemon, all he could say was "Well, duh!" 

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 11:56 AM EST

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Mood:  crushed out

"Ladies and gentleman of the press, my name is Sergeant Frodo, and after a brief statement regarding the events of the last several days, I will respond to your questions.  As you all know by now, Tiger Woods crashed his SUV through the fence surrounding the White House during the State Dinner offered in behalf of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh of India.  Among the first to respond to the accident scene were a Mr. and Mrs. Tareq Salahi who were apparently uninvited guests who had been playing a round of golf with Mrs. Elin Woods on the East Lawn of the White House.  Mrs. Woods assisted in the rescue effort by smashing the windows of the SUV with her nine-iron in order to allow her husband access from the crash vehicle.  Mr. Woods was removed from the accident scene by three uniformed Secret Service Officers, and the White House Social Secretary, Ms. Desiree Rogers, and transported to his private offices in Dubai."

"Subsequently, the House Homeland Security Committee has initiated an investigation into the events of that evening.  Subpoenas were issued to each of the parties identified above and to the Director of the United States Secret Service, all of whom were scheduled to appear this morning at 10:00 AM.  Unfortunately, with the exception of Barrister Gloria Allred, who seemed to be representing everybody, none of those to whom subpoenas had been issued chose to attend."

"The Director of the Secret Service has announced that three uniformed Secret Service Officers have been assigned to administrative leave.  White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs has announced that Ms. Rogers will not be allowed to testify before Congress, citing the Constitutional guarantees of Executive Privilege.  Mr. Woods has produced a CD, available for $11.99 at www.tigertales.com in which he describes his duets with four disparate performers.  The Salahis are in discussions with the ghostwriter of the best-selling book currently shilled nationwide by the former Governor of Alaska, Gidget von Braun."

"That concludes my statement, and I will now entertain your questions."

"Yes, Chuck." 

"Sergeant Frodo, is there any indication that the Salahis, the Woods, Ms. Rogers, or any of the parties involved were acquainted?  In addition, is there anything you can tell us about any threat to the President or anyone else at the State Dinner?"

"Yes and No."

"Jim Cramer, CNBC, you have a question?"

"Sergeant Frodo, the former CEO of ING has intimated that the SEC and the FBI were issuing an MOU to Wall Street Banks and AIG that Mr. Woods had invested more than $100 Million in speculative real estate in Dubai and that since his business partners were seeking to re-structure their IOU, that he was distraught over the potential loss?  Any truth to that?"

"I'll have to get clearance from the Presidents to respond to that."

"Pardon?  You said President(s)?"

"Yes, both the past and current Presidents of the Federal Reserve Bank, Messrs. Greenspan and Bernanke."

"Andrea, I assume you have a question?"

"Yes Sergeant Frodo, can you update us on the status of the President's efforts to secure additional troops for deployment to Afghanistan from NATO allies, and on any progress in his efforts to persuade Members of Congress regarding Healthcare Reform?"

"Ms. Mitchell, you should know better.  The President is preparing for a trip tomorrow to Allentown, Pennsylvania, and upon his return will have to take "Bo" to the Capitol Groomer.  He is trying to deal with the issues that most interest the American people first."

"Is that it?"

"Okay, since there are no more relevant questions, that's all for now.  Another briefing will be held as facts warrant."

Posted by loveysdaddyga at 9:51 PM EST

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